Too Long a Martyr
by AlmayCorazon
Summary: Accepting defeat is something that she's always done, it's her comfort zone, her fallback and she hates it. Old habits die hard. Quinntana or die trying.
1. Chapter 1:Loving You Too Long

**_A/N: I was sitting here thinking of how Quinn doesn't have an ending. After all the shitty things that have happened to her, she doesn't get an ending and then Otis Redding comes on and I ended up here after months. I'm not sure how I feel about that. _**

**_This is just a Quinntana one-shot...unless I'm convinced otherwise_**

* * *

**I've Been Loving You Too Long (Otis Redding)**

* * *

While all of my former glee counterparts have found success and pitiful failures in the last three years, I have been slaving away at school. I've been told by many professors, sorority sisters and roommates that it is insane to breeze through Yale in just three years but here I am.

Two months shy of graduation and I find myself back at McKinley with Puck at my side. He has been so great for me in the past few months.

If there was ever a guy that has understood me better than I could ever begin to understand myself it's him. He knew that I needed the distraction. Being there with the palpable tension between my two best friends and the beard that was Biff Macintosh, I needed Noah to shield me from my nasty habit of looking to a man to define me.

And then Brittany gave that great display of devotion. Lilies.

I even helped her set it all up and then went running to the one person that was always there for me...maybe some times too much.

_"You love her."_ He said as he passed the flask to me, our eyes glued to the view on the other side of the parking lot.

_"Who?"_ I asked, my eyes never leaving the shake in Santana's hands as she clings to Brittany for dear life. I've noticed how hesitant she seems and it shows me just how fragile their reunion was.

_"Santana. I mean I knew about Valentine's last year but the look you are giving her is lovesick."_

_"Noah..."_ I whispered, taking a gulp of the nauseating vodka.

_"I know. You can't."_ He sighed. _"But at least let me save you from making a fool of yourself."_

* * *

Thanks to Noah, no one questions me if I stare at her too long. No one wonders why I'm tearing up as I watch Santana kneel in front of Brittany.

I look back at Noah and he begins to clap and I nod. That's what I should be doing. It's quick...a split second really but it's enough for him to know...this is breaking my heart.

But I smile through it and then Kurt does what I would never have the gull to do.

He protests, in front of everyone and I can't help but comment. I mean even if I'm against this travesty, I know that it's just not proper form to such a thing.

At least wait for the wedding.

It's what I would have done...except I have no intention of stepping foot near their union.

For me, this is it.

Brittany won and I will walk away.

Knowing that there was no way that I could trust myself with loving Santana anyway but at least even for a little bit, I got to hold her in my arms.

At least for those few hours, I got to pretend that she was mine.

I'm a Fabray, I will survive this with a smile, with grace even if it kills me inside. I won't stop loving her, I know it, Puck knows it and I'm pretty sure that dig of breaking the hearts of the guys and girls in the room was Santana verifying that even she knew how I felt.

I had to let her go...I just wasn't sure how.


	2. Chapter 2:Novocaine

_**A/N: I make no promises.** _

* * *

**Novocaine (Fall Out Boy)**

* * *

So maybe I care.

But what does it matter?

Maybe I'm just meant to go it alone.

Everything that I love leaves me behind.

But maybe it's for the best for everyone.

* * *

The moment that I stepped foot on campus, I made my way to our Sorority house and demanded that we have a ladies night. I needed to vent my frustrations and what better way than to talk to our newest recruits. Something about the feeling of standing in front of a group of girls that see you as a leader has always gotten my blood racing.

Captain of the Cheerios is my prime example, I do it for the thrill and the unrelenting adoration. Fear is not only a powerful motivator for the people that I was releasing my anger on but a calming influence on me.

Or at least it used to be.

Three hours of browbeating the girls about their intelligence, attractiveness, and pedigree saw three of the ten pledges leave, never to return but what was worse than that, I couldn't seem to find relief.

I just kept seeing Santana kneeling before that infant in her breakfast shirt and ask her to enter into one of the most sacred things on this planet. I wanted to brush it aside, tell myself that it wouldn't last a year but I knew better.

Santana loved to be in control as much as I did and even though Brittany has her wrapped around her long dextrous fingers (so I noticed, sue me!), its like Santana completely loses all sense of reason around that girl, this was meant to last for as long as Brittany deemed it to be.

I was essentially, screwed.

* * *

Three days after my chapter asked me to take a break from dealing with our pledges, I had wrapped myself completely in my school work with no attention given to sleep, my phone or my friends.

I thought I was fine.

Better than that, I thought that nothing could bring me down again.

Had I not had that free period in my day on Wednesday and a torrential down pour hadn't soaked my clothes, I may have just slept in the library another night but fate has never been my friend.

I was half naked, a towel in one hand and my shower caddy in the other when I saw the certified letter on my bed with a post-it stuck to it.

_**Some guy stopped by with this. He said to make sure you got this no matter what, couldn't find you. I hope it's not too urgent. Sleeping at Scotti's for the week. - V**_

_"Way to go, Vanessa. Someone could be dead." _I muttered as I dropped the caddy and slumped to the bed with no idea that my life was bound to change.

I slid my finger down the side of the envelope and reveled in the crisp tear of the paper.

Maybe that was moment when I realized how off kilter I was becoming.

But the slamming of my heart as I read the letter definitely signified just how out of touch I've been.

* * *

**_Ms. Fabray, _**

**_It is with a heavy heart that I am informing you of the death of my daughter, Shelby Corcoran. I currently have custody of Beth and will probably not be in the best shape to care for her in the next year or so, I'm scheduled to enter skilled nursing as soon as my Medicare is approved. _**

**_I saw Shelby struggle after giving up Rachel, even though she had agreed to the terms before hand. My daughter loved Beth fiercely and I wanted to let you know that I love her just as much. I don't know if you will even respond to this letter or if you care to make some room in your life for a 4 year old but if you do have an interest, I was hoping we could meet._**

**_Please get back to me at your earliest convenience._**

**_P.S. Here's an updated picture. _**

**_Merna Corcoran_**

**_685 Singh Drive_**

**_Travis City, TX 78731_**

**_(214) 878-5551_**

* * *

The fallout from that letter and the picture, oh God...the picture of the strawberry blonde with the most beautiful green eyes looked up at me with her father's chin and my original nose which was cuter on her.

She smiled shyly at the camera, her arms around Shelby's shoulders as they smiled for the camera.

It was heartbreaking and I couldn't look away. Not when my phone chimed, not when it chimed again and certainly not when I answered.

_"Q?"_

_"Hmm?"_ I let out, not sure I could trust my voice at the moment, especially not when it was her.

_"You okay?"_

_"Yea."_ I whispered._ "Just got some insane news. Shelby's dead."_ The words felt like marbles in my mouth, this couldn't be real.

_"I heard. I've been calling you for days. Kurt says that Rachel is in complete denial and refuses to get wrapped up in it but..."_ She trailed off after realizing that she was rambling.

Truth was that I had barely registered what was happening and Rachel fucking Berry was the last thing on my mind.

All that mattered was my little girl.

I should be talking to Noah.

I should be figuring out a way to get my daughter back, even if I wasn't ready, I couldn't let her get lost in the system. I couldn't let her get attached to another mother that wasn't me.

_"What do you want, Santana?"_ I finally said, doing my best to shove down the sobs that were threatening to weigh me down and drown me.

_"I want to know what I can do."_

_"I-"_

The door to my room swung open at that moment, slamming into the mirror that was behind it and shattering it. I watched in horror as the shards fell to the ground like confetti.

Noah knelt in front of me, taking the sight of me in but I couldn't stop looking at the glass.

The mirror was Vanessa's and I couldn't help but feel like it was the least she deserved for not tracking me down.

_"What do you want to do?"_ A strangled voice asked, whether Noah or Santana, I wasn't certain.

_"Whatever it takes. I may not be able to have everyone that I want but if I can have her, if I can have Beth, I'll do whatever it takes."_ I whispered, my eyes finally meeting Puck's and I could see the agreement immediately.

We were different now, he had a career, job security and I was just a few solid months shy of graduating. Together we could do this.

_"Q?"_ Santana said, reminding me that I still had the phone to my ear.

_"I have to go."_ I said before ending the call.

Relief filled me when silence replaced Santana's presence in my life and I welcomed it because for once in quite a while, my obsession with Santana had abated.

I was suddenly feeling every single thing that I had been shoving down and was quickly realizing that for the last week I had been completely numb.

And it was great to feel again.

* * *

**_A/N: I didn't read it back, I don't know if it makes sense but I'm sure you'll tell me._ **


	3. Chapter 3:The Feels

**_A/N: I keep looking for a story that I don't think exists yet. So here I am, supplicating myself before you once again._**

* * *

**Feels (Giraffage)  
**

* * *

I sat looking down at the sweet face and knew that I would do anything for her. She needed stability and pretty soon, I would be able to give her that but I knew that it wouldn't be easy.

Getting Beth back and raising her was going to be the biggest challenge of my life, even more than learning how to walk again but I was down.

_"How did you find out?"_ I asked Noah as he scanned the letter that Shelby's mom had sent me.

He looked up at me for a beat and then his eyes returned to the paper.

_"Santana called me and told me Shelby died, I wanted to be here when you found out. It took a few days to get approved for a weekend leave, I got on my bike and drove here as soon as I could. Looks like I was just in time."_ He said, handing the paper back to me finally and then picking up the phone that I had dropped. _"You should call her."_

At that moment, my phone looked foreign, it was a cold hard brick that would crash down the fragile glass house that I had reconstructed after nearly severing my spine.

* * *

My heart was racing and the fact that I was naked but for the towel that I was clutching onto became apparent when I caught Noah staring at my chest.

_"You never change."_ I said as I looked him over.

Adrenaline was pumping through me and a lesser version of myself would have allowed this moment to become something more but having celebratory sex was the last thing I wanted to do.

He shrugged and persisted with poking my bare arm with my phone.

_"So what, you're hot. Call the woman."_ He smirked.

_"Okay."_ I said, taking the phone and pushing up off the bed and side stepping the glass. _"I need to get dressed first, talking to her naked seems a little too skeevy for my taste."_

_"She won't know." _

_"But you do and I can't talk to her with you staring at me like that. Make yourself useful, take some of that energy and clean this glass up. There's a broom in the hall."_

I was starting to feel a bit better as I stepped into my closet and pulled the door closed, hoping to pull myself together.

The darkness consumed me as I clutched my phone to my chest and let the towel fall around me. The tears followed swiftly and soon after my knees met the combination of my towel and the harsh carpet.

I could hear Noah grumbling as he cleaned the glass and knew that he wouldn't bother me just yet.

Thankfully.

* * *

_"Dear Father,_

_I know that I asked you to give me a miscarriage all those years ago. I prayed that someone would take the baby away when my status was more important and at one point I prayed that Shelby would be a terrible mother and that she would just give me my baby back._

_Father, I am so grateful that you never answered any of my prayers. You kept the baby in my womb. You sent Shelby to me and she cared for my little girl endlessly. I am so grateful for your all knowing direction in my life. I've been humbled by it and I know that if you deem it so and I'm able to get her back that I will work to be everything she needs and I will honor the bond that she had with her mother. _

_I thank you for all that you have done, are doing and will do as the constant in my corner. _

_Be with me, Lord. Turn not your face from me and please remove all negative and overpowering influences in my life and replace them with those that I need to make it through this. _

_Watch over Merna and Father, bless her for reaching out to me. Help me to say the right things and touch her heart Lord. Keep Rachel in your perfect peace, Lord. She needs you more than she realizes.  
_

_Lastly Lord, guide Shelby's soul home, if it is your will._

_In the name of your precious son,_

_Amen."_

* * *

Dressed, feeling more at peace, and determinedly looking at Beth and Shelby's faces respectively, I sat across from Noah and called the number that Merna had sent to me and because he looked like a sad puppy, I put it on speakerphone. _  
_

I was going to need his support to get through this, afterall.

_"Hello? Who's this?!" _Yelled a little voice and my voice caught in my throat.

_"Beth?"_ Noah mouthed and I swallowed hard and nodded.

_"Hi, may I please speak to Merna?" _

_"Nonna is screening her calls, who is this?" _

_"Quinn. Quinn Fabray."_

_"Quinn Quinn Fabray? You're parents must have really liked your name to give it to you two times." _

Noah's eyes went wide and I let out a laugh, our daughter was funny.

_"I guess so. Will Merna talk to me?"_

_"Idunno, hold a sec." _She said, excitedly before dropping the phone with a loud crash.

* * *

_"Quinn?"_ An older version of Shelby's raspy voice answered after what felt like an eternity.

_"Hi, Mrs. Corcoran. It's Quinn and Noah, he made his way to me the moment he found out about Shelby. I'm so sorry for your loss."_

She hesitated and I immediately felt foolish. She hadn't contacted him, just me.

_"Yes, I know all about Noah Puckerman, including that nastiness that he and my daughter were doing. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Beth being around him frankly."_

I didn't dare look into his eyes after this woman seemed so hellbent on trashing him.

_"Yea, that was not his smartest decision, I can however say that since then he has become a true patriot, serving in our nation's Air Force."_ I said, knowing people like her (and my father) appreciated a soldier no matter what.

_"Is that right?"_

_"Yes, ma'am."_ Noah cut in. _"It was about time to get my life together and become someone that my daughter could be proud of." _

_"Well that's honorable. Thank you for your service."_ She said, her voice becoming sweeter.

_"It's an honor."_ He said, a smile creeping on his face.

_"Well then, a father in the service and a mother at Yale, I think that Shelby would be very proud to place Bethie back with you two."_

My face hurt from all the smiling I was doing but I didn't care.

I had made someone proud of me, a stranger whose opinion somehow meant more to me than my own father's approval.

_"Thank you, Mrs. Corcoran." _

_"My son, he's a lawyer in Loredo, also a __Airman, he's in the R__eserves, has advised me to be very careful about this process and wanted to step in as Beth's guardian but my heart tells me that you two will agree to any terms I set."_

_"Of course."_ I said.

_"Absolutely."_ Noah said.

_"Well then, lets hammer out a place for the three of us to meet and from there, I will need to ease the idea into Beth's head. She doesn't know she's adopted. This isn't going to be easy, she's a willful and lively little girl. A bit of a control freak. I imagine, from what I've heard, that she gets that from Noah."_

I bit my lip, holding back my laughter because I knew that she was more like me than I could have imagined.

_"I'm sure."_ Noah said and then winked at me. _"Listen, Merna, as you can imagine, getting away from base during these tough times is hard. I want every bit of involvement that I can offer and I know that Quinn does too, so we will work with your terms and however slow you want to take things. There will be times when Quinn might have to meet you alone but please know that I am every bit as committed as she is."_

_"Of course. I understand that. Are okay with that, Quinn?"_

_"Definitely."_

_"Well then lets stop hemming and hawing and set up a meeting."_

* * *

**_A/N: I've gotten some amazing messages. Thank you so much for them. You inspired me. I hope you are all well. There are a power in reviews and messages, I suppose._**

_**Til next time,**_

_**A**_


	4. Chapter 4:Not Over You

**A/N: Taking whatever this is as slowly as possible.**

* * *

**Not Over You (Gavin Degraw)  
**

* * *

_"How long can you stay?"_ I asked him as he toweled off, fresh from the shower and trying his best to turn me on. Nobody wipes themselves that slowly and seductively but I had more important things on my mind.

_"Not too long, maybe two days before I head back. I might be getting my papers soon to be overseas for awhile. They have been cherry picking the guys on base and since I got my wings, I've ranked higher than any other dude."_ He looked happy about this development but my heart was racing and the bottom was falling from under my feet.

_"I can't do this alone."_ I blurted out, his face went still and then he gave me a terrifying gaze, one that I hadn't seen since Finn's funeral.

_"Deployed or not, I'm in this and you heard Merna, she's the country's biggest fan. Me going overseas would just make her like me, us, even more. I mean you're set to be out of this joint in what two weeks?"_

_"Three."_ I said, bowing my head and looking down at my clenched hands. A million scenarios were running through my head as I imagined a life with Beth but no way to care for her. Maybe I wasn't ready.

Doubt was suddenly plaguing me. Was I any better off than when I gave her up in the first place?

_"You're amazing you know that?"_ He said, his bare feet stepping into my line of sight just before his big hand cupped my chin and tipped my face up until I was looking into his eyes.

The tears that I had been holding back slid easily down my cheeks and I didn't have the energy to fight them.

_"I'm not."_ I insisted.

_"You are."_

It had been ages since someone looked at me like Puck was doing in that moment and my insecurities got the best of me.

And him.

My skin burned at his touch and I couldn't knock away the undeniable feeling of guilt. I felt like I was cheating and I wasn't sure why.

But just like the events that led to Beth, I swallowed my feelings and gave into his touch.

He loved me and I was only human.

* * *

When I had sex with Santana, I walked away from it feeling more empowered, more self-assured, and filled with an incredible lightness that made me feel as if I was going to drift off into space.

That was not the feeling that Noah gave me.

I was anxious, depressed, and feeling dark and dirty.

What was I doing? What had I just done?

My assumption that I was a casual bisexual was shattered, maybe?

I can't label it, exactly, what I am.

But I can say without a doubt that I know what I'm not.

Not straight.

Not attracted to him.

Not over her.

* * *

I left him there; snoring, naked, in my bed, I felt like running.

My mind was already a million steps ahead, it was halfway through a marathon and I was wired.

With the moon shining way too brightly for me to sleep and with the world on my shoulder and my mind, my daughter, my future, _her_...

I had to get out of that room that was filled to the brim with Noah and the evidence of what we had just done.

The brief respite before Noah and I took things too far was great only for the simple fact that I was able to go on ignoring that Santana Lopez exists.

I was able to ignore the glaring hole in my heart that ached now, more than ever.

Of course, because I'm neurotic and polite, I left him a note before slipping away from his overbearing embrace.

My mind just kept doing it, kept comparing her to everyone else and it wasn't fair.

How could I wipe her away?

As I strolled through the lobby, I decided to check my mail to see what other things I had missed in my three week manic state.

Unfortunately for me, what I found didn't make anything feel better.

* * *

**_Q,_**

**_I wanted a long engagement but you know B, she has this way of getting me to do whatever she wants. The invitation (which I'm sure you'll ignore) will be coming soon and I didn't want you to be blindsided. You won't take my calls or answer my texts so I'm forced to write this. I love you._**

**_S._**

_"Fuck you, Santana. Fuck you, for loving me."_ I muttered out loud, wishing that she was here to answer me.

But this wasn't a romance movie, there was nothing and no one to walk up the pathway and tell me that they would fuck me, if they could fuck me but they can't fuck me because of Brittany.

Fucking Brittany.

* * *

_**A/N: Short because I needed it to be. I hate this chapter, I may change it later, delete it even. My brain is muddled and I find myself needed a stiff drink this morning. Coffee shall suffice, I may just return later. **_

_**Who knows?**_

_**Not I, says the fly.**_


	5. Chapter 5:Lost in the World

**_A/N: If you've been reading me for a while, you know music is my muse. This song, is up there for me...it really gets me flowing. Enjoy!_**

* * *

**Lost In the World (Kanye West feat. Bon Iver)**

* * *

I held tight to that little slip of paper and finally let the tears come. The leaves rustled all around me as a strong wind blew, drying my tears before they could make their way down my cheeks.

This hurt and I was so tired of it.

It was the middle of the night but I didn't care, she was probably sleeping right next to Brittany but I didn't let it stop me. I needed to talk to her.

**Call me. Now.-Q**

I knew it was a long shot that she would actually call me but I had to try. I stood there looking at my phone, my nerves all shot and my back starting to ache along my scar line. It had been years since my accident but the sting of standing remained. Especially after sex.

Noah likes to joke that he is good enough in bed to blow a girl's back out and normally it's been enough to induce eye rolling for the duration of his subsequent cackles but right then as the ache ran from my legs to my spine, his words were all I could think about as my lower back throbbed.

I hated him. She had been the exception, she was gentle and strong and I had an orgasm...I couldn't say the same for Noah.

That's why I loved her. She was everything I wanted and needed, both my poison and antidote.

Who was I to demand this sort of thing from Santana when I was still aching from sex with Puck? She was happy.

Who was I to try and ruin that?

* * *

I stood there, in that courtyard, for what seemed like an eternity and probably was one, because my battery was drained and my legs had both fallen asleep, it was only by the grace of God that I had made it to the bench and sat down before I toppled over.

At some point in my waiting for a call that never came I fell asleep, my mind was trapped somewhere between Puck and Santana and the idea that I seemed to have a type.

No wonder Biff didn't last, even if I tried my best to be what he needed, he could never lead me. It was what I craved because when I tried to take control of my own life, bad things happened.

Always!

There was shuffling all around me as I avoided opening my eyes, afraid to realize that she never called me and it was early morning, I just wanted to go on pretending that I was trapped in a dream just for a little longer.

Even if classes had started and I was siting in the courtyard in almost nothing...nobody questioned things here, I was blending in for once and it suited me.

Or so I thought I was blending in...

Seriously, God, why couldn't I get that kind of request answered?

Life has never been that simple.

* * *

If it hadn't have been for Noah, I would have probably become fused to that bench at some point but he knew me, probably better than I liked and found me.

I had been in the process of trying to make my dead phone come back to life when I heard his heavy footfalls slow down next to me.

_"Don't make a big deal out of it. We had an itch, we scratched it."_ He said as he plopped down beside me. Apparently he was finding this situation between us much easier than I was and it made me even more upset. His hand came into my line of sight as I kept my head bent and my eyes on my phone. _"Here, drink this. You look like shit."_

I stared at the coffee cup and for the first time actually believed that Puck would make a good husband one day.

_"Thanks."_ I tried to say but it came out as barely a grunt, I didn't even reach out for the cup but my manners still kicked in.

He sighed and then slapped some sense back into me.

_"She called me this morning. Woke me up and asked why you hadn't answered her calls."_

And just like that, my trance was broken, I snatched the cup from him and opened my mouth to interrogate him but he shook his head.

_"Drink that and I'll talk."_

I nodded as I began to drink my coffee, of course I gagged when I realized it was tea.

* * *

_"Shit."_ I muttered as I handed the cup back to him._ "I hate tea."_

_"I don't care if you hate it, you need it." _I rolled my eyes and his face got even more serious._ "You're my baby mama and I want you to stay healthy. So drink the damned tea or I'm not telling you what she said."_ He handed the cup back to me and waited for me to actually drink more of the vile leaf water before he gave me a patronizing smile._ "Good, Quinnie."_

_"Fuck you." _

_"Hmmm...don't tempt me."_

My stomach rolled and lurched as I felt the sting in my back still. Why did I let him fuck me?

_"Can we not?"_

_"Fine."_ He said, chuckling to himself before pulling his phone from his pocket and began to scroll through his text messages, not the least bit concerned that I was breaking apart over last night.

I watched him type out a quick message and then hit send before he sighed again and looked at me. Humor still in his fucking eyes.

_"Please?" _I whispered and now he was rolling his eyes._  
_

_"She says that she called you as soon as she got your message this morning. Says that she called you six times before giving up and calling me. She was worried and was ready to fly out here. She's in Lima, says that she had a crazy night and missed your text but if you were available she wanted to Skype you later. She misses you."_

_"Oh."_ My stomach rolled more and I felt like the tea was going to make a disgusting reappearance. I felt so stupid and lost. How did I miss her call? _"Can I just use your phone now? I've got a paper that I should be doing later."_

He looked at me hard, obviously seeing past my bullshit.

_"I know you are hung up on her still but you need to shut it down. We just got big news and I would hate for you to throw that away over Santana."_

_"And what, I should just settle for you?"_ I snapped, rage filling me as I took in the harsh reality he was forcing me to see.

_"Why not? You love me, I saw it in your eyes last night."_

_"You're fooling yourself if you think that what I was feeling last night was anything remotely close to love. I didn't even climax, that should have been proof enough. Love was the last thing that was going through my mind. Get over yourself."_

_"You first and by the way, I'd rather you settle for Beth than me. I wish you would see that, it seems like for someone as smart as you, you get so wrapped up in petty bullshit." _He said as he tried to wipe away that pained look on his face.

* * *

Hot fiery rage was coursing through my veins. I hated him in that moment, more than when he got me pregnant, more than when he slept with Shelby and spent so much time with Beth.

More than when he turned me down when I begged him to make a second baby.

Right then, I wanted the ground to open up and hell to swallow him whole.

How could he think that I was petty or that I wouldn't settle for Beth?

Maybe because that's exactly what I just did?

God, how could I be ready for her?

I pushed myself off the bench, praying to God that I could still storm off after doing so much damage to my nerves last night.

And thankfully, God was on my side. The pain lingered but I could at least stand which was definitely better than sitting there listening to the last thing I wanted to hear.

I hated when Puck made me feel less than myself.

* * *

Although it was the slowest storm off in history, Noah didn't come after me but I knew that he was watching, even if he was fed up with me, I knew that I could count on him to make sure that if I fell, he'd catch me.

He was the kind of man that I should be marrying.

And I wanted to marry him if I couldn't have her, even in that moment, if he asked I would say yes. Santana was moving on, why shouldn't I...but I knew why.

I was pining for her, the closer the wedding came to fruition the worse it got and I hated it.

I felt so lost.

What did Brittany have that I didn't?

And why the fuck, did I keep losing focus of what was really important?

* * *

Noah didn't return to my room right away and I used that time to get my head together, of course these days that meant stalking Santana's social media and Brittany's to boot.

And that's when I saw it.

A new episode of Fondue for Two and the face looking back to me in the still frame had my heart plummeting to my stomach.

Was that Santana's grandmother?

Is this why she didn't call me?

My paper was just going to have to wait.

* * *

_**A/N: Mmm...just a little something for you chicas. **_


	6. Chapter 6:Stuck On Stupid

**Stuck on Stupid (Chris Brown)**

* * *

It was like watching Brittany pull up the corner of Santana's soul and exposing it to the world. Like she always does. She just HAS to have her way all the time and bringing Alma onto Fondue for Two was just insane.

She's got serious balls. I would never have done something like this to her. There are boundaries but I guess Brittany just refuses to recognize those.

It's exhausting. My head was aching and the tightness in my chest and the rolling in my stomach weren't making it any better.

Tears pricked the corners of my eyes but I couldn't give into them, despite the emotional upheaval of the last twenty six hours, I couldn't let myself get too bent out of shape.

Beth's picture sat on the surface of my desk, just next to the laptop and it called my attention back to what Puck was saying.

I couldn't get sucked into the world of Santana Lopez and Brittany fucking Pierce, I just couldn't.

* * *

It took the willpower of a thousand praying grandmothers to get me to shut my laptop and change into something worthy of walking through campus. Weeks of throwing myself into my school work and focusing on getting out of Yale with a clear head were not going to fly out the window.

I worked my ass off and a crush on Santana couldn't topple that, this marriage wasn't going to last. I just couldn't see it and frankly, it wasn't my place.

With my schoolbag thrown over my shoulder, yet another note to Puck to let him know where I was going, and Beth's newest picture front and center of my cork-board, I resolved myself to getting through these three weeks.

Merna was expecting to meet me in Lima the weekend after graduation so that I could give her the tour of where me and Puck grew up and to meet mine and Puck's mothers.

So as much as that insane part of me wanted to call Santana back, I queued up my Skype and was endlessly grateful that Judy Fabray lives on Skype.

* * *

When it was revealed that Russell was stepping out on my mother, she gave up drinking and cleaned up the life that she had left. That was before I broke her heart and told her that I was giving Beth up.

She held my hand through it and supported my decision but I could see how much it hurt her.

And when Beth was born, I'm pretty sure my mom held her longer than even me before we handed her off to Shelby.

It hurt her that I was giving up my baby but she has always told me how proud she is of me for making the decision that she never could. By keeping my sister after her accidental pregnancy and instead giving into a shotgun wedding to my father, she had been thrust into a life that she didn't want.

When she got pregnant with me, she actually savored it, I knew that I was her favorite, even if she didn't stand up for me when I needed her.

By forgiving my mother, I was able to forgive myself for giving up my daughter.

And now, as the walls feel like they're creeping in, closing in on me, seeing her face, so full of life, works like a much needed sedative.

* * *

_"Hi Princess, how are you? I booked my flight!"_ She says, her eyes shining and her smile bigger than I've ever seen.

_"That's great Mom. I can't wait to see you in the flesh, I miss you."_ I said, a pang of sadness hitting me.

Her face immediately responded.

_"Talk to me, sweetie. What's wrong?"_

_"Shelby's dead, her mom contacted me to set up a meeting. She wants to meet me and my family, and Puck's family. She might give me Beth back."_ I said, emptying my voice of emotion. Waiting anxiously for her to respond to me.

She didn't disappoint.

_"My God."_ She said, her mouth slightly hanging open as she reached toward the screen. _"I am so sorry that I can't be there to hold you right now, I know you must be feeling a lot of anxiety right now."_

_"Oh mom, you have no idea. I uh...I was so out of it that...uh...Puck's here, well not at this moment but we um..."_ I dropped my head when I felt the rush of tears come and I knew just from the sound of her clicking her tongue that she knew what I wanted to say.

_"Were you safe, at least?"_ She said, making this conversation even harder to bear. I could only nod in response._ "Do you need to go back on medicine, I know you worked hard to get off of it but maybe for a little while...anxiety disorders don't just disappear."_

I looked back at her when she trailed off and my heart broke at the teary look in her eyes.

_"I don't know, most of that was postpartum, it's been years since I've gotten out of control, I've been so leveled."_

_"That's not what Vanessa says. The way she tells it, you've been storming around the houses, picking on pledges and how you might dye your hair pink any day now"_ She said, looking through me as if she could read what I wasn't saying.

_"Seriously? I bring her home for Thanksgiving one time two years ago and you still talk and I will NOT be dying my hair before graduation. Trust me on that one. It's not my fault those pledges were weak!"_

_"Right. So no pink hair?"_

_"Nope."_

_"Thank the Lord for small miracles."_

_"I can't believe you talk to her." _I said, rolling my eyes and glaring at my roommates empty side of the room. I had half a mind to call her religious parents and tell them where she spends her nights for weeks at a time._  
_

_"Well what do you expect, those walls of yours are tough to infiltrate. I needed eyes on the ground."_

_"You sound like Noah now."_

_"Well, he is the father of my granddaughter."_

_"And so you've been talking to him too?"_

_"Yep."_

_"Ugh. Since when did you start caring so much?"_ I grumbled, giving her my fiercest look but she just smiled at me some more.

_"Since you came out of me, I just finally learned to show it. If you are going to take this on, you may need to talk to a professional."_

_"Ugh, not responding to that. I am done in three weeks!"_

_"Just think about it, even if you wait until you get home..."_

_"Will you be okay with meeting Merna?" _I said, changing the subject and like a true Fabray, she rolled with it. _  
_

_"Absolutely, I will talk to Noah's mother and we can have a dinner here at the house, let her get all of her questions out at once. I'm so excited to have a dinner party. Does she need to meet your father?"_ Her smile left her face and her bitch face appeared.

_"No. The less he's involved the better."_

_"Good! That's a relief!"_

_"Thanks, Mom."_

_"Anything for you and my granddaughter...so tell me about her."_

* * *

It's amazing how five years ago, any talk with my mom was laden with secrecy and veiled comments but now after just an hour of talking to her, I feel more resolved and calm.

She's right, maybe I do need to talk to a professional, especially if I want to be serious about having my daughter in my life on a more permanent basis.

There was a knock at the door as I ended the call with my mom. I had locked the door after last night's sudden arrival of Noah and had hoped to escape to library without seeing him.

So I rearranged my schoolbag and ignored the continuous knocking.

My nerves were already frayed and dealing with him was the last thing that I needed, so I decided to make him wait it out, hoping he'd give up.

I pulled my phone off the charger and saw just how many missed calls and messages I had from Santana.

I opened the messages first and scrolled through them, until I got to the last one.

_**I'm here. Open the door.-S**_

So much for resolve.

* * *

**A/N: Mmmmhmmm.**


	7. Chapter 7:Slow and Steady

**Slow and Steady (Of Monsters and Men)**

* * *

I opened the door, wild palpitations so strong that I was convinced that my heart would break from my chest. I gripped the strap of my schoolbag and felt my heart plummet when Puck looked back at me with glassy eyes and his bag over his shoulder with no Santana in sight.

_"I got the call, I ship out in four weeks, I'll be able to be there for Merna's visit and your graduation...I think."_ He said, looking more disappointed than happy about something that I knew he was wishing for before Merna contacted me.

Still feeling like this was some cosmic joke, I peaked past him to see if she was going to spring out from behind him but then a vibration in my hand had me looking at my phone screen.

_**Shit, sorry Q. I meant to send that to Britt.-S**_

_"Of course,"_ I muttered before shifting focus back to Noah Puckerman and shoving feelings of desertion and disappointment away from me. _"When do you need to leave?" _I sighed, frustrated with everyone and thing.

_"I need to be back in DC by morning roll call, I need to sign paperwork and find out just how long I get in break time and where I need to ship from." _

_"So you have to leave now, as in, tonight?"_

_"Yea but I...I want you to think about making us a permanent thing, Q. We both know that Santana is not an option anymore and for me, there's no one else I would rather be with and provide for than you and our daughter." _

_"How noble of you."_

_"I mean it, Quinn."_

_"Look, I get what you're saying but right now, I'd rather start my life alone, its what I've always done. I want to focus on graduation, on deciding where I'm going to live and work. Right now, marrying you and tying myself down to someone who's shipping out for God knows how long, doesn't seem like such a stable thing. I can't build my life on sand, Noah. I need a firm foundation. One that I have control over."_ I said, leaning against my doorjamb and watching as he stood there his fists now balled up in his pockets as he stared at me, looking like a pathetic specimen.

_"But-" _I cut him off.

_"I'm not sure I'm ready to plan the rest of my life beyond this summer or beyond getting Beth back, I need you to respect that."_

_"And I do."_

_"Are you sure?" _I asked, keeping my back straight and my cold facade steady and then he went and pulled a Fabray on me, changing the subject with ease.

_"So you plan to go back to Lima for the summer?"_

_"While I'm sorting out my job and school offers, yes. Mom is flying back with me after graduation and then I'll figure out where I go from there."_

_"Okay. I'll give you your space but can you at least promise me that you'll think about it."_

My heart was tattered and barely hanging on but this was not the time to break apart. I needed to give him something, even if it was just hope because at the end of the day, when my world fell at my feet it was Noah that always gave me some sort of hope.

_"I promise that I'll think about it."_

The light in his eyes from the smile that formed on his lips told me that I did the right thing. For once my demeanor didn't hinder my ability to read an emotional situation. I felt the tears coming but wasn't going to let them win. I reached out to him and pulled him close, hoping to God that his touch would keep me together just a little longer. The starch of his jacket scratched at my face but I didn't let go of him, not just yet, not while the tears still threatened to take over.

_"I love you, Q." _His voice shook me, I knew he was close to crying himself but just like after we gave Beth to Shelby, we held back our tears and relied on each other for comfort._  
_

_"Me too." _I whispered and he squeezed me tighter, holding me together for as long as I'd let him._  
_

* * *

Once Noah was gone, the desire to go to the library diminished, I wanted to curl up in my bed and wallow instead but I couldn't. The outside world needed to wait. I couldn't focus on Santana or Puck, frankly, I couldn't even think about Merna because none of them were going to get me through my finals.

So with a shaky facade in place, I blocked Santana and Brittany's phone numbers, put my phone on Do Not Disturb and shoved it to the bottom of my bag, knowing that if I blocked them I wouldn't go searching for their messages.

I headed to Bass, the quietest library on campus, feeling grateful that my sorority had the foresight to reserve three rooms for those of us who were seeking extra study time because with the distractions of Noah and Santana and even Merna, I had lost almost two days of study prep.

The entire walk, despite my cool exterior, I was full of trepidation and anxiety about everything that I was trying to ignore but couldn't seem to, not entirely.

_"Three weeks...just make it three weeks. Please God, just get me through these three weeks and then I'll deal with the rest of it. Please?"_ I begged as I made my way into the library.

Once I had a jumbo sized coffee and was sitting with my sisters, who were all absorbed in their study, I was finally able to let go of the bullshit and focus.

I made it three years, three weeks should be a breeze.

* * *

I lost all track of time between extended library hours, classes, and endless trips to see my advisor. Not once did I allow myself to focus on what was going on with Santana or Puck, the only exception that I made in that time was that picture of Beth and Shelby.

When I was alone, I talked to them both, promising them that I was working my ass off to have a better life, just like I had promised Shelby four years ago. I was making every moment count and with graduation as my goal, I soldiered through.

By the skin of my teeth and the grace of God, finals week came and went with my focus razor sharp. The studying, the blocking of the world, and my day planner had me looking back on the week with perfect scores across the board with the exception of Biology, which docked two points off my perfect score for a grammatical error on the last question. I took it in stride, knowing that it wouldn't destroy me, nothing could.

Not even the person sitting in the living room of my sorority house when I came back from my last final.

* * *

**A/N: Dun dun dunnnnnnnn ;)**


	8. Chapter 8:What Do You Want From Me

**What Do You Want From Me? (Adam Lambert)**

* * *

I was on my way home from my final, a coffee in one hand and my muted phone in the other.

After three weeks of practically living in the library and shutting out the world, I could feel my body slowly shutting down. I was graduating in two days and from there I knew that I would have no choice but to give in to being a full blown adult.

With no studying to distract me, the weight of just how responsible I was going to have to be once I crossed that stage hit me and I wanted to believe that I was prepared for it even if I knew in my heart that I wasn't.

I tried to push down the feelings, my smile increased the more that I realized that I still had one more night before my mother showed up.

One more night to be irresponsible and free.

* * *

By the time that I made it to the house, I had it all planned out, one last raging sorority party, no holds barred. It was tradition and as the social chair, I had been shirking my duties lately.

But tonight would be different...a picture of Beth flashed through my mind and I was resolved that this would be it, my last hurrah.

I was going to have to make tonight count.

Except when I pushed open the front door, ready to tell the first sister that I saw that we needed to get some pudding made and a new wading pool, dark brown eyes full of tears were looking back at me.

And the aesthetic that I was planning to create as my last hurrah began to vanish before my eyes.

* * *

_"Santana, what are you doing here?"_

Her tears turned to fury just as quickly as I had ever seen as she stood up and stormed over to where I stood, frozen in shock.

_"You weren't answering your phone calls from anyone, you haven't been online, and when I called your roommate, she told me that she hadn't seen you in days. What do YOU think I'm doing here?"_ She snapped, her hand raising for a split second before she dropped it and looked me over. _"We need to talk, where's your room or does this cult sleep in one giant bed?"_

I don't know what came over me, I had a strict rule about touching people that I had feelings for and mainly it was that I avoided it at all costs.

Touching leads to kissing which leads to fucking. Case in point...Noah.

But that didn't stop me from shoving my phone into my pocket and then reaching for her hand. There was no spark just a tingle and a warmth when her skin touched mine.

Aesthetic ruined.

* * *

Despite the rule that I was breaking, I didn't let go of her hand until we were up the stairs and securely in my room.

My mouthy roommate sat on her bed, a book in her hand and I cleared my throat once. She looked up at me and my old glare still seemed to work because she scrambled from the bed without a word and pushed past us to get out of the room.

The moment the door closed, I dropped her hand and rounded on her, quicker than she expected.

_"What do you want?"_ I asked, walking around my bed, under the ruse of putting my bag and coffee down but really, I was just hoping to put a little distance between us.

She didn't cross her arms over her chest like she normally did when her defenses were going up, instead her arms hung limply by her sides.

_"I wanted to make sure you were okay, Q"_ She said, honesty radiating from her for once. _"We've been so out of touch since the last time you were in Lima and that's not normal for us...not since..."_ A blush covered her cheeks as she rolled her eyes. _"Valentine's."_

_"Things change. Not all of us can live off of Daddy while we 'find' ourselves."_ I snarled, giving her all the ammo she needed to storm out of my life and never come back if that's what she wanted to do.

_"Q, don't be like this."_ She said, coming around my bed and proving just how dumb it was to essentially trap myself with no exit but the door that was now behind her unless I jumped over the bed...which at this point didn't seem like a crazy idea.

_"What do you want from me, Santana?"_ I was raising my voice now the snarl become sharper, I was losing control and I knew that there was no coming back when I lost control of my emotions.

_"I called to ask you to be my maid of honor...you didn't answer and so I had to pick Wheezy and Girl Chang. I had to get married without my best friend at my wedding in Podunk, Indiana."_

_"Where IS Brittany, by the way?"_ I said, ignoring the fact that I had neglected to see the band on her finger.

_"She's auditioning at Julliard and NYU today. I was getting on her nerves with my worrying so she sent me here."_

_"How nice of her."_

She smiled all dreamy eyed and I wanted to vomit.

_"It was...especially since Trouty spilled the beans about you and me not long after the wedding."_

I wanted to kiss Sam and rolled my eyes at the thought. She was closer now, so close that I could smell the spice of her perfume.

_"She trusts you a lot."_

_"Yea..."_ She said, her eyes on my lips. I swallowed hard, this was not going how it should be.

_"Should she?"_ I whispered as she continued to close the gap between us, leaving barely enough room for Jesus._"This is a bad idea."_ I whispered as I put a hand out touching her hard abs through her top to stop her from getting any closer. I whispered,_ "San?"_

She looked up at me, realization hitting her as I tried to build my walls hastily.

_"Huh?" _

_"Is your WIFE right to trust you being here with me?"_

* * *

I thought she'd balk at the thought of Brittany and the trust that she has in her but she didn't.

She brushed my hand away and cupped my cheeks, her eyes looking back and forth between my own.

_"I'm a work in progress, Q. She knows that and for me to take the leap and marry her, she knows that no matter what...I go home to her. I love her, she's my first but the heat that I feel for you hasn't gone anywhere, I don't think it ever will. She can never be you."_

I pushed at her, wanting to run away, wanting her to back the fuck off but I ended up closing the gap between us instead.

Our lips crashed together as if it was what their sole purpose was. There was no rushing, only the digging of her fingers into my face and the clinging of my fingers to the fabric covering her stomach.

This was wrong. It was a sin. Brittany was supposed to by my friend.

But I couldn't stop it.

Only she could.

I didn't realize that she was moving us until my ass smacked into the bed frame. Like lightening, a pain shot straight up the scar on my back, it began stinging like acid had been poured on my flesh.

And It was just the jolt that I needed.

* * *

_"Fuck."_ I shrieked, shoving her away reaching both hands to rub the base of my spine.

_"Q?"_ She said, panic written in her features as she reached for me not knowing what happened but seeing my pain.

_"Don't. You need to leave. NOW!" _I gritted out through clenched teeth, trying like hell not to cry._  
_

_"Q, let me help you."_

The pain was feeding my rage as I straightened up and glared at her, my breakdown had to wait.

_"You've done enough! You're fucking married. We CAN'T do this. I can't do this, Santana. Go back to New York, to Brittany. I don't think I can be near you anymore."_

* * *

Imagine Paris burning, all the priceless art and lovers becoming ash simultaneously as the world crumbles and you'll get an accurate picture of what her face reflected.

_"Quinn. Please?"_ She begged, daring to step close to me again as I began to sink onto my mattress, no longer able to stand my ground, literally.

Her hand ran down the side of my face and she lifted my chin as it rested in her palm.

_"What do you want me to do with your declarations? Am I supposed to be your little slut? Wait for you to come to me when you have time? How am I supposed to be okay with you fucking me and then going home to her? Did you seriously think I would be okay with ANY of that? What do you want from me, Santana?"_

_"I...I don't know. I'm sorry, Q...I didn't mean it like that. I love you."_

_"That's not good enough. I need you to leave me alone from here on out. Don't call me, don't message me, delete me from your life. Please?"_ I asked, hoping she'd understand.

_"I can't do that, Q. I love you too much."_

_"You can and you will, Santana because I'm marrying Puck and you married Brittany. You made your choice and now I have to make mine. Now GET OUT."  
_

* * *

_**A/N: Returning for errors when there is a break in my schedule. Tell me your thoughts and I may come back faster.**  
_


	9. Chapter 9:Beautiful Pain

**A/N: It's been awhile my loves, everyone around me is having babies and I'm trying to move my life to a new city...still. I forgot I had this story here and then I was asked to update. So here you go. Enjoy...let me know what you think? Great!**

* * *

**Beautiful Pain (Eminem feat. Sia)**

* * *

I laid there for God knows how long hoping despite myself, that she would come back and refuse to leave my side but Santana knew me way too well. She knew that I would regret her presence. I had way too much pride to lean on her after I kicked her out.

Anyone else, Puck, Mother, Mercedes, Rachel fucking Berry, anyone else would have come back and refused to leave me but I was grateful once I managed to find a pill bottle in my nightstand. The one place that allow junk and clutter is that drawer and so when I found my old prescription for Oxy, I fished out one of them and chewed it.

The bitter, chalky flavor hit the back of my throat and I almost heaved over the side of my bed but at the point, the pain in my back was too great to do much more than lay there on my stomach until the numbing set in.

* * *

I fell asleep waiting for the pain to subside and was awoken by the door closing so loud that I thought I had been shot.

_"Shit...I'm sorry."_ Vanessa whisper yelled and I looked up at her, much softer than before, and began to cackle.

She must have thought I was insane. I laughed so hard that I ended up curled in a ball, clutching my stomach.

_"Oh God...did you see her? Is she gone?"_ I begged as Vanessa watched me wide-eyed.

_"Who, the hot girl?"_ She asked, as she eased down on the bed and rested a cool hand against my face. Leave it to a future nurse to immediately check for my temperature. She thought I was hysterical, obviously.

_"Yes."_ I said, once she saw that that I wasn't feverish, just slightly high.

_"She's downstairs playing beer pong with the neos. I was sent to look for you, she's been down there waiting for you for like an hour. You okay? Your eyes are glassy."_

I should have known that she would leave me alone but not really. Santana wasn't giving up without a fight apparently. This could end up bad...worse and I didn't need anymore temptations to get blackout messed up. So, I opened my fist and held it out to her, showing her the second pill.

_"Back pain."_ I admitted. _"I had two left. I took one already."_

She looked at the small pill and then tucked it in her pocket.

_"I'll hold this for you. Just in case you're tempted to take another before this one wears off. Can't have you hungover when your Mom gets here tomorrow. Do you want to come down?"_

_"Yea. I'll be down."_

She didn't look too sure of my ability to stand and so she sat there, watching me and waiting.

_"I'll wait."_ She verified and I understood that I officially had a lurking Rachel Berry on my hands.

* * *

Pills are amazing...I know how bad that sounds, I know how damaging they can be and I'm absolutely sure that had I remained a skank, I'd have a habit by now but I'm in control.

The pain is gone and I'm speeding through getting dressed while trying to ignore the flighty feelings coming over me. Vanessa was watching and I knew that I needed to keep myself in check or she wouldn't stop hovering for the rest of the night.

I'm an adult, a mother, and a soon to be graduate. I don't need to be mothered, but right now, with Santana dangling herself in front of me and this pill smoothing the rigid edges, I need all the help I can get.

Dressed in my most comfortable, I grabbed Vanessa's hand walked with her downstairs. I kept catching her watching me but I looked straight ahead, lest I tumble right down the steps.

This was going to be a fun night!

* * *

_**A/N: Legit...a filler chapter...I'm feeling tempted...maybe I'll come back today. Maybe. Review this thing...make me feel wanted...I'll see what I can do to reward you. Bye Loves.  
**_


	10. Chapter 10:Lyin King

**Lyin King (Jhene Aiko)**

* * *

After showering and putting on a very Santana like dress that Noah had bought me with the hopes that he would get to see me in and out of it but I didn't see that happening any time soon.

There wasn't even a slight chance of that happening!

The shower had helped to calm what little nerves survived beyond the Oxy haze and the dress made me feel like I was impenetrable, which was exactly what I needed if I was going to face Santana.

* * *

With my arm tucked in Vanessa's we came down the stairs gracefully with my mind blissfully clear of all worries. A million things could go wrong tonight and a million mistakes could be made and I was all too aware that I was standing at the crux of good decisions or a good night but I persevered.

I had too.

I knew that I couldn't have both. Good decisions were for people who played it safe. A good night was something that I needed, this was my last night as a college student. I needed this even if it was bad.

Already I was thinking about dangerous things with the dull throb from my back alerting me that the pill hadn't been enough or was beginning to wear off. Why did I have to be so fucking honest. A second pill wasn't going to kill me. Just after my accident it was those pills that got me out of that chair and onto my feet...that and Teen Jesus.

Now though, there was no Teen Jesus and I was already half in, thankfully but I knew that it would only last for so long. Maybe Vanessa wouldn't let up on the pill so soon but I knew that a drink would at least prolong the numbness that I so desperately needed.

Thank God for horny boyfriends.

* * *

_"Babe! I've been looking for you everywhere!"_ Vanessa's Ken doll boyfriend appeared from the front door like a Providence herself.

_"Don't call me babe, Scott Edward Waterford, Jr.! I'm not some slut that you're trying to pick up at a bar. I'm a lady." _She unattractively whined._ "We talked about this! Don't grin, I'm serious._" She scolded and Scott did his best to at least pretend to look reprimanded but I could see the glint in his eye when he looked at me after giving her a kiss on the forehead and apologizing.

_"Hey Q."_ He said, nudging my shoulder with a grin before turning back to a still pouting Vanessa and sticking out his bottom lip.

What a charmer!

_"Scott!"_

_"I know, I know, you gave me a list remember, Muffin? I'm sorry. It won't happen again."_ He schmoozed before leaning in and nuzzling her neck. Vanessa's facade instantly crumpled, as she giggled like the stereotypical bimbo that a guy like Scotti Poo would date.

_"Gross."_ I said, as I tried my best to slip my hand from Vanessa's. _"I'm not interested in a threesome, can you not do that?"_

Scott laughed as he stood upright again, Vanessa mouthed an apology at me but didn't let go of my hand and I didn't seem to have the muscle strength at the moment to fight her off.

_"So why are you late?"_ Vanessa asked Scott and I was forced to stand there and find out his answer. Terrific.

_"I have to make up that final that I missed tomorrow morning. I was studying. If I fail Father says that I'll have to get a job this summer." _

_"Oh."_

_"Yea, so here I am."_ He smiled and Vanessa remained putty in his stupid frat boy hands.

_"How sweet V, Scotti wouldn't miss a chance to whisk you off to Paris or whatever your plan was."_ I snickered and she squeezed my hand tighter.

_"Santorini and it's at my cousin's house so not that glamorous." _Scott cut in, sounding like the brat that he so obviously can be.

_"Yea so don't be jealous, if anything you should feel sorry for me."_ She said, looking as ridiculous as Scott with her pout.

_"You guys lost me at Santorini."_ I groaned, annoyed that Vanessa, my sweet down to Earth South Jersey girl was doomed to be the trophy wife of a future brain surgeon.

Thank God, I was out of here after tomorrow.

_"Hey, Q. Biff's here with a new bossy hot piece. You should see him, he's pitiful."_

_"If that was your idea of changing the subject, you're terrible at it, mull that over in Greece."_

_"Q, be nice." _Vanessa said, as she adjusted Scott's collar._ "It's not like I haven't invited you a billion times." _

I wanted out of this uncomfortable conversation and like a beacon, Santana came to my rescue!

_"Hey, Fabray! Get over here and help me show these trust fund babies how beer pong is really played!"_

* * *

_"Q? I thought I was the only one who called you that."_ Scott said with his lip poked out again.

_"Sadly, no. V, enough with the death grip on my hand. I want to go play. Why don't you go make out with Scotti Poo."_ I wanted that to come off strong and slightly bitchy but instead the whine in my voice was unbecoming but fortunately I was past the point of caring, I needed a drink and hanging out with Santana guaranteed just that.

_"If you're going, so am I. You need to be chaperoned tonight." _Vanessa said loosening her grip on my hand but not letting go.

_"So maybe a threesome after all?"_ Scott cut in as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I yanked my hand away from Vanessa's and tried to put space between us but stopped short at the sight of her.

Even after all this time, Santana Lopez still has the ability to take my breath away.

_"Who's having a threesome?"_ Santana said, as she practically flew out of the dining room and delivered herself right in front of the three of us.

_"You stayed." _I whispered, awe struck at just how good she looked.

_"I stayed." _She grunted, her eyes trailing down to my legs and then slowly back up. Something about the lustful look in her eye momentarily knocked me back to my senses.

_"Even though I told you to leave?" _I asked, once her eyes were done their tour of my body and were looking back at my face.

_"I left the room. Isn't that what you meant?" _Her tongue wet her lips as she began to smirk and I was once again entranced but I couldn't show it.

_"I meant leave our house, leave campus, leave New Haven, and leave Connecticut."_

Santana's eyebrows went up as she hesitated for the first time in quite awhile. Normally she would have snapped right back but she realized that we weren't alone and wasn't about to pick a fight with Vanessa hovering and with Scotti's arm still sitting on my shoulders.

_"Well I didn't get all that from what you said. I have known you all my life Luce, I know better than to leave you when you're feeling like shit. I couldn't leave even if I wanted to."_

_"Oh." _Seriously Quinn, that's all you can say back? I was disappointed in myself. I guess I was happy to have her there on some level. She cared and apparently, that meant something to me.

_"Play with me? You have always been really good at landing the ball in the cup. Oh captain, my captain?"_

_"Seriously."_ I crossed my arms and glared and she sighed, tired of trying to convince me but willing to try one last thing_._

_"B, would totally approve."_ She held up a ping pong ball and smiled that wicked smile of hers, the one she gave me just before making me climax for a third time in that Lima hotel room.

I couldn't deny her, beer pong wasn't adultery, she was right, Brittany would be okay with this.

So I had to be.

* * *

And so with Scott and Vanessa in tow, we embarked on a friendly game of beer pong, only Vanessa was on the other side of the table with Scott whispering disgusting things in her ear. She kept shooting me glances but I knew she wasn't paying attention.

Santana had rounded up the rowdiest of Scott's frat brothers to be on our team and it looked like we were going to kick some serious ass. Vanessa watched me from next to Scott, who was now whopping along with some of the girls on their team. Normally she would be jealous and scolding him but she was way too interested in my world and it was fucking annoying.

So I tried my best to ignore her and Santana made that really easy.

_"We need to talk."_ Santana said when our turns had passed successfully.

_"Here?"_ I asked, as I watched the game and refused to look at her or Vanessa.

_"If not here, anywhere else will do."_

_"I can't."_

_"Because of B?"_ She asked, putting her hand on my waist to try and get my attention but we both knew that she didn't need my answer._ "Do you want me to call and get her permission to hang out with you?"_

_"Look."_ I said, stepping away from her touch that I so badly wanted to lean into, _"Just because I stopped going to church doesn't mean my morals disappeared. You and I both know that this thing between us crosses the line of hanging out."_ I explained, saved by her turn coming up but apparently, she's able to do two things at once.

_"If we win this game, I'm going to ask her if I can date you."_

_"And if we don't?"_ I asked, nonplussed by her ballsy bet.

_"I'm going to back off and I'll start by calling Puck and congratulating him."_

_"San...about that-"_

_"Your move."_ She said, looking at me and then around the table. _"After this, I'll back off if that's what you really want, Luce, I promise."_

She smiled sweeter than I had ever seen and from that moment on, I was distracted, I didn't want her to give up so easily but for me, she would. It was too much pressure for a girl who has no idea what she really wants.

* * *

_**A/N: Quickie...**_


	11. Chapter 11:Dark Times

**Dark Times (The Weeknd feat. Ed Sheeran)**

* * *

It was a tied game, thanks to Scott and Vanessa carrying their team and now it was up to me to score the winning shot and as competitive as I am, Santana raising the stakes had me thinking that I was going to throw the game.

From the moment we started playing, I could sense where she was standing in relation to my body. I knew how close she was and in most cases, I could even feel the heat of her skin just about grazing mine but in that final moment, when I was ready to toss that ball, I had lost all my sense of her.

And surprisingly, despite my morals...I found myself desiring her touch almost immediately and so I decided we were going to win and I'm sure we would have, if I hadn't been cheated.

The ball had just left my finger tips when the whole table was jostled and male cheers erupted among the screeches of my sorority sisters being drenched in beer.

Thankfully, I had jumped back in just enough time, avoiding a beer shower and the two bodies that were rolling around on the floor.

A fight had stalled a moment that may have changed my life and I was both grateful and annoyed. I was being shuffled closer to the rolling bodies and trapped by the circle that was intent on watching people be drunk and stupid.

I figured I'd wait out the fight and then search for Santana so that we could have a legitimate conversation. No wagers or almost orgasms this time around, just me and her being serious about why the hell she was doing back in my life.

My mind was made up. I had a plan but then I saw a flurry of black silky hair move into my line of sight, on top of a guy with perfectly coiffed hair on the ground. I watched as she started swinging and that's when I realized that it was Santana on top of Biff.

She straddled his waist, her chest heaving as she looked down at her work. Biff held his hands to his face but that didn't stop the blood from oozing between his fingers.

Anger was surging through me, mixed with the shame of wanting her more than I knew I should, even in this moment, she was hot. She held her left fist frozen in mid air as she caught her breath, her wedding ring catching the light and shattering my hopes simultaneously. What was I thinking?

She's married. Something that SHE chose to do even if she was acting like someone had forced her. Brittany sure as heck wasn't expecting the proposal but Santana had decided that she wanted to take on that toddler permanently.

To make matters worse, she was now fighting Biff and there was no way that I was going to pull her off of him. She wasn't my problem and neither was he. Let them destroy each other for all I care.

* * *

I had to fight my way through sweaty gross guys and hysterical Sisters in order to leave the circle. So despite the pain in my back, I ended up shoving and pushing my elbows into any body that I came into contact with until I was able to escape the stupidity.

My back was aching as I made my way towards the kitchen that was blissfully empty. The pills fuzziness had practically vanished and each step was painful. My back screamed at me as I walked past the keg, thinking of Puck and how that one night weeks ago had set off and injury that I had thought I had under control.

This could not be life! Nerves frayed, I went straight for the hard liquor. Nothing else would numb the agony that was beginning to manifest in my every movement.

Like the pro that I had become, I lined up four shot glasses and quickly poured scotch into them, a much quicker method than refilling a glass over and over. In quick succession, I lifted the glass after glass until they were all empty.

It burned like hell but better my throat than my back.

* * *

I was leaning against the counter, contemplating one more shot, trying my best to be completely oblivious to the chaos around me.

_"Quinn!You need to do something! House rules, your guest, your responsibility. You created that. Now follow through, get her out of here!"_ Vanessa yelled from behind me, jarring me out of my thoughts.

I spun around to look at her and the room decided to join me, spinning way too fast. I pressed my palm to my forehead, trying to calm my spinning head.

_"Why?"_ I groaned. _"I didn't even invite her. I told her to leave!"_ I whined.

_"We don't need the cops called. I know you hate the guy but he's probably going to snitch on her and if they come and she gets arrested, it will get traced back to you and this sorority. You may be leaving but some of us have to come back here next year."_

Vanessa looked at me with panic in her eyes and I relented.

_"Fine."_

* * *

She threw her arm around my shoulders and we headed back to the dining room, they had righted the table and were starting another game but everyone was much quieter.

The neos (who were mostly underaged) seemed to have disappeared as well. Vanessa had been thinking ahead, like I had taught her too. I knew Biff though, he wasn't going to call the cops but it was good that Vanessa had gotten everything under control. Well everything but Santana.

_"Scott took Biff home, the beast is up in the room. Make sure she didn't tear up our shit. I'm going to shut this party down in a bit. I think we've had enough excitement for one night._" Vanessa said as she walked me to the stairs.

_"Good idea._" My head was swimming but I knew I had to make it to my bed before I gave into the pain and the nausea. _"Do you think you can stay with Scott tonight?"_

Vanessa dropped her arm and looked me in the eyes with a smirk.

_"Q, we've been close for three years. I've seen you through the professor, losing Finn, Biff, and whatever the hell this is with Santana. I know you and I think you need to stop this sooner rather than later."_

I rolled my eyes because I am still not convinced that anyone really knows me also, I didn't need the advice.

_"Sure, I agree."_

A thump came from upstairs and only Vanessa flinched, I on the other hand was surprised Santana hadn't begun her tirade sooner.

_"Look, just don't be a martyr. Stand up for yourself. She married Brittany. That's who she decided to tie herself to and you need to make peace with that. Draw the line."_

Another crash and Vanessa's lecture ended prematurely. Thankfully.

_"I should get up there."_

_"Yes. Go."_

* * *

_"San...its me...don't throw anything"_ I snapped at her, before even having the door open fully. I expected a mess but instead she had her back to me, one hand gripping the back of my chair well she wept into her phone. She murmured something in Spanish before hanging up and then picked up the back of the chair and slammed it down.

_"Fuck!"_ She yelled, her phone clutched in her hand as she screamed, her back still to me. _"I didn't come here for this!"_

_"San?"_ I said, touching her shoulder. She flinched and turned around, her eyes red rimmed and fake eyelashes askew but otherwise not a scratch was on her.

_"What?"_ She snapped, baring her teeth and I paused.

_"Your teeth."_

She brought her hand to her mouth and ran her index finger across her front teeth, where three of the front ones were cracked.

_"The fuck?"_ Her eyes were wild now. She looked towards the mirror on the closet door and looked at the damage Biff had done. There was murder in her eyes and I knew that there was no getting through to her. _"Pendejo! Cabron! Maricon!"_ She uttered as she landed a swift kick my desk and then grimaced in pain. _"I'm going to kill him."_ She said, more tears coming to her eyes as she turned to look at me again.

_"And Brittany is going to kill you."_

Her eyes went wide, as if she hadn't thought of Brittany at all during all of this.

_"Fuck."_

* * *

She hastily packed her bag, mumbling about how much she wanted to kill Biff and wondering out loud how she was going to explain any of this to Britt.

_"Just tell her you fell or something. I'll vouch for you."_ I said, stepping closer but she just shook her head.

_"That's not going to work."_ She said, her head still down as she rearranged her bag.

_"Why not?"_

_"She doesn't even know I'm here."_ She finally admitted, looking up at me with a shrug.

_"You lied to me."_ I expected to feel pain or betrayal but surprisingly I was numb. This was the line. I needed to draw it. I didn't want to be the other woman.

_"So."_ She said, shrugging as she zipped up her bag and threw it over her shoulder.

_"So? Are you kidding?"_

_"Look, Q...I'd love to go back and forth with you but I need to go and figure out a way to fix my mouth before it gets worse."_

_"Of course."_

_"I'm glad you get it."_

_"Why'd you have to fight him?"_

_"Of the all the questions and all the moments, now? The last train leaves in like twenty minutes and its a ten minute walk!"_ She whined, with her hand partially blocking her mouth.

_"So,"_ I began, my heart suddenly thudding in my chest. _"Be quick then."_

She sighed, dropping her hand from her mouth and looked at me with as much fierceness as I had ever seen from her.

_"I can't control myself around you, Q. Ever since I saw you in the hospital all bloody and bruised, I've felt this need to protect you. So when that twat was headed your way, I shoved him back and he called me a spic and the next thing I knew my fist was connecting with his face and apparently his fist hit my mouth a little too fucking hard in the process! But you know what, fuck it, you would have done the same for me. Am I right?"_

I couldn't argue that, she was right.

_"Yea. I guess so."_

_"I would do it again, even if this was still the outcome." _She gestured to her mouth and then ran a finger over her teeth again._  
_

_"You still lied to me."_

_"God! I'm sorry that I lied about coming up here. I just needed to make sure that you were okay. I needed to see you. I'm sorry that I thought lying was the way to do that. Are we good?"_ She asked, turning towards me, reaching to put her arms around me and I let her.

I took that moment to absorb the love she was so willing to give me. I felt dark and empty as she kissed my forehead before pulling away and looking into my eyes.

_"Tell me we're good, Q."_

_"You should get going." _I murmured against her neck as the hug continued. I knew if I stepped back, reality would come back to me and in that moment, with her skin smelling so good against my nose, I wanted to just live in that moment._  
_

_"That's not an answer."_ She said, stepping back and looking me over. _"Q, are we okay?"_

_"I can't do this anymore."  
_

_"Do what?"_ She asked, tears pooling in her eyes.

_"This, you, me. I need you to go and leave me alone. Please?"_

_"Q?"_

_"Go."_

_"So we you're going to just ignore the feelings we have for each other? It can't be because of Puck, I know a beard when I see one. I thought you stopped being a quitter after you got out of that wheelchair?" _She spat out, venom in her words and hurt on her face.

_"No. You don't get to act heartbroken, Santana! Don't you dare!" _I growled and she had the NERVE to look surprised that I was upset.

_"I get to do what ever the hell I want. I won't let you quit on us Quinn. I am not a quitter!"_

* * *

Her words stung on way more than just an emotional level. The scotch had done nothing to quell the pain that I felt in my back but I had kept it at bay...hoping that we could just lay in bed and steal just one night but she had lied to me and because of that I had convinced myself to stand by my morals.

I had to draw the line. I had to be firm on this.

I was getting Beth back and that was more important to me than anything else.

_"You quit on us the day you proposed to HER. I'm doing nothing more than reminding you of that. I'm done with this. I'm done with you!."_

_"Not because of Puck or Brittany right?" _She was grasping for hope, which I would normally give her but I was tired, I was in pain, and because Beth...she needed me way more than Santana ever could._  
_

_"No. I'm doing this for me. I'm doing this for my daughter and believe it or not, I'm doing it for you. I need you to leave. I love you, Santana. I love you so much that I'm only going to say this once and after that, I'm going to put you on the same level as every other friend."_

_"Q...please?"_ She said, her hands gripping the strap of her bag like a lifeline._ "Don't." _She begged.

_"If you love me and you want to be a person of your word...you will honor the vows that you made to Brittany. Turn this misdirected and misguided affection that you have for me, towards your wife. Please." _I asked, my hand cupping her slightly swollen cheek as I searched her eyes._ "Can you promise me that?"_

* * *

_**A/N: Chicas...I don't know if it's shitty. I just couldn't read it after writing it freeform today. So be gentle with any errors...I'll come back for them on another day. I hope you guys are doing okay. I miss the show...I miss you!**  
_


	12. Chapter 12:Almost Lover

**Almost Lover (A Fine Frenzy)**

* * *

_"That's not fair. You don't get to cry. Stop!"_ I snapped at her as she turned that sad puppy dog expression on me.

_"I'm sorry."_ She turned her face away, wiping at the tears and then looking back at me and nodding. _"You're right. Just..."_ She stepped closer to me and I stood there, paralyzed.

_"What are you doing?"_ I squeaked as her thumbs came to rest just under my eyes, wiping away moisture that I didn't realize was there.

_"One last kiss and then I'll go. I'll be faithful. I'll honor the vows that I took." _

_"No."_ I said, before sucking my lips into my mouth and shaking my head.

_"Please?"_ She begged and as we all know, my will power has never been as strong as I'd like it to be. I released my lips with pop and puckered them.

Her lips on mine, sent tingles throughout my body and I gave into it. Our lips parted and I could taste a mixture of alcohol and the metallic taste of blood. It was jarring and made me nauseous. I jerked back and the hurt in her eyes was immediate.

_"That's enough."_ I snapped, pulling away from the hands that still cupped my face. _"You need to go."_

She looked nodded and then glanced at the alarm clock on my nightstand.

_"The trains have stopped running...would it be okay if I stayed here just until they start running again?"_

_"I need you to leave this house, right now. I don't trust myself with you anymore. I want to respect what you have with Brittany and you need to make it easier for me to do that."_

She nodded, her old tough bitch face taking hold and threw her hands up in defeat.

_"Say no more, Q. I'm out." _It was meant to come out harsh but she sounded as defeated as she looked. I tried not to care as I walked over and pulled the door open, not bothering to look up at her, knowing that if she asked to stay again that I would cave.

_"I love you, Quinn."_ She said. I watched her feet walk towards the hall and bit hard on my lip. Her steps hesitated as she waited for my response, which was more automatic and wooded than it should have been.

_"Prove it."_ I said before I could stop myself.

_"Challenge accepted."_ She said sadly.

I eased the door shut and then pressed my ear against it, listening to the echo of her footsteps down the stairs and then out the door. It hurt like hell but I felt like I had just accomplished something major. It was beyond necessary and a loose end that I was glad to have tied.

* * *

The night before my high school graduation, me and Santana stayed up all night watching old John Hughes movies and eating junk food. We talked about where we planned to be after college, how far the glee kids would go and how most of us were going to take over the planet.

Three years later, and aside from Mike who was off in Chicago taking the world by storm, I was the only one who seemed to be on their way to graduating college (early, no less) and becoming someone greater than who I was in high school.

Even the great Rachel Berry is just a shadow of her former self and I think that a lot of that has to do with losing Finn, her number one fan. As much as I have used men to steer my ship, I always had some kind of end goal. Rachel lost sight of that the day she kissed Finn on that stage and lost a National performance for us. He was her compass, she had woven him into her success story and with his gaping absence, she continued to make one dumb mistake after another.

She's gone back to Lima to get insight, she's even dragged us home to help her but ultimately, it will take someone lighting a fire under her ass and once it's lit she'll forget them. Mercedes has chosen to be the one to light the fire and Kurt will predictably fan her flames. Schue's cult will live on but I cannot be sucked in.

It's the primary thing that I have to keep in mind as I fly back to Lima for the summer.

Even with Beth coming back to me, my focus has to remain on getting as far away from that town and the stigmas as possible.

I won't lose sight of it, I've got way too much to lose and people just waiting to see me fall.

All the love and energy that I fed into my underground obsession for one Santana Lopez is now going to directed at my future.

Mine and Beth's.

That's all that can to remain.

At least for now.

* * *

_"I busted my ass to get out of Yale early and now, I'm missing it like crazy."_

_"It will pass."_ She says, seeming way more interested than I thought she'd be.

_"Thank you for taking her off my hands for awhile."_ I finally said, after an hour long conversation with Sue that was way more enjoyable than a fifteen year old me could have ever imagined. I took short breaths and tried my best to keep up with her.

_"I'm surprised that her and Brittany went so willingly. I mean, not a single question about ulterior motives. I thought I taught you girls better than that."_ She slowed down to a trot.

_"I imagine it was her trying to fulfill her promise to me._" My heart was racing as we began to walk the rest of the way.

_"Hm. She's decided to be faithful then?"_

_"For now."_

_"By the time she and Brittany are back, you should be on your way to Medical school."_

_"I hope so. I'm really considering a gap year." _

_"For Beth?"_ She asked, her hard features turning soft at the mention of my daughter.

_"Absolutely."_

_"Keep that focus, Q. I'm proud of what you've done so far."_

_"I'm doing my best."_

"Good. Sometimes that's all we can do." She patted my shoulder as we came to a stop at the entrance to the field. The moment was charged with so many things that I wanted to say but I was feeling way too much.

_"Thanks, coach. I think I should head to the Lima Bean, Rachel won't let me live it down if I'm late for lunch."_

_"Same time tomorrow?" _

_"I have PT in the morning, lunch with my mother and Merna, so how about a night run?"_

_"Sounds good, Becky is having a sleep over with Robin tomorrow, so I'll meet you here."_

_"See ya, coach."_

* * *

_**A/N: I wanted to get raunchy and put so much in this chapter...it's really just a filler. The next one will be much better...I hope. Enjoy what you can and there is this rumor about this being more about her and Puck...yea...I don't know what story you're reading but this isn't that one. Until next time, chicas!**  
_


	13. Chapter 13:Hell On The Throat

**_A/N: I was sorely tempted to write this from Santana's POV but Nanowrimo is almost upon us and I'm trying my best to stay in one POV...we'll see how long that lasts...for now we are still Quinn all the way._**

**_Onward and Forward, Chicas!_**

* * *

**Hell On the Throat (Dashboard Confessional)**

* * *

_With her gone, I could finally breathe again. I could finally wrap my head around what's really important at the moment. **Beth.** The adrenaline that had been coursing through me, especially after her lips touched mine one last time, began to leave me and the remnants of the alcohol lingered, leaving my head feeling fuzzy and tongue thick in my mouth._

_I felt like a fool as I stared at the door and waited for her to return. She had left earlier and ended up downstairs and so, in pursuit of ice water, I made my way to the stairs because there is no way I'm drinking from the bathroom sink even if each step was excruciating but I pressed on. I had to...I was oh so thirsty._

_I expected her to be gone, so the all too familiar lump on the couch startled me. Her dark hair was thrown across her face as she let out light snores but I knew it was her. __Just looking at her made my heart ache but I had to be strong, keep my resolve like iron. I wanted to shake her awake and ask what she was doing here when I told her I wanted her out of the house but I moved past her and into the kitchen, just the thought of talking to her again tonight or was it morning...made me feel even worse._

_I grabbed a class from the top shelf, extending myself way beyond what I should have and when I came down, I felt a twinge in my back that left me breathless._

_"Shit." I groaned a little too loudly, feeling like I needed to stop being an idiot and go to be already. I waited to hear her come into the kitchen but a glass of water down and another being poured and there was still no sign of her. Maybe that was for the best._

_I took measured steps as I walked towards the steps without a glance back at her._

_"Wake up..." I wanted to whisper but instead, I risked my sanity climbing the steps one last time today. An eternity later, I stood precariously at the top of the carpeted stairs and leaned on the wall, doing my best to catch my breath. The glass in my hand was slippery as the condensation soaked my palm. I had made it._

_"Quinn?" I heard my name from across the hall and did my best to straighten up. I had spent three years at this school and barely anyone knew about the accident that had me nearly paralyzed. I had come so close to keeping that quiet save for a few sisters but now, as I turned towards the sound of my name, three sets of eyes stared at me._

_"Yea?" I snapped, or at least, I tried to._

_"Is do you need anything? You look like you are in pain."_

_"Pain...she looks like she's stuck."_

_"Paralyzed is more like it."_

_I watched the three of them going back and forth and tried my best to hold in a scream._

_"Enough, either help me or shut the fuck up!" I snapped, the growl returning to my voice. My lips tipped into a smile, shit, I was proud that I was able to compose myself. "Can you just help me to my room?"_

_They practically fell over themselves as they rushed to my aid. I had a girl on each side of me and one in the front who took my water from me. All of them seemed ready to break my fall if needed and I was insanely grateful for it._

_"You know, I have a bottle of painkillers from my broken arm last semester, they made me nauseous so I didn't take them. Would that help?" _

_"Yes." I said, probably too quickly but once I'm past my pain threshold, decorum slips right out the window. "Give me whatever you have."  
_

* * *

I woke up with my entire body on fire, even blinking seemed way too arduous but I knew it wouldn't last for long. I reached into my pajama pant pocket and pulled out two pills, not even bothering to wipe the salt from my eyes as I pushed them into my mouth and began to chew on them. The bitter acidic chalkiness made bile rise but swallowed it down waited for the sweet release of the painkillers before moving another muscle.

Three intense years of premed has me way too knowledgeable of the effects of the pills taking hold of my system. I can see the signs of addiction and I know that I need to stop now. While I still can.

That's why I'm in PT, that's why I reached out to Sue to get me back in shape, but I know that I have to do more than that. The gap year, if I chose to take it will be for Beth and me as well, because if things keep going this way, I will need to rehab myself in more ways than one.

_"Quinn? You awake?"_ A voice sneaks past my whirling thoughts, followed by a light from the hallway cutting into the darkness of my early morning haze.

_"Yea?"_

_"Your PT called, he's running late today. Wanted to know if he could move your appointment another hour?"_

_"Yea. That's fine."_

Even though my eyes were still fuzzy, I could see the concern on my mother's face and it sent alarm bells off in my chest. My heart began racing as paranoia and panic took hold.

_"Are you alright?"_ She said, easing the door open more and coming over to my bed. I closed my eyes and tried to swallow the impending panic attack. They were more and more frequent these days and I hated myself for it. It was a weakness, all of this was and I wanted so badly to not feel like a misfit toy.

_"Tired."_ I whispered. My chest felt tight still but my breathing was starting to slow down.

She sat on the edge of the bed and I bit my lip nearly through to keep from yelping. The pain hadn't dissolved yet or was my tolerance higher? I needed help.

_"What do you need?" She said, pressing her cool palm to my face. "You're burning up. I think we need to get you to a doctor."_

_"No. Please?_" I squeaked, not wanting them to see high traces of a medicine I wasn't even prescribed in my blood stream.

_"How about I call Maribel then, see if Antonio is home?"_

_"Mom, that's even worse."_ I said, my eyes feeling wide enough to show my alarm.

_"Santana isn't even home, you can't still be hung up on her."_

_"If something is wrong, he will tell her and she will come straight home. Look, if I'm still bad when its time for PT, I go to the doctor. Okay?"_

_"Fine."_

* * *

One hour, one more pill, and a shower later and I could have done a somersault of the top of a pyramid. Mother of course still seemed to be concerned and kept waiting for me to fall on the floor as I sauntered out of the house, feeling like I was on cloud 99.

_"You aren't driving are you?"_ She asked from the doorway as I walked down the path towards the driveway.

_"I sure am. I already called Dan and told him that I would meet him, there was no need to waste time picking me up. I feel okay. Seriously."_

I stumbled on a rock before I could even finish my sentence. I caught myself before I fell on my face but it was enough to make me wince. I could feel it and I could feel her watching me.

_"I'm driving. No arguments." _She said, reaching into the house for her keys before slamming the door behind her._ "I don't know what you're taking or how much but we aren't going down this road again, Lucy. I'm serious." _

We got into the car, her much faster than me. I held the door open and made to climb in and could hear her huffing and puffing. I dropped into the seat with another twinge of pain but did my best to ignore it.

_"So, I dabbled with too many pills way back when I was trying to walk again but that doesn't mean that I've got a problem, Mother."_ I sighed as I adjusted the passenger seat in her car. I knew there was no changing her mind and with the pain starting to nudge its way back into my consciousness, I knew that I was more grateful for her deciding to drive than I was letting on.

_"I don't want to take any chances. You are so close to so many blessings. I'm not going to let you screw them up over Santana or anything else that might be slowing you down. I won't lose you, Quinn. I'm serious."_

_"I know you are. I have it under control."_

_"That's what an addict would say." _She muttered.

_"Mother, please? Do you really think that I would jeopardize my future for some stupid pills? Do you think I want to sacrifice Beth, again?"_

She buckled herself into the driver seat and tried her best to put on a happy face. My eyes were filling with tears because I knew the conversation that was coming. I knew tears would be shed and if my mother didn't think I could handle any of this, she wouldn't hesitate to stop me from getting Beth back and dragging me to Carol and Burt's house so they could lecture me about how precious my life is. I wouldn't go through that and I wouldn't put them through that either.

Finn didn't just die in his sleep the way they have been saying...those of us that were close to him knew the truth, it was painful and I wouldn't put anyone through that.

If I was already showing signs of something greater, I had to nip it in the bud. Sooner rather than later.

There was way too much to lose.

* * *

My first meeting with Merna, directly after my flight home had been uneventful. It was late but she had insisted on meeting us at the airport with her driver. It had thrown me for a loop because the snooty over the top cars were something that I was convinced that I had left in New Haven. Of course, she was just trying to make a good impression and had told me as much.

Shelby had been the spitting image of her mother and most of the ride was spent with me mindlessly nodding along to what she said and stuck in awe of how much she looked like her daughter, which really shouldn't have surprised me since I had seen how much Rachel had taken after Shelby.

_"You know, you aren't one to be shocked. Beth looks just like you too." _She had said with a sly grin.

The idea of my daughter having that much of me had given me pause. How could I think that she wouldn't remember me? It took me back to something that Santana had said to me during my depression after giving up Beth.

_"You know, Q, all she has to do was look in the mirror to remember your face. That little girl will always know a part of you, even if you aren't there."_

I spent the rest of my time with her smiling, like a lunatic, I'm sure.

* * *

My second time with Merna was over before it even began.

I had been home from PT for exactly one hour and was close to pulling my hair out from the intense pain that my muscles and back were in. It was almost enough for me to pull out my old wheelchair or at least a cane.

_"Quinn, darling. I need to talk to you."_ Mother said as she pushed into the bathroom while I was mid shower.

_"Are you kidding, right now? I'm naked!"_ I snapped at her, unable to suppress the pain I was in.

_"I pushed you out of my va jay jay, Quinn, there is nothing you have that I have not seen before."_ She snickered.

I stood there under the water and traced my fingers over a scar just over my rib cage from my foray into bondage with the Professor, that I was sure she would never want to know about.

_"Is there a reason for this brand of antagonizing?" _I asked, as I turned my back, just in case she was tempted to slide the shower door open for a peak in on me. _"If this is a check to see if I'm sober for lunch with Merna, I'm sure you can tell by now that I am very sober."_

_"Great. I'm glad to hear it. Unfortunately, I had to cancel that due to another engagement."_

_"What?!"_ I said, standing stock still, trying to figure out if I was hallucinating.

_"I told her you were sick with the flu."_

I shut off the water, no longer caring if I was naked as I slammed the door open, thankfully without breaking the glass.

_"Why, would you do that?"_ I panted out, my chest constricting with panic again only this time there was nothing in my system to calm myself down. I saw spot in front of my vision and felt the tell tale sign of tears as my sinuses closed up.

_"Burt and Carole are coming over instead, as well as Antonio and Maribel. I called Sue too but she never got back to me."_

_"Are you telling me in advance that you are staging an intervention?"_ I said through gritted teeth with my last steady breath.

I slid to my knees in the shower and covered my face with my hands. The sobs began with a hiccup before the tears began to come from my eyes, hot and thick.

_"Quinn, it's not exactly an intervention, its more of a check in with people who know and love you. If it was an intervention, I would have called your father."_

My head snapped up as I eyed her just see if she was fucking with me but the doe eyed look she was giving told me that she was way out of her element and trying her best to pull me back from whatever brink she thought I was on.

_"I told you...I told-"_ I couldn't control my breathing, I gripped at my throat as I gasped for air. I could see her eyes go from fascination to panic just before the world went black.

* * *

_**A/N: So...go easy on me. :/**_


	14. Chapter 14:Solitude

_**A/N: Your reception has been amazing. I'm sticking through this thing...I will not desert you. I promise and also, our girl needs to get her shit together...bear with me. :)**_

_**Onward and forward!**_

* * *

**Solitude (Billie Holiday)**

* * *

It has been 72 hours and fifteen minutes since I admitted myself for observation at St. Rita's. Part of it was just to appease the intrusive people in my life and if I'm honest, the other part was to prove to myself that I can beat this new habit of depending on pills.

And because this was done voluntarily, now that the 72 hours is over, it is my decision to move to the outpatient rehab program or to go home and I'm pretty sure I don't want to either one. If I had it my way, I'd be back in New Haven, throwing myself into my studies, pursuing my career instead of being back in Lima, in a hospital, no less.

_"Ms. Fabray?"_ A commanding voice says from the other side of the door, followed by a knock or three.

I do my best to be the picture of poise as I sit by the window, looking out at gray skies and a dismal parking lot. The world outside the window looks no better than the one inside my head but I'm sitting up in a chair. Which may I say, is a major improvement since I woke up here practically paralyzed, after passing out and suffering a concussion. The only good thing that came out of hitting my head on the side of the tub, was being able to miss out on the intervention that my mother had planned for me.

Some people would have gone on ignoring the problems in front of them but I took the hint. Instead of being discharged, I had asked for this stay, just so that I could stop myself from going off the deep end like before.

Not many people are aware of my short stays in Crisis after having Beth and then again after my Skank phase. I have done a lot to pull myself up and so I'm all too aware of when the next drop in the roller coaster ride is.

* * *

_"Come in."_ I croaked, due to lack of talking for the last few days.

The door swung open and there she stood, no more than five feet tall in heels. She was an utter professional, even if she was Santana's mother, even if she had never called me Ms. Fabray in my entire time of knowing her.

She closed the door and stood near my freshly made bed. (Made by me, no less!)

_"You asked for me to meet with you specifically, before we continue, I need to know if that is in a professional capacity or a personal one?"_

_"Is it possible to have a little of both?"_

_"Okay. We can try that." _She said. I watched as she took a seat across from me and pulled a note pad and pen from her pocket. _"Have you made any decision on what your next move will be?"_

_"I don't think I have a problem..." _She took a deep breath but gave no other sign of contradicting me._ "Yet. I think that I could potentially have a problem and the fact that I don't deal very well with change means that things could get much worse."_

_"Can I speak frankly?" She asked, still uncomfortable with the situation I had put her in._

_"Please do. I trust you, Maribel. You've been in my corner since the beginning and I hope that you can be as frank with me as you've always been."_

_I felt a pang in my chest when I looked into the same smirk that Santana had given me a million times. It was always a warning that what came next might not be the easiest thing to swallow but I had asked for it. _

_"For years it has been apparent to me that you suffer from PTSD, not just from the accident but also from giving up your daughter and now that you have this opportunity to get her back you are sabotaging yourself. You've been in physical therapy for years, you have been on medication for years and it is only now, when you are on the cusp of something you that was only in your dreams, you're doubting yourself again. And its why..." _She looked at me hard and then shook her head._ "You know what, I'll keep that to myself for now." _

My heart was stuck in my throat. She knew about me and Santana.

_"Did she tell you or did you guess?"_

The smirk turned to a grin and she shook her head.

_"Lima is a small town, Quinn. She didn't have to tell me."_

_"I love her. Just so you know, I love her more than I ever loved anyone other than Beth."_

Maribel's faced went blank and she nodded.

_"I knew that too but that's not why we're here. Is it?"_ She said, returning to her professional demeanor.

_"I don't know why, honestly. Maybe it is self sabotage."_

_"So what do you think your next moves should be in light of that realization?"_

_"I think that I need to take a timeout and really figure out how I'm going juggle what comes next."_

_"And how do you plan on doing that?"_

_"I don't feel like rehab is where I need to be, I've been here two days and with regular aspirin, I've been fine. I think I do need to get away from my mom and the pressure I'm under with her watching my every move. It's not helping."_

_"I know its unorthodox but you could come stay with me for a few days. Santana and Brittany are still out of the country and will probably go right back to New York, so you don't have to worry about them getting in your way. Maybe I can sit down with you and Judy. Talk you guys through your issues. Beth coming back to you, also means that Judy has to step up as a grandmother. It's a change for her. Frannie is so far, so her children aren't so present but I can't see you being that far from Judy."_

It was like I had been in a half lit room and someone had opened the blinds. How had I not thought of how any of this would affect my mother. This was going to mean a major shift in our relationship dynamic as well. How could I be so blind?

* * *

In theory, staying in Santana's childhood room didn't sound like a big deal and at first, it wasn't of course, that was when I wasn't alone at night.

Her essence wasn't dripping from the surfaces but a stale version of her scent did. This was her sanctuary, even now but it wasn't what I remembered.

Little by little, Brittany had inserted herself into the room, rainbows in the oddest places, unicorn stickers, and that weird breakfast shirt that I had last seen her in was tossed on the floor just by the headboard.

The sheets were clean, Maribel assured me, but somehow this shirt had been missed and it hurt in a way I didn't know possible. As the street lights shined into the dark room, I pulled off my clothes and slipped the shirt over my head.

Call me insane if you so chose but just for a moment, I envied the other blonde in our trio. I envied the way that Santana looked at her and the way that they fell in sync with each other effortlessly. They were always two halves to a whole, like twins separated at birth. I hated Brittany for the hold she had over Santana but at the same time, I couldn't help but admire it.

I climbed in the bed, Brittany's shirt was the only thing touching my body and I wept like I never had allowed myself to before. It was an ugly cry, the kind that Santana would slap me for and Brittany would cuddle around me and encourage. That thought made it even worse. I buried my face into the pillows and sobbed like the pathetic slouch I was being.

* * *

I passed out at some point, sleeping deeper and more peacefully than I had since the night I got my first Yale 4.0. I woke up to my phone buzzing and complete darkness. I groaned, not wanting to move, the peace had been so welcoming, so secure and now I was being yanked from it.

_"This better be important."_ I growled into the phone.

_"Quinn?"_

Every alarm bell in my head was going off, my heart was thudding and I was now wide awake. I pulled the phone away from my face and saw that I had only been sleeping for three hours and it was the middle of the night. I also verified that it was the last person that I wanted to speak to while I sat in their bed.

_"Santana, it's three in the morning."_

_"I'm aware. Are you aware that you're in my bed, in my mother's house?"_ She chuckled.

_"Um..."_ I looked around the room for a hidden camera because it would be just like Santana to have someway to record all the sex she proclaimed to have. _"Are you watching me?"_ I suddenly felt my face flush, embarrassed at the prospect of her seeing me in such a delicate, deranged state.

_"I wish. No. Mami called me and told me that you would be staying so I needed to steer clear but you see, I'm feeling some type of way because she wouldn't tell me why you're there and I know I'm supposed to be leaving you alone or whatever and I've been so good, haven't I? I'm committed to what you asked me to do, B and I just watched the sunrise, in fact. __Right now, s__he's doing some kind of beach yoga on the beach and I just couldn't wait another second to check in on the squatter in my bed. Did Judy get back with Russell or something?"_

New tears ran down my cheeks I pictured them on an island, watching the sunrise. I felt like such an idiot.

_"I was having a bit of breakdown, actually. Your mom suggested that I needed some time to myself and offered to let me stay here." _

_"That's awkward." _She chuckled, the faint sound of a glass clinking as she continued to speak,_ "Like I said, I'm keeping my promise. I'm loving her with everything I've got. What are you doing to hold up your end?"_

_"I don't recall making a promise to you." _

_"On the contrary. I'm talking about one you made to yourself. A birdie tells me how close you are to getting Beth back," _She burst out in a fit of chuckles._ "Sorry, the idea of Puck as a tiny bird just came to me."_ She let out a sigh and then continued_. "Way back when you dyed your hair in Kool-Aid, you promised that if you ever had the chance to get Beth back, you would move heaven and Earth to do it. Correct me if I'm wrong but Beth isn't there with you, is she?"_

_"Goodbye, Santana."_ I sighed, ending the call with a frustrated grunt, knowing that she was way too accurate. I also knew that she'd call back and I was a little more prepared when she did, so much so, that I didn't even give her a chance to speak.

_"Look, it's not going to be that easy to get her back, Santana. I have to ease her into it and I plan on doing just that soon enough. I just need to get myself together first. That's what I'm doing. I'm trying to get myself together, is that so wrong?"_

_"Bullshit. You're putting off the inevitable, like ALWAYS. You're probably sitting in my bed after crying yourself to sleep and moping about what could have been when you pushed ME away countless times. So I call bullshit on your whole pity party, Quinn Fabray. You are so much stronger and smarter than this. You hesitate way too much. That's how Rachel stole Finn, that's how you and I ended up apart. I came after you before getting back with Britt and what did you do?"_

_"IpushedyouawayandgotwithBiff."_ I said in one breath.

_"That's right you wasted time with that Ass-hat. You hesitated in coming to Rachel's wedding and you ended up breaking your back. Nothing good has come of your pussyfooting around, so stop hesitating already. The world isn't going to wait for you anymore. Pursue your daughter like you pursued that degree. Everything else can wait. Even me." _And with that, she hung up, leaving me in the darkness in a breakfast t shirt, with a headache blooming, and my heart at war with my head.

What a place to be!


	15. Chapter 15:Beth:Rest

**Beth/Rest (Bon Iver)**

* * *

I had just fallen asleep when I was being shaken awake but I didn't want to move.

_"Hmm?"_ I groaned, burying my face further into the pillows.

_"Quinnie? Wake up. We need to talk."_

_"Mom?"_ I groaned. _"Its too early."_ I turned my face towards her but kept my eyes closed, she rubbed my back and leaned into my face, blocking out the sunlight that was apparently coming into the room._ "Now?"_

_"Yes. This cannot wait another minute."_ She kissed my cheek and then suddenly I was freezing. She ripped the covers from me and like a child, I curled up even further into myself.

_"Mom!"_ I groaned, finally flipping over and opening my eyes.

She looked at me for a moment and then her face split into a smile as she came closer.

_"What on Earth are you wearing? Is that eggs?"_ She grinned and that's when I remembered the shirt.

_"Shit!"_ I grumbled, sitting up and covering myself.

_"And a sausage? Where did you get such a ridiculous shirt?"_ She was giggling like a two year old, now.

_"It was on the floor, I think it's Brittany's."_ I said, feigning aloofness.

She got her emotions under control and sat down on the edge of the bed. Her face got serious, like she was about to lay some serious heaviness on me and all I could do was just sit there, hair sticking all over the place, a ridiculous shirt on my body, and morning breath.

_"There is no easy way to say this, so I'll just jump right in. Merna had a stroke in the middle of the night. She's at Lima Memorial and they aren't sure she's going to regain the ability to speak."_

_"Wait, what?"_ I was completely confused.

_"Merna-"_ She began again but I just held my hands up.

_"Where's Beth?"_

Mother smiled a tiny bit and then looked down at her hands.

_"She's having a breakfast with her uncle in the kitchen. He flew in this morning and wanted to have a sit down with you. It seems that things are going to be happening a little faster than we expected."_ She said, blowing out a sigh and looking up at me with a big smile.

I was stuck. Frozen in place, utterly unconcerned with every other worry that I had before that moment.

_"Pinch me."_ I muttered, my voice the only thing available to respond.

_"What was that?"_ She said as she leaned in closer.

_"Pinch me, Mother, prove to me this is real."_ I said, feeling a little more clear headed.

I didn't actually expect her to do it but then again, I haven't expected a lot of what's happened since I left New Haven.

* * *

It was real.

So utterly and beautifully real. I had kept on the breakfast shirt because I thought Beth might like it and had actually made myself more presentable by brushing my hair and my teeth.

_"Are you sure you want to wear that shirt?"_ She asked me once more as we made our way down the kitchen stairs. I could hear Beth laughing and didn't really care how dumb the shirt looked. Brittany couldn't be the only person on the planet that could pull it off and even if she was, I had to stop worrying about it because BETH was HERE to see ME!

I pushed into the kitchen and there she was, or at least there was the back of her perfect blonde head.

_"Aha, you have to be Quinn. There is no way you couldn't be."_ Said a the most perfect jawline that I had ever seen as he stood up to greet us. He had to be the son that Merna had told me about and my God he was strikingly beautiful. He had the strong jawline that Shelby and her mother shared but the rest of his face looked like it was chilled by the Gods.

I felt a pinch from my Mother and was grateful that she had snapped me out of it. Maybe I'm just not attracted Puck anymore?

He put his hand out and I took it, feeling like I might swoon, which was totally inappropriate and unexpected.

_"Um...yes...sorry, I don't think I'm fully awake. I'm still trying to convince myself that I'm not dreaming."_ I rambled, feeling my face flush with embarrassment as I took his hand.

_"Oh that's alright. As you can imagine, a certain four-year-old doesn't like to sleep past six in the morning on a Saturday. I'm Vincent Ignacio, Merna's son."_

_"Ignacio?" I asked confused._

_"My mother remarried after Shelby's dad left..." He said, seeming slightly uncomfortable with discussing Shelby. _

_"Right, I'm sorry for your loss. How's Merna, any news?" I asked, trying to get my head together. _

_"It's not looking good, honestly but she's a tough cookie, this won't stop her."_

_"I hope not. She's a great woman."_

He smiled a perfect smile and then looked down at the blonde that still hadn't moved a muscle. She bopped her head along and I couldn't help but lean closer to see what she was doing. A cartoon danced in front of the screen and she was completely invested.

_"Beth?" _He called but she didn't respond._  
_

Vincent's smile was replaced with a frown as he reached over to the girl next to him and tapped Beth on her shoulder. I watched as she pulled earbuds from her ears and turned her head to look up at him.

_"Yes?"_ She whined, obviously annoyed that he had interrupted whatever she was doing on the tablet in front of her.

_"Turn that off for awhile, Bunny, There is someone that I want you to meet."_

* * *

Beth sighed and then put the earbuds down on top of the tablet and then looked up at him again impatiently before turning towards where her uncle was looking. Our eyes met and I felt the breath leave my lungs. My heart thudded in my chest as I looked at a four year old version of myself.

_"Hi. Quinn Quinn Fabray."_ She said, raising her eyebrow in expectation, proving that she knew exactly who I was and remembered our talk.

_"Hi, Beth."_ I said as soon as I could get the air in my lungs again. _"It's nice to meet you."_ I wanted to say again but I wasn't sure what she knew and so I just smiled.

She slid out of the chair until her feet hit the floor and then padded over to me with her eyes squinted and her eyebrow still raised. We all watched Beth as she stood in front of me, barely coming up to my waist and crooked her finger at me. I leaned down until I was on her level and she reached out and touched the sides of my face.

I looked in her beautiful eyes as she looked over my face in wonder.

_"You look like me."_ She said, her raised eyebrow falling and her eyes going wide. _"Mama said that I lived inside another Mommy when I was being made. Are you her?"_ She asked, tears filling her eyes.

I looked up at Vincent and he looked just as surprised as I felt but he nodded for me to answer.

_"Yes, I'm her."_

She let go of my face, took a step back and then dropped her face into her hands for a moment and then taking a deep breath and looking back at me with a small smile.

_"You're pretty, just like Mama said."_ Another tear slid from her eye and she angrily wiped it away. _"I'm sorry. I cry when I think about her in heaven."_ She apologized.

I stood back up because my back demanded it but I didn't lose eye contact with her.

_"It's okay to cry, Beth. It's okay to be sad about losing Mama."_ I said, smiling at her. I was finding it impossible not to smile at her in fact.

_"No. I don't like to cry. That's for babies."_ She said, her face clearing up as she swallowed whatever emotions she had. Even without raising her, she had that Fabray determination that comes from Russell. It would be her greatest weakness if she allowed it to be and if she had that, I was willing to bet that she was just as stubborn too.

_"Me either." _

_"Okay! Who's hungry?"_ Maribel's voice came from the other side of the kitchen where she had been apparently standing quietly this whole time.

Beth's face perked up and she grinned.

_"Me! Quinn Quinn's shirt is making me hungrier."_

* * *

_"So Bunny," Vincent said once we were all digging into the best testing waffles on the planet. "How would you like to spend the day getting to know, Quinn?"  
_

Beth looked up at him in surprise and then over at me.

I tried to play it cool, I mean come on, I'm her birth mother and she has to be curious about where I've been.

_"No." _She said, as matter a fact as you please and then went right back to eating her waffle without a second glance.

_"No? Why not, Bun?" _Vincent asked and she looked back at me again without saying a word._ "She seems nice enough, I'm sure she could take you to do whatever you want today." _

Beth turned her gaze towards Vincent and stared him down, silently asking why she was being put on the spot. He didn't seem to understand though but I sure did and I was doing my best to swallow the rejection from my own child.

_"I want to see, Memaw just in case she wants to go to heaven too. I want to be there to hold her hand." _She looked over at me, tears in her eyes but she didn't seem angry about them this time, for Merna, she let them stay._ "I'm sorry, Quinn Quinn." _

I shook my head and smiled as nice as I could.

_"That's perfectly fine, Beth. It's important to be with your Memaw right now. I will be here when you're ready." _

_"Promise?" _She asked, looking at me with that discerning look again._ "You won't run away?"_

That rumor about kids being honest is the God's honest truth and her words stung but in a sense, they were right. It's what I've always done, I run away from things. Yale has been the only exception and maybe I can keep that momentum going.

_"I promise." _

* * *

**_A/N: This chapter is strange and weird but I had to write it and I hope its sweet enough. I needed to get it out of my system so that we can move onto the fun stuff! Quinn has been a martyr enough! :) Also, let me know if there is anything that you are dying to know or see. I need some inspiration!  
_**


	16. Chapter 16:My Little Girl

**My Little Girl (Jack Johnson)**

* * *

_"How are you feeling?"_

I had just gotten back from PT and was aching all over in places that I'm convinced I only use when I'm stretching them out.

Maribel picked me up and handed me a cup of coffee as I finished buckling into her car. She had a soft smile on her face and a gleam in her eyes that meant she was holding something back.

_"Achy but good. Only a little pain today. I think I'm finally getting back on track."_

_"That's great to hear."_ She said as she began to drive in the opposite direction of her house.

_"Where are we going?"_

_"The hospital, Vincent called while I was waiting for you, Merna isn't going to make it and I figured you would want to be there for Beth."_

Sadness filled me but more so for Beth than anything else. This was two big blows for my daughter in less than six months. It way more than a four year old should have to bear.

_"Yea, of course."_ I said, sipping from my coffee as I stared at the dark asphalt in front of the car. _"I don't even know what to do. Sensitivity...you know, it's never really been my strong suit."_

_"Maybe with people you don't love but I don't think it will be hard when it comes to your little girl. Our children exist on a different level than even our parents and siblings. You'll see."_

* * *

I stood there like a zombie, fist balled up, ready to knock but I was stuck and feeling stupid. Maribel had gone off to find Antonio and promised to meet up with me in a little while but I was wishing that she had at least persuaded me to knock before she left._  
_

And then I heard it and that feeling Maribel was talking about came over me. Beth whimpered and then I could hear a choking sob. It was tiny and reminded me of a wounded bird.

I didn't bother knocking. I pushed open the door and stood still as I saw Beth thrown across Merna's body. The monitors were already off, including her heart monitor. She was already gone.

_"I'm here. I'm here." _Beth whimpered. My chest clenched and I took a few more steps forward until I was just behind Vincent's chair. He had his head in his hands and his shoulders shook as he cried soundlessly.

I placed a hand on his shoulder and he got stiff.

_"It's me. I didn't want you guys to be alone." _I said, rubbing his shoulder and he nodded without a word.

_"Quinn Quinn?" _Beth's small voice called out to me. I looked over and her big green eyes looked impossibly larger with all of the tears in them. _"She's in heaven."_

I could tell she was trying to stop crying but then she would look at the stiff body that she was lying on and start up again.

My hand slipped from Vincent's shoulder, down to my side and hung there clenched, wanting nothing more than to scoop Beth up and hold her as she cried but I knew that the last thing that I should do is take her away from Merna just yet.

No, I needed to just be present for both Vincent and Beth, no ulterior motives. I looked at Merna, a woman I hadn't spent a lot of time with but who had reached out to me. She had sought me out, feeling that I was important enough to be given a chance.

She trusted me and had come to Lima to be near me, never thinking that she would never go back home. I pushed down the guilt that was rising, it had no place here and I was pretty sure that Merna wouldn't appreciate it.

None of them would.

I put walked forward and placed a hand on Merna's lukewarm one, her body would be ice cold soon enough but for now, the room kept her warm enough to almost feel alive but I knew better. I put my other hand on Beth's back and rubbed gently.

_"I'm so glad you were here with her, Beth."_

She looked up at me, her cries a little quieter and she nodded.

_"Me too."_

Maribel was right, my love Beth had no limit. I'd do anything for my little girl.

* * *

I partially expected Beth to put up a fight when they wheeled Merna away but she moved out of the way and stood in the corner of the room and watched. Her eyes were dry by then but the hurt was all over her face. Vincent, too, seemed to pushing the pain away as he stood with a doctor near the door and talked through extraditing the body to Texas.

Which reminded me that before long he would be taking Beth away from me, to Texas with him and maybe I wouldn't see her again and somehow that felt even worse than when I sat in this very hospital and gave her away.

It was then that I felt the warm tears sliding down my face. I turned towards the window, which gave me a better view of Beth in my away with my sleeve and did my best to swallow back the need to wrap Beth in my arms and run away.

_"Are you crying?" _A small voice, one that was embedded on my soul at this point, said from just beside me. I looked down to see Beth sliding her hand into mine. At her touch, a wholeness filled me and then broke wide open.

I wouldn't let this be the last time we were together. I couldn't see my life going back to the way it was with me against the world. me versus life. I didn't want to. Nothing was more important to me than being in Beth's life even if it was partially. While not everything, it was way more than I had up to this point.

_"I'm okay. It's just a sad day."_ I admitted. She squeezed my hand and a sob finally broke from my lips.

_"Quinn, Quinn?"_

I looked down and just like that morning, Beth was crooking her finger at me, so I leaned down and rewarded with Beth's arms around my neck. I wrapped my arms around her and stood up.

She wrapped her arms tighter and buried her face against my neck.

The feeling of holding my daughter for the first time since she was born, the time I attempted to kidnap her aside, it was like every void inside of me was filled.

I rocked her and stared out the window, imagining a new life for us. A life that I needed to have, one that would save us both from ever having to feel so much sadness.

_"Better?"_ She whispered, sitting up in my arms and looking into my eyes.

_"A little. How about you?"_

She nodded, tears still in her eyes and then put her face back against my neck and mumbled.

_"A little."_ She replied, her tears soaking my neck but there was no way I could complain.

Here I was, the world at my feet and an addiction just barely avoided, and an unrequited love in my heart but none of that matter because I was holding my little girl and she was holding me right back!

* * *

_**A/N: 1 of 2 today (EST). If I don't come back...feel free to bug the shit out of me! A little more sap for you.** _


	17. Chapter 17:Holding On To You

**Holding On To You (twenty one pilots)**

* * *

_"I just want you to know that I'm not going to renege on this whole custody thing. My mother's last mission was to reconnect the two of you and I am not going to let that be in vain."_

My spine stiffened as his words permeated the fog of doubt that was clouding my brain. Beth's body was warm and soothing against mine as I rocked her from side to side.

She was quickly becoming my anchor and while I knew that becoming more attached to her was dangerous while the custody issue still lingered, I couldn't help myself.

I turned from the window and saw Vincent standing there, his suit jacket thrown over his arm as he looked at me.

_"I'm going to do my best not to get my hopes too high, its really hard for me to give in to the idea that you are willing to let her go so easily."_

He looked at Beth and smiled.

_"You know from experience that giving up Beth is never easy. That kid is my godchild, my niece, my little Bunny. I love her from the depths of my heart and so no, it won't be easy. In fact, its impossible and so I was hoping that maybe you would come to a compromise."_

A weight sunk to the pit of my stomach, I slipped down into a chair and cradled my daughter even closer as I looked up at Vincent, who still seemed sincere. He still seemed genuine and that's when it hit me.

His charm reminded me of Russell and that idea alone wiped all traces of attraction away. Hopefully though, he was different. I was counting on it.

* * *

_"What kind of compromise?"_ I asked, my eyebrow raising despite my efforts to keep my face neutral.

_"Summers. I'm willing to have partial custody and give you physical and legal. Which would mean that for 10-11 months out of the year, she'd be all yours."_

_"What about her birthday?"_

_"Falls in the spring. I'd take her from July 1 to August 31. You'd have some time to breathe and I'd be able to take on the responsibility of making sure she doesn't forget my mother and Shelby."_

I thought about the possibility of sharing custody, about how Santana had done it for most of her childhood until her parents reconciled. I knew that it was

* * *

doable and while it must have been hard for Maribel, it seemed that she hadn't lost any of her bond with Santana.

_"You would be willing to put it in writing?"_

_"Does that mean you would be willing to give up your summers with Beth?"_

_"Vincent, for the last four plus years, I have had to celebrate holidays and her birthdays without her in my life at all. Right now, just holding her is more than I ever expected. So I am more than willing to sacrifice two months if that means that I get to have her with me permanently."_

_"There are some things that have to happen behind the scenes for this to be binding but the fact that my mother saw fit to change her Will not too long ago, essentially giving you custody if I stepped aside, this won't be too difficult."_

_"So what happens next?"_

_"Well, I say we file the paperwork, just to get the ball rolling as soon as possible. I need to head to Texas tomorrow morning."_

_"With Beth?" _

_"Hmm?"_ I barely heard the sound but Vincent did as he looked down at his niece. He crouched down in front of us and brushed his hand over her hair.

_"Hey Bunny. Do you need anything?"_ He asked her softly.

_"Meemaw."_ She whispered, craning her neck towards where Merna's bed had been.

Vincent dropped his head and took a deep breath before looking up into the sad green eyes that were beginning to tear up as she remembered that it wasn't a dream._  
_

Beth turned from Vincent and looked up at me, her eyes wet and her lip quivering.

_"She's in heaven." _She assured herself and then repeated._ "She's in heaven?"_

_"Definitely." _I said, not bothering to smile. This was serious for her and I didn't want to chance her thinking that I was just humoring her and as hard as it was, I confirmed more for her benefit than my own. _"With your Mama."_

* * *

Beth laid her head on my shoulder again, her tears continuously soaking my shirt and my neck. I bounced my knee gently and hummed to her until her shaky breaths calmed down.

She was spent and I wanted nothing more than to relieve her of that but I had no idea how I could. I felt helpless but I couldn't show it.

This wasn't about me. It wasn't about Vincent or custody, this was about Beth getting through another loss in her life without losing a piece of herself and I would do everything in my power to help her.

Vincent stood up from his haunches and looked down at us with his eyes questioning. I could tell that he was trying to figure things out and wanted what was best for everyone. I was putting my faith in him. That he was as good as Merna believed.

_"If you aren't doing anything, would you mind coming to Texas for awhile? Help Beth get used to the idea of coming back with you? Get some custody things figured out?"_

_"Really?"_ I asked, feeling a fire burn brighter inside of me as I held my daughter tight.

_"Absolutely. I know it's your summer off but it would be a really big help. My wife and I both work full time and so Beth would be stuck with one of my bratty nieces from my wife's family. I'm not sure I'd want to put Beth through that so really you'd be doing all of us a favor."_

_"Okay. I would love to."_

* * *

_"So, just like that, you're going to Texas?"_

_"Yes, Mother. Vincent asked me to come, I didn't invite myself, if that's what you're thinking."_ I huffed as continued throwing things in my bag.

_"How long will you be there?"_

_"Not sure." _

_"That means you'll get to spend her birthday with her, right?"_

I paused and looked at her, feeling shocked that I hadn't even thought about the date but that was about right, I had been back from school for a few weeks, I'd been home for almost a month.

I looked at the calendar and sure enough Beth's birthday was in a week.

_"I guess you're right."_ I said, looking at my mother with a grin that I couldn't even hide if I tried to.

_"That's so great, my love. I hope this will be the thing that pushes you forward towards a new plan for your life. Past anxiety and the occasional addictive binge."_

And just like that, the grin vanished as she sat her heavy hopes on my shoulders.

My phone rang and I barely looked at the screen in a rush to ignore the shit out of my mother.

_"Hello?"_

_"Guess who's going to be an auntie?!" _A bubbly voice yelled into my eardrum._  
_

_"Brittany?"_

_"Santana wanted to tell you herself but I couldn't wait for her to get off the phone with her mom and dad. She's been giving them the news for an hour and so I called my parents and now you! Isn't this amazing?"_

_"Wow...B...uh...wow!" _

_"Aren't you excited?" _She asked, still nearly shrieking at me._ "Because I sure am! We're four weeks and I know its bad luck but like Santana told me on our wedding day, we used all of our bad luck up already, so what's there to lose. Right? Quinn? Did you faint?"_

I sunk to my mattress, phone pressed to my ear and nearly jumped from my skin when I saw that my mother was still standing in my doorway, her mouth agape as she waited to find out what was up.

_"No, Brittany, I'm still here. Congratulations. I'm just in shock. I thought you were applying for Julliard."_

_"I am. I start in August. Santana's pregnant not me, silly!" _

And that's when I died.

_"Oh?"_

_"Quinn?" _She asked.

_"Hmm?"_

_"This means you can let her go now."_

Her words shocked me back to life, back to realizing just why Brittany had rounded out the Unholy trio. She was no saint and as childish as she was, a part of her was still a genius.

And because of that I knew for sure, that she had planned to be the one to tell me all along. Just so she could rub it in.

How mature of her.

_"Let her go?"_ I asked.

_"I know everything, including what she promised you and I want you to know that you don't have to hold onto her anymore because from now on, whatever you two had going on, is over. I won."_ She said, her voice going still and sharp. _"Right?"_

Piercing straight through my heart.

_"Yea, B. You won." _

_"Great! So keep an eye out for a shower invitation in few months! Gotta call some other people! See ya!"_ She giggled through her last statement and then ended the call before I could say another word.

Thankfully.

* * *

**_A/N: ...I know!_**


	18. Chapter 18:Big Girls Cry

**_A/N: If trolls ain't hatin', trolls ain't happy. ;) Anywayz, I spent my Saturday making pasteles with my wife and inlaws. My fingers are killing me after prepping the masa and carne but I feel so accomplished and even though my finger tips are literally killing me, this chica is ready for the holidays...coquito is next on the menu. Tangent over...lets get on with this thang! :)_**

* * *

**Big Girls Cry (Sia)**

* * *

I fell back on my bed and stared up at the ceiling for a long time, feeling like tears should be coming out of my eyes but I wasn't sad. Babies are blessings and just because Santana could possibly be having one doesn't mean that suddenly Brittany had won some imaginary competition but I wasn't going to tell her that.

She was insecure and I had no time for it.

_"Quinnie, is everything alright?"_ I had almost forgot that my mother had been standing there. I sat up and smiled at her, letting out a sigh and then tossing my phone onto the bed before standing back up and getting back to packing.

_"Apparently, Santana's pregnant. If I believe Brittany, she's four weeks." _

_"Oh."_ Mother said, eyeing me, _"And you're okay with that?"_

I shrugged. _"Not my problem really."_

_"Quinn, this is Santana we are talking about."_

_"I know. I'm okay."_

_"If you say so."_ She tried to smile but her eyes were still squinted, I shrugged again and went back to arranging my clothes. I think that Mother was mentally preparing herself for a breakdown that I knew wasn't coming. I was sad but not for the reason that was obvious. Any baby that came from Santana would be beautiful and endlessly loved by me, what I was sad about was the potential that Santana was about to throw away, if Brittany is to be believed.

_"I'm not going to break down. I'm okay."_ I said when I saw that she was still staring at me a few minutes later as I was zipping my suitcase. _"It's a shock, sure, but after the week that I've had, I think I'm too emotionally exhausted to get bent out of shape over it. There is a little girl that needs me more than anyone else does and I'm going to be there for her."_

I could practically see the relief release the stiff muscles of her face as she smiled more naturally.

_"That's good to hear. I think I'm going to head to bed, do you need anything?"_

_"I'm going to call Beth and then I'm going to probably call it night too."_

_"Well, then, goodnight Quinnie. Wake me if you need me."_

_"I will."_

* * *

It was like a switch had been flipped from the moment the rest of the house was dark. After I had a brief call with just Vincent, because Beth had cried herself to sleep and he didn't want to wake her. I understood but it still broke down the levy of tears once I ended the call. I showered and laid out my clothes for tomorrow and put my suitcase on my window seat. It was late but I wasn't tired.

The smart thing to do would have been to call it a night like I had said I would do but my mind was whirling and I couldn't get it to stop. I needed to confirm what Brittany had said and I couldn't let the night end without doing it. Brittany had done something entirely stupid, she had poked a sleeping dragon. I hadn't been thinking of Santana until she called me and drug me back down into their drama.

And I was tired of it. I wanted to move past it. At this moment in our lives, at 21 years old, we weren't meant to be together and I was ready to commit to that idea as the gospel because I couldn't allow either Brittany or Santana to distract me from being a good mother to Beth. I would never forgive myself if I gave my daughter a watered down, distracted version of myself. I have been dreaming of having her back in my life for way too long to let some stupid bimbo ruin it for me.

Mother was sleeping in the next room, I could hear her murmuring in her sleep and so I took my phone down to my father's old study that was just as he had left it minus his old dusty books that he cherished more than me or my mother and almost as much as he loved Frannie.

I closed the door and locked it just in case Mother woke up and decided that she wanted to be mother of the year some more. I loved her for it but when I'm about to wallow, I'd rather not have any witnesses.

The safe wasn't locked, which was great because I didn't remember the password and I was sure that my shaky hands couldn't have spun the combination. I pulled open the vault door (because of course Russell Fabray couldn't be a normal person and have a good little box in the wall, he needed a closet) and there before me was his vintage wine collection that he kept hidden from Mother and the rest of us but I knew way more than he ever knew.

I was sixteen when I learned how to cork and foil his old bottles after drinking them and refilling them with grape juice and cheap vodka. There were a few bottles left that he hadn't managed to take before Mother put him out, the dust that was on them and the impeccable foil was original, thankfully. I was afraid to see what my concoctions had turned out to taste like.

A quick tear and use of the electric opener had a bottle open and me smiling like an idiot.

And this was just the beginning.

* * *

A glance at the old clock in the corner said two in the morning, I had a flight at noon, the earliest that Vincent had been able to get me on short notice. He and Beth would be leaving at six, so they wouldn't have to see the inevitable wreck that I would be when I got on my flight. Thankfully.

I didn't want to see her face but I needed to because Santana is a master manipulator and can lie easier than Rachel Berry can be honest, her eyes though they can never look at me and lie. It was a risk because Brittany could be hovering but I was almost half a bottle in by the time I had gotten up the nerve to actually connect the call and I was becoming increasingly angry, too angry to stop myself. I wasn't sure if she was back from their honeymoon or not and I really, really didn't fucking care.

The screen was black at first but I could hear the rustle of sheets and a light whisper before I saw the pale light of a room before the screen went completely bright and there she was, in a sunny place, her hair swirling around her face. I was completely confused. How was it daytime where she was?

_"Where are you?"_ I asked, momentarily forgetting why I had called her in the first place.

_"Japan."_ She said, her voice horse._ "It's got to be the middle of the night there. Is everything okay?" _She said, brushing her fingers through her hair as she turned herself, so that I could see the view of a city behind her. She was high up, a hotel maybe.

_"What are you doing there?"_ I asked, she smirked at me and then sat down, a sliding door behind her.

_"I'm here on a whim. It's a long story but I'm pretty sure that my life is about to get pretty interesting."_

_"Oh yea?"_ I asked, ready for her to tell me about her impending motherhood.

_"Yea. Wait...are you drinking...in Russell's office?"_

_"Obviously." _I chuckled, showing her the old bottle and then I did a quick sweep of the room with my phone before looking at her face again._ "A lot of that fake wine we made is gone, so he must have not noticed the switch. This though, is definitely a vintage one." _

_"Oh God, I wish I could have some of that right now." _She pouted and my stomach churned because of course, she couldn't have wine right now even if she wanted to.

_"Me too. I wish you were here. Lima isn't the same without you, thankfully, I get to escape for a few days."_

_"Oh yea?" _Her eyes got squinted and she got closer to the phone screen._ "Where ya headed, Q? Did you finally decide to go to Santorini with the bourgeoisie twins."_

Up until that moment, I had actually not considered, seriously, an offer of a summer in Greece but for split second it sounded pretty nice in comparison to Lima.

_"Nope. I am actually headed to Loredo with Vincent and-"  
_

_"Who the heck is Vincent and why is he taking you to Texas?"_ She said, cutting me off and suddenly serious.

_"Vincent is Shelby's MARRIED brother."_

_"Oh."_

_"Yea. Shelby's mom passed away this morning and so I'm headed to Loredo to bury her and start the process of getting full custody of Beth." _I said in one rushed breath before taking another sip of wine, straight from the bottle.

_"Wait...despite the deaths...this should be exciting for you but you aren't drinking celebratory wine. What's wrong? Do you not want Beth anymore?"_

_"I do." _

_"Then why are you sad? Did Vincent hurt you? Are you sad over Shelby and her mom? Talk to me Q."_

And there she was, the best friend that I had been needing her to be these past few weeks. I felt the tears way too late and they came in a rush of blinking and harsh swallowing as I tried to quell the need to sob.

Santana's face crumpled as she looked at me sternly.

_"I've got all this shit going on. I haven't even looked into med school...I spent three days in the psych ward. It's been a tough week."_

_"Shit...I bet. You're not still wearing the breakfast shirt though, so that's good."_

_"Wait, what?"_

_"Mami told me about it." _She said, a small smirk on her face. _"I would have paid money to see you wearing that."_

_"Yea well, sorry to disappoint."_

_"So talk to me. Are you still feeling unhinged? Are you having second thoughts?"_

_"No. I KNOW that I want Beth. She's the greatest and you'll love her. I'm sad about Shelby and Merna dying and Beth having to shoulder that and I'm kind of pissed that Puck isn't here for any of it and he's been out of touch but more than anything, I'm disappointed that you weren't the one to tell me that you're pregnant."_

_"What?"_

_"Don't play dumb, Brittany called earlier."_

_"SHE DID WHAT?!" _

* * *

The connection began to cut up as she stood up and pulled the sliding door open. The screen went dark again and she began to mumble something to someone. A man's voice responded to her but it he was muffled.

Even though I couldn't hear her exact words, from the sound of her voice she was near tears. The fact that she was this upset, told me enough. Brittany had fucked up.

Her voice started to get louder but still she was muffled, it seemed like I was pressed against her chest. I imagined that it was a hug and it made me feel warm all over.

And then suddenly, I could hear her voice again and the screen got light, the warmth faded and worry replaced it. The sound of the sliding door was followed by the sight of her face and it gave me pause. Her eyeliner had begun to smudge and from what I could tell, we were once again outside. She sat on the patio chair, looking devastated and pissed all at once. What got my attention though was the fact that she was now on another phone._  
_

_"You called Quinn."_ She said, holding the phone for me to see her but she wasn't looking at me as she bit her lip and listened._ "No, stop it. This isn't a game. What did you say to her, B and why?" _I watched the realization and anger become more apparent and more tears came down her face, bringing her mascara with them.

_"Because she's jealous." _I muttered, taking a long swig of the wine and savored the sweetness of it on my tongue. I was giddy and was happy that Santana was too upset to notice my gloating. I did my best to put on a straight face even though I wanted to laugh.

_"Why did you do that, you know that it was something we talked about but I told you, B it's not happening. Especially not now! This is MY chance. Be happy for me like I was for you, please? She's got so much going on and because you are mad at me and something that I did, you decided to fuck with her? Someone died, Brittany. She's grieving. HOW DARE YOU, B! This is low and I don't plan on having a marriage built on vindictive lies. That's not you, B. We're too old for these games." _

I hated seeing this conversation take place but I couldn't bring myself to hang up, the sickness that I had been feeling was quickly turning to glee and I was feeling guilty for it. I was feeling slightly ashamed but very much vindicated.

Santana mumbled something that I couldn't quite hear and then ended the call. She put the phone down and then wiped at her face with the sleeve of the robe that she was wearing.

As vindicated as I felt, she seemed completely heartbroken...again.

* * *

We were alike in a lot of ways, including wanting to wallow alone and although I could see the embarrassment as she finally brought her phone closer to her face she wouldn't expect or appreciate my sympathy and thankfully, I had schooled my face into what I hoped was a more neutral expression.

_"Quinn, I'm sorry for what she did. There's no excuse but you should know what started it."_

_"No, that's not necessary."_

_"It is. I did this and you deserve to know why and you can't act like it didn't affect you because you're drinking alone in the middle of the night right before you have to deal with custody arrangements and a funeral. It can't be easy for you right now and this was the polar opposite of what you needed. So let me at least tell you why she's being such a bitch."_

_"Fine."_ An incoming call showed up on the screen and I rolled my eyes as I declined it. Santana's face showed up again and I rolled my eyes again. _"Brittany is calling me. I'm not going to answer. I don't think I can handle anymore of her today."_

_"Good, let her feel as shitty as we do right now."_

_"Santana, don't be cold."_

She growled and pushed her hair back, black streaks were drying on her face as she pushed out her bottom lip. She went to open her mouth and I could see the veneers that she had gotten to fix her teeth but I didn't want to bring it up. Maribel told me about how insecure she was about smiling now and I didn't want to point it out.

_"Okay, it's late for you and I need to get back in there so this is what went down. A few months back Sam gave me the cards of a few modeling agencies before he left for Lima. I called a few when I got back to New York. I went on a couple of Go Sees and the day after we spoke, I got call for a job in Tokyo and I'm here. Brittany is totally upset that I'm not on our honeymoon and that from here I'm supposed to be going to Milan for a day or two and then if another job comes up I'm going to that. She wanted me to get pregnant while she went to school. I said no."_

_"Good!"_ I said, raising the bottle to her in salute but instead of smiling she scowled.

_"You should stop drinking, Luce. Beth needs you at your best and this isn't it. So now you know that I'm in no way, shape or form knocked up and I don't see that happening anytime soon. I'm still trying to figure out this whole marriage and if I made the right choice. I promised that I would try and I am. I even told her about the promise I made to you. Maybe that's my mistake. I gave her the ammo and she used it."_ Another few tears fell and she let them.

_"It's fine. No harm, no foul. I'll stop drinking, you're right, this isn't my best. That call was just the last straw on a heavy week."_

_"Well, you can at least walk away from this knowing that you inspired me to get off my ass and do something for me. You know, I see you and the rest of the gleeks, even Puck doing things and I'm just drifting. It's not good enough for me. I'm the daughter of two doctors. I've been way too spoiled and I just expected to coast as long as I could but you showed me that I have way more potential than that. Thanks."_

_"That's what best friends are for, right?"_

_"I guess so."_ There was knock on the sliding door behind her and she looked back and then groaned._ "I need to get back to work. So put the wine away and go get some sleep. Keep me updated on the custody thing, I want to be the first to congratulate you. I love you, Luce."_

_"I love you too."_

* * *

Despite the stumble as I stood, when I pushed the cork into the wine bottle, I saw that I had drank barely under half. I would definitely be grateful for not over indulging by the time Mother was up and forcing me out of bed.

I felt an incredible lightness as I grabbed a bottle of water from the kitchen before heading up to bed. The imminent future was going to be tough, but I was feeling more prepared for it than ever. I had started my spiral downwards upset and distracted but I knew that from here on out, I was done being sorry for myself and worrying about Santana. For the first time in awhile, I could stop mothering those around me and start the process of becoming the mother that I was destined to be.

For real this time!

And also, Brittany hadn't won which was the cherry on what was becoming an incredible fucking sundae.

* * *

**_A/N: Okay dolls I wrote this in one shot so there's probably typos but, I gave you my Sunday morning and now I'm going to hang with my wifey. Be easy homies! :0)_**


	19. Chapter 19:Holding On For Life

**Holding On For Life (Ellie Goulding)**

* * *

_***Dreams are the hearts way of communicating your deepest desires or fears, sometimes both simultaneously.***_

_She laid in front of me, her hair in it's natural ringlets, her naked body obstructed by the obsidian sheets but my imagination has never failed me._

_"Are you done yet?" She teased and I shook my head, my tongue peaking from between my lips as I used the charcoals to recreate a shadow of her beauty._

_"Just stay still and keep picturing me naked, I like the look you get in your eye."_

_She smirks and looks me over with a deep, guttural chuckle that both unnerves me and binds me together._

_"You know, we could be actually doing naked things instead of this." _

_"I told you, that's not my thing Santana."_

_"But we both know that's not true. I mean, what straight girl asks her best friend to strip off all of her clothes and pose for her?"_

_She was right, we both knew it but I couldn't be the other girl. Brittany and Santana were meant to be together even if it was more because of circumstance than fate._

_"The kind of girl that worked her ass off to get into Yale and neglected her art grade."_

_"I thought you said you had a high C. What's wrong with that?"_

_"What do you mean? I don't get Cs. Not even when I was pregnant or a Skank. I am so close to having a perfect GPA Santana, I just need you to be still. Please?"_

_"Admit it, Q...you wantz to be all up on this." She said, moving from her pose and licking her lips. I could feel my face flushing._

_"Will that get you to be still?" I asked, my eyebrow quirked._

_"Cross my heart." She said, her nose scrunching up and her eyes comically small as she climbed to her knees, exposing her entire naked body to me while she crossed her fingers over her left breast. "And hope to die." _

_"Then yes, I want nothing more than to knock you down a peg or two in bed. Happy?"_

_"Dead." She said, the back of her hand resting on her forehead as she collapsed back onto the bed and into the tangle of blankets._

_As much as I was being sarcastic, I found that my words rang more true than I had intended. If I ever had the chance again, I knew that I wouldn't pass it up...not for the world._

_**Dreams aren't reality...so give up and move on.**_

* * *

The day the glee club saw Rachel off on the train station, I had spent the morning in Santana's bedroom drawing her for extra credit. That was the first time that I had ever acknowledged out loud how much I was attracted to her.

It was also the first time that I even allowed the thought some credence but in my mind, at the end of the day it was always supposed to be Santana and Brittany.

Even when I finally had her to myself and she was moaning my name, her moans, song like as I brought her to release as if it wasn't my first time with another woman.

Even then, I knew that I was a placeholder and that no matter what she would always be Brittany's and I think, no, I am certain that Brittany rests her laurels on that fact. Its why I threaten her because she was starting to see what I now understand.

Now that they aren't in a small fish bowl, Santana's eyes are opening to the world beyond Lima, the world beyond Brittany and it scares her.

* * *

I was up incredibly early and despite my nighttime escapades, I was actually alert. My first temptation was to call Santana and ask her if she remembered that day in her bedroom.

I wanted to know if it was true that she could possibly be over Brittany but I knew that it would be fruitless. I couldn't insert myself between them anymore than I already had.

I needed to be the one that Santana ran to once Brittany finally fucked up enough for everyone to see her for the devious and petty, child that she is. It was only a matter of time before she pushed Santana past the point of no return, I saw evidence of that last night.

So I will bide my time. Let Santana come to me, eyes open and hands untied but in the mean time, I need to make sure that my house is together.

Number one on my list...Beth.

* * *

I am a woman of faith. I trust God more than I probably should given all of my stumbling but the bounce backs are what remind me of who I serve at the end of the day.

And so when I got out of my early morning shower and the sun was barely risen in the sky, I was beyond grateful that I was prepared for the phone call that would begin to unravel all the bitterness that I had built up from the moment that I handed Beth over to Shelby.

_"Hello?"_ I answered, putting the phone on speaker while I got dressed for my day.

_"Quinn? It's Vincent. Did I wake you?"_

_"Nope, I'm a bit of an early riser."_

_"Well that worked in my favor then."_

_" Aren't you supposed to be on your plane? It's almost seven."_

_"Something came up. I know this is a big thing to ask but I wouldn't ask if I didn't think you were game. I need to take a flight out to Spring to close out some things at my mother's house. I was wondering if you wouldn't mind flying with Beth this morning? There is a flight out of Indiana at ten that has seats available."_

_"That would fine, I just need to know where to go once we get there."_

_"My wife will meet you at the airport and take you gals shopping and to dinner. She's a hostess before anything else, so she'll love having some new blood around. Plus she and Beth get along great. How's that sound? Can I go ahead and change your ticket?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Great. Thanks so much. She's going to be incredibly excited that she gets to fly with you."_

_"I hope so." _

_"No worries. Shelby has apparently been telling her about you all her life. Do you know that she has a picture of you up in her room?"_

_"Um...no."_

_"Well she does. So don't you worry, that little girl loves you." _

_"Wow."_ I whispered, suddenly feeling breathless at the thought. I had started to convince myself that I had failed Beth, that I had quit on her before I even saw her perfect little face but it seemed that Shelby saw things differently. Thankfully.

* * *

I packed my purse with two coloring books and a box of crayons, as well as gum and two of my favorite Dr. Seuss books. I wanted to have as much fun with Beth as possible, I wanted to impress her.

After rechecking my bags twice more, I paced my bedroom endlessly before finally giving in and opening up Face Time, without even bothering to see what time it was in Japan.

The screen came up and I fixed my hair in it before the call connected, wanting to look my best but also because that's what I do when I'm love struck. I get weird.

_"Hey Q!"_ Santana said cheerfully, her lips stained red as she smirked.

_"Hey."_

_"How are you today?"_

_"Better. I had some water and an aspirin before bed and so I woke up alert and bright eyed."_

_"Ugh...I can never become a morning person like you. I still don't know how you do it."_

_"Me either, sometimes."_

_"So, are you excited for your trip?"_

_"Yea, plans changed a bit and I get to fly there with Beth. Just me and her."_

Her eyes got wide and she smiled, giving me a thumbs up. _"She's going to love it."_

_"How do you know?"_

_"Um, why wouldn't she. You said she was awesome didn't you?"_

_"I did."_

_"Well then it will be great. Stop psyching yourself out."_

* * *

_"I'm not."_

_"You ALWAYS do that, even in bed."_

_"What?"_ I stared at her in disbelief.

_"That night you kept asking me, over and over again if this was okay and was that thing okay. Like you needed my approval the whole time, it was very distracting."_

_"You survived and from what I can tell, would have come back for more if you had your way."_

_"Is that an offer?"_ She waggled her eyebrows and smiled huge.

_"You know it isn't. So how did the shoot go?"_

She rolled her eyes but went along with my change in subject. _"Weird. I was mostly naked. They said they would cover my tattoos so that my mom won't see them but who knows how long I can keep that up."_

_"How on Earth have you hidden that big cross on your back for this long?"_

_"Make-up and cover-ups."_

_"Yea, she has to know."_

_"If she does, she's never said anything."_

_"Hmm...I'm going to ask her."_

_"No! Don't you fucking dare!"_

_"Yup. I'm going to ask her if she knows about your...what...six tattoos?"_

_"Only if I get to ask Judy what she thinks of yours."_

_"What? I don't have a tattoo."_

_"Oh yea? I explicitly remember some Greek letters that you shaved a part of your head to get done..."_

_"What? How?"_ I asked, shocked...the tattoo was something done on initiation night and was supposed to be a secret between the sisters.

_"Let's just say that when I had my face against your neck...and yanked at your hair...and also when you were putting it down between my legs." _She smirked and I could feel my entire face fill with fire.

_"No way."_ I said, looking at her seriously.

_"Yep. Come on...prove me wrong, it's under the hair just above your left ear."_

It was subconscious, the way that my hand traveled to the spot where the small letters hid underneath my hair.

_"San-" _I started to say, but she cut me off.

_"Ha! I knew it! And you know what else...I asked Puck if he had seen them and he confirmed it!"_

_"You did what?"_

_"Oh come on, you didn't think that I would compare notes with Sam and Puck?"_

_"Wait with Sam too?"_

_"Well Trouty gave up the tapes without much pressure. I'm sure if I asked him about Britt..." _Pain flashed across her face but she cleared her throat and continued._ "Let's just say that Sam is definitely a guy who kisses and tells."_

_"Well I'm not, I don't appreciate him or Puck saying things and you either for that matter. That was a shitty thing to do."_

_"Oh don't be mad, Luce. I told them you were a great lay. That you were a fucking rock star in the sheets and how I never came so hard in my life. So don't you worry, I did nothing but trump you up, doll face."_

_"Are you patronizing me?"_

She put a hand to her chest and looked shocked.

_"Oh no, sugar tits, I meant every word. It was amazing and different. With B it's comfortable and familiar, you know, it's like a warm bubble bath after a long day. You...well, you are more like ice water in hell or better yet, water on Mars. Sex with you was both refreshing and surprising."_

I sat there staring at her face, how it lit up as she remembered our time together, how her honesty reflected in her eyes and I was breathless, holding onto my phone like a lifeline. She looked nervous and brought her hand up to cover her face. A sparkle of silver got my attention and I felt the cold realization rush over me.

I knew better than to let this continue go on. We were treading on dangerous ground.

* * *

_"San?"_

_"Did I go too far?" _She said and looked ready to change the subject.

_"A little but I let you. I'm gonna go. I'll let you know how things go in Laredo. Be safe out there in the world, okay?"_

_"Q? Wait...I..." _She was grasping for words, trying not to let things end like this but I didn't think I could handle anymore.

_"You make me crazy, Santana. We're okay. Keep working on things with Brittany, alright? I need to get my mom up so she can take me to the airport."_

_"Will you call me when you get there?"_

_"Maybe. I'll have Beth, so I might be busy but feel free to text me and I'll message you when I can."_

_"Okay. Have a safe flight."_

_"Take amazing pictures...send me some when you can."_

_"I will if you do?"_

_"Of Beth?"_

She hesitated but then nodded and then smiled softly._ "And of you. Bye Luce." _And before I could question her need for pictures of me, she ended the call.

_"Bye." _I whispered to the blank screen and then I did something totally off the wall but it needed to happen, sooner rather than later. I wanted to go to Laredo with a clear conscious and zero distractions, so I called Brittany.

* * *

_"Quinn?"_ Brittany said, perkier than I expected.

_"Hey, B, I saw that you called me in the middle of the night. Is everything alright?"_ I asked, feeling like I was lying to her by being so nonchalant but after yesterdays bomb dropping, I didn't care.

_"Um, I hope so. I got green yesterday, not like Hulk green but you know jealous. I don't like sharing Santana with anyone and especially not you. So I lied to get you to move on."_

_"You lied?"_ I asked.

_"About the pregnancy but it could be true because we're married and that's what married people do, well except for you because you and Puck weren't married when you had Beth."_

_"Okay..."_

_"I shouldn't have lied, it's not my thing, it's yours. I'm not as good at it as you."_

_"Excuse me?"_ I felt like she punched me but I kept my cool, happy that she couldn't see my face.

_"You cheat and lie to get what you want, it's what you have always done and in high school Santana wanted to be like you so bad and now she's headed that way. I can't lose her, Quinn, especially not to you."_

_"Despite the fact that it seems you want to trash me, which sure go for it, I can handle it, I just want you to realize who you married. Santana doesn't do well with people manipulating her. If you want to keep her, stop playing games. She's softer than she likes to admit and she's incredibly loyal to you. Maybe too much."_

_"I still won though. You said so yourself."_

_"Yea well, like you just said, I lie and cheat, so maybe you should watch your back."_

_"What's that supposed to mean?"_

_"It means that if you keep messing things up with Santana, she's going to leave you and I'll be here waiting and the part that sucks for you is, she knows that."_

_"Is that why you didn't come to the wedding, because you don't think we are forever?"_

_"My time is too valuable to waste on make believe. Be good to her Brittany, she deserves the world."_

_"I know and she has the world in me. We have each other but what do you have? Lies and loneliness?"_

_"You're right, B. I've cried myself to sleep over her and I always feel more alone when you're around but I'm okay with that for now. She's yours to have, to hold, and hopefully not destroy. Good luck."_

_"We don't need luck, we are lobsters."_

_"And I'm water on Mars." _

_"Huh?"_

_"Goodbye, Britt."_

* * *

It was like I was destined to torture myself, as if I wasn't about to embark on an amazing journey to being a mother again. Why did I do this to myself?

My heart was saying call Santana and warn her about Brittany, tell her what I had just said to her wife but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Brittany had lit a fire under me and not the one that she thinks either.

To her, this is now a war over who gets Santana's heart but after being compared to ice water in hell and water on Mars, I knew that the pedestal that Santana had me on didn't need my support to hold it up.

She had begged Brittany to be happy for her while she went off and pursued her dreams and now I was hoping that Santana would do the same thing for me.

In fact, I was counting on it.

Maybe I had purposely planted the seeds of doubt and anxiety in Brittany's mind on purpose, maybe I also had hoped they would flower while I worked on setting up my future.

And just maybe that was because I was holding onto Santana for dear life but I wouldn't admit it to anyone not even to myself.

* * *

The entire drive to the airport, I kept looking down at my phone while Mother chattered on and on about what we should do for Beth's birthday but I was only half listening.

Santana hadn't messaged me or called to tell me that Brittany had told her about our conversation and it had been over an hour.

So either Santana was too mad to talk to me or Brittany was actually going to keep our conversation to herself.

_"Quinn are you listening to me?"_

_"Yea. Listen, I may still be in Texas for her birthday, she's grieving. I don't want to overwhelm her with too much."_

_"It's more of distraction that I'm thinking of. You know like this conversation distracting me from asking you why you talked to Brittany that way this morning...especially after you were flirting with Santana just before."_

_"Wait...you heard all of that?"_

She shot me a stern look before looking back at the road.

_"You need to cut your contact to a minimum with both of them. I know you stopped going to church but I like to think that I taught you better than to be the OTHER woman. You hated your father for cheating on me...don't be like him, Quinn."_

_"Mother, this isn't the same."_

_"Is that what you've been telling yourself?"_

_"How did we even start this conversation, weren't we just talking balloons or something?"_

_"Quinn, sweetheart, I know you have strong feelings for Santana, I've always known, maybe before you even knew, but it's too late and you have something really big coming your way. Don't let this thing you have going with Brittany and Santana, get in your way. Everything from here on out needs to be about you and Beth."_

_"I know, Mother."_

_"You need to refocus all that energy into Beth and picking a Med. School program. Start planning your future."  
_

_"Okay, I get it."_

_"Do you?"_

_"YES. Can we drop it now?"_ I groaned, annoyed at her overattentive need to be my mom after all those years of being practically absent.

_"I hope so."_ She said before turning up the radio and bopping along to some teenybopper jam. I rolled my eyes and shoved my silent phone into my purse.

As annoying as she was, my mother was right. I needed stay firm in my decision to let things simmer on the back burner while I focused all my attention on Beth and Medical School.

Santana would come to me when she was ready, I just had to have a little faith.

* * *

**A/N...I free-write and then I post...errors are bound to happen...I'll be back for them later.  
**


	20. Chapter 20:All We Are

**All We Are (One Republic)**

* * *

_"So what do you want to do for your birthday? It's a big one, right, five years old."_

_"I want to meet my dad."_

Things had been going well, Vincent had met us at the airport, looking tired and sad but was still smiling for Beth's sake but I knew that once we were gone, he would probably allow himself to breakdown. I could see it in his eyes and didn't blame him.

We were four hours into a five hour flight, we napped, watched a movie, colored about six pages, ate snacks and were now just chatting...what I thought was casually but now, it was getting a little more serious.

_"What do you know about him?"_

_"Um, well, Mama always said that he's tall like me. Meemaw said that he flies airplanes."_

_"Well she's they are both right. He not only flies planes but he spends a lot of time jumping out of them."_

Her eyes got big, she put down the crayon that she had been doodling with and turned in her seat.

_"Whoa. Wait, if he is flying the plane, how is he jumping out of it too?" _She asked, as inquisitive as I would be.

_"Well when he jumps, it's to rescue people and so he is a jumper on those days. When he flies planes, that is usually just for drills. Just to show that he can. He likes to jump out of the planes more than flying them though."_

_"I do too." _She said, her smile getting bigger.

_"You want to jump out of a plane?"_

_"Yea, when I'm bigger. Don't you?"_

_"Oh no. I'd rather not. I've had enough excitement for a lifetime."_

_"Wuss."_ She said, grinning.

_"Excuse me?" _I said, pretending to be hurt._ "I am pretty tough."_

_"How?"_

_"I used to be able to back flip off the top of the jungle gym. I did a lot of dancing. Ballet and gymnastics mostly."_

_"No way! I want to do gymnastics! I was supposed to before..." _She said, a little too loud before shrugging her shoulders and biting her lip. I glanced around and no one was really paying us much attention. When I looked back at Beth she was looking at me just as interested as she was with Puck, her brief blip of sadness gone for the moment._ "Why used to?" _She asked.

It took me a second but I realized what she was trying to say.

_"You mean, why did I stop?"_

She nodded._ "Yea."_

_"I hurt my back really bad a few years ago, I even had to learn how to walk again. They didn't think I would be able to but I did. That takes a lot of toughness. Thank you very much, Ms. Beth."_

_"So because of that, you can't do the exciting stuff?"_

_"Well mostly but I think hanging with you is pretty exciting."_

She blushed and then turned back to her doodling without another word. I could see that she was smiling to herself but I could tell that she was thinking of Shelby and my heart ached for her.

* * *

The time had come for us to depart the plane, Beth had been a bit sad for the last part of the trip, and it was disheartening to know that there wasn't much I could do but be there for her.

_"Can I hold your hand?"_ She called up to me as I stood from my seat to get our carry-ons from the overhead.

_"Right now?"_ I asked, sticking out my tongue, hoping to turn that frown upside down.

_"No...when we get off the plane, can I hold your hand?"_

I pulled the bags down and then leaned over to her, quickly, not wanting to block the aisle once the door opened.

_"Beth, you can hold my hand or hug me anytime you want. I came here to say goodbye to your Meemaw but more than anything, I am here for you. Okay?"_

Her face brightened up and she nodded, her smile firmly in place. We were definitely making progress and the more time went on, the better I was I starting to feel about finally getting something that I had been wanting since I was sixteen.

The brightness of the Laredo airport with its blues and tans was a welcome difference than both the Ft. Wayne and Dayton airports which are so bland that it zaps the excitement out of your trip pretty quickly.

Beth's hand slipped into mine as we walked past baggage claim, each of us pulling a carry on.

_"So I need you to lead me if you can, Beth, I don't know what your aunt looks like."_

Like any kid Beth's age, being assigned a task to lead was a big deal. Beth's eyes brightened and she walked a step ahead of me and basically pulled me along as she looked up into the faces of various strangers until she found the one that was familiar.

The one that stood out in the crowd according to Vincent and my God, did she ever.

* * *

Seeing Beth run into her aunt's arms like she had just been waiting to be rid of me stung a little bit but I tried to take it on the chin. From what I could gather, Shelby died in April and Beth had immediately come from New York to live with Merna and that was where she had been for two only months, right up until the trip to Lima, so Beth hadn't seen her aunt in some time.

She had been shuffled around since Shelby died and a sense of stability is what she was needing. Her aunt and uncle symbolized that for her and there was nothing that I could do about it just yet.

I had to remember that as of now, despite the biological connection, Beth had lived her entire life so far, without me and while she was taking to me faster than anyone expected, I was still the stranger that gave birth to her.

This was just the first step to my new life, I would have been a fool to think that it would be easy.

* * *

Once Beth was in the car, a movie loaded for her to watch, with headphones included, I got to really meet Vincent's wife.

_"So, you are the birth mother."_ The wife said, as she strapped herself in the front seat and shot a look back at Beth, to make sure that she was situated.

_"That I am."_

_"If I didn't know any better, I'd think that you got yourself pregnant. She's your spitting image. It's a strange sight." She smiled at me, slipped on sunglasses and then pointed at the glove box. "There are extra sunglasses in there, you're going to need them, birth mom."_

_"How about, just Quinn."_ I said, trying my best not to be annoyed.

_"Right. Quinn." _She said, pronouncing it more like Queen, which I had no problem with._ "I'm Lydia, someone who is insanely protective over Bunny back there."_

_"I'm glad to hear that she's been in good hands." _

_"Excellent hands, I am a pediatrician after all."_

_"Wow. Did you go to med school here or in Mexico?"_ I asked, not sure if our banter was playful or not but I was used to the sarcasm, anyone who has had to deal with Santana Lopez on a daily basis had to be.

_"I'm from Venezuela and I graduated from Harvard, actually. Summa cum laude. That's where I met my husband. He tells me you just graduated from Yale in three years, pre-med? That's impressive."_

_"I know."_

She looked at me and then smiled, _"I like you."_ she said and then she let out a huge laugh._ "You've got spunk. I see where Bunny gets it from. That kids pulls no punches."_

* * *

Once we had gotten all tension out of the way, Lydia put on Spanish music and began to bop along happily as she drove.

I took that opportunity to turn my phone back on and it looked like something had gone down between Brittany and Santana because I had two phone calls from Santana and three texts from Brittany.

**_I hope they keep that lil girl away from u. U poison everything u touch!-Brittany_**

**_There was a time when Santana didn't second guess me. Y cn't u find sum1 who isn't married?-Brittany_**

**_I talked to Santana, she thinks that I'm lying about what u said to me. I hate U!-Brittany_**

* * *

Vincent hadn't been kidding when he said that Lydia is addicted to hosting people. From the airport, we went to lunch and then shopping. From there, we went back to the house and set up the little room that they've kept for Beth. After that, dinner and dessert.

By the time it was nine and Lydia was headed out the door for her shift at the hospital, I felt like I was going to fall over but before I could, I was on Mom duty for the first time by myself.

_"Quinn?"_ Beth called to me as I finished unpacking my suitcase. She was in her room unpacking her own.

I walked across the hall and saw her sitting in the middle of the bed, surrounded by a huge mound of clothes and shoes.

_"Hey, sunshine, what's wrong?" _

_"Mama usually did this for me...I don't know how to do this by myself."_ She looked up at me with glassy eyes and I knew that we were headed for a breakdown.

One that I would have normally been completely unprepared for but there is a difference when it's your own kid. It feels like a tug on your literal soul.

_"Would you like me to help you?"_ I asked, stepping up to the edge of the bed where the mound of clothes sat tall.

_"Please?"_ She whispered as she fiddled with a sock in front of her.

_"Okay. Great, so how about you show me where your stuff normally goes when you come to visit."_

She looked up at me for a really long moment, one that seemed to stretch for a million years.

_"Okay!"_ She said, shooting out of bed and heading across the room to the closet.

* * *

About halfway through organizing Beth's stuff in the designated places, I started to wonder if this was where she should be for the time being. Maybe snatching her from the only family she knows so quickly isn't such a good idea.

After a quick change into pjs we laid in her bed with two books between us.

_"These are my favorite books but I want to know more about you and my dad." _

_"Ask me anything."_ I said, rolling towards her, watching as she stared up at the stars that were stuck to the ceiling. Her eyes were bright as she began to hit me with all of things dancing through my mind.

_"Is he tall?"_

_"Yes."_

_"How tall? Taller than Uncle Vincent?"_

_"Yes."_

She looked at me and smiled._ "Mama always said that I am going to grow taller than her."_

_"Yea she was probably right. I'm taller than her too."_

_"You are?"_

_"Only by a little, so with me and your dad, well, you are bound to be taller than me and your Mama."_

_"Can girls be tall?"_

_"Definitely. I went to school with a girl, she was almost as tall as your dad."_

_"Was she pretty like you?"_

_"Almost."_

_"Show me?"_

_"Okay, hold on a second."_

I pushed up from the bed and shuffled across the hall, in search of my phone. God only knows why I thought to bring up Brittany but she was the first person that I could think of that semi matched Puck's height. Also, Santana existed on my mind at all times and it wasn't a far leap to start thinking about her wife as well.

When I picked up my phone, there were two more messages from Brittany and four missed calls from Santana. She must be pissed. I couldn't deal with her anger at the moment but I needed to respond to her.

_**Hey, hanging with Beth. Can I call you back after I put her to bed? IMU-Quinn**_

Her response was immediate.

_**Yo! I was about ten seconds from buying a plane ticket. Call me AS SOON as you put her to sleep. We need to talk.-S**_

_**Ok. Should I be concerned?-Quinn**_

_**Idk. Should you be?-S**_

_**I call you in a bit.-Quinn**_

_**I'll be waiting.-S**_

* * *

I sat on the edge of the bed staring at my phone for a little too long and like me, Beth is extremely impatient. She came into the room, a stuffed bunny in her hands as she began to tap her foot on the carpet.

_"Did you find it?"_ I looked up at her and tried to smile but she looked pissed as she raised her eyebrow. _"Well? Did you?"_

I quickly pulled up my old glee photo album and patted the bed beside me.

_"Here is everyone, including your dad."_

Her frown turned into a smile pretty quickly as she rushed to my side and leaned over my phone screen.

_"Is that her?"_ She asked, as I showed her a picture of the Unholy Trinity in full uniform. _"You two look the same size."_

I smirked because that had been my intention.

_"Its just the way I'm standing. Always in front and my shoulders scare. Brittany has the tendency to slouch her shoulders a bit. Trust me, I look up at her when we are side by side."_

_"Who's that other girl? She's pretty."_

I suppressed a sigh. _"That is Santana Lopez. My best friend in the whole world. Do you remember the woman who made us breakfast?"_

She nodded with a smile.

_"That was Santana's mommy."_

_"And where is my dad?"_

I brought up a pick of the whole glee club and there he was shoulder to shoulder with Brittany.

_"See."_

She began to giggle as she pointed at his head. _"He looks silly with that on his head!"_

_"Yea, I always thought so too."_

A message flashed across the screen.

_**I hope you're happy. :(-Brittany**_

Followed by another.

_**You're the worst person ever!-Brittany**_

And in that moment when I heard a mumble and looked down at Beth reading. READING those words about me.

She looked up at me with questions in her eyes and I began to panic.

_"Is she mad at you? Is that the same Brittany? Did you do something wrong?"_

How was I supposed to answer any of that? This was too serious. My mother was right. I shouldn't have involved myself between Santana and Brittany, only I couldn't see that before, not completely. And then I remembered the last fight between my parents when his mistress had cursed out my mother and she had screamed at him.

_"YOU CAN'T DATE A MARRIED PERSON, RUSSELL. NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY!"_

I felt like a fool.

_"I think I may have missed her birthday or something. I'll call her once you are in bed, it's late. So how about that story now."_ I asked, putting my phone face down on the bed and trying my best to smile after lying to my daughter.

This couldn't be how we started. Me lying to cover up my misdeeds. Things had to change permanently, even if I had to rip out my own heart to do it. For Beth, I would do anything. She came first.

I couldn't fail her...not again.

* * *

_**A/N: Okay...I couldn't write another word because the next chapter is shoving its way in front of my eyes...I need to write it so you chicas fill in the gaps and any errors...I'll be back for them...you know it.  
**_


	21. Chapter 21:On My Mind

**On My Mind (Ellie Goulding)**

* * *

It took five books before Beth finally gave in and fell asleep. She was incredibly persistent in her questioning, she wanted to know more about that text from Brittany every time a story ended.

It sucked that she obviously knew that I had been lying. I was feeling pretty crappy about it and I just wanted to forget about it but there was no way that I could get out of calling Santana back. I'm sure she was thinking that I was stalling and while I probably would have been, Beth did a good enough job all on her own.

An hour had passed since my last text from Brittany and almost two since I had told Santana that I would call and so when I picked up my phone again, I expected some sort of message from her telling me off but there was nothing but a few dozen sad faces from Brittany.

It seemed that Santana was taking me at my word and wasn't going to interrupt me again because she knew how important my time with Beth was. I just wish she had shared that courtesy with Brittany, who had created an unnecessary situation between me and my daughter.

From what I could tell, she knew exactly where I was and so any messages she was sending were probably purposeful because Brittany never does things for no reason.

She ALWAYS has a reason.

She's immature but she isn't as STUPID as she likes to pretend. I needed to nip this in the bud. Right now, even if I was crabby and starting to have back pain. I started out as the leader of this trinity and I needed to act like it.

Enough was enough.

* * *

I knew that Santana would never go for what I wanted to do and so I called Brittany first. She answered on the first ring and from what I can tell, she was sobbing.

_"Hold on, I'm going to conference in Santana. I can't continue like this and I'm pretty sure that you can't either."_ I said to Brittany and she just responded with a broken sob and what sounded like agreement.

I dialed Santana and she took a few rings to answer.

_"Quinn? Are you kidding...I don't want to three-way with you. Not like this."_ She sounded pissed and yet still slipped in an innuendo.

_"Wait, are you home?"_

_"Yes. Britt locked herself in the bedroom about an hour ago."_

_"Well unless you can get her to come out of there, we are having this call."_

_"Fine."_ I waited as she pounded on her bedroom door. _"Britt, open the door. Come on babe, let's settle this."_

_"There's nothing to settle! We are MARRIED!"_ She yelled and I sat there like an idiot and listened.

_"Damnit!"_ Santana said, punching again, this time hissing as her hand made impact. _"Shit. Connect the call, Q."_

And so I did.

* * *

_"Brittany. I just want you to know that I'm backing off. You're right. You and Santana are married. You love each other."_ Santana scoffed and I rolled my eyes. _"You do, even if right now you are second guessing things. Either way, I cannot be IN this. Beth comes first for me and I am fucking distracted! I should be enjoying this time with HER and instead I'm mediating the shit between you guys."_

_"That you created!"_ Brittany spat bitterly.

_"B, I told you, it wasn't just Quinn."_ Santana cut in.

_"It doesn't matter who started it, created it, what does matter is that there is obviously a lack of something in your relationship for Santana to come to me, Brittany. Maybe you two should figure that out."_

_"I'm trying but she's stuck on you!"_

_"Hello! I'm right here. I am NOT stuck on her."_

Me and Brittany both scoffed this time and then Brittany groaned._ "You are! Why did you even ask me to marry you? You are not the Santana that I fell in love with, I don't know who you are!"_

_"B...please just open the door so we can talk."_

_"No! I don't want to see your face!"_ And then there was the sound of breaking glass and Brittany grunting followed by more glass breaking.

_"Um...should I go?"_

_"B, what are you doing in there?"_

_"Smashing your ungrateful, cheating face! Ow!"_ She squealed as more glass crunched.

_"San, you need to deal with this. I'm going to go. Brittany stop breaking things, you don't want stitches again do you?"_

_"Don't be nice to me! Not while she can hear it! Where was this Quinn earlier?"_

_"I don't know, where was the Brittany that wouldn't lie to ME of all people about a fake pregnancy?"_

_"I apologized! You've been messing with my marriage! I think you should be apologizing to me!"_

_"I tried. We haven't done anything since you got married."_

_"You kissed! That's cheating!"_ She shrieked and then hissed again._ "Ow!"_

_"Brittany!"_ Santana yelled and then I heard a loud bang. _"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! BRITTANY STOP!"_ She screamed.

_"Why should I?"_ She whispered and then whimpered._ "Ow."_ and then the line cut out.

* * *

_"Hello? Seriously?"_ I looked at the screen and saw that the call ended, whether Santana hung up on me or the call cut out, I wasn't sure. I figured if one of them hung up, I should still be connected but somehow but I was completely cut out of it.

It should have given me some measure of relief but deep down, I did still care about what happened to Brittany and from the sounds of it, she wasn't in a good place. I called back Brittany and got her voicemail and then a second later, I got Santana's.

My chest started tightening up and breathing became harder. I was gasping for air as I called them over and over again with no answer. I sat in the dark, hot tears now cutting down my cheeks as the panic attack took hold.

I felt sick and guilty. Why didn't I just call Santana like I had promised? Why did I have to make Brittany more upset?

What was wrong with me?

_"Quinn, Quinn?"_ A small voice called out to me in the darkness. The nightlight from the hallway drew a line across the floor as Beth slipped into the room._ "Are you crying?"_

I hiccuped and wiped at my face but it was too late. I was hysterical as I continued sobbing in front of my daughter. I was supposed to be strong for her but I was weak.

_"I'm sorry, baby."_ I whispered, feeling like a complete failure. Fucking Santana, I just wanted to be free of her and the feelings that I had for her. I didn't NEED this right now.

Soft hands reached for my face, wiping at the tears that continued to come from my eyes.

_"It's okay to cry, Quinn. We all get sad."_ She whispered and then she threw herself on me, wrapping her little arms around my stomach and hugging me tight._ "I'm here, okay. You can cry, I won't tell anybody."_

It shouldn't be this way, I was supposed to be comforting Beth and helping her over through a really rough patch but instead, she was holding me. More tears came and her hug got tighter.

_"I'm sorry."_ I said through my sobs, apologizing to Brittany for causing a rift, apologizing for Santana for loving her way too late, and apologizing to Beth for making any tears about my own problems instead of hers.

What a terrible mother I was turning out to be!

* * *

We ended up falling asleep, wrapped up so tight around each other that any movement from one of us would have awakened the other. I woke up first and took the opportunity to stare into the face of my perfect little girl. She was breathtaking and it hurt so badly to know just how much of a screw up I was, to her and myself.

I had a serious decision to make and I felt like a failure just thinking it. This was one of those moments when I really needed to talk to Santana and because of Brittany, _her wife_, I wasn't allowed to. This was all so utterly asinine.

There was a soft knock at the door and then a beat later, Lydia's head popped through the opening.

_"Hey, I just got home. I brought coffee, it's in the kitchen. Did she have a bad night?"_ She whispered.

_"No."_ I mouthed back, giving a slight shake to my head.

_"Oh good. I'm going to take a nap. I left my car keys on the counter if you want to take her to breakfast, there's a little dinner about a mile out of the driveway to the left. She loves the waffles there."_

I gave a slight nod and smiled. She smiled back and then shut the door again.

_"Is she gone?"_ A small voice said, my eyes snapped down to Beth but her eyes were still closed.

_"How long were you awake?"_

_"A long time. I know you were staring. I could feel it."_

_"Sorry."_

_"Mama used to do it all the time, she said it made her happy. I thought it would make you happy too."_ She said, peaking an eye open to look at me before she closed it again. _"Did it work?"_

_"Yes. So, do you want waffles?"_

_"Soon. I'm not ready to get up."_

_"Me either."_

_"Good. I'm going to pretend to sleep a little bit longer."_

* * *

My smile was so big that it hurt my face as I watched her gobble down her giant Belgian waffle.

_"You're staring. Your food is gonna get cold."_ Beth mumbled, her waffle showing itself to me in her mouth.

_"Gross. Don't talk with your mouth full. You could choke."_

That got me an eye roll as she closed her mouth and finished chewing. I could tell she wanted to say something and I could only imagine what it was. Beth was a little spitfire. She reminded me of Santana, Puck, and Rachel Berry all wrapped up in one little person.

_"Is there a book of things that girl adults say to kids?"_ She asked, after dramatically swallowing. She drank her orange juice as she waited for a response.

_"No. Why?"_

She let out a big sigh and then picked up another piece of waffle on her fork but didn't put it in her mouth just yet.

_"Because Mama, Meemaw and Titi Lydia always say the same thing and Uncle Vincent doesn't care. I bet my dad wouldn't care either."_ She shoved the waffle in her mouth and began chewing animatedly but kept her mouth closed, thankfully.

_"That's because sometimes boys are dumb. You'll see, sometimes they don't shower and put their stinky feet up on the couch when they are told not to and they always insist on being somewhere that they weren't invited. You know your dad was always doing that when we were in school. Always sticking his nose in places that they didn't belong."_

She smiled, just like she always seemed to do when I mentioned Puck so I thought, why not try to call him even if all of my previous efforts had not worked out so well.

* * *

I pulled my phone out of my pocket, even though I had promised myself that I would not have it on while I had breakfast with Beth but this was different.

There was a missed call and voicemail from Santana which gave me pause but this was not the time, frankly, I wasn't sure if it ever would be.

I pressed down on Puck's name and then put it to my ear.

Normally it went directly to voicemail but it was actually ringing and then just when I thought the call would drop off a groggy voice answered.

_"Yea?"_

_"Noah?"_

_"Shit, Quinn. I was going to call you today. How's Texas?"_

_"Wait, how do you know that I'm in Texas? Are you home?"_

_"Mom called me, she updates me on everything. I'm back in the states for a while. Broke my leg, stupid parachute opened late but I'm okay. How's Beth?"_

I looked over at Beth and could see that she had put down her fork and was watching me with big eyes.

_"That's good to hear. She's great, she's sitting across from me, waiting for me to stop talking and give her the phone."_

_"You bet I am!"_ She yelled a little too loudly. People were staring but I just smiled at them and waved them off. They returned to their breakfasts and I shot a glare at Beth. _"Sorry."_ She said and then smiled huge.

_"Put her on the phone."_ Puck said, sounding more alert than before.

_"Be nice."_ I said and he laughed.

_"Of course."_

_"I wasn't talking to you, Noah."_

Beth scowled and I stuck my tongue out at her before surrendering my phone to her sticky hands.

* * *

I had paid our bill for breakfast, gotten Beth strapped into the car and was just about back to the house when Beth finally stopped giggling into the phone.

_"He said to call him when you stop driving."_ Beth as she clutched the phone in her hands. _"He's funny."_

_"Yea? You liked him?"_

_"Yup! He said that he would see me on my birthday next week."_

_"Did he?"_

_"Yes! You will be here too, right? Titi Lydia and Mama always throw my birthday parties together. Last year, we were divas and got our nails done. I don't know what it will be this year."_ Some of the laughter left her voice as the realization of a birthday without Shelby hit her.

_"You know what, Beth."_ I said as I pulled to a stop in the driveway. _"This year, I will plan it with Titi Lydia and if you want, I can invite whoever you want like my mom and Puck's mom."_

She perked up with a smile.

_"And like Brittany and Santana?"_

The bottom of my stomach fell out but I couldn't say no to her and I was hoping that they wouldn't either.

_"Definitely, baby. I'll invite them too."_

* * *

_**A/N: I want you chicas to remember that you love me. Remember how much I mean to you...and um...don't forget it.** **Review and tell me what you thought...and what you think is coming...I'm ever so curious.**_

_**TTFN (ta ta for now) **_

_**A**_


	22. Chapter 22:Hold On

_**A/N: I hate trigger messages...that being said...there's some shit in here. It pushes the story forward. This is the warning. Don't bitch at me later if you decide to read something that you can't handle.**_

* * *

**Hold On (Dashboard Confessional)**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

I'm not even sure what Quinn's intention's were supposed to be with this stupid phone call but making things worse, I'm sure, wasn't one of them. I could hear Britt tearing the room apart and I wanted badly to be in there to minimize the damage. Nothing good could come of her in there with MY stuff. She had two unpacked suitcases and was wearing my clothes until she moved into her dorms and so I knew that any havoc she caused would be to things that only meant something to me.

My head was killing me with the time change between Tokyo and New York but I hadn't had any time to rest. She had called me crying and threatened to kill herself, so I flew from Japan to New York as fast as I could. I was supposed to be in Milan tomorrow but I had told them that my wife came first and so here I was but within twenty minutes of me being home, she locked herself in the bedroom. What was I supposed to do? She summoned me only to be shut out like this and then Quinn with her fucking terrible timing decided to call us both. There was no way I was going to make my flight to Milan now. Especially not with my suitcase in the room with Brittany.

_"B, what are you doing in there?" _I knew I was whining but I was hoping that it would help her to take some pity on me and let me in._  
_

_"Smashing your ungrateful, cheating face!" _She snapped bitterly as she slammed one of my many picture frames against the wall. The shattering was soon followed by her hissing and then shrieking._ "Ow!" _

My one track mind was focused now on figuring out a way to get into that room, regardless of Quinn being on the phone. The door was solid and had a hook latch on the other side which I never used and I was certain that Britt had, I rammed my shoulder against it and it didn't budge but the pain was enough to stop me from trying again.

I was praying that Britt would come to her senses but Quinn wasn't helping matters.

* * *

_"San, you need to deal with this. I'm going to go. Brittany stop breaking things, you don't want stitches again do you?"_

_"Don't be nice to me! Not while she can hear you! Where was this Quinn earlier?"  
_

_"I don't know, where was the Brittany that wouldn't lie to ME of all people about a fake pregnancy?"  
_

_"I apologized!" _There was more breaking glass, more whimpers and then more glass breaking. Brittany was on edge and I was close to losing it myself. _"You've been messing with my marriage! I think you should be apologizing to me!"_

_"I tried. We haven't done anything since we got married." _I cut in to try and minimize the anger that was rising between the two women that I loved more than anything.

_"You kissed! That's cheating!"_ She shrieked, I heard the movement of the bed and dread filled me. There was only one thing she could be doing and I couldn't let that happen. I would not be a widow._ "Ow!" _She screeched and I grabbed the first, heaviest thing that I could find and prayed that she wasn't by the door._  
_

_"Brittany?!"_ I called to her and she whimpered, she sounded far enough away from the door as the bed screeched more, I slammed the marble unicorn that her mom had given us as a wedding gift, against the door jamb and the door banged open.

The moment that I saw her my heart stopped.

She stood there, her feet bloody and her hands shaking as she looked into my gun case. _"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"_ I yelled at her and she looked at me with glassy eyes and reached for the gun._ "BRITTANY STOP!"_ I screamed as she put the gun against her temple. It had been ages since I had gone to the shooting range and was totally unsure if I had emptied it.

She held her phone against her ear and I vaguely was aware that Quinn had no idea just what had come from this fucking phone call but I didn't have time to worry about that.

_"Why should I?"_ She whispered and then whimpered as she shifted her feet, momentarily distracted._ "Ow."_ I threw my phone down, knowing that this distraction could only last too long and so I lunged for her. She stared up at me in shock but didn't move as I ripped her phone from her hand, throwing it out of the way and snatching the gun from her all at once.

* * *

I checked to make sure the safety was on before putting the gun back in the carrier case and making a mental note to change the lock code on it and take it out of the apartment as soon as possible. Papa had bought me the gun and insisted I get my license right after I started to receive death threats when I was outed.

Of course, I never thought that I'd use it and I sure as hell never thought that I would have to hide it from Brittany of all people.

_"I don't understand why you would do that. Is our marriage that terrible?"_ I asked her and she just shrugged. _"That gun has been locked up safe in Lima ever since I got it and I only brought it here because I wanted to keep us safe. I didn't think that you would ever sink so low as to put the thing to your head. What if it had gone off?!" _

I knew that I was crying and I didn't care, I had seen my entire relationship flash before my eyes and imagined the light leaving her eyes and it made me so angry. I was enraged and hurt but the blame was on me. I had done this by going up to New Haven last month and then stupidly telling her to truth about my teeth. It was obvious that I was fighting Biff for Quinn's honor and the fact that I kissed her made things worse. _  
_

_"I'm a work in progress."_ She said, her voice emotionless. I wanted to scream at her but seeing her just stand there and watching me freak out, a small smile playing on her lips at her own humor, as if she didn't just attempt to blow her head off told me just how she felt about my frustration and tears.

She didn't give a shit.

This had all gone too far.

I looked up into her eyes, deep pools of blue that used to set my skin on fire and make me wet, now mirrored so much pain, sadness, and an indescribable cold.

_"I'm serious, B. What if I didn't get it from you in time?"_

_"If it went off, you would be free to go after Quinn. I don't see why you are so upset."_ She said, shifting her weight from one foot to the other as she shrugged._ "This isn't a marriage, Santana. At least not the one that I wanted. My parents have been together forever and they are so happy. Not like us at all, they are honest and loyal, they LOVE each other like we used to."_

I couldn't even look at her, the guilt weighing so heavy on me. I had been so sure that marrying Brittany was the THING that would set me apart from my parents and with Abuela's acceptance of it, I just about got God's blessing. Things had been perfect and I screwed it up. Fuck, we hadn't even been married a full 60 days and look at us.

_"I love you, Brittany. More than I have ever loved anyone. I want to fix this. Tell me what to do, please?"_ I could feel the tears coming but I did my best to hold them back as I looked up at her wanting to see the girl that I fell in love with.

_"You don't really want to fix this."_

_"I do. Just tell me what it is that will stop you from being in so much pain. I love you, Brittany. I wouldn't have married you if I didn't love you."_

_"But you did. You chose ME, you married ME, I didn't force you. You could have been with her and I would have been happy for you but that's not what you did."_

_"I know."_

* * *

If my mother had been there, she would have told me that this fight was inevitable and that I needed to work this out right away instead of itching to get away from my wife.

When I told Mami that Brittany wanted to get the wedding out of the way before she went back to school. I got this huge speech about how the girls that we were when we fell in love in high school were not the women that we are now. She had urged me to have a long engagement but I wanted to get married right away to make Brittany happy.

But that's not how things were turning out.

This can't be life. This can't be love.

How could I have been so naive?

* * *

She wouldn't let me touch her as she hissed through the alcohol she dabbed on her cuts. Her hands still shook and I felt so helpless.

I was trying to clean the room and resist the urge to pack my suitcase right away. My flight was supposed to leave in three hours but I was pretty sure that if I left without fixing this, I wouldn't have anything to come home to.

_"You should just go ahead and pack."_ She mumbled as she put bandages on her feet. _"I know that you need to go. It's not like I'm going far. Mercedes and Kurt will make sure I'm okay. I don't need you."_

_"I can't leave shit like this, B. You just tried to kill yourself for Christ's sake!"_

_"I wasn't going to kill myself. I just..."_ She trailed off and stared at all the glass that I had swept into a pile near the door and then looked up at me. I stood there open mouth, ready to argue her down about how very real that gun to her head look but her eyes were full of tears and so I stopped myself. Tears tracked down her cheeks and she shrugged, looking up at me desperately_ "I needed to know that you still cared about me."_

_"Are you fucking kidding me right now?"_ Maybe I should have been sensitive but I just couldn't believe her.

This was not the woman I married. Then again, I was quite sure that I was the woman that she married either.

_"Whoa. That's not how you need to talk to me." _She slowly stood to her feet and came closer to me but I was wound way too tightly to be around her and I knew it. _"We are going to fix this, we always do but yelling at me isn't helping anything."_

I hadn't felt the need to take my rage out on Brittany in a long time and the feelings in me right then were scaring me. I clenched my fists and looked at her, hovering closer to me with that fucking smile on her face.

_"Why don't you just tell me what I can do to fix things and stop fucking with me...please?" _I knew that my teeth were gritted but I tried not to growl too much. Brittany though, wasn't going to let me get away with it. She reached out her index finger and tipped my chin up so that I was forced to look in her eyes, instead of at her chin like I had been doing.

_"You know what I need."_

_"No I don't because you haven't told me." _I knew, of course I knew that this would come back to Quinn but I needed to hear her say the words.

_"My mom always says to never make a person chose between two people. She's just Quinn, though. Snobby, cold, sad Quinn who has to have it all. She isn't me. How many time do I have to tell you that nobody can have what we have. Nobody can give you what I can give you. Nobody can do for you what I can do for you. That's why you married ME. I'm your everything and you are mine. I don't have to tell you that you need to stop seeing her because you already know that. You've known it from the beginning."_

_"Britt..." _

She dropped her hand and looked at me, resigned to say the words that it was hard for her to say, even if she was angry and jealous. It hurt her to let people that she loved go, even if they hurt her.

_"Don't make me say it. Just do it. Please?"_

_"OR WHAT?" _I wanted to say but I didn't. I just looked at her, my chin still tipped even though she wasn't holding it there any longer._ "She's my best friend. She's your best friend."_

Brittany's eyes went wide with fury and she looked long and hard at me before brushing her fingers through her hair.

_"Just tell me what it is...what does she have that you need from me? Does she eat you out a certain way? Does she stare at you with that Queen Bitch glare and get your panties soaked? What is it?"_

_"Nothing."_

_"Nothing?" _She asked, a smug look on her face.

_"She has nothing on you, B."_

_"So it won't be a problem to let her go then?"_

I fought back the tears, my face hurt so badly from trying not to release my emotions. I needed to stay neutral.

_"No."_

* * *

Since I first saw her, Brittany Pierce has had a hold on me and maybe Quinn has too but never, since I've known Quinn has she fought for me this hard. Never has anyone fought for me as hard as Britt has. After years of being rejected by my grandmother, my father to an extent, and later people at school that tormented me, Quinn included...its always been Brittany that's put me back together._  
_

So what, if she released our sex tape and acted like it was no big deal.

So what, if she went behind my back and visited my Abuela.

So what, if she just about forced me to admit my feelings for her before shutting me down.

So what, if she went running to Sam the first chance she got without even calling me.

So what, if she thought the world was ending and chose sex with Trouty instead of calling me.

I'm aware of the things that Brittany has done to manipulate situations and I love her despite it all because I believe that end of the day she does it all for me because she loves me. Right?

* * *

**_A/N: Sooo...yea...that happened. More tomorrow? Maybe...You know the drill...I'll deal with errors on my own time...not yours.  
_**


	23. Chapter 23:Happy With You

_**A/N: Hello friends and non friends alike. I gave you the last chapter for insight. I needed you to see how what comes next even came to be. I've been called bitchy...I've got not problem with that. Kind of a filler...  
**_

* * *

**Happy With You (Samantha Cole)**

* * *

I could feel it simmering, years of dealing with Russell and Judy's silent war, taught me a thing or two about how to get out ahead of a big blow up. For days, since Vincent's return from Spring, things had been eerily quiet in the house.

Lydia seemed to withdraw and Vincent, who had been incredibly attentive to Beth and to me in Lima, was suddenly taking meetings and planning a memorial at any when he wasn't at his office across town.

Meanwhile, Lydia, between shifts at the hospital and her intense need to bake at all hours of day or night, had thrown herself into planning an all out birthday bash for Beth at an amusement park, she'd rented a gazebo and got us passes to ride all the rides. No detail had gone overlooked, she had even picked a place that was in walking distance of hotels for any out of town guests.

My only job was to keep Beth occupied and bring her to the park that day, also, it was my job to pick up Noah at the airport for a family meet and greet with the oh so happy couple and Beth.

Noah was supposed to get in at noon but with Lydia and Vincent both at home for the weekend, both committed to being available for Beth on her birthday weekend, it seemed that the blowup was coming at any moment.

It was the day before her birthday and she was about to get her wish, to meet Noah, and I wasn't going to let anyone get in the way of that.

* * *

My alarm went off long after I was showered and dressed for the beginning of a very long weekend. Beth bounded into my room, dressed for the day and smiling from ear to ear.

_"Good morning, Mama Quinn."_ Beth said, teasing me but it still had my heart leaping for joy, she was getting closer to calling me something other than my name and it gave me hope.

_"Good morning, Sunshine. Happy Birthday eve!"_

Her smile got impossibly bigger and she opened her mouth to say something when there was a loud crash downstairs and then the muffled yelling of Spanish and a Vincent's deep baritone. It pained me to see Beth's smile falter.

It was all too reminiscent of my feelings of helplessness when my parents seemed about ready to kill each other. No child should have to carry the burden for the adults in their lives. It's just not fair, its just not right.

* * *

Both dressed and ready to avoid the chaos that continued to go on in the kitchen, I scribbled a note for them and left it on the dining room table before grabbing the first keys I could find and taking Beth out of that situation.

We would have been leaving in a few hours anyway, why not leave a bit earlier. I strapped Beth into the booster seat and put on my biggest smile, just for her.

She still looked incredibly concerned and could only manage a small grimace that I think she meant to be something more but I wouldn't push.

_"Do you want waffles?"_ I asked as I backed out of the driveway and was met with silence.

I looked back in the rear-view and could see that she was biting into her palm and tears were streaking down her cheeks. I couldn't contain myself after that, I pulled back into the driveway and pressed on the horn of the car, hoping that one or both of them would come out and I was not disappointed.

Vincent came storming out the house a few moments later, followed by Lydia who looked like she wanted to continue the argument on the front lawn. I turned put down my window and could see the concern that was replacing the anger on Vincent's face.

_"What's wrong?"_ He asked as he got closer. I pointed to the backseat.

_"She's upset and I figured you would want to know why."_

He shot me a glare but then leaned into the backseat.

_"Hey, Bunny. Is everything alright? Are you feeling okay?"_

She shook her head and turned her face from him.

_"I don't want to talk to you." _She said, her arms crossed over her chest as she kept her face turned. I could see the tears were still coming and it was breaking my heart.

Lydia finally reached the car and moved to the other side, towards where Beth was looking and leaned in.

_"Bunny? Did our fighting scare you?" _She asked, getting to the heart of things pretty quickly.

Beth nodded and hugged herself tighter.

_"Jody's parents got a divorce and she had to go to therapy. I don't wanna go to therapy!"_ She whined.

* * *

Although I wanted to laugh at the ridiculous idea of Beth being afraid of therapy at 4 years old, because who wouldn't, I remained calm as Lydia and Vincent talked Beth through her subsequent tantrum. Through it all I just sat there, looking down at my phone and begging it to ring.

I had sent Santana a message a few days ago about coming down for the party tomorrow but I had yet to hear back from her, it had me worried enough to check social media but her Twitter had been radio silent while Brittany kept posting about saving the wild elephants and how excited she is for Julliard. No mentions of Santana or the fight they had.

On a whim, I decided to exit the car and give the three of them more space while I called Brittany, hoping to get some kind of response since her wife wanted to ignore me.

She answered immediately.

_"Yes?"_ She said, her breath a little ragged.

_"Hi, Britt, it's Quinn."_

_"I know. Did you need something?"_

_"Um, I messaged you and Santana earlier this week about possibly coming down for Beth's birthday. Did you get it?"_

_"Yup."_ She said, her breaths slowing down.

_"Are you going to make it? She wanted to meet you specifically for some reason."_

_"You mentioned that. Well you can tell little Beth that I will be there. My flight gets in tomorrow morning, so I'll probably head straight to the party."_

_"Oh that's great! She'll be excited."_

And before I could ask, she offered the information that I didn't even know I needed to hear.

_"San isn't going, she's in Italy on a shoot."_

_"Oh."_

_"That's fine."_ I said quickly, hoping to not seem too disappointed. _"I'm excited to spend some time with you."_

_"Yea."_ She responded, not even hiding her sarcasm. _"It's going to be a fun." _She said quietly, it sounded a little too close to a threat but I just chalked that up to paranoia. What could Brittany possible do to me?

* * *

Crisis averted, the four of us ended up having breakfast together at the diner at Beth's request. Lydia sat on my side of the booth and Vincent sat with Beth and they both did their best to be happy for her and as far as I could tell, they had convinced her that the fight had been a one time thing.

I didn't believe them for a second but I wasn't going to make anything worse.

_"So, are you excited to meet Noah?"_ I asked Beth as we made our way back to the car, her hand firmly in mine.

_"Yes! Do you think he'll like me?"_ She asked, her serious face back in place.

_"He's loved you since you were in my belly and that hasn't changed."_

_"You loved me too, right?"_

_"Definitely, more than anything."_

_"And you still do?"_ She asked, her interrogation becoming more direct.

_"I'll never stop loving you, ever, ever!"_ I said, smiling down at her, excited to see the smile returned.

_"Good because I think I love you too."_

I caught Vincent and Lydia shooting each other looks and it was good to see that it was positive.

* * *

By the time noon came around, Beth seemed to completely forget the troubles of the morning and I was able to leave Vincent and Lydia to their bickering at home, hopefully with them more aware of how it affected Beth.

I wasn't going to be their marriage counselor but I damn sure wasn't going to let them screw her up.

Beth jumped up and down next to me as the one and only Noah Puckerman made his way from baggage claim, his cast encased foot in a walking boot that went all the way up to his knee. It looked like it would be incredibly uncomfortable but he strutted with that thing as if it was weightless and in style.

I knew that feeling, knowing that Beth was in sight. Nothing can get to you in that moment.

She has the ability to make the world rest and happiness seem like the only option.

_"Wow, he's tall."_ She said, as he got closer to us.

_"Yea he is."_ I said, catching his eye. He looked at me with so much warmth and happiness. In that moment, I let go of a breath that I had been holding, relieved that we were okay after I basically denied his proposal...again.

When he was finally in front of us, he couldn't take his eyes off of Beth.

_"Hey there, Princess."_ He said, smiling down at her with a look of awe.

_"Yo! You seriously left me?"_ Someone called from behind him. He turned and smirked as his brother came over to us, lugging a bag over each shoulder.

_"You shouldn't have fallen asleep. Figured you'd enjoy the flight attendant waking you up!"_

Jake rolled his eyes and stuck his hand out to me.

_"Hi, Quinn, it's good to see you again. I hope you don't mind me tagging along. I didn't want to pass up the chance to see my niece for her birthday."_

_"The more the merrier."_ I said, not sure how else I was supposed to respond. It was his brother after all. It was good for Vincent and Lydia to see that Beth would still have a good support network around her.

* * *

On the to their hotel, which was across from the amusement park, Puck sat in the back with Beth and they continued their long conversation from the other day, completely ignoring me and Jake in the front seat.

_"So, congratulations on Yale."_ Jake said, distracting me from periodically glancing in the back.

_"Thanks. How about you? College?"_

_"Yep! Not all of us Puckerman's can be military men. I'm headed to the University of the Arts in August." _

_"What? you aren't going to follow the glee masses to New York City? The land where dreams come true?"_

He scoffed and shook his head.

_"You didn't and look at you!"_ He said, as he took in the landscape.

_"True."_

_"Philly's a great city."_

_"I've never been, although, I did get accepted to the med school at U Penn. I applied to all of the Ivys but I haven't actually been to any of them."  
_

_"Well you should!"_ Puck responded from the back seat. Apparently he was now gifted with the ability to have two conversations at once._ "It would be cool if you decided on Philly, looks like I'm going to be stationed in Delaware and so that would be pretty close."_

_"I'll take that into consideration."_ I said to him before turning back to Jake._ "I really do appreciate you coming out here. It means alot."_

_"Family sticks together and as far as I'm concerned, you are as much my family as she is so if you ever need anything, especially when you can't get to him." He pointed his thumb backwards. "Don't hesitate to let me know. My mom raised me all by herself and the help aunts and uncles gave to her got us through some rough times."_

_"Thank you."_

* * *

We spent the rest of the day, is relative peace, even the family dinner turned out to be calm and uneventful.

I should have seen it as the calm before the storm but sometimes I can be ridiculously optimistic.

Especially when it comes to my expectations of the people I've come to know and trust.

That night, I went to bed with Beth in my arms, knowing that for the first time since her birth, I would spend her entire birthday with her.

The peace and assurance in that alone, was enough to shield my eyes from any trouble brewing.

I was happy. It was pure and unadulterated joy that came from being able to love Beth and have her love me back.

And just as well as trouble don't last always, neither does my joy.

But like I said, I can be ridiculously optimistic.

* * *

_**A/N: Errors later.**_


	24. Chapter 24:Clown

_** A/N: In all seriousness, anxiety is a real thing and so yea...mild violence...dubcon. Know that, even if I think triggers aren't encouraging healing...I want you guys to be safe. So happy reading and proceed with caution. You'll feel it before it happens.  
**_

_**Onward and Forward! **_

* * *

**Clown (Emeli Sande)**

* * *

We got to the park at around 11 in the morning, Beth was on Jake's shoulders talking animatedly about what rides she wanted to get on first and how she hoped that her new Papa would get on them with her. Its not often that you see Noah blush but it was definitely a welcome sight to see him smiling with zero stress.

The plan was to meet up at the gazebo and greet our guests and then we were going to break up in teams, so that Beth got to spend a little bit of time with everyone. I had the first shift and then Vincent and Lydia, then some aunt I have never heard of and then my mother and finally Noah. Beth had insisted on saving him for last.

We had just barely made it to the gazebo when Beth started squealing.

_"Mama Q, that one. Look the line is short! Come on!"_ She tapped Jake on the head and he let her down onto the ground. She took off the moment that he released her and I glared at him.

Noah punched his arm and I felt slightly satisfied. I ran off behind my excitable daughter. What she wants, she gets, especially today.

* * *

I didn't anticipate the jerking rides and the hell they would reek on my back, so when I handed Beth off to Vincent and Lydia, the first thing I did was seek out a shady bench to sit on. I had yet to see anyone I knew and so it was great that I could do that while sitting.

From the looks of it though, there was nobody to see, it was still early enough for the lines not to be long and so they were all off having fun, it was just me and the aunt that I had never met. She looked like she was about ninety and asleep, if Beth wore me out, I knew that this woman wouldn't last very long with Beth wanting to get on rides two and three times.

_"Hey Q!"_ I turned way too fast and felt a twinge in my back when I turned around to see Brittany coming my way with a huge box wrapped in pink, wearing her Cheerio uniform.

I stood up despite the aches and plastered a smile on my face. This was a good enough time as any to bury the hatchet, right?

_"Hey, Brittany! I'm glad you could make it."_ I opened my arm for a sideways hug that she actually reciprocated before pulling away. _"The gift table is over there and the wristbands are..."_ I searched the table for the manila envelope with the bands and finally found them hidden underneath the plates and forks.

_"They wouldn't let me take Beth's gift on the plane, so I had to buy something once I got here. Sorry, I'm late."_ She said, sweetly. Even that, didn't clue me in to her being sinister.

Ridiculously optimistic. I pealed a wristband from the folder and gestured for her to hold out her hand. She looked at me for a long moment and then smiled, holding out her hand.

_"I'm pretty excited. It's been awhile since I've been to one of these parks. Not since our senior ditch day."_

_"Right. I missed that."_ I muttered, remembering how much it sucked to be in a wheelchair and having to skip ditch day.

_"That's right, you did!"_ She smirked as I finished putting on the bracelet and then looked around, her eyes glazing over the unidentifiable Aunt and then turned back to me.

_"So San is usually my partner on rides. Since she's not here..."_ She stuck out her lip a little.

God help me for not saying no.

_"Of course. Where do you want to go first?"_

_"There was a sign for a splash ride, I could definitely use that. I forgot how hot this uniform can get."_

_"Did you wear that for Beth?"_

_"I thought she would like it."_

_"She will."_

_"Great. Come on, lets get moving."_

* * *

I was surprised with how much fun Brittany actually was after three rides. She seemed to be aware of the pain I was in and didn't suggest anything super intense, thankfully.

She was beginning to grow on me and I almost didn't miss Santana, almost.

_"So, have you talked to Santana since our crazy phone call?" _She asked when we were on the Ferris Wheel, making our way to the top. A yellow flag went up but I tried to mentally bat it away.

_"No. I did call a few times but she sent me to voicemail. I guess she's pretty upset with me calling you in the first place and upsetting you. I'm sorry for that by the way. It wasn't my place to interfere." _

She sat across from me, holding onto the bunny she had won for Beth.

_"It's fine. We worked it out." _She smiled to herself as she peered off the Ferris Wheel. For a moment, I think she contemplated pushing me off but that would be plain cruel and while she's manipulative, I didn't think Brittany was capable of being that cruel.

I, of course was an idiot and should have known better.

The ride climbed higher, we were almost at the top and Brittany had been quietly sitting there, staring over the side with the bunny next to her as she sat there looking just as normal as always but it was just a part of her game.

_"I'm glad you worked it out."_ I said, finally unable to stand her being so still.

_"Are you?"_ She finally turned to look at me, fire in her eyes where calm had once been.

_"What?"_ I was still in my world of bliss so her question completely caught me off guard.

_"Are you happy that we worked things out?"_

_"Of course I am. Marriage is a big deal and she loves you enough to have married you. She should honor that."_

_"I'm glad you agree with that."_

_"I do."_ I said, feeling a little more confident, I added,_ "In fact, if the tables were turned, she wouldn't want you to be pinning after someone else. So she needs to realize that it's give and take in a marriage and she needs to play the game that she signed up for."_

She shook her head at me and smiled.

_"I don't know what you just said, but I do know that, we are way too uneven right now for things to work."_ Now I was the confused one.

We crept higher, finally stopping at the top of the Ferris Wheel, I felt like I could see all of Texas from up here and that alone was terrifying.

_"What do you mean?"_ I asked, absently, my eyes still focused on the horizon behind her head.

And that's when she got up and my stomach churned.

* * *

Her movements were pretty quick considering she had to move around the circular handle that just about kept us from tipping off the ride. She was by my side in seconds and the weight of us both on one side tilted the carriage just enough to make me feel like I was going to fall headfirst out of it and plummet to my death.

_"Brittany! What are you doing?"_ I hissed, ready to scream and call attention to the attendant but she had her hand over my mouth before I could make a sound.

I felt sick as she climbed over my hips and leaned closer to me so that our heads were side by side. My hands clung to the hard shell of her top as tears began to pool around my eyes.

I was filled with dread, oh God, please?

_"I told her that she had to chose between us and so far, it looks like I'm winning. Now, I'm pretty flexible and I don't want to die today so if I let go of your mouth, will you promise not to scream?"_ She sat up and looked me in the eyes, her knees now on either side of my hips putting pressure on them. My back ached even more but I didn't want to make things worse. So I nodded and felt some relief when she moved her hand from my mouth._ "Good. You CAN follow directions."_

_"Britt, what are you doing?"_ I asked, trying my best to ignore the tears that still sat on my face.

_"I'm taking control of the situation. I need you to know that I'm in charge."_

_"Oh yea?"_ I raised my eyebrow and almost immediately lost my breath as she landed a punch against my side. I looked up at her in shock and she smiled sweetly.

_"Yea."_

_"Britt, please. Just stop this and after today you won't hear from me. Please?"  
_

She laughed and then leaned in again, her lips grazing my neck as her hands ran down my sides, gripping me tight as she pulled my dress up to rest around my waist, leaving me feeling exposed. My heart began to race but for all the wrong reasons. This wasn't right, she'd obviously lost her mind at some point and I was going to suffer for it.

The Ferris Wheel began to move, bringing us down one notch. I slammed my eyes closed as bile rolled in my stomach.

_"I have always hated you so much. It used to be just me and her,"_ She said before sinking her teeth into my earlobe, nibbling just enough to cause a sting. I shivered and she seemed to take this as some sort of approval as she shifted, her knee suddenly between my thighs. I groaned as she began grinding her knee against the most private part of me. I felt betrayed by my stupid body that had been craving to be touched like this for way too long. This touch though, was not anywhere close to what I wanted.

_"Britt, please, stop."_ I whimpered but she just brought one of her hands up and pressed her fingers against my throat, pressing just enough for me to lose oxygen. I was gasping for air as panic began to take over but she paid that no notice.

_"Santana likes this game, I figured you might too...my knee is soaked. I knew you'd be a whore for anyone, a good little slut. I can see now, that this was never about how you feel about her. You don't love her, you just love what she can make you feel. Well now you know,"_ She kept her one hand around my throat and plunged her free hand into my hair, pulling my lips against hers. _"Anyone can make you feel like that, even me." _She murmured before kissing me hard_. _

* * *

I clung to her, trying my best to push her away all while I tried to breathe past her machinations. I had stopped exercising after my accident but she had kept training, kept getting stronger. I felt so weak, so much at her mercy and all it would take is a scream to alert someone but I couldn't even if I tried.

Tears were dripping off of my face now as I scratched at the hard shell, trying to claw her off of me. She chuckled and kissed me again.

The Ferris Wheel was moving again, I wasn't sure how long it had been but the sounds of the people on the ground were getting louder and the popping in my head was a close second.

Stars burst behind my eyelids as an orgasm hit me and she released her fingers. I felt limp as I gasped for air and she pulled back. I didn't dare open my eyes, too ashamed to even look at her. I could feel the wetness of my orgasm, sticky between my thighs and brought shaky hands to my face and tried to block her out.

_"Get...get off me."_ I begged and this time she actually listened to me. The Ferris Wheel moved down even further and I could hear the attendant talking to people getting onto a car near us.

I took shallow breaths as the warmth of her body left mine, her fingers brushed through my hair and I didn't fight as she tried to make me look normal again. Next she fixed my dress and then finally pushed my hands away and brushed her thumbs under my eyes.

_"You get it now, that I'm in charge?"_ She whispered sweetly and I just nodded, still not daring to look at her.

_"I get it."_ I uttered, badly needing to get out of that carriage and away from the psycho that had married my best friend.

The carriage moved one last time and we docked. The attendant opened the gate, said something that I could barely hear and then I stood to get off. Brittany pushed in front of me, once again gripping the Bunny for Beth and strolled off the ride without looking back.

Why would she, she'd proven her point and left me feeling violated, hurt, and ice cold in the June heat.

* * *

I had no time to recover, I had to rebound and compartmentalize even if I was aching and so very tired. I ran towards the first bathroom I could find and retched up the birthday waffles. I stared blankly into the toilet feeling used and dirty. How could she do this to me? To Santana? Had it been premeditated? Did I provoke her?

A timer went off on my watch and I realized that we had been gone longer than we were supposed to and it was almost time for cake and presents. I could deal with the emotions that were weighing me down later. I had to be present for my daughter. My own fragile emotions could wait.

I stood in front of the mirror, surrounded by bustling mothers and children, a woman changing her baby, and excited over sugared kids all trying to wash their hands but I wasn't present. I wiped at my face with a moist paper towel, irritated with the faint red marks on my neck that could be from anything, including the heat but I knew what they were. I could still feel her fingers, zapping my air supply and the panic that I felt as I struggled to breathe.

A kid's elbow connected with my side, jarring me back to reality and the renewed beeping on my watch. Beth would want to wait for me and here I was being selfish.

I felt so foolish as I made my way back to the gazebo. A part of me thought she would have left as soon as she could but there she was, with BETH, showing her an old dance routine. I stood just off to the side, watching as everyone laughed. I wanted to wreck everything, to throw myself to the ground and cry. I wanted to kill her but I just plastered on my old Fabray smile, hiding my tears behind my smile.

There would be time for tears later.

For now, my daughter was officially 5 and this was supposed to be the beginning of our lives together and while Brittany may be able to keep Santana away from me, I wasn't going to let her have control over anything else.

She couldn't break me. I wouldn't let her.

* * *

By the time all was said and done, the party was a complete success. Lydia and Vincent were as normal as normal can be and I was her same old happy mother.

_"So, how did you like your party?"_ I asked Beth as she sat in a bubble bath surrounded by unicorns that had been a gift from Brittany, obviously. She smiled at me and nodded.

_"It was the best yet, I missed Mama and Meemaw but I think they would have been happy with it too."_

_"I think so too, baby."_

_"So...are you going to hang out with my dad once I go to sleep?"_ She teased her smile brighter than all the lights in the galaxy.

_"I don't think so, I'm feeling pretty tired, I would like more than anything for you to read me a goodnight story once you're done in here. How's that sound?"_

_"Can I read one of the new books you got me?"_

_"You can read three of them if you want, I just want to keep spending this whole day with you. Is that okay?"_

She nodded as she made one of the unicorns a bubble beard, smiling to herself.

_"That sounds perfect, Mama Q."_

_"Good."_

* * *

**_A/N: I know...Brittany is evil but ended with sweetness. Some of you asked what would be the THING that would push Santana over the edge...I think you might be able to see a little further down the road now. Errors later._ **


	25. Chapter 25:Be Still

_**A/N: Before I go on, any sexual violation against your person whether an orgasm happens or you get turned on is STILL a sexual assault if it is unwanted. No means no. Stop means stop. I got some discouraging messages and I want you guys to know that. I'm going to do my best to respect this situation, it wasn't a plot device that I'm going to forget. I promise. See...just because I hate trigger warnings doesn't mean I don't care about you chicas. ;) **_

_**That said, beware the darkness and just in case you may question it after this...Quinntana IS and always will be endgame. **_

_**Onward and Forward!**_

* * *

**Be Still (The Killers)**

* * *

**_*Nightmares are the cornerstone of our subconscious fears.*_**

_The darkness of the oncoming storm didn't stop us from getting on the Ferris Wheel, Beth looked at me with so much excitement, having missed this ride on her birthday. The forecast had called for a sunny day but it looked like God had other plans. _

_We sat together at the back of the carriage and waited to rise up into the sky. Beth started talking about the pretty unicorns that she had gotten from Brittany and how much she liked them. She asked if I liked them but I couldn't respond, the air was trapped in my lungs as we rose up higher and higher and even though I wasn't answering her, she continued to talk. _

_I could feel invisible fingers trailing down my sides as Beth continued to look at me with a smile on her face. I brought my hands to my neck and tried to pry away the invisible fingers that were now at my throat._

_"Mama Q, are you okay?" Beth asked me, looking concerned and I tried to smile, tried to not scare her as we reached the top. She turned her head and smiled again, "Brittany, I think something is wrong with Mama Q." _

_I looked in the direction she was looking and there was Brittany, somehow at the top with us and my heart began thudding._

_"She just needs a hug. Don't worry, Little B, I'll take care of her. Look out at the park, isn't it tiny from up here?"_

_ I tried to move but was rooted to my seat. Beth held tight to her bunny and looked over the side of the carriage as Brittany climbed into my lap, this time she had her hands between my legs and I was choking at the thought of my daughter seeing me be hurt. _

_"Don't worry, my little slut, she can't see this, she won't know how much of a whore her mother is." Her smile became larger as the breath continued to be trapped in my lungs. I was suffocating and Beth was just staring off the side, a smile on her face as I was violated right across from her._

_I could feel my body seizing up as the panic reached a new height. Somehow I got a scream out and Beth's face whipped towards us._

_"Mama Q? Are you okay?" I looked at her and could see the tears in her eyes and then the carriage started spinning and she went flying towards the opening where the metal bars blocked us in. _

_"Beth!" I screamed at her, Brittany holding me in place. "Oh God, please? Beth!" I screamed._

_"Mama!" Beth screamed as she hung to the side of the carriage. I wanted to rip my heart out as I watched Beth hanging off the side, screaming for me and I just sat there, wanting to reach her but not able to move as Brittany remained oblivious, her fingers inside of me, scratching at me and ripping me apart, body from soul, mind from spirit._

_"Beth." I whispered breathless and then it all went dark as the inevitable orgasm hit and pain seared through my body. This must have been what death felt like. _

**_*If our subconscious was on the surface, would reality be much different from our nightmares?*  
_**

* * *

_"Quinn?" _I woke up in a twist of blankets, the brightness of the sun filling the guestroom, with Lydia hovering just in my line of sight._ "Are you okay? You were having a nightmare."  
_

_"Beth?"_ I looked around and saw that my daughter wasn't in the room any longer._ "Where is she?" _I asked Lydia, panic filling my chest.

_"Noah came early this morning to take her for the day. She's okay."_

_"This morning?" _I asked and Lydia nodded.

_"It's just after noon. You seemed like you needed the sleep. Are you okay?" _Lydia sat on the edge of the bed, holding a glass of water and I just laid there looking up at her, feeling my tears frozen behind my eyes.

_"I'm not sure."_

_"Did you want to talk about anything?"_

_"Not really."  
_

_"That dream looked intense and not in a good way. Your mom took me aside the other day and told me about your past issues with..."_ She trailed off, seeming embarrassed to have to bring things up. _"pills. She wanted to know if you've been okay."_

I looked at her in shock, annoyed with my mother for telling the very people who were handing Beth off to me about my slight addiction to pain medication.

_"I've been fine. I just haven't been sleeping well these last few days."_

_"I know. Beth told me that you have been having bad dreams since her birthday."_

_"Did she?"_ Now I was the embarrassed one. I covered my face and realized that my hands were still shaking from the dream. It seemed that the dreams were getting more intense as the days wore on.

_"She did. I'm glad that she wasn't here for this one. You were screaming."_

_"I'm sorry. I just...I've been through a lot and lately things have been manifesting in my dreams. I'm not always like this." _

She put the glass on the nightstand and clenched her hands in her lap. Second guessing herself for a moment before sighing and looking at me hard.

_"I think we should go have lunch today. Something changed. You've been a zombie, so mechanical and it's really showing. Let me help you. No matter what it is that's weighing on you, I won't judge you."_

_"It's nothing."_ I argued weakly.

_"It's definitely something, in fact, it's starting to show on your face. You've got dark circles, you're pale, and the shine in your eyes is gone. If I didn't know better, I'd think you had some sort of trauma recently. It's good to talk things out."_

_"And if I don't want to?"_

_"Oh trust me, you want to. Don't carry whatever is bothering you around. It will start to have effects on things around you. Do you want that?"_

_"Want what?"_ I looked up at her, feeling angry and frustrated. Who was she to talk to me like this?

_"For your own emotions to drag down Beth?"_

* * *

Flashes of my dreams, of Beth flying over the side of the Ferris Wheel because I wasn't strong enough to catch her sank into my bones. I was already dragging down Beth, just like I always knew that I would.

How could I expect anything less from myself?

Here I was being selfish again, letting my own heaviness out. I knew better than to let my emotions get the best of me. Good things never happened when I let people see the torments of my mind.

And now Beth was seeing it. Witnessing it first hand and I was doing nothing to stop it.

I was being reckless.

I laid there, the feeling of drowning coming over me. I couldn't breathe as I laid there, as still as possible, willing myself to breathe. Lydia looked me over and then put her hand on my arm.

Panic filled me but I tried to quell it.

_"Breathe."_ She said, her voice taking on a serious tone.

I wanted to yell at her, to tell her that breathing was just what I was trying to do but I couldn't even form the words. She took deep audible breaths and counted. Urging me to follow her breathing pattern but my lungs weren't cooperating.

She had took charge and pulled me into a sitting position faster than I could react. She had a hand on my back and one on my chest. Her head rested on mine as she urged me on.

_"Close your eyes." _I did._ "Now picture Beth smiling at you and take a deep breath,"_ I did my best to breathe in felt pin pricks in my side but then I let out a shallow breath and pain faded._ "Now imagine the calm you feel when she's reading to you. What's her favorite story, can you picture it?" _I nodded and took another shallow breath._ "Good, now imagine her reading out loud in front of a classroom, everyone staring at her in awe of how smart she is...do you see it?" _I did. I saw my little girl showing beaming with pride as she read like a big girl. I saw everyone seeing just how amazing she is. The breaths came a little easier as I smiled at the thought of my little girl and all that she was._ "That's it, Quinn. Just keep breathing."_

Her hand continued to rub my back as she kept mimicking deep breaths. I could feel the panic abating and as I opened my eyes, the smile didn't fade. It felt good to think of Beth when I felt like I was falling deeper into myself.

I attempted a deep breath, emboldened by my serious of shallow ones and this time it was painless.

* * *

I wanted to tell Lydia more than anything but when the time came to talk but the words didn't come. I just sat there, looking down into my soup replaying the whole thing in my head over and over. I dissected the memory, looked at it from all angles and the more that I did, the more I was sure that I was blowing it way out of proportion.

My instincts said that I needed to tell someone but I could only think of one person that I wanted to tell. Only one person really needed to know and then she could do with it what she wanted.

I sat there, staring at the food, feeling nauseous and embarrassed. How could I even sum up how hurt and violated I felt.

_"Quinn?"_ Lydia said, calmness seeping from her. Her bedside manner as pristine as I hoped mine would be.

_"You're right, something did happen. I don't want..."_ I paused, taking a moment to breathe and then looked up at her and tried to smile. _"I can't talk about it yet. I know that it's not healthy to bottle things up. People have been telling me that for years but its how I cope. Giving into emotions has always made me go to a dark place. I can't afford to do that right now. Beth needs me to be strong for her. To protect her and that's what I'm trying to do, even if part of protecting her is from me."_

_"Well just an observation, you're doing a pretty shitty of that. I hear you always telling Beth that it's okay for her to cry. It's okay to give in to sadness but you don't follow your own advice. It's not healthy."_

_"Yea well, it's just not something that's easy to talk about."_

_"Fine...just promise me that if not me, that you'll talk to someone?" _She looked worried and with the issues she's been having with Vincent, I hated to be one more thing for her to be concerned about.

_"I promise. So can we change the subject then...what is going on with you and Vincent?"_ I asked, swirling my straw in my neglected drink and enjoying the opportunity to turn the tables on her.

_"Oh nothing,"_ She said, flagging me and then smirking._ "We're just getting a divorce. No big deal."_ She rolled her eyes and then took a huge bite out of her sandwich, chewing just as contentedly as can be.

_"That's a pretty big deal." _

_"Why, you want to swoop in?"_

_"Uh...no. Um...is this my fault?"_

She looked at me serious for a moment and then a grin took over.

_"Of course not. Now though, I'm wondering, is there something you want to tell me? You think my husband is hot because I know he thinks that you are, again, not your fault, this was already in the works before you came along."_

_"Oh."_ I sputtered,_ "I'm pretty sure that my attraction to him is nothing in comparison to um..."_

I could see the lights go off in her head and was waiting for her to be offended but her smirk got bigger.

_"I called it! Oh he SO owes me a hundred dollars! For what it's worth, the feeling is mutual."_ She winked and for the moment, all the heaviness of the last couple of days, lifted.

* * *

**_A/N: A nightlight! ;) Errors later. Keep reviewing...I need to gauge your reactions...they help my process._ **


	26. Chapter 26:Dark Road

**Dark Road (Annie Lennox)**

* * *

_**"I knew you'd be a whore for anyone, a good little slut...anyone can make you feel like that...even me."**_

I couldn't get her freaking words out of my head, over and over again they played. Her tone mocking and saccharine. I'd been batting them away for days now but after flirting with Lydia at lunch the words are sinking deeper into my marrow.

Maybe I am a whore for anyone, a good little slut. Out of everything Brittany had said to me, those words had rung true somewhere inside of me and I couldn't shake them.

My confidence was shaken and nothing could make that go away. I wanted nothing more than to call Santana but each time that I pulled up her name or opened a text message, I would hear those words and I'd stop myself. **_WHORE...SLUT_**

As crazy as it may sound, I'm a little terrified that she'll show up again and catch me unaware.

I can't allow that to happen ever again. Brittany will not get that close to me, I wasn't a fool.

That's what I'm telling myself though even if I was turned on that day, my body was shivering with anticipation of that orgasm so as much as I was enraged by the violation, I got some satisfaction out of it and it made me feel dirty.

My mind was muck and nothing was fixing that. Not even Lydia and the liquid cool contentedness that lived in her eyes. If only for a moment, I'd love to just be wrapped in the confidence that she carries on her shoulders.

She is the personification of everything that I try to be and instead of being unnerved by it, I'm intrigued by it.

* * *

I splashed water on my face, staring at my reflection and recalling how Lydia had described the toll that my stress this week had put on my physical appearance. My hair was dull, my eyes sunken in, and even my lips were overly chapped from my tendency to bite them. I could feel the sickening panic start to rise up again and tried to imagine Beth, just like Lydia had told me to do but it wasn't working the same.

I'd see Beth in my mind's eye and then I'd see a glimpse of her flying over the side of the Ferris Wheel.

To top it all off, those words would come back, over and over it went until I was leaned over, nearly hyperventilating over the sink in the public bathroom of a restaurant.

Tears were still not making an appearance but everything that came with them was still very much plaguing me, especially the shortness of breath.

_"Quinn?"_ Lydia's voice cut through my panic as I clutched the porcelain sink and tried my best to breathe through it but the words...**_SLUT...WHORE _**wouldn't stop.

_"I'm fine."_ I said, letting out a hysterical laugh. Even now, with me obviously not being fine, I was still stood here lying and being deceitful. I was starting to feel like I got what I deserved.

_"Bullshit!" _I heard the lock of the door and then her hand was on my back, this time I didn't flinch, her touch calmed me just enough to get a good deep breath out._ "I hate to say this but maybe its time for you to go home. Something here is triggering these episodes."_

_"Not without, Beth." _I said, feeling a sharp pain in my sinuses...my tear ducts craving a release but there was nothing to give, nothing to feel I knew that once they finally came, I wouldn't stop and Brittany didn't deserve my tears.

_"I can't let her go with you like this, Quinn, it's not going to do either of you any good. You need help."_ She said, finally looking at me in the mirror.

Anger was surging through me, I felt like punching her in her perfect fucking face.

* * *

_"Let me worry about that. I can be good for her."_ I said, anger blotting out the panic as I whipped around, staring in her stupid liquid cool eyes. _"She is the only thing keeping me sane and if I can't have that, I don't know what I'll do."_

She rolled her eyes at me and shifted her hand from my hip, where I hadn't realized it was resting, and put both her hands on my shoulders. She looked me in my eyes and the pity that resided there made me seethe.

_"That's just it, you can't rely on that little girl for your happiness. She's just a kid. She's going to have her moments where she makes you feel insane and if you are relying completely on her for your sanity, you're going to lose it. Right now, things are good, things are smooth and I, more than anyone, want them to stay that way. She loves you, Quinn and she's already lost two really important people in her life, I don't want to see her lose you too."_

_"But that's what this is." _I stomped my foot and she chuckled dryly._ "Making me leave is her losing me."_

_"It doesn't have to be, sweetie, you said something about us having her for the summers after her birthday and you taking her for the school year. Why not start now. Her birthday has come and gone. Take this time to go on vacation or at least go home, take some time to clear your head and get your life back on track so that when September comes, you are ready to take her home."_

_"But you're getting divorced, I've been through that, it's no picnic." _

_"Oh that," _She rolled her eyes._ "We are better as friends. We love each other but I don't think we were ever in love. Vince is my anchor, we've done therapy and prayer but honestly, I think pushing this marriage to work, was making us resentful of each other. Beth though, won't feel the effects of that anymore. You called it to our attention and we are MUCH more aware of it. We are both grateful to you for that and now I'm returning the favor."_

_"But..." _And then Brittany's words were back..._**a good little slut**__..._maybe she was right.

_"Let me buy you a ticket home, maybe even get you one for tomorrow when Noah leaves, that way Beth can see you both off at once."_

_"Tomorrow?"_ I question_ed, "You don't think that's too soon?"_

_"With the way things are going, Quinn, tomorrow isn't soon enough."_

* * *

When we got back to the house, Lydia reserved my ticket and then was gone again in under an hour, having been called in to work. It seemed that she was a slave to her job and the more that I saw just how much, I was starting to rethink med school. Maybe getting custody of Beth right now, at this juncture in my life is a sign that committing so much of my time to anything but her at this point was a bad choice.

Truthfully, I'm not feeling like any plan that I have made for myself to this point has been good. Even Yale.

As I packed, I started to feel like Lydia was beyond right. Me leaving right now, was a good thing. It was the best thing and not just for Beth. Brittany is living in my head and is stealing my focus from the important things.

Once again, the desire to call Santana overwhelmed me and so I shoved the last of my stuff into my suitcase and then threw caution to the wind.

One ring. _**SLUT.**_ Two rings. **_WHORE._** Three rings...

_"Well, well, well, hi Quinnie."_ Brittany answered and my entire being hollowed out as I gasped.

_"Brittany?"_ I whispered, in a state of disbelief of just how shitty the luck that I seemed to be born with was.

_"She's in the shower, did you need something?"_ She said, just as normal as can be, meanwhile I felt frozen with fear. I could have hung up but I couldn't move. My mind was back on that Ferris Wheel and here she was sounding like it was nothing.

_"No...well...yes. I just wanted to let her know that I'm headed back to Lima. That I'll be there in time for her mom's birthday."_ I said, thankfully having the presence of mind to remember that Maribel's 60th birthday was in a few days and that Santana had been planning a HUGE surprise party. How had I even forgotten?

_"Is that how you knew we were in Lima or did you talk to her?"_ She said, her voice becoming harsh, sounding more like the Brittany that was on that Ferris Wheel with me then the one who had answered the phone. Panic was washing over me and I was finding it hard to conjure up images of Beth to quell it.

_"No. I just haven't missed one of Santana's family parties in about ten years." _

_"Right. I'm sure that's what it is. Do we need to have another talk, Quinn? Was my visit not enough?"_ She asked, her voice getting even lower. Warmth filled my body and my panties too. It was like even now, she was hovering over me and making me feel things that I didn't want to feel.

My eyes were pinched shut as I relived the Ferris Wheel over and over again. My body's reaction was evidence of just how right she was about who and what I was. **_WHORE FOR ANYONE_**

_"No. I um...didn't think it would be a big deal."_

_"I guess it's just not sinking in, no worries. You'll get it soon enough." _

_"If you try something, I swear I will tell her and everyone else just how fucking sick you are and what you did to me."_

She giggled like a toddler and let out a sigh._ "No one will believe you, Quinn. They all know about you going after my wife, it will just seem like you're jealous."_

My heart sank because I knew that she was right. I mean look at my track record, I haven't always been the most honest person, unlike Brittany who was known for being brutally honest and aloof consistently.

No one would believe how vile she was being.

_"Santana will believe me."_

_"Maybe but we both know what will happen if you try to go against what agreed on. Unless...that's what you want...to be my little whore again. Is that it, Quinn? Do you miss me already?"_

_"Who's on the phone, Britt?" _I heard Santana's voice and prayed that she had heard what Brittany had been saying.

_"Just Quinn. She wanted to know the details for Mama Lopez's party." _

_"Oh, just tell her it's at the Union League at 8pm on Friday. Is she coming back?"_

_"Yea. Did you want to talk to her?" _Brittany asked, innocently. Santana got quiet, too quiet and that's when I knew that they were having one of their infamous silent conversations.

_"Nah, she's probably busy. I need to get dressed anyway and so do you. Dinner in an hour. FLY SAFE, Q!" _

And just like that she had exited the conversation and I was going to follow her lead.

_"Thanks for the info, Brittany."_

_"See you soon, Quinnie, very, very soon." _She said and then there was silence.

* * *

My hands were shaking as I placed my phone beside me on the bed. I expected a panic attack but this time, I felt nothing but dread.

_"Mama Q? Are you here?"_ Beth called as she pounded up the stairs. I wiped at my invisible tears and tried my best to put on my best face. The door swung open and there was my little girl, face painted like a pink bunny, grinning. _"Papa is so much fun! So is Uncle Jakey."_

I felt a lump in my throat as I looked at my innocent little girl, despite all the destruction in her life in the last few months, she was still untainted and whole. Lydia was right. I needed to leave.

She looked from me to my suitcase and her smile vanished.

_"Are we leaving?"_ She asked, hope in her eyes.

_"I'm leaving tomorrow, baby."_

_"With me? Like Meemaw said I would?"_ Her lip began to tremble and I reached for her but she stood, rooted to that same spot on the carpet just out of my reach and waited for me to break her heart.

I heard more footsteps coming up the steps, this time though, they sounded slower and lopsided.

_"It's just for a little while. Uncle Vincent and Titi Lydia wanted to keep you for the summer while I go get us set up."_

_"But you'll come back for me?"_ Her eyes were watering. Her pink bunny makeup made her sadness even more tragic.

_"Yes, baby. I promise you. I will come back for you."_

The door opened wider and Noah came pushing into the room, a sheen of sweat on his brow as he looked from me to Beth and then back to me.

_"I had her happy, why is she sad now? What's with the suitcase?" _I looked up at him and then rolled my eyes.

_"I'm going back to Lima. I have some school stuff that I need to get figured out and set up so that Beth and I have a home to go to after the summer is up. I can't do all of that from here, unfortunately." _

Beth nodded and then looked up at Noah and held out her hand.

_"It's okay, she says she'll be back for me. She promised. Do you want to see my room?" _

_"Of course, baby girl. Why don't you go put your stuff in there and I'll be in, I just need to talk to Mama Q for a second."_

Beth's face changed from sad bunny to angry one._ "NO. You can talk to her later. It's our day, remember?"_

_"Right, I'm sorry. Come on, show me where the most awesome little girl spends all of her time."_

_"I don't spend all of my time in there! I go places!" _Beth was all giggles as she led a limping Noah Puckerman across the hall. Thankfully sparing me the task of having to explain why I needed to leave all of a sudden.

But how could I even begin to explain it to him, I barely knew how to process any of it myself. I was trapped in my head, in my heart, and it was all just so insanely dark and twisted.

* * *

The flight back to Ohio seemed twice as long without Beth to keep me company. Having her with me was better than the first class seat that I was in.

_"Would you like anything, Miss?"_ The flight attendant asked as I sat writing a list of the things that I needed to do when I got back home.

_"Whiskey, please."_ I asked, handing her my debit card and my id. She barely looked at the id as she poured a cup for me. _"Thank you."_ I said as she handed me the cup and a napkin. My first instinct was to knock back the drink and ask for another but that wouldn't solve my problems. Not much could.

The way that Brittany was essentially threatening me and how much my body responded to it made me feel sick to my stomach. How could she think that what I wanted was her? Maybe on some level my body was craving anyone's touch, any kind of contact that would make my body hum with satisfaction but this...thing was not healthy or desired.

I just wanted to run away from everything but especially from the two of them. Where Santana goes, Brittany follows and I really don't want to have to feel like I was being threatened any time that I so much sneezed in Santana's direction.

Her friendship was valuable and dear to me but it wasn't worth trading my soul for.

_"Would you like another?"_ The flight attendant was back and I looked at her in confusion, it had only been a few minutes. I looked at my empty cup and then at my phone screen. There was still three hours left on the flight. I looked up at her and nodded.

_"Can you make it a double?"_ She looked around and leaned in.

_"I'm not really supposed to but you look like you could really use it. Am I right?"_ She was close enough for me to see the dark freckles on her her tan skin. She smelled like chocolate and I felt the urge to lean in and capture her lips. What the hell?

_"You are...could you cut me off after this? Even if I beg you?"_ I asked and she looked me over for a long moment as she contemplated my request. I could see her starting to second guess her decision to give me a double but then she shrugged.

_"I can do that."_

_"Thank you."_

_"We all have a bad day but hey, once you hit bottom, that's it, you can't go any lower."_ She said, handing me the cup, grazing my fingers as she pulled away.

_"You would think."_ I muttered, feeling like my life just seemed to be a series of dark roads and bottoms that seemed to have a secret door to an all new low. Each time that I sunk down, I always managed to find a new bottom.

I couldn't live that way any longer. I needed to choose a future for Beth and for me, one that was far, far away from Brittany and by extension...Santana.

I just hoped that by doing so, I'd get Brittany out of my head once and for all. I laid my head back and took a sip of my drink, this time I did my best to be aware of each sip, hoping to clear my mind.

My eyes were closed as we coasted along, peace was settling over me and then there was a sharp laugh from behind me that sounded way too similar to one that had chuckled in my ear after I moaned and then her voice was back.

_**"I knew you'd be a whore for anyone, a good little slut...anyone can make you feel like that...even me."**_

And as I flew thousands of miles above ground, the first of many tears began to make their slow trek across my cheeks. I just continued to sip, the words continuing to repeat.

_**"...you don't really love her just what she can make you feel**__**...whore for anyone...anyone can make you feel like that...even me."  
**_

My minor attraction to the flight attendant proved just how right Brittany had to be.

How had I been blind to it for so long?

Maybe this was what Russell saw when he looked at me, it's probably why he still remained disgusted with me, even after all this time and a degree from Yale, he still would rather forget that I was born. I shamed him.

And now...I was beginning to be ashamed of myself and just what I was...

_**"...whore for anyone, a good little slut."**_

* * *

**_A/N: I write most chapters in one shot, I wrote this one in about six. Forgive the errors and I may come back tomorrow. Hope you are all well...wonderful!_**


	27. Chapter 27:This Too Shall Pass Away

**This Too Shall Pass Away (Phyllis Hyman)**

* * *

The flight home had given me time to think about just what needed to happen for me to cut ties with Lima and everyone that I had come to know as friends. A clean break was best and with Brittany becoming more and more insane by the day, I knew that there was no way that spending the rest of the summer in Lima was good for me.

Mother was in California with Frannie, having flown straight there from Beth's party and so I had a house to myself for the next week or so. My first instinct was to get absolutely wasted but I couldn't let myself be under any other influence but my own. I was within a one block radius of Maribel's house and I did NOT need to be inebriated if Brittany came knocking.

Calling Santana was out of the question.

At least I knew for a fact that Maribel would answer her own phone and since she was my therapist and the one person who seemed to pull me out of my funks like the pro that she is, I called her once I got settled and was happy to hear her voice come through clear and calm.

_"Where are you?"_ She asked, not even announcing who was calling her out loud, which meant she was either busy or didn't want anyone to know.

_"I just got home and I had the urge to raid the medicine cabinets but I called you instead."_

_"Good to hear. I'm coming over, we need to talk."_

_"Okay."_

_"Did you want me to tell..."_ She started to say before I cut her off.

_"NO! Please, don't tell them that I'm home. Not yet."_

_"Okay, I'll see you soon, mi'ja. Get that coffee started, yea?"_ She said in her very Maribel way.

_"You got it."_

* * *

Even though I was expecting her, my heart was trapped in my throat as I watched Maribel's car pull into the driveway. She pulled around the back of the house where her car couldn't be seen from the road and parked, I watched the anxiously as I tried to figure out just what I wanted to say to her. I had left the back door open while I poured out two cups in the kitchen.

I heard the backdoor open and shut and then the click of heels.

_"Better make that three."_ I heard a familiar voice say and I froze, my hands clutching the counter as Santana's scent wafted in, blinding my senses. I turned around and saw her standing in the doorway grinning.

_"What did I say when you insisted on coming with me?"_ Maribel said to her when she saw my visceral reaction.

_"That I was not to make her uncomfortable but come on Mami, she's my best friend!" _Santana looked at me with a cautious smile._ "Tell her, Q, you're happy to see me, aren't you?"_

I turned back around and picked up the two mugs, my hands shaking uncontrollably as Brittany's words were screaming in my head. I took a deep breath and then turned around, my hands as still as I could make them.

_"You shouldn't have come, we both know that. Since you're here though, I'm not going to make you leave."_ I said, completing the trek from the counter to the kitchen table.

_"Shit. I can go if you both want me to. It's just that Britt and her mom are going to be in Toledo overnight, I didn't want to be at the house all by myself."_ She said, her face filled with annoyance and rejection as she began to edge backwards towards the hallway.

* * *

The thought of Brittany not popping up in the next five minutes gave me the courage to actually look Santana in the eye.

_"Sit down and have coffee with us. I needed to talk to you both anyway. It's...important."_ I turned away from her and began to fill a third cup and was making my way back to the table when I saw Maribel looking nervously into her cup as she added milk. She opened her mouth to say something but Santana cut her off and said the unthinkable...

_"Is it about you making out with Brittany on the Ferris Wheel, because she told me already and while it hurt, I forgive you both. Just don't go making it a habit."_ She said dryly.

It was like a punch to the stomach, the cup slipped from my fingers and smashed into the floor, splashing my legs and the counters.

_"What did you just say?"_ I said, not caring about the coffee and broken shards of porcelain covering the everything. I could feel Maribel's eyes on me but I was staring directly at Santana, who had one hand on the back of a chair and had been in the process of sitting. She looked at me in shock and then at the mess I made and then smiled.

_"No need to get upset, it's fine. I'm not angry at you...she said she came on to you and things just got carried away."_

**_WHORE FOR ANYONE..._**

_"I can't believe her. That bitch." _I muttered._  
_

* * *

Neither Santana nor Maribel said a word about me calling Brittany a bitch. They just cleaned up the mess and suggested that we should take our coffee into the den but I couldn't move.

_"Do you want to tell me what that was about?" _Santana asked once she and her mom were sitting again. I knew that this was my chance to explain it all but it wasn't going to be easy. If only it was just Maribel without the added feeling of Santana's eyes.

_"She threw herself at me, I tried to push her off, I begged her to stop but she..." _I put my hand to my throat, remembering the painful pleasure of her cutting off my oxygen. _"She didn't stop...she told me...to stay away from you and now that I'm back..." _I was talking into my hands but I knew that they were both raptly listening to me. _"She told me if I talk to you that she'd make me pay. I...I won't be staying home long." _

We sat in silence as the words that I had been willing to keep tight to my chest had slipped out.

_"How did it happen? I need details." _Santana's voice was hollow and cold as she slapped her hands down on the table. _"This just doesn't make any sense. She's Brittany for God's sake. She's not a rapist! Are you sure you're not making more out of this then really happened?"_

_"Santana! How dare you say such a thing! Quinn is your best friend, why would she lie?"_

_"And Brittany is my WIFE, she could have not said anything but she chose to tell me about the Ferris Wheel. It just can't be true...I don't believe you."_ Santana stood from the table, the chair sliding back. I thought she'd storm out but she walked over to me instead and crouched into my line of sight. Her eyes looking up into mine, hurt and anger lining her face. _"Tell me what happened, Q, make me understand." _

I was hurt but now that it was all out there, what was stopping me and so I put my hand on Santana's throat and pressed down. Her eyes got wild but she didn't move.

_"She put her hand on my neck like this and she pushed her knee against me...down there until I came. She called me a slut and a whore and told me to stay away from you and then...once the ride stopped, she fixed up my hair and got off the ride like it was no big deal. Like she hadn't just assaulted me. Like she hadn't just made me feel like the lowest piece of trash that has ever existed."_ I pulled my hand away and tears were instantly in her eyes. I could see her recognizing the way that Brittany had made her point.

I could see the belief in her eyes but I still didn't feel vindication.

_"Why didn't you call me?"_

_"I did! She answered and then told me that we needed to have another talk...because there I was calling you again. I...you being here right now is the last thing I wanted or needed." _

_"Mami..." _Santana stood to her feet and put a hand on her mom's shoulder. _"Why don't you go ahead home, let me...stay here with Quinn." _

_"No. Despite what Brittany did, SHE is your wife and you need to deal with her not Quinn. Entiendes?"_

_"But Ma-" _

_"Entiendes?"_ Maribel said, her face not giving a hint of her feelings away.

_"Yes. I understand. I'm going to call her."_

_"Ahora." _

_"Okay. Q...I'm sorry this happened. I'll talk to her and get to the bottom of this. I promise."_ She gave me a kind smile and then left the room, shutting the french doors behind her. I felt like throwing the table across the room, I was so angry but I just glanced at Maribel, our eyes met and the impassive look had turned into one of anger.

She slid her cup across the table towards me. _"Do you have anything stronger?"_

* * *

I was still in disbelief that I had the courage to be honest almost as soon as I saw Maribel and Santana. A few years ago, I would have stalled but the stakes were higher these days. Everything that I did would affect Beth and I needed to be the kind of person that she could look up to and that meant me being upfront even when it seemed impossible.

My plan had been to tell Maribel and have her help me tell Santana but I guess, things happened the way that God intended them to.

_"I'm proud of you mi'ja, that took a lot of guts." _

_"Yea?" _

_"It did and I want you to know that no matter what happens next, that I will always be in your corner." _She took a hold of my hand, her eyes serious and focused._ "I tried to stop the marriage before it was even in the planning stages because there is just something off about that family but love is not just blind, it's blinding. My daughter is no exception."_

_"I love her, I just have come to realize that it's not time for us yet. She needs to get Brittany out of her system."_

_"And if she never does?"_

I poured us each some rum and then took a quick drink. She threw hers back like it was no big deal and pushed her cup back towards the bottle. I finished my rum and then poured more. The feel of alcohol in my system after so long made my body tingle and grow hot. I knew that just one more drink would push me towards being tipsy but I was home and Brittany was far away. I would be safe now, I had to be. Santana and Maribel weren't going to let her near me now. I had to believe that.

_"If she never does, then I'm just going to have to keep on living my life separated from Santana and although it will hurt , Beth needs me more than she does."_

_"You're absolutely right. Now lets talk about Brittany."_

_"I'm not going to press charges. It's not worth it, just keep her away from me and I'll be okay."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"No but I have to be. I don't have the luxury of having time to wallow in my own pity. I have a life to get on with."_

* * *

By the time that Santana came back into the kitchen, me and Maribel were halfway through a bottle of rum. Maribel was holding her own much better than me, who couldn't draw up a tear if I tried.

We were looking at all the pictures that I had taken of Beth and I was telling her everything that had happened in Texas, everything positive that is. The Brittany discussion had been tabled until we had more of an idea of what Santana's next move was.

It was the best that I could do.

Santana came in the kitchen and tossed her phone onto the table. The screen was shattered and the case was broken. Her eyes were glazed over as she slid into the seat across from me. From the looks of it, Brittany had told the truth.

_"Mi'ja?"_ Maribel said, pouring her a drink and sliding her up over. Santana reached for the cup blindly and drank thirstily from the cup before holding it out for more. It was almost amusing to see Maribel feeding Santana rum like it was juice. _"You talked to Brittany?"_

_"She admitted it. Like it was nothing, she laughed about it. I don't know who she is anymore. How could she do this? It doesn't make any fucking sense!" _Santana looked over at me and gave me a small smile. _"I'm pretty sure I can't stay married to her now...I know that doesn't change what she did to you but know that I'm on your side, Q."_

_"It's not about sides." _

_"But it is. That's exactly what this is about. Me picking a side, me picking her over you and I can't. She's becoming unrecognizable to me. The woman that I fell in love with, the one that I married is not the same person that took advantage of you on that Ferris Wheel or the person who faked a suicide attempt to get me to agree not to talk to you again. For her, this is a game that she's trying to win."_

_"I'm sorry, Santana."_

_"No. I'm sorry. I dragged you into this mess because I decided to go to New Haven instead of being there for her audition for Julliard. It's gone too far but I know that the sooner I end things, the sooner we can all move on."_

_"I hope you mean that, San because I don't think I can deal with her taking the shit between the two of you out on me. We had sex over a year ago while she was with Sam. She needs to let it go. I know I have."_

* * *

_**A/N: There's a time jump after this chapter. There may be errors but I will come back...I ALWAYS come back! :)**  
_


	28. Chapter 28:Flaws

_**A/N: Um...violent stuff ahead. Fun for me to write...not so much fun for some people to read. You've been warned. Enjoy! :)  
**_

* * *

**Flaws (Bastille)**

* * *

**2 Days Later**

* * *

_"You still promise right?"_ It was small and almost unnoticed but just as I was falling to sleep with Beth on the other side of the screen, reading me a story, her question jolted me back to full consciousness. She was watching me, that raised eyebrow and twisted bottom lip, evidence that being away from me for the last three days had been too much for her.

_"Yes, baby girl, I promise. I miss you so much and I can't wait for our nighttime cuddles!" _Her smile was priceless.

_"Good!"_ There was some mumbling in the background and Beth got up. She left me there and then there was footsteps followed by a familiar head of hair leaning down and felt my heart skip a beat. I had missed the calmness of Lydia more than ever after spilling my soul out to the Lopez women.

_"Hey there Q! You look rested, did you finally talk to someone?"_ She asked, taking the seat that Beth had vacated._ "I sent her to brush her teeth, we have community service tomorrow, early."_

_"She told me, you're going to be at the shelter, right?"_

_"Yes, Vince's firm invested in a bunch of shelters a few years ago. Anyway, did you finally talk to someone?"_

_"I did. I told two people and so far, I'm feeling better even though I still have this anxiety, I'm coping. It's like this giant sense of doom everywhere I go but I've just been taking it a moment at a time."_

_"That crippling anxiety will pass with time...unless you are still in the line of danger?" _Her eyebrows raised and she shrugged._ "I'm still not sure what happened, although I'm pretty sure it has to do with that blonde girl. What was her name? Bianca?"_

_"Brittany."_

_"Right! I knew it was some cheerful white girl name."_

_"Ha! Yea well, she's usually insanely chipper, even when she shouldn't be."_

_"So am I right?" _Lydia was digging but this wasn't something that I was willing to talk about over Skype especially not with Beth in earshot.

_"I really don't want to talk about it but yes, it was her."_

_"I'm sorry to hear that, I really am."  
_

_"I'm done!"_ Beth came back, her head back in the screen._ "Titi says I need to go to bed. I have to say goodnight."_

_"How did I teach you to say it?"_ Lydia said.

_"Oh!" _Beth grinned and then after taking a moment to get it right,_ "Buenas noches!" _

* * *

By the time that I ended the call with Lydia and Beth, I was wired. It had been nearly two whole days since I had talked to Maribel and Santana, I had asked them for space and time to get myself together.

Maribel respected it but Santana was still calling me and texting me. The last thing that I had wanted was her sympathy but it seemed that was all she had to give me. Brittany had to be back by now and if I was to believe what Santana was saying, then their marriage was headed south. The last thing that she should be doing is reaching out to me.

She would see me the next night anyway, after much deliberation, I decided that I would attend Maribel's party even if my mother had decided that California was really starting to suit her.

The party would be in a public space and with the Lopez women on my side, I felt like I could conquer anything.

My confidence was making a resurgence and a lot of that had to do with not really focusing on Brittany and the words that were still trying to force their way into my every move.

So I made a list of the top five places that she could end up after Julliard and then crossed off any school that was in a fifty mile radius. New York was at the top of her list and so Columbia and NYU both left mine.

By the time I was done, I had two schools left that were worth my time, UPenn and Baylor. Of course, Baylor was just a toss in because it was my mother's Alma Mater but the choice between an Ivy in the city and being back in Bible thumping Texas was simple.

Hopefully in just few months time, I would be the newest Philadelphia resident with the added benefit of having Puck a stone's throw away in Delaware and Jake in the same city meant that there were family connections for Beth.

I had it all planned out, I should have expected the world to fall apart but I wasn't going to allow myself to get sucked into the whole nobody loves me depressive spiral that I so often find myself on.

History though, has always repeated itself because not getting too comfortable is something that I have yet to master.

* * *

After researching more about Philly and finding places that would be close to campus, it was past midnight and I was sitting alone in a dark house with the chills in June.

I didn't want to check the thermostat because that meant going downstairs and that was something that I really didn't want to do but then I had that familiar ache in my back, the one that means I'm clenching my muscles and creating pain that is unnecessary.

I turned on the hallway light and ran down the stairs, eyes on the little box on the wall at the bottom of the steps.

_"Hi Quinn."_ Came a voice near the front door that was in the shadows.

Distracted and scared out of my wits, I lost my footing and began to tip forward in my sock covered feet. I'm still unsure if it was fortunate or unfortunate that I never completed the fall.

A body blocked my fall, as my luck would have it, the body wasn't one that I wanted near me even if I was falling.

_"What are you doing here?"_ I shrieked as I pushed her off of me and reached for the light. When I managed to get the foyer lights on, I could see that she was a wreck.

Her hair was mussed, her face was swollen and her eyes were red rimmed.

_"Santana kicked me out because of you and your big mouth."_ She said, wiping at her tears and sucking in her trembling bottom lip.

_"Is that so?"_ I asked, my hand gripping the bottom of the banister. She blocked my exit and the only way to go was up. I had seen enough horror movies to know that running up the stairs was never an option. Rarely though, was the girl murdered on the stairs. So I was going to stay right there, come hell or high water. _"You're lucky I don't file assault charges."_

* * *

It was a split second really, the way she went from weepy to enraged and I was ill prepared for it. She shoved me back so quick that my grip on the banister slipped and my back collided with the steps. I nearly bit through my tongue as she pressed me against the steps._  
_

_"I didn't assault you but now I might." _She said, using her height as an advantage to keep me where she wanted me. _"Why couldn't you just keep your mouth shut and leave things alone?"_

I wasn't frozen and so I pushed and scratched at her, giving my all to get her off of me.

But she was stronger.

_"Brittany, stop!"_ I screamed as I landed a punch on the side of her head. She retracted a little bit, enough at least that I could push at her chest. Her hips though, continued to keep me pinned.

_"No. I don't care what you do, nobody is coming for you and if they do, it will be too late." _With that she righted herself and stood at the bottom of the steps, blocking me from moving.

She reached over and hit the light switch so that we were plunged in darkness at the base of the stairs. I had no room to stand and so I crawled backwards up two stairs, suddenly understanding the urge to run up the stairs and hide under the bed.

Brittany was stronger but I was always faster and so I lifted my foot and kicked her stomach as hard as I could and didn't stop to look back as I scrambled up the steps towards my room.

I had the door shut and was seconds from locking it when she used her shoulder to bang it open.

* * *

What occurred after that was something that will stay with me forever.

She had me bent backwards over the bed with her hand under my nightgown quicker than I was able to understand. The look in her eyes was otherworldly and the gun, my God, the gun she had to my head as she plunged her hand into me, tearing me in two was so very cold.

_"I hate you."_ She grunted, her fingers pounding relentlessly as I panted in pain and pleasure._ "Look at you, getting off on this. It's not assault, Quinn. Say it!" _

I shook my head as the tears poured from me.

_"No." _I whimpered, breathless.

She pressed the gun deeper against me, I was praying to God that it didn't accidentally go off, praying that I would see my little girl again.

_"Say it. Tell me you want this. Say it."_ Her forehead rested against mine now, the smell of her faintly resembling Santana's and I sobbed louder. I could feel my body responding to her, I could feel the impending orgasm and then it all stopped.

_"No!" _I screamed.

Her hand pulled away just as I was on the cusp and I groaned with frustration. She pulled away and showed me her hand, it was drenched.

_"Tell me again how much you don't want this." _She chuckled as she held her fingers to my lips._ "Suck."_ She said, not even giving me a choice as she shoved two of her fingers in my mouth. I bit down and was rewarded with the tang of blood._ "You bitch!" _She screeched as she yanked her fingers back.

Blood covered her hand and I could see the humor leave her face. I dangled half off the bed as she stood between my legs, her left hand still holding the gun firmly to my temple.

I heard the click of the gun as she pulled the trigger and then another, her frustration raising with each empty shot and I laughed. Of course she would forget to load the gun, of course that was the only reason I hadn't screamed and she had known it.

_"Stupid, stupid Britt."_ I said, as I brought my hand up and shoved the gun away, I heard a click and then a bang, my window shattered as the bullet made contact.

* * *

I looked into her eyes and could see some of the fog clearing, she could have killed me. This wasn't a game. She looked down at me and then at her blood covered fingers and seemed to resolve herself to finishing what she started.

Her lips pressed against my face, her tears mingling with mine as she put her hand between my legs more gently. Her other hand, now gun free came to rest on my neck but she didn't apply pressure.

_"I know it hurts but you're strong, stronger than me and since you took her away from me, you owe me this." _She said, tears clogging up her nose and making her voice sound so young and innocent.

_"Or you could stop, we can walk away and never look back." _

_"I've gone too far. She'll never forgive me now." _She said, her fingers bringing me back to the brink. _"You were close before, at least you should feel something good." _

How can I begin to explain the strange way that she was making me feel? It was like being at war with both sides of her. Like one part of her wanted nothing but my happiness and affection. It was the side the Santana loved and I had become friends with.

My orgasm hit me hard, I arched into her and she just watched in awe, like she was seeing me for the first time.

_"Please?"_ I begged, not sure what I needed or wanted but knowing that I needed it bad.

_"I'm sorry for this, Quinn. I know...I know that I'm not good enough for her. I'm sorry for everything. I'm so sorry."_ She whispered, the truth of her apology in her eyes even if her fingers were still moving, still urging me to give her everything I had.

_"Please?"_ I begged again and she nodded, a new determination covering her face.

She brought her lips to mine and kissed me softly, her fingers making quick work of my next two orgasms. It was the closest thing to consensual and I hated myself for wanting it right then.

It was a murky, grey area that had me feeling violated and culpable at the same time.

Regardless of outcome, I knew that neither of us would be the same again.

* * *

**2 Weeks Later**

* * *

_"Quinn? Do you need me to repeat the question?"_

I was ruminating over the course list and had completely missed the question. I looked up at my grad adviser and nodded.

_"I'm sorry, this is just a really big step for me."_

_"That's perfectly fine. I've seen cases like yours before. Pre-Med or Pre-Law in undergrad and then come time for the next step, people find themselves trigger shy."_

My breath caught in my chest at her words, flashes of that night still fresh in my mind despite the quiet and soft way things ended, with her apologizing and then leaving me there...satisfied, sullied, and shamed.

I hadn't told a soul about it, instead, I caught the first flight to Philly and had been here ever since. I had no desire to go back to Lima and deal with the fallout, frankly, I wasn't even sure there was any.

My focus was on school and finding a place, very cognizant of my savings wearing away.

_"Undergrad was pretty saturated with everything focused on med school and now, I'm not so sure about what's next."_

_"Which brings us back to the question at hand. What makes you want to master in Psychology?"_

_"I've been through a lot, a teenage pregnancy, I was temporarily paralyzed, and I've dealt with..." _although it was getting easier to say, it still wasn't something I wanted to admit to a virtual stranger but I needed this interview to qualify for the program that I wanted._ "I've faced sexual abuse. I feel like I could really help some people."_

She sat forward at her desk and looked me over, I was wearing my best and my hair was perfect, I was the picture of white suburbia but something about my words had her attention.

_"I commend you for being honest. It's very hard to give voice to our struggles without breaking down." _If only she knew just how much it broke me on the inside to even think about what I'd been through.

_"Thank you." _I gave a small smile and returned my eyes to the course list. The program would give me enough time for Beth and the stipend would be enough to cover minor expenses.

_"Now, if you're accepted to the program, I want you to know that we require a weekly therapy session. Things come up in our classes and sessions that without some kind of outside professional interference, can be detrimental to our students. Would you agree to that?"_

I thought of Maribel and just how easy talking to her had been, it was how I wanted to be. She lived her truth and subsequently, so did Santana. It was admirable and now I could see why. She probably still saw a therapist in order to keep herself sane. I'd have to ask her about it.

_"Absolutely, I'll do whatever it takes."_

_"Good, in that case,"_ She held a hand out and I shook it._ "Welcome to the University of Pennsylvania and welcome to the program." _

* * *

_"So?" _I was pacing the side walk in front of my hotel as Lydia came onto the line.

_"I did it. I'm in!" _

_"Congratulations! I'm so excited! I wish Beth were with me, she'd be singing that song to you right now."_

_"What song?"_ I asked, even though I knew exactly which one. Beth had sung it for three days before her party.

_"You know the one, I'm so excited and I just can't hide it...I'm about to lose control and I think I like it...woooo."_ She sang.

My grin was so wide that it hurt my face. _"Thanks for that." _

_"No problem, so what time does your flight get in?"_

_"Seven. You haven't told her have you?"_

_"Nope. I'm going to drop her off for her play date with Alex and then you are coming with me to pick her up."_

_"Oh, she is going to sing the song for me...I'm the one that's excited now!" _

_"Yea?" _

_"Definitely, I'm also excited to see you again. I've missed you more than I realized that I would."_

_"Well that's because it's impossible not to miss me or love me."_

_"I never said love!" _I said as the airport taxi pulled up the curb.

_"Oh if you're not there yet, you will be! Just you wait and see Quinn Fabray, before you know it, you'll be all up on this!" _

I smiled to myself, even as a pang of longing shot through me. Lydia and the old Santana were so much alike that it had me missing that part of my friend and wishing that I could put these two amazing women into one body.

_"If you say so."_

_"Oh, I know so, Quinn. There's no avoiding it, Vincent and I are already betting on it!" _

_"No you're not!"_

_"Yes we are!"_ Vincent said from the background.

_"It's inevitable but if you happen to realize it in the next month, make sure you tell Vincent. He always been ambitious."_

_"Oh God."_ I was blushing so hard that the cab driver was looking back at me oddly. _"You two should be studied and also teach some classes on how to be happy divorced people."  
_

_"Oh darling, what we have can't be taught." _

_"Obviously."_

* * *

The further and the longer that I was away from Lima, the easier it was getting to act like none of the bad stuff had happened at all and I liked it that way. I knew that it would eventually come up but for now, I was doing my best to suppress it and focus on the bigger things.

Like my future with my little girl.

My flight to Lima and then to Philly, were spent drunk and stressed about the darkness but the flight from Philly to Laredo was very different. I slept for half of it and spent the other half planning out awesome things for me and Beth to do together.I was landing before I knew it and one step closer to seeing my little girl again. Nothing could be better than that.

Lydia stood at the top of the receiving line as I came out of baggage claim, she had two roses and a smile on her face. She must have been serious about getting me to fall for her and honestly she was off to a good start.

_"Hey there, sunshine!"_ She said, excitedly as she traded my suitcase for the roses. _"Your carriage awaits."_ She teased and I couldn't help but blush.

_"Hey."_ I said, leaning in and kissing her cheek before pulling away and following behind her. She had a skip in her step while I had Brittany on my brain. It shouldn't be that way but it's not that easy to forget even if I act like it is.

Somewhere in the recesses of my mind, Brittany still lingered, haunting my psyche like the ultimate big bad but I brushed it away. Assured that this last time she had scared herself more than she had scared me.

She wouldn't touch me again, not in a million years.

Lydia though, she was something completely different. What I felt for her couldn't touch Santana by a long shot but it was something acceptable and easy.

And while I knew that there was no way that I would date her, it still felt good to be wooed. It felt good to know that I wasn't completely undesirable and worthless.

I will be the first person to admit that Brittany had pulled some serious Jedi mind games on me. There was no way that I was ready to give myself to anyone else for the foreseeable future.

My heart belonged to Beth and Beth only.

* * *

The ride to Alex's house was mostly silent, Lydia spent it updating me on the custody hearing that brought me down here only two weeks after I left. Vincent had taken care of all the leg work and now I just needed to meet with the judge and lay out my plans to raise Beth as a single mother.

I would need to go to two hearings, one by myself and another with Beth and my references. Luckily for me, my references were the two people who had primary temporary guardianship of Beth. Lydia and Vincent.

They assured me that I had nothing to worry about but that doesn't mean that I wasn't still anxious. Seeing Beth though, would reinforce what I was fighting for.

Lydia had already prepped Alex's mom that I would be the one coming to the door, so after she peeked out the window to make sure it was me, she let Beth answer it.

The door creaked open and her head was turned as she yelled goodbye to Alex. I stood there holding out one of the roses that Lydia gave me and waited for her to see me.

Beth turned towards me and froze, her mouth hung open and tears came to her eyes.

_"Mama Q?"_ She squeaked.

_"Hey there, baby girl. Did you miss me?"_

She crooked her finger and I slowly bent forward, aware of the fading bruises on my back that still hurt if I moved to quickly. I braced myself but I was no match for Beth throwing herself into my arms full force. I was winded but I recovered quickly as I stood up with her clinging to me.

_"You came back."_ She said as I waved to Alex's mom before heading back to the car.

_"A promise is a promise."_ I said as I looked into her beautiful eyes.

_"Is that...that flower for me?"_ She asked as she pointed down at my other hand.

I brought it up to her nose and twirled it. She pulled her face back giggling.

_"This flower is for you. Do you like it?"_

_"Yes! It's yellow, my favorite color!" _

_"I know, Titi Lydia got me one too. A pink one." _

_"That's your favorite."_

_"Yup!" _

_"I love you, Mama Q. Thank you for coming back for me."_

_"I love you too, baby girl. I will ALWAYS come back for you."_

* * *

**2 Months Later_  
_**

* * *

It was the last week before classes started and I was putting the finishing touches on the apartment that Vincent and Lydia had insisted on helping me rent. It was overpriced for the amount of space that I got but a quick online check tells me that I got some serious bang for my buck.

Leaving Beth again had been much easier this time knowing that it would only be two days. I had so much to do but the movers that Vincent had hired had done most of the work for me before I had even arrived and because of that it took me only one day to get everything that I needed done.

It was early morning still when there was a knock on the door, I almost didn't answer but something told me that I really should but when I opened the door, I second guessed it.

I began to shut the door again but the disparate sound of her voice gave me pause.

_"Don't slam the door."_ Brittany said, a gift wrapped box in her hands._ "I promise, this will be the last time that I visit unannounced, I just...we just wanted to see your new place...please?"_

_"We?"_ I said, the chain keeping her from pushing inside, not that she was really trying.

_"Santana is parking the car. If you want me to wait out in the hall for her to come up, then I will."  
_

_"I would actually." _

The pain was written on her face and I was torn between feeling guilty and standing my ground. I knew that she was sorry but still, I knew what she was capable of.

_"Okay."_

_"Did you tell her?"_ I asked and she shook her head.

_"I didn't but...if you want me too...I'm so sorry." _She said, looking uncomfortable and nervous. _  
_

_"I know. I'm going to shut this door while you wait for her." _

_"Okay." _

* * *

I put coffee on and took a deep breath, leaned over the counter and folded my hands in prayer.

_"Father, I know it's been awhile and that I've just been off on my own. Just, please give me strength. I don't know what to do. I'm just so tired. I want to do things right. I want to be happy, I want your peace. Please get me through this. I need you." _

There was a knock on the door and I stood up and took a deep breath. Still unsure of whether or not I wanted to talk to Santana about what happened between me and Brittany. It just didn't seem like it was worth it.

Not yet at least.

I opened the door, this time without the chain and Santana stood there poised to knock again with a smile on her face.

_"Hey Q!"_ She wasted no time wrapping me in a hug, one that I was way too stiff to reciprocate. Aside from Beth, I hadn't really been accepting hugs and the main reason was still lingering in the hallway watching her wife (?) hug me.

Santana let go and then stepped past me, into the apartment. Her concern with her wife seeming slight as she began snooping.

_"So you two are working things out?"_ I asked as Brittany kept her head down and stepped past me. She was a far cry from the person who hovered over me and held a gun to my head.

I shut the door and took another deep breath before turning around. Brittany was sitting at the end of my sofa, quieter than I had ever seen her, watching and waiting for Santana to respond.

_"It's complicated. In fact, I wanted her to stay in the car because things were never resolved between the three of us but she insisted on coming up and now look at her...a zombie."_

It was a joke...at least I think it was but Brittany looked hurt by the comment.

Why did I feel bad for her?

What the hell was wrong with me?

* * *

_"You guys should have called."_ I found myself saying, no amusement in my voice whatsoever.

_"Damn. So a zombie and a frosty teen mom. I'm the luckiest girl in the world."_

_"Tell me that you didn't come all this way to be rude?"_ I snapped and Santana sighed, dropping onto the couch next to Brittany.

_"Let's start again. Brittany and I, despite that fucked up thing she did to you, are trying to make it work. She's a work in progress just like I am."_

_"Okay."_ I said, trying my best not to roll my eyes but I'm not sure I was successful. _"So what do I have to do with that?"_

_"Q, you left town very fast, you skipped my mom's 60th with not even a bullshit excuse and I think it has something to do with Brittany. She won't answer my questions about the stitches I paid for, the welts and scratches on her skin or where my gun is, I asked her if you could answer those questions and she got like this. She's been like this the whole drive from New York. Three hours of this Brittany and I know you have to have the answers. Otherwise I need to be even more concerned!"_

The pieces were clicking into place.

This wasn't a social call.

Santana wanted answers and a sick part of me felt bad for Brittany...

_"I think she should be the one to tell you."_

Santana turned towards Brittany, her eyes squinting, _"So it did have something to do with you? What did you do, Brittany?"_

Brittany dropped her face in her hands and her shoulders began to shake.

And that's when words my mother had told me back when she wanted me to forgive my sister for something appeared in my mind,

**_"Forgiveness, Quinnie, is sometimes more for the person doing the forgiving than the person that that they are trying to forgive."_ **

Every instinct told me to let Santana tear Brittany to shreds but then there was the Christian in me that wanted to shield her.

_"You know what, San, I've already let it go and if you want to make things work with Brittany, even if it's bad enough that you drove her here, I think that you need to let it go too." _

_"What? That doesn't even make any fucking sense!"_

_"For me it does, just drop it."_

_"Maybe if I knew what the fuck happened!"_

_"It doesn't matter...I just want to move on." _Santana was glaring at me in disbelief and I didn't blame her.

_"No Quinn, I need to be honest..." _Brittany said, dropping her hand to her lap and turning sad eyes to Santana who only seemed angrier at the sight of fresh tears on Britrany's face.

_"Great, fuck what Quinn says, lets put it all out there, B."_

* * *

_**A/N: Insert evil cliffhanger laugh...mwhahahahahaha**  
_


	29. Chapter 29:My Plague

_**A/N: JoJo says that I need to lighten up...I say...psshhh you chicas can handle a little more darkness! I promise after this you'll all get little flashlights so you can find your way out, thank JoJo for the song, she thought Metallica wasn't dark enough so Slipknot it is...Also...I've been updating so much lately, you're welcome.**_

* * *

**My Plague (Slipknot)**

* * *

_"You don't have to do this, B."_

She looked up at me, finding recognition in my words at the same moment that I did. Even if I was working on letting it go, she wasn't there yet. There was a spark of anger in her eyes and it had me wondering if this was all an act.

The hairs on my neck started to raise as we stared at each other, sharing something dark and I was filled with shame as her words, ones I had suppressed so well came to the forefront.

I swallowed back the lump in my throat and turned away from them. Santana's eyes were on my back but I just kept walking towards the kitchen, not wanting to hear another word.

_"Don't leave Q, I need her to be honest with me, how am I supposed to know she's being truthful if you can't hold her to it?"_

I turned around, feeling my anger heat up hotter than it had in years.

_"So fuck the way I feel? Fuck the anxiety and depression that comes with reliving what your wife did to me? I don't give a flying motherfuck how honest she is with you Santana. I care about myself and being sane when my daughter gets here and this isn't helping!"_

_"Don't make me out to be the bad guy here, I'm not the one that hurt you!"_ Santana stood to her feet, ignoring Brittany and coming towards me like she wanted to shake some sense into me but I was beyond pissed and unless she wanted me to slap her, she needed to back up._ "I'm trying to fix this!"_

_"You can't fix this, Santana. You can't give me back the peace of mind that I used to have around either one of you. She violated me! She fucking raped me, Santana, she put that gun to my fucking skull and nearly killed me! Do you understand now? Is that what you want to hear?!" _I snapped, my fist clenched at my sides as I practically screamed at her.

_"Q?" _She whispered.

_"What? Can't figure out how to fix me?"_ My voice broke as the tears released and my face got hot. The last thing I wanted for Brittany to see me cry.

* * *

She stood there, her mouth slightly open as she took in what I said, she reached out to comfort me but I slapped it away.

_"Don't you dare!" _I said, taking a step back, my arms crossed over my chest in an attempt to shield myself from her.

Brittany was on her feet in the next moment, this time it was her reaching out for Santana but she stood there frozen, her eyes still on me,_ "I'm sorry, Q. I shouldn't have..." _

_"We should go." Brittany muttered, pulling at Santana's shoulder._

Santana turned on Brittany and glared._ "Why didn't you tell me? You had months and then the three hour drive. You let me come here and bring her down. That's unforgivable."_

_"I know."_ She said, her eyes dry as she glanced towards me.

_"No! Don't you even look at her! You don't deserve to be in her presence, let alone look at her. I'm driving you home and then we are done, B. You hear me?" _

_"I know." _She mumbled._ "I'm sorry, Quinn. I really am."_

_"Get out." _

_"Q?" _San said again but I was inconsolable and just wanted to be alone.

_"Get the fuck out and don't you dare come back here. I don't want either one of you around me or Beth."_

I pointed a shaky hand towards the door, not surprised that Brittany moved first, relieved to get out of there but Santana, bless her heart wouldn't just leave me like that.

_"I don't want to leave you like this, Q." _

_"Too fucking bad. Take her and your drama and go as far away from me as humanly fucking possible." _

* * *

I wanted to crumple after they were gone or throw a fit at least but it just didn't feel logical. I'd been through enough bad shit to know that breaking down over it and throwing a tantrum didn't fix anything.

And so I did the next best thing, I called Maribel.

_"Quinn! It's so good to hear from you."_

_"She brought Brittany here."_

_"Santana did?"_

I let out a shaky sigh. _"The night before I left, she came to my house and...things were worse than the first time. She had a gun to my head but when it went off...she...something clicked and she stopped acting so insane. In the end...I wanted it. To get off but now...I know what it was. I tried to forgive her, you know so I'm not carrying it around but then Santana...she brought her **here** unannounced. I know it's a lot to just blurt out but I had to say it before I lost my nerve. I'm sorry."_

_"Where's Beth?" _

_"She doesn't get here until the day after tomorrow."_

_"Good. Are you stable, do you need me to come to you?"_

_"No. I just...I feel so many different things, Maribel and I don't trust myself right now. I don't think I'm in a very good place."_

_"I need you to find something to focus on, I'm going to book a flight as soon as I can. You shouldn't be alone. Can you call Noah or Jake?"  
_

_"I can do that. You don't have to come here."_

_"I do. My daughter is a fool for that girl and I just see why but I'm not going to let you bring yourself down because she isn't in her right mind."_

_"Thank you."_

_"Call Jake, see if he can come sit with you. Please?"_

_"Okay. thank you, Maribel."_

* * *

Jake lived across the city but he made it to me in under than twenty minutes, his eyes wide and nervous as he looked me over.

I had left the door open and was on my third cigarette by the time he got to me, thankfully, my eyes were drier than the desert.

_"Hi." _I sighed and he just stood there, not sure what to do. Our bond hadn't really had a chance to form, so he was probably terrified to move.

_"I brought you food." _He said, holding up a plastic bag and chopsticks. "_Puck says you have a weakness for Bacon Pad Thai."_

The tears flooded my eyes and a serious of hiccups formed. I looked up at him and nodded even though I was quickly becoming hysterical.

_"Um, okay, my mom used to have these moments. I get the plates, do you have wine? I'm not much of a drinker but I know it goes well with Thai food. Kitty loved it."_

I let out a harsh laugh and he gave me a soft smile before going off in search of plates and wine.

He returned with a wine glass and an already opened bottle of red wine that I had in the fridge.

I watched, tears still silently trailing down my face as he laid out the food and wine for me before sitting down across from me and turning on the television.

He didn't say a word as he found a show and sat back quietly. It took me a moment but I slowly began to eat, the food taking the place of the comfort that I so badly craved from Beth.

If only, temporarily. Jake after all, could only do so much.

* * *

_"Aren't you going to ask?"_ I said to him after time had passed and my food was long gone.

He turned his head and smiled softly.

_"I've learned that a woman will talk when she's ready and so, if you want to tell me what's going on, I'm here but if you can't then I understand. I'm not offended, I'm just glad you called."_

_"My God, how are you and Noah from the same branch?"_

_"Different mothers, different life experiences."_

_"Yea, you're right. Don't tell him I said this, but you could teach him a few things."  
_

_Jake let out a huge laugh and nodded, "I'm sure I could but we both know, he's more of a softy than he likes to admit."_

_"Yea, he and I have that in common."_

_"Among other things." He said, as he picked up a picture of Beth. "She's a great kid, you two are blessed to have her."_

_"I know."_

He looked like he wanted to say something but thought better of it. Smart guy. Finally, he turned back towards the television and left me to my thoughts.

* * *

Maribel got to me about three hours after Jake had arrived, kept me company, cleaned my dishes and waited while I fell asleep.

I woke up to her hovering over me, her hand brushing my hair out of my face.

_"Hi Mi'ja."_ She said, a gentle smile on her face.

_"How long was I out?"_ I grumbled as I sat up on the couch, looking around for Jake.

_"I sent him home, he says you were out for an hour. How are you feeling? Is that cigarettes I smell?"_

Guilt surged through me as I nodded and pulled my feet up onto the sofa. I was balled up and feeling guarded.

_"I stopped when Jake got here. I know I shouldn't have, that it's not good for her but I couldn't think of any other way to calm down."_

_"No more, though, right?"_

_"There's a pack in there."_ I said, pointing to the small chest that sat on my coffee table.

Maribel shot a glare at the chest and then wrapped me in her arms, serving as the mother that I needed right then, even if it was her daughter that helped put me in this state to begin with.

_"Well, I'll be disposing of those because getting Cancer is not going to help you or Beth."_

_"I know, I know." _

_"Good."_

* * *

**_A/N: I wanted to write more after that 5000 word chapter but honestly, I need to move on from this moment right here. So another time jump is at hand...You know the drill...I'll be back for errors and bonus content...because if you haven't noticed, each time I go back to edit, I add things to the chapters._**

_**Start again and see what you're missing...I dare you!** _


	30. Dirty 30:Every You, Every Me

_**A/N: Your reviews made me come back first thing this morning to write a Santana POV because honestly, I was going to time jump. I was going to jump like 3 years but then...you were so fucking passionate, which is what I want from you. All of you! **_

_**...also, these chapter songs are things I loop as I write the chapters...sometimes, they take me to other places...very dark ones. Yes, I CAN get darker than I have...I'm still not sure yet how much you can take.**_

_**Onward and Forward.**_

* * *

**Every You, Every Me (Placebo)**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

_"You need to be in jail. God only knows why she hasn't had you arrested yet."_

_"Because...it wasn't assault. I didn't rape her."_ Brittany said, calmly as she stared at the road in front of us. My grip on the steering wheel was shaky, I wanted to drive us into oncoming traffic, I wanted to skin her alive. What the fuck had I done to her?

_"Did she tell you to stop? Did she cry? Did she say that she wanted you? At any point?"_ It was taking everything in me to stay calm but I knew that she knew that I wanted to strangle her.

_"No." _

_"Then it was sexual ASSAULT. It was rape. You raped our BEST FRIEND and for what? Did you think that would make me stay with you? Did you think that it would make you seem stronger, smarter, sexier in my eyes? What the fuck were you trying to prove?"_

_"How do you think it feels to know that I come second to her? That you would have asked her to marry you if you knew that she would have said yes."_

_"Who the fuck cares? I asked you! I fought, I fight for you Brittany! I fight for us, for this but after what you've done...I'm not sure I even want to be on the same planet as you are!"_

_"You don't mean that."_ She squeaked and it made my breasts hurt, my hurt ache, and my fist fly as I swung wildly at her. The car began to to swerve as I made contact with her skin and so I returned my hand to the wheel. I was seeing red but I needed to pay attention or we would both die in this car.

She was crying now, not the fake shit that she did at Quinn's but the real thing.

Good!

My mother would KILL me if she knew that I hit Brittany but I didn't care. Someone needed to beat her ass, why shouldn't it be ME!

_"You were faking those tears for Quinn's benefit. I could see her trusting that you weren't a threat. I could see her feeling sorry for YOU! It makes me sick!"_

* * *

I was biting at my nails as this chick snored in the passenger seat. We were almost back home, which terrified me. I had to end this marriage but I was afraid to. Brittany had already proven that leaving her to her own devices without my supervision was dangerous._  
_

On top of that, she now knows where Quinn lives and I have no one to blame for that but myself. I was in a rage when I drove to Philly, it hadn't even occurred to me that Brittany shouldn't know. I just didn't think that she would attempt that shit a second time.

It was all weighing on me. How the hell could I stop her?

There had to be a way to convince Quinn to press charges, that would be the only way that something might stick. I mean, that guy, Beth's uncle is a lawyer.

Maybe calling him will be what it will take but I was terrified of stepping foot near anything pertaining to Beth. If I mess that up, Quinn will never forgive me and I would never forgive myself.

_"Are you still mad?"_ Brittany said, her voice groggy from her loud ass nap. How does she turn the stupid questions on so fast?

_"I'm NEVER going to stop being mad. This is unforgivable, Britt. I always thought it would be me that would lead us to divorce, never in a million years did I think it would be you."_

_"She forgave me. Why can't you?"_

_"Bullshit, she forgives you. She's just as selfish as I am, that was for her own benefit because it's a lot to carry. It had nothing to do with you!"_

_"She forgave me that night. I saw it, she begged me at the end. She was moaning please. It reminded me of you." _She said, a giggle following her words.

My stomach lurched and I knew that if she didn't stop, I'd throw up.

_"That doesn't change what you did to her. It doesn't change getting a divorce. You need help, Brittany."_

_"Help? Why?"_

_"Are you fucking with me?" _I glanced at her and she was smiling, this bitch was looking at me, her eyes shinning and smiling. My nerves were taut as I saw the bruise forming on her chin from where I made contact.

_"No. What are you looking at?" _She pulled down her sun visor and looked in the mirror, seeing the bruise that I had given her._ "Oh wow, I could have you arrested for this."_

_"What?" _

_"Domestic abuse. I could have you thrown in jail and then I could turn this car around." _She had a wickedness to her that I hadn't seen before, one that had only been described to me by people that swore that Brittany was more than what she seemed.

Like the neck-brace wearing Cheerio, Jordan, the one who always seemed to hurt herself when Brittany was her base and she said it was because Brittany came on to her and she turned her down...or when she released our sex tape because I wanted too much attention, or forced me to come out and then stayed with Artie.

Right down to when my father said he saw her kick our family dog. She's denied it and I've believed her but to this day my father won't speak to her because of it.

Now the red flags are waving, the lights are all on and I'm seeing things much clearer. Who the hell had I married?

* * *

By the time that I found parking and we were out the car, Brittany had two full fledged bruises on her face. One on her chin and one by her ear. The one by her ear quite blatantly a fist mark.

I should have known better, she bruises like a peach after all.

_"So what's it going to take?"_ I asked as we made our way to my third floor apartment.

_"What do you mean?"_ She asked as she unlocked the door and then tossed the keys on the counter.

I slammed the door behind me and then blocked her exit, knowing that she would probably begin to pack, wanting to get as much distance between us as possible since I was feeling violent.

_"What will it take for you to leave Quinn alone?"_ I asked, ready to give her anything, if it meant that she kept her hands to herself.

She thought it over for a second, her hands busy with throwing things in her travel bag. Her dorm room was ready anyway, so this was coming, it just didn't need to happen until move in day tomorrow.

_"That's a lot to ask, I've really come to like how she looks when she has an orgasm, it's like watching an angel fly for the first time. I see why you love her so much."_

Even in that moment, I knew exactly what she meant. Quinn could take your breath away with a look but in that moment, when she's surrendering to the feeling of an orgasm, it's like living in darkness all of your life and finally seeing the sun. Like ice water in hell.

Brittany was watching my expression and for the first time, I watched her indifference turn to jealousy. It was all me, I was the reason she thought she needed to control Quinn and so now I needed to be the reason that she forgot that Quinn existed.

I couldn't be with her, shit right now I'm not even worthy to think that I could, but I could and would protect her.

_"Leave her alone and I will give you whatever you want, Britt. Anything in the world."_

She smiled and then her face dropped as she realized that for Quinn, I was willing to sacrifice my own happiness even.

* * *

_"No divorce. Quit modeling. Give me a baby. No talking to Quinn."_ She finally said. It felt like my wings were being clipped but then I thought of Quinn and the baby she was finally getting back and it seemed worth it.

_"And you promise me that we'll go to therapy, that you will never touch a gun again, and more than anything you will leave Quinn AND Beth alone?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Okay. No divorce. No Quinn for either of us. Right?" _She nodded._ "I'll call the agency right now...and then we can start working on a baby but know this, if I find out that you went behind my back to fuck with her and I'm already knocked up, I have no problem divorcing you and getting an abortion or giving the kid away. Understand?"_

I could see that my words had hurt her because it was okay that she was now a fucking rapist but God forbid I get an abortion, it was against everything she stood for but she nodded anyway.

_"I understand. Quinn doesn't exist anymore. Not to me or to YOU."_

_"Right. Let's keep it that way."_

_"I will if you will." _She teased, a slight grin on her lips.

_"No you will or I don't agree to any of your terms. I'm not playing games here. This is a serious matter. Don't fuck with me right now." _I snapped, ready to punch her again but restraining myself.

_"Do you want to use your phone or mine to call the agency?"_

* * *

Move-in day dawned with Brittany curled against me and my stomach in knots. I had sold my soul to a blue eyed devil.

How was I supposed to know that she'd stay on campus and not hitch a ride to Philly? I just couldn't trust it. I knew that Quinn liked her place but I was going to do everything I could to convince her to move, I just couldn't be the one to tell her.

I left Britt in the room and went out into the hall outside the apartment, she understood Spanish and so there really was no way for me to make the call without her knowing what I was going to say.

_"Hello?"_

_"Hi, Mami, Bendicion."_

_"Que Dios te bendiga. It's early, why are you calling me?"_

_"Can't a daughter call her mother? Are you mad at me?"_

_"Damn right, I'm mad at you Santana, what business did you have bringing Brittany here yesterday?"_

_"Here? What...wait...are you in Philly?"_ I asked, shocked that Quinn actually called my mom after I left.

_"Yes, you left this girl a wreck right before her daughter is supposed to be here. Why would you do that? I didn't give you the address for you to open the door for Brittany to come here whenever she pleases. Quinn told me what that pendeja did to her. Tell me you are going to do something about it."_

_"I am."_

_"Does that something involve divorce?"_

_"No. I'm going to stay with Brittany, we are going to try for a baby actually."_ I said, feeling nauseous at the thought of tying myself down further with my psycho wife.

_"Santana, I swear on your brother's grave, may he rest in peace, that if you have a baby with that girl, it's the last you will hear from me."_

_"Mami...let me explain." _

_"No. There is no reason for you to stay with her. She should be locked up!"_

_"Yo se."_

_"Tu sabes, pero what the hell are you doing?"_

_"I'm protecting her."_

_"Hamas! How is staying married to that imbecile protecting anyone?"_

_"We have an understanding...just...maybe Quinn should move."_

_"Of course, thanks to you!"_

_"Mami, please, it's been a hard 24 hours. I'm tired and numb."_

_"I don't know who you are anymore, mi'ja. You are not the strong willed, honorable little girl that I raised. I have always taught you to do the right thing but staying married...deciding to get pregnant because you think you are protecting someone?"_

_"I am!"_ I yelled, tears fighting to surface but my pride keeping them tamped down. The phone lifted from my hand right then and I froze.

* * *

Brittany ended the call and then looked at me, fire burning in her eyes.

_"Do we need to have another talk before I leave?"_ She asked, her eyebrow raising in a challenge.

_"No, B. I just...Quinn should move. It will keep us both honest. I couldn't tell her that, so I was hoping my mom would."_

_"From the sounds of it, that's not all you talked about. Let that be the last time you talk to her about what happens in our marriage. I can't deal with another person coming between us."_

I looked into her eyes and understood how happy couples end up with one killing the other.

_"You're right, B. It won't happen again."_

_"Good...sooo...I was thinking pancakes. Want some?"_ She said, her anger turning to happiness like a change in the wind.

God have mercy on me because I had definitely sold my soul.

* * *

**_A/N: This is your reward for the amazing reviews. Can you see the Santana I see? From Quinn's POV she seemed stupid but we have to have some faith in our girl...she is married to a sociopath after all. Love you chicas!_  
**


	31. Chapter 31:Tear In My Heart

**_A/N: What was that? You need a tiny break from the dark? Ugh...fine! Here. Take it and enjoy!_  
**

* * *

**Tear In My Heart (Twenty One Pilots)**

* * *

I cradled Beth in my arms as we stood in the bathroom with the hot shower on. She was wheezing against my neck, waiting for the medicine to kick in. She'd been off of the plane for all of two hours and was already sick as could be.

_"Looks like she's asleep, she usually conks out once the medicine is in her system. I'm sorry that this is your first night but I'm glad that I'm here to see you through it."_

_"Thanks."_ I said to Lydia as I hummed to my baby girl.

_"No problem. Asthma is hard on kids and flying can really make it worse so lets not put her on a plane for awhile."_

_"Yea, definitely."_

_"How are you feeling in your new place? I think you picked a good one."_

I nodded, trying not to think of my morning visitors from a few days ago. Maribel had tried to convince me to move but I refuse to hop around every time Brittany so much as knows the block that I live on.

The buck has to stop somewhere. Besides, I think I will be way more alert and protective now that Beth was under my roof. I was going to do my best to protect her and there was no way that I would allow someone like Brittany near my baby girl.

* * *

I crawled in bed and wrapped myself around my little girl, her nebulizer and all her Asthma accouterments in an arms reach and held her close.

It had only been just under three days and she seemed like she had been sick ages.

"You know, you should really let her sleep. The last thing that you need is to get sick right along with her. I made you some tea, come out the living room and sit with me?" Lydia asked, looking concerned.

When Maribel had left me this afternoon, saying that she needed to get home because of an emergency, I thought I had gotten off scotch free. I thought that maybe I could get away from talking about what had happened but I had left Lydia in the dark for way too long and she deserved to know.

Even if I didn't want to look damaged in front of her. If there was ever going to be a chance between us, I wanted her to see me as pretty damn perfect for as long as I could but that didn't seem to be in the cards for us.

I had to be okay with that. This wasn't something that I chose to go through, none of it was.

* * *

_"So that's pretty much it."_ I said as I sat back on the couch and finally got around to drinking my now lukewarm tea. Lydia sat on the other end of the couch, staring at me wide eyed and looking pale._ "Are you okay?"_ I asked, after her silence was getting too loud.

_"Fuck asking if I'm okay, are you?"_ She sat forward, put her tea down and scooted closer to me, her bent leg the only thing between us. _"And it's not just because I'm leaving my favorite little person with you, I really care about you Quinn and that is so much to have on your shoulders and in your heart."_

I nodded and swallowed dryly, not wanting the disgusting tea that I didn't have the heart to tell Lydia that I hated.

_"I know. The terrible part about it is that even though it happened just few months ago, the more I tell it, the more it feels like it happened to someone else. It's not like I see her every day, it's when I SEE her that I start to remember."_

_"But you said you hear her voice in your head...calling you those names?"_ She asked looking my face over, trying to see if there was any traces of the hurts that I had suffered.

_"All the time, I've just mastered turning the volume down really low. If I keep busy, it's easy to cover the noise with other things."_

_"So you're running away from it...or at least...you're trying to?"_

_"Are you trying to shrink me?"_ I asked, not quite able to hold back a smile.

She shrugged and actually blushed. _"My undergrad was Child Psychology but a lot of it is the same. Burying your emotions isn't good at any age. You aren't going to be able to avoid her forever but you can learn to cope better when you see her."_

_"I think I did pretty good the other day. I didn't have a panic attack."_

_"Every time will be different. What happens when you have reunions at school? Are you just going to avoid them?"_

_"It's worked for me thus far...and that was before any of this happened."_

She nodded, wanting to say more but I could tell she was holding back.

_"I wish that you had told me that day, I would have whooped her ass right in that amusement park."_

I rolled my eyes. _"Yea, well that is the last thing that I wanted at Beth's party." _

_"I know but still...I could have taken her to the side, out of eyesight of Beth and taken care of her."_

_"Well you know, hindsight is 20/20. We can't always go back. Trust me, I've tried."_

* * *

I fell asleep with my head in Lydia's lap, her stroking my hair and humming to me. I could tell that singing wasn't her thing but at least the tune was nice.

When I woke up, it was to her scooting from under me. I lifted up and she looked at me with a gentle smile.

_"I tried so hard to let you sleep...she's just been coughing for a few minutes and I realized it's time for another breathing treatment. Now that you're up, you want to give it to her? I'll walk you through it."_

The first time around, Lydia had helped Beth with the machine but now that she was going to be my responsibility full time, it was good to know.

I followed Lydia into the bedroom that I had picked for Beth, that was painted in shades of blues and yellows. She was sitting up, her eyes half open, staring at the nightlight that was making pretty shadows on the ceiling with a smile on her face.

_"Hey bunny, your Mama Q here wants to help us breath...we are going to show her how to help, okay?"_ Lydia said as she sat on the edge of the bed.

Beth nodded and squeaked out a response that I couldn't really understand.

I could see her smile turn to pain as she tried to speak and Lydia nodded, whispering back to her softly.

_"Try not to talk to much, I'll show her, you just keep being my best patient. Okay, Bunny?"_

Beth nodded again and rested back against the pillows, closing her eyes. It killed me to see her like this and it made me wonder what I could have done different when I was pregnant to prevent this kind of thing.

_"Stop blaming yourself and get over here."_ Lydia said as she pulled the medicine out of the side drawer.

She handed me the plastic mask that had the medicine container attached and proceeded to walk me through the steps and encouraged me to go as quickly as possible.

I was a nervous wreck but I manged to get it done, feeling a sense of accomplishment once I slipped the mask over Beth's head.

She looked like a little pilot, all she needed was some aviators and she'd be all set. I was tempted to get her some just for these moments.

Anything to make it less stressful for her.

* * *

That night, once I got Lydia settled in what was becoming my very busy guest room, I made my way back to Beth, just to check on her because Lydia had sacred me about getting sick.

When I pushed the door open though, she was laying there with her eyes open and a soaked pillow.

_"Hey? Why are you crying?"_ I asked and she looked at me for only a second before her face crumpled up.

_"I..."_ She said and then took a deep breath...or attempted to. _"Accident."_ She said and then more tears came._ "Potty. Too far."_ And then more tears.

_"Oh hunny, it's fine. That's okay. I'll get you cleaned up!"_ I said, happy to actually be able to do something for her. _"I'll be right back!"_

I rushed into the bathroom and ran the water for a bath and put a few bubbles in for her. When I got back, she hadn't moved an inch but her tears seemed to be drying up a bit.

Once I got her settled in the tub, I knocked on the guest room and asked Lydia for some assistance getting her room cleaned up while I bathed her. Happy also, to be up and moving around, we fell back into a wordless grove.

One that I had always envied between Brittany and Santana, I saw that it was more about just being intuitive.

Something I was sure only smart people had but then again...Brittany was an idiot savant.

I bristled when I found myself thinking about the two of them while I got Beth tucked back into bed.

Lydia was right...this wasn't something that I could push down and ignore. I was going to have to deal with these feelings, sooner rather than later.

* * *

**_A/N: That was soooooo hard. Drama is just so much easier to write. My goodness. I'll be back for errors...eventually. Oh and about Santana I love her, bless her heart but I really think she didn't fully believe Quinn after the first time. Something about actually SEEING Brittany be so two faced and evil hit home for her.  
_**

**_People do dumb things for the people that they love. Plain and simple._**


	32. Chapter 32:Misunderstood

_**A/N: I have written many versions of Santana, coke head, teen mom, record producer, international pop star, split personality, gun wielding desperado...and despite the hate that she's getting in this story, this version of her might just be my favorite. So in honor of her, Quinn will be off living her life while I rescue my girl from the spitfire.I ask your patience and if you need a breather, I suggest you read my story Fall. It's probably my least problematic. **_

_**Thank you for your reviews, good, bad, and anon...I appreciate you chicas caring so very much about Quinntana, Beth, Santana and THIS story. **_

_**The following song is on behalf of Santana and to a lesser extent...me. Enjoy!**_

* * *

**Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood (Nina Simone)**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

_"And then she hung up on Mami, who now refuses to take my calls, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do about it. I miss her, Mami has never gone this long without talking to me." _

Papi nodded, his normally slicked back grey hair looking frayed, like he had spent the last few hours running his fingers through it. He looked more tired than I felt and I had the sinking feeling that he was getting sick again but this wasn't the time or place to ask him about it.

_"I know, Tata...I know. She came to my house and ranted for two hours about how disrespectful you had been to her. You've been so wrapped up in that girl who kicked my dog,"_ Cue my eye roll because seriously that was five years ago!_ "that I wasn't sure you'd make it back here today."_

_"I'd never miss today, Papi. It's like a family holiday...only it's not really a celebration, is it?"_

_"Hasn't been for a long time." _He said and then pushed his hand through his hair and put his head back on the headrest._ "She's not normally this late. You should call her." _

_"Do I have to?"_ I groaned as I pulled out my phone.

_"Normally, you come here with your mom. She loves you, Tata, even if right now it seems like she is siding with Quinn." _I opened my mouth to respond but he held his hand up and continued._ "I know that you are also on Quinn's side but like I've told you before, you come up with these plans in your head and want people to silently understand why do what you do and say the things that you say. People don't work like that. They only judge based on what they see. It's all face value. We forget that to err is human. Your mother will always be on your side, first. She knows how you feel about that girl and so she is loving her extra on the strength of you."_

_"I know."_

_"Do you?"_

_"Of course, Papi! Mami cares about my friends and her patients but not enough to fly over a thousand miles."_

_"See, her going off and cleaning up YOUR messes proves she cares about you."_

_"I know, I know."_

_"Yea, yea, you and your mother know everything. Now, make the call."_

_"Fine." _I groaned.

* * *

_**I cannot let you make today about you. It's my son's birthday and I would rather be there alone. I'll go by myself after you leave. Cuidate y Dios te bendiga.-Mami**_

For the first time in my life, my mother was not coming to the cemetery with us, at least not while I was there and she told me so after ignoring my call and shooting me text in response.

How rude is that?

It made me angry because despite what Papi said it didn't seem like Mami was on my side.

_"Come on, lets go visit your brother. I don't want you to miss your train back to the city."_

_"Okay."_

I tried to suppress the rejection by my mother today, our family remembrance of my older brother...a day we have been honoring and remembering the same way since as far back as I could remember.

It had been a week since I had last spoken to her, a week since Brittany hung up on her.

I was naive to think that today of all days, she would put her anger aside in order to focus on my brother but I guess there was a line in the sand and I had to begrudgingly respect that.

* * *

The polished stone was showing some definite signs of wear after twenty five years of snow and rain but the picture that sat there with Anthony's perky little face, seemed to be just as new as the day it was put on the stone.

He looked more like Mami with fairer skin and an easy smile, while I took after Papi in looks and temperament. A perpetual scowl seemed to be easier than smiling for us and today of all days, they etched even deeper.

Anthony was their honeymoon baby who learned to play guitar by five and brought them nothing but joy before the Cancer snatched him away at the age of seven. This was the most that knew about him because my parents refused to talk about him on any day but today.

I had been their replacement baby, the one that was supposed to help them cope with losing their golden child but it seemed that I had been nothing but a disappointment as of late and I knew that a lot of that had to do with Brittany and how poorly I dealt with what she did to Quinn.

Quinn, the bruised and broken product of Russell's abuse, who had spent countless nights with us as a teenager, had been hurt by the one person they had begrudgingly accepted into their family.

They were taking the rapes very personal and honestly, it didn't surprise me much. In fact, there are times that I'm pretty sure that if Quinn had been their daughter, teen pregnancy and all, they would have still loved her more than they love me because she was a survivor like them.

Teen pregnancy, no sweat, she bounced back. Broken back, pssshh, bitch was walking by prom. Missed school because she was a skank, no big deal Yale still wanted her. One of the hardest colleges in the nation, yea right, she did it in three years and was now talking about being a doctor while raising the kid that she essentially loaned to Shelby.

She was flawless. Not even Brittany could break her, even if she_ thinks_ that she did.

Against Quinn, B doesn't stand a chance but I chose her. I decided to go for first love, for the person who chased me. A love that has always accepted me as I am and never pushed me to be something I'm not. Shit, come to think of it, if I step out of my box, she is always the first one to tell me to stay in my lane.

And its making me resent her even more, if that's even possible after she did such despicable things.

* * *

The rain started to come down and so Papi tried to steer me back to the car but I refused.

_"Just leave me here. Please?"_

_"In the rain?"_

_"There's a tree over there...I'll stand under it. Please, Papi. I just...I'm not ready to go yet."_

_"Tata...you'll get sick."_

_"I already am sick, sick of the way you guys favor everything over me!"_ I snapped, not even sure where that thought had come from. His face was filled with disappointment as he looked at me in disbelief.

Hadn't I **just** been worried that HE was sick again. What the hell is wrong with me?

_"Oh stop the pity party, Santana. Marrying her was foolish and you regret it. She's blackmailing you but YOU let her. You went on and on about OTP and spent my money on those ridiculous hats but WE supported you. WE were there for you and didn't complain once. We love you despite the things you do and who you are. Stop making stupid choices and your life will start to be something worth living. Now lets go."_

_"Aww, Thanks, Papi. How do I go about my life each day without your penchant for good advice? How do I survive in the big bad city without you and Mami riding my ass every single day? Why can't you guys stop worrying about the kid that's dead and worry about the one who is alive for once!"_ I snapped back.

I watched silently, fuming over my life, taking it out on him still. He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. I could tell he wanted to walk away from me but that wasn't how we operated.

_"Excuse me?"_ His nostrils flared as he took in my words. Red flags were waving, alarms were signaling for me to back off but I couldn't stop myself.

_"You heard me, I didn't stutter."_ I had the nerve to say. It was like an out of body experience.

Who the hell did I think I was talking to?

I had crossed a big line and I knew it, I expected him to put me in my place.

Maybe that's why I had picked a fight.

* * *

I swallowed my nausea as I crossed my arms over myself, the hot summer rain feeling sticky against my skin as all the product dripped from my hair. I was crying but it was probably hard to tell.

The rain soaked his clothes as he stood there with a hand rested on the tombstone of his first born as he glared at me.

This was not what he wanted to be doing but he still was because he was as dedicated to me as he was to saving lives.

I knew it, it had always been obvious but that didn't stop me from being a brat. This was so obviously a cry for help and attention after feeling rejected by Mami but it backfired.

Big time.

_"This is what's going to happen Santana," _Full first name...bad sign._" from here on out you get no more money from me or your mother. Maybe then you will see just how much we carry you AND Brittany. Lets see how long you last when you see how hard it is to get by without our worry and concern. Lets see how you maintain that ocean view, $1600 a month rent for that little 1 bedroom in Queens without me."_

_"You don't mean that. There is no way that you would cut me off, not when I'm all you have left!"_ I said, feeling hollow and numb.

There was no way he could be serious...no way!

_"If this..."_ He took my hand and held it up so that my wedding band is gleaming. _"version of you, this married, disrespectul fool that you have become, blind to the sociopath in the bed that I paid for, is the daughter that I have left. The child who is becoming a ungrateful, disloyal, and selfish individual, is the alternative to this child that I buried."_ He said looking down at the tombstone and then back at me. _"Then I would rather him than you."_

_"Papi...I didn't mean any of it...come on, Mami is already mad, you can't turn on me."_ I begged but he just shook his head.

_"You turned on me and HIM first, get in the car, let me take you to the train. Brittany is probably wondering how you got off your leash."_

_"That's low, she knows why I'm here, she knows it's important."_

_"I don't fucking care what she knows! I don't care what she thinks. I care that she is undermining the person that me, Maribel, and your abuela has raised. I don't care that you love women, I care that you love her." _He snapped, shocking me with his abrasive language. I climbed into the car, feeling like I had just had my ass handed to me. Which is definitely not something I'm used to from my father ever.

_"Papi...I'm sorry." _

_"Apology not accepted. Hopefully the next time you come home, you'll have dropped this insolent behavior and remembered that in THIS family, respect isn't an option, it's a guarantee. Don't bite the hand that feeds you, Santana. You know better."_

The whole world had flipped upside down and as I sat there, reevaluating my dumb choices, I realized that the majority of it was my fault.

* * *

The rain had stopped by the time we got to the station, my train wasn't supposed to show up for another hour. We had planned to go to lunch after the cemetery but Papi couldn't get rid of me any faster if he tried.

I had stormed from the car, fully expecting my father to pull off and go about his way of cutting me off, not even bothering to look back or thank him for the ride. I thought he'd leave without a word.

It's what I would have done but he was smarter and more compassionate than me.

_"Here, drink this. You're shaking."_ Papi said, as he sat on the bench next to me.

I took the cup and saw my hand shaking worse than I had realized.

The coffee warmed up my chest more than usual.

I could taste the honey brandy that he loved so much and smiled to myself.

He sighed loudly and when I looked at him, I could see that he too was having some of this spiked coffee.

_"Do you have a bar in your car, Papi?"_ I teased, hoping he would at least reciprocate. He gave a tight smile that looked more like grimace.

_"I keep it in my trunk for extreme situations."_

_"We've definitely hit extreme then."_

* * *

_ "We all have our share of problems, we all deal differently but I will always be your father. Respect is not something I will compromise on."_

_"I know."_

_"What happened back at the cemetery...that was not my best moment."_

_"Mine either._" I admitted. _"I'm just so stressed out and I should not take it out on you or disrespect you. I didn't mean to do that. I love you and I'm sorry."_

_"I know."_

_"I'm so full of regrets, Papi. I don't want to add to them and it seems that I can't stop myself. I have good intentions, a bunch of them and I worry that I'm not making any of the right choices."_

_"You're too young to be so full of doubts and regrets. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Sometimes that just isn't enough. You need to make better decisions or your intentions mean nothing."  
_

_"I just don't know what to do, Papi. I screwed up big time and I don't know if I can fix it. The last thing I need is to bring a child into this world with her and God help me, I love her. She's ingrained in me and its hard to not see the girl I fell in love with when I look at her but I know that she's not that person anymore."_

_"That's obvious, Tata," _My heart soared, we were back to my childhood nickname._ "I think that you, as her wife, someone who vowed to love her in sickness and health, are doing more than your share. The problem with that idea is that, sometimes you have to love a person enough to let them go. Losing your brother was hard on me and your Mother, we tried to make it work. We had you but it was broken and we began to hate each other. She was smart enough to let me go...that way we focused our attention on you. That way, we saved our friendship."_

_"That's what I want. I want out but I don't want to lose her."_

_"You need to take yourself out of the equation if you ever plan to get that. She needs to be in a facility and you need to be moving on. Modeling, if that's what you want and establishing a future. If you can be friends remains to be seen but it's not healthy to go on like it is."_

_"But how can I do that. How can I fix her, other than doing what she wants?"_

_"You need to get to the root of the problem because I can guarantee that she's looking at it from that perspective, you hurt her and she's punishing you for that."_

_"She's punishing me for EVERYTHING ever."_

_"Are you still in love with her?"_

_"No."_ It was instantaneous. Something I probably wouldn't have been able to do just few months ago. _"Not anymore. I love who she was and what we had but no."_

_"Past tense."_

_"Yea, definitely past tense."_

_"Is there a potential to fix it, say she gets her head together, has some meds in her to level her out and she becomes more like the Brittany that you used to know, could you fall back in love with her?"_ He asked and this time, it took me a little longer to reconcile my thoughts with my heart but my answer hadn't changed.

_"No. There is no going back to that Brittany, I don't care what they do to fix her. Something is broken inside of her, irreparably. I look at her and I think of what she did to Quinn. Every time." _I choked up and had to take another drink just to calm my frayed nerves._ "It sickens me, what she did. I'm responsible for it. If I hadn't gone after Quinn or made my feelings so blatantly obvious, Brittany would have never gone after her."_

_"You can't fully blame yourself for her actions. There were better ways to handle your straying eyes but assault is not one of them." _

_"I know."_

* * *

_"She hasn't hurt you, has she?" _He asked, seeming like he wasn't even breathing as he waited for my answer.

_"No. never." _

He let out a giant sigh and chugged his coffee for a long second before putting it back down.

_"Good."_

_"Yea...at least there's that." _I said sarcastically.

He rolled his eyes and then launched into another statement.

_"The next obvious thing would be to ask how you feel about Quinn but really, you need to take a step back from her."_

_"I agree with that idea. She's got big things happening and that little girl has been through a lot. She needs the calm and the peace that only Quinn can give her."_

_"And you need to fix your marriage, whether that's ending it or getting Brittany help, what you do is up to you but for now, leave Quinn alone."_

_"I am. I'm not ready for her...being with her means getting my shit together, off loading baggage and being prepared to be a responsible adult. I'm not there yet and with Brittany off the rails, it would be foolish to try to make something happen with Quinn right now."_

_"Good, I'm glad to see that you're thinking clearer."_

_"At least when it comes to Quinn. I am definitely thinking, all the time. I don't want to bring my own child into the world because of how unprepared I am, there is no way, I'm going to jeopardize Beth."_

He put his arm around me and kissed my forehead, his lips lingering for a moment before he pulled away.

_"That's my girl."_

* * *

It felt good to have some kind of plan brewing in my mind after talking some of it out with Papi. The coffee was long gone and we had both gone silent as we thought through everything.

The time was wearing down and I knew I only had so much time to make things right.

_"I'm sorry for disrespecting you, Papi. I know you love me and that you care about me. This talk really helped me figure some things out."_

_"I'm glad."_

_"You and Mami have done a great job making sure that I have had everything that I've ever needed, even if that meant both of you working insane hours and I am grateful for that as well, so thank you."_

_"Hmmm."_ He said, chuckling to himself. _"I'm still cutting you off. Tata"_ He said, his voice sounding grave or maybe that's just how I heard it because when I looked at him, he was smiling.

_"Papi, come on?" _I begged.

_"The bank deposits are stopping after this month. That should hold you up and give you time to get a job."_

_"No job will give me enough to cover my rent and bills."_

_"Either stay a model or get two jobs, either way, in a month from now...the bills are due."_

_"But why are you doing this? Is this some lesson that I need learn?"_

_"No, I just think that Brittany knowing that you have a steady cash flow and that your apartment is paid for is giving her a false sense of security. She needs to know that you have to work for your living. The rent is paid for September so you have over a month to worry about paying for it."_

_"But she's not even living with me." _I argued.

_"But she expects you not to work and to have a place to call home, am I right?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Well, there you go. Now, if YOU need help, then we can talk about it privately but after today, I don't want any more of MY money or your mother's going to her. Agreed?_"

_"Agreed. Modeling has been fun and I still have a few jobs lined up that I had already been contracted on, so at least for now, while I search for what I want to do with my life, I can keep the lights on."_

_"Good."_

It hurt to be cut off, I admit that I've always been a bit of a spoiled rich kid, at least when it comes to my father and so the idea that a whole life of having an active bank account that that he has willingly maintained, is coming to an end is terrifying, even if I knew that he was doing it with a good reason.

* * *

_"Also, you need to talk to your mother and I mean, really talk to her about everything with no attitude. No disrespect. She deserves so much more credit than you're giving her."_

_"I know. I will."_

_"She'll tell me if you get smart with her. I'm going to tell her what I told you about money and about Brittany, I need you to promise me that you will let her have the rest of today to grieve and be pissed off. I will check in on her, make sure she's alright and then tomorrow I want you to call her and make things right. Understand?"_

The loudspeaker blared, signaling my train's arrival and we both stood. His gray goatee in line with my forehead as he kissed my hairline, pulling me into a deep hug.

_"I understand. I love you, Papi."_

_"I love you too, Tata. Call me when you get to the city, let me know you made it in one piece."_

_"Okay, call me after you talk to her, let me know she's alright?"_ I asked as we made our way towards the edge of the platform.

_"Yep. Now, go make some adult choices and just because I'm not funding you, doesn't mean you can't call me any time."  
_

_"I'm going to hold you to that."_

_"Good. Que Dios te bendiga!"_

_"Bendicion, Papi!"_

* * *

As I rode back to the city, I looked down at my phone, expecting a call or text from Brittany but instead if was Quinn who put the smile on my face._  
_

**_I know we are mad at each other right now but I didn't forget today. I hope you're taking care of yourself?-Quinn_**

**_I love you and I'm here for you, Santana. Always.-Quinn_**

I stared at the message for a long time, tempted to delete it, just in case Brittany saw my phone but then, I realized and really felt for the first time since I got married that I didn't care what my wife thought.

Her decisions haven't been logical or fair in quite some time and the idea that locking me down with a baby and no career could stop me from loving Quinn, was her most insane idea yet.

I'll keep my distance for Quinn's sake but only until I'm certain that none of my baggage would damage the gentle little bubble that she and Beth lived in.

This deal wasn't going work the way that Brittany laid it out, marriage was not on the table anymore, especially with her still roaming the streets after what she'd done.

Maybe Julliard won't be happy to find out just what kind of person they have in their dance program.

It may be vindictive to set up my wife, since legally I can't testify against her but if it would get her some help and keep her from hurting anyone else, then my love for her would make that happen.

In the mean time, suddenly a bitch is broke and there is no way I'm going lose my amazing apartment.

My mind was made up and so with my peace of mind feeling a little more tangible, I messaged her back.

**_I'm on the road to taking care of myself. Heading back to NY from Lima. Thanks for checking in.-S_**

**_And, I love you too, no matter what.-S_**

* * *

**_A/N: I didn't think I had another chapter in me this week...who knew! I hope you are all well. JoJo, thanks for the lift up this week...I needed it.  
_**


	33. Chapter 33:This Bitter Pill

_**A/N: Triggers for violence and kind of sexual situations. It's a filler but a game changer nonetheless. If it sucks...forgive me. I beg you.**_

* * *

**This Bitter Pill (Dashboard Confessional)**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

By the time that I get back home, it's the middle of the night and my mind is cycling through endless emotions and the only thing that keeps standing out is her face.

Quinn had looked so hurt when she put us out of her apartment, the one that I had basically gift wrapped for my insane other half. I felt guilt and anger at my own stupidity but there was nothing I could do about it now, especially if Quinn was adamant about staying there. I had assumed that she would run as far away from Brittany as possible.

But what Brittany had meant as a scare tactic had only solidified the monstrous will power of Quinn. She wasn't going to back down and odds are, there was no way that she would be caught unawares again.

She is a stickler for that whole fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me cliche. In fact, without her even telling me, I could just about bet that she was in the process of finding some way to protect herself.

And something told me that just because Brittany had yet to turn the full force of her anger on me like she had with other people, didn't mean that it wasn't coming.

I just needed to be prepared for it.

* * *

_"Where are you, Mrs. Lopez?"_ My agent demanded the next morning when I was barely conscious after only three hours of sleep. Confusion hit me until I realized that it wasn't my mother they were referring to.

_"In bed."_

_"In New York?"_

_"Um...yes? Am I supposed to be somewhere else?"_

_"You had a ticket waiting for you yesterday at JFK, you're booked for a shoot in Los Angeles tomorrow!"_

_"I am?" _

_"Don't you check your messages?"_ I groaned and sat up as she began to rant to me about professionalism and how much money was riding on me being where I was booked on time.

_"I had my phone off yesterday, I uh...was at the cemetery out of town."_ She got quiet and not even for a second did I feel guilty about making her think that I had been at a funeral.

_"Oh. Are you okay?"_ She asked, her tone still harsh but a touch less loud.

_"Yea. I'll be okay. Do you think you can push it a few more days?"_

_"I can give you until Friday but that's it. We are already behind schedule."_

_"That's perfect. I'll be there."_

We hung up and I quickly formed a plan on just how I was going to get on that plane without fighting with my wife. There was only one logical answer.

* * *

_"So how was your first week of classes?"_ I asked her as we laid naked in her dorm room. She smiled at me, happy that I had finally given in and allowed her to make love to me after months of me putting it off.

_"Great...really though, I just want to go home."_

_"Home as in Lima?"_ I asked, trying to stay focused.

_"No, silly. Home as in Queens. I wish they would let me live there in my first year."_

_"It's good for you to be here, love." _

_"I know. So tell me, how was Lima?"_ She asked, her eyes actually seeming interested in my trip back to Ohio.

_"It was just the same. Even if some things are about to change in a big way."_

She sat up, her body hovering over mine, with a smile.

_"Oh yea? How?"_ She asked, her lips now at my neck as she began to massage my chest.

_"I got cut off."_ I said, my hands on her hips firmly keeping her in place. I needed her defenses down when I told her the truth and there was no better way than this. She looked at me with wide eyes and swallowed hard.

_"Why? How?"_ She asked, bringing her knee up between my legs and making me hiss.

I had missed her in this way but I had been holding back with good reason. Now though, even if it was the last thing that I really wanted to be doing, I had to play the game the best way that I knew how.

_"Papi does this kind of thing when he thinks I'm getting too comfortable. He wants me to earn my keep. So he said that I need to start being an adult."_

_"So this means you can't stay home and take care of the baby?" _She asked, pressing against me again and making me feel like I was going to fall over a cliff at any moment.

I raised a hand up to her face and cradled her cheek.

_"Britt, there isn't going to be a baby. I'm not going to stay home while you live this dream. I know you want to lock me down and keep me from Quinn but..._" She slammed her knee against me and it took my breath away. _"Shit."_ I groaned and she looked at me, her eyes bloodshot as she continued to push roughly against me.

I pulled her face down and kissed her hard. She wouldn't win this. I wrapped my legs around her hips and put an arm around her back and with a twist of my hips, I had her on her back, underneath me.

She of course tried to do a similar move moments later but I quickly straddled her upper thighs and grabbed her wrists, forcing her back onto the bed, making sure that she wasn't really able to move.

She turned her face away as she cried into the pillow. She hated being on the bottom and hated losing control to me but it was time that things changed.

I couldn't let her do anymore damage.

* * *

_"Britt, I need to start working and I need you to understand that just because I'm off following my dreams, doesn't mean I don't love you or that I don't need you anymore."_

_"I know."_ She whimpered as I adjusted myself so that I was now resting my hands on her shoulders, using them to ground me and to keep her from pushing me off.

_"Look at me, Brittany."_ I pleaded but she wouldn't look at me.

_"Get off of me."_ She begged and the irony of her feeling trapped and violated in someway, didn't escape me one bit.

_"Tomorrow, I'm getting on a plane and going to LA. I have a shoot that I already was contracted on before our little agreement. It's the first of six that I signed on for which could take up to a year to finish. I need to know that in that time, you won't go after Quinn."_

She was looking at me now, anger in her eyes and her lips twisted just so.

_"I can't make any promises."_ She snapped.

_"Is that so? How then, do you expect me to keep mine?"_ I asked.

_"That's different."_ She shot back.

_"It's not. I need you to begin letting me go, Britt. We both know that it will be for the best if we just stop pretending that we're happy. A baby won't fix what you did, shit, nothing will fix what you did. You fucked up pretty bad."_

She was so calm as she looked at me, a small smile crept on her lips and she actually laughed. It seemed harmless and so I laughed along with her.

_"You're right. I did fuck up but I'm a work in progress."_ She said, softly and then with a jerk of her hips and a hit to one of my elbows, she managed to knock me off of her and onto the floor.

It took me a moment to get my bearings as I pushed myself up from the floor.

And then I heard the click of the barrel.

* * *

Millions of thoughts went through my head, number one though was how I never called my mother and made up with her.

How I had let my own petty jealousy of a ghost cloud my judgment. The second thing that went through my mind is how stupid I was to never change the code on my lock box even after I moved the gun.

I was looking at the pretty red carpet that we had picked out together and wishing that I had been smarter about everything.

_"Britt...put down the gun."_ I said, not daring to make any sudden moves.

_"No."_

_"Think about what you are doing, Britt."_

_"I would rather die with you as my wife than to live to see you married to someone else."_ She said, her voice sounding insane.

The door to the room swung open and I looked up, suddenly realizing just how naked me and Brittany were.

_"Oh my God. Um...is that real? We aren't allowed...I'm going to..."_ The girl pulled out her phone and went to dial 911 but before she could put it to her ear a loud bang sounded.

I flinched, waiting to black out but instead, I felt the heaviness of a body on my back and then the smell and warmth of blood covering me.

_"Britt?"_ I called, as I fell to the floor, her body covering mine. _"Oh God, Brittany?!"_ I screamed. _"Oh God, OH GOD!"_ I was hysterical and then finally, the bittersweet darkness claimed me.

* * *

**_A/N: This chapter was written out of necessity. I've been blocked and I am prepared for it to not be my best...I am too sick to care like I should, unfortunately. This was a filler chapter...I hope to be back soon. Fingers crossed! I'll be back for errors later._ **


	34. Chapter 34:All Apologies

**All Apologies (Nirvana)**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

**12 HOURS LATER and counting...  
**

* * *

_"I don't understand, my daughter wouldn't do this. Where did she even get a gun from...Santana?" _pause _"Santana?! Are you even listening to me?!" _

_"Don't yell at her honey, look at her, she's in as much shock as you are." _That was Pierce...annoying as fuck on the regular but at least he was on my side it seemed._ "Obviously the gun came from Santana, her people tend to be violent." _Well at least I thought he was.

_"Oh my sweet girl, what has she done to you?"_ Whitney whispered to Brittany's still sleeping form. The top of her head was completely wrapped in gauze...her cheeks were puffed out and her eyes were covered with cotton pads and even more gauze. I could only see her lips from where I was sitting and I just couldn't stop staring at how pink and normal they were.

How could such mean and spiteful words come from those lips?

_"Santana, are you okay? You look pale and I didn't think that was possible." _Pierce is suddenly in front of me, his wide eyes staring at me sharply and then his hand was on my arm and he starts leading me to a chair that's closer to the bed.

Unfortunately, the chair is next to Whitney and before I can manage to sit down, she scrambles into the seat and grips Brittany's hand.

_"Take her out of here. I know she's behind this and I don't want to see her face!"_ Whitney yells, her cheeks shiny from the tears that she hasn't stopped dropping since she got to New York an hour ago.

I want to protest, to put my foot down and demand the right to be in the room when Brittany finally wakes up from her medically induced coma but I won't fight.

Not today.

Whitney is right at least, this IS my fault.

The gun was mine.

It was registered under my name and the only other prints on it belonged to me.

How had I not seen this coming?

Why was I suddenly such a buffoon?

* * *

I'm sitting in the hallway, my body shaking from the lack of food and the ill fitting clothes that the nurses had gathered from the lost and found.

We had both arrived to the hospital naked and while I was able to walk away with the only injury being a snapped wrist when Brittany's body fell on top of mine, she wasn't so lucky.

Wearing a cast for six to eight weeks will be all the recovery that will be needed in my case...Brittany's prognosis is much more complicated and my brain has been way too foggy to comprehend any of it.

All I could gather was that she had put a gun to her head, shakily pulled the trigger and after a six hour surgery, she had lived. No one knew what this meant for her brain...or if she'd ever be the same again.

They are saying its a miracle that she's alive and I'm wondering just how much of one it could possibly be if she lost her motor skills?

She'd probably never dance again, at least not a Julliard. Her dream.

Her mother hated me and Pierce...well, I didn't really give a shit about him but still...I didn't want to come out of this marriage as the bad guy because that's not who I've been.

Despite that one trip to New Haven, I have been utterly faithful to her.

I've stood by her even after she did the unspeakable and now, after she did something of her own volition, I was being made out to be the bad guy.

It wasn't right and odds are, Britt's not going to wake up and tell her mom the truth...if she can even remember what the truth is.

* * *

On Friday morning, after two long days in the hospital and no change in Brittany's condition, I left the hospital and headed straight to the Julliard dorms, needing my phone and my keys.

Luckily for me, I ran into her roommate in the lobby and she was nice enough (and freaked out enough) to go get my things for me. Her room had just been cleared by the cops, they were calling it just another domestic dispute gone wrong. The roommate, Kibbie or Karen or some shit, isn't staying in her room because it's squicks her out but she does me a solid and doesn't complain about the list of things I ask for.

**_-My phone_**

**_-My keys_**

**_-My purse_**

**_-My shoes...because these hospital flip flops are made of foam and I'm surprised I haven't stepped on something sharp._ **

She does me one better and brings me my clothes as well, which from the way that Britt tossed around couldn't have been easy. I immediately went into the lobby bathroom and changed back into my own clothes and left the hospital duds on the bathroom floor.

I'm just out of fucks to give today.

My phone is dead by the time that its back in my hands and while I was tempted to ask for Brittany's phone I knew better than to push my luck.

Because I know that once Whitney makes her way to Julliard to collect Britt's things, the last thing I want is for this Kibbie/Karen person to tell her that I took Brittany's stuff...I'm already in the doghouse with her. I'm not going to make it worse.

* * *

I've never been so happy to be on the A train headed to Queens. Even the smelly drunks that are bickering at the end of the car can't phase me. I'd already been through hell...and I just wanted to curl up and die.

How had things become like this?

In just a few hours I was supposed to be getting on a plane and flying to LA to work but how could I go anywhere with things like this?

How bad would that look?

Was it terrible that I still wanted to go, even if Brittany was in the hospital fighting for her life?

There is so much to decide, so many different things that I need to do...including calling Mami and Papi, calling my agent, and of course...calling Quinn before anyone else on the Lima grapevine does.

God have mercy on me.

* * *

Signing up to be a Cheerio means signing up for broken bones, devious plans, dangerous acts of skill that shouldn't be humanly possible but mainly lots of pain if you're doing it right. At least according to Sue.

So it should be of no surprise that I am just as gifted with my right hand as I am my left, in all areas...wanky...I know.

Needless to say, this is not my first broken bone, not my first cast, and definitely not my first time having to get on with only my right hand.

My head was throbbing and my clothes felt hot as I cleaned up the apartment while waiting endlessly for my phone to charge.

I should be on a plane in thirty minutes flying to LA but I'm thinking that after all the madness, me flying to another city would just make me me seem even more guilty than I already feel.

Besides, I want to at least see that Britt gets through this okay.

Divorce is still a strong desire of mine but with her basically incapacitated, I'm not feeling the pressure that I was at this point two days ago.

In fact, I'm feeling compassion which I know is the very last thing that Brittany needs but because I'm a bad bitch with a bigger heart than anyone has ever given me credit for, I'm going to at least wait until she's conscious.

Then, and ONLY then will I start to make my move.

* * *

By the time I had cleaned my dishes, folded my laundry and took a very long shower, with my arm wrapped in a trash bag, no less, my phone was blissfully charged.

And just like I had suspected, the world had missed me.

I had six missed calls from my parents, that were accompanied by twelve text messages ranging from uninterested to highly concerned to insanely worried.

After that there were two missed calls from Quinn and just one text message.

**_I miss you. :/-Quinn_**

Accompanied by a picture of her and Beth in front of the LOVE statue. The cuteness was unreal and I found myself wishing that I was there with them but once again Brittany had found a way to push any dream of being a part of Quinn's little family a distant reality.

And it pisses me the fuck off.

I pull up a message, prepared to text Quinn when I'm interrupted by a phone call from my father.

How can I not answer him?

* * *

_"Bendicion, Papi."_ I say, trying my best to push back the anger and nausea that was sweeping over me.

_"Dios te bendiga, Tata!"_ He says happily and then he murmurs to who I can only assume is my mother._ "She answered."_

And then there is rustling and I know right away to prepare myself for Hurricane Maribel.

_"Santana?! Whitney told us everything! Is it true, did you give her the gun and convince her to shoot herself?"_

_"What?! Mami, No! She stole it! I don't know how and I don't know when but she stole it and waited for me to have my back turned. This is the last thing I wanted. You know me better than that...right? I didn't know she'd do this. I swear to Go-" _

_"Do not take the Lord's name in vain!"_ She snaps and I stop myself.

_"Lo siento. Bendicion, Mami."_

_"Que Dios te bendiga! I believe you, mi'ja. Anyone who has seen the crazy way she's been acting will believe you. We were so worried about you, are you home? Can we come see you?"_

_"What? You're in New York?" _My heart was racing, I didn't want to admit it but a girl needed her Mami and Papi right about now._  
_

_"Of course we are here, Nena. We came on the same flight as Whitney, we've been here since this morning and we were going to go to the hospital but Whitney said you left hours ago."_

_"Of course she did. Yes, I'm home. You can come over, just...prepare Papi...tell him that I broke my wrist when Brittany fell on me."_

_"What?! Which wrist?"_

_"My left."_

_"But you're left handed!" _I rolled my eyes._ "Don't leave your apartment, we are on our way!" _She shrieks, freaking out like she always does when I have so much of a scratch on me but for the first time in what felt like an eternity I laughed it off, because it felt wonderful for my mother to be having such a normal conversation with me.

It wasn't but a few days ago after all, that she wasn't speaking to me and was avoiding me...this felt way better.

Like home again.

It felt good to be cared for again.

* * *

**12 DAYS LATER**

* * *

It's been nearly two weeks and Brittany still isn't awake, the hospital bills are racking up and normally I would pay them but with no job and no insurance, I can't do much to help her.

The modeling job in LA was given to some other girl and according to my agent nothing new has come up, but I think she's been lying to me and I can't really blame her for it.

Keeping me as a client is costing her money and you just don't fuck with a person's cash flow.

But I was becoming desperate and I needed some way to deal with the shit-show that was my life.

Starting with putting some distance between me and the Pierce family.

I've been by the hospital almost every day, only to be turned away by Whitney's irrational screams and frankly, I don't think I'll be going back after today.

Today was the first day that I was alone in my apartment after my parents did everything they could possibly do for me before going back home, right down to filling my fridge and helping me open a checking account.

One that wasn't linked to my father's.

Even if he is now trying to give me money on the sly, I know that he was right to cut me off. I need to learn to exist without him holding me up and without Brittany pulling me down.

A few weeks ago, the idea of being all on my own...maybe away from New York eventually, was terrifying but now, given a change of perspective, I'm thinking that this is exactly what I needed.

* * *

I've become a staple at the hospital, so no one really thinks twice as I stroll through the ICU, they all smile and nod, knowing that my being here was really the only thing that I could do for Brittany anymore, even if her mother trying to keep me from doing that.

Today though is different, when I get to Brittany's room, Pierce is standing outside the door excitedly waiting for me.

_"I've been waiting for you."_ He said, his eyes turning to slits as he gives me his brightest smile but I'm not in the mood to return the gesture.

Instead, I handed him the coffee that I had taken to bringing him each morning and nodded in his direction.

_"She's awake?"_ I asked, clearly not excited as he was.

_"Yes! More than that, she's asking for you."_

Of course she is. She's obsessed with me and all that I do for her...why wouldn't her first reflex be to ask for me? I'm not going to lie, a big part of me was hoping that she'd wake up with no recollection of us ever getting back together.

Wishful thinking, I guess.

_"Am I allowed in or is Whitney waiting on the other side of that door with a baseball bat?"_

He looked confused, the grin not leaving his face even once.

_"A bat?"_

_"Is Whitney in there?"_ I sighed holding back my frustration with this imbecile, not wanting to make him any more confused.

_"Oh no. She's at Julliard."_ He said, his grin dropping for only a moment before he smiled again._ "You should go in before she gets back."_

_"Good idea, Pierce."_ I said, before walking past him and pushing the door open without even knocking first.

I had no time for that.

There was only one thing on my mind and that was seeing just how damaged she was because somehow, someway, I was going to need her to sign those damn divorce papers so I could put this all behind me.

* * *

Pierce made it sound like she was sitting up, alert and asking clearly for me but that's now how it was.

My attitude dropped immediately when I saw that she was staring glassy eyed at the wall in front of her. The bandage around her head still in place, looking more like a turban than plain hospital gauze.

But Brittany always could pull off the most absurd looks.

Focus Santana.

I walked into her line of sight and looked directly at her but there was no change in her expression. Honestly, I didn't know what to expect but this wasn't even close to it.

_"Brittany?"_ I called to her and her eyes ever so slowly looked into mine.

_"San..."_ She said, half of her mouth not moving as she started to say my name.

_"How are you feeling?"_ I asked, daring to step closer until I was at the end of her bed. Noticing the sagging in her face and how much older it made her look.

_"San..."_ She said again and then a lonely tear dripped out of her eye before she closed both of them.

_"Britt?"_ I called her again and she opened her eyes, this time, more tears came out and one of her machines began beeping louder.

_"San...please?"_ She finally said, her hand moving from her where it was resting at her side and coming up to rest on her lap. She opened her hand then and shut it twice.

So I walked to the side of the bed and took her hand in mine and she squeezed it, hard.

I wanted to HATE her.

I wanted to RUN away but at the same time, SHE has ALWAYS been the person that I LOVED and wanted to run TO.

My instincts had me wanting to wrap myself around her like a force field but I didn't crawl into the bed, I just stood there, holding her hand and resisting the urge to wipe her tears away.

* * *

_"I'm glad you survived, B. I can't imagine a life without you in it."_ I admitted, even if it was hard to say something that could lead her to get the wrong idea of where we were headed.

She closed her eyes again and turned her face from me.

_"Go."_ She said, louder than anything else that she had managed to say as of yet.

_"But Britt..."_ I began but got cut off.

_"You should listen to her. She doesn't want you here."_ I looked up at the door and saw Whitney standing there...silently watching.

_"I had to see her. She's MY wife."_ The grip on my hand tightened and I took that as I sign to continue to put my foot down instead of a sign to stop. _"We've had our problems and sure things may be headed for a divorce. I know she told you about it before this happened...that's why you're so mad at me but I know she didn't tell you why it was happening...did she?"_

Britt squeezed my hand so hard that I swear my fingers were turning purple and so I stopped short of telling Whitney about what Brittany had done...for now at least.

_"It doesn't matter why. All I know is that you promised to love her no matter what. You lied to her. To me and her father."_ Whitney shrieked.

_ "I did not lie to any of you, I love HER. And despite the things that she's done that I KNOW she didn't tell you about, I'm here for her. I will not be petty in this hospital, I don't care what she's done. I'm not fighting her while she's down."_ I snapped. Not really sure that I believed my own words but saying them nonetheless.

I guess it was true, I wanted a fair fight. As much as I wanted out of this relationship, I wanted us to be on equal footing. You just DON'T kick people when they're down. I like to think that I have more integrity than that.

So I'll wait...

* * *

**2 1/2 MONTHS LATER**

* * *

_"Are you almost done with those glasses?"_ Carlo asks as I run a damp rag through yet another shot glass.

_"I've got about a dozen to go. Are you heading out?"_

_"Tomorrow's Thanksgiving and Italians like to eat...I need to prep my stomach for tomorrow! Are you sure you don't have anywhere to be? Anybody to go be thankful for? I'm okay closing the bar for the night if you do."_

_"No. My soon to be ex-wife left yesterday with her mom. Everyone else I know is probably headed back to my old town too. I'm okay...I can't be the only one who needs a drink today and I need every penny I can get. Divorces aren't cheap."_

He raised an eyebrow and then looked at the shelves behind me, filled with every drink imaginable.

_"I'll let you have an exception today...take one of your favorite bottles when you're off the clock...okay?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Of course, anything for my best employee, just don't drink yourself to death, you work Friday! Happy Thanksgiving, Santana."_ He chuckled before pushing out the door. He held it open for a few stragglers before leaving it to slam closed.

A gust of cold wind had come in, reminding me of the foot of snow that had shown up this afternoon as a lucky surprise on the same day I forgot my gloves and scarf.

It's been a hard few months, no agency wants to hire me, I ave been blacklisted and there is really nothing else that I know how to do.

Bartending seemed like a good option better than being waitress again...at least here I could use a bat if anyone tried to hit on me.

I've gotten along okay since starting at Carlo's and the days have been good to me...this holiday though is bringing out the worst in me.

I'm feeling depressed and way too tired to deal with the general public but rain, snow, or shine, I'm here busting my ass for a better future.

* * *

_"Puck owes me a hundred bucks." _

I looked up from the shot glass I was still shining and felt my world crash down. My hands began shaking so I put the shot glass down on the counter and looked into the eyes of the very person that I had been avoiding.

Quinn.

Most of her calls have gone unanswered and her texts answered curtly. I had thrown up a wall between us, more for her protection than mine. She just didn't need my brand of bad luck, not when she was doing so fucking good.

Flawless even.

_"He told you that I'd be here?"_

She looked good, her hair hung in ringlets from her knitted cap and her cheeks were rosy as she slid onto the stool in front of me.

_"Nope." _She popped her lips, trying her best to be serious but she seemed way too giddy to pull off any sort of straight face._ "He told me that you work here but he said that you would probably go back to Lima for the holidays and I..." _She grinned and winked_. "I bet him that you wouldn't dare go home."_

_"Is that right?" _I asked, feeling some of the exhaustion give way to a smirk of my own. It had been awhile since I felt much of anything at all...it felt odd to smile but Quinn has always brought out the best in me.

Whitney and Brittany had me feeling like I didn't deserve to smile. Especially not after I served her with divorce papers just about the moment that she had learned to talk in complete sentences again.

I was a villain...a louse, as Pierce had called me, but after being called Satan for most of my life, being compared to a parasite wasn't half bad.

_"With everything I'm hearing from Judy..."_ She said and then looked down at her mittens, smiling slightly before pulling them off her beautifully manicured hands.

According to my parents, Whitney and Pierce had spread the news to the vultures of Lima and if I wasn't a pariah before, this seemed to do the trick.

Of course I didn't want to go to Lima!

So I convinced them to go to Vail and I would just stay here for the holidays.

* * *

It had taken a lot of guts to finally get off of my drunken ass and get a job. Of course, a landlord at your door will do that to you.

Also, Brittany having a stroke and not being able to use the left side of her body had a lot to do with it.

I felt sorry for her.

So I did what my father had asked me not to do. I took what little savings I had and I paid whatever medical bills I could with the money I should have been using for rent and food.

And even still, it wasn't enough for for the Pierce's.

They gave me hell still.

Brittany with her scathing looks any time that I tried to show some concern for her after giving her those papers and Whitney making rude remarks when I gave in and threatened to leave...and don't even get me started on that racist little weasel masquerading as Brittany's father.

The lot of them have me wanting to commit homicide.

There was just no winning with them and so I was glad to see them leave...I was glad to know that Brittany could at least speak again...even if she still wasn't able to walk.

* * *

_"Believe none of what you hear."_ I said, looking into those amazing eyes.

_"And half of what I see?"_ She asked, turning the phrase around on me._ "Because I honestly from what I am seeing..."_ She pressed her lips together and looked me over before letting out a sigh. Keeping the rest to herself...thankfully.

A soft smile replaced the look of disdain that was so easy on her face just a moment before.

_"This isn't the beginning of a lecture is it?"_ I asked, cutting her off. _"At least tell me what you're drinking, if you ARE __even __ drinking...speaking of which...where's Beth?"_

She rolled her eyes.

_"There is not going to be a lecture. Surprise me...it's been awhile since I've had anything more than the occasional glass of wine. Beth is visiting her aunt and uncle in Texas for the holiday. So I'm all yours for a few days...hopefully, if you'll let me?"_

For the first time since she burst back into my life, her confidence looked a little shaken at her own audacity to volunteer me to host her.

Which of course...duh...I wouldn't have it any other way.

A few days with her ALL to myself...I wouldn't want anything less.

* * *

_"Why didn't you go with her to Texas?"_ I asked, not bothering to acknowledge her plans to stay.

_"Because I get to have her all of Christmas and so, I thought it only fair to let them have her. It's a welcome break...is that bad to say?"_ She said, looking a little shamed at saying that.

I shook my head as I poured a few different things into the shaker. My hands were below the bar but I could see her still trying to peak over the ledge.

_"It's not a surprise if you look."_ I murmured before slamming the shaker lid on and well...shaking the thing. _"You went from single coed to single mom in a matter of months, it's okay to need a break."_

_"You sure?"_ She pouted and trapped her perfectly pink tongue between those perfect lips.

_"Positive but just in case you think I'll go blabbing, your secret is safe with me." _

_"Cross your heart?"_ She said, actually crossing herself, a grin back on her face.

My she was incredibly playful today...God, I've missed her.

_"And hope to die."_ I said, mesmerized by that tongue poking out further and licking those lips...and wishing they were licking mine.

Cool your jets, Lopez. Let's not hump her on the bar.

Yet...

* * *

She swirled her straw in her half empty glass, her eyes slightly closed as she hummed to the new Adele song.

The bar was mostly empty, with the exception of two regulars who were sharing a bottle down in the pit.

She had been sipping on her drink and giving me a show of just how well she could moan for the last two minutes and twenty three seconds...twenty four...twenty five, without a word.

_"So...how is it?"_ I finally asked before emptying the rest of the shaker into her glass.

She smiled at me and nodded.

_"It's bomb."_ She said and I could not help but laugh. It shocked me just how loud it was and seeing her face light up made it worth it.

_"Bomb? Where did you hear that?"_

She blushed and I fucking swooned!

_"I'm mentoring a kid, Octavius, he's the most charming little boy in the world and bomb is the term he uses, thank you very much! I figured since you are from Lima Heights, you would know exactly what it meant." _

_"I do."_

_"Good. So...what's in this bomb ass drink, anyway?"_

_"Oh God, I can't!" _I said, covering my mouth and trying my best not to burst out laughing again.

_"What?"_

Those two regulars were shooting me strange looks and my brooding reputation is one that I'd like to keep. People don't fuck with you when you look like you can shank them.

But this was Quinn fucking Fabray being the personification of everything that's right in this world, if they didn't like my joy, they could get the fuck out and my glare told them as much.

_"I've missed you so much more than I realized." _She said, softly before draining her glass and slamming it a little too hard on the bar.

Yea...she had enough.

_"You have no idea."_ I said, infusing some seriousness back into the conversation.

My hand had been minding its own business on top of the bar and she reached across and put hers on top of it.

Electric fire tore through me and I moaned. Her eyes sparked and I pulled away.

_"No. Don't shut down on me. Please...San...I'd like to know. I'd like to have an idea of what's going on. Other than the bits and pieces that Mother and Puck tell me, I'm in the dark. Let me be your best friend again...please?"_

* * *

_**A/N: This chapter is everything that I have in me at the moment creatively...I've got a zillion things going on and a double inner ear infection that has left me half deaf for the next week. I know thats TMI...just...go easy on the invalid. LOVE YOU CHICAS! The reviews were so good...know that I'm loosely following cannon and while some people wanted Brittany dead...ten years after graduation when they all do that final song together on the show...it's Brittany who Santana comes in with hand in hand...so at least...pretty please...just let me slow burn until then...Quinntana is coming...this chapter was just the beginning. I'll be back for errors, laters. I'll be back...soon.**  
_


	35. Chapter 35:As I Am

_**A/N: Constant vigilence...the POV changes back and forth in this chapter...more than once!**_

* * *

**As I Am (Kelani)**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV  
**

* * *

Coming here was risky, I'm aware it could all blow up in my face but I am so tired of waiting for things to just happen one day.

I'm tired of watching her world crash down around her over and over again. I'm tired of seeing all of her talents and charisma wasting away while I am flying so high.

Every thing has been magical, perfectly perfect in my neck of the woods but every thing that I hear about her and the things that are going on because of Brittany's suicide attempt are bad and I have had to read between the lines to know that she's falling apart because no one tells me that and she is too attached to her pride to admit it freely.

From what I can tell, everyone is circling around Brittany like sharks, more than they did around me after my accident. Noah says its because they learned from their mistakes but I think it's because people are addicted to tragedy.

But Brittany did that to herself.

I didn't go out looking to have my spine crushed, did I play a hand in it by texting and driving? Absolutely, but I wasn't looking to break my back...she put a gun to her head, knowing what the outcome could be and pulled the trigger anyway.

Why is everyone overlooking that and treating her like some hero?

It's sickening.

No one ever notices the wreckage when it comes to Santana but I do.

And so even though my entire family is gathering in California for the holiday, I have decided that I would much rather do my best to let her know that I SEE HER.

* * *

When I walked in, the first thing that I noticed was that she had lost way too much weight. Her clothes hung off of her and her eyebrows were cinched up in concentration.

Way more concentration than needed to clean a glass, meaning she was trapped in the darkness in her head and it took everything in me to keep the smile on my face that I had walked in with because I just wanted to slap some sense into her.

This was not what she was meant to be doing and looking like this, so rundown, so exhausted just proved to me that she needed a wake up call.

Her reaction to my voice, gave me life!

Gaunt cheeks were filled with a blush and dark circled eyes lit up.

Proving yet again that Quinn Fabray's still got it. :)

* * *

I'm feeling tipsy after I've downed the most delicious drink known to man and she's watching me with a nervous smile and vigilant eyes.

_"So when is your shift over?"_ I ask...trying my best to reign in the sloppiness that I feel coming on.

_"Whenever I say it is."_ She said, looking over my shoulder at the only other people in the bar who had been singing Christmas carols for about a half hour at the top of their lungs._ "Pipe down or take a hike!"_ She yells at them and they go silent for a micro second before breaking down into peels of laughter so loud and obnoxious that the singing was preferable.

I couldn't help but smile at her as she scowled at them, I was amused at her attempt to glare like me. I should mention that her glare has never phased me, it's like seeing a puppy when you deny it attention.

She's too cute to take seriously when she makes that face, which has been many people's downfall when it comes to her. She's cuddly and cute but she definitely has some claws.

_"So if I were to ask you if we could leave, in say..."_ I looked at my naked wrist as if there was a watch there and looked up at her smirking face...she had noticed too. _"Five minutes? Could we go?"_

She thought about it for a moment and then stuck two fingers in her mouth and whistled over the continuing cackles.

The drunks stopped for a moment, completely attentive and she seemed proud of it.

_"Alright ladies, last call. Bar's closing early." _

_"Awwww!" _They both groaned before using each other as leverage to get out of their booth.

The less inebriated one staggered next to me, smelling to the high heavens and smiled slyly. If she wasn't so gross smelling, she might be marginally passable and from the looks of her companion, she was the ugly one. She looked me over and then slapped her hand on the bar.

A crisp hundred was put down and then she looked at me again.

_"That should cover the bottle and whatever this lady had. Eh, Santana." _She attempted to lean in to me and I did my best to lean away without falling off of my stool when a metal baseball bat came down on the bar with a bang.

Separating the leering woman from me.

I looked at Santana in shock but she wasn't looking at me. She looked at the lecherous drunk that was now backed up against the next stool looking surprised.

_"What have I told you about harassing the other patrons?" _She growled._ "Do it again and you are banned from the bar. Got it?"_

_"Santana, come on!" _

_"Do you want me to use this bat because I'm in just the mood to shove it up your ass. Now apologize." _

_"Okay, Okay." _She held her hands up in surrender and then nodded towards me,_ "I'm very sorry, pretty lady."_

_"Good, now get the fuck out." _Santana said, pointing the bat towards the door. Right as they were headed outside, she chirped happily at their backs as she tucked the crisp hundred dollar bill in her bra._ "Happy Thanksgiving!" _

* * *

I don't know why I did it, maybe it was the way she shivered as we made our way to the train or it was the romantic in me but I slipped my hand into hers and pulled it into my pocket so that she was forced to walk by my side.

_"You're being overly cute, you know that."_ She said, a shiver going through her as the wind blew past us so hard that my cheeks felt like blocks of ice.

_"For the record, I've always been overly cute...you just happen to noticing for once." _

_"I notice more things than you realize, for instance, I noticed that you don't happen to have any luggage...so either you have a hotel in the city or you were just fucking with me about staying." _

She turned her head slightly, just enough that I knew she was listening for my explanation.

_"I've got my toothbrush and my wallet...I figured you would provide me with everything else."_ I admitted bluntly. I didn't want her to misinterpret my intentions even a little. I was definitely here to be with her.

I was here to steal back into her heart by any means necessary and if that meant walking around her apartment naked for the next three days, then that was what I would do.

_"Oh...I guess I should get some laundry done then." _

_"Or not."_

She stumbled over a crack in the sidewalk and then looked over at me with yet another glare, her face pale and her eyebrows cinched so tight they were practically touching.

She had yet to move her hand from mine, they were still linked in my pocket which saved her from falling on her face but she looked slightly resentful and so I knew that I needed to come on a little less strong.

We continued walking but I could tell that the wall between us was still there, despite my best efforts it seemed a little too impenetrable at the moment.

With all that's going on, Noah had warned me that she would be on her guard. I just didn't think it would be this bad.

This wasn't like old Santana, who I could slap a few times and brow beat into submission, this new version of her had been through some shit and I needed to be mindful of that if we were ever going to get past this "_will we, won't we"_ stage.

I just want to love her and I need her to see that.

* * *

She wasn't kidding about laundry, in fact...the laundry was the least of her problems. Her place was a mess and she had the nerve to just ignore it, like it was nothing but I couldn't just ignore the sink full of dishes and the way I could almost smell the dirt and booze in the air.

Santana has always been a bit of a slob but this was beyond messy. It was borderline...unhealthy.

I had gone into the apartment ahead of her and was standing in the living room, staring at the full ashtray on the coffee table next to two empty rum bottles. Now that I took a breath, I could smell the cigars and marijuana and knew immediately that bringing Santana back into my life permanently wasn't going to be as easy or fairy tale like as I had expected.

She needed to heal from the wreckage that Brittany had left on her life and from what I could see, she wasn't doing it the right way but this was Santana, this was the way she coped.

Being a hermit, a slob and a curmudgeon.

Now that I had Beth, I couldn't just throw myself into a relationship that had no potential, especially not one that could be a bad influence on her and while Santana would be so important in my daughter's life normally, this was not going to work.

But I wasn't going to give up so easily...because being with her and around her...just feels right.

And after losing the one person that my teenage self thought she'd marry and grow old with because for me Finn had been that for so long, I can't lose her too.

So many times I've wished that I could conjure up these feelings for someone safer...someone like Puck or even Lydia but my heart...it wants Santana and I know that hers wants me too.

I've just got to get her started back on the right path...somehow.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

I'm off my game and absolutely unsure of how to handle her.

Years spent pining after her secretly, always thinking that I was never good enough for the great Quinn Fabray and now here she is, practically throwing herself at me and I am completely unprepared for it.

How I had forgotten how disgusting my place is, I have no idea. Maybe I've just been drifting through it, knowing that I wouldn't have company kind of made me lazy.

And I'm tired but I can't just tell her to fuck off while I sleep, not her.

She's...everything that I've ever wanted and I can't ruin things before they even get off the ground.

I let her into the apartment first and she has stopped shy of actually walking completely inside and I don't blame her.

The night that Whitney took Brittany home, she had stopped by looking for more of Britt's things and I tried to tell her that I had nothing but she still barged in and practically tore the place apart looking for this imaginary stuff.

Once she was gone, I saw that the "stuff" she'd been looking for was the emergency money that I keep in my dresser drawer. There was only my most recent tips in it, maybe a thousand bucks but once she was through, it was gone.

Dummy me, I had just sat on the couch like a cocky motherfucker and let her rummage through my place and then once she was gone and I went looking for my stash...I flew into a blind rage.

I trashed the place and had yet to clean up...too upset that I'd need to take every single shift until nearly Christmas to be able to afford January's rent. Thankfully, Papi had paid December's as a Christmas gift to me.

Otherwise...I'd be evicted and what a Merry Christmas THAT would be!

And the crazy thing is that I didn't even go after her because I knew that she'd use it to get home and away from me. Knowing that, I just let it go...let them get as far as they could away from my life.

* * *

I was resting against the door, watching her survey the damage and waiting for the inevitable snarky response when she turned and looked at me with tears in her eyes.

My defenses were immediately on alert. I expected her to be an asshole and berate me for letting things get like this but instead, she looked incredibly sad.

She stuffed her hands in her coat pocket and stepped closer to me, until we only had about an arm length of space between us.

_"I didn't know it was this bad...would you mind...if I cleaned up?" _

_"What? Why the hell would you want to do that?!"_ I snapped, she flinched but I could tell from the spark in her eye that she wasn't going to back down.

She reached for me, her hand now resting on my upper arm as she stepped even closer.

_"Believe it or not, this is how things would have been for me had Beth not been in my life when things went down with Brittany. She saved me and I got lucky but nobody is seeing you or saving you. At least, not without judging the hell out of you. Let me help you?"_

_"I'm not helpless! I'm not some weak, pitiful, little shit that needs to mothered by you! I'm not your little charity case, that you come and patch up for the holiday and possibly fuck senseless before you go back to your perfect, vanilla existence. This is my LIFE. This is it! You can't fix this shit because..." _I couldn't even think of anything to go after that because I knew that everything I was saying wasn't true. Brittany and her mother had ripped me to shreds and my pride is too valuable to go running to my parents. I sighed and dropped my hands. Her face was flushed but she didn't let go of my arm as she waited for me to continue._ "I have to save myself, Q because...I created this mess. If I had just stayed away from you, everything would be fine. My marriage would be fine and Brittany would be able to dance. Don't you see that? Your charity will be ruined the moment you head back to Philly and I am here alone again because this is what I am...I ruin things. I deserve to live like this because I'm NOT good enough to be anything more."_

I moved away from her, my hands gripping my hair as I let out a sob that I'm sure my neighbors in the next building would hear. I was frustrated. I was tired and every single emotion that I had packed in these past few months was now coming out of me and I couldn't make it stop.

Way to go Lopez...tell her you aren't weak and then start crying like a fucking baby.

Good job!

* * *

I'm falling back into that blind rage when she smacks the shit out of me but instead of slapping back, I fly straight at her, my hands on her shoulders as I push her back but then there's panic is in her eyes and I remember her delicate back.

And I catch her just before she falls over one of my discarded shoes, using my own body to break her fall as we tumble to the ground together with my arms wrapped around her.

Her face is against my neck and she's shaking.

_"Fuck...I'm so sorry."_ I say to her as she shakes against me._ "Q?"_ I say as she lays on top of me, her body against mine so perfectly but I need to stop that line of thought immediately. I rub at her back with hopes that the shaking will stop. _"That slap hurt..."_ I say and then she raises her head and I see a grin on her face...she was shaking because she was laughing because of course she was.

Her hand raises to my burning cheek and the coolness of her palm instantly takes the sting away.

_"I shouldn't have hit you. That was wrong, it's just I hate what she's done to you. You're fucking pathetic living like this and whining like that. The person you are is so much better and stronger than you're acting. I'm fine. You can let me up."_

I drop my arms and she used me for leverage as she got back up and then extended her hand to me.

Once I'm up again, I push my hair back with my fingers, reminding myself of Papi and from there, my mind is thinking of how upset he would be to see my apartment in this state and suddenly I'm feeling like Quinn is right and I'm not acting like someone who doesn't need help. I'm being pathetic and I need to do something about it if I don't want to feel like a charity case.

So I dig that hundred out of my bra and hand it to her, she looks down at the money in her palm and then back at me, a look of confusion is in her eyes, even though she's still smiling.

_"There's a Thai place across the street. Can you get me Pad Thai and a Ginger Ale...I'm going to give you a second first impression of my place. Okay?"_

She looks around the apartment and then back at me, not completely trusting that I'm telling the truth but she nods and then turns towards the door, pausing just before opening it.

_"San...I know..."_ She drops her head, her back still to me. _"things haven't been the best for you and I've been distant, doing my best to give you your space. Just know that I'm here now and I'm going to help you whether you like it or not and you know it. So save us both some trouble and just accept the help."_

Before I've formed a response, she's pulled the door open and left without another word.

* * *

The first thing that I do when she leaves is open up every single window in my apartment, even if it is freezing outside, it's the best way to get rid of any smells while I take all of my laundry to my hall closet and stack it next to the washer/dryer. Next I scoop up all of my shoes and dump them into my closet that is emptier now that Britt's stuff is gone.

I pause as I look at the empty hangers and feel a knot in my chest loosen a bit.

The first step in ending my marriage was already complete and once she signs those papers, if she EVER signs those papers...I'll finally be able to rebuild.

And cleaning up my act is only the beginning of that process.

It's been ten minutes and I know that I've got at least five more before she's back and I use every minute wisely. Bagging all the trash and emptying and stowing away my ashtrays with the exception of one.

The smoking had started recently and this was a good opportunity to try and not do it so much but I was only human. Maybe, I'll just not do it while she's here, in the spirit of second first impressions and all.

By the time that she is at the door, the apartment looks much better and looks a lot more like a home.

When I pull the door open, I step back and let her walk in without me standing in her way and like before, she stops short and looks around...this time the look of disgust isn't anywhere in sight.

Success.

* * *

_"You did a good job...just...it's colder in here than outside, how is that possible?"_ She says and actually steps into the living room this time, headed for the windows. Once she gets to one of them she hesitates and stares out of it in awe before looking back at me. _"How did you not tell me that you had an ocean view apartment?"_

I shrugged, smirking to myself._ "You never asked."_

She pulled the window down and then moved to the other one and pulled that one down too.

_"I'm incredibly jealous!"_

_"Don't be...it's so hard to heat this place because of the cold air coming off the ocean."_

_"Oh poor you! The beautiful Atlantic Ocean is at your disposal and you're too cold to enjoy it!"_ She said, chuckling and shaking her head as she stared out at the view that I had begged and pleaded with Papi to get me._ "You know, once you get yourself together...maybe for Christmas...you'll let me bring Beth up here to see this view?"_

_"Um...sure. She can come anytime."_ I practically stutter before moving towards my room... _"I'll be right back. The plates are in the kitchen, I'm going to go close the other windows and pump up the heat."_

Once I'm in my room, I can't help but beam from ear to ear, just thinking of how excited Quinn seemed to bring Beth here to be around me. Talk about motivation to get my shit together faster.

Maybe the chance to be a part of Quinn's perfect family wasn't so distant after all.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

Once her apartment was cleaned up, it took on a complete different feel and so did she.

It was like the time that she took out to clean while I was gone did her some good and maybe that's just it. Springing up on her seemed to do the opposite of what I had intended, instead of being a happy surprise it just seemed to maximize her stress.

Lesson learned.

We ate dinner in relative silence and then she loaded me down with boxers and a big Louisville Cardinals Cheerleading sweat shirt and then told me to take my time showering because she needed to make a private phone call and having absorbed the lesson of giving her the space that she seemed to crave, I did what she asked and lingered in the shower and then took extra long getting dressed before actually heading back to the living room.

I stood in the hallway watching her as she stood there with her phone clutched in her hands staring out the window...seeing her like this made my heart ache.

She's just so naturally beautiful, no matter how sick she looks and in this moment, there is a peace on her face that she didn't have when I first walked into that bar earlier. Even if she still had so much darkness just floating in the air around her.

There was so much that I didn't know and that she seemed to want to keep from me, I wanted to be patient but seeing her like this made me feel like I was going to lose her to her own demons and that was the last thing that I wanted for her...for us.

So, I decided that where she needed space and I had given it to her, she also needed comfort and I knew that she would never ask for that.

Even with me, she tries to hide how much she needs to be held but the very evidence of her letting me hold her hand for just about the whole way home, told me more than enough.

* * *

Without hesitation, I stepped behind her and wrapped my hands around her waist and rested my head against her shoulder. The smell of smoke was in her hair and faintly on her clothes and I knew immediately that the break had been for more than a phone call and I couldn't be mad at her for that.

She sighed and remained stiff for a moment but loosened up and settled into my embrace pretty quickly.

_"Did you actually make a call?"_ I asked, even though it was none of my business.

_"Yeah."_ Her voice sounded very far away as she stared at the blackness outside the window. _"Um...it was my dad...he and my mom went to Whitney's and got Brittany to sign the papers."_

_"Papers?"_ Okay...wait...she actually served Brittany with papers?

_"So that was true? The rumor that you gave her divorce papers as soon as she woke up from her coma?" _

She stiffened in my arms and I held on tighter not allowing her to pull away...note to self, don't mention the rumors that I've heard.

_"Seriously? Shit, I waited for her to be able to talk...she'd been awake for a month and I had been talking to her about the divorce. I asked her if I gave the papers to her, would she sign them and she nodded so I did but once her mom found out...let's just say Brittany suddenly changed her mind."_ She sounded bitter and I didn't blame her.

_"So Whitney has been making this hell for you?"_

_"Ha...that's not even half of how bad she's making everything and with the doctors saying that Brittany probably won't be able to walk again and that she's not going to be able to care for herself properly for a very long time, she's in diapers for Christ's sake, I am the antithesis of evil."_

_"Can I ask though...why you did it now? It's not like she's much of a threat any more."_

She pulled away from me but only to turn around and face me, there were tears in her eyes and anger all in her features.

_"Because, Q...your recovery was a miracle but this...what Brittany did to herself...they don't think she's going to bounce back from it. The longer that I waited the harder it was going to be to walk away and I couldn't do that...I couldn't stay with her just because of this."_

_"Is that the only reason?"_ I crossed my arms over myself and tried to not take anything personally but I'm vain and a bit selfish by nature so it was hard not to but I still tried.

She shook her head and shrugged.

_"That picture you sent me...the one in front of the LOVE statue...I wanted to be in that picture and every other picture forever. Getting trapped with Brittany meant that I'd be choosing her once again, instead of choosing you and I just couldn't make that mistake again."_

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

I couldn't take the silence, I had to do something.

So I gripped my old college shirt that hung off of her so well, pulled her against me and pressed my lips against hers...hoping to God that the vibes she had been throwing my way all day were leading to this point anyway.

Her lips pressed back against mine soft at first and then more urgent as her hand now gripped the back of my neck and held me in place. She nipped at my lips and let out breathy moans as she pulled away for only split seconds to breathe before kissing me even harder.

My hands were every where, her hips and then her ass, more moans, more nipping and I can't help but allow myself to enjoy this moment. The papers were signed and her conscious was clear as I walked us towards the couch, not wanting to move to the bedroom just yet.

I wanted her bad but I was hoping that I would have her forever and there was no need to rush it.

If I had my way this would be a normal thing between us, kissing and touching like nothing else mattered, even though with us everything always does.

* * *

I had kissed her first.

I had moved us to the couch but when all was said and done, it's her that is hovering above me, knees on either side of my lap...hands resting on the back of the couch as she continues to kiss me like this is the only thing that she's been thinking about since forever.

My hands are on her hips gripping her tight and waiting...so patiently for her to make the next move because if I've learned anything at all from the way that Brittany can make you feel utterly powerless, Quinn needed more than anything to feel like she was in control of this situation and I would NOT take that from her.

She put up a front but I know just how fragile she is, just as much as she knows how much of a sap I am under all my bullshit.

Match made in the stars, we are.

How is it possible that she's melted my heart so quickly?

Maybe because she's never left it, even for a second.

* * *

Her kisses are on the move now. The way that the softness of her lips travels to my ear has me tilting my head to give her more space to do whatever she wants with me.

I'm at her mercy and I like it, apparently so does she.

_"I've wanted this for so long."_ She whispers. _"Every time you put your hair up, I always found myself wanting to nibble on this ear."_

_"Just this one?"_ I chuckle and she bites down, just enough to sting and I hiss in pleasure...because none of this could hurt...not with her.

_"Hmmmm...no. How's that song go...I wanna lick, lick, lick you from your head to your toes..."_ She sang and I felt every nerve ending in my body sizzle with sensations that I haven't had in a very long time._ "I wanna move from the bed, down to the, down to the floor...I wanna uh...uh...make it so good you don't wanna leave..."_ And she's kissing again.

_"Just let me know, know...oh God...what's your fanta-tasy."_ I mutter just as she bites down on my neck hard enough to mark and then kisses the spot in apology.

_"Is this okay?"_ She asks me, pulling back so that we are face to face again. I should be the one asking this question but apparently, in her eyes, I'm more fragile that she is.

And she's probably right.

_"Honestly..."_ I'm not sure what comes next but I don't even get a chance to decide because her phone started chiming and she doesn't even try to ignore it.

_"Hold that thought."_ She says, jumping off my lap and stumbling to the kitchen where she left her phone.

While she's gone, I sit up and straighten out my hair, doing my best to be my sexiest when she returns.

But reality has different plans.

* * *

I'm sitting there...getting restless after at least five minutes, when she finally returns to the room.

The first thing I notice is that she has her coat on over my sweater now and has somehow managed to get her pants and shoes on while keeping the phone pressed between her head and shoulder.

Was she leaving?

_"It's going to be take me some time but if it's an emergency...are you okay...oh...well no, I can't then. Because I'm in New York."_ She looks at me and bites her swollen lips. _"Never mind why I'm in New York...it's not important."_

Ouch.

* * *

I tune the rest of her conversation out and grab the pack of cigarettes that I left on the coffee table. Her eyebrows go up as she watches me pull one out and put it to my lips.

All while she stares hard at me.

If this is a test of me being able to read her mind, then I'm failing as I light it and inhale all the toxins that will calm my frayed nerves and release all of my pushed buttons.

_"No."_ She says as she walks towards me casually. I'm thinking that she's going to sit on the couch so I move over to make room when the cigarette is taken from my fingers. I want to snap at her but then I see her put it to her own lips and then hesitating._ "Damnit, Mother...no. I will not stop what I'm doing to come back to Lima."_ She says and then takes a long drag.

Bliss is on her face as she holds in her breath before letting out the smoke. I feel like a bad influence on her but shit, I don't care at the moment.

Neither of us has quite been ourselves these past few months and we had been on our way to fixing it before Judy decided to tear our fantasy apart.

_"I answered because my child is not with me and I can't miss a call that might actually be urgent. Russell is not urgent. Ever." _She kicks off her shoes and sits down next to me...her hand on my thigh as the cigarette dangles from her lips.

I reach for it but she turns her face and squeezes my thigh before moving her hand up between my legs and resting it there. I know she can feel the heat coming from me, even in these jeans and I boldly push against her. She looks at me and raises an eyebrow as she listens to her mother go on and on about whatever family emergency there is.

She pushes her hand down and I feel a jolt of pleasure as she does it in just the right way. I bite back a moan and she can tell because there's a sneaky little light in her eyes.

I snatch the cigarette back since both of her hands are occupied and she presses her hand down again in response. I nearly drop the thing and set us both on fire but thankfully I don't because that would really mess the mood up even more.

_"Okay...look...Beth wants to spend Christmas in New York, every year Shelby took her to Broadway and to skate at Rockefeller plaza and I'd like to give her that."_ She moves her hand from where it's been resting at the mention of Beth because the conversation has turned serious. _"No. I don't care if I'm her birth mom, Shelby was the only mom she knew until recently and I'm not going to erase that part of her life. Look, I'm busy...I'll call you when I get home. I don't need the lecture. I'm an adult...no...no...I don't care. Yes...I always think about Beth. No. Enough, mother...goodbye...no. Bye!"_

Okay...maybe I am important after all. She hangs up the phone and puts it on the coffee table before sitting back and staring at the ceiling.

_"What happened?"_ I ask, handing the cigarette back to her but she just takes it and puts it out in the empty ashtray. Whatever moment of rebellion she was having has passed and she's back to being in this moment...at least...for the most part.

* * *

_"It's dumb and not worth repeating. She knows I'm here...she knows I'm with you and by tomorrow...the whole town will probably know. Namely Brittany and I'm sorry if being here fucks up the divorce but I couldn't let you spend this holiday alone and-"_ She's babbling and I can't help but to lean over pull her lips against mine.

Maybe it was to shut her up or maybe, just maybe I don't care about anything other than the fact that she chose me right back and God help me, I think I love her even more for it.

_"What was that for?"_ She asks as I pull back and look into those amazing eyes.

_"For loving me as I am...and meeting me in my darkness and turning the light on."_

She kissed me back and then smiled._ "You're such a sappy dork, you know that right?"_

_"Shit...did my face turn into a mirror again?" _I teased and she let out a giggle...like a legit all out giggle and it was the cutest thing that I think I've ever heard.

_"I will always turn the light on by the way. I'm always going to love you as you are and give you what you need. Even when you don't know you need it. You were right earlier, I see that now. I don't want to save you, I want you to save yourself. Because you are way too flawless-"_

_"We are too flawless."_ I corrected.

She rolled her eyes but didn't miss a beat.

_"We are too flawless to be damsels in distress. We've got to save ourselves..."_

_"Even if I've been doing a shitty job of that."_

She looked around the room and then back at me and shook her head.

_"No...that's not true. Stop beating yourself up. If you want to be in that family picture. If you want to be more than stolen moments then you already know what you need to do to get there and I know you will do it in your own way but the Santana that I love, gets what she wants in the end."_

_"Do I?"_

_"You already know the answers to the stupid questions. I love you and I'm going to keep loving you...even through your darkness...just like you loved me, pink hair and all."_

* * *

**_A/N: This chapter feels like a fever dream. I have been writing it for three days and it is the longest chapter thus far. I hope you liked it. I hope...I hope that it gives you a little happiness. Yes I said it's a slow burn and yes I realize how far in we are but I hope you'll stick it out with me because we've hit bottom already so I'm just writing our way up! :) Next chapter is Christmas...fitting because as I type this, Christmas is seven days away. I didn't look for errors because I never do...I'm feeling slightly better so I might just be back by the end of the weekend. Would you want that? Something short and light and fluffy?  
_**

_**Let me know! Review...I put my heart into this one and I want to know if you felt it. Thanks for reading! Hasta Luego!** _


	36. Chapter 36:Compare Scars

**Compare Scars (To Kill A King)**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

It was like word vomit and the wonder in her eyes is making me anxious. I hate the uncertainty that is clawing at my insides and threatening to tear me apart.

_"I need a drink...how about you?"_ I ask, my mind was on hyper drive and my hands were beginning to shake.

How was I here? Her being here with me is still unbelievable.

Despite my interruption, the light didn't leave her eyes, her smile just got smug and she nodded.

_"Actually...I will."_

_"Good! Why don't you pick a movie and I'll go make some margaritas."_ I said, forcing a smile through my blind panic as I stood up from the couch without even glancing at her.

I needed a moment...several moments actually and I was hoping that she would get it.

Get me.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV  
**

* * *

A lesser person would have taken her abrupt change of subject personally but Santana can be a bit of a coward sometimes and I can't say that I didn't expect it.

In fact, I was actually happy to see more and more glimpses of the Santana that she was at Mr. Schue's wedding...back before Brittany sunk her claws back into her.

She rushed into the kitchen, her fingers running through her hair as she tried her best to soothe the panic that she was no doubt feeling.

The ink wasn't even dry on her divorce papers and here I was throwing myself into her lap but you know what? I feel no shame.

She needed this...me.

Sure, she might be overwhelmed at the moment but she'll get past it.

Especially after she's had a few drinks.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

**_...FIRST MARGARITA..._**

_"What the hell are we watching, Q?"_

_"It's a semi-autobiographical docu-thriller...I can never watch this at home. Is it that bad? You don't like it?"_ She asks, her eyebrow arched and her bottom lip between her teeth, my God I want to be the one to bite that lip.

_"No. Not really but that's probably because..." _I trailed off, thinking it would be better to shut up. _"Forget it."  
_

_"Too late...tell me...Because what, Santana?"_ She asks, pausing the movie so that she can give me her full attention.

_"Never mind."_ I say, stealing the remote back and pressing play.

She snatches the remote back and is glaring at the side of my face.

_"No. Say what you were going to say...I won't be upset."_ Her tone is too sweet and I should know better but I've got liquid courage and she asked.

_"It's fine, let's watch."_ I say as sweetly as I can before downing the last of my drink and then returning my eyes to the screen, doing my best to pretend to watch the most depressing documentary ever created because I don't want to be an asshole...but her glare is starting to burn.

_"Tell me." _She is whining now and I've got way too much liquid courage in me so I blurt it out.

_"I guess I just thought...Britt always watched Disney. I thought...I expected..."_ I looked at her and she was mid eye roll as she sipped her drink and stared at the screen.

_"Oh." _Was her response after a beat. She tipped up her glass and emptied it with ease before reaching for the pitcher and refilling our glasses._ "We can watch Frozen if you want? Beth is obsessed, I think I know all the words."_

* * *

**QUINN'S POV_  
_**

* * *

The most valuable lesson that I learned from Sue Sylvester is that people will treat you how you allow them to treat you. I can take what Santana says when it comes to Brittany one of two ways...I can coddle her each time that Brittany comes up or I can refuse to acknowledge that it doesn't bother me and move past it.

Neither one of those things comes easy.

But I need to try because whether I like it or not, Brittany has a hold over Santana...it's evident just looking at her state of being and the way her apartment was when I first got here.

The ink isn't dry on the divorce papers...and now, I can't fucking concentrate on the movie that I haven't been able to see because Beth owns the remote in my apartment.

**_...HALFWAY THROUGH SECOND MARGARITA..._**

My feeling are uncontrollable...it's like Brittany is in the room with us and I can't stand it.

The lights are off and despite her earlier disapproval, the movie has picked up and I can see that it's piqued her interest.

But that can come later...for now...I need to erase the tension that I can't tell if I'm imagining.

_**...LAST DROP OF SECOND MARGARITA...**_

I don't stop to think as I put my glass down on the table, instead I just act.

Please God, make her receptive, I can't take anymore Brittany talk tonight.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

The tempo of the music score has changed and I'm feeling a little more into this shitty documentary than I thought I'd be and she's completely silent.

Seems like the awkward shit is behind us.

I don't even notice her moving closer until her lips are attacking my neck, each kiss and nibble sending shock waves right to wear her hand is now resting.

This time there is no phone call to distract her from touching me wherever she wants.

My eyes are closed as she climbs into my lap, her legs straddling mine just like earlier but instead of her hands resting on the back of the couch they are in my hair as her lips make their way from my neck to my face and finally our mouths ar colliding and I'm tasting her.

She's got anger in her movements and the pain of her biting my lip like I had wanted to do to her, is combined with her grinding her heat against my stomach.

My hands are on her thighs, rubbing back and forth, trying to be on their best behavior but who knows how long that can last.

_"Take me to your bedroom."_ She growls and I want badly to obey but she's been drinking and the last thing I want is for her to regret this in the morning.

I pull back from her continuing kisses and try to find her eyes in the darkness, the flicker of light from the television is only enough for me to see a shadow of her face.

_"I don't want to take advantage of you...maybe we should-"_ I'm cut off by her lips once again attacking me, my earlobe is being treated to her attention and I'm puddy as my arms wrap around her waist._ "Q...please, I'm trying to do the right thing."_ I groan.

_"I promise, you will be the only being taken advantage of."_ She whispers in my ear and I'm gushing...

How can I argue with that logic?

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

She deposited me on the bed and looked at me with questioning eyes, I think she was waiting for me throw up or pass out but I was more coherent than either of us expected.

I stood up and immediately got to work, using my height as an advantage...even if it was just by a hair. I ripped at the jacket that she was still wearing and then made short work of her shirt.

The only time I stopped was when she was standing there topless and I could see just how bad her eating habits had been.

Her ribs were visible but I tried to look past it. We'd work on her issues...now though, I wanted to work on her soul.

_"You're beautiful."_ I said when my ogling of her ribs seemed to be noticed. She didn't smile or even acknowledge my complement...instead tears were pooling in her eyes.

_"We should stop...I just...I'm not fit to give you what you want, Q."_

And unlike Brittany...who didn't understand words like 'stop' or 'no'...I nodded and instead opened my arms for her.

_"Can I at least hold you?"_ I asked.

She looked at the floor and I thought she'd break down but she just grabbed her shirt and then stood up, her eyes a little damp and brought the shirt to her chest.

_"I'd like that..." _She said, sounding like she was about to get weepy but it seemed she was doing her best to contain it._ "Is that okay?"_

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV  
**

* * *

I'm sure she thinks it's because of me being sick looking because I'm not blind to my own appearance but I'm not sure that's what it is that made me stop her.

Everything right now is deeper than the surface for me but I think she might understand it.

She doesn't act rejected, instead she begins to strip her clothes off as she makes her way to the doorway...I'm watching her...waiting for her to hold me like she had asked but she turns to look at me, her eyes practically glowing as she holds her hand out.

Her naked body looking just as fit and tight as the last time I had seen it.

_"Can I hold you in the tub?"_ She asks and I feel a pang in my chest. Baths were something special between me and Brittany...but that was over. I wanted...no I NEEDED to move past her.

So despite the knot in my chest and every instinct wanting to get all sappy and cry, I finished undressing and then took her hand and let her lead me to the bathroom.

Each step felt monumental as we made our way across the hall to the tub that was the location of my last bath with Brittany.

She has no idea how hard this is for me and I don't want her to...Brittany had been the wall between us for far too long.

And so even though this was ripping me wide open, I welcomed the scars that would follow.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

It's a bold move and while she may not realize that I know more about her and her ex-wife than I let on, I absolutely know what she's thinking and feeling.

And I don't fucking care...if I have my way, I will replace every sweet memory that she has with Brittany and replace it with one of our own.

Call it selfish but I think it will heal us both.

* * *

My back is resting against the back of the bathtub, my knees bent as I wait for her to sit against me.

She's hesitant at first but after a moment, she settles back against me and lets out a low exhale as I kiss that special place behind her ear.

_"I'm going to do whatever it takes to save you from yourself...and we will go however fast or slow you want."_

She chuckled, her body vibrating against mine as she takes in my words.

_"I feel like I should be saying that to you...she hurt you too."_

I kissed her neck and squeezed her tighter against me. She moaned and I fought my urge to take that as a welcome sign to keep going.

Holding back was torture but for her I will.

_"I've been in therapy, I'm moving past what happened. It's beginning to feel like an old scar...I know it hurt but I don't think I feel the pain so deeply. I think I'm in a better place than you are. Am I right?"_

She nodded and craned her neck, giving me more access to her neck and shoulder and I didn't disappoint.

My kisses were soft and they were accompanied by nibbles because eating her up was never far from my mind.

_"I guess so."_

_"So since sex seems to be off the table for now...can we talk about something that's been bothering me?"_ I asked...well aware that this could go bad.

_"Do I have a choice?"_ She groaned.

_"Not really...but I can let you think you do, if that helps?"_ I asked, being bold and turning her face just enough for my lips to brush hers.

She groaned and squirmed against me but she didn't pull away.

_"Just don't let me go and I'll tell you whatever you want to know."_

* * *

**_A/N: I stopped myself before this got darker...you're welcome. That Christmas chapter is still coming...I'm halfway through it. You won't get it today but tomorrow is definitely looking likely.  
_**

_**This band was suggested to me and I couldn't help to write a filler chapter...** _


	37. Chapter 37:All I Want For Christmas

**All I Want For Christmas Is You (Mariah Carey)**

* * *

_"Bendicion, Papi."_ I practically hummed into the phone when it rang because today was shaping up to be a good day.

_"Dios te bendiga. Where are you? Are you busy?"_

_"Uh...not yet, I'm in a cab. Why, what's up?"_

_"Your landlord called me, said he was returning my check for next year's rent. I thought we talked about me helping you back onto your feet once Brittany came back to Lima. Didn't we?"_

_"We did."_

_"So then why did he return the check?"_

_"I paid for half of January because that's all that I'm going to need."_

_"Did you find another place?"_

_"Something like that."_

_"Why are you being coy, Santana? You know I try to deal in absolutes. Are you in trouble?" _

_"Am I in trouble? No."_

_"Should I be concerned?"_

_"Not concerned, no. Look, I've just been holding back from telling you about what's going on until it's all finalized. Because I know how much you like those absolutes."_

_"Is this bad news? Do I need to come out there? Is Whitney messing with you?"_

_"No, it's incredibly good news Papi. You will be ecstatic when I tell you about it."_

_"I'm not so sure that I believe you."_

_"Papi, I have to go, I have a meeting that I'm running late for. I'll call you back tonight...you're __still __having your weekly dinner date with Mami today right?"_

He cleared his throat and grunted, he was embarrassed. How cute! Up until I graduated high school, my parents had been trying to keep these dinners a secret...although I should have guessed they were doing something along those lines because it was near impossible to play them against each other when I wanted something.

They always seemed to be on the same page when it came to me, it was infuriating.

When I did find out though, I thought it was sweet that they still do it, a part of me thinks its because they still love each other.

A girl can hope, right?

_"Um...yes."_

_"Good. I'll call you then, that way you're together when I tell you the news."_

_"Just promise me that you aren't getting back with Brittany and that you didn't propose to anyone else!"_

_"I promise."_

_"Good."_

* * *

I slung my bag over my shoulder and followed the directions from the main reception desk until I found the office that I was looking for.

The first thing that stuck out to me was how sleek everything was, the black walls, the silver trim and the three monitors that sat behind the reception desk that were playing a mix between news, weather, and some reality show.

_"Good morning, can I help you, Ma'am?"_ The receptionist asked me as she gave me a once over. It was one of the first times that I had been called Ma'am in my life and I was instantly annoyed.

When she smiled, I failed to point out the lipstick on her teeth and tried to remember my new resolve to be nicer.

She was the gatekeeper to what I wanted, I couldn't make enemies so soon.

_"Santana Lopez, here to see Carla Rico."_ I said in my most saccharine voice.

_"Yes! She's been out here twice to look for you before deciding to take a call. Have a seat and I'll see if she's done. Can I get you anything, tea, coffee?"_

_"No thank you, I'm wired enough as it is."_ I admitted and she smiled sweetly in return.

_"Great, I'll let Carla know you arrived."_

_"Thank you."_

I waited for her to walk away before sneaking a peak at my phone. I had under two hours before I needed to be somewhere just as important and so hopefully, I wouldn't be too late.

* * *

I had just turned off my ringer and tucked my phone in my purse when the click of high heels caught my attention.

The shoes were Louboutins and from the look of it, brand new.

Mami always says that you can trust a woman that can strut in a pair of expensive heels. Hopefully she was right.

Carla was the spitting image of her father, which immediately put me at ease because he is one of the only people I trust implicitly.

I stood up and put out my hand, trying to remain formal but she had other plans.

_"Santana! It's so good to see you again. How are you?"_ She said, ignoring my hand and pulling me into a hug.

My God, she even smelled expensive.

I hugged back and then tried to pull away as naturally as possible, thankfully, she followed suit and it wasn't awkward.

My boobs were already sweating, the panic was setting in but I needed to be calm, I knew that I had this in the bag.

Be cool, Lopez.

* * *

_"I'm great. Frankly, I'm surprised that you remember me with all the craziness the last time you visited your dad."_

_"Tell me about it! I thought my mom was going to throw my sister-in-law clear across the room! You did good cutting her off when you did."_

_"Thanks! I consider it a professional necessity, knowing people's limits before they do."_

_"Touche, I think you can apply that kind of logic to more than just bartending."_

_"True."_

_"My father is lucky to have you, he raves about you so much and so I was excited to hear that you were interested in our program, then I saw your transcripts...come into my office. Did Angie offer you something to drink?"_

She looked at the receptionist who's head popped up at the mention of her name.

_"She did, I'm okay."_

_"You sure?"_

Angie looked nervous and I smiled to myself, thinking that's what she gets for calling me Ma'am.

Carla seemed just as nice as Carlo always said she was but if she was anything like her father, her temper was just as wicked.

_"Definitely." _ I said, not wanting anymore enemies in my life._  
_

_"Oh God, Angie, relax will you. Santana's VIP, I wanted to make sure you were on your toes."_

_"No need for special treatment, really. I'm okay."_ I stressed and Carla let out a chuckle and patted me on the back.

_"Alright then, lets see about your future then! I need you to explain to me why on Earth you dropped out of Louisville with a perfect GPA?"_

_"Because I was destined to be here of course." _I schmoozed and she grinned.

Things were definitely looking up.

* * *

By the time that I left Carla's office, there was nothing that could bring me down, not even Whitney calling from a blocked number almost as soon as I turned my ringer back on.

_"Hello?" _

_"Santana! Why have you been ignoring my calls?!" _

_"What calls? You haven't so much as texted since you left New York."_ I said, as I made my way to the curb and lifted up a hand for the next cab.

_"Sure I have!"_

She wanted to pick a fight but today I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction.

_"How can I help you, Whitney?"_ I asked as I climbed into the cab. I pressed the phone to my chest and leaned forward,_ "21st and Pine."_

Whitney was finishing up a long explanation when I put the phone back to my ear that I knew was leading to her demanding more money but still...I wasn't the least bit annoyed.

* * *

_"...so that's why I need you to pay us five thousand dollars."_ She finished and I just put my head back and closed my eyes as the cab moved towards my destination.

_"Brittany signed the divorce papers, they've been filed and the alimony we agreed on was clear. I had to pay $300 a month for the first year. My father gave you a check for the whole amount on the same day that she signed those papers. You cashed it two weeks ago. I don't need to give you another cent. My debt to Brittany is paid in full." _

_"I can take you to court!"_ She screeched.

_"I'll wait for my summons. Merry Christmas, Whitney." _I said, before ending the call without a second thought._  
_

Like I said, nothing was going to ruin today for me.

* * *

It was just after six when the cab pulled to a stop on the corner of 21st and Pine. I thanked the cab driver and paid him extra just for getting me here quickly. It was Christmas season after all, I'm sure he could use the extra cash.

The sun had just gone down and from what I could tell, my timing was perfect. I brushed my fingers through my hair and straightened out my jacket before making my way towards Quinn's new place.

Tomorrow Quinn and Beth were supposed to be heading to New York and I was here to surprise them as an escort to the city.

**_Hey Q, wyd?-Santana_**

I took a moment to appreciate the townhouse she was living in now, happy that it was actually a bit balmy out because otherwise it would be ridiculous to wait for a message back.

_**Figuring out dinner...any ideas? :/-Quinn**_

_**How about, you two just go out with me?-Santana**_

_**Huh?-Quinn**_

I couldn't help smiling to myself when I knocked on the door. I heard shuffling steps and then the blinds shifted. A little face peaked from behind them and then an identical version hovered above it.

Shock registered on Quinn's face and then a huge grin soon followed.

_"Who's that?" _I could see Beth asking.

_"Santana."_ Quinn responded and then there was a rush of footsteps to the door.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

I'd had the worst day, a client who I had been observing with my professor had committed suicide this morning, then one of the kids that I was mentoring got arrested. I was so distracted and distraught that I was late dropping off Beth for school and then again I was late picking her up.

What made things worse was that Beth was the ONLY kid in her class without a gift for her teacher.

I was justifiably overwhelmed and dinner was just one more thing that I couldn't seem to get right.

Despite it all, I'd been trying to keep my spirits up and keep Beth from seeing just how shaken up I was feeling and that's when Santana texted me.

And now, just when I feel like I want to rip my hair from my head, she shows up with a huge grin and my troubles feel a little more manageable.

_"What are you doing here?"_ Beth asked before I could.

_"Hi, Beth. I'm-"_

_"Santana, I know. We were coming to see you in New York, what are you doing here?_" Beth asked again._ "Are we not going?"_ She looked up at me with a bit of panic before looking back at Santana.

I watched the two of them and how Santana crouched down so they were at eye level a smile still on her face.

Good move on her part.

_"Well, I was hoping that I could take you and your Mama Q, to dinner tonight and then, later when you would normally be sleeping and because traffic will be lighter, I got us a limo to ride to the city in style. How's that sound?"_

Beth looked at me with a huge grin and then turned back to Santana, a scowl suddenly in place again.

_"Can I choose the restaurant?" _She asked, her bargaining tone clear and concise, like a true child of mine and Shelby's.

_"Of course you can."_

_"Yes!" _

I immediately knew where she wanted to go, it had been something she'd been pestering me about for a week now after a friend told her about it but I hadn't had the money to take her. Between tuition for both of us and this trip to New York plus her Christmas gifts, I was tapped out.

And even though I had been trying to keep that tidbit to myself, I was pretty sure that Santana already knew that.

* * *

We stepped out of the cab outside of Max Brenner...a place that encourages you to experience Chocolate with all five senses and Beth squealed in excitement.

I had been leery of the place because I had seen the price list but Santana wasn't about to deny Beth something on the first day they met.

Who would?

_"So this is it? What's so great about it? Looks like any old restaurant"_ Santana said to me as we headed for the door. Beth was practically a jumping bean as she held tight to my hand and pulled me forward.

_"You'll see!"_ Beth shrieked once the door was pulled open for us. Santana was smiling as she held the door and waited for us to go through.

The smell of chocolate hit me the moment we stepped inside.

_"Wow."_ Santana said as she stood beside me. _"This looks impressive actually."_

_"Do you see what's so great? This is her going to be her Breadstix and you got to be the first one to bring her here..."_ I said as a waiter zipped by rendering me speechless.

_"Was that..."_ Santana began and I cut her off.

_"Chocolate covered bacon. YES."_ I practically moaned. _"You're paying, right?"_

_"Yep. Get whatever you want, take some for the road if you feel like it. Papi stopped cutting me off and feels guilty for doing it in the first place, so with my bills up to date, I can actually afford to splurge a little. He'd definitely approve of me taking you two ladies out and so don't be ashamed to milk it."_

_"Are you sure?"_

She flagged down the hostess and proceeded to ignore my proper etiquette. _"Hey lady, can you seat us?"_

A hostess rushed over looking apologetic and then led us to a booth.

_"Enjoy!"_

_"Oh we will."_ Santana said. _"Can you put a order of that chocolate covered bacon in before anything else?"_

The hostess hesitated but then Santana handed her a bill folded up so I couldn't see what it was and the woman immediately nodded with a smile.

_"I'll let your waiter know."_

_"And the kitchen!"_ She called after the hostess.

It was very old school Santana of her.

Can I just say that in the four weeks between Thanksgiving and now, she looks absolutely great. She's got meat on her bones, her hair is shiny again and her clothes look like they've been washed recently.

I'm not one to take credit...well yes...yes I am, I think maybe I had something to do with this.

I'll just take this meal as a thank you and try not to think about how she is way too old to have her father padding her bank account when I think about her having grown up.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

We had just had the most amazing meal in the world and were now trying to burn off some of the sugar high as we walked through Rittenhouse Square Park, it was nice to be able to enjoy the warm weather, in December no less, in such great company.

_"Wasn't it great?"_ Beth squealed.

_"Definitely."_

_"Can I dance, Mama?" _Beth asked when spotted a drum circle.

_"Go for it Sweets."_

We had just stopped to watch Beth dance along to the conga drums, when my phone rang.

I saw Papi's picture and suddenly remembered my promise to call him, it was almost ten here which meant that his dinner with my mother was nearly over.

* * *

_"We had an entire meal and you never called."_ Mami said straightaway, not giving me time to even say a word._ "We are way too nosy and uptight for you to keep us waiting like this Santana." _

_"Bendicion, Mami, Papi." _I said, knowing that the phone was probably sitting on the table between them on speakerphone.

_"Dios te bendiga, Tata. So what are you up to, why didn't you call yet? Where are you that there is so much noise at this time of night?"_

Quinn was watching me as I moved to the nearest bench and sat down. She glanced towards Beth and pointed towards the bench.

Beth looked over and nodded without missing a step. The kid definitely had some rhythm.

Beth ran in circles in front of the street drummers who were now collecting more tips. She was hopefully burning off some of that energy she got from that chocolate infused paradise we had just left.

We were all laughing and smiling, it felt amazing to feel so free.

This kid seemed to contain all the joy that Quinn had always suppressed by both choice and necessity in some cases.

* * *

_"I'm in Philly visiting Quinn and Beth, I lost track of time. I'm putting you on speaker, Quinn's next to me."_

Mami squealed and then Papi said something snarky in Spanish that I couldn't quite make out but I didn't worry about it, he loved Quinn just as much as my mother did.

_"Hi Maribel! Hey Pop!"_ Quinn said once the phone was on speaker and then for a solid two minutes the three of them proselytized on just how good it was that I was getting my act together and taking this thing with Quinn seriously.

I groaned and sighed and sucked my teeth.

Papi, finally, saw fit to end the tangent after I sighed loudly about sixteen times.

_"Okay, okay, obviously Santana has something important to tell us, so hurry up and tell us Tata, so we can go back to our gossip!"_ He chuckled.

_"I want you all to be the first to know that I'm going back to school, here, in Philly. I was able to fill the spot of a dropout, ironically. I'll be able to move right into the dorms and everything."_ Quinn's eyes got wide as she clasped her hands under her chin and looked at me in awe.

My parents were speechless.

_"Where?" _Q asked, her grin beautiful and excited._  
_

_"Drexel."_

_"That's near my school! I can't wait. If our schedules allow we can probably have lunch every day! Beth is going to be so excited that I have a new friend in town, she says I don't get out enough."_ Quinn said enthusiastically as she glanced at a still dancing Beth a few feet from us.

* * *

_"When will you start, Tata? It must be January if you didn't re-sign the lease. Is this why you are giving up your apartment because you didn't have to do that, your mother and I wouldn't mind having a place on the East Coast."_ Papi chimed in.

_"Wait, you're giving up that amazing apartment?"_ Quinn cut back in. _"Oh that's sad."_

_"I know! I was thinking we should keep it. Places like that don't come a dime a dozen!"_ Mami added.

_"So you think we should keep it then?"_ Papi said.

_"YES!"_ Quinn and Mami said at the same time.

And then the three of them were discussing the pros and cons of keeping the apartment.

They seemed done with me, so I gave Quinn the phone and walked over to Beth.

I was not going to get annoyed.

* * *

Once Beth saw me, she grinned and stopped dancing. The smile on her face was a duplicate of Quinn's and the way she moved so effortlessly seemed to be something else she had inherited from her mother.

This kid was only five and was already a powerhouse!

_"Is it time to go?"_ She asked and I shook my head.

_"Not yet, I just wanted to tell someone my news that wasn't going to change the subject and I can't get Mama Q and my parents to stop talking long enough to tell them everything."_

_"You can tell me!"_ She said happily.

_"I'm going college next month at Drexel here in Philly. I'm going to be a producer."_

_"A producer? What's that?"_

_"The people who make the music and tv shows."_

_"Like a singer or a actor?"_ She asked excitedly.

_"Kind of."_

_"That's great! Will you move in with us? Can I get your autograph?"_ She asked, I glanced at Quinn who was watching the conversation with a smirk but still talking to my parents without missing a beat.

_"I'm going to live at school but I will be closer so we can go back to Chocolate Heaven anytime you want. You won't need my autograph but you can have it."_

_"Yeah?!"_ She shrieked and then threw herself at me, wrapping herself around my legs and squeezing tight. _"That's awesome!" _

_"Yeah, it is."_

When she stepped back, she turned back towards the drummer and started dancing again, this time with an even bigger smile.

_"Dance with me, Santana. We have to celebrate."_

* * *

As silly as it seemed, everything just seemed so right at that moment and so I joined in.

I had never felt so free and happy in my life.

At moments like this I am usually cautious, waiting for the other shoe to drop but that was back when I was thinking about how every thing I did affected everyone around me because Brittany had urged me to feel EVERYTHING, ALL the time.

It got exhausting and I'm glad that part of my life is mostly over.

For the first time in a long time, I was doing things for myself.

I was deciding what I wanted and going for it because that's what I deserved.

It's what Quinn, my mother, my father, and Sue would do...have done. It's an admirable trait that I want to emulate.

Brittany always urged me to be myself, as I was...no growth necessary but now without her influence I was seeing a lot clearer.

I have now gravitated toward people who have tried to live their best life and led by example, I hope to be the same way.

This is just the beginning.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

I can't stop watching her.

At first I was ready to lay claim to all the credit for getting her out of that slump she was in but this can't ALL be because of me.

This is a whole new and improved Santana.

It's like she's finally seeing her own potential and the light of that realization is radiating from her pores like a Gloworm.

She seems so content in her own skin and I'm more than grateful for it.

I'm gaga over her and it seems that I'm not the only one who knows it.

* * *

_"You like her, like her."_ Beth said to me as I helped her rearrange her suitcase for the second time.

_"Like who, sweets?"_ I asked her distractedly as I zipped up her suitcase.

Beth bounced on the bed next to the luggage and stared hard at me, her eyebrow raised.

_"You look at her like...Papa looks at you."_

_"How does he look at me?"_ I asked, shocked that she had noticed anything that Puck was throwing my way back in the summer.

_"Like you hung the moon."_ She said, sounding much wiser than her five years.

_"Where did you hear that phrase?"_ I asked, my attention fully on her now.

_"Mom always said it."_

_"Did she?" _

_"Yes, it means that you love a person so much that it makes your whole heart full."_ She had a dreamy look in her eyes that made me smile. I wasn't sure if it was because of Shelby or because Beth is endlessly dramatic in that Rachel Berry, _world is my oyster_, outlook...maybe a little of both.

I sat beside her and put an arm around her, pulling her tight against me. Respecting Shelby was now my default and this time was no different.

_"What else did she say?"_

_"That I hung the moon but...that's not totally true. She hung it for me."_ I heard her sniffle and continued to hold her as she let out a few tears.

This was her first Christmas without Shelby and it made my heart ache that I couldn't give her the mom she loved, even if it was just for a day.

She let out deep sigh.

_"I know you miss her."_

She nodded.

_"I'm sorry." _

_"Oh, sweetheart, you don't have to apologize. She will always be your mom. I don't mind sharing that title with her."_

_"You don't?"_ She looked up at me with misty eyes and I leaned over and kissed her forehead.

_"Nope. I picked her for you, so I'm glad you love her so much."_

_"I do." _

_"Good. You know what I think?"_

_"What?"_

_"I think that we all have someone that hangs the moon for us but it doesn't mean that we love other people less. I mean there are always people who hang the stars too and there are millions of those, right?."_

She looked up at me, a small smile slowly becoming bigger until she got back to her original line of questioning.

_"Does Santana hang your moon?"_ She asks, the smile becoming larger.

_"No way. I think Shelby was right, Beth, you definitely hung the moon...right Quinn?"_ Santana said from the doorway.

I nodded, surprised to see Santana standing there, her face looking so calm.

_"Really?"_ Beth asked.

Honestly, it made me happy that she was okay not hanging the moon for me. It showed me that she respected Beth's place in my life. Not many people had done that for me.

_"Yep Sweets, it was definitely you."_

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**_  
_

* * *

_"What made you do all of this?" _Quinn asked.

We were halfway to New York, Beth was passed out on seat across from us, while Quinn and I sat side by side.

At that moment our hands were clasped and hearts were open.

Who knew I could be so freaking sappy?

_"This was my first time meeting Beth since she was a baby and I wanted to impress her."_

_"Well you did...but you should know that you set the bar pretty high."_ She chuckled and I nodded in agreement. Anything after this would have to be knock her off her feet amazing.

_"I'm game."_

_"I don't know, Santana, she might just tap out all your resources and I'm not just talking financially. That kid is way smarter and energetic than we both are."_

_"We'll see about that."_

* * *

_"So...Drexel, huh? I have to know, did you choose Philly because I'm there?" _

_"You being in Philly made the decision a no brainer but I think I would have ended up there regardless. Carlo's daughter is the head of admissions and when I told him that I wanted to go back to school, he insisted that I apply and when I got accepted for fall, he set up a meeting with his daughter to see if I could get in sooner. I thought, what more of a sign do I need that being here with you is destined for us."_

_"I don't know...I saw that OTP hat you gave out at your wedding, didn't you think being with Brittany was destiny too?"_

I shrugged and put an arm over her shoulder and pulled her against me. Her hair tickled my nose as she rested her head against my shoulder.

_"Honestly, Q...I still think I was destined to marry her. If I hadn't and just kept things going with you...I would have always thought about what could have happened with her, now I know for certain that she and I could NEVER be more than friends. Anyway, I always knew that you and I would end up together, deep, deep down."_

_"That was a pretty big risk you took then. What if I turned you away instead of letting you into my heart. I have never been the most predictable person."_

_"If you say so."_

She huffed and cuddled closer.

_"I do say so...you though, still have me beat. I had no idea that you wanted to go back to school. I thought you hated college."_

_"No. I hated that it was chosen for me. There was nothing in Louisville for me."_

_"And there is in Philly?"_

Beth was cuddling her stuffed bunny just across from us with a peaceful expression and I knew for certain that my face probably mirrored the same sentiment.

This was it...this was the feeling that I THOUGHT I had with Brittany. Nothing else in the world could be as perfect as this feeling.

Nothing that I can imagine, that is.

_"Absolutely."_

* * *

_**ONE AND A HALF DAYS LATER...**_

* * *

_"You were right. I am EXHAUSTED. I can't believe that I'm saying this but thank the sweet Lord for Rachel Berry."  
_

_"We didn't even do much yet...Beth has a whole list that she's been checking off."_

_"No way."_

_"Yup. My kid loves lists as much as I do."_

_"Let me see this list!" _

Quinn put down her glass of wine and winked at me as she made her way to the second bedroom that she and Beth were staying in.

Sure, I had wanted Quinn with me in my bed, had planned on it but she says its too soon.

Apparently easing Beth into the idea of us together is the better approach and I begrudgingly agreed.

_"Did you find it?"_ I called out to her after she'd been gone for a few minutes. I heard a thud and then a cackle.

_"Got it!" _She walked into the kitchen waving a piece of paper around._ "She must have taken her list with her when Rachel picked her up. Thankfully for you, I made a copy."  
_

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

_"Of course you did!" _She grumbled as I put the paper down in front of her. I watched as she read over the list and then turned the page over. She looked up at me in shock._ "This list is double-sided and top to bottom on both sides, Q."_

_"I know." _

_"You two are only here until Sunday. How is she going to get all of this done, it's already Christmas Eve. She's got Saturday really because tomorrow is ice skating and the TWO Broadway shows and her flight leaves early on Sunday, right?"  
_

A lesser person would have pouted at her complaining but I thought it was hilarious.

_"Right. You didn't have to go to Times Square with us and insist on visiting every single store...she just wanted to see the big billboards, the stores were your idea."_

_"Isn't she from New York. I mean, she has lived here most of her life. Right?"_

_"She has."_

She rolled her eyes, pouted and then stuck her tongue out at me._ "Besides, if we hadn't gone to the stores we wouldn't have run into Rachel and she wouldn't have offered to take Beth to see the Rockettes tonight...so you should be thanking me."_

_"And why should I be thanking you?"_

_"Because, now you and I can have wine and can make out after we wrap my last little gifts for her." _She murmured while checking off Times Square with her pinky before proceeding to quietly count the activities that were left_. "12 things left to do, thankfully each show is on its own line or we would run out of time!"_

* * *

_"You do know the real reason we are doing this right?"_ I asked, just in case she had forgotten.

Her face cleared up and she smiled genuinely.

_"I'm just being a brat, Q...I know this is about her connection to Shelby. It's important that she not feel disconnected from Shelby. I guess that's why I convinced her to go out with Rachel. At least then she could be with someone who looks like Shelby. It will do her some good, I think, to spend time with her pseudo-sister. I'm tired but this last few days with you two has been awesome. I wouldn't trade it for anything."_

How, God, has she been in my life for all of these years and I hadn't fallen in love with her sooner?

* * *

I leaned over and landed a kiss on her lips as her head lifted. She tasted like wine and chocolate.

_"Move in with me."_ I blurted out without even thinking.

I was still leaned over the counter that she was sitting at but now I couldn't stop staring into her surprised eyes while I waited for her to respond to my spontaneous request.

Right then, I was feeling vulnerable...something that we both found hard to express but seemed to be experiencing with each other much more lately.

_"What?"_

_"Move in with me, S...it could be this awesome all the time."_

_"Q, don't get me wrong...I want to live with you forever some day soon but you just told me two days ago when I tried to get you in my bed how we needed to be slow for Beth, how will that look to her, me moving in with you a month after she's met me?"_

My world crashed down a bit but I knew that she was right.

_"I know, it was impulsive to ask. You're right. Slower is better."_

She leaned forward and kissed me hard and slow, before pulling away with a goofy, lust filled look on her face.

_"God, I want you so bad...ugh."_

_"I want you too."_

_"Slow?"_ She reiterated with a whine.

I nodded and she sighed.

_"Fine...lets get the wrapping out of the way, so we can make out some more before Beth gets back." _

_"Cold showers tonight, huh?" _I asked as I refilled my glass.

_"Definitely."_

* * *

We were sitting in the living room a while later, caught up in wrapping the presents that I had sneaked into the Limo and the ones Santana had gotten today when Beth was distracted.

Mariah Carey was crooning along with Santana when she abruptly stopped singing along to the iconic Christmas song and looked straight at me._  
_

_"You're disappointed, aren't you?" _She asked, running a hand through her hair and licking those delicious lips.

_"A little but I appreciate you holding me to my own standards."_ I admitted, not bothering to look at her for too long because if I wasn't careful, I knew that I would say something that I'd regret and/or jump her bones.

She got silent and then started humming after a moment.

_"Cool..."_

_"Yea...cool." _

I didn't miss the way that we both seemed disappointed about the same thing. It seemed like it had been 35 years since we first started figuring out where we stood with each other.

How much longer would we have to hold out?

* * *

I pushed my last wrapped gift to the side and rested back against the couch, feeling like maybe her wanting to talk about it meant she was thinking of changing her mind.

I had a three bedroom apartment...maybe I could convince her to be my roommate but she just about read my mind a moment later.

_"It's important to me that I live on my own for awhile, Q. This apartment, that bed in my room and even that couch you're leaning on, it all screams Brittany to me."_

_"Oh." _I wanted to move from where I was sitting but I wasn't going to be that petty. I knew for a fact that Brittany hadn't lived here for long.

_"The divorce is just about final but I have yet to break my ties with her. This place is really the last one and I don't think moving into your place right after leaving this one would be good for us." _She said, all while looking down at the box she was wrapping.

She was nervous but I fully understood.

* * *

_"So you don't want me to be a rebound...is that the real reason you didn't want to have sex with me the last time I was here?" _I asked, still feeling slightly rejected from that weekend.

She looked up at me, truth in her eyes and shrugged.

_"I want you, Luce...I want you more than I've wanted anything, even fame. I just want to do it right this time around. I want us to last a lifetime."_

_"That's admirable." _

She pushed her gift into the pile and looked around for another one but thankfully, we were finished. She looked at me and smiled.

_"Can I kiss you?"_ She asked as she crawled over to where I was sitting, mischief in her eyes.

How can she be so naturally hot?

How can both of us, these flawless, boss bitches even exist in the same room together?

_"You can always kiss me."_

Her lips crashed against mine, hard and desperate and I reciprocated in kind...at least until she climbed on my lap and grinded down hard against me, what should have felt good brought back a distinct memory that I had been working like hell to forget and so undoubtedly, I froze.

* * *

She still straddled my lap, sitting on my thighs but had pulled back and was staring at me with a raised brow.

_"What? Did I hurt you? Is it your back?"_

I didn't want to tell her the truth but I had to.

My therapist would urge me to.

_"This position...on the Ferris Wheel-"_ I started to say and she looked at me in horror, remembering, no doubt, that this was how Brittany sat on me.

_"Shit, I'm sorry! I didn't even think about that."_

She moved to get up but I gripped her hips and kept her there.

_"No. Stay. It was a momentary panic but I can't let what she did hold me back from being intimate. I want you right here."_ I leaned in and kissed her still lips, she belatedly kissed back and I pulled away and smiled at her. _"I want all of you when ever you're ready, you know that."_

_"I did but apparently it has to be when we are BOTH ready, not just me. I feel so stupid, I should have known better."_

_"No...you aren't her. I know you won't hurt me unless I want you to." _I smirked, trying to lighten the mood._  
_

_"Fuck."_ She groaned..._ "This shouldn't be so hard...I've screwed people with less emotion than this. Shit, I screwed Brittany without a thought most times. Why is this so different?"_

* * *

I tried not to cringe when she mentioned Brittany but I know that I failed at hiding it. Her eyes went wide as she noticed and I felt like I was just adding to the baggage heap.

Mayday, mayday...too much talking not enough action. I thought maybe turning it around would fix it...I had to do something.

We couldn't go on like this.

_"Maybe things feeling different between us just means that we're falling in love..."_ I said, hoping that my sappiness would make her forget that the very mention of her ex-wife's name made me feel violent.

_"If that's what this is, then I need to stop bringing her up, old habits die hard and that's exactly why I need to live on campus and not that third bedroom that you were probably going to offer me."  
_

Of course she guessed that. I rolled my eyes and leaned in closer.

_"I need to distract you better. We are wasting valuable alone time."_

_"Damn right."_

I raised my hands to her face and pulled it towards me, kissing her with everything I had.

Sex wasn't on the table, neither was moving in together but kissing...I could give her that and I planned to convey everything that I felt in every kiss.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

Beth got home around midnight and groggily kissed her mother before going straight to bed without another word.

It seemed that her energetic, exuberance was no match for the boundless energy coming off of Rachel who was beaming from ear to ear when I opened the door.

_"Merry Christmas, Santana. Beth picked this out for you,"_ She held a red wrapped gift in her hands, _"Where can I put it?"_

I thrust a thumb backwards towards the living room.

_"Merry Christmas Rachel, the tree is in the living room. Can I get you anything? Wine, vegan egg nog, a medal for actually being a match for Beth's energy?"_

_"Actually..."_ She began as she stepped into my place, looking around at everything she could while she still could, being as this was the first time she had ever been here. She put the present under the tree and then wrapped Quinn in a hug before turning towards me._ "I was wondering if I could stay here tonight. My dads are in two different places, Kurt and Blaine are back in Lima, and Mercedes is in LA...so...I was hoping that maybe I could tag along with you for Christmas, maybe even __go skating __tomorrow ?"_

And that's when I noticed the overnight bag over her shoulder.

_"Gotta give it to you Berry, you come prepared."_ I snarked. Quinn shot me a look and promptly reminded me of her endless soft spot for Rachel.

_"Beth said you have tickets to two shows tomorrow and since I still have connections on Broadway...I could probably get those too...or I could go home for a bit...I just don't want to spend the whole day alone..."_

Quinn began to speak...probably to invite Rachel before I had the chance to shoot her down but I knew Quinn better than she realized and managed to speak first.

_"You can stay, Rachel, the more the merrier. I'm sure Beth would love it."_

_"Thank you so much! I really appreciate your hospitality."_

_"Say that again after you sleep on that couch tonight."_ Her eyes went wide and Quinn was glaring again, so I filled in the blanks._ "What? It's memory foam. Chill."_

* * *

_"YOU GOT ME A HORSE?!" _Beth yelled after opening the envelope I had put under the tree on top of a large box. Inside there was a picture of a gorgeous white horse that I fell in love with the instant I had seen the picture.

Quinn turned to me, a mug of hot chocolate gripped so tight that I thought she'd break it.

_"Santana, that's too much, she's five!" _

_"Quinn's absolutely right. That's not a very prudent gift, Santana." _Rachel chimed in.

_"I did not buy her a horse. My PARENTS bought her riding lessons and reserved a horse for her to use. I got her the box under the envelope."_

Quinn still looked unsure of how truthful I was being but I knew that would be resolved the moment she could sneak away to call my mother.

Beth handed Quinn the picture of the horse and set to work opening the box that I had wrapped.

_"COOL, a helmet!"_ I looked at Quinn and her resolve broke a bit.

_"I was going to get her riding boots but I didn't know her size." _I cut in.

_"The helmet is more than enough, I'll tell Puck to buy her the boots when he gets here." _

_"So then you're okay with this?"_ I asked and she nodded.

_"There's not much I can do at this point but since you are moving to Philly, I'll let YOU take her to the lessons. You know how I feel about horses."_ She just about whispered.

As a child she'd been thrown off of her pony and had sworn off horses ever since, I thought she'd gotten over that fear but apparently she hadn't.

_"Wow! How did I forget about that?" _

_"I'm not sure you did." _She said, rolling her eyes.

_"I did, honest." _

_"Prove it." _She murmured.

I went to lean over and quickly kissed her without thinking, when Beth shrieked.

_"I knew it! Told ya Rachel, Mama Q like, likes Santana!" _

_"Shit."_ Quinn mouthed.

_"I guess we've been found out."_ I said with a shrug.

_"Thanks for that."_ Quinn muttered.

_"Merry Christmas, Q...I didn't mean it."_

_"Yea, yea...sure you didn't."_

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

I was internally panicking about the kiss when I saw Rachel dig money out of her pocket and hand it to Beth. I heard a growl and realized that it had come from me.

Rachel knew better or at least I had hoped.

Santana's hand came down on my thigh, trying to distract me or hold me back but I felt incensed.

_"Easy there tiger, from the looks of it, Beth bet Rachel...not the other way around."_

_"Is that true, Rachel?"_

Rachel looked at Beth and then back at me and shrugged, probably because she didn't want to get Beth in trouble but Beth's look of guilt gave her away before Rachel could.

_"Beth, what did I tell you about gambling?" _Beth froze in place, money crumpled in her hand and shrugged her shoulders.

_"Um..."_ Beth began.

_"Q, it's Christmas, it's all in fun, don't embarrass her." _Santana whispered in my ear but I couldn't stop myself._  
_

_"What did we discuss?"_

_"I'm sorry...I know you said not to."_ Beth said before handing the money back to Rachel and quietly leaving the room with tears staining her cheeks.

_"Shit. Shit. Shit."_

* * *

_"This is all wrong. Dammit, Rachel!" _I snapped at her, standing and storming towards her and this time Santana didn't hold me back.

_"I'm so sorry! I didn't think it was a big deal."_ She said, throwing her hands out to stop my advance.

_"Have you met me? Of course MY CHILD gambling, especially with an ADULT is a big deal to me!"_

I was blowing up and Rachel was shrinking into herself. It seems that no matter how much I grow, the old Quinn never really leaves me.

_"Q, cool it. Beth can hear you yelling." _Santana said, from right behind me, she grabbed my wrist stopping my hand which was midway to Rachel's face. I didn't even know that I was doing it but thankfully Santana had been prepared. She didn't let go of me and stepped in my way._ "You need to take a breather, you are not Russell and that little girl is not you."_

_"But..."_

_"No. You remember how it felt to be embarrassed. You remember his temper...stop now before it goes too far."_

_"Shit." _

_"Go talk to Beth...help her get ready. The show is in two hours. Rachel is sorry, aren't you, Berry?" _

_"I am immensely sorry, Quinn."_

I looked at both of them and knew that my freak out was a little too brash.

_"I don't know what came over me." _I sighed, dropping my hand and stepping back from Santana and Rachel both. This was the first time that I had lost my cool with my daughter and of course I did it on Christmas morning.

She'd never forget this, I felt so ashamed.

* * *

I was having a panic attack, my hands were covering my face and I was finding it difficult to breathe. Cool hands touched my bare arms and some of the panic melted away.

_"I need to...talk to Beth."_ I stuttered out.

_"I think I need to talk to her first. I shouldn't have encouraged her behavior or reinforced it."_ Rachel began to say but I shook my head.

_"No. It needs to be me. Rachel I'm sorry I nearly slapped you. I lost my temper and that's unacceptable."_

_"Mama?"_ Beth's small voice came from just behind Rachel and I nearly lost it again but this time with tears, I felt like the ultimate failure and I didn't want her to see me like this.

Rachel went to the kitchen and Santana began to clean up the wrapping paper on the floor without saying another word.

* * *

_"Yes, baby girl?"_

_"I'm sorry." _She said, her eyes dry but her face red from crying._  
_

_"I'm sorry too." _I crouched down and opened my arms for her and she ran into them, wrapping her arms around my neck._ "I love you baby girl. I promise to never talk to you like that again, especially in front of other people. Okay?"_

She nodded and let out a breath.

_"Are we still going ice skating?"_ She mumbled. _"Am I punished?"_

I chuckled, thinking of how disappointed Santana and Rachel (the New Yorkers) would be if I canceled anything on that list, especially ice skating at Rockefeller Center.

_"No baby, you're not punished. You know better now and so do I. Let's call it even. Okay?"_

She nodded, swallowing and then attempting a smile.

_"Okay...no more gambling. I promise."_

_"Good. Why don't we go get ready, we have a list to complete!"_

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

_"So is it true? You and Quinn?" _Rachel asked as she followed me down to the dumpster. A huge grin on her face.

_"That's private, Berry and I'd rather you NOT have anything spread on the Lima Grapevine."_

_"Then it's true?" _She persisted.

I threw the trash bags onto the heap on the loading dock and turned on her so fast that she nearly peed herself. Her stupid grin though, was still there.

God, freaking her out still feels good.

_"When you had your pregnancy scare, I kept my mouth shut. Didn't I?" _

She got pale and nodded, that stupid grin finally falling from her face.

_"Yes, you were quite discreet."_

_"Then I've earned that from you, yes?"_

_"Discretion?"_

_"Yes." _I said, poking my finger into her shoulder. _"Discretion."_

_"You have. I will not say a word to anyone until you do."_

_"Good because that little girl has been through enough and I do not put it past my EX-mother in law to drag her through the mud along with Quinn and anyone else who is involved."_

Rachel swallowed hard and nodded.

_"You're correct. I will be discreet and respect your privacy."_

_"Good. All I will tell you is that what Quinn and I have is fragile and new. It doesn't even have a label but regardless of that fact, it IS something more than friendship."_

She smiled again, this time more genuinely.

_"Then let me be the first to congratulate you both. You deserve each other." _I could feel my eyebrows raise, not sure how she meant that and she immediately backpedaled._ "I meant that in the best sense. You two are good for each other. Always have been."_

_"Why, thanks Rachel. I think so too."_

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

Santana asked Beth to take a walk on the beach with her while me and Rachel got ready for the show...another list item and after our tense moment this morning, Beth seemed relieved to give the both of us some space.

And honestly, so was I.

Santana had stared me down before she left and gave me the shortest, most surprising lecture ever.

**_"It's Christmas, be nice to Rachel."_**

And so that's what I was doing. We were both dressed and Rachel, seemed endlessly quiet as we sat on the balcony off of Santana's bedroom, watching the ocean.

From where we were sitting, we could see Santana and Beth standing in the sand, staring off at the same ocean, having what looked like an intense conversation.

The polar opposite of the silence that was going on between me and Rachel.

Not that she hadn't tried to have small talk, I just hadn't responded.

I just didn't feel the need to say a word to her, if you have nothing nice to say...right?

* * *

Once Santana and Beth were back, both looking windswept and gorgeous, we were about ready to go when Rachel came out of the bathroom, back in her clothes from yesterday and her bag over her shoulder.

_"Berry, what are you doing?"_ Santana asked, her face twisted up into a scowl._  
_

_"Thank you for your hospitality, Santana. It was nice to wake up this morning among people that I love. That being said, I think I'll catch up with you all later at the rink."_

I suddenly felt bad for freezing her out but I wasn't about to get into it with her.

_"That sounds great." _I said.

Santana shot me a look and then sighed.

_"Rachel, you can come with us. The first show is Wicked. You love that show."_

_"It's perfectly fine, I've seen it a dozen times. You three go and enjoy it. I need to go make my holiday phone calls and get some laundry going while the rest of my building is preoccupied. So the rink at 7?" _

Santana looked at me and I nodded. She knew I wasn't going to fight for Rachel to come and so there was no reason to insist.

_"Yes, we will be there at seven. If you change your mind before the second show...come and join us."_

_"I don't think I will but thank you for the offer."_

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

_"What's gotten into you today, Q? First Beth and now Rachel."_

It was intermission and Beth was talking to another little girl excitedly about her favorite part about five feet away.

Quinn kept letting out little sighs throughout the whole show and I was feeling annoyed with her.

_"I'm fine." _She said, watching Beth with a hawk-eyed stare.

_"Oh now, I know you're not fine. What's up with you, Q?"_

_"Nothing."_

_"Is it me?"_

She finally turned and looked at me, her expression blank and a little colder than I had seen in a very long time.

_"Do you really think that I could become Russell?" _

_"I never really thought it was possible, Q. Our parents though, they are embedded in us. Look at Rachel, it's like Shelby raised her. The same with Beth and you. There are going to be times that Russell comes out of you."_

_"I feel like a terrible mother. I saw you down on the beach with her talking and then you came back and she looked insanely happy. It reminded me of those times when I would gravitate towards your mom picking her over mine. Is this karma because I liked Maribel better? And then...the idea that Beth could like you better than me..."_

_"Mama? Why are you crying?" _Beth suddenly popped up, her face full of concern as the lights flickered, signaling the end of intermission.

Quinn smiled at Beth and shook her head._ "I'm okay sweets, the play is just sad." _

Beth smiled and reached up for Quinn to pick her up.

It was the first time that I saw Quinn actually hold her and it was probably the most perfect sight.

Quinn took on this ethereal glow when she looked into Beth's face. They whispered to each other and I snapped a few quick pictures because she needed to see just how unlike Russell she actually is.

* * *

On the cab ride to the rink that night, Quinn's spirit seemed to lift a bit because from the moment Beth had seen her mother cry, she'd become extra clingy.

That kid is just the salt of the Earth.

I love her more than I realized was possible and I wanted so badly to be a permanent fixture in her life.

And I couldn't hold it in any longer.

_"Beth, can I tell you something."_

She looked over at me and nodded.

_"Okay."_

Quinn was looking at me too, her eyes questioning.

_"I love your mom and I was wondering if it would be okay with you if I started dating her?"_

Beth smiled and looked at Quinn who's eyes were large. I knew she would continue to drag her feet and this whole fiasco over money had just soured everything.

Who knew how much it could set us back?

_"Yes."_

_"You approve then?"_

_"Yes! When I go to Texas, Mama should stay with you." _

_"You know, kid...I was thinking the same thing. What do you say, Q, ditch Lima and stay in New York for the New Year."_

_"I have work this week all the way up to New Year's Eve, I told you that S...that's why I'm not going to Texas with Beth."_

_"Then I'll come to Philly after my shift Monday night."_

_"But..."_ She began but Beth was nodding in agreement.

_"Yes! You can go back to Chocolate Heaven for more bacon!"_ Beth added.

We both clasped our hands in front of our faces and pouted until Quinn crumbled.

_"Fine...just...stop with those faces!"_ She said, her serious face turning to a grin. It was the first real one we had seen all day and so it was no surprise when Beth threw herself against her mother in a hug.

What was a surprise is when I jumped in on it.

I knew right then, that I could love the two of them forever!

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

I have never seen Santana put her foot down like she did in that cab and my fears of Beth somehow not accepting us or being upset about it seemed to be unfounded.

I needed to relax.

Actually, what I needed was to have lots of sex and cuddles.

My sexual frustration, mixed with my fear of becoming my father, and Beth betting on us had culminated into me becoming insane today.

Thankfully the two of them pulled me out of it because I was starting to get on my own nerves.

* * *

I leaned against the wall, a hot chocolate in my hand as I watched Santana and Beth skate around the ice.

My back was bothering me and they had both agreed that I had been through enough today and let me sit it out.

Rachel had come late, baring her own hot chocolate, spewing another list of apologies but this time, I was more receptive.

_"You're off the hook, Rachel."_

She sighed and then handed me an envelope.

_"Good...Santana wanted me to give you that." _She rested against the wall next to me and watched the girls skate._  
_

I opened the envelope and there was a picture of me holding Beth earlier, the look on my face completely consumed in my little girl.

Without warning, I was crying yet again.

_"How did you get this?"_ I asked and she smiled.

_"She texted me and asked me to have it printed."_

I pulled Rachel into a hug and nearly sent us both flying on the ice but she held us steady...go figure.

_"Thank you for this. It's perfect."_

_"She told me your concerns and you have no need to worry, you're new to this mother thing but from what I can see, you're doing a great job. The way you look at her is in no way how your father looks at you...correct?"_ I nodded. _"You love Beth, you've lost her once, I know for a fact you won't do anything to lose her twice. I'm proud of you, Quinn."_

And even though Beth had proved it and Santana had said it, hearing it from Rachel...who in that moment looked more like Shelby than I had ever really noticed, reached me on a deeper level than ever.

I felt like my heart was growing three sizes in that moment and it felt ridiculously good.

* * *

**_A/N: Okay, I had to stop. This chapter was getting out of hand! Do you see how much I missed you? I was going to add more still but I just COULD NOT. Happy Holidays...Merry Everything! :) Let me know what you think! :)  
_**


	38. Chapter 38:Cheers To The Fall

_**A/N: A swift return to Quinn's POV for the foreseeable future. Writing Santana is my safe place and I need to step out of it but don't worry she's not going anywhere...for now.  
**_

* * *

**Cheers To The Fall (Andra Day)**

* * *

_"Hello?"_

_"Hi, Mom. Merry Christmas." _I whispered, as the cab took us back to Queens. Beth was asleep in Santana's lap and she was in the middle of texting back and forth with people.

_"I've called you several times today, Quinnie. Is this the first time you were able to call?"_

_"Yes. It's been a busy day, you know, Beth's first Christmas with me."_

_"How was it?"_

_"A little bumpy but for the most part, very good."_

_"What happened?"_

_"Nothing, it's over, I'd rather not rehash it."_

_"Why not? Do you know that due to your father's fall, I've been sitting in a nearly empty house all day. Alone."_

_"I'm sorry to hear that."_

_"Yea well, you should be. I thought you would at least invite me to spend this day with you and Beth."_

_"I'm sorry, Mom. I guess, you usually go to California and I know how much you enjoy being with Fran and the kids on Christmas...I didn't think-"_

_"Yea, it seems you've been doing a lot of that."_

_"A lot of what?"_

_"Not thinking. How could you stay with Santana for Thanksgiving AND Christmas? Do you know how that looks?"_

_"I'm not going to ruin the last few hours of Christmas arguing with you, Mother."_

_"So I guess that means that you don't care how it looks?"_ She was becoming belligerent which only meant one thing.

_"You've been drinking, haven't you? I thought...tell me that this hasn't been going on long." _

I could feel Santana looking at me but I chose to look out the window, this was not how things should be going.

Between her and Rachel with some help from Beth, they had rescued me from sinking into depression and with just one conversation, my mother was quickly returning me to the low that I was feeling only an hour ago.

* * *

She was sobbing now, lamenting about all the things that I was ungrateful for and I was just sitting there taking it.

_"Mama?"_ Beth's sleepy voice said as we came to a stop outside of Santana's apartment building.

_"Yes, Sweets?"_ I said, once we were on the curb and making our way to the building.

_"Is everything okay? Who's that?"_ She asked as she pointed to my phone.

_"Grandma Judy."_ I said to her and she smiled.

_"Can I talk to her?"_

Mother was still going, still crying and a bit unhinged, the idea of unleashing that part of her on Beth seemed unthinkable but Santana was holding her hand out for the phone too.

She was a safer bet.

_"Mother..."_ She kept on. _"Mom? Please...can I..."_ She was hiccuping now but was silent. _"Santana wanted to talk to you a second...okay?"_

_"Fine. Put her on. This conversation isn't over though, Lucille! Not by a long shot!"_

_"Gotcha. Hold on a sec."_

* * *

_Santana, how can I even be so blessed to have her in my life and in my corner. No wonder Brittany didn't want to let her go.  
_

_"Hi Judy, Merry Christmas!" _She said excitedly, her face got twisted up and she nodded in response to whatever my mother was saying before finally smiling. _"Right."_ She shot me a look and then smiled again._ "I definitely understand, my parents would never let it go. Yes I called them...uh...first thing this morning. Yes, I know. I let her sleep in, it's my fault really, I've kept these two ladies very busy today. Okay...okay...yeah...right but listen, that's understandable but right now what you are wasting is time to talk to your granddaughter who is chomping at the bit to talk to you...yes...I'm not kidding, I promise you. Well she was sleeping when Quinn first called but she's awake now and waiting anxiously."_

_"Is everything okay, Mama?" _Beth asked when Santana didn't hand her the phone right away.

_"Yes, Grandma Judy can just be very dramatic and Santana is trying to get her ready to talk to you."_

_"Oh...Mom was very dramatic too." _She said, a small smile crossing her face as she thought of Shelby.

_"That's where Rachel gets it from." _I added and she grinned.

_"Yasss!" _She said and I couldn't help but crack up.

* * *

Santana handed me my phone back while she opened the door for us.

_"She's going to call back to talk to Beth, she is going to jump in the shower."_

_"Your suggestion?"_ I asked and she nodded.

_"Go easy on her, Q. She misses you."_

Beth was captivated by our conversation and I didn't like it one bit.

_"Okay, Missy. Grandma Judy is going to call you back, so go get washed up and changed."_ Beth pouted and I raised an eyebrow, _"Unless you'd rather just go straight to bed?"_

_"I'll be back!"_ She squealed, running straight to the bathroom.

_"Good girl."_

* * *

_"So...it turns I have to work all next week, New Years is a big deal in the bar world but Carlo said if I come in and work tonight's close and tomorrow's inventory that I can have the week."  
_

She looked at me like she was ready for me to yell at her or make her feel guilty...remnants of Brittany, I'm sure.

_"That's fine. I need to confirm with Lydia about tomorrow's flight. She's supposed to get in really early and I want to make sure I'm there on time."_

_"Right. I forgot about that." _She looked like she was second guessing going to work now that her playmate was leaving her early in the morning.

_"So what time do you have to be at work?"_

She looked down at her watch, the one that I got her for Christmas and smiled...obviously thinking of me which was exactly what I wanted.

_"I need to be there in an hour, it takes ten minutes to get there...so I have a bit. Are you hungry?"_

_"A little."_

_"Pad Thai?"_ She asked, her bottom lip trapped by her teeth as she pulled her phone from her pocket.

_"Are they open? It's late."_

_"This is New York, everything is open."_

_"On Christmas?"_

She chuckled,_ "Especially on Christmas."_

* * *

With my mom on speaker and the three of us on the floor surrounding the food on the coffee table, we closed out our Christmas better than I could have imagined and my Mom had pulled herself together pretty quickly.

Especially after Santana had texted her mother to go over the my mother's house.

_"So, what's the plan for New Years?" Maribel asked and neither Santana or I had the chance to answer._

_"Santana is going to stay with Mama at our house!" _Beth shrieked before dropping her head and taking a huge bite of noodles. Her cheeks were red as she blushed.

_"Really? So does that mean..." _Mother began.

_"Are you together now?" _Maribel cut in.

_"Yea, are you?" _Beth asked and there was silence on the lines. I shot her a look because after today I was really second guessing being so open about some things with her. She was a kid and not everything was meant for her ears.

_"Oh look at that, I need to get to work. Ladies it's been a pleasure but Beth here needs to get to bed."_ Santana said, smirking at me and winking.

_"Yes she does...say goodnight, Sweets." _I said to her and she seemed to get the message.

_"Beth sweetie, do you know anything?" _Mom asked Beth who was shaking her head and shrugging.

_"Um...no."_ She let out a huge fake yawn._ "Oh, Mama is saying it's time for bed. Night, Grandma, night Mama Lopez."_

_"Oh no, seriously, come on you can't just leave us hanging!" _Maribel said with a chuckle. _"Doesn't look like we are getting anything out of them, Judy."  
_

_"I guess not. Goodnight sweeties!" _Mother said, her spirits seeming higher than they were earlier...even if we were being coy about our relationship._  
_

_"Goodnight Mom. I'll call you tomorrow when I drop Beth at the airport."_

* * *

I tucked Beth into bed, her eyes barely open as she yawned, this time for real. I brushed a hair from her face and kissed her forehead before pulling back and smiling at my most precious gift._  
_

_"So, did you have a good day?" _

_"The best, there was only one thing missing." _

_"Shelby?"_

_"Yes but she would have loved that we did all of her favorite things today."_

_"Well good. Do you think you'll want to do this next year?"_

_"Yes. Is that okay?"_

_"It is...now then, get some sleep because we have to get up super early." _

_"Okay, Mama."_

* * *

_"Is she sleeping?" _Santana asked, as she waited by the door with a small smile on her lips._  
_

_"Almost."_ I said, before leaning in and kissing her hard. My heart soared at the feel of her lips on mine. When we pulled away, she looked all dreamy eyed and then she scowled.

_"I wish I didn't have to go in." _She grumbled, the lines on her face, deeper._ "This isn't fair. I mean, it's not like he'll be my boss in another week anyway!"_

_"Yes, I know but he did you a big favor by getting his daughter to meet with you, so you'll go in and be nice to the man who helped you start living again."_

_"Shit, Q...all that?" _Her eyes were wide and I just nodded.

_"Yes. Now...go makes some great tips because I expect you to take me to a more grown up dinner once we get back to Philly."_

_"Was the chocolate covered bacon not enough?"_

_"Mmm...I'd like to cover you in chocolate."_ I joked and she practically melted right there, growling and pulling me closer, her lips attacking mine.

The kiss was fire and I couldn't get enough of it.

Her phone chimed and she pulled back groaning.

_"Damnit!"_

_"Your alarm?" _I asked and she nodded. Stealing another kiss before pulling away completely.

_"Fuck, man...you're make it so hard to leave. I'm distracted now!" _

_"You get me all next week...and tomorrow all day."_

Her face brightened up once she realized that after we dropped off Beth, we'd be all alone for hours.

_"Well I will see you in the morning then...what time do you have to be at the airport?"_

_"Five."_

_"I get off at four so, I'll just go with you ladies."_

_"Sounds like a plan."_

_"I love you, Q." _She said, kissing me once more before turning and yanking the door open..._"Sleep tight."_

_"I love you...be safe."_

_"Always."_

* * *

_**A/N: You bet your sweet asses I'm back. And you betcha that last Always was for my favorite "villian"...this was a warm-up...filler...still tell me what you thought about it. I need to get this story done and I'm committed to doing that before the first quarter of the year is out. Wish me luck! ;) Errors at some point...TTFN.**  
_


	39. Chapter 39:Midnight

_**A/N: Okay...one last Santana POV before I go all Quinn for a while...I'm addicted to her. Also...I had someone ask what her and Beth talked about on the beach...so here you go, Madz don't bitch anymore!**_

_**Many thanks to all of your love and dedication to this story...I've been writing it for a year! My God, how are you still around? Not that I'm complaining. **_

_**Enjoy! **_

* * *

**Midnight (Coldplay)**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

**_Christmas...late morning..._**

* * *

_"So, I saw your list and this was on it. I know most of the stuff was meant for you and Mama Q to do but I wanted this all to myself. Is that okay?"_

_I held tight to Beth's hand as we made our way down to the beach. It had been a crazy morning and I didn't want her first Christmas memory with Quinn to be tainted._

_"Yes."_

_"Good because I also wanted to talk to you about something important and you seem smart enough to handle what I'm going to say."_

_"I can handle anything."_

_"That's what I thought." _

_We walked down onto the sand, not venturing too much because even though the weather was almost summer like, the water was still cold. _

_"You like her, like her, right?" Beth asked as we stared out at the ocean._

_I nodded._

_"I do."_

_"Does she hang your moon?"_

_I nodded again._

_"She does. I didn't know that until this weekend though."_

_"But you know now?" She asked, I was starting to feel like this was an interrogation but I was absolutely prepared._

_"I do."_

_"You were married to Brittany?" _

_"I was, who told you?"_

_"Brittany."_

_Her birthday. It somehow hadn't dawned on me that the Ferris Wheel and Beth's birthday were the same day. _

_"We are better as friends."_

_"Good because cheating is bad." _

_"Yea it is."_

_"Be good to her, okay? I love her so much. I don't like her to be sad."_

_"I will. I promise. I don't like her to be sad either." _

_"Good."_

_She got quiet after that. I watched as she kicked at the sand at her feet. Seemingly waiting for me to finally say what I had wanted to say._

_"How much do you know about Mama Q, Beth?"_

_"I know her favorite color is green and that she can sing and dance. I know she is great and that I love her."_

_"Do you know anything about how she grew up?"_

_"In Lima?" She asked._

_"Yes."_

_"No. She doesn't talk about it." _

_"Well, what happened upstairs this morning...with her yelling and losing her temper, well that's something that has happened to her more than once. Her dad...your grandfather was not good to her."_

_"He wasn't?" She asked, looking at me in concentration._

_"He yelled a lot and when your Mama found out you were coming, he kicked her out of her home."_

_"Oh no!" She said, tears in her eyes. "That's bad!"_

_"I know. Your Mama Q though, she's the strongest person that I know."_

_"Me too." She squeaked as she stared at me, her eyes full of questions. "Did he hurt her?"_

_"Not that day but yes, all the time. He was very strict and had A LOT of rules. I think she is afraid to be that way with you."_

_"Mama Q is great. She has rules but they are good ones. Like eat my vegetables and do my homework before I play. She tells me why I need to listen."_

_"And she doesn't yell, right?" I asked. I knew that I was bordering a line but I needed to know so that I could help Quinn go in a different direction if necessary._

_"Never. Just today but she's sorry. I'm sorry."_

_"Good. She wouldn't hurt you, Beth even if she is afraid she will be like her dad to you. I know she won't. She loves you so much. Ever since she found out you were going to be born, she's loved you."_

_"Yea?"_

_"Yup and you know what, I've loved you too."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yes."_

_"She's not like her dad. She's a good Mama. I love her."_

_"Can you do me a favor, Beth?" I asked as I took her hand, not wanting to keep her outside for too long. I didn't trust Quinn to not tear Rachel to shreds before too long._

_"Okay."_

_"If you ever see her get sad, remind her that you love her. Parents sometimes need to hear that kind of thing. Can you promise me that?"_

_She nodded with a smile._

_"I promise."_

_"Good...now, enough of the serious talks. Let's go have some fun."_

_"Yay!" She bounced up and down as we made our way off the sand and into the sandals we had left on the pier._

_I knew that she was just a kid and I hoped I hadn't gone too far telling her about Russell but it was my hope that Beth understood Quinn a little more._

* * *

_**Christmas Night...working...working...blah...blah...blah**_

* * *

I rubbed a rag on the bar, the same spot over and over again just to have something to do.

The place was a ghost town and I was pissed about it.

Coming in had been a waste of time.

There hadn't been a customer in at least an hour...just me and an old Jewish man that normally lamented over Christian holidays taking over the country...today though he seemed to be in good spirits as he talks into his beer.

Me though, all I want is to be back in my apartment with my two favorite people, even if we were all sleeping.

Having them here with me has been a dream come true.

But the last hours of it is being spent doing absolutely nothing.

My phone rang incessantly and while it's policy not to answer personal phone calls while on the clock, I knew that I couldn't ignore Brittany another second...she'd called me at least a hundred times today and each time I'd sent her to my, now full, voicemail.

_"Britt?" _I said into the phone as I moved from around the bar and into the first booth by the door.

_"You answered." _She whispered, her voice light and airy.

And despite my burgeoning love for Quinn Fabray, that was burning just as bright as ever, I couldn't help but pause at the relief that came with Brittany's voice without Whitney in the background.

_"I answered."_

_"It's late."_

_"I'm at work."_

_"Merry Christmas...well...at least its still Christmas here for the next half hour."_

_"Right, an hour behind. Sometimes I forget." _

_"Ten years, Santana."_ She said, her voice still calm.

_"Ten years? What's that mean?" _

_"I haven't gone a Christmas without you in my life in some way in ten years. Even that Christmas I spent with Sam, you sent me a present and called me when I woke up..."_

_"Well..." _I was at a loss for words. _"I don't know what to say here, Britt."_

_"Just...did you miss me at least?"_

I stopped to think...I mean really think about the day and if I had at any point missed Brittany on what would have been our first married Christmas.

And I blanked.

_"Britt..." _I began but she just let out a deep exhale.

_"I guess...I deserved that. I did bad stuff. I've been cruel to people I was supposed to love. I get it."_

_"Do you, B? I mean, after the stroke, when you lost bits and pieces of your memory...are you saying that you remember what you did to Quinn?"_

She was quiet for a long time, so long that I watched my last remaining customer tip his hat to me and walk out the door before she said another word.

_"I remember most of it...I just don't know why I did it. I don't know how I could do that to her or anybody."_

_"Neither do I, B."_

_"I hate myself for what I did and so does God...that's why...that's why I lost everything...including you. Right?"_

* * *

She sounded sincere and I hoped to God that she was because beyond everything, I still love Brittany S. Pierce...she's been my best friend most of my life and not having her in it has been hard.

Even if I didn't give her any thought today.

Still though, the thought of being her friend and loving Quinn didn't seem like a possibility that supposed to exist.

_"You didn't lose me, Brittany."_ I finally said, assured that maybe just maybe with time, we could be at least acquaintances.

_"It's okay, Santana, I understand why. I told my mom to stop bothering you, I don't want you to give her money. I just want you to be happy, even if I'm not the reason."_

_"Do you really mean that?"_

_"I do."_

_"That's big of you, Britt, I don't think...if tables were turned...I'd be able to say the same."_

_"Does she make you happy?"_

_"Definitely."_

_"That's all that matters to me then." _She sucked in a sharp breath and then I heard shuffling and finally silence before she spoke again._ "We had a good thing going though...didn't we?"_ She chuckled, it sounded dry and full of hurt.

Just like the protector I always was when it came to Brittany, I wanted to wrap myself around her but that wasn't my job anymore.

_"We did, B."_

She was silent again and a breeze sweeping into the bar alerting me to a customer reminded me of just where I was.

* * *

I got up from the booth and made my way back around the bar, headed for the silhouette that was scrolling through their phone._  
_

_"What can I get you?" _I called out and then a set of penetrating eyes were looking into mine and I froze in place.

_"Uh...should I hang up?" _

_"No, B...just...let me call you right back." _

_"Okay. It's okay if you don't."_

_"No, I'm going to call you back. I promise." _

_"Okay. In case you don't though, I love you."_

_"I'll call you back."_

I put the phone face down on the lower bar and then rested my hands up on the top.

_"I had hoped to find you here."_ Rachel said, as she removed her gloves and placed them on the bar. _"Do you think that I could have something to drink...water maybe?" _

Rachel looked twitchy, like she was holding back from saying something. I pushed a large glass of water her way and then took a seat on the stool behind the bar, doing my best to pay attention to the nervous chick across from me.

_"What's wrong, Rachel? You were fine at the rink."_

_"When...I left you earlier today, I ran into an old friend...well frenemy and he took me to show."_

_"HE?"_ I asked, ribbing her with a big old smile_. "Why, Rachel, aren't you just being the town bike."_

She looked affronted and I smirked...leave it to Rachel Berry to knock me out of my ex-wife haze.

_"I'll have you know that I have only had relations with two men. Much less than you." _

_"Ouch."_ I said, throwing my hands up in surrender._ "Touche." _

_"I'm sorry that I had to take it there but my reputation is something I am still trying to repair," _She looked over her shoulder to see if the bar was empty before leaning in as if it wasn't._ "It hasn't been easy and I won't have you starting rumors."_

Normally I shut down Rachel's delusions of grandeur but I was in a good mood.

_"So why are you telling me this? Last I checked, you and I weren't on the best of terms but here lately, you're staying at my place and attaching yourself to my hip. What gives, Berry?"_

I decided to change the subject because as much as I was dreading a phone call back to Brittany, I actually found myself wanting to talk to her. It seemed like she was thinking clearer than she had been in a very long time and I wanted to capitalize on that while I still could.

_"You're the most honest person I know, aside from Mercedes, I can always depend on you to give it to me straight. If it weren't for you, I would have caught something from Brody by now."_

_"Eww. Gross." _I stuck a finger in my mouth and mimicked vomiting until she rolled her eyes_. "Okay, so who's the guy?"_

_"Jesse St. James."_

If I was drinking something, I would have spewed it out all over her but given that I didn't, I had to let my bulging eyes speak for me.

_"Is that right? Are you even interested in him? Wasn't it just a few months ago, you were digging Trouty?"_

_"That was just a tryst, Jesse though has always drifted in and out of my life. Second to Finn..."_ She gazed into her glass and the waterworks officially opened for business but I was used to people crying at my bar. I pulled out a box of tissues and put it next to her. She pulled one out and dabbed at the corners of her eyes before looking at me again.

_"Rachel, listen to me good...okay?"_ I said, covering her shaking hand with my own.

She squeezed my hand and nodded. Her lip trembling once again as new tears emerged.

_"Okay."_

_"Finn has been gone for over two years now and I know that you regret leaving things with him so open ended but you can't stop living your life. He wouldn't want that, so if Jesse is someone you can see in your corner in the daytime and holding you at night, I don't see why you shouldn't pursue it."_

_"Are you sure?" _

_"I'm not telling you to run to the courthouse."_ She got that determined look in her eye and I dropped her hand. _"Rachel, for the love of Barbra, DO NOT go to the courthouse. Try dating as an adult."_

_"Is that what you're doing? Are you telling me that you and Quinn aren't...you know..." _

_"Not that is any of your business but no. We haven't gone that far."_

_"Wow. Once the celibacy club president..." _She began but I held a hand out.

_"Actually...it was me that stopped her. Give me some credit."_

* * *

Rachel burrowed into a booth and with my permission made a call to Jesse for him to join her to which he gladly accepted.

Once she was settled, even though it was now midnight in Lima, I lived up to my promise.

_"You called back." _She said, whispering groggily.

_"I called back."_

_"Thank you."_

_"I told you I would."_

_"You also told me that you would always love me but before we hung up..." _She left her sentence open and I knew why.

_"My love for you is never ending, right now though, it's being redefined. It's going to take me some time to figure out how I feel about you."_

_"How long?" _She asked, because with her there has to be a deadline.

_"A year at least."_

_"Oh. That's a long time."_

_"I know but I need time to heal, even if you're sorry it doesn't mean that I'm over it and I know for a fact that SHE isn't over it. She might never be."_

_"I know. I just...why did I do that to her, Santana?" _

_"If you don't know, I don't think anyone else can clue you in."_

_"I um...I talked to your Abuela about it."_

_"YOU DID WHAT?!"_ I yelled, loud enough for Rachel's head to pop up from her intense conversation with Jesse.

_"She is one of the only adults that I trust. She's been praying with me and helping me through the divorce."_

_"Wow...there are no words, B...that was...how can I introduce Quinn to her now that she knows what you did?"_

_"Please don't be mad. I didn't do it to hurt you. I'm sorry...crap...I'm so stupid. Lord Tubbington warned me."_

_"There you go, hiding behind the cat again." _I said, my feelings of calm were gone, replaced with something much more nauseating.

_"I'm not!" _She said, no longer feeling like it was necessary to whisper, which meant it was only a matter of time before her mother came to figure out who she was talking to.

_"You know what, B that was stupid, make that two years."_

Rachel had scooted out of her booth and was coming over to me, her expression filled with concern.

_"But San-"_

_"Goodbye Brittany."_

* * *

I put on a brave face for Rachel until she hesitantly made her way back to Jesse. I didn't want her pity and I sure as hell didn't want her to tell Quinn about this before I could.

Why do I always leave my heart open for Brittany to come in and crush?

How can she maneuver under my skin so easily?

Obviously, it's me who is the stupid one, that's for certain.

Just before half past three, Jesse and Rachel left the bar hand in hand and I was left alone.

When I peaked outside, there wasn't a soul alive outside.

So I locked up and started cleaning up, not wanting to spend another hour in this place all alone with my thoughts. I've spent way too much time drinking away my sorrows and stuck in my head.

What twenty something wouldn't use the opportunity to get completely wasted in an empty bar for free...right? It would be easy enough but it wouldn't solve anything.

I've come to learn that the hard way. Right then, I wanted nothing more than to get in the first cab that I could find and go straight home.

And so, with one last look at the bar and what could be, I decided to cut my losses and do the mature thing.

I waved down one of the last cabs that seemed to have its light on and didn't look back.

* * *

_"You okay back there? If you throw up, I'm charging you double the rate!"_ The cabbie yelled at me.

_"Shut up and drive. I haven't had a drink all night."_

He was looking at me in the rearview for longer than necessary and I was itching to snap at him again but what good would that do, I was almost home already.

_"You from this area? You don't sound like it?"_

_"Is anyone really from this area?"_ I sounded back as we sped towards Far Rockaway...towards Quinn.

_"I am."_ He said, his turban seeming to stand out in the street light but hey, him being from New York with such a thick accent was no stranger than a Puerto Rican family in North West Ohio.

We pulled up to the curb outside my building and I handed him a fifty.

_"I don't have change for this much."_ He said, handing it back to me.

_"Keep it, Merry Christmas."_ I said before climbing out of the car.

_"You too!"_ He said before the squeal of his tires left me standing outside my building at nearly four in the morning.

* * *

When I got to the apartment, everything was still and dark with the exception of a flickering light coming from the living room.

I put my keys on the counter, shoved my hair behind my ears and prepared myself to tell Quinn what was weighing on me before it broke me down.

Only, it wasn't Quinn who was awake.

_"You're home!"_ Beth said, her smile brightening every dark part of me.

_"Where's your mom?"_ I asked when I noticed that she was dressed and her hair was done. She was practically a genius but I had seen her brush her own hair and there was no way she had done it on her own.

_"In the shower."_

_"Are you all set to go? Did you eat?"_

She shook her head.

_"Mama Q said we wouldn't have time, that I could eat at the airport."_

_"Psshh...there's always time for cereal, right?" _

She grinned and nodded.

I silently thanked every angel in heaven for this little girl and how she had the same uncanny knack as her mother for dragging me out of my own bullshit.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

When Rachel woke me up at 2 and told me that Santana was distraught after a talk with Brittany, I expected her to drink herself into oblivion or to go off on an insane rage.

What I did not expect was to come from the bedroom and see her and Beth laughing at the kitchen counter together.

I started to think that the call from Rachel was just a dream but when caught her eye and saw the sadness there, I knew that she was pressing pause on whatever it was that Brittany had said to her.

Right then, Beth came first and I think that I loved her even more for it.

Especially when she slid a plate over to me with toast and two strips of bacon.

_"I made you a to-go mug of coffee too, it's in the microwave."_

_"Thank you, Angelface!"_ I said, kissing her right on the lips.

I heard a giggle from across the table and playfully glared at my daughter who was making kissy faces at us.

_"Watch yourself missy!"_ I warned before sticking my tongue out at her.

_"Yeah, kiddo, wait until she has coffee first before you tease her."_ I caught the wink between them and couldn't help my eye roll.

Whatever, there was coffee and bacon, let them tease me!

* * *

I haven't seen Lydia in a really long time, I'm talking months and I was unsure of how I would feel when I saw her.

We'd had sex once...right before I moved out of my apartment and it was almost exactly like that time I slept with Santana except there was no history, no longing looks...just pure drunken, sloppy sex.

We hadn't spoken about it and from what I could tell, it wasn't just me who was avoiding the topic.

Her message was always clear though because twice now, Beth has flown to Texas and both times, Vincent was always the one who made the trip but she had made it very clear to me that this time around, it would her making the trip.

She gave me a line about wanting to meet Santana and make sure she was okay to be around Beth but I knew there was more to it.

I just hoped that she took me serious when I told her that I was going to start seeing Santana more exclusively when I talked to her after Thanksgiving.

Either way, there was nothing that she could do or say that could make me change my mind. Every moment that we've spent in New York with her has done nothing but prove to me that Santana and I are ready to take this thing to a whole different level.

Hopefully it was a level that involved lots and lots of sex because I'm starting to crave her more than I've ever craved another person in my life.

* * *

**_A/N: I took the dark, darkness out of this chapter Jojo...it was soooo dark but I changed my mind...you're right. I am still sick. Okay, Okay...I've dragged it on long enough...next chapter NEW YEARS and then a time jump! :)_**


	40. Chapter 40:Bang My Head

**_A/N: Okay, I lied about everything...the POV...the sequence of events...but I think you'll forgive me because this is three chapters in two days. There is darkness ahead and it isn't filler, it's important to the story. So please...don't kill me. :/_  
**

* * *

**Bang My head (David Guetta feat. Sia &amp; Fetty Wap)**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

Damage control, sweet Jesus, I needed to do some damage control because I should not have had to lie to her about only being able to get the limo for the morning.

But I needed to know exactly how far this business of my Abuela being aware of Brittany's misdeeds had gone and _that_ started with me being alone so that I could talk to my mother without Quinn knowing about it.

Secrets suck but right now, it's for her own good.

_"Well, look who it is, mi hija! What a surprise. To what do I owe the honor of a personal phone call at work the day after Christmas?"_

_"I don't know if you're just irritated because you're at work on a Saturday or because we didn't give you the details last night but either way, it's good to hear your voice."_

_"Is that right? By the way, Dios te bendiga."_ She said, her sarcasm not taking a break even when she's handing down blessings.

_"I was getting there...Bendicion, Mami."_

She huffed and started typing, even that seemed to be affected by her annoyance.

* * *

_"So your father told you that I'd be working this weekend while he sits at home on the couch and does nothing...did he?"_

_"Actually...no. I haven't talked to Papi today. I just know that you both tend to work the week after Christmas...I was just taking a stab in the dark that you'd be in today."_

_"Well here I am. Do you know that your father decided to change history and take a whole week off without telling me?! He knows that I would have ditched with him which must mean that he doesn't want me around or in his business."_

_"Is that such a bad thing, you are divorced."_

_"Well we've never acted like it! We still take vacations together, Santana."_

_"So he can't just do his own thing for once?"_

_"No...it's not that, it just that lately he's been so secretive which leads me to believe that he's seeing someone."_

Ahh...ding, ding, ding. She was jealous.

_"Celosa." _I muttered and tried to diguise it with a cough but she immediately grumbled.

_"I'm not jealous. He's just never been like this with me and I don't like it one bit."_

_"I can tell...maybe I should call you another time then. You don't sound like you are up for anything else on your plate today."_

She got quiet, typed a few more things and then with a frustrated huff, I heard her laptop close.

_"Okay, diga me. What's going on with you, mi'ja?"_

_"Have you talked to Abuela lately?"_ I asked, attempting to set the groundwork for the bomb I was about to drop but I should have been prepared for my mother _"the all knowing"_.

_"Ahh...so you talked to Brittany, I take it." S_he said bluntly and before I could respond she continued,_ "Look, that girl told your Abuela some really personal things, things that I know for a fact Quinn hasn't even shared with Judy. Of course she came running to me about it, concerned about you and I put a stop to her questions and made her swear not to gossip any further."_

_"And she did?"_

_"She promised me, swore on your Abuelo's grave that she wouldn't say a word about it."_

_"Are you sure about that, you know how Abuela is when she finds out juicy information?"_

_"She can be cruel, Santana but even my mother has her limits and rape in any shape or form is where she draws the line...thankfully."_

I let out a deep breath and then another before dropping back onto my bed, my body soaked through with exhaustion.

* * *

_"That's good to hear."_

_"Mmmhmm."_

_"What?"_

_"You talked to Brittany...just the two of you?"_

_"Uh, yea."_

_"Does Quinn know?"_

_"No."_

_"Was this the first time you got to talk to her alone since you asked for the divorce?"_

_"Yes."_

_"How was she? What emotions were going through you? Did you have any residual feelings towards her?"_

_"Mami...please don't use this as an opportunity to try and shrink my head. It's been stressful enough as it is."_

_"Fine. Don't tell me things...its not like I haven't always come through for you or anything."_

And here comes the guilt. I swear mother's carry the guilt card up their sleeve, ready at any moment to slam it on the table.

Bam...I wiped your ass...boom...I kissed your boo-boos.

* * *

_"Fine. She seemed, like her old self. I felt every emotion imaginable, including love but it wasn't the same love that made me propose to her, it was something foreign and new. I'm not sure how to describe it other than that she was in all ways...MY Brittany and it scared me how easily we fell back into talking."_

_"Why's that?"_

_"Because I love Quinn, Mami. I want to be with Quinn and Beth for the foreseeable future. When I'm with them the happiness that I feel is more real than I could have imagined it ever hoped for."_

_"Wow...that's intense, mi'ja. Have you told Quinn that much?"_

Now the conversation was getting uncomfortable but Mami would just throw out another guilt card and so I let her have this...because knowing me, I was going to clam up before long and it would take the jaws of life to pry me open again.

_"In not so many words. She knows how I feel about her and don't worry, I plan to tell her soon enough. This week will be a good opportunity to test the waters. I'd like us to figure out what our endgame is while Beth is away. I don't want to get in too deep and end up hurting the both of them."_

_"That's a mature assessment."_

_"Yea well, divorce before 30 will do that to you."_

_"Don't I know it. Your father and I were married at 18 and divorced within ten years...it can really wreck your outlook on love, that's why I'm glad that you are moving on." _

* * *

I woke up to the sound of typing, quickly realizing that I had fallen asleep on the phone. I rubbed at my eyes and then put the phone back to my ear, feeling a peace as I listened to my mother hum to herself._  
_

God, how I craved to be that much at peace.

_"Mami?" _I said groggily as I began to pull out an outfit for the day.

_"Oh you're awake!"_

_"How long was I out?"_

_"Two hours, give or take. I had a conference call with a client in Atlanta and just finished up lunch with your grimy looking father in which we had the pleasure of listening to you snore and sing in your sleep. And you'll be happy to know that I was right, he admitted to me that he's been seeing a woman from church."_

_"Papi goes to church?" _I asked, stunned that he even knew where it was.

_"Tell me about it! I'm surprised that our bickering didn't wake you. What time did you get off of work last night?"_

_"I got home at 4 this morning and then went to the airport to drop off Beth...I still hadn't slept when I called you."_

_"Well then, I'm surprised you lasted as long as you did. Where is Quinn by the way?" _

I checked my watch and groaned, I had missed most of her ride home and hadn't checked on her once.

_"She should be home in a little bit...I got her a town car for the ride."_

_"Well isn't that nice."_

_"I wish I could have taken her myself but I have to be at work in a little bit."_

_"You know Santana, you should really take us up on bringing your car to you. I know you said it's a waste of money when there is public transportation everywhere but there's nothing like being able to come and go as you please. Before you shoot it down, just think about it."_

I felt a headache coming on but I nodded along to my mother's mini lecture, not discounting her even a little bit.

Frankly, I didn't have the energy to.

* * *

_"You're actually right, Mami...In New York it's unnecessary but you know, I might actually appreciate having my car in Philly. How about the two of you bring it when I move into the dorms?"_

_"GREAT idea Tata! See, Mari, I knew if you asked her she'd agree." _Papi said, his voice coming out of nowhere.

_"Papi?"_

_"Oh, right, Santana your father has decided that he would like to spend the rest of his day lounging on the couch in my office. Say hello." _

_"Nice warning, Mami, what if we had been talking about something I didn't want him to hear?"_

_"Like your confusion over my church attendance?" _He said with a chuckle.

_"Or something personal."_

_"Ha! There is nothing personal when it comes to our little girl, Tata." _Papi interjected_. "Oh and Que Dios te bendiga." _

Mami chuckled and I grumbled.

_"You know, after all these years, you would think that the two of you would know me better. I was getting there! Bendicion, Papi."_

* * *

When I finally got to work the supply truck had already come and gone...which was just about the whole point of me not leaving with Quinn today.

To make matters more awkward, Carlo was waiting for me outside, smoking a cigarette and typing angrily on his phone._  
_

_"I'm sorry that I'm late...my parents would not get off the phone."_

He looked up at me, straight into my eyes and didn't say a word at first. If I didn't know any better he was about to tear me down but he just tipped his head towards the door.

_"Right...so let's have a chat Lopez."_

I followed Carlo into the bar and was surprised to see that it looked like it had been run through by at least one roaming drunk.

_"What happened in here?"_

He turned on me, his eyebrows raising and his arms crossing over his bulky chest.

_"I was going to ask you the same question, Santana."_

_"When I left, it was spotless."_

He gestured around the room, but what I noticed was the nearly empty bottom shelf behind the bar where some very expensive bottles had once stood. Carlo though was gesturing towards the various puddles on the floor...puddles that smelled like a mix between urine and bile.

* * *

_"When I got here a half hour ago, at the time that I asked you to be here, the door was unlocked and the lights were on...thankfully the cash register was at least locked up."_

_"But...I locked..." _And then I thought about it, about how distracted I was this morning and then the idea that I could have forgotten to lock up didn't seem so far fetched.

I pushed my hand through my hair and down over my face. What could I say? It wasn't like I could go back in time and fix this so I just stood there and waited for him to fire me.

But he just pointed towards a mop and bucket in the corner.

_"Clean the place up and just know that if you were anyone else, the cops would be involved but I care about you. I care what happens to you and I am grateful that you at least had the presence of mind to protect my money." _He glanced at the liquor shelves that were lacking in bottles..._"Well at least for the most part."_

_"I'll pay for what's missing, Carlo." _There I could at least offer that much._  
_

_"No. Save your money, just clean up and get out of here. Quinn's probably waiting."  
_

_"Carlo-" _I began to say but he just looked down at his phone and walked away.

_"I want it spotless, Lopez." _He called over his shoulder before slamming the door to his office.

This was not how I wanted to end things with one of my biggest New York supporters. This was yet another thing that Brittany's call had done to derail my peace.

Great.

* * *

It took me three hours to clean the entire bar because who ever had been in here had also decided to take a shit in one of the booths.

Lucky me.

By the time that I was done, I was sweaty, stinky and enraged with myself.

I knew that Quinn was definitely home by now and because I didn't want to piss off Carlo by being on my phone, I had still checked in on her, which had me feeling like the worst person in the world.

My phone had buzzed a few times in my pocket but I knew better than to even look at the thing.

Besides, with the way that I was feeling, with my luck, I'd end up being bitchy to Quinn.

That was the last thing I needed.

* * *

I had just tucked the mop away and was headed for the door when Carlo's hand came down on my shoulder.

_"You just going to leave without saying a word?"_ He said, before stepping in my path, blocking my way to the door. At least at that point the look on his face was more of a disappointed dad, instead of a pissed off superior, which served as a small note of comfort.

_"I didn't think that you'd want to talk to me."_

_"Well you thought wrong. While you cleaned I looked over the surveillance of your shift. Looks like it was old man Reyes that came in looking for some service at quarter to four but you had already left."_

I dropped my head in shame.

His hand cupped my chin and raised my face until we were eye to eye again.

_"I fucked up."_ I finally said after the staring had gone on way too long.

_"You did but what I also noticed on the tape was that you were fine up until that second phone call that you took. Maybe you get my no cell phone policy now. It's a distraction. But you did and it was Christmas. You felt obligated, maybe. I don't know but I'm willing to wager that it was Brittany or her mother calling. Am I right?"_

I shrugged and he dropped his hands to his sides, looking a bit frustrated.

_"That doesn't matter. I know that I'm a fuck up, okay. Just officially fire me so that I can be on my way already."_ I began to walk around him but he was once again holding onto my shoulder._  
_

_"No." _He dropped his hand when I glared at him but didn't move out of the way._  
_

Now I was pissed.

* * *

_"What do you mean NO...I'm leaving this place after the new year anyway, you might as well just cut your losses before I find some other way to disappoint you."_

_"Never. You're like one of my kids, Santana and just like them, I can see the part of you that you're always trying to hide and I know for a fact that this bar means just about as much to you as it does to me."_

_"So."_ I shrugged again, not wanting to look at him but not having the balls to look away.

_"So, I know that what happened was not something that you intended to do, lucky for us it was just a stray drunk and not something more serious. Right?"_

_"Right." _

_"Whatever she said to spook you, has you walking around worse than I've seen you in months. You didn't even look this upset when you were drinking and snorting that shit up your nose."_

I paled and took a stumbling step back as he read me like a book.

_"I-I don't know what...you're talking about."_ I stammered.

_"Don't play with me, Santana, I know what you were doing. I saw those idiots selling to you, thankfully you had enough respect to not do that shit in my bar but don't for once second think that I didn't know what kind of shit you were getting into."_

_"Carlo...I...things were..."  
_

He held up his palm and shook his head.

_"No, I can't take excuses from you kid. People do crazy things when their back is against the wall and they have lost all hope."_

_"I stopped."_

_"I hope for good."_

_"Yea." _I said back...not sure how to respond to that. This was a talk that I wasn't ready for but I knew that I wasn't hooked...not like I could have been. I was almost starting to forget how bad things were...almost able to pretend that it was all just a nightmare._  
_

_"That girl saved you. I hope you let her know that her coming here grabbed you from the darkness before you got too deep."_ He said and I just stood there, dumbfounded, nodding along to his words because how could I even attempt to lie at this point, he knew way more than I had ever realized. _"I'm proud of you for closing up and not staying here and getting drunk. I have to admit that when you didn't show, I was worried that you had gone off and overdosed somewhere, if you had shown up ten minutes later the cops would have been here."_

_"I didn't...I haven't. Not since..."_ I began to say, waiting for him to cut me off but he was listening. So I continued. _"Thanksgiving, I'd been...I did some things that I'm not proud of to get that stuff and I've been so afraid to go any further with her...she's...my moon, Carlo. I can't let her down."_

He opened his arms to me and I fell into them, my whole entire facade cracking at the feel of his arms around me.

It was the first time that I had been honest with anyone about just how dark things got after Brittany shot herself.

But now...I was feeling like I had the courage to do as I had told Mami, and use this week to really commit to a new life...to Quinn.

Because of Beth, this couldn't just be a one off thing. Because of Brittany, I couldn't just fuck Quinn with abandon.

I needed to get my priorities straight and rise above everything that was causing me to fall.

* * *

**_A/N: Okay...after this there will be some lightness...after this you have earned the next chapter. Give me a few days to make it perfect...until then...REVIEW. :)_ **


	41. Chapter 41:Act Normal

_**A/N: I jumped back and forth on posting THIS particular version of the chapter for two weeks now. I was going to go the fluffy, soft route because I wasn't feeling the trolls but a good friend reminded me that at the end of the day...this is MY story. I hope that you still stick around...that you finish out this journey with me. If you can't handle it anymore...I get it. **_

_**Time Jump after this...**_

* * *

**Don't Look Now. I'm being followed. Act Normal. (Hands Like Houses)**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV  
**

* * *

**Day 1-Sunday night**

By the time that I got home, I was completely wiped out and wanted nothing more than to cuddle with Santana but like most things in my life, I was forced to wait.

Thankfully, I had things to distract me.

With Santana surprising us a few nights ago, my place was not left in the condition that I would have liked and so I set to work, cleaning and sprucing up the place.

I was scheduled to work every day this week, including New Years' Eve, something I tried like hell to get out of but couldn't seem to avoid. Having Santana here though, will make the week without Beth seem much more bearable.

That...is a blessing in and of itself.

After a goodnight call with Beth, I settled into bed with my phone and a book, hoping that Santana would show up by morning.

I'd gone way too long without cuddling her.

* * *

**Day 2-Monday Morning**

My head was pounding as the squeal of my alarm woke me up on Monday morning. I looked down at my phone and saw a message from Santana from sometime around midnight.

_**Stuck here. C u tmrw.-S**_

I tried not to be disappointed about it. I tried, in fact, to just brush it off with the bright side...I had to be at work all day anyway, so even if she were here, I'd have to leave her anyway.

**_Just woke up, I'll be at the community center until around lunchtime and then I have that funeral tonight. What time do you think you'll get here?-Quinn_**

I stared down at the message for a long moment before hitting send, not expecting an immediate answer, knowing that if she worked all night she was probably dead to the world at least until my lunch break.

This was just a minor hiccup...there was nothing to be worried about yet.

* * *

**Day 3-Tuesday Morning**

Okay...now I'm a little concerned.

Monday came and went without another word from Santana. No message and no phone call in response to my question had me reverting to rage.

How could she not say anything?

And so, like the mother hen that I've always been, I was awake before my alarm calling her over and over again with no answer.

It was early and I was exhausted, especially after seeing my first patient...(well technically) laying in a casket because therapy did nothing for him.

The pain of depression had been too much for him and with that at the forefront of my mind, I went from anger to worry pretty quickly.

What if she wasn't responding because she couldn't?

Should I call her parents?

And if I do and she's fine, will it just create unnecessary drama when she's doing so well?

So I did the only thing that I could think of...I called Rachel.

* * *

_"Quinn! To what do I owe the pleasure?"_ She nearly screamed in the phone, sounding either guilty or startled.

_"It's barely six, how are you so awake?"_

_"I've always been an early riser. What's going on?"_ Her voice still sounded wound up and it was doing nothing to quell my anxiety.

_"Have you seen Santana?"_

There was a pause, some shuffling and the sound of a door closing all in the time between my question and her answer.

_"No."_

_"Are you sure that you haven't seen or heard from her?"_ I asked, absolutely certain that her short answer, something that, I was positive up until this point, she didn't know how to do.

_"Yes."_

_"Yes, meaning you've seen her or yes, meaning you're certain?"_ I asked, falling easily into my interrogation mode.

_"What's this about? Do you think something happened to her?"_ Rachel asked...more shuffling...the creak of a door opening...some mumbling and then the door shutting again.

I was positive that she was lying to me.

_"Rachel, she has never ignored my calls like this and I'm really starting to get worried. Do you think something happened? Should I call her parents?"_

I knew that I sounded panicked and I knew that Rachel would never let me just twist in the wind...at least she's never done it before.

_"I'll go check her apartment and stop by the bar. I'm sure that she's fine...just...don't call her parents, not yet."_ Rachel said, her voice going from flighty and distracted to very serious.

_"Fine."_ I snapped before taking a breath and releasing it as slowly as I could. Rachel was in New York and if she knew something, she wasn't telling so I needed to at least cooperate with her. For now. _"Call me as soon as you know something, it doesn't matter what time. Okay?"_

_"Okay. I will, try not to worry. Santana's tough. I'm sure she's going to be fine." _

_"Going to be?"_ I asked and she gasped...

_"I meant you know...if anything is wrong now that prevented her from getting to you in a timely fashion, I'm certain that she will overcome it. In the mean time, I'll be in touch. Have a good day, Quinn."_

I went to argue with her but the line cut out and I was left sitting there...twisting but I swallowed back my fears.

I swallowed back my panic and tried to trust that Rachel wouldn't screw with me like this.

But Brittany had taught me that even those closest to you can turn on you when you least expect it.

Rachel was not Brittany...I had to trust and believe that until she proved otherwise.

* * *

From the moment that I set foot on campus, I was pulled into three therapy sessions, one of which was my own.

Dr. Brynn, thankfully, didn't press me on too much. He chose to instead talk about suicide and how these things happen...how we can't hold ourselves accountable.

I didn't really agree but I've learned that it's best to just let people talk. This had been HIS patient...and in my eyes, HIS responsibility but I wasn't going to start a debate with him.

If I'm ever going to be a great therapist, the first thing that I have to master is listening.

And frankly, it was disconcerting enough to keep me from venturing into my own issues.

By the time that Dr. Brynn finished, it was just after noon and I was anxious to get to my cubicle and check my phone.

I thanked him for the session and he smiled gently at me, there something that resembled pity in his eyes. I think he might have been projecting his own sadness onto me because he told me to take the rest of the day off.

And because I had my own shit to deal with, I didn't protest like I normally would.

* * *

I grabbed my purse, turned off my computer and headed to the ladies' room because I couldn't wait another second.

Once I was tucked into a stall, I finally checked my phone and relief filled me immediately.

I had a voicemail from Rachel from two hours ago and a text message from Santana from only a few minutes ago.

**_"Quinn, its Rachel. She was home, there didn't seem to be anything going on. By the time you get this message she will probably already be with you. Try not to worry so much, it's bad for your health. Have a great time! Happy New Year."_**

She was lying. I'm still sure of that but knowing that Santana is okay erases how much Rachel's lie had bothered me. It was no longer important.

**_Hey, it's San. I'm getting off the train now. Can I meet you at work? Lunch?-UNKNOWN NUMBER  
_**

She was here? Already?

**_Meet me at home. Is this a new number?-Quinn_**

Her response, thankfully, was immediate.

**_Yes. Save it. I'll explain in the cab, I'm already outside your building.-UNKNOWN NUMBER_**

My heart was attempting to leap out of my chest cavity and into my throat but I had to calm down. I couldn't freak out on her, not the way that I wanted to.

**_Okay, I'll be down in a second.-Quinn_**

* * *

I rested my head on the cool tile of the stall wall and did my best to keep my breathing under control but I couldn't stop myself from wondering where the hell she's been for two and a half days.

My panic attacks these days were few and far between, therapy and a short stint on homeopathic anxiety medicine had really helped me curve my split second urge to slap someone.

Now though, with Beth so far away and my mind creating increasingly dark scenarios, the panic was just getting worse.

The door to the bathroom opened and the chatter of a group of women served to distract me from my mini breakdown. Once they were in stalls, I emerged, my face red and my hair sticking up on one side.

I looked nuts.

Afraid that she'd disappear, I rushed to splash water on my face and brush my fingers through my hair. I said a mini prayer, something along the lines of God, help me and then I swallowed back the panic and surged forward.

I am Quinn Fabray. I've have always been ENOUGH. Trust. Trust. Trust.

* * *

I'm not sure what I expected but that confident, easy smile of hers wasn't one of them.

_"Hey."_ I said as I made my way from the building to the curb.

She smiled and winked at me as she held the door to the cab open.

Once she shut the door, I watched her as she made her way around to the other side and I knew right away that she had no clue that I was watching because she hesitated, her lips moving as she talked to herself. It seems that I wasn't the only one that had to give herself a pep talk.

Had Beth being around really kept us in line so much?

Despite her pep talk, once she was in the car, by my side, she was her normal self.

_"Hey back."_ She said when she was settled next to me, her eyes were lined a little darker than usual and her lips were extra red as she smiled at me. This was not the face of someone who had been AWOL for a few days.

This was the face of someone who may have spent time in a spa...maybe that was what it was? I mean she had gone from being a single bartender to hosting me and my hyperactive kid for nearly a week.

Maybe she needed the break and she was ashamed to tell me.

Either way, I was so happy and distracted by her taking my hand into hers as the cab began to move.

How could I waste the alone time we had left together asking questions?

It's not like I could change anything...no...I was just going to enjoy this.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

**_Earlier that morning..._  
**

* * *

_"Okay, get up! I just had to lie for you and I DO NOT have any intention on doing it again."_

_I reached for the first thing I could grab and threw it in the general direction of her voice._

_She squealed and then the covers were ripped from my body, taking my warmth with them._

_Why, oh why God had I run into her last night?_

_"Go away!" I tried to yell but my throat was way too sore to do so. I buried my head into my pillow and was met with wetness instead of comfort. "The fuck?"_

_I opened my eyes and lifted my head, blood covered the pillowcase and from the feel of it my face._

_"See what I mean! You need to get your shit together and get on that train. You don't need to be in this city another minute." Rachel nagged as she dangled a wet washcloth in my face. "Here take this, you look horrendous."_

_I attempted to glare but I'm sure it had no affect being as I was covered in blood. _

* * *

_A shower and some painkillers later, I was in my kitchen gulping down coffee as Rachel continued to bitch and moan about Quinn calling her this morning.  
_

_"She knew I was lying to her, she had that husky, deep judging sound to her voice."_

_"I love that voice." I murmured in between gulps._

_"Well you're not acting like it, I'm still in disbelief that I found you on that street corner, I almost passed you by...I almost didn't see you."_

_"Yeah, yeah...just...drop it." _

_Her hand came down on the counter and her glare was somewhat potent. Quinn would have been proud._

_"No. Not until you tell me that you're finished with this spiral. Not until you get on that train with me and go to Philadelphia because we both know that being with Quinn right now is the best thing for you."_

_"I already said I'd go."_

_"You need to text her and tell her you're coming."_

_"I'll text her when I'm there but...I don't have a phone."_

_"What happened to it?"_

_I shrugged and put down my empty cup. "Doesn't matter." _

_"You were fine, when I saw you the other night, you were FINE, how did it come to this?"_

_She was shaking her head now, tears in her eyes as she finished packing my bag. _

_As much as she made me crazy, I was grateful for her pushing me to go to Philly. I was grateful for her grabbing me off of that corner before I lost everything. She'd been through enough, just like Quinn, and I couldn't hurt her anymore._

_I walked over to her, put my hand on her shoulder and waited for her to look at me before I said anything._

_Her big brown eyes looked so sad...almost as sad as the day she did that solo after Finn died and knowing that I was making her feel some of those same feelings again, actually made me feel SOMETHING for the first time in days._

_"Rach, I'm done fucking up. Between Brittany and her mother...my divorce being put on hold, and the prospect of somehow getting everything I could want...everything that I don't deserve...I panicked. I'm sorry you had to see me like this and like you did last night."_

_She swallowed hard and nodded, more tears leaving her eyes._

_"So you'll go to Philly?"_

_I nodded._

_"I will."_

_"And you'll tell her?" _

_I shrugged and her face dropped._

_"In my own time...just...let me be the one to do it...okay?" _

_"Okay..."_

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**_  
_

* * *

_"Your time couldn't have been more perfect, I'm finished with work for the day, so I can actually spend some time with you."_

Her smile was soft, as she stared at me...her eyes almost comically large as she seemed to be going over every feature of my face.

If I didn't know my face was so perfect, which I obviously am very confident about, I'd be self-conscious. Little Lucy would have cowered in a corner but Quinn...the boss bitch...Fabray just smiled wider.

Let her look.

Let her remember why it was a dumb idea to keep my twisting in the wind for two whole days.

_"I've missed you."_ She finally said, her eyes trailing down my face and then right towards my chest before flicking back up again. _"I'm going to enjoy every moment of this."_

She squeezed my hand tighter and then leaned forward, closing the gap between us and kissing my lips.

It was like she hadn't missed a step.

We hadn't missed a step.

Her kisses were at the top of the list of what I had missed.

* * *

I wasn't two steps in the door when my phone rang unexpectedly.

_"Where's your bathroom?"_ Santana asked once we were inside my apartment. I pointed towards my bedroom and then answered the phone.

It was Beth.

_"Hey little girl." _

_"Mama Q! Hi! Are you at lunch?"_ She said excitedly.

_"Actually, I just got home. What are you doing?"_

_"Titi and I just got our nails painted." _

_"Oh yeah? What color did you get?"_

_"Red." _

_"Oh wow...very grown up."_

_"I know! I'm a big girl."_

_"Oh okay, big girl, just don't grow up too fast. Okay?"_

_"I'll try not to."_ She teased. _"Where's Santana?"_

_"She's in the bathroom. Did you want to talk to her?"_

_"Yes, please!"_

I cut through my bedroom and knocked on the closed bathroom door. The water was running and I could hear Santana humming.

_"Be out in a minute."_ She sniffed and then the water went off. As soon as the door cracked open, I tried to hand her the phone but she didn't take it._ "Who is it?"_ She whispered.

_"It's Beth."_ Her face got pale as she looked at my hand hanging in mid air with the phone. She bit her lip and then shook her head. _"I uh...can I talk to her later?"_

_"She's been asking for you, don't disappoint her."_ I teased but she didn't find it funny. I could tell in the way that she brushed her fingers through her hair and then shook out her hands before finally taking the phone without saying a word to me.

_"Hey Beth!"_ She said excitedly, in no reflection of that little insane moment that she had just had.

More questions popped up in my mind but I just pushed them back.

A childhood spent hiding the darker things in my life and that of my family made pushing aside the growing list of questions, almost second nature.

I didn't like it but for now...I was choosing to live with it.

* * *

Thank the sweet Lord for Beth, I'm not sure what she said but her five minute conversation with Santana seemed to flip some sort of switch.

Suddenly, Santana was relaxed and normal. She handed the phone back to me and smirked.

_"She hung up, said she loves you." _

_"Oh. Well how nice of her. Excuse my eyes rolling backwards...it's involuntary."_

_"Yea, sure it is...Don't be jealous, Q...kids tend to like me better than their parents. At least she said she loved you." _

_"Yes, at least there's that. So, what do you want for lunch?"_

_"You."_ She licked her lips and I froze...now she was just laying it on thick.

Just go with it Quinn...Act Normal.

_"Ha, I'm not food. Maybe we can do that later. For now, how about some real sustenance?"_

This time, she rolled her eyes and then sat down on the edge of the bed and looked around the room. She bounced up and down on my mattress a little and then smirked at me.

_"You sure you wouldn't rather just be my own personal buffet?" _She held her hands out to me and against my better judgment, I walked closer to her, moving to stand between her legs as she ran her hands over my hips and looked up at me...excitement and lust in her eyes._ "You know you want it, Q...I left you hanging for days...let me make it up to you?"_

_"I don't know..." _I trailed off. Why I was fighting it, something my body was desperately craving was unknown to me but it didn't seem like she was taking no for an answer. She rested her forehead against my stomach and moved her hands from my hips to my ass.

_"Please? Can I have you?" _I heard her murmur, more to my crotch than to me.

My hands dangled at my sides as she held me so close that I was pretty sure she could smell the effect that she was having on me.

It's really no surprise that I caved.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

Distraction.

I'm not sure why I hesitated when she handed me the phone...actually, that's not true, I knew EXACTLY why I didn't want to talk to Beth in that moment but it's over.

Rachel told me that if I was going to get away with having fun before I sent Quinn's whole opinion of me crashing down, then I needed to act normal.

The only problem is that right now, with her right in front of me, I'm having a problem figuring out what my newest normal is.

But sex...that is something I can do deaf, dumb, and blind.

With my head rested against her, I can feel my nose beginning to bleed and I know that if she sees it...she'll be turned off.

So I can't let her.

Only, this is Quinn and she's just as assertive as I am...she's not Brittany and in this haze that I'm in today...I seemed to forget that.

She reached down and cupped my chin, pulling my head up so that I could look at her.

Our eyes met and then she's looking at my nose...at the same time I can feel the blood begin to drip. My heart began to race even more than it already was and she just smirked.

Because apparently a nosebleed when I'm trying to be sexy, is funny.

_"Shit."_

_"Well if that's not a sign that you need to eat something other than me, I don't know what is."_

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

The moment that I saw her face go pale as I lifted it, I knew that there was something terribly wrong that I was blatantly ignoring.

And to cement that fact her nose began to bleed.

Either she was suffering from some sort of spiral or she was dying right in front of me.

Neither thing sounded like something I was prepared to deal with but I couldn't ignore it.

So instead, in that moment, I made it my personal mission to get her to be honest with me or kill her while trying.

I made a joke to kill the tension and she seemed relieved as she pulled away and wiped her nose with her sleeve.

_"Attractive."_ I said, taking a step back to grab a tissue from the nightstand.

She stuck her tongue out and then snatched the tissue from my fingers.

_"Thanks."_ She mumbled into the tissue as she cleaned her face. _"I aim to please." _

_"Obviously."_

_"Okay, I feel gross. I'm going to clean myself up." _She stood from the bed and began to walk away from me but then turned...a tissue pressed to her nose...one that was quickly becoming red._ "Can we eat here?" _She asked, probably worried that this would happen out in the world.

_"Yea...I'll go make us something. Get cleaned up and then come keep me company. Alright?"_

She saluted me,_ "You got it captain." _She said with a chuckle before shutting herself back in the bathroom.

* * *

_"Please, God...don't let it be cancer or something." _I prayed, as I stood over the counter._ "I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle her being sick. I just...crap...Lord, please help us make the best of this week. I want her in my life so badly but if it's not time...please show me. Tell me..."  
_

_"Q?" _

_"Amen." _I whispered before turning around to look at her.

She came to stand next to me, her shoulder rubbing suggestively against mine as she smiled at me.

_"Were you talking to yourself?" _She asked, her smile getting impossibly brighter.

_"I was praying." _

She nodded, looking impressed and surprised.

_"I didn't know...I didn't think you still did that."_

I fingered the cross around my neck..._ "Once a church girl, always a church girl." _

_"You say that like it's a bad thing."_ She said just before dropping a kiss on my shoulder._ "I've always admired your faith, Q. You don't have to hide that from me. Ever."_

I looked at her, beyond the lipstick and make up, I could see what I had glazed over before...the vacancy in her eyes, the way her cheeks were starting to sink in again and how her collar bone was much more prominent. It'd been two days...how could she had gotten to this point in such a short time.

And now she's talking about being transparent with me and so I just decided to rip off the band aid.

_"Are you sick?" _

She pulled away and looked at me in shock, her mouth dropping open slightly before she shook her head.

_"No."_

_"What happened to your phone?" _I asked, not really ready to let this go.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a shining new phone.

One that looked like it was fresh out the box.

_"I...lost it. I haven't had time to pull all of my contacts from the cloud...I had to get your number from Rachel of all people." _

_"So that's why you were out of touch? Could you not find a phone in all of New York?" _

I turned my body towards her, pressing my hip against the counter, trying my best to be casual.

But she looked skittish...she was definitely not telling me something and it seemed she was only going to answer what I asked and not offer any new information.

_"Look..." _She dropped her eyes...they were looking everywhere on my face and neck...just not my eyes._ "I know that I left you hanging. It was a shitty thing to do and I'm sorry."_

_"Answer my question."_

_"Which one? You seem to fucking full of them at the moment."_ She snapped, throwing her hands up in the air before slapping a hand over her mouth. When she pulled it away, she was biting her lip_. "This is not how I wanted things to go. I fucked up...okay. I got a call from my lawyer and Whitney about the divorce at a really bad time."_

_"What happened with the divorce?"_

_"It's on hold...something about the alimony not being approved before I paid it and me being responsible for Britt's care...among other things. I was too ashamed to be around you so I just didn't show."_

_"So what changed? Is the divorce still on hold?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Then what is it?"_

_"Rachel...she...convinced me that hiding from you was the worst thing I could do."_

_"You needed Rachel to tell you that? Do you not know me enough? Have we not been friends for years?"_

_"We have." _

_"So why the fuck did you just leave me in the lurch, Santana? Then you show up here like EVERYTHING is fine?" _She looked like she was somewhere between tears and rage, maybe both but I couldn't bring myself to a point where I could be calm or rational. I was pissed off.

_"Should I just go?" _She asked...looking even more jumpy and skittish than before.

_"Maybe you should..."_ I began to say but she didn't give me a chance to finish before she picked up her bag from where she dropped it by the couch and stormed out of the apartment.

Because of course she did.

* * *

_"Hi Quinn. I trust that Santana made it there safely?"_ Rachel said when I called her a few minutes later.

_"Well she did but she just left." _

_"What do you mean she just left?"_ Rachel said, sounding really upset all of a sudden.

_"Well, we had words and she stormed out."_

_"Wow...that's not good. you need to get her back there."_

_"She's a tough girl, she'll be fine...I just wanted to know if she was being weird with you too."_

_"Weird?_" Her voice got high pitched and I once again was aware of how badly Rachel Berry lies. _"I don't know what you mean?"_

I pulled out a bottle of wine from the fridge and began to pour it generously into a glass because I don't care who, but one of them was going to tell me what the hell was going on.

_"Shady. Aloof. Skittish. Just like you're being right now. You two didn't sleep together did you?"_ I joked and she got quiet. _"Rachel?"_ I began to panic.

_"Well not in the biblical sense...not that lesbians are in the Bible...although Ruth and Naomi raised some questions...no, no. We did not have sex."_

_"Then what did happen because you sounded upset that she was gone and I need to know why, right now!" _

_"It's not my story to tell."_ She said, her voice getting all calm and serene.

_"I could slap you right now."_

_"I don't doubt it but I've interfered enough in your budding relationship and I need to keep my nose out of it."  
_

_"Fine. Do you have her new number?"_

_"I do."_

_"Can I have it?"_

_"Absolutely and Quinn...when you do get a hold of her...you need to meet her at her level. The Santana that would go back and forth with you is not the Santana that left New York this morning."_

_"What's that supposed to mean?"_

_"You'll see."_

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

My first instinct, find a way to get completely blitzed and forget this whole stupid idea of Rachel's to be open and transparent with Quinn.

But then...I couldn't bring myself to fuck it up.

I was so tired of being a fuck up.

So tired of what drugs were doing to my system.

My mind and my soul.

I should have just been honest but instead I was coy.

With Brittany that shit would have worked but this is Quinn.

Why do I have to keep reminding myself of that?

They were not one and the same.

* * *

I sat on her front steps and stared down at my phone screen...trying my best to distract myself with a game of Candy Crush...we both just needed to cool down.

My hands were shaking. I needed a fix...but I WOULD NOT give in.

How had I ended up like this?

A drop of blood fell on my screen and I groaned, fuck my weak sinuses. I pulled out a wad of tissues that I had stolen from her bathroom and plugged up my nose.

I went to wipe the screen just as a call was coming in...I didn't want to answer but I had to because another minute on this step meant me searching for the very thing that I was trying to get away from.

This wasn't who I wanted to be.

I just didn't want to disappoint her but in trying to avoid it...it was happening anyway.

So I might as well be an honest, flawless bitch and not a fucking pussy.

This was Quinn.

She of all people should understand.

* * *

**_A/N: I had to get here. The undercurrent has been there this whole time but I needed to just commit to it._**


	42. Chapter 42:Left Right Left

_**A/N: Your support is overwhelming. Thank you! :) Time Jumping this chapter...2 Hours, 2 Days..  
**_

* * *

**Left Right Left (Charlie Puth)**

* * *

**_2 Hours Later_  
**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

Instead of answering my call, she'd just come back inside, her eyes looking sadder than I had ever seen them.

I hated it.

This was supposed to be our time.

But whatever was going on with her was ruining it before it began.

_"Let's just have lunch. We don't have to talk about the heavy stuff. Just break bread with me, that's all I'm asking."_ I said as I stood halfway between the living room and the kitchen.

She looked down at her phone and then tossed it on the couch...nodding her head and then followed me into my kitchen.

I tried not to stare at her as she slid into Beth's usual seat at the table.

But NOT staring at her has become incredibly hard for me.

We were so close to something real...at least that's what I thought before I left New York but now...God only knows.

* * *

When I put her BLT in front of her, she looked at it for a long moment before looking up at me with wild eyes and a grin.

_"Really, Q? You had time to make bacon?"_ She asked, trying to be light and so I threw caution to the wind.

_"It's Turkey Bacon...try it. Beth is on this healthy food kick apparently, probably thanks to her uncle. She doesn't want any pork. I was almost tempted to disown her but this bacon is actually good."_

_"If you say so."_ She smirked before picking up the sandwich and taking the smallest bite that she could manage.

_"So...what do you think?"_ I asked as I watched her chew her invisible bite and then swallow.

She put the sandwich down and then put her hands down on the table.

_"Can I just be honest about something?"_ She said tipping her head a bit, her brow cinching up in concentration...I was terrified that the easy air we were going for was ruined but I swallowed down my panic.

_"Yes...of...course. Always."_

Her serious face remained as she let out a sigh.

_"It could use some cheese."_

* * *

Once I got her some cheese, because she was serious about my amazing sandwich needing that alteration, she ate with vigor...as if to prove her point.

This felt easy...like it should be and because I've learned my lesson, I was almost prepared for what came next.

She took the plates and insisted that I go finish the glass of wine that I had abandoned in the living room.

And so I did.

I attempted to watch something mindless on TV but I couldn't stop staring at the back of her head as she washed my dishes by hand instead of just shoving them in the dishwasher, like I would have done.

I sipped greedily at my wine and averted my eyes, the moment I heard the water turn off.

But she knew I'd been watching her...why wouldn't she.

_"So you're watching the Kardashians now? Since when? Isn't it crazy what Scott did to Kourtney?"_

I looked away from the screen and up at her as she entered the room.

_"Scott...Kourtney?"_ I asked, not sure who the hell they were.

She nodded.

_"I thought so. If you are going to use the television as a diversion...at least pick something that YOU would normally watch and not me." _

_"Duly noted."_

* * *

She dug into her pocket and then handed me a tiny plastic vial before sitting down across from me on my recliner. I closed my hand into a fist because I too was afraid to look into my hand as I watched her hunch forward and stare at my closed hand._  
_

_"That is the wall between us and...I need to knock it down right now before it's too late." _She said, her eyes still looking at my hand.

I finally relaxed my fingers and saw the remnants of white powder in the vial.

Was that what I thought...it couldn't be...could it?

_"Tell me you're joking with me."_ I chuckled dryly, not quite sure how to take this.

Our eyes finally met and I could see that hers were clear...meaning that she wasn't on it right now. At least not from what I could tell because fuck if I know what the symptoms are.

_"I'm not...that's why...earlier...with Beth." _

My heart plummeted. The phone call.

_"You'd just..." _I took the vial and hurled it straight at her. It was small and light but the impact of it against her shoulder seemed to be as hard as a brick because it looked like it caused her physical pain. Her face got pale and she dropped her head.

_"I'm sorry, Q...I feel terrible about it."_

_"No. Stop." _I said, feeling...rage...sadness but mainly, more than anything, disappointment in myself._ "I should have known better. At least now...we can...I can stop this before it gets serious." _

_"Yes, exactly, I want to stop this drug thing before I get addicted. Before it gets more serious."_ She rambled, looking hopeful but I just felt a sinking hole in my stomach.

_"No. Santana. I meant us." _I said, standing to my feet, needing to be bigger and stronger than her at that moment...which probably wasn't hard to do. I watched her eyes get glassy, tears were coming but she seemed to be holding them back as she stared at me. The vial had landed just in front of my feet and so I picked it up, holding it out to her._ "You shouldn't have brought this here. More over, you had the balls to do it in my bathroom. And then...then...Beth."_ My voice went from assertive to meek pretty quickly but I had to finish my statement_. "As your friend, I'm not giving up on you Santana but that's it. Right now...we can't be more than friends."_

She nodded finally and stood to her feet, moving to grab her bag...to leave, I guess but that's not how this was going to go.

_"I'll go." _She said, before leaning over to grab the bag but I put my hand on her shoulder, the same one the vial hit and stopped her.

_"No. You are going to stay here, just like we planned. That way I can help you through this...that way I won't go crazy wondering where you are. Stay."_

_"Q, you just said we were done, at least let me go lick my wounds." _She said, looking like tears were choking the life out of her.

_"And I'll give you your space...stay here. Please?"_ I begged and despite herself, she finally relented.

_"Okay." _

* * *

It should have been awkward but I worked like hell to keep it from becoming torture.

_"So, you're just going to send her back to school with a Christmas gift, after the fact?" _

_"Pretty much...what do you think of this scarf?_" I asked, modeling the nicest scarf that I could find.

_"Boring."_ She said, from behind a rack a few feet away. _"You know, if I was a teacher...one that had to deal with a bunch of brats all day, I'd want something more adult, like booze."_

I rolled my eyes and moved to a hat rack.

_"It's a Christian Academy...I will not give her teacher alcohol, Santana."_

She threw her hands up and huffed.

_"Then I'm all out of ideas."_

_"Come on...you've got to have something left in that brain of yours."_ I snickered mindlessly. I was met with silence and then my words replayed to me and I looked up to see her face down...her cheeks were flushed. _"Shit, San..."_

She looked up at me, her face in a mask of sweetness that I knew for a fact wasn't real. _"It's fine...I deserved it. I went on a drug binge...I lied to you. Shit...I sold my phone for coke...go ahead. Give me shit about that too."_

She was staring me down now and I just froze.

_"I didn't mean it like that."_ Great...that's all I could come up with?

_"Right. Look, just buy the old bat a gift card to an expensive restaurant that she wouldn't normally afford like the Chocolate place."_ She said, before pulling a few pairs of jeans from the rack and sauntering off to the fitting rooms.

_"See...that's what I meant."_ I grumbled...feeling a range of emotions...namely...annoyance.

But like I had suspected, she had a great idea.

Beth would totally love to give her teacher a gift to her favorite restaurant.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV  
**

* * *

I know that I'm being overly sensitive.

I know that I deserve every barb she tosses my way.

But what I don't need is her calling me out in public.

She has no idea what it takes to be honest about something so big.

Never in my life have I been so upfront with a person and when I finally am, this is the reception I get.

Why couldn't she just let me fucking leave? THAT would have been less painful than this.

I walked on eggshells for Brittany and then her mother, I DO NOT want to do it again...especially not with Quinn.

* * *

When I left the dressing room, I expected her to be lingering, ready to hurl some more painful words at me but the store was empty with the exception of the cashier.

Okay then.

I put the jeans on the counter and pulled out my wallet, trying to focus on this task and not Quinn's sudden disappearance.

Trying not to think about how leaving me alone was just as bad as hovering over me.

Then I opened my wallet to pull out my credit card and I saw a little plastic bag...a fresh one full of the best stuff I could buy.

My irritation vanished as I practically salivated over it.

_"Miss?"_ The cashier said, waving a hand in front of me. My eyes snapped up to him and how he was as irritated as I had been a few seconds ago.

_"Sorry."_ I said... _"How much?"_

_"106.95." _

_"For two pairs of jeans?"_ I said, looking down at the baggie again.

The cashier sighed.

_"Are you going to buy them or not?"_

_"Not. Thanks."_ I said, closing my wallet, too distracted to even remark on his attitude.

I left the jeans there and made my way to the exit.

Ready to erase the last few hours but then there she stood.

Just outside the door, her phone pressed to her ear as she smiled.

It must be Beth...

* * *

God, what the hell am I thinking...what was the point of being honest with her so that I could get myself together...only to crumble at the sight of it.

Maybe I wasn't as ahead of this thing as I had thought.

I stepped out of the store and she smiled brightly at me, that's when I knew, I had to stop for good.

_"Okay, sweets, I'll get it today. I love you!"_ She said all chipper like.

I liked seeing her like this.

Being a mom suited her more than I could have ever imagined.

Seeing Quinn care so genuinely about another person, time and time again, proved just how much of an actress the girl can be when necessary. It seemed that she was constantly pushing aside the bullshit in her life in order to be the person that everyone needed her to be.

Her mastery of compartmentalization would probably save my life if I knew how to divorce my feelings...like I divorced my wife.

But obviously...I'm not very good at that.

* * *

When we got back to the house, it was late and Quinn seemed stuck in her own thoughts.

No longer was she trying to pretend that our talk earlier didn't happen.

Instead it seemed that she was just trying to go about life normally...or as much as can be expected when that kind of bomb is dropped.

She was compartmentalizing like a motherfucker.

And after seeing her come out of the bathroom, fully showered and changed, her glasses perched on her nose and her hair in rollers.

Looking very much like Judy, I couldn't hold back anymore.

_"I've got more in my wallet. I forgot about it and I really don't want to be left here tomorrow with it. Can I...give it to you?"_ I asked from the end of her bed with my wallet in my hands.

She gave me one of those tight pitying smiles but when she stuck her hand out, it didn't seem like it was pity she was feeling.

_"Yes and you know what...as someone who has been right where you are. Feeling what you are feeling...I am so proud of you."_

* * *

**_2 Days Later_  
**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

_"I've been a wreck, how could you not tell me something this HUGE!"_ I snapped at Rachel as I sat outside my office, smoking...like I absolutely shouldn't have been.

_"What did you expect me to say to you? By the way, Quinn, one more person we love is on drugs?"_

_"YES! That is exactly what I would have expected from you! How am I supposed to deal with this?" _

_"...you know, Quinn, after your foray into pills, I would think that you, of all people, can understand what she is going through."_

_"I do, I just wasn't prepared for it. How is this where she and I are? You know, I survived a lot to be able to open my life to her and now this. It's just not fair."_

_"There is no way to prepare for this kind of thing. Trust me. Be grateful that you, at least, have the opportunity to help her get clean. It's not fair to me that you get that chance and I didn't. So you know what, buck up and be more like the person that helped YOU through this."_

_"Who, her mother? Why not just send her to Maribel. It would sure as hell help me and don't throw the Finn card. You two weren't even together when he died."_

_"Oh please! He was my endgame...we all know it. He and I were supposed to be doing this thing together. You don't think it was hard for ME to be the one to find her on that corner, looking like a junkie...two seconds from going into an alley with some guys that looked like they were going to..."_ She sucked in a breath and so did I.

It'd been too days and Santana was still holding back and I was doing NOTHING to encourage her to tell me what had happened in those two days or when this had even started.

_"Oh."_

Rachel groaned and then sucked in a breath.

_"I take it that you haven't even talked about anything. Typical!"_ She huffed.

_"What's that supposed to mean?"_

_"You're the one with the degree. You tell me." _

_"I don't think either of us knows how to broach the subject, Rachel."_

_"Well time is ticking away. Beth will be home on Sunday and it's already Thursday. It's New Years' Eve. Do you really want to go into 2016 with something like this between you?"_

_"No...not really."_

_"Then I suggest you get home and talk to her instead of me. Frankly, I've had enough of the two of you to last a lifetime. Hopefully in the New Year, our talks will be about something other than drugs and drama."_

_"Rachel...I don't want to end the year with you and I like this."_ I admitted as I put out my cigarette and looked out over Market Street.

_"We're fine. You needed this push and I needed to hear your voice because it reminds me of home...and of him. So thank you for that. Talk to her today, Quinn and if we don't speak again, happy New Year."_

* * *

I left work early, taking Rachel's advice to heart and went straight home.

So far by the time I get home, she's still in bed reading or on the phone but today, she's cleaning.

Her salsa music blaring and her hips shaking as she dances while she sweeps.

I dropped onto the recliner and just watched her, happy to see her being just Santana.

Not the zombie that's been trying to stay out of my way for two days.

Just Santana, in her element.

THIS version of her, is the one that I can see myself coming home to every day for the rest of my life.

Rachel was right...I couldn't close out the year with something so heavy lingering between us.

Even if it blew up in our faces and we stopped being friends for awhile...if that meant her getting her shit together before committing to me and Beth like I KNEW she wanted to, then so be it.

One of us needed to be the bigger person and it seemed that after her admission, the ball was firmly in my court.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

I knew she was there.

I ALWAYS know when she's near me, it's like I can feel it on a cellular level.

Just like I could tell that she was torn up about things more than she was letting on but hopefully I was turning the tides.

This morning, after she left, I called my mother and told her everything.

With her help, I called Papi and was honest with him too.

It was the hardest thing that I ever had to do next to coming out to them but I did it.

Not only did they continue to support me but they have insisted that I not go back to New York.

They are going to move me down here this weekend...Mami is convinced that Quinn will be okay with me staying a few days...but only if I stop pussyfooting around...her words.

Funny, I know.

I took a peak at Q and could see that she was deep in thought, probably thinking about sitting me down and hashing this out.

And I was game.

One Hundred Percent.

* * *

I finished up with the kitchen and then poured two very tall glasses of water because when you're talking about sobriety, you should ideally be sober, right?

By the time I was putting the glasses down, she was finally pretending like she wasn't staring, this time using her phone as a pretense and I was way too nervous to call her on it.

_"You're home early."_ I said, sliding her water in front of her.

She looked at me with a smile, her eyes trailing my sweaty yet still hot body because of course she was. I was in a sports bra and shorts...not much was left the imagination because I wasn't expecting her to show up before noon.

_"You're staring."_ I said.

_"I know. Do you feel objectified?"_

_"Maybe most girls don't like to feel objectified, the ugly ones obviously but honey...I'm not one of them." _

_"Hmm...I figured...so water?"_ She said...glaring at the glass that was still on the coffee table where I put it. She looked back down at her phone screen with a smirk before looking at me again. _"It's not even noon...we could have had coffee."_

_"True."_

_"You okay?" _

_"You should know that I told my parents everything."_

Her eyes got wide as she finally put her phone down next to the water and sat forward, completely attentive.

_"When?"_

_"Earlier this morning. I've been instructed to stay put until they personally move me out of my apartment and into my dorm...I know that the last thing that you want is for me to be a bad influence on Beth...I promise you that if you let me stay, I will be just as awesome as I always am. No drama."_

Without hesitation she nodded.

_"You can stay. I trust you."_ She said, taking a deep breath and then letting it out, her eyes bright as she stared through me. _"I know that you'd never hurt her...which is why...I have to ask..."_ She bit her lip and looked down at her hands before looking at me again. It was like the words were stuck in her throat.

_"I was clean the entire time you two were there. I was clean from the moment you stepped into the bar that day."_

She actually looked surprised and it stung but how could I blame her for assuming the worst?

* * *

_"If you were clean for almost a month...how did you end up like this in two days?"_

_"Brittany called and told me that she told my Abuela everything she did to you. I...uh...my mom says that she swears to never speak of it to a soul but that was the beginning of my spiral down...knowing that Brittany still held the reins in our relationship somehow."_

Quinn's jaw was stuck open...it was the only sign that she was upset because her eyes were closed as she tried to breathe. I sat there...waiting for some kind of response not sure what to do next when she abruptly stood to her feet and moved towards the kitchen.

I sat there, my back to the kitchen, staring down at nothingness until she returned a moment later, a glass of wine in her hand and a smirk on her face.

_"I'm sorry...I can't deal with this without a drink. I get the sober talking thing. It's admirable but my rape...it's not sober conversation. I hope you get that?"_ I nodded and then she continued._ "So because of ME you...you decided to get high again?"_ She asked...sipping her wine at 11 in the morning and then glaring at me.

_"Because of Brittany, I tried to shield you from this very thing."_

_"By sacrificing yourself?"_ She let out a harsh laugh. _"And people call ME a martyr. Go fucking figure."_

_"Q..."_

_"No. You're right, not telling me as soon as you found out...while Beth was still in New York would have not been good but you just about sent me away on Sunday...then shut ME out. You had me thinking that I did something wrong. That I fucked up or worse that you were dead!"_

More sips...and now, pacing.

_"I thought I was doing the right thing."_

_"Yea well...the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Isn't that what your dad is always saying?"_

_"It is."_

_"So, you sent me away and then what happened?"_ She stopped pacing but still hovered above me, her glass now empty as she looked at me, her old Cheer Captain mask firmly in place. This wasn't the Quinn that I needed in that moment but I had to just deal.

_"Mami assured me that I was overreacting. I got to work and turns out I left the bar unlocked...it was vandalized and I had to clean up shit and piss for three hours."_

_"So you missed your train."_

_"Yes."_

_"But you could have gotten another?"_

_"I took whatever cash I had and left it on the bar...the drunk stole a lot of booze. Carlo said I didn't have to pay for it but I felt obligated. Then Carlo told me that he knew about the drugs and that I should stop and be better. Told me that I should let you know that you saved my life."_

_"Did I?"_

_"Well yeah...I stopped doing drugs because of you."_ I said, with a shrug.

She put down her glass and then slumped into her chair again, some of her anger deflating.

_"But then you started right up again...get me there. How did you go from a heart to heart with Carlo to Rachel finding you on that corner about to gang raped?"_

Now I was the one wishing I had a drink but I sipped some water instead and tried like hell to swallow my sarcasm.

This wasn't the time for it.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

I'd rendered her speechless...

This was not the way to approach this but it seemed that it was the only way.

If she was going to stay here for a few extra days, then we needed to hash this shit out because I would NOT have her tainting my home or my daughter, not even by accident.

NOT even a little.

_"I went home and showered, cleaning shit and piss was not something I enjoyed obviously. After that, I started to pack and then I got a call from my lawyer...Brittany had called the court and claimed that her signature had been forged by Whitney and that if they processed the paperwork, she'd sue. So it's being investigated and I'm still married until it's all figured out."_

_"I see."_ My God why couldn't she just die when she pulled that trigger? _"Is it true, Did Whitney forge her signature?"_

_"Well I called her obviously and apparently she doesn't remember. I know...it's fucking convenient, right?" _I nodded in disbelief._ "So then I call my lawyer back and tell him what she said, he goes on to tell me about the alimony not being approved. That I could owe her way more. So...like any logical psycho, I decided, she can't have money that doesn't exist...so I emptied my account and bought coke, stashed some of it...so my parents are going to be insanely pissed when they pack my apartment."_

_"Yea well, better them then you."_

_"I know...I was being beyond insane. I wasn't thinking about you or Beth...and I am a shitty person. I know it. You kept calling me and I couldn't bear to tell you the truth so I cleared the phone and traded my brand new iPhone for more cocaine."_

_"And when Rachel found you on Monday night?"_

_"It was Tuesday morning...I'd run out of money and coke...what I brought here is from my stash at the apartment that I managed to bring with me when Rachel wasn't hovering over me."_

_"And you did it here, why?"_ I asked...feeling so overwhelmed but not willing to back down.

_"It was not even a half a line's worth...I dumped the rest when you knocked at the door...I was trying to get up the courage to be honest with you."_

_"And you thought getting high was the best way to do that? And then you talked to Beth like that?!"  
_

She shrugged and I nearly lost my mind.

_"That's not an answer!"_

I picked up the wine glass and threw it across the room, watching as it landed with a crash on the freshly swept kitchen floor.

She flinched and stood up, ready to stop me from whatever I was going to do next.

And not even I was sure what that was!

* * *

**_A/N: To be continued...review chicas! Errors later! _ **


	43. Chapter 43:Rise

**Rise (Selena Gomez)**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

_**2 VERY SILENT MINUTES LATER**_

* * *

I was immediately ashamed of my behavior.

Not only was I essentially throwing a giant tantrum but I was taking this moment of honesty and turning it into my own personal pity party.

We'd addressed the phone call between her and Beth twice now and I had told her that it was okay but obviously, that had been a lie.

She had made sure that I knew about it from the moment that she told me about the drugs. I had known that her being freshly high while talking to my little girl HAD happened and that she regretted it immensely but here I was acting like it was new information.

And yet, she was standing there, looking at me with shame and worry.

Like I was a ticking time bomb.

Plus...to make matters worse, I was full of nothing but regret, I threw one of my favorite wine goblets across two rooms, purposely aiming for the floor she had lovingly swept.

_"I just didn't know what to say, Q...I fucked up. I've told you that I would go if that's what you wanted...I've promised that if you allow me to stay here until school starts, I'd be on my best behavior. I don't know what else you need me to say...tell me what you want to hear and I'll make it true."_

_"I'm just pissed about this whole situation, Santana. We were almost out of the woods and now we're wasting so much valuable time on bullshit."_

_"Quinn...I'll go right now. I swear, I'll stay as far from her as possible. Just say the words and I'll take my bullshit somewhere else."_

A moment ago, I would have but now...after some self reflection in the wake of my freak out, I'm thinking slightly clearer.

_"No, no...Santana, no. Are you even listening to me?"_ I practically sobbed, I could feel the tears rising as I looked at her startled eyes.

Anger wasn't the answer, I knew it and so did she but she was willing to let me break down as much as I needed to but it was useless.

Freaking out wouldn't get me to where, despite myself, I still wanted to be...with HER.

* * *

She was on high alert as she moved around the coffee table towards me, instead of towards the kitchen like I thought she would. She kept moving until she was just in front of me, her arms wrapping around me swiftly.

My arms just hung there as she proceeded to rest her forehead against mine.

_"I'm so tired."_ She whispered to me, her eyes closed as she soaked the fact that I wasn't fighting off her touch. _"I panicked, Q...I just feel so unworthy of you."_

_"Me too."_

_"You do?"_

_"I do...you just let go of this GREAT love...one that you'd been torturing yourself over for years and for what...ME? A single mom, too chicken shit to go to med school, who obviously has serious anger issues?"_

_"Like I don't have rage?" _She chuckled and I smirked a bit...because this was Santana Lopez...rage was in her blood.

I closed my eyes and just rested against her...soaking in her comfort, accepting that she was right.

_"Sorry that I exploded like that. When it comes to Beth...I tend to stop being rational."_

_"I get it Q..."_

_"Do you?"_

_"Yes! I would be the same way. That's why I need to just ask you to please not take her away from me, Q. I want so much to be a part of both of your lives, however you'll allow me to be but what's more, I love her SO fucking much. I don't think I could bear to be away from her."_

I pulled my head back and looked at her, eyes looking vulnerable as tears slid across her cheeks.

_"Okay."_ I whispered back.

She looked surprised as she bit on her lip for a moment before finally swallowing back her tears and letting out a breath.

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yes but if you're going to be here with us and for us, you've GOT to stop this now. I don't know how you did it before but now you've got my help however you need it, just please don't let her down."_

_"I won't."_

_"And just so you know, she's in love with you just as much and I wouldn't be able to handle explaining to her why YOU died."_

_"Wow."_

She sucked in a breath, her face pale and her body shaking slightly against me. How long had she been shaking like this? How had I not noticed?

_"Are you feeling any symptoms of withdrawal yet?"_

_"Yea...I've been doing my best to keep you from it. But yes, after two day drug binge, I'm antsy...thus the dancing. I'm surprised I haven't snapped by now."_

_"No worries...it seems I took care of that for the both of us."_

* * *

_**2 HOURS LATER**_

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

We were both tired...both in need of a serious recharge and so we did the best thing we could think to do.

Nap.

For the last two days, Quinn has gone to bed early so she could get up for work and I have fallen asleep on the couch...way too sick to be far from the bathroom.

Tomorrow she doesn't work...

Tomorrow is the last day we have together before Beth gets home on Sunday...

So for the first time since I got here, I slept in a bed, with Quinn cuddled around me.

We left the glass on the kitchen floor...and just gave in to the need to just push pause on life.

And it was the best sleep that I've had since Thanksgiving.

* * *

I was awake first, partly because my stomach hasn't been able to keep food down or in...water has been the only thing that I have been able to handle.

She didn't know that and up until now, I'd been keeping that tidbit to myself.

So it's not surprise that I slipped out of the bed, as silently as I could and trapped myself in the bathroom while I dry heaved over the toilet and prayed to God that the sweating would stop soon.

I'd been so focused on breathing through the hot fire that was taking over my senses as something finally manifested from my stomach when a cool rag was placed on my neck.

_"How long has this been happening?"_ She said, her voice still filled with sleep.

_"Tuesday."_ I croaked before letting out a disgusting burp. I felt gross as I hunkered there and felt even worse.

_"How about a shower?"_ She chirped, not waiting for my response before moving around me and turning on the water.

God, I was so tired.

The burp is usually the signal that my stomach is done trying to to turn itself inside out and that I could relax

So I allowed myself to collapse on the floor...wedged between the tub and the toilet as I rested against the wall...so fucking tired.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

I tested the water and then stripped off my clothes...then I looked at her...seeing past the facade she lives with as blood dripped from her nose and her head hung down.

If I didn't know any better, I'd think she was dead but her shallow breaths were loud enough for me to know that she was still with me.

It was terrifying to see her this way...how had she had so much energy when I got home?

How was she able to fake wellness for two days?

_"S?"_ I called to her and she didn't lift her head...she just grunted. _"Come on...bath time."_ I said sweetly, sounding more like I was talking to Beth than Santana.

She didn't move...it was like after using all of her energy to be honest, she was finally allowing herself to breakdown.

This wasn't something she had meant for me to see, that was very apparent but I was glad that I did.

I grabbed her hands and pulled her to her feet, she rested against me, whimpering and I just allowed it as I stripped off her clothes.

_"Wanky."_ She muttered once our bare flesh was touching.

_"Seriously...even now?"_ I said, wrapping my arms around her and lifting her up enough to get her feet over the side of tub before putting her down again. She was way too light...more than normal and I did not like it one bit.

_"Did you just pick me up?"_ She said as her feet met the bottom of the tub. She looked at me in shock as her blood just sat on her face like it was nothing.

_"If I was unsure of my love for you before...I sure know that I must love you now."_ She smirked at me as I stepped in and straight under the water. She swayed a bit but watching me seemed to keep her attention.

_"I love you too pretty girl."_ She muttered with a smile.

_"Okay, Romeo...get under the water, I can't take you seriously with that blood on your face."_

She looked affronted but stepped under the water, eyes closed as the water washed away any trace of her nosebleed.

I watched as she twirled in the water as if she hadn't just been passed out on the floor a moment ago.

* * *

Who knew that showers were like Red Bull for her?

By the time that I turned the water off, she was smiling and looking just as normal as can be.

_"Thanks for that."_ She said moving forward until I was pressed against the warm wall. I brought my hands up to her face and stared into her eyes...so happy that she was okay now.

_"You feel any better?"_

_"Much."_ She said, before leaning in and kissing my lips. Her eyelashes brushed against my cheek as she kissed me hard...sucking my bottom lip between her teeth and nibbling.

I groaned and then brought a hand down around her waist, pulling her impossibly closer against me.

Her hands traveled to my chest, her fingers teasing my nipples until they ached with how hard they were.

This was happening...and my sweet Lord, I was ready for it.

Finally!

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

I couldn't stop myself and she didn't seem to mind.

My hands worked there way from her nipples to her thighs as I knelt in the tub...my mouth inches from the center of her.

My own personal buffet.

I looked up and her eyebrow was raised as she watched me. She lifted her leg and put it on the edge of the tub...opening herself up for me and I did not hesitate to dive in.

She groaned as I kissed her everywhere but where she wanted me.

Her fingers latched onto my hair and yanked until I looked up at her again.

She looked like she was near tears.

_"Please?" _

_"Okay...fine."_ I chuckled before surging forward and sucking her clit into my mouth so quickly that she yelped.

_"God!"_ She moaned and I took that as encouragement. _"Yes! Ungh...yesssss."_ She hissed.

Her fingers were massaging my head as she kept my face pressed against her as I sucked and twirled my tongue...enjoying the taste of her.

She kept chanting...kept calling out to God...or calling me God...I wasn't sure.

I was getting a high off her...more addictive than anything else and frankly, I was willing to trade this for coke...any day for eternity.

My body shook as I came, from her moans alone.

I wanted more from her...so I pushed three fingers into her and was rewarded immediately.

_"FUCK! YESSSS...MY GOD YESSSSS! FUCK! Harder, baby...harder."_ She demanded and so I pounded into her, continuing to lick her as another orgasm hit me.

It'd been way too long...this hadn't happened to me before. I rubbed my thighs together as I continued to bring her to a shouting orgasm.

My fingers still continued to pump as they were drenched as her body shook. I pulled my lips away and watched her lick her lips, her head thrown back in ecstasy.

_"More, baby?"_ I asked and she mouthed her answer over and over.

_"Yes...Yes...yes...yes."_

* * *

**_A/N: Yup...I stopped there. Errors later._ **


	44. Chapter 44:PILLOWTALK

_**A/N: Forgive me for the cliffhanger, maybe?**_

* * *

**PILLOWTALK (ZAYN)**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV  
**

* * *

My head was swimming as she rubbed at my back, she straddled my thighs, her naked heat dripping on my skin.

Her fingers were like magic as she worked muscles that I didn't even know were sore.

_"Are you this tense because of me?"_ She asked and I was almost afraid to answer but with her working out my kinks...there was no way that I could lie.

_"Not completely."_

_"Oh..."_

_"Not now especially."_

_"Right...So...was I better than Lydia?"_

_"Huh?"_ I murmured trying to comprehend beyond the fog in my brain.

_"The moment she shook my hand at the airport, I knew that she had fucked you..."_

_"Yea." _

_"Was she better than me?"_

_"I dunno...she...mmm...she didn't do that._" I groaned as she ground down on my legs and soaked my them even more.

_"What did she do?"_

_"Hard to explain...mmm...yes...right there."_ I hissed as her thumbs came to the base of my spine...a place that tingled when I was pressed against that shower wall.

She worked her fingers while grinding her hips against me, her breaths were heavy as she worked out years of tension that caused my back to spasm often.

_"Will you show me?"_ She asked as she slid off my back. She fell next to me and peppered my face with kisses. _"Please?"_

* * *

_"SHIT...OH GOD!" _She screamed as I pushed four fingers into her and pressed my thumb against that pucker...as I held onto her hair in my fist. I had her bent over the end of the bed so that I could see her face in the mirror that hung over my headboard.

Her cheeks were flushed and her mouth was hanging open, her eyes were squeezed closed as she enjoyed the way I was working her.

_"You're so wet...you like what I'm doing don't you, baby?" _

She nodded..._"Uh huh...yes...uh huh...fuck"_

I pulled her hair tighter and her eyes opened, she looked at me and smirked. I pounded harder and my thumb slipped right past that ring of muscles and her eyes rolled back as she gripped the sheets in her fists.

She bit down on her bottom lip...grunting as I kept pounding, kept slipping deeper.

Fucking her felt so right...so good...I could do it forever.

My knuckle grazed a certain spot and she began panting, pushing back against me as she spread her legs.

She was close and so was I.

I hit that spot over and over again, she was beyond words, muttering incoherently as she hit her climax. I let her hair go and she collapsed against the bed, her body quaking as I pulled my hand from her.

She went to move but I laid flat on her back and used my soaked hand to rub her clit. My head was next to hers as I listened to her scream into the mattress as she came over and over again.

It was paradise.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

Who the fuck knew that she had it in her to fuck me so hard?

My God.

I just about passed out after countless orgasms, my body exhausted and thoroughly satisfied.

She left the bed and I crawled up to the pillows and just laid there, not able to move another muscle as my pussy trembled, trying to clench itself around her now absent fingers.

And the whole ass thing...was new...unexpected and way more pleasurable than I could have imagined.

My body tensed as a cool breeze hit it.

_"You okay, Princess?"_ She murmured as she climbed into the bed. _"I turned on the fan, it was insanely hot in here."_

_"I bet."_ I chuckled, clenching my ass when her warm palm came down on it.

She gripped my flesh and I let out another moan and wiggled my ass for her until she smacked it playfully with a chuckle.

_"That was okay then?"_ She sounded nervous, so I actually opened my eyes to take her in.

She was resting on her elbow, hovering over me with a nervous look on her face.

_"MMMMhhmmm...Amazing."_ I couldn't stop smiling at her and then she lifted her hand and dropped it with a loud smack on my ass before squeezing it again._ "Fuck."_

_"Good to know. Still tired?"_

Her eyebrow was raised and I shuddered at the ravenous look in her eyes.

_"Mmmhmm." _I groaned and she nodded as she looked down at my body like it was a steak.

_"I want to taste you...turn over, princess." _

_"Can't...move."_ I murmured, the pillow obscuring my words.

_"No?"_ She asked, her fingers walked over my ass and down between my legs and like the greedy person I am, I opened my legs to give her more access.

She pinched my clit and I nearly jumped a foot off the bed.

_"Fuck you, Fabray."_ I whispered as I rolled onto my back.

_"Planning on that too." _

_"I bet you are."_

* * *

I cupped the back of her head as she drowned in the river that I felt running between my thighs.

She groaned as she pushed her tongue inside of me and I scratched at her skull.

I felt her fingers pressing at my ass as she sucked my clit into her mouth and I began shouting...hoping to God that the cops didn't show up.

_"DON'T STOP...FUCK...FUCK...FUCK...MORE...MORE!"_

She pressed another finger back there and I was pushing myself against her, the pain combining with the pleasure in a way that was totally new to me.

Totally perfect!

MY GOD.

Before long, her mouth was replaced by her other hand pushing into me. I was biting into a pillow, to muffle my screams, as she used her hips to get her fingers deeper inside of me.

_"Such a princess. My fucking princess."_ She whispered as she hit that spot that made the world go fuzzy.

My body practically levitated off the bed as I came, over and over again.

After the last orgasm, I could feel the liquid squirt from me just before I fell back against the bed, having thrown the pillow somewhere across the room.

Her hands were gone but I could still feel them as I came once more...whimpering as she left me there, in a puddle of my own wetness.

Fuck.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

I don't know what came over me but I couldn't seem to stop myself as I came back from the bathroom and promptly climbed on top of her...placing my wetness hanging over her mouth as I gripped the headboard.

Her shaky hands slid over my thighs and pulled me flush against her, sucking and nibbling on me without pause.

I rubbed the top of her head as I pushed down against her, more and more.

Already on the verge of an orgasm, it didn't take long as I looked at my reflection in the mirror, turned on by my own reflection and the way her hand moved vigorously between her own thighs.

I watched her hand move between her legs in a blur as she continued to suck me hard and lick me as fast as her fingers were moving.

She humped her hand so hard, it had me feeling jealous...I lifted myself and she tried like hell to pull me back down but I wasn't the one who was weak from countless orgasms.

I turned myself until I was hovering over her wetness...this was a position I had only read about but I was beginning to see it's merit the moment she was sucking on me again.

_"OH GOD!"_ She shouted as I flicked her swollen, overworked nub with my tongue.

I pressed down against her mouth, hoping she'd get the message.

Because she shouldn't even have time to shout.

* * *

Fireworks and air horns went off as we both collapsed onto the bed, spent.

_"Happy New Year."_ I whispered to her once I was curled against her at the top of the bed.

She leaned over and kissed my lips hard, her hand in my hair. The kiss got deeper, our tongues and teeth battling for dominance.

Her body grinded against mine but when I touched her she pulled back and shook her head.

_"No more...God Q, what are you a robot?"_ She said, her eyes wide and shocked.

_"Repressed church girl syndrome?"_ I said, as the blush heated up my cheeks.

_"My God, it has to be. Never...I've never had it like that." _

_"Good."_ I kissed her lips again, this time harder.

I felt reckless and wild, like I had finally found what I had been looking for all of these years.

And I never wanted it to end.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

The sun peaked through the windows as I watched the angel next to me sleeping.

I could wake up next to her forever.

Her phone had chimed a hundred times but she hadn't moved a muscle, I knew that it was probably Beth calling and I couldn't let her miss that.

So I kissed her face and she grunted at me before turning her face the opposite way.

I leaned over her, my chest pressing against her back as I ran my finger up and down her naked side.

_"If you get up now...I'll take you to get Chocolate Bacon."_

Her head lifted up, nearly knocking me off of her. She turned her head to look at me, bleary eyed while she licked her lips.

_"Bacon?"_

_"Answer your phone...it's time to return to the real world."_

_"Nooooo."_ She whimpered as she pulled me against her and buried her face in my hair. _"No want to."_ She whined.

_"I know, Q...but we have to eat." _

She slid her hand down my stomach and I pushed it away, knowing that I was WAY TOO sore for that right now.

_"Real food and I have to talk to the parents and you need to be one...so...come on. Lets do those things and then we will come back here and I will fuck you back to sleep. How's that sound?"_

_"Like a plan."_ She mumbled, her face looking angry and adorable.

_"Fuck, I love you."_ I said kissing her face and laughing.

_"Love you too, Princess."_ She kissed my lips and then rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling, glaring at it with murder in her eyes.

_"Chocolate bacon."_ I said to her and she finally sat up.

_"I'm up, I'm up!" _

_"I thought so."_

* * *

_**A/N: Umm...errors later?**  
_


	45. Chapter 45:Gimme All Your Love

**Gimme All Your Love (Alabama Shakes)**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

Last night, for just a little while, I had shut my brain off and instead allowed my heart to take over. It was a risky move, opening myself up like that and stepping up in such a huge way.

Santana has been an out lesbian for three years but her experience goes beyond that...she's been with more than just one woman...she's experienced life and sex from more than one person...it was intimidating for her to just let me lead her.

But she did, seamlessly...

And it was freeing to know that every move I made was loved and cherished by her.

With all that being said, sitting here across from her in the broad daylight, with the lines of exhaustion written on her face...not just from our love fest last night but from the drug usage over the last few months...coupled with her pending divorce...I'm faced with reality.

This isn't going to be easy.

Being with her is going to test every bit of patience and trust that I possess.

It's wholly terrifying.

* * *

_"Do you love me, Q?"_ She asks after sipping at her mug of hot chocolate. Nervousness is written in the lines on her face and the worrying of her bottom lip shows me just how much she needs reassurance.

_"I do."_ I said...hopefully not missing a beat.

_"No matter what?"_ She asked, the inflection of her voice going from concern to questioning...it set me on edge because, amazing sex or not, she still had a bit of a drug problem and I had an impressionable daughter to raise.

_"I want to."_ I said honestly, the hurt never registered on her face but her eyes told me differently. She looked away from me and out onto the street, she blinked rapidly.

I reached my hand across the table and touched her hand, she flinched and then looked at me with a small smile.

_"What will it take?"_ She asked, pulling her hands back and placing them under the table onto her lap. She was trying to distance herself, separate her heart from the feelings that were plaguing her.

That was the last thing that I wanted.

_"Honesty, sobriety, and both of us actively keeping our walls down."_

She nodded and then drank more of her hot chocolate, satisfied that I included myself in this.

That's how it should be...my guards are just as strong as hers...if not more so.

I wanted to say more but then the food came and she wouldn't even look at me as she ate.

There was no light banter, just her creased brow and a look of determination in her eyes.

But that could mean anything when it comes to her...

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

I hate feeling like I have to compromise who I am to fit into whatever blonde box I've fallen for.

But she's not Brittany...she's not asking for anything extreme.

She's simply telling me what I need to do to be a part of her family, her life.

And was it really much at all?

I mean, how honest has she been with me?

The whole Lydia thing for instance...but I'd be a fool to think she'd wait for me while I went back and forth with Brittany.

Surface level, I'm happy that she got some ass but deeper, underneath all my foolish pride...I'm jealous.

I'm NO Lydia. She's older...more experienced and is stable.

Stability is something I do not have...not by long shot.

But if she was going to BE with Lydia...she would be by now.

Instead, she was here with me.

* * *

Quinn seems worried now that maybe her terms are too much for me but I wish she would just know that it's not the terms that have given me pause, because for her and Beth, I'd move the heavens and Earth if I could.

Frankly, I don't know what my fucking problem is.

_"Do you love me?"_ She asked after I had just about avoided saying a word to her all through breakfast.

I swallowed the last of my waffle and gave her my best smile.

_"I love you, Q. Always." _

_"And last night..." _She looked around, to see if anyone was prying, what a prude._ "Was okay?"_

_"It was great, the best I ever had."_

She sat back and looked at me, her eyes comically large as she let my words soak in.

_"The best?"_ She said, a dry chuckle coming out as she twirled her straw wrapper between her fingers.

I nodded, kind of in awe of it myself.

_"Yes."_

I didn't want to give her the sordid details of how Brittany went from being a bottom to a top in our relationship pretty quickly or how Dani bowed to my every whim.

I'd had it both ways really but rarely have I come so much or so hard.

Those are the things I'm trying not to say or think because comparison isn't healthy.

But last night...my God, she was amazing.

* * *

I held tight to her hand as we walked in a park near her house.

She was in good spirits after I had essentially given her the biggest compliment a pro can give to a novice.

_"I can still feel you."_ I whispered in her ear and she stopped short.

When she looked at me, lust was in her eyes and her tongue was sweeping over her lips.

_"Are you fucking with me?"_

_"No...not even a little..."_

_"I was right, you are a pillow princess."_ She snickered and I rolled my eyes.

_"Is that what that princess shit was about? And here I thought you were being sweet." _

_"Of course..."_ She said, stepping in front of me and leaning forward until our noses touched and I could see the greenish yellow starbursts in her eyes. She was endlessly beautiful. How is that even fair? _"Anything for you, Princess...don't worry...I won't tell anyone. Your rep is safe with me."_

I pulled back and glared at her but she just smirked even bigger.

_"Whatever Q...I was being nice last night, letting you take me down like that but best believe I putz it down in the sheets."_

She kissed my lips...once, twice...threefourfive times and then pulled away, her smirk gone as she attempted to look serious...even if her eyes were still smiling.

_"I know, S. I remember just how good you are...but last night...it felt like you gave me a part of yourself..."_

_"Yeah, my ass! That was uncharted territory."_ I scoffed and she winked at me.

_"Wanky."_ She said to me and I had to rest my head on her shoulder as I broke into a fit of giggles.

It was easy...just us two in the park on a mild New Years' Day without a care in the world...if only for a moment.

* * *

_**A/N: Something quick this morning...review and I just might give you a longer one a little later today. ;) JoJo...1 of 2. ** _


	46. Chapter 46:Hands To Myself

**Hands To Myself (Selena Gomez)**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV  
**

* * *

The moment we stepped into the apartment, she pushed the door closed and then pushed her body against mine.

She was smiling...I was smiling...it was the kind of vibe that we needed.

_"We should really talk through things."_ I said...trying my best to be the adult in this situation.

She hummed in agreement but that was while she kissed my jawline and then my neck. Her fingers were dancing over my sides as she sought out the bottom of my dress.

I rested my hands on her shoulders and threw my head back against the door.

_"Do you want me to stop?"_ She asked as her nails scratched up my bare thighs, she stopped her kissing and looked up at me...waiting for me to answer and I was about to but then her hands rubbed at my hips. And I let out a groan and she snickered._ "Just say the word and I'll stop, baby."_

_"We..." _I began to say but then she was lowering herself until she was kneeling at my feet, her hands pulling down my panties as she went.

I looked down at her, a look of faux innocence in her eyes.

_"We?" _She asked as she lifted my dress just over my hips, _"Hold this for me?"_ She asked, handing me the hem of my dress. I took it in my hands and she smirked. _"Should I stop?"_ She asked, smiling so viciously and I felt a shudder run through me.

_"We can talk later."_ I said, gripping my dress in one hand and pulling her head forward until her lips were kissing my mound._ "I need you now."_ I whined.

* * *

I gripped the counter top and the doorknob, with a leg thrown over her shoulder as she nibbled on my clit. I was weak...putty in her hands and I wouldn't have it any other way.

_"Fuck! Yessss...oh, oh...uhgn...SANTANA!"_ I screamed as I came seconds after she started. Her laughter vibrated through me as she maintained her hold on my clit.

And just like that, I came again.

More laughter...more cumming.

It was embarrassing just how easy these fucking orgasms came...back to back.

My face was hot as she pulled away, staying on her knees as she looked up at me with a shit-eating grin.

_"You okay? Q?" _

_"Mmmhmm." _

_"Did you still want to talk?"_

I shook my head and held my hands down to her, needing to be in her arms right in that moment.

_"Talk? Shit, Santana...I can't even move."_

She stood to her feet and leaned into me, trapping my body between hers and the door again and I grinded against her.

_"Do you want more?"_ She asked and I nodded even if I felt like I could pass out at any moment, I mean, it's not like we slept a lot last night.

_"Nap first...then more. Kiss me?"  
_

Her lips tasted like me and it turned me on even more.

I deepened the kiss, trying to get every bit of my taste from her.

Is that weird? That I like it so much?

It must be...but she doesn't seem to mind as she grips my hips hard enough to leave marks, she's grinding against me...and I can't think of ever wanting to be anywhere else but here with her.

_"I love you, so fucking much." _I muttered when I pulled away for air.

_"I love you more, Q." _

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

It felt like the moment that her body hit the bed, she was dead to the world.

She let out little breathy moans every few minutes and after about five of them, I felt like I was climbing the walls, I was so turned on.

I closed my eyes and listened to her moans and couldn't help but slip my hand into my panties, needing some relief.

My pussy ached...she'd been so out of character last night, fucking me with everything that she had and as I touched myself, the soreness brought me back to last night.

She'd touched me with equal parts roughness and softness, I moved my fingers through my wetness, foregoing my sore clit and pushed two fingers inside of myself...biting down on my lips to keep from letting out a moan.

She whimpered as she curled up her body next to me and that had me pumping my fingers faster, mashing my palm against my clit, thinking of her fingers, her tongue, and her teeth as I brought myself to the edge.

_"San." _She whispered and my head snapped to the side, her eyes met mine and I stopped...she looked at me with a smile and scooted closer and put her hand over mine._ "Don't stop..." _

I moved my hand and she began to nibble on my ear.

_"Fuck!"_ I groaned as I grew frustrated...not quite able to finish what I started to distracted by her fucking biting and rubbing up against me.

_"Aww, Princess, did I distract you?" _She chuckled.

_"Yes! Shit, Q." _I grumbled. "_You have always fucking distracted me!"  
_

_"Oh yea?"_

_"Yes, you're such a fucking bitch." _I grumbled and she let out a bark of laughter.

_"You ain't seen nothing yet, Princess." _

* * *

Her hand nudged mine aside and I moved it. Seconds later, she was straddling me as she pushed her fingers inside of me.

_"You're so wet...wow." _She said, laying her body against mine, trapping her arm between us, her fingers still pumping and pushing me closer to the edge._ "You just can't let my fingers go...what a greedy girl you are." _She growled and I began humping her hand, driving it deeper.

_"Yes! Fuck."_ I gripped her hair and brought her lips to mine, kissing her hard before sucking her bottom lip between my teeth and nibbling.

She pushed down harder between my legs and I brought my hand down on her ass.

_"Shit." _She groaned...trying like hell to regain the control she had over me last night but fuck her, it was my day.

I trailed my fingers under her dress as she continued to fuck me and squeezed her ass.

_"I want to fuck you so bad, Q...if I had a strap, I'd drive you into the wall...the floor. Every fucking place in this room would be tainted." _

She was panting now as I got closer to the edge, her eyes were watching me as I continued to slap and kneed her ass cheeks.

_"Don't write checks that your ass can't cash." _She muttered as she added the last finger, pushing into me until her fist moved past my pelvic bone.

I saw stars behind my eyes as I lost all forms of speech.

Her eyes lit up as my hands fell away from her ass and instead gripped onto whatever I could grab as she fucked me into the sheets.

I threw my head back and absorbed the pain and pleasure of her relentless movements.

And right then...I vowed to myself as she topped me for the second day in a row, that this would NOT become a habit.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

I had no freaking clue what I was doing but I didn't want to stop as I felt her clenching around my hand.

She was thrashing, sweating, and cursing my every movement...so much so that I could have sworn she wanted me to stop but she kept pushing back against my hand...kept begging me to keep going and so I did...no matter how much my hand hurt.

I slowed down, needing her just as bad as she needed me.

Being in control is all giving and as I've previously said, I'm selfish.

So I sat up, keeping a hand on her shoulder as I used the other to fuck her.

_"Touch me."_ I asked her...as I stilled my hand. She whined but let go of the sheets and moved her hand between my legs...it was an awkward angle but the moment her fingers were inside of me...I didn't care. _"Yes! Like that...harder...I'm not fragile. Harder, Santana."_

She stared at me in awe but acquiesced as we grinded against each other working to make the other cum.

I felt so close to her right then as I hovered over her...our breaths coming out shallow as she smiled to herself.

_"What?"_ I asked and she smiled even wider as her fingers slipped out of me and moved to my clit...she squeezed it and I lost my breath.

_"Cum with me...please?"_ She begged and I gave in.

Her body squeezed me tight, nearly breaking my wrist as she came undone.

_"YES!" _

_"Oh GOD! How are you...shit!"_ She screamed as I rubbed against that bump inside of her knocking that smile off of her face as she gushed around me...somehow becoming impossibly slicker. _"Fuuuuucccckkk, QUINN!"_

* * *

We fell asleep wrapped around each other, our bodies spent._  
_

My mind was still cycling through everything that I needed to say to her, knowing that we couldn't get sidetracked again without settling some things.

I had to have some willpower...even if all I wanted to do was make up for all of our lost time.

But her body was still restless...still craving...it's what kept her awake earlier.

Even now, as I drift somewhere between wakefulness and sleeping, I can feel the tremors in her body.

I snuggled closer and wrapped my arm around her, absorbing some of the shaking, hoping to keep her needing to be clean at the forefront of my mind.

We had to do a little work before we could play like this again.

I've seen her slight shaking all day...each time I chose to kiss her or smile at her, trying to keep her mind away from the drugs that her body loved more than it loved me.

For now that is.

I was addicted to this feeling of being this close to her, touching her, breathing her and I was going to fight like hell to keep her.

I want all of her.

* * *

**_A/N: Jojo...2of2! I felt myself getting dark right here and stopped myself. Mic tap...this isn't about dominance and submission, it's not about one of them being weak. For me, it is about a girl who was sexually abused being able to take some of her power back and Santana on some level recognizing that. There is no need to take it to extremes...it's meant to be light and fluffy. Thanks for your reviews, good or bad. Love you chicas!_ **

**_Next chapter...BETH comes HOME! :) _**


	47. Chapter 47:Forget About What I Said

**A/N: Seriously.**

* * *

**Forget About What I Said (The Killers)**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

_"I'm not sure what you want from me but I'm pretty sure I have nothing left to give you."_

_"You said that you loved me more than anyone in the world."_

_"At some point, I did."_

_"But now you don't?"_

_"Now I don't."_

_"You love her more."_

_"Yes, B, I love her more."_

_"How can you say that so easily? Did I mean nothing to you?"_

_"None of this has been easy, B. You know that you meant the world to me."_

_"Where did we go so wrong?"_

I sighed and waited a full beat before answering because I'm really trying not to be an asshole these days.

_"Do you really want me to answer that, Britt?"_

_"It's just not right. You promised to love me forever."_ She said, ignoring my question._  
_

_"...and...I always will." _

_"How can I believe anything that you say anymore, Santana?"_

_"Because I've never lied to you, Brittany..."_

_"Well that's a lie."_

_"Okay...well I've never lied to you about how I feel about you, does that make you feel better?"_

_"Fuck you, Santana."_

_"Cursing at me is unnecessary...I always thought that if we got to this point, our friendship would keep us from being petty."_

_"Yeah well, tough shit. I'm beyond feeling sentimental about our friendship. It's dead...as dead as I should be._

_"Britt...don't talk like that."_

_"Why not? It's true...I SHOULD BE dead."_

_"Come on, B...you're alive for a reason and as far as the divorce, we can work it out without becoming bitter and hateful, I'm willing if you are."_

_"No. I tried to be fair, to be nice to you but you've left me no choice, I hope you know that."_

_"No choice?"_

I sat on the toilet...staring straight into the darkness...not sure why I hadn't bothered to turn the fucking light on.

Maybe I thought it would be a quick trip but then she called me.

And while I'm unsure of just how she got my new number I had to answer.

But I'm not sure why.

And now I'm regretting it...

Naturally.

* * *

The door creaked open and then I was momentarily blinded by the light as I sat there listening to Brittany cry into my ear.

Quinn looked at me sleepily and smiled.

_"Are you done in here or should I go to the other bathroom?"_ She mumbled but Brittany has amazing fucking hearing and I should have muted the phone when I saw Quinn but I didn't think it would be bad.

Only it was.

_"Of course, she's there with you! Of course!"_ Brittany wailed into my ear and I had to hold it away just to save myself a trip to the audiologist. My God the girl has a set of pipes.

_"I might be awhile."_ I said and she pouted but nodded. She knew it was Brittany...she accepted that this was a part of my current baggage and instead of making me feel bad about it, she just left me there...without so much of a complaint.

Or maybe that comes later?

I was tired just thinking about it.

So much for the bliss that should have come from filing for divorce and going after Quinn.

This should be easier.

* * *

_"Why couldn't you just be everything that you promised?"_ She said with a whimper and a sniff.

_"Why couldn't you, B? I'm not the only one who messed up. In fact, I'm not the one that sexually assaulted another person. That wasn't me, was it?"_

I was met with silence and then more sniffles.

_"I wish I could take that stuff back."_

I rolled my eyes and stood up finally, not realizing how long I had been sitting until the soreness in my thighs nearly had me groaning.

But I maintained my composure, the pin pricks signaling the blood flowing back to my legs made walking to the sink, nearly impossible.

So I just stood there and watched the water swirl in the toilet as Brittany lamented over our failed marriage.

* * *

_"I just want to go back in time. Why can't we just forget about everything and start over? Just forget it all?"_

She was a million different emotions at once and I swear that I am not emotionally stable enough for it.

I just wanted to be back in bed, curled around Quinn enjoying our alone time...but instead I had to put up with Brittany's bullshit.

_"What's this really about, B? Tell me why I'm going to be sorry for the divorce, because that's the agenda you called me with."_

_"We had a prenup."_

_"So."_

_"How did I not know that I signed a prenuptial agreement?"_

_"I slipped it in with our list of wedding fees. I mentioned it in jest and you shrugged, kissed me and then went back to figuring out where the lights should go in the barn." _I was mentally kicking myself...how did I not think this would come up?_  
_

_"And you didn't think to maybe talk to me about it first?"_ She said, her voice becoming a bit louder.

_"Brittany, it was a fair agreement...I wouldn't have cheated you like that."_

_"If it was fair then you wouldn't have been sneaky about it. I went to your lawyers office and HE told me. Not you or your fucking parents but your lawyer."_

And someone is fired.

_"Again, what's your point?"_

She let out a yell and I for a moment got a sick enjoyment from pissing her off.

My, my, how our tables have turned.

_"The fidelity clause. I didn't get it but he explained it to me and since you were unfaithful, you owe me your trust fund."_

_"Fuck you, I don't owe you a motherfucking penny."_ I snarled.

_"You kissed her!" _

_"You raped her! Twice, Brittany! Which thing do you think the court will frown upon? Don't be stupid. Sign the fucking papers."_

She got silent and then the sobbing started again.

_"You...I'm not STUPID, Santana! Did you lie about that too?"_

_"What the fuck, man. Why are you doing this to me? Why can't you just let me go, Brittany?"_

_"Because you fucking BELONG to me!" _She screamed so loud that I was rendered speechless...it was so out of character for her to scream like that and I didn't know what to do.

_"Brittany, calm down."_

_"NO! I WILL NOT CALM DOWN!"_

_"Then I'm hanging up." _

_"FUCK YOU." _She said, her voice eerily calm before she hung up.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

_"So if you were unfaithful, you have to sign over your trust fund?"_

_"Well...yes. Only, I can't touch the thing until I'm 25 unless its for school. So I'm not sure how that would work but I'll be damned if she takes all that money."_

_"How much is it?"_

_"I'd rather not say."_

_"Santana, come on...how much could it be?"_

_"My mother doesn't even know how much is in there. It was Anthony's and Mami thinks that Papi dissolved it after his death but he let it grow and then rolled up into mine...it's a lot of money."_

_"Does Brittany really stand any chance of ending up with it?"_

_"Only if she can prove that I was unfaithful to her."_

_"But you weren't."_

_"That's what I said."_

_"She...she raped me." _

_"I know, Q."_

_"Do you want me to tell the judge about it?"_

* * *

We were having lunch on the floor of the living room, each with a glass of wine while she told me just what the hell her conversation with Brittany had been about.

From the sounds of it...the only way to stop that nut job from stealing every cent of Santana's future, I'd have to come forward.

Only...I wasn't sure that I was as ready as I would have liked to be.

And now she's looking at me like she's about to ask me to do just what I had offered and I feel stuck.

I mean...would I be able to do it?

_"You don't have to do that, Q...we can find another way. That would be a ultimate last resort, okay."_

I wanted to sigh in relief but just 24 hours ago, she'd admitted to me that stress from Brittany had caused her relapse.

And now here was more stress.

_"Okay."_

She smiled at me and then took a sip of her wine...staining her lips and making me want to crawl towards her and ravish her.

What is my deal?

_"No more talk of Brittany, its stealing precious time from us. Agreed?"_

_"Well duh. There's no argument from me."_ I said, finally giving into my urges and making my way to her. I climbed over her outstretched legs and sat on her thighs...happy that we had agreed not to talk about her ex wife.

Besides, we had more important things to discuss.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

_"Did you mean what you said about the strap-on?"_ She murmured to me as she sat in my lap...her cheeks tinting.

_"Yes, it's my specialty...I putz it down."_

Her face got impossibly redder as she dropped her face.

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her into a hug, soaking up the smell and feel of her.

_"Prove it."_ She whispered against my ear before nibbling on it.

Chills went through me and I didn't even try to hide them.

_"When and where?"_

_"In the mood to go for a walk?"_

My body was still sore from all the work she'd put in on it but if she was going to off up the opportunity to fuck her the way that I wanted to...I was not crazy enough to turn that down.

* * *

_"How about this one?"_ I asked, pointing to something that looked harmless and she shook her head.

She was still blushing, still looking shy, even though she was the one that brought ME to a sex shop.

_"I need something..."_ She pointed towards the wall just to my left and I turned to see something way bigger than I would have thought.

_"No way...really? You can handle that?"_

_"Shhh."_ She scolded, looking around before nodding her head. _"I have handled that one."_

I couldn't help but laugh.

My God, this was rich.

_"When?"_

_"The professor...at the clam bake...there was a woman. Can we not?"_ She said, looking like she was going to stomp her foot any second.

_"Wow, Q...you just never stop surprising me. Wow...well, if you can handle that...how about we go a little bigger."_

_"What?"_ She said, her face going from red to pale pretty quickly.

_"Look...it's only an inch more. I mean, you say you can take bigger...and I don't want to help you relive the professor, or some woman, or even Lydia...I want you to know that it's ME that's fucking you, unless...you can't handle that?"_

She stared me down and then looked over to the one I had picked out.

_"Fine but you need to buy a lock box, I do NOT want to explain what that is to Beth when she goes on one of her Dora the Explorer missions around the house. Deal?"_

_"Yes. You got it...now lets buy this thing. Time's a wasting, Lucy Q."_

_"Don't get cocky."_ She said and I burst into giggles, and just like I predicted she stomped her foot and had a full blown Rachel Berry storm off.

It was epic.

* * *

_**A/N: I lied. Beth can wait. I needed to work through my writer's block with this important filler chapter. That being said...next chapter is not this light or a filler at all. Get your flashlights ready. Did you miss me? Errors later and Beth will be there...some way shape or form, our homie will come back.  
**_


	48. Chapter 48:The Cave

_**A/N: Second chapter of the day because we've missed each other. Time hopping this chapter.**_

* * *

**The Cave (Mumford &amp; Sons)**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

_"'Cause I need freedom now / And I need to know how / _

_To live my life as it's meant to be"_

* * *

_**Four and a Half months later...APRIL**_

* * *

_"I'm just going to drop out and give her what she wants."  
_

_"No."_

_"Yes, Q. She needs it more than me, her mom has stage 4 cancer, it's the least I can do."_

_"Fuck that. How can you put your life on the line like this?"_

She sat there on my couch, her foot bouncing up and down, looking crazy in the middle of the night. She'd walked from school and shown up here like this...and I'm just supposed to go along with it...

Fuck that.

_"My life? Q...I'm not the one in a wheelchair..I'm not the one dying and keep your voice down, I don't want Beth to see me like this."_

_"Like what? Tell me you're clean, San." _

She looked up at me, her eyes bloodshot.

_"What do you think?"_

_"I think you need to go."_

_"It's just weed, Q...I haven't touched coke in months."_

I was tired, I was frustrated and this was not what I needed to hear from her.

_"Let me testify." _I said, sitting on the coffee table so that I could be level with her.

She shook her head and bit at her dry lips...her leg continued to bounce and now that I was closer, I could see her pupils were huge.

This couldn't be just weed...the signs were right in front of me and I could either call her out on it...make her be real with me or I could ignore it.

I felt so torn.

* * *

_"Mama?" _Beth called from her room.

And then the choice was obvious.

_"Leave now, Santana."_

_"Q..." _She began to say but then it came...the blood dripping from her nose and I knew that she had lied to me...right to my fucking face.

_"Fuck, fuck you, Santana. Get the fuck out...now."_ I growled and watched her leg go still.

Her eyes got sad but she stood up.

_"Mama? Santana?" _Beth said from her bedroom doorway.

_"Hey, Kid...go back to sleep. I'll see you tomorrow. Okay?"_

_"Maybe, Sweets, she has a lot to do...go get in bed and I'll come tuck you in."_

_"Can Santana tuck me in?"_

Santana looked at me and I looked at the darkness on her lip.

_"No, Sweets...she really has to leave."_

Beth looked sadly at Santana who turned away from her and headed to the door._  
_

_"Tomorrow kiddo!" _She yelled over her shoulder.

We hesitated in the doorway, Beth still watching us.

I reached for her jacket and gripped it in my fist.

_"If you ever come around her like this, I will KILL you."_

_"I'm sorry, Q."_

_"Tell me that when you're sober. Goodnight, San."_

* * *

I regretted shutting the door behind her the moment that I did it but it was something I had to do.

Right then, it came down to her and Beth...so I did what she would have done.

And it didn't even seem to serve a purpose because I spent an hour talking to Beth when she should have been sleeping.

Everything boiled down to the one question that unnerved me...the one that made this last two years seem like nothing more than going through the motions.

Is she worth it all?

And right now, as I sit here watching the sun rise, clutching my phone like a life raft, wondering where she is and in what state she's in...I'm not sure if I can answer that question the way that I wish I could.

As much as I want to be with her, right now Beth has to be my priority and school along with cutting ties with Brittany needs to be hers.

So I have to accept that as long as Brittany plays a starring role in her life, she can't play any role in mine.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

_"It's empty in the valley of your heart / The sun, it rises slowly as you walk /_

_ Away from all the fears / And all the faults you've left behind"**  
**_

* * *

_**Half a Month Later...MAY****  
**_

* * *

_**Mami,**_

_**She won't speak to me. One hiccup in four months and she won't even answer my calls.  
**_

_**I've done everything that I know how to do. I've sent flowers, I've written her letters, I've even shown up at her job but she won't speak to me.**_

_**We go to school within blocks of each other and I know her schedule by heart, so I see her around. She's never alone anymore but she's always smiling.**_

_**Maybe I need to move on. I may need to come home for a while for summer break to be done with Brittany once and for all.**_

_**She's going to sign those papers, even if it takes an army, in fact, I need one. Can you help me?**_

_**I can't do this alone.**_

_**Santana**_

* * *

_**Papi,**_

_**I did all the chivalrous things you told me to do and I'm STILL in school, just like you wanted but my grades are slipping. If you insist that I stay here, let me get a job so that I have something to do with my empty moments?**_

_**I'm an adult. **_

_**And yes, to your question, I've been going to NA meetings every single day since and they are helping.**_

_**I can't do this alone, Papi. I need to keep busy or I'm just going to end up back in New York making bad decisions.  
**_

_**Let me work?**_

_**I love you. **_

_**Tata**_

* * *

_"I'm surprised that we are having this conversation Santana. When we talked at the beginning of the semester, I was sure that you would do well here."  
_

_"Me too."_

_"Are you sure that you want this leave of absence?"_

_"No, I'm not but I've never had below a 3.0 in my life and now I'm staring at barely 2...there are people who work their asses off to be in this program and I'm not doing anything with it."_

_"You have been VERY honest with me this year, some of that probably has to do with the fear that my father would tell me first but either way...you came in fighting some tough demons and then the breakup with Quinn. I'm surprised I didn't see you sooner, honestly."_

_"Yea well, my father is a scary man when he wants to be."_

_"Tell me about it, you've met my father."_

_"Exactly, I promised him I'd stay out the semester and I did. I at least passed everything, even if it was just barely."_

_"So how about, you go home for summer, rest. Be clean and healthy, do some beat work, write some...get rid of all the toxic elements and we pick this back up in August."_

_"That's nearly four months from now, Carla...you really want to hold my spot that long?"_

_"You've got promise, Santana. That first student project was amazing. Some of the best I've seen and so yes...I'm willing to keep your spot open until August 1st. Deal?"_

_"Why are you doing this?"_

_"Because, music and movies, it's all about passion. People can feel when it's hollow and meaningless. Right now you are at bottom or near it at least and creativity is fueled by it. Go use this drama and put it in your music...in your stories. Trust me."_

_"Okay."_

_"Do we have a deal?"_

I looked down at the withdrawal sheet that I was clutching in my hands, it had become crumpled at the edges and marked with mascara tear stains.

School was the only thing I had left that I cared about and I didn't want to give it up so easily.

I didn't want to quit.

_"Deal."_

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**_  
_

* * *

_"'Cause I have other things to fill my time/ You take what is yours and I'll take mine_  
_ Now let me at the truth / Which will refresh my broken mind"_

* * *

_**Another Month Later...JUNE**  
_

* * *

_"Are you sure you can handle this, Quinn?"  
_

_"Suddenly you insisting that Beth ride to the park with Vincent is all making sense."_ I drawled sarcastically as I looked out at the big Texas sky.

_"Look, this is a big deal, __it's literally returning to the scene of the crime."_

_"I know that but Beth wanted to come back here again for her birthday and what she wants, she gets."_

_"So that means you invited her?"_

_"For all Beth knows, Santana got busy with school and couldn't come around anymore. I let her believe that for months and now the chickens have come to roost. She was at the top of Beth's invite list...so yes, I invited her."_

_"Do you think she'll show up?"_

_"Honestly, I don't even know."_

_"Do you want her to?"_

_"God, what is the with the twenty-one questions?"_

Lydia sat back in the driver's seat and didn't say another word...for about three seconds.

_"I only asked you four questions. It's not an inquisition, I'm just concerned."_

_"Well don't be. It's Beth's 6th birthday, it's a special day and nothing is going to ruin it this time around."_

_"I hope you're right."_

_"Me too."_

* * *

I'd pulled Beth out of school a week early just so that we could celebrate her birthday in Texas like she wanted to._  
_

And I'd invited Santana and her parents just like Beth had asked me to and now, I was about to return to the very place that I never wanted to see again.

Because Beth asked me to.

At some point, I've got to stop spoiling this kid, I know it to be true but God knows, it's so very hard.

When I got to the gazebo, thankfully a different one than last year, there she sat and my mouth went dry.

Her hair was up in a bun showing off those ears that I've never been able to get enough of, looking healthy and happy as she chatted with her a parents.

It was a welcome change.

* * *

The moment that Beth saw Santana, she went flying by me and straight to her.

And I was happy to see that the excitement was mutual.

_"Mama, look, she's actually HERE!"_ Beth squealed as she ran towards me, grabbed my hand and pulled me towards whence she came.

Santana was grinning as she looked down at Beth but when our eyes finally met, her smile faltered. Instead of a grin, I got a soft smile...one that I like to think is one she reserves just for me.

_"Hey, Q."_

_"Hey."_

_"Thanks for inviting me."_ She said as Beth practically hung onto her leg. _"What ride do you want to get on first, kiddo?"_ Beth looked up at her and thought for a second...and just like in a nightmare, she smiled and pointed to the ride that was in the distance, over my shoulder.

_"The Ferris Wheel."_

I swallowed back the birthday waffles that wanted to make a reappearance and nodded.

_"Then the Ferris Wheel it is...do you think anyone else wants to go?" _I asked Santana...trying like hell to be strong but she knew better.

Santana's eyes were large and she immediately called over her shoulder.

_"Mami, Papi...Beth wants to go on the Ferris Wheel, want to come?"_

If I wasn't freaking out inside, it would be almost comical to see both her parents and Lydia all get up from where they were sitting and walk towards us.

And I've never been more grateful in my life.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

_"But I will hold on hope / And I won't let you choke / On the noose around your neck"_

* * *

Beth was talking a mile a minute as we walked to the giant yellow wheel.

Quinn was at my side, looking like she was in a funeral march and I fought the urge to wrap my arm around her in comfort.

That wasn't my job anymore...I wasn't supposed to be the one holding her together.

Even still, I reached out my hand and took hers in mine...pulling it until it was in the pocket of my sleeveless hoodie.

It was a flashback moment, to Thanksgiving and I could see the recognition in her eyes.

_"Thank you."_ She said, her voice coming out breathy and distant.

_"I'm here with you. I won't let anything happen." _I said, taking advantage of Beth talking to Lydia._ "She's not here."_

_"How do you know?"_ She said, this time sounding squeaky and on the very edge of panic.

_"Because her mother is on her death bed. She hasn't left the hospital in days...and Sue is there...she won't let her leave Lima without telling me."_

_"You made sure of that?"_

_"I did. I won't let anyone hurt you ever again, even me, you have my word."_

Quinn looked at me for a split second...looking so small and fragile...but then just like I've always known her to do, she stiffened up her face and swallowed back the panic.

She could do this.

She WOULD do this.

* * *

_"Car number 7. Make sure that's the one we get."_ She told the attendant and while he looked at her weird, he nodded and asked us to step to the side to let the people behind us through.

It only took about five minutes before car 7 arrived.

She sucked in a breath and then looked back at Beth.

_"Are you ready?"_

_"Yes. Are you?"_ She asked, the innocence in her question coming off more knowledgeable than I could have ever imagined.

_"Yes."_ She said, taking Beth's hand and walking straight into the car that had hosted her first violation at the hands of my soon to be ex wife.

Papi put his hand on my shoulder and I looked up into his worried eyes, knowing that he, who had only recently found out the details, was very concerned.

_"It's going to be alright, Papi...she needs this."_

_"Okay...lets go...stop worrying her therapist is right here."_ Mami said, pushing us both into the car.

Quinn had left the seat on her right side open and when I stepped into the car, she patted the hard plastic.

It felt good to have her need me.

Like even after I lied to her, she still saw the good in me.

She still SAW me.

* * *

Quinn held my hand in a death grip for the entire ascent into the sky while my parents kept Beth's attention on everything but her mother.

It didn't take long for Quinn's head to be on my shoulder as our bodies sat side by side, practically molded together.

_"I'm happy that I invited you."_ She whispered to me as we reached the top._ "I'm happy you're here."_

_"Me too, Q."_

Lydia was smiling at us and texting wildly as she sat across from me.

And when our eyes met, she stared at me for a long time before nodding in approval...or what I hoped was approval.

In hindsight, the ride couldn't have lasted more than ten minutes tops but in that time Brittany had managed to completely wreck Quinn...and for what?

These past few months, with the Cancer whittling Whitney away to nothing but skin and bones, I've resisted from pushing the divorce but after that ride with Quinn shaking like a leaf...

There's no doubt in my mind.

The divorce needs to happen.

As soon as possible and maybe then, Quinn will want me back.

Maybe then, I can actually leave the dark cave that I have been trapped in for way too long.

Because she's worth it.

* * *

**_A/N: See ya on the flip side. ;) Errors later. Review until then.  
_**


	49. Chapter 49:Alter The Ending

_**A/N: So much happens during this summer and I ended on a bit of cliff...hopefully your reviews will inspire more from me...we shall see. In the meantime...enjoy my labor of amor! :)**_

* * *

**Alter The Ending (Dashboard Confessional)**

* * *

**~~~JUNE~~~**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

**...ONE CAFFEINE FUELED WEEK INTO SUMMER...**

* * *

_**Dreaming flashback...**_

* * *

_What had I gotten myself into? Why did I let her talk me into getting that big thing?_

_"You look nervous, Q...we don't have to do this. I'm fine with you taking charge for however long you need to."_

_"No. We are doing this. Just...talk to me and start slow."_

_She hovered over me, her hair swept into a messy bun, with wisps of hair framing her face. _

_I could feel the thing that she so lovingly named, Banger, pressed against my thigh. _

_She began to move closer to my center and I tried to breathe but it was so hard to do._

_"Open your eyes, Q...look at me. Please?" She whispered as she pressed her body against mine._

_I opened my eyes and looked straight into hers. She was concerned about me and was balancing up on her elbows, trying to see into my very soul._

_Only, I kept closing my eyes, anticipating her splitting me in two._

_"Just do it...I'm sure." I said and without a moments hesitation she pushed inside of me until she couldn't push anymore._

_"Open your eyes." She demanded. "Tell me to stop and I will."_

_I put my hands on her ass and held her in place, the sting of the intrusion made me ache but I was savoring it._

_"Tell me something good, Santana."_

_"You're my moon, Q, and my stars. I've never felt closer to anyone in my life." Tears filled her eyes as she spoke from her heart. "I'd give my life to feel like this for eternity. I want to spend my life showing you just how much you mean to me."_

_I let go of her ass and slid my hands up her back as I shifted until she was impossibly deeper._

_"Then start right now, show me."_

_Her face lit up as she pulled back slowly and then pushed forward again._

_"Fuck." I moaned._

_My nails dug into her shoulders as she kept thrusting, each time a little harder._

_"Is this okay?" She asked me after a few seconds. She kept moving and my fingers kept digging but the pain seemed to just drive her further. "Shit." She groaned and hit that spot that no one ever reaches. _

_"Yesssss...harder. Don't stop...pleeeaaassseee. Right fucking there...there...yes." _

_"I love you." She murmured between kisses on my neck, "I love you so fucking much, Luce. Para Siempre, Amor." She crooned as we rocked together. _

* * *

I woke up to a dark living room, with soaked panties and a growling stomach.

My neck ached as I sat up on the couch and tried to focus my eyes in the dark room. The street lights streamed through the blinds allowing me to see across the room to the clock.

It was just past ten and the apparent reason that I was awaken became clearer.

There was a loud knock on the door and then sniffling.

_"Quinn?" _The voice called out to me, knocking me from my stupor.

_"Yea..." _I called out, my voice hoarse from the amount of yelling I'd been doing over the last few days.

That Ferris Wheel had dredged up a lot of gunk that I had been suppressing and Maribel, not too surprisingly, had suggested Primal Therapy which is usually used in childhood trauma but recently has been used in PTSD sufferers.

It's been helping me unleash a lot of the pain that I've been holding in for so many years.

Which is something I've desperately needed.

* * *

The knocking continued right up until I pulled the door open.

I'd expected any number of people but none of them was my old roommate Vanessa.

_"V?"_ I said, still feeling disoriented.

_"Did I wake you?"_ She asked in a small voice as she looked me over.

_"Yea but it's fine, I didn't even know I was sleeping."_

_"Oh...can I come in?"_ She said, her voice remaining small. I reached next to the door and flipped on the light switch before stepping back and opening the door wider.

Vanessa looked around my living room and then plopped down into the recliner...otherwise known as the very seat I just vacated.

_"Can I get you anything? Water? Wine?"_

She looked skittish but then said confidently.

_"Wine."_

_"You got it, kid!"_

* * *

Without Beth around, I've been completely thrown into my work and summer classes, I've spent approximately zero hours doing anything for myself, so it felt pretty good to have a friend here.

I didn't want to think that she was here only because she wanted something from me, even though logically, she hasn't really spoken to me since I graduated a year ago...so there was no way that this was a social call but I wasn't going to interrogate her.

Not yet, anyway.

I handed her a glass of wine and then proceeded to clean the piles of paperwork and books off the couch, so that I could sit and shoot the shit with her.

Because I wanted there, for once in my fucking life, to be someone who sought me out just to hang out without sex or drama being involved.

If only.

Once I was finally sitting, my wine glass dangling in my fingers as I crossed my legs and waited for whatever it was she needed to tell me, she finally seemed ready to open up.

_"I graduated." _

_"Yes! How did you do?"_

_"Magna Cum Laude."_ She said, a look of pride on her face. _"I got into John Hopkins'."_ She said, the smile dropping from her face for a moment before she smiled again.

_"That's your dream school, V, why aren't you more excited?"_

_"I'm pregnant."_ She said before tipping up her glass and guzzling down what was left of her wine.

_"Wait..."_ I said, doom creeping into all of the cracked parts of my soul._ "Why are you drinking? Are you getting rid of it? I thought you were waiting for marriage? Does Scotti know?"_

It was like word vomit, the way that I hit her with question after question.

She put her hands against her flat stomach and then looked at me, tears sliding past the perfect red lipped smile she still had posted on her face.

_"I can't keep it, Quinn. It was a stupid drunken mistake and even if I WAS speaking to that lying, cheating, dog."_ She growled, her face turning to an ugly mask of itself for a split second before turning back to the crying smile a moment later. _"It wouldn't matter because this baby isn't his anyway."_

_"Whoa wait...you guys got engaged a month ago didn't you, I remember because about six of the girls called me screaming in ungodly pitches about it."_

_"Yea well, that's gone to shit. Engagement is off and after I get the procedure, I'm swearing off sex for life!" _

_"No you're not." _

_"I am, it's bad enough I lost my virginity in some frat house but now I'm stuck with having to spend my hard earned money to dispose of it."_

* * *

Her disdain for her unborn child floored me.

For me abortion was NEVER an option and I'm not sure what she THOUGHT I'd say to her but it wasn't going to be, anything she wanted to hear, that's for sure.

_"The father isn't going to help you?"_

_"You tell me...do YOU think that Biff is going to help?"_

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath...and then another...and another before opening them again trying my best not to slap her.

_"You slept with Biff?"_

_"Yes."_

_"And Scotti knows?"_

_"He practically forced my hand. He cheated and so I retaliated...then we reconciled and got back together. We got engaged...then I found him getting a fucking blow job at our engagement party last week."_

_"One that I wasn't invited to, obviously."_

_"There were no kids and since you have one...whatever, It doesn't matter anyway, Quinn...you've got a life and I was leaving you to it."_

_"So if you've made your mind up, why are you here?"_ I snarled because fuck her for not even inviting me.

_"I don't know...to appease my guilt, maybe? I was raised a Jehovah's Witness...I was raised with Bible thumping and while I've already made up my mind...I guess a part of me needed your approval."_

I couldn't believe her.

How could she even ask me that?

There was no way she could even think I'd approve.

_"I'm not comfortable telling you that getting an abortion is okay with me. It's your body, it's your choice but don't ask me to go along with it because, I can't do that, Vanessa."_

_"Okay...that's okay...I get it...I think...I needed to hear that."_ She said, as she stared blankly at her empty wine glass. _"I think I needed to hear that I have a choice in all of this...please don't hate me if I decide to do it, Q."_

_"I won't hate you...I...it will be hard to look at you for a bit but I'll never hate you, V. You're the little sister I never had...we're family. I've got your back no matter what."_

_"Oh God."_ She dropped her head into her hands and began sobbing. _"Thank you."_ She blubbered.

It seemed that for once...I had said the right thing.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

**...TRY TO MAKE ME GO TO REHAB...**

* * *

I felt sadness pooling in my soul as I thought of the haunting look that Quinn had fought to hide on Beth's birthday.

She'd been through so much more than just a divorce...she was so strong and anyone that was with her needed to be equally strong.

And I wanted to be THAT person and so after one week at home, one week spent commiserating over all the shit I had lost since graduation day, each day blending into the next until once again I was craving a fix.

But Lima is not New York or Philly, cocaine isn't as easy to come by or as easy to find in this stupid town.

And so instead, I decided to go to the hospital...

Hoping to steal my father's prescription pad only...something else got my attention before I could.

* * *

_"Brittany?"_

I was in my own world, stalking Quinn on IG, as I made my way to my father's office but then I stumbled into a lump of rags in a wheelchair outside his doorway.

My ex-wife sat there crumpled up in her chair, sobbing, which could only mean one thing.

Ding dong, the witch finally died.

She looked up at me with the saddest eyes that I had ever seen in my life and I felt nothing.

_"She's...I'm an orphan..."_ She said to me, with more tears and more sobbing interspersed between breaths.

_"You still have Pierce."_

_"He's not my father."_

_"Okay, sure. He only raised you but whatever. Why are you sitting here, B?"_ I asked, without even a trace of empathy.

_"I needed comfort."_

_"Again, you have Pierce."_

She looked at me in shock, her mouth was open, as if she was trying her best to say something but no words came.

_"Don't be mean. Besides, your dad isn't here, anyway."_

_"Luckily, I have the key."_

I said, turning my back on her and unlocking my way into my father's office.

* * *

I made it all the way to the pharmacy and back to my mother's house without a single roadblock.

Like providence was shining on me.

Everything was lining up for me to completely be numb.

Even if I had gone two months without any controlled substances, other than alcohol and marijuana but now I was about to enter the deep abyss that was prescription pills.

And something about that gave me pause.

Which gave fate enough time to catch up with me.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and while the number was unknown, I answered it.

Because a part of me really didn't want to be a junkie...this was not how I would get Quinn back.

I needed divine intervention and it seemed that God was on my side because when I heard that little voice...those pills in my palm ceased to exist.

* * *

_"Santana?"_ The voice said and I had to check my phone just to make sure it wasn't all in my head and that I was in fact on the phone.

_"Beth?"_

_"Yes! Hi. I got your number from Mama's phone before she went home. Are you busy?"_

I looked down at the bottle of pills and hesitated for only a moment before putting them down on my desk and turning away from them.

_"No kiddo, I'm not busy. What's up?"_

_"I'm mad at you."_

_"Is that right?"_ I said, slumping down onto my window seat and looking out onto Sooner Street...where Quinn had lived almost all of her high school life.

And now her kid was about to lecture me.

It's crazy how life goes.

_"You promised to take care of her. On the beach. You promised me. Remember?"_

My hands were shaking as I glanced back at that orange pill bottle.

What a disappointment I had become.

_"I do, kiddo. I'm sorry for that."_

_"Do you love her still?"_

_"Of course I do. So, so much."_

_"Then fix what you did."_

_"What I did?"_

_"Yes, she won't say what it is but I know she's mad at you. You made her sad. She cried a lot, I wasn't supposed to hear but I did."_

_"You heard her crying?"_

_"Yes."_

_"I'm sorry, Beth."_

_"Just fix it. She loves you. Promise me you will make it right?"_

_"Bunny, who are you talking to?"_ I heard her uncle ask.

_"Promise me?" _She whispered._  
_

_"I promise, Beth." _

_"Good."_ and then the phone cut out.

* * *

I spent the next three hours looking up short term rehab centers before popping up at Papi's house where he and Mami were having one of their dinners, despite him having a new girlfriend and despite me being in town to have dinner WITH them.

They both looked surprised to see me and Papi had a certain look in his eye...like he knew about the prescription pad.

And I wouldn't doubt it...he knows every medical professional from here to Cincinnati.

The odds of someone calling him were very high.

But before they could say anything...I walked to the table without a word and put the papers down in front of them.

_"I need help that you can't give me."_ I said.

Mami looked at me in disbelief, it was like her perfect therapist facade wasn't functional due to my sneak attack because she looked at me with so much hurt in her eyes.

A look that was a close second to Quinn's face just before she threatened my life.

Both looks cut me deep and I deserved them.

Papi though, the usual worry wart was all business and playing the sympathetic father.

_"Are you sure about this, Tata? Rehab?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Then, I'm proud of you for coming to the decision on your own."_

Mami seemed to get her shit together pretty quickly after she saw Papi out parenting her.

Sore loser.

I nearly rolled my eyes at her but this was too serious of a situation.

* * *

_"I hope you make it through." _Mami huffed._  
_

_"Gee, thanks, Mami. Your support is unmatched."_

_"What she means to say is that she hopes that this helps you, right Mari?"_

Mami snatched the papers from him and began to look at them, her face a mask of uncertainty.

But I looked at Papi and tried my best to ignore Mami's doubts about my ability to actually make it through rehab.

_"Will you take me, I could use you both there." _I glanced back at Mami and she looked at me, her calm therapist facade in place.

_"What was your tipping point?" _She asked.

I took a deep breath and pulled the bottle of pills and the prescription pad out of my pocket and put them down in front of my father.

There was no shock on either of their faces...which meant that they both knew already.

I was ashamed but there was no way that I was going to stop my forward momentum.

_"I am tired of running. I ran from Brittany, from Louisville, from Lima, Broadway, Quinn, I even tried to leave Drexel...you two are both finishers but you raised a daughter that's always ready to run when the going gets tough. I'm not the fighter that I think I am but I want to be."_

_"And you think 28 days is going to fix years of lies and cowardice?"_ Mami spat and Papi slapped his hand down on the table, jarring her out of her attack.

She looked at him with a glare of steel but he didn't back down.

_"She is all we have, Mari. Stop punishing her for not being Anthony. Our daughter, our baby is hurting and we need to support her. You need to give Santana the same love and encouragement that you would give to any of your patients, especially Quinn."_

_"Antonio, I...it's not like I don't love her."_

_"Well maybe what you've been giving her is not enough."_

_"Excuse me?"_

_"What more do you want from her, Maribel?"_

Mami had tears in her eyes...the first I had ever seen from her that didn't involve my ghost of a brother.

She stood from her chair and came over to me, her head just barely making it past my shoulder but her presence bigger than life.

Her hand rested on my cheek, cool and reassuring, smelling of cinnamon and Chanel No. 5.

_"Mamita, I believe in you. I always have and I know that it's hard to admit you have a problem. I am sorry if anything I've said has made you feel neglected or unsupported. I've let my own pride cloud my judgment. If you do this, just promise me, that you'll give it every piece of you...don't be stubborn like me or my mother. Entiendes?"_

_"I will, Mami. I need the help. I want to be better...I want to be strong...like you."_

_"Oh Nanita,"_ She used a nickname from my childhood...one she hadn't called me since then,_ "you already are."_

* * *

**~~~JULY~~~**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

**...ONE MONTH AFTER VANESSA DROPS THE BIFF BABY BOMB...**

* * *

I came home after an exhausting day and there she was, in my coveted recliner eating chocolate with her feet on my coffee table, watching trashy television.

Oh how I missed my alone time.

Back when I was with Santana, we had begun to make plans for our first summer together, great, AMAZING, and sexy plans none of which included Vanessa squatting in my apartment indefinitely.

I opened my mouth to say something when my phone rang.

Yelling at Vanessa would have to wait.

When Vince and Lydia call...I never let it go to voicemail.

_"Yeah?"_ I sighed, storming through the living room and into my bedroom, swinging my door closed a little too loud just to show my frustration. I know that it was passive aggressive but fuck it.

She was still pregnant at my urging...the least I could do was not make her go into one of those hormonal swan dives that involved lots of tears and blubbering.

_"Well hello to you too, sunshine."_

_"Don't be patronizing. I'm not in the mood for it today."_ I sighed.

_"I can see that. I'm guessing you still have a house guest?"_ Vince asked, sounding unruffled by my frustration.

_"What gave it away, the door slamming or the sighing?"_

_"I'll take all of the above and throw in that happy greeting when you answered."_

_"She's taking over my apartment...I don't know how anyone dealt with me through my pregnancy."_

_"Oh, Lydia didn't share that tidbit...you picked up a baby mama?"_

_"Is there something you wanted? Does Beth need something? I just sent her package two days ago...tell her the Tastycakes are on the way."_

_"It is about Beth but not necessarily something she needs...more of, the activities she's been up to."_

_"Like what?"_

_"I've caught her on the phone more than once...thank God for caller id...she's been calling a New York cell number, I thought at first that she was calling Rachel but after talking to her, apparently the number belongs to Santana." _

_"Oh..." _I said, suddenly way more interested in Vince's call._ "How many times?"_

_"Six or seven. The first time, she was clearly talking to her but the last few times, it seems she's just talking to her voicemail because she is always asking to be called back. Did you know about this?"_

_"This is the first I'm hearing about it."_

_"Is she going to be okay talking to her? Should I tell her not to?"_

_"What you really mean to ask is if Santana will talk to her while she's high...honestly, I don't think so. I think she won't answer the call if she's not in a place where she can talk to Beth. I don't want to tell Beth that she can't talk to Santana because she looks up to her and I don't want to wreck that."_

_"Well, for Beth's sake, I hope you're right."_

_"Is she around? Can I talk to her?"_

_"Are you going to find out what they're talking about or tell her to stop calling?"_

_"Let me talk to her and then we can go from there."_

* * *

_"Hi Mama!"_ Beth shouted into the phone, nearly deafening me.

_"Hey Sweets. How's vacation?"_

_"Boring. Alex went to summer camp!"_ She grumbled.

_"Well that sucks, but at least you have your new cousin, right?"_

_"Yes! Vinny is the cutest, Mama."_

_"I know, those dimples stole my heart right out of my chest!"_

_"That's not true!"_

_"Okay, okay, hyperbole. You remember that word, right?"_

_"Yes, exaggerating."_

_"Exactly...so can I ask you something, Sweets?"_

_"Okay?"_

_"Did you take Santana's number from my phone?"_

She got quiet and I knew right away that she had.

* * *

_"I'm sorry."_ She whispered.

_"Why didn't you just ask me for it?"_

_"Because you're mad at her and I didn't want you to be mad at me too."_

_"Oh Sweets, I know how much she means to you. I wouldn't be mad that you wanted to talk to her."_

_"No?"_

_"Nope, in fact, I'm curious about why you needed to talk to her, so bad that you would take it her number without permission and be secretive about it."_

_"Honest?"_

_"Yes, Sweets."_

_"I want her to marry you, so we can be a real family and so we can get a baby."_

_"Oh...um...is that what this is about? You want a baby brother or sister?"_

_"Yes."_

_"And you think that can only happen if I get married to Santana?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Oh, Sweets...did you tell Santana this?"_

_"No. I told her to fix whatever made you mad."_

_"You did?"_ I chuckled because my God, this kid is amazing.

_"Yes and she promised she would but now she won't answer my calls."_

_"Maybe she's too busy trying to fix things and doesn't want to talk until she does."_

_"OH! That makes sense."_

_"So how about, you enjoy your summer break, enjoy Vinny and when you come home we can talk more about this whole baby thing, how's that sound?"_

_"Do you mean it?" _Up until this point...I hadn't even thought about any more children but shit maybe...I have one year of grad school left, why not?

_"I do, so let Santana be the one to call you and just be a kid, let me worry about the big stuff. Okay?"_

_"Okay, Mama."_

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

**...5 DAYS OUT OF REHAB...**

* * *

_"Play that back for me."_

I sat in the dark studio with Sam, trying my best to get the verse right.

But it wasn't working.

At least not the way that I wanted it to.

We listened to the playback and Sam looked really into it but I just wasn't feeling it. Nothing about it had the sound that I was going for.

_"No...stop the playback."_ I yelled and waited for the music to fade before turning on my stool towards Sam_._ _"I know what you're going to say but it was shit."_

_"You've been working on this since you got home, my callouses have callouses, San. It's perfect."_

_"No. I need to mix it myself. We've got your guitar recording so if you're in that much pain, you can go."_

He shook his head. _"I'll use a pic if it gets too bad but maybe it's time for you to get another opinion. I've always loved your voice, so I think I'm biased. You need someone that's going to tell you like you need to hear it."_

_"Like who?"_

_"Mercedes."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Definitely, she owes you one...you helped her when she needed it." _He pulled out his phone and held it out to me._ "Call her."_

_"I don't know, Sam."_

_"What are you afraid of?"_

_"That she's going to think it's shit too. In fact, I'm SURE she's going to think it's shit."_

_"Only one way to find out." _

* * *

_"Can you play the chorus one more time?" _Mercedes said over the speaker. I closed my eyes as I listened to the chorus again, for the trillionth time. Once it was over, she got silent.

Sam looked at the phone that was resting on the music stand nervously and looked back at me with a reassuring smile but with the look of uncertainty he suddenly had, he might be hearing what I've been hearing all this time.

_"Okay...say something, Cedes...she looks like she's going to piss herself."_

I couldn't help but smile when her infectious laugh came over the speaker loud and clear.

Even if I was a nervous wreck about this song coming out perfect, the sound of her laughter seemed to relax me a bit.

_"Okay, Sam, I get what you meant the sound is good. The music is good...Santana's voice is the problem." _She said slowly.

_"What?!" _I snapped at her._ "What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Wheezy?" _

_"Okay, stop, you're voice is beautiful as always...stop defaulting to the negative, what I mean is that there is no emotion in your voice. You have a voice built for soul, for R &amp; B...heck, for country even but rock isn't your thing. Maybe if you slowed down the chorus and upped the bass, sang it like it's the last song you'll ever sing."_

_"Umm...okay?"_ I said, not quite sure how to do that.

_"Oh, I got it. Remember that Adele performance we did the day Finn outed you?"_

_"Yes."_ I rolled my eyes.

_"And remember how you were when Amy Winehouse died?"_

_"God, yes...I was a wreck."_

_"This song is about having a facade and being so overcome by emotion that you can't hold it up anymore. It could have been written BY YOU...that's what you need to put in this song, Santana."_

I closed my eyes and pictured the way that I needed to sing it...she was right.

_"She's got her eyes closed, 'Cedes and is smiling like a lunatic."_

_"Then she's in the zone...Santana, record it...then call me back. I've got to meet my agent. Good luck and Sam...I'll call you tonight."_

I shot him a look and he began to blush.

It made my heart happy to see them picking up their relationship again, they were my favorite of the Glee couples. They reminded me of the ease my parents have with each other.

I aspire to have that magnetism with someone again.

Preferably her.

* * *

My stomach sank as I thought of her expression from that night.

It's always replaying in my mind...I had lost my mind that night and she had every right to throw me out.

What was worse is that even if she didn't know what was going on, Beth saw me like that and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for letting that happen.

I picked up my headphones and looked towards the sound booth.

_"Slow down the tempo...beef up the bass. Run it back?"_

I looked over at Sam, who was slipping his phone back into his pocket.

_"Play the end of the intro, let's lay down the chorus first, okay?"_

_"Got it."_

They played back the slower beat and the louder bass, then Sam began to play.

I closed my eyes and put on my headphones, thinking about that look on Quinn's face...

And then the feel of her against me on that Ferris Wheel, I got a chill and sang from my heart.

My voice broke in some places but I didn't stop until I had sung the chorus twice.

I let out a breath at the end of it, ready to stop but just as I took off the headphones...Sam shook his head and continued to play.

_"You're in the zone...keep going."_

And I did.

* * *

I sat cross legged on her bed, watching her sit in that chair, looking as pale and sickly as Whitney before her death.

Our divorce had finally been finalized without any major blips...she had lost all of her fight once her mother wasn't backing her.

And because I am a softy in all things Brittany, I asked Papi to help me sign off for 10 grand from my trust to go to her.

Only, I hadn't told her yet...that was why I was here but seeing her like this had me feeling like I needed to do more.

She has absolutely been the devil incarnate but at the end of the day...she has been my best friend my entire life.

We shared so many firsts together and so I felt I owed her something more than money.

_"Britt...look at me, please?"_

_"Why? So you can tell me that this is all karma?"_ She said turning her cold expression towards me, bitterness seeping deep into her tone.

_"No, I don't believe that. I think shit happens. I think she was going to die regardless of the fucked up shit that you did. I just needed you to look at me when I told you that you are still one of the most important people in my life."_

She rolled her eyes and shook her head.

_"I don't want your pity. It won't bring her back."_

_"I know, B."_

_"I'm not who I was before I was in this stupid chair."_ She said through gritted teeth as she looked at the chair as if it had betrayed her in some way.

_"In more ways than one. I know."_

_"Quinn won't ever forgive me and she doesn't have to but I'll never go near her or hurt her like I did. I deserve this chair...I deserve this punishment...I just wish I was smart enough to kill myself right."_

_"Don't say that, B."_

_"Why not?! I'm sure you've thought it. I turned you into drug addict."_

_"No...I did that on my own."_

_"I drove you to it."_

_"I don't blame you for my decisions, B. The only thing I blame you for aside from that stuff...is not having the balls to fight harder to walk again."_

_"You don't think I'm trying?"_

_"No. Sorry, B. I don't. If you wanted to walk, they've told you...if you work at it and get that surgery then in five years...maybe sooner, that you'll be able to walk."_

_"I can't afford that...and it's mean for you to throw it in my face."_

_"Well, now you can."_ I said handing her the envelope with the check. _"We may never be friends like we were, Britt, but I love you enough to tell you that I believe in you. I know you can walk again...I know you will find love again and I know that you will find some way to forgive yourself for everything you've done."_

_"Have you?"_

_"Have I what?"_

_"Forgiven me for all the bad things I've done?"_

_"Not quite but I am damn sure trying to."_

_"Do you really think I can walk again?"_

_"It doesn't matter what I think, Britt, it matters that you believe you can do it. Just know, that even though I'm going to be away at school...I'm still here for you."_

* * *

**~~~AUGUST~~~**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

**...ONE MONTH AFTER BETH DECIDED THE FAMILY NEEDED EXPANDING...**

* * *

I was sitting outside on my stoop between Vanessa's knees as she braided the sides of my hair.

Her growing stomach sat behind my head...present...and safe.

_"I'm glad you decided to keep the baby."_ I whispered to her as she hummed to herself.

_"Yeah...I guess."_

_"What's wrong?"_

_"I just don't see how giving up the kid for adoption will be easier than getting an abortion. I mean...how will I survive knowing there is a kid out there with my DNA and I'm selfishly living my own life."_

_"Ow!"_ I groaned when her impassioned statement involved yanking my hair.

_"Shit...sorry. It's just terrifying. I'm going to get to school and everyone is going to look at me like I'm nuts. Thankfully the due date is during break or I'd miss a whole month of school."_

_"Tell them you're a surrogate."_

_"Yea, right, tell potential nurses I'm going to be a surrogate...they aren't disinterested Math majors...they are medical geeks. They will want to know all the details and you know that I'm a fucking terrible liar."_

_"Don't I know it...you would have never gotten through rush week if I wasn't your Big sister."_

_"See, that's exactly what I mean...there is no way that lie will last more than a week."_

_"Then tell them you're having the baby for me...that you're my surrogate."_

_"That's still a lie, Q."_

_"Not if I plan to adopt the baby."_

_"Wait...what?"_

_"Ow! Shit...okay...stop."_ I said throwing my hands up.

She let go of my hair and dropped her hands onto her thighs with a loud slap.

_"Are you serious, Q? You want to adopt my baby? Wait...you realize it's going to be a half black kid, right? It's not going to be pasty white...are you sure you want to take that on?"_

_"I'd be honored."_

_"What about Beth, she won't be jealous?"_

_"It was practically her idea...she just doesn't know it yet."_

* * *

For two months, Vanessa had been moping around the apartment, lamenting over being pregnant, even though she was barely showing but once I voiced what I had been thinking since I talked to Beth, she's up every morning, nagging me into going for a walk.

Her reasoning, _"You want a healthy baby don't you?"_

And how can I argue with that?

But the walks always yielded talks that we otherwise seemed to avoid.

And even after a month her doubts were still very much, lingering.

_"Are you sure you want this baby, Q?"_

_"If you're willing to give it to me, then yes."_

_"Can I...will I be allowed to visit?"_

_"Of course, V...the kid is going to know you."_

_"I'm just so afraid to get attached, you know?"_

_"I do and honestly, there is no getting around that. You are sharing your body with another human being, no matter what, you are going to feel attached."_

_"You're right."_

_"I know."_

_"So have you told Beth yet?"_

_"I haven't but I will, once she gets home next week."_

_"I'm excited to meet her, she sounds amazing."_

_"She is."_

_"I think you have a bias...I'll see for myself."_ She said, scrunching up her face and sticking her tongue out at me before bursting into laughter.

_"Important question...will you tell Biff about the baby?"_

_"He knows, wrote me the check for the abortion...gave me way more than I needed."_

_"How much?"_

_"A grand...so now your baby will have the beginning of college fund."_

_"Nice! Biff would be pissed."_

_"Like I give a shit. Fuck him."_

_"We both did...remember?"_

_"Ugh...gross."_ She said, looking like she'd sucked on a lemon.

_"Did you tell your parents?"_

_"Girl, no...but when I do, you will sure be there. They do NOT need to know that I got pregnant on my own. We can keep up the whole surrogate thing forever."_

_"What happened to not being able to lie?"_

_"Girl, to strangers...but to my overly religious parents, I learned to lie by the time I could walk. It became very necessary."_

_"Don't I know it."_

* * *

It was on one walk in particular...one that we did through campus because I needed to pick up some paperwork, where I saw the one person that I had managed to put out of my mind...(or so I thought)...

She was walking out onto Market street, excitedly talking into her cell phone...looking even happier than when I had last seen her in June.

And I stopped walking, throwing an arm out to Vanessa to make her stop too.

_"What?"_

I nodded my head towards the woman standing just ahead of us.

_"Is that Santana?"_

_"It is."_

_"Well...are you going to talk to her?"_

_"What? Why?" _I whispered, as if Santana could hear us from 20 feet away. She was making her way to a food truck, the phone still to her ear as she rocked an epic pair of heels.

How she does it, I'll never know but my eyes are very much appreciative of her legs in that skirt.

_"Because you are looking at her like a piece of meat...my God, Quinn, how did I never know you were this gay?"_

_"Fuck you."_

_"Um...no thanks...but she will." _Vanessa said with a sly grin.

_"Don't you do..."_ I began to say but Vanessa very much did.

_"SANTANA?!"_

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

**...A MONTH AFTER THE MOST EPIC BALLAD WAS RECORDED...**

**...JUST PRIOR TO STEPPING OUT OF THE BUILDING...  
**

* * *

_"So tell me, Santana, how is it that you walked out of here in May with your tail between your legs talking about people more deserving than you and then show up here on August 1st, with this amazing cover song?"  
_

_"I did some soul searching and I've come to realize that for most of my life I've felt undeserving of happiness. I've always needed validation or permission to be myself and I got tired. I needed to prove to myself that I'm good enough."  
_

_"Well, thank goodness for that because that song is amazing. I never thought a rock song like that could become a power ballad and the track was beautifully put together."_

_"Thank you...I had some help but I did all the final mastering."_

_"Does this mean you're coming back?"_

It couldn't contain my smile.

_"Yeah, I am."_

Carla grinned from ear to ear and ran around the desk and prompted me out of my chair so that she could hug me.

And hug me she did.

_"I'm so excited to get you back in that studio, you are amazing, Santana. Don't you EVER doubt that again."_

_"I'll try."_

She pulled away but held onto my arms, looking into my eyes...her face getting serious for a moment.

_"And you're clean?"_

_"Yes...rehab was a big part of being able to come back here."_

_"Rehab?"_ She said, looking excited once more.

_"28 days, it was intense and invasive but it really helped me straighten some shit out."_

_"I heard...well whatever it is that you got out of it...don't lose it and if you feel yourself slipping...call me. I will go to any meeting, any time, anywhere."_

_"Thanks...I'm going to hold you to that."_

_"Good. Now...go enjoy the rest of your summer, and I will see you here in two weeks."_

_"Thanks for everything, Carla."_

_"Oh no, thank you...Santana, you have no idea how much I needed that cover. I'm taking it home and playing it for my husband."_

_"Seriously? Your husband, the DJ?"_

_"Seriously, my husband the DJ and he is going to LOVE it."_

* * *

I stepped outside the building, not caring that LA was three hours behind._  
_

_"So?" _Mercedes asked...sounding more awake than I had expected.

_"She loved it and she's going to play it for her husband who is a famous Philly DJ."_

_"I knew it! Praise, Girl, you SANG on that song. I'm so proud of you."_

_"Thank you, Cedes, I wouldn't have been able to do it without your help."_

_"I gave you notes but don't give your credit away."_

_"I know, I can't wait to call Sam and give him the news. He's going to be so excited."_

_"Oh don't bother, he's sleeping right next to me..."_

_"What? It's like that?"_

_"No, he respects my vow to wait...but that doesn't mean I don't get to sleep next to him all night."_

_"Get it girl." _

_"Oh I will...once he puts a ring on it, okay?!"_

_"Oh okay, preach!" _

We burst into peels of laughter as I made my way to a cart, starving because I was too nervous to eat anything before meeting with Carla, when I heard my name yelled from down the sidewalk.

_"SANTANA?!"_

* * *

_**A/N: Oh man...I think my block might have dissolved. I put a lot of love into this thing...I know you chicas hate Brittany, trust me...I get it. I read every review and I'm grateful for you candor. Life is on a grayscale. It's amazing how complex your emotions get when an ex that you LOVED does something entirely fucked up, you love the memories and hate their actions but the love of the memories keeps a part of you sympathetic. It's insane...but...so is this story. Review! Next chapter...who knows?! Your guess is as good as mine. **  
_

_**Oh and Jojo...what do you think...dark...ish or nah? Errors later  
**_


	50. Chapter 50:All These Things I've Done

_**A/N: I obviously spoke too soon...I've been endlessly blocked and I've deleted A LOT of versions of this chapter...so I'm posting this before I'm tempted to delete it. Enjoy?!  
**_

* * *

**All These Things I've Done (The Killers)**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

_"I have been sober for 45 days."_

Of all the words in the TWO languages that I speak, why the fuck were those the first ones that I said to her?

God only knows.

She blushed and then placed her cool palm against my bare arm, sending fire burning throughout my body.

_"That's amazing. Congratulations." _

_"Thank you...I...that wasn't supposed to be the first thing I said to you, I had this whole plan...but seeing you today..."_ She shot her friend a glare and then smiled softly at me.

_"How about a do over?"_

_"Do over?"_ My mind immediately went to fixing our relationship and starting again but I, at least knew better than to speak those words out loud.

_"Come over for lunch...maybe then we can have a better chance to catch up?"_

_"That's...I'd love that, Q."_

_"Great! Do you want to walk back with us or you know..."_ Her eyes trailed down my body and back up again, _"Or we could take a cab?"_

_"Actually...I have my car, if you want a ride?"_

Her silent friend suddenly remembered that we could see her because she groaned loudly and rubbed her stomach.

_"A free ride? My God, YES."_

And that's when I noticed that the friend was pregnant...or at least fat in that way that makes you look pregnant which immediately had me wondering if Quinn had moved on with this "friend".

Because if that is the case, I'm going to have to remember that we are only friends.

Distant friends who had fucked...A LOT.

* * *

It wasn't until we were in the car with the "friend" in the back seat and Quinn sitting right next to me that I was reminded of just who this "friend" was.

_"So what have you been up to since I last saw you, Santana? Hopefully not punching out any more of Quinn's exes. Right?"_

And that's when I remembered.

_"You're Quinn's old roommate...Veronica...right?"_

_"Vanessa and yes! I am."_

I glanced at Quinn who was looking down at her phone with a grin because of course she knew what was coming next.

_"So you're not my replacement?"_ I asked, looking at her through the rear view.

_"Oh God no...she's pretty and all but I am definitely straight."_

_"Sure you are."_ I teased and then felt an irritation that had been building dissipate.

_"Trust me, if I chose to sleep with a girl, it wouldn't be with Quinn. You are way more my type than she is...trust me. I love my women of color. I messed with one white guy and ended up pregnant!"_

_"Hey!"_ Quinn said, turning back and glaring at Vanessa. _"What's wrong with white girls?"_

_"There you go, must you always make shit about yourself?"_

_"Fuck you!"_ Quinn said before turning back around and crossing her arms over her chest just like her Beth.

_"Ewww, no thanks and don't go getting offended, Q...you like them with color too. Even your baby daddy has a tan to him."_ Vanessa teased.

It was rare to see someone come so directly for Quinn's pride...it was...refreshing.

Quinn gave her the finger this time and then turned up the radio, hoping to drown her out.

* * *

Having Vanessa in the car made the ride seem anything but tense, thankfully.

Quinn had a lot on her mind and was quiet for most of it.

But then I parked and she suddenly had a voice again.

_"Is this your sobriety chip?"_ She asked as she picked up a coin off of my console.

_"Yea...it's no big deal. Thirty days is nothing." _

_"It's something to me and it will be something to Beth."_

And just like that...all the ease was sucked out of the car.

_"On that note...I'm going to head inside, play nice."_

Quinn didn't even wait for Vanessa to close the door before unbuckling herself and making her way into the backseat.

I watched her make short work of hopping over my center console and smoothly sliding into the backseat.

For someone with a bad back, it was impressive to see her maneuver the tight space so easily.

I was not so confident that I could do the same.

So I turned off the car and climbed out of the car and took the more practical way of getting into the back of the car.

Her face said it all when I slid into the backseat next to her.

_"What?" _

_"Wuss." _She teased and it felt so good...so genuine and I had missed it sorely.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

I was trying so hard to keep things between us light, especially after seeing her reaction to my being so proud of her sobriety.

To her that thirty days might not feel like much but to me and by extension, Beth, it is absolutely the best thing that she could have done for herself.

_"Can I play you something?"_ She muttered and I just barely heard her because she had her head down and was scrolling through her phone.

_"Play me something? You can..."_ I was feeling a little thrown that she was racing towards something other than the coin I was holding but I could roll with it. Hopefully. _"Of course."_

She let out a sigh and then handed me her coveted phone with her music app up on the screen.

_"Hit play when you're ready."_

I looked down at the phone and saw a song from one of my favorite bands...if this was what she wanted to play me...well, she could save the effort because I already knew every word.

_"What's this?"_ I asked and she just gestured to the phone.

_"Hit play, Q. Please?"_

And so I did.

* * *

The song wasn't the same.

It wasn't The Killers...it was her singing a cover of the song.

She'd taken the sound of the song and turned it completely around.

And my heart was practically trying to beat out of my chest.

I looked over at her and she had her head down, her hair blocking most of her face as she sat there mouthing the words while picking at her cuticles.

Every emotion that she was feeling while she sang this was sending tingles up and down my spine.

So much love...so much pain.

I recognized Sam's voice singing the repeating chorus and smiled to myself...and when she sang the last stanza;

_**"With all these things that I've done**_  
_** All these things that I've done**_  
_** If you can hold on**_  
_** If you can hold on" **_

I felt the weight of her words and everything she meant as she sang it.

Talk about not letting things between get heavy, there was no chance of that.

At this point, there was no skirting around our issues with humor...and I was finally okay with that.

* * *

When the song ended, I made to hand the phone back but then didn't quite let go.

I turned towards her...my one leg folded on the seat and the other hanging off the seat...my knee touched her thigh and she looked pretty nervous about it.

_"That was beautiful...was it for..."_ I began to ask but then chickened out just in case it wasn't for me._ "Was that Sam that I heard?"_

_"Yeah."_

My hand still clutched her phone but she didn't seem too concerned with getting it back as she looked at my knee that was touching her and then over my thighs and up my body until she was looking into my face.

She smiled at me and then lifted her hand to my face, using her thumb to rub away the tears that I didn't even realize were sitting there.

_"You can keep the coin." _

_"Huh?"_ I said...completely disoriented by her hand that was still cupping my face.

_"My sobriety coin, thingy. It's from my second NA meeting out of rehab. Mami got it for me."_

_"Are you sure you want me to have it?"_

_"Definitely. I went to rehab because you helped me see what I was becoming. So I owe you at least that."_

* * *

My stomach was in knots as I clutched the coin in my hand, knowing that for her it wasn't about the days meaning nothing but that this chip was something she felt she owed me.

I opened my hand and the gold coin shined up at me.

The name of her rehab center engraved on the back of it.

_"Would you believe that I didn't know that you were even in rehab?" _I said, as I turned the coin over between my fingers.

_"Good...I didn't want you to know. I begged my parents and everyone else that I thought might tell you where I was, not to tell you...even..."_ She looked away from me and dropped her hand from my face...leaving a warmth behind.

_"Even?"_

_"Your mother."_

_"What?"_ I said, feeling thrown off. It had been ages since I had talked to my mother and from what I knew, she knew nothing about my life or Santana's and so this was news to me.

_"Well...she was there. She saw me and I was afraid she'd run right back to you. It's not like I sought her out."_ Santana shrugged.

_"She's back in rehab?_" I shrieked and Santana scrunched up her face in confusion before shaking her head.

_"No, not technically. She went there at some point in the past but now she comes back to help do the church service with her boyfriend."_

_"Boyfriend?"_

She brushed her fingers through her hair and blew out a breath.

_"Okay, you obviously need to call Judy. I can't give you whatever answer you need in regards to her. What I need to talk about is us."_

_"Us?"_

_"Are you suddenly a parrot? I feel like I'm talking to Rachel!"_ She snapped and there she was...my friend...my fellow bitch.

Maybe that was what I needed.

She was being all demure and unknowingly, she was annoying me and well...I was apparently returning the favor.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

I had been trying to keep my cool because this wasn't a part of the plan that I had created in rehab.

The song and the coin were a part of it but seeing her today and talking to her in this hot car was not.

Dinner and dancing...a movie...even a walk in the park would have been easier than this.

I felt like I was in my fucking tomb and the Yale graduate next to me was playing dumb.

Needless to say I was frustrated but she didn't seem to be thrown off by my outburst...in fact, she seemed to be happy about it.

_"How about we get out of this car and go inside...we could catch up?"_ She said...a certain look in her eye that I did NOT want to address because sex was definitely off of the table for a very long time.

_"I can't." _

_"Why?"_

_"Because I will want to have sex with you."_

_"So?"_ She said, suddenly okay with me fucking her even though she barely spoke to me for almost four months.

Truth was, I was nervous to be completely honest with her about everything I had been through since that night but if anyone would understand the commitment that I had made during my recovery, it would be Quinn.

I had to believe that.

* * *

_"Two years, Q. I'm abstaining from sex and dating for two years, until I am sure that I can be clean and take care of me. I moved way too fast in the last few years and ended up hurting a lot of people but mainly...Britt...myself...and you."_

Her eyes nearly bulged out of her head as my words hit her. You'd think she was a horny teenager with the way she reacted.

_"That's...wow. When did you decide this?"_

_"In rehab mostly but also after talking to my mom. You know she loves you but I'm her daughter and...things got bad, Q. Bad enough for me to steal my father's prescription pad...I was taking everything and anything, I've traded sex and favors for coke. Not only is that bad for Beth but it's bad for you. I want you. SO BAD and while I can understand your needs not just sexually but emotionally, I was hoping that you could wait for me?"_

_"That's...wow...a lot to ask."_

I knew it was and I wanted to just say that she could go off and start her life with someone else but I couldn't let her go that easily.

She had to know that I wanted to be with her and her only.

And so I went for it...even if...it was contradictory to what I just said.

* * *

My hands found themselves in her hair, twining through the silky strands by memory as I fused my lips with hers.

I was afraid that if I made the move, that she wouldn't reciprocate but thankfully, I had nothing to worry about.

My nails scratched lightly at her scalp as I deepened the kiss, missing this feeling...missing everything about her and just from the way that her hands were now clinging to my shirt, I could tell that she felt the same way...

Also, the moaning tipped me off.

I felt wetness on my face and for a split second, I thought I had fucked it up and I was bleeding but the days of cocaine nosebleeds were mostly behind me.

She pulled back first and looked at me, shell-shocked and flushed.

The tears were my own and I couldn't bring myself to wipe them away...in fact, the tears that followed them came as I looked into her eyes.

My hands rested on her shoulders now and her hands...well...they were sitting on my bare thighs...my short skirt having risen to my waist in all of our shuffling.

She looked down and smirked before looking back at my face.

_"I'm not going anywhere, Santana but just know that if you plan to keep kissing me like that...two years is going to seem like an eternity for the both of us."_

I chuckled...letting all of the heaviness and worry roll off of me.

_"Noted."_

* * *

_**A/N: Time jump next chapter. I'm done in this time period. I won't let you suffer during this two year celibacy and I'm not skipping a whole two years. TTFN!**  
_


	51. Chapter 51:Two Occasions

**Two Occasions (The Deele)**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV  
**

* * *

**_A week or two later..._**

* * *

_"This could have been me."_ I muttered to myself as my parents stood a few feet away talking to Anthony's headstone.

The ground next to Anthony had a fresh mound of dirt on top of it and a marker where a headstone would soon be.

After going to rehab and seeing just how many people were worse off than I was or who had been to rehab several times already, I realized that I was on the shallow end of addiction and could either decide that I wasn't addicted...wasn't as bad as I thought I was OR I could walk away from the experience knowing that I still had a chance to stop while I was ahead.

One of the many things that came up in therapy was my old habit of trading sex for things.

A habit that started in high school...trading sex for popularity and attention. I realized that I had only had sex a few times where it actually meant something.

With Brittany...with Dani...and with Quinn.

But with the first two...it eventually became a trade off.

With Brittany in the end...it was a trade to keep her away from Quinn and with Dani, it was the only thing that I could do to keep her attention on me and not other bitches.

Neither of those plans worked well for me.

Along the way, I thought it was harmless that a blowjob or worse for some cocaine is only further proof that I was way more addicted than I ever realized.

* * *

A chill went through me as I nudged the dirt with my sneaker, leaving an imprint of my shoe in the soft mud.

_"Tata?"_ Papi called to me but I was frozen in place, imagining someone freshly buried six feet underneath me...it had me feeling like such an idiot for throwing so much of my last few years away.

Hadn't we JUST buried Finn?

Why did I think I was exempt from this kind of fate?

I'm such an idiot.

A hand came down on my shoulder and then a body bumped against my side.

I went from being alone in my thoughts to being flanked by my parents.

_"This could have been you."_ Mami says, cutting through all the delicate pretense we had been walking around with since I came home.

_"Mari."_ Papi warned but no...I was tired of the kid gloves they had been treating me with.

_"I'm a big girl, Papi. It's okay...in fact, I was just thinking the same thing...the last time I got coke, in Philly...it was the night I went to Quinn's. I actually went all the way with some guy...it was the first time I did that."_ My parents were silent and so I just kept going because I had told my therapist this but they needed to know. Up until now, it was something that happened away from them...Papi more than Mami was disconnected from it. Now he wouldn't be. _"I ended up with...chlamydia and had to be on antibiotics. I hit bottom and I tried to act like I didn't but I was this yo-yo constantly hitting the same bottom over and over until Beth reminded me that I made a promise to her."_

Papi's arm came around me and he pulled me against him, he was shaking...probably crying and it made me ache to know that I was the reason.

_"I'm glad you are making things right, Nanita."_

_"Me too."_

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**_  
_

* * *

It was gloomy out as we drove up the highway headed towards home. Beth and Vanessa were talking excitedly about the baby and what we should name him because both of them were absolutely sure it was a boy.

Beth had taken the news of me wanting to adopt the baby just like I thought she would and hasn't stopped talking about it since.

Thankfully, she was so excited that the idea of a flight to Ohio only a few days after getting off the plane from Texas didn't bother her one bit. Vanessa on the other hand, has done nothing but gripe about everything...until we were in the rental car at least.

She hates surprises and me coming home with three tickets just this morning, was as bit a surprise as I could have given her.

Speaking of which, my arrival in Ohio wasn't just a surprise to Vanessa and Beth...it would be to my mother as well.

When we hit Lima City limits, I decided it was about time to let Mother in on my presence.

The last thing we needed surprise her and her boy toy mid coitus.

So I handed Beth my phone and told her to put it on speaker and call her Judy.

_"You didn't tell her?" _Beth whispered as the phone rang.

_"Nope but you will."_

* * *

_"But..." _She began just as Judy answered.

_"Hello? Quinnie?"_

_"Hi Grandma, it's Beth!" _

_"Oh hi sweetie! What a surprise?! I've missed you so much."_

_"Me too! That's why I'm coming to see you."_

_"What? When?"_

_"Right now. We are driving to your house right now."_

_"Right, right now?"_ She said sounding slightly panicked in that frantic perfect housewife way._ "Oh my...I was not ready, are you hungry? Did you eat already?"_

Beth looked at me and grinned, hoping to get out of my mother what I wasn't so good at making unless it was filled with bacon which Beth, unbelievably, isn't such a fan of.

_"Can we have grilled cheese?" _

_"Absolutely! I'll start making them right now. I'll see you soon, sweetie. Oh how exciting!" _Judy chirped.

_"I love you, Grandma."_

_"I love you too! Tell your mother that she should have given me proper notice even if this is the best surprise ever."_

_"She heard you, she's trying not to laugh right now." _

_"Of course she is. She's such a trouble maker!" _Judy chuckled.

_"Tell her about Vanessa."_ I whispered.

_"Oh and we have a friend with us." _Beth added in and Judy huffed.

_"Oh my, who is it? Your dad? Oh your mother is in SO much trouble, springing people on me like this."_

Beth giggled._ "No, its Vanessa."_

_"Oh goody! Okay, sweetie, I'm going to hang up because I am not dressed for company and I will not have your mother embarrass me like she loves to do!"_

Beth ended the call and I nearly crashed the car as I burst into a fit of giggles.

Vanessa followed suite and Beth wasn't far behind.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

It took Anthony's birthday and my bomb dropping about the lengths I went to for cocaine for my parents to actually include me in one of their formal dinners.

Apparently they always had it at Papi's house because it was the rare occasion that he cooked.

How have I gone so long without knowing that?

We sat in the dining room after dinner, having coffee as my parents chatted about how today would have been Anthony's 30th birthday and how he would have surely been seeing someone and might have even given them a grandkid.

In the past, this kind of talk would have made me jealous but as I sat listening to them, I imagined how they would have talked if I had died.

Two kids in the ground would have completely crushed them. My eyes were filling up with tears before long and I tried my best to quietly wipe the tears away but not much goes unnoticed these days.

_"Tata?"_ Papi said as he reached over and cupped my hand in his.

_"I'm so sorry for all the shit I've put you two through. You deserve so much more than I've been." _

I expected Papi to respond but Mami's chair screeched as she scooted closer to me and put a hand on my arm.

_"No. We are so grateful for the person that you are Santana. You are so talented and intelligent. We are beyond proud that you are our daughter. I wouldn't trade you for anyone, not even Anthony."_

I looked my mother in the eyes and thought about the things that I had done and the guilt that I carried...but still she was loving me and I broke down in tears.

It was a full blown Full House moment, all that was missing was the violins.

Moments like these were few and far between which only made it that much more amazing.

* * *

After our sappy moment, things seemed to be even lighter than before.

My parents were cracking jokes on each other and my soul felt lighter.

For once in my life as the replacement baby didn't feel so contrived and worthless...

It was eyeopening.

My phone chimed in my pocket and my parents didn't seem to mind that I had forgotten to leave it in my room. Normally it would have started them in on a lecture. So when they didn't even look my way, I pulled it out of my pocket to check it. It was my reminder that there was a meeting tonight if I needed it...but then I saw a message from Quinn.

_**Thinking about you today. Call me if you need to talk. I love you.-Q**_

I couldn't help my smile as I looked down at the message, wishing like hell that I could just go visit Quinn and have her hold me all night but I knew that was a shot in the dark.

She had bigger things on her plate than me and frankly an obligatory message today was more than I expected from her, even if she's been doing it for as long as we've been friends.

**_I wish you were here. I love you too.-S_**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV_  
_**

* * *

I'm a sap.

I readily admit to it, so it should come as no surprise that I was sitting in Antonio's driveway, parked behind Maribel's car texting the girl that I could see through the bay window.

Trust me, it sounds creepier than it actually is.

My phone chimed and her message said just about what I had hoped it would.

With Vanessa and Beth out baby shopping with Judy, I had hours at my disposal and I was hoping that I could spend them with Santana.

**_I wish you were here. I love you too.-S_**

I couldn't help grinning as I typed in my response.

**_Funny you should mention that. Come outside.-Q_**

I watched her read the message and then her head whipped towards the window. She said something to her parents and not only did she get up from the table but so did they. Sometimes I forget how much her parents have embraced me in her life because for years it seemed that they kept their distance and it was probably out of respect to Brittany but now, they looked just as happy to see me as she was.

_"Get out of that car and come inside!" _Maribel yelled from the doorway while Antonio actually rushed past Santana to get to the car first. It was a sight that I wish Beth could have seen, she would have loved it.

Santana somehow outpaced her father at the last second and nearly fell through the window as she leaned in and planed a big, wet kiss on my cheek.

_"Thank God you're here, these two were being soooo sappy."_ She said loudly.

Antonio huffed from behind her and then called back to Maribel, repeating exactly what Santana had said.

_"Excuse you, Santana!"_ She said and then a dog barked from next door.

It was like being in an alternate universe seeing them all so happy with each other.

* * *

_"Can you give us a minute, Papi?"_

_"You live in the same city! You have all the minutes you want when you're there."_

_"Please?"_ She begged and he finally threw his hands up.

_"Fine. You make dinner for people and they just brush you away but fine...it's good seeing you Quinn." _

_"Back at you!"_

Once we were alone, Santana leaned on the door frame and rested her head against the window frame.

_"What brings you to Lima?"_

_"You among other things but right now, I'm here because I wanted to see you. Is that okay?"_

_"More than okay."_

_"Did you want to go somewhere?" _I asked as I resisted the urge to touch her face.

_"Actually, I'm leaving in the morning and I wanted to savor this time with them...do you want to join us?"_

_"That doesn't sound half bad...maybe with them chaperoning it will be easier to keep my hands to myself."_

She had the nerve to look shocked that I wanted nothing more than to touch her all over._  
_

_"Um...I...uh..." _She said, standing up fully and brushing her hand through her hair._ "I'm sorry, Q. I didn't even...shit." _She blustered and I couldn't do anything but smile.

"I'm fucking with you, trust me, I can control myself. Have you forgotten who I am?" I countered and she just shook her head, a smile trying it's best to remain on her face.

_"The pregnant president of the celibacy club, if I recall correctly."_ She teased and I couldn't even argue it.

_"Touche."_

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**_  
_

* * *

I walked back into the house to find my parents happily sharing dish washing duty as they danced in place to the Marc Anthony that Mami had blasting._  
_

_"You two should just move in together...get married...adopt a pet."_ I quipped as I rested back against the counter.

They both looked at me for a long moment and then each other...and out of fucking nowhere, he leans down and she leans up and they kiss.

Like a motherfucking fairy tale and I'm just standing there like they morphed into vampires.

_"Oh wow!" _Quinn said as she walked into their lingering kiss._ "This is new." _

I looked at her in shock.

_"Tell me about it."_

Mami fell back down onto her feet and went back to washing her dishes as she popped her gum...

But wait...she wasn't chewing that before, Papi was...Oh gross...Ewww.

Papi clapped me on the shoulder and leaned over and kissed my forehead.

I just stood there frozen as I looked at Quinn, who was holding back laughter as she bit on her bottom lip.

Her phone rang and she answered it without looking away from me. From the way her face brightened, I knew it was Beth.

_"Why don't you go put a movie on while we finish up in here?"_ Papi asked me and I just nodded, happy to have a reason to leave the kitchen.

And even though she was on the phone still, I grabbed onto Quinn's hand and pulled her along with me.

For all the years that I prayed to have parents that were together, I don't think I was quite prepared to see it happen right before my eyes.

* * *

I curled up on the corner of the couch while Quinn paced back and forth in front of me.

This seemed so normal...even if it was the first time we were spending time together since she stepped out of my car, needing to process everything I had told her.

We had sent a text or two but nothing more than that. Now though, here she was in my father's living room, her bare feet sinking into his carpet as she chatted happily to baby girl.

I couldn't stop watching her, I was obsessed with the woman that was right within my reach...the one I had asked to wait two whole years for me.

She scratched at her side, her shirt lifting and I was practically drooling.

Fuck.

I picked up the remote and turned on the television, trying my best not to look at her but she just kept walking across my vision, her fingers running over her bare stomach.

_"Hey! Horndog...keep it in your pants."_ Papi yelled after walking into the room and seeing me staring.

I glared at him and he just burst into laughter.

_"Not cool, Papi."_

_"Hey you decided on the celibacy, not me..."_ He said, throwing up his hands in surrender.

_"Stop messing with her, Tony. That's not nice."_

_"Tony?"_ I said, not used to anyone calling Papi that...especially not Mami.

_"See I told you we should have just told her."_ Papi whined as he sat down next to me, a beer in one hand and the a pillow in the other.

He looked mischievous but I couldn't imagine what he was going to do with that thing until I saw it fly at Quinn as she crossed in front of the television again.

She jumped back and glared at Papi before sticking out her tongue.

Then she was looking at me as she held her phone in her hand.

_"So I have to go."_ She said and the three of us in unison all groaned.

_"Why?"_ We protested.

She looked at the three of us with a barely contained grin.

_"Beth and my mother are very upset that I'm here without them."_

_"Are you going to pick them up? Can I come?"_ I shrieked...needing to suddenly put some distance between me and my parents...even if it was just to go two blocks, only to come back.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

An hour later we sat hunkered down in Antonio's rarely used theater room, Beth sitting between me and Vanessa on the couch as we launched into a Disney movie at Beth's request.

Sweet Lord, how I hate Disney movies but the fact that I was watching it with all the people that I loved, meant that I would happily watch Frozen yet again.

Beth was singing almost immediately and to my surprise, Santana who was sitting just in front of me between my mother and hers, sang every word.

It had been so long since I heard her sing in person...so long since I closed my eyes and enjoyed the way her voice made every nerve ending in my body come alive.

_"Are you sleeping?"_ Beth asked me a moment later and I shook my head, not bothering to open my eyes.

_"No...I'm listening."_

_"To the movie or Santana?"_

_Very astute...this kid._

_"Both."_

_"I like her voice. She sounds awesome."_ Beth said excitedly...probably louder than she thought she did.

And then the room went silent and Santana's head popped up over the back of her chair...she looked just as excited as Beth did every single time we watched this damned movie.

_"Do you want to watch the sing-a-long version? We could have a competition...unless you guys are chicken?"_ She teased and all of a sudden we were splitting off into teams because there is no way she is calling me a chicken and getting away with it.

Suddenly the prospect of watching this movie didn't seem so bad...

What was happening today?

Have we all gone mad?

* * *

**_A/N: I just got back on! Huzzah! There was supposed to be more but I didn't want to go dark...Errors later!_**


	52. Chapter 52:Be Alright

**A/N: This song makes my soul happy. Happy Monday!**

* * *

**Be Alright (Kehlani)**

* * *

**Still August  
**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

**~~~A WEEK AFTER THE AWESOME FROZEN KARAOKE~~~**

* * *

_"Are you ready for this?"_ I held the sides of her face and tried my best to keep her from getting another panic attack.

_"No."_ She said, her eyes wide in panic as she tried to breathe.

_"You're not alone. I'm here with you, put it all on me. Okay?"_

_"You're still sure?"_ She asked and I nodded.

_"Yes."_

_"Mama, is everything okay?"_ Beth said as she came into the living room wearing the sundress that I had picked out for her.

I brushed away the last few tears that still remained on Vanessa's face before looking over at Beth.

_"Yes, sweets, Vanessa is just nervous. It will be alright, why don't you go peak outside and see if Uncle Jake is here yet, please?"_

She smiled and nodded, _"Of course, Mama."_ She looked up at Vanessa, ready to say something that I'm sure would have been encouraging had Vanessa been in the frame of mind to hear it but she wasn't.

_"Go ahead, sweets. I've got everything under control."  
_

* * *

_"Is your brother going to give you crap for this?" _I asked Jake as he slid a ring on my finger, a simple gold band that he had borrowed from his prop department...one that matched the one he was wearing._ "Or Kitty?"  
_

_"Puck doesn't think I'd ever stand a chance with you so he's not worried and Kitty doesn't need to know about this. It's better that way."_

_"You're sure?"_ I asked as Vanessa and Beth walked ahead of us towards a towering front door.

Jake took my hand into his and then pulled it up to his lips._ "No worries. I'm happy to do this favor for you."_

_"Thanks, Jake. You're the best pseudo brother-in-law/husband that a girl could ask for."_

Vanessa had already knocked on the door by the time that I was paying attention.

Her mother opened the door, her face shining bright when she saw her daughter standing on the doorstep.

Unlike me, she had warned her parents that she was showing up today with company so she looked prepared for us.

For this situation to work in Vanessa's favor, we didn't want to ruffle any feathers.

As far as they knew, she was a virgin who had never so much as looked at alcohol in her life and while I wasn't able to preserve that idea in my parents minds, I wouldn't be the one to ruin that for Vanessa's parents.

It amazed me though, that at 22, she was just as afraid of her parents as I was at 15.

* * *

_"So he didn't sleep with my daughter to get her pregnant, correct?"_ Vanessa's father Abel asked us.

He had sent Vanessa and Beth off to the kitchen with his wife while he drilled me and Jake about the circumstances of Vanessa being pregnant.

Abel was a big, imposing man, who, from the stories Vanessa has told me, is a really big teddy bear once he trusts you.

_"That's correct. Jake and I...we waited for marriage to consummate and he's been a faithful man."_

_"And you were able to accept her with a child already?"_ Abel asked Jake, looking surprised that he was willing to touch an unclean woman.

Jake sat up a little straighter and squeezed my hand a little tighter.

_"Actually, sir, that's what attracted me to her even more. I was raised with a strong faith and I believe that everyone deserves a second chance, Quinn has been every bit the perfect God fearing wife and I want nothing more than to build a family with her."_ Jake was really selling it as he looked at me with such intensity and conviction before looking at Abel.

If I didn't know that he was training to be a dancer/actor, I'd believe that he actually believed these things.

_"That's very noble of you, young man."_ Abel stood up and so did Jake, they shook hands and maintained eye contact for a long moment before they both smiled and Abel was patting him on the back. _"Let's break bread and toast the new life that you two are bringing into this world, yes?"_

And just like that, it seemed the storm that Vanessa was waiting for wasn't going to come.

I just hoped God would forgive me for such a whopping lie.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

_"Let me get this straight, you used Puck's little brother so that they wouldn't question why you didn't choose a white surrogate?"_

Quinn laughed and Vanessa leaned forward from the backseat.

_"Yes and let me tell you, they are so happy that I'm still a virgin and that I'm helping a needing God-fearing couple."_

_"Oh yea? You guys put God in it...that's not laying it on too thick, is it?" _

_"Nah. I made Quinn go to church with me the next day so that we could pray over it, just to cover our bases."_

Quinn looked back at Vanessa and smiled. _"My favorite part of that whole time was how Vanessa's parents kept calling her Gumdrop the whole afternoon because as a kid she got a whole bag of them stuck in her hair."_

_"No way!"_ I cackled and saw how annoyed Vanessa was as she sat in my back seat fuming.

_"That was VERY traumatizing, thank you very much! They shaved my head two days before the start of kindergarten. I was a pariah!"_

* * *

Vanessa looked tired as she rested back against the elevator wall with her head on Quinn's shoulder.

She was now showing more since I last saw her over a week ago, it was hard to believe that in just a few short months, she'd be handing that baby over to Quinn.

In the meantime, she would be down here in Maryland, living alone while she goes back and forth to classes.

The idea of it makes me nervous, especially since she's going to be living off campus in a one bedroom apartment, all alone.

This wasn't even my kid and I was already excited for it, which meant that I was overly protective of a baby that really had no connection to me...yet.

_"You okay?" _Quinn asked, looking over at me with concern.

_"Just anxious about Vanessa...are you sure you're going to be okay all by yourself?"_ I asked her.

Vanessa rubbed her stomach and then smiled softly.

_"I'll be surrounded by doctors and nurses all day long, I'm not the only person from school that lives in this building. Trust me, I'll be fine."_

_"And if she isn't, I will be down here in a flash." _Quinn followed up.

_"Yes. WE will be." _

Quinn looked at me and mouthed...WE back to me and I nodded.

I had already decided...two years of a breather from sex didn't mean that I didn't want to lay the groundwork to be a part of her family. To be a second parent to Beth and the new baby.

_"Oh this is exciting! My baby is bringing you two back together!" _Vanessa said, suddenly alert as she clapped her hands together and looked back and forth between me and Quinn._ "The kid is going to be so excited about this!" _

Quinn looked at her sharply,_ "Don't you dare tell Beth a thing!" _

_"I wouldn't dream of it, Q."  
_

And just like that Vanessa's bubble burst and she deflated a bit but she still winked at me when Quinn wasn't looking.

* * *

_"Did you mean it?"_ Quinn asked once we were headed back to Philly.

_"I've been thinking about the celibacy thing, Q and talking to my sponsor about it."_

_"And?"_ She said, looking hopeful.

_"I still want to wait."_

_"Oh."_ She said, sounding disappointed.

_"But...I think we shouldn't put our relationship on hold. I think we should date, take it slow and then maybe when we get married in a few years...then we can go all the way."_

_"You...wait...you want to marry me?"_ She stuttered and I rolled my eyes.

_"Of course I do but I don't want to rush it. I want it to happen naturally."_ I reached for her hand and she responded immediately.

_"So how long do we 'just date' before we make it official?"_ She asked, sounding nervous.

_"I'd like to make it to six months sober...Christmas Day and then we can tell Beth and whoever else you want. How's that sound?" _

_"It sounds like a plan...a really good plan."_

_"In the mean time, I have a request."_

Surprisingly, this was the hard part of the conversation.

_"Okay?"_

_"I asked this of my parents and Mercedes, and Sam and Rachel because shit, she needed this before me but definitely now...there's meetings for family and friends of addicts...I'd like it if you went a few times...even take Beth if you're comfortable with that."_

_"Ummm...why so many people?"_

_"I think if everyone around Finn knew what he was into...knew the signs, that there's a greater chance that he'd be alive. In rehab we talked about surrounding ourselves with a network of accountability and that by having one...you stand a greater chance of staying sober."_

_"That makes sense."_

_ "I want to stay sober, Q. I want to live and I want you to know that, I'm so committed to you and the kids. I love you guys so much."_

_"Okay. I'll go and see how it is...then maybe I'll take Beth but...I want YOU to be the one to tell her about the addiction...or at least be there with me."_

_"Absolutely." _I said, swallowing back the nerves that I suddenly had, thinking about having to admit something so real to Beth. She was growing up in the city, there was no way she didn't know what drugs were and how dangerous they were.

Bad people do drugs...at least that's the impression I had always been given as a child, the last thing I wanted was for her to think that I was a bad person.

Even though, that's exactly how I felt after that night.

_"It's going to be alright, love, I've got your back. We can get through this together and Beth will ALWAYS love you just like I will." _

* * *

**OCTOBER**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV  
**

**~~~TWO MONTHS OF DATING &amp; ATTENDING NAR-ANON MEETINGS~~~**

* * *

I don't know what I had expected from the meetings, maybe that they would be full of people that were angry and unforgiving?

But what I found there, was people of all ages who were doing their best to support the people that they loved through one of the hardest things a person could deal with.

And even though there were kids there, I wasn't immediately sure about bringing Beth to the meetings because as a parent, you just want to wrap your kid up in a bubble for as long as you can but Beth isn't like other kids.

She's seen death in person, she's lost people and has lived in four different states in her six years of life.

My daughter is the smartest, toughest and coolest kid that I've ever met but she's still just my baby.

I want to protect her and more than anything, I want to preserve her idea of Santana as this superhero for as long as I can but after two months of seeing the way that Santana was struggling to find a way to talk to Beth...I decided to step in.

_"I'm going to take her to a meeting tonight."_

_"Before I tell her?"_ Santana asked as we had lunch between classes. _"Are you sure?"_

I reached across the table and took her hand in mine. Her worried expression got softer as she looked down at our hands and then up at me.

_"She's smart, she knows that something is up and I think that if she goes to a meeting or two, meets other kids that have loved ones going through addictions. Hears stories about the people and knows more about what it's like to go through this...it will be easier to talk to her."_

_"Why now though?"_ She asked, her face scrunching up as she squeezed my hand.

_"It's been two months, I know you wanted to wait for six months sobriety to talk to her but I think she should know now. You've been spending a lot of time with us, dinners three nights a week and now church on Sundays. It's time."_

_"Okay. So when should I talk to her about me then?"_

_"I don't know, I have a feeling that she's going to guess after I take her to the meeting, but if she's asks me, I'll tell her that she needs to ask you. I still want you to be the one to talk to her."_

_"Okay."_ She said, looking like I had asked her to perform open heart surgery but I understood it, the meetings had helped me see how much addiction took over every part of your life and just how judgmental people could be.

But I had faith in her...in us.

* * *

Every Wednesday for the last two months, I've been dropping Beth off, right after school, with Jake and Kitty for family time.

She's never questioned it because she knows that I'm in school and working all different hours, so I never really corrected her.

The less I had to explain, the better. It was a carry over from how I was raised, if a precedent was set you didn't question it and without even telling Beth, she seemed to pick up on that pretty quickly.

So when I picked her up from school and we headed home instead of towards South Philly, she looked at me in confusion but didn't say anything at first.

Not until we got inside and she started pulling out her homework and I told her to put her coat back on.

_"What's wrong?"_ She asked, her eyebrow raising and her fists resting on her hips, in my signature high school stance.

_"I haven't been at work or school on Wednesday nights...I've been going to a special kind of meeting and today, I wanted to share it with you."_

_"What kind of meeting?"_ She asked, not moving an inch from where she stood.

_"It's called NAR-anon, it's for family and friends of people with drug addictions. They help people learn how to deal with it and be a good support."_

_"Oh."_ She said, turning from me and picking her coat up off the couch, slipping it on and walking towards me with a serious look on her face.

_"Is that it? No more questions?"_ I asked, surprised that she didn't ask anything right away but then again, maybe she's way more astute than I had figured.

_"No."_

_"Okay then, the meeting is just up the street on 22nd...we can walk there."_

She slipped her hand into mine and we walked the whole way in silence which made me more nervous than if she was full of questions but I wasn't going to push, she'd talk to me when she was ready.

* * *

I was anxious as we walked inside but Beth seemed to loosen up even more as we sat in one of the middle rows, near a few of the other kids and within minutes, I understood why she had been so quiet, so calm.

_"Hi Beth."_ A little red head girl said from the row in front of us after looking at me hard and then at my daughter.

_"Hi Daisy."_ She said quietly and then looked up at me. _"She's in my class. Her mom did drugs. She's in rehab now."_ She whispered.

I nodded, knowing more about Daisy than that, like how she was a step away from foster care but it seemed to fill in the blanks for me. Beth had obviously been talking about this meeting with Daisy at some point.

This had been a fear of Mother's when she found out I'd be raising Beth in the city. She complained that city kids grew up faster, knew more things and got into more trouble but then I reminded her that I'd been pregnant at 15 despite being in the suburbs, being wealthy, and being a church mouse.

Besides, Shelby had been raising her in New York City, so Philly wasn't going to be worse off.

Now though, I could understand her fears a little better because I knew nothing about drugs when I was six years old...neither did Santana or Finn but look how that turned out.

Knowledge is power and in Beth's case, with her being so precocious, I'd rather she be steered in a sober direction as early as possible.

This was the right thing to do, especially since she already had been having these kinds of conversations without me even knowing.

It was terrifying but I was kind of grateful for it.

Even if that had me wondering whether she thought it was ME that had the problem.

And if that's why she refused to let go of my hand during the entire meeting...not even in the cookie line.

* * *

_"Do you have any questions?"_ I asked her as we walked back home an hour later.

_"Daisy told me that she saw you at those meetings but I didn't believe her."_

_"Did she?"_

_"Yes and I know you aren't on drugs, right?"_

_"No, sweets, I'm not."_

_"Did you ever?"_

_"Do drugs? I did for a short time, after I hurt my back but I got better."_

_"Is that why we are here, for you?"_

_"No baby."_

_"It's Santana, then? That's why I couldn't see her last year, right?"_ She asked directly and despite wanting Santana to talk to her about this, I felt that it was best that I answer her than she make assumptions on her own.

_"Yes, sweets. She needed to go and get better before she got to hang around with us."_

_"And she IS better, right?"_ She said, her voice sounding heavy with tears as we turned onto our block.

_"Why don't you ask her yourself?"_ I said as we approached our steps.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

**~~~AFTER MULLING OVER HOW TO APPROACH BETH AND DECIDING THAT IT WAS NOW OR NEVER.~~~**

* * *

Quinn texted me to remind me that tonight was the night and that if I wanted to come over after the meeting, I could but that there was no pressure.

Only, there was pressure, a shit ton of pressure from the moment that I decided that I wanted to be serious with Quinn while being sober. I was under pressure from the moment I decided to get clean but it wasn't the kind of thing that I was going to run from.

I was blessed to be alive and able to have the opportunity to get clean.

So I was taking things as they came and being as honest as possible.

Sure, I felt unworthy of the love that I got from Quinn and Beth but that didn't meant that I was going to push it away.

I just needed to take my time and be the best version of myself for both of them...(soon to be the three of them).

Today, I was proactive, I'd gone to a meeting after lunch, then packed an overnight bag, and picked up dinner before planting myself on Quinn's front step to wait for my two favorite ladies.

From the looks of it, Quinn was getting hit with questions as she made her way down the street with Beth.

Our eyes met as she got closer and I caught the end of their conversation.

_"And she IS better, right?"_ She said, her voice sounding heavy with tears as we turned onto our block.

_"Why don't you ask her yourself?" _Quinn said as they got closer.

Beth looked up at me and smiled her same old grin.

And right then, I knew that this kid was going to love me no matter what.

I couldn't let her down.

After all, it was the promise to her that I was trying to keep.

* * *

Beth stood at the base of the steps, looking in my eyes with tears in hers.

_"Are you better?"_ She asked, sounding like she was ready to break down at any moment.

_"I promised that I would fix it, Kiddo and I am. I'm getting better."_

She looked up at her mother and then back at me, the tears having fallen down her cheeks but her grin back in place.

I sat there waiting for her to say something but instead she just threw herself forward, wrapping her little arms around my neck.

_"Good. I'm so happy you're okay. Please stay okay. I love you."_ She whispered.

I stood up with my arms wrapped around her and squeezed her tight.

_"You got it kid. I'll do my best and now that I know that I've got you in my corner, I know I'll be okay. I love you too."_

_"And Mama, you love her too?"_ She asked as she pulled back enough to look back at Quinn and then me again.

_"I do. I love her too."_

_"And the baby?"_

_"Yes, the baby too."_

_"Good."_

* * *

The three of us wolfed down dinner and then sat at the dining room table and worked on homework.

It was probably the most domestic thing that we did and it felt so good to be with them and to be sober.

Now that Beth knew, a heavy weight had left my shoulders and I could actually work towards becoming a family without feeling like there was big secret.

Only...we still had one.

And the kid had seemed to pick up on it.

_"So are you two back together yet?"_ Beth asked after a half hour of us sitting there in silence.

Quinn kept her head down as she highlighted something in her book but I lifted my head immediately.

Beth was staring at me with that raised eyebrow that reminded me so much of her mother and I couldn't lie anymore.

_"Almost."_ I admitted.

She looked over at her mother and directed the next question at her._ "Why almost?"_

But Quinn glanced at me and then back down to her book. _"Ask her."_ She mumbled.

_"I want to be sober for six months. I want to prove to you and your mom that I can do this."_

_"Okay."_ Beth nodded, _"That's acceptable as long as it happens when that day comes."_ She said with way more maturity than a six year old and then went back to her homework like it was no big deal.

_"Agreed."_ Quinn muttered.

I looked over at Quinn and she was grinning as she continued to highlight her book, looking smug.

The two of them were both smiling, both trying to focus on their homework, both agreeing that I had a deadline to make things official.

What on Earth was I getting myself into?

Whatever it was, I felt blessed to finally be a part of it.


	53. Chapter 53:Survivors

_**A/N: There's a little bit of everything in this chapter...brace yourselves...and no worries...I will NOT kill anyone. I've been thoroughly warned.**_

* * *

**Survivors (Selena Gomez)**

* * *

**STILL OCTOBER**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

_"You need to work on your breathing. Have you considered joining Tai Chi instead, I mean how are you even out of breath, it was just one warm up drill?"_

I took a deep breath and then guzzled down as much water as I could, I was covered in sweat after only ten minutes of warming up, my tank top was clinging to my back even in the air conditioning and to top it off she wouldn't stop staring at me.

I felt gross but I could tell that she was turned on by seeing me like this but then again...it seemed that she was always turned on these days and me being sweaty and gross seemed to be no exception.

_"I'm fine. Let's do this."_ I finally said as I put down my water bottle.

_"Yea? Are you sure you can handle this? You could always go back to being a cheerleader." _She quipped, with a shit eating grin, obviously using sarcasm as a mask for her actual feelings of lust.

I wanted her too...all the time, but I was committed to being celibate...no matter how hard it was.

_"Fuck that, pass the ball, Q."_

She smiled at me and then threw the ball with all of her might straight at my chest.

I wasn't ready for it and it knocked what little wind I had managed to gain, right out of me.

_"Too hard?"_ She asked sweetly and I just rolled my eyes, choosing to start dribbling instead of giving her the satisfaction of hearing me wheeze out a response.

I already knew what I was in for when I had asked her to run drills with me but I hadn't factored in the whole sexual frustration bit she was dealing with.

Obviously that made her extra vicious but I figured at the end of the day, she was still the girl who loved me.

So I wasn't taking her taunting to heart...in fact, I was giving it right back.

* * *

I held the ball in my hands and stood, breathing deeply at the baseline waiting for her to call time so that I could start my first round of suicides.

Quinn was insisting that I run every drill that we did today either holding or dribbling the ball, so that I could get used to running with it, which was proving much harder than I thought it would be.

Even after all these years, she was still an athlete and I knew that if anyone could get me in shape for basketball tryouts, it would be her.

_"Go!"_ She yelled from the sideline and I went as fast as I could...only the ball bounced off of my foot instead of the ground and I had to scramble to grab it before it rolled away.

_"Start again! What kind of shit was that, San? It's a basketball, not a pom-pom!" _

_"I'm more than a damned cheerleader, Lucy, so fuck you, I can do this."_ I growled as I went back to the baseline, ready to start again.

I looked over at her and could see beyond that this bringing out the competitive side of her and for a moment I noticed the concern in her eyes.

_"Are you ready?"_ She asked, squinting her eyes at me. But I just smiled and nodded. After a beat of looking me up and down, she held her stopwatch in front of her and counted it out. _"3...2...1. Go!"_

And I did, this time making sure that the ball made contact with the floor instead of my foot, as I ran, alternating between each hand as swiftly as I could.

Baseline to foul line and then foul line back to the baseline was cake and even the dash to half court and back was fine but from the start of the run from the baseline to the opposite foul line, I began to feel slightly dizzy.

I should have slowed down right at that moment but I'm stubborn.

Always have been and this was no exception.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

I was tired, horny, and endlessly cranky...being given a chance to coach in any capacity was returning me to my Cheer Captain days.

This was the side of me that made me a captain in my Sophomore year of high school...pushing people is like a high for me.

So much so that I was forgetting the signs of a person reaching their limits.

Frankly, I was just glad to see that she wanted to do something for herself.

Joining the basketball team was a new goal of hers and I was 100% here for it.

Even if I was a little hard on her but who could blame me, even though I haven't been able to participate in any sports since my accident, I still like to stay in shape, its important to me.

Plus...in between the moments I was running her into the ground, she looked happy to be doing this and I am a sucker for her smile.

I had seen Santana in action many times.

I had seen her train harder than anyone when we were out on the field together and so I was expecting that same old caliber of effort from her, only I think we both underestimated just what those drugs had done to her system.

She was short of breath more and more as we went along but that happens to anyone who starts working out again after going years without doing much of anything.

There were other red flags but I saw the look of determination on her face and chose to ignore them.

Guilt and terror raged through me when I realized just how big of a mistake that was.

She was making great time as she was on her way back from the second foul line but then she crumpled onto the court like a rag doll and I nearly lost my mind.

* * *

I knelt down as she rested on her side and saw that her eyes were still open as she clutched at her chest, wheezing really hard.

Determination was still on her face, she was trying to breathe through this but the way she fell and the sweat drenching every part of her told me this was bigger than her.

And right then, I felt grateful for being the mother of a kid with asthma.

I dug into my shoulder bag and found one of Beth's emergency inhalers and then ran back to her.

Her eyes were bouncing all over the place and her lips were becoming darker. I shook the inhaler before shoving it between her lips.

_"Breathe in."_ I instructed.

Her glassy eyes looked up at me and I tried smiling as I pushed the top, forcing air into her lungs.

She took a shaky breath in as I pressed the pump again a second time.

My hands shook as I knelt there, waiting for her to take a bigger breath but they remained shallow.

I watched her eyes close, her hands still on her chest as she rolled from her side to her back.

_"Thank you."_ She whispered, reaching a shaky hand towards me. Her clammy hand gripping my wrist. _"Give me five minutes and we...can go again."_ She said, her words coming out in short bursts.

_"Oh no...you're done for the day. I'll give you five minutes to catch your breath and then I'm taking you back to your dorm."_

_"No."_

_"Yes. This isn't a choice. You need to take it easy. Here drink this." _I demanded shoving her water bottle into her hand._  
_

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

I was in a piss poor mood.

Not only was I NOT going to be playing basketball in the the foreseen future but I was stuck in a hospital room for at least the next few days.

Even from Lima, my father was pulling some serious strings until he could get to Philly sometime tomorrow.

I didn't think it was a big deal when I had to stop a few times on the way back to my dorm room...I mean, shit, it WAS far from the gym.

Which was my excuse to Quinn when she stopped us halfway there and waved down a cab because she wasn't taking any chances.

So we ended up at HUP in the Emergency Room and they admitted me within an hour because of a stupid chest x-ray.

Whoop ti fucking doo!

_"What time does Beth get out of school?"_ I asked, taking the mask off of my face for a moment. Quinn glared at me and reached over, pushing the mask back on.

_"Same as every day, Three fifteen. She has drama club after school today, so Jake is going to pick her up."_ I reached for the mask but she shook her head. _"Leave it on, please?"_

_"Beth?"_ I asked through the mask...and I gave her my saddest eyes.

_"What? You want me to bring her here?"_

I nodded and she gave me a soft, sad smile. _"You know I can't do that, S. The doctors said that you could be contagious and she's got asthma. I don't want to risk having her in here and getting sick too."_

I suddenly felt tears slide down my face and closed my eyes because I just didn't have the energy to wipe them away.

This whole thing definitely sucked.

* * *

I was in and out of sleep, waking up when I felt close to drowning, my chest on fire. Each time there was always a doctor or two standing over me talking in hushed whispers.

There was a lot of poking, prodding, and a very cold chest x-ray by the time the night was through.

But through it all, each time I had to leave my room for some test or another, Quinn was always there when I returned, her nose in a book like this was a normal thing we did.

When I got back from the last test, it was past visiting hours but she was sitting on a cot, ready to stand vigil for the entire night.

Papi had definitely thrown his weight around.

It made me feel loved...cared for and a bit selfish.

But I already knew that there was no point arguing with her, which was great because I barely had the energy to blink.

How did I think I could just go lay in my dorm and sleep this off?

Clearly this was more than just an asthma attack.

And the fact that I couldn't see Beth, well that just about made me feel like the worst person alive.

Quinn though, is doing her best to be my pillar and I could not be more grateful to have a woman like her in my corner.

Even in this fucked up situation, I felt incredibly blessed.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

_"Hola, mi'ja. How are you?"_ Antonio said as he came into the room with a cup in one hand and Santana's chart in the other. _"The doctors said you've been here all night, I thought you might be in need of some coffee."_

_"I'd marry her just to have you as my new dad! Thank you!"_ I said, taking the coffee and offering up my cheek to kiss._ "Bendicion."_

He looked at me in surprise and then smiled.

_"I can't wait for the day I get to officially call you my daughter, Quinn. In the mean time...let's talk about what happened."_

I looked over at Santana who was sleeping heavily, a mask still on her face and dark circles under her eyes.

It's hard to believe this was the same person who had excitedly dragged me to the gym to run drills with her less than 24 hours ago.

She'd barely slept all night, when she wasn't being awakened by doctors every few hours...hacking coughs were the cause.

_"Let's talk in the hall, she is finally asleep. I don't want to wake her up just yet."_

He nodded and we headed into the deserted hallway.

Maribel was standing there talking to Santana's doctor, her face puffy and her eyes bloodshot but her back was straight and her expression was firm.

She was trying to hold it together the best way she knew how...interrogating people.

* * *

I replayed the whole afternoon back to Antonio and Maribel, along with Santana's doctor and then they asked me the heavy question that I didn't want to think about.

Because I wanted to believe in her and I WOULD unless I was proved wrong.

_"Do you have any knowledge of a relapse?"_

I shook my head and resisted the urge to hide my face behind my coffee cup.

Both of her parents were looking to me for assurance that she was still clean and it felt like too heavy a pressure on my shoulders.

I'd spent nearly every day with her for weeks and she was clean as far as I knew.

_"She's been clean. She just hasn't worked out in a very long time and I think she underestimated the effect the drugs had on her system."_ I explained to them, refusing to believe anything else. _"Besides, it stays in your system for days. I know you guys took blood. It was clean, right?"_ I asked the doctor, trying to hide the trace of doubt that was lingering in the back of my mind.

_"It was and when you listed her previous drug use on her intake form, we were careful not to give her too many narcotics."_

_"Good."_ I said and then smiled at them and nodded towards the room. _"I need get my things, I've got class in an hour and I have to check in on Beth."_

_"I'm sure she's been honest with you, Quinn."_ Maribel said acknowledging that moment of doubt I had but seeming to be on my side of things.

We were going to believe in Santana until we were given a reason not to.

* * *

**_Two Days Later..._**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

The last few days have been fuzzy but I'm finally starting to feel like I'm coming out of this thing and it seems that the interrogation squad has just been waiting for me to be coherent to drill me with questions...some more agitating than others.

**First up...my mother.**

_"You look better, how do you feel?"_

_"Okay."_ I rasped, my voice sounding hoarse after two days of being radio silent.

_"Do you need anything?"_

_"No."_

_"It's your birthday tomorrow, do you want a cake?"_

_"No."_

_"Okay, well, rest up, mi'ja. you're almost out of the woods. Te amo."_

I smiled at her and then closed my eyes, as a dizzy spell hit me.

Talking had been too much already but I knew that Mami's questions wouldn't be the only ones.

* * *

I'd fallen asleep without the mask on but when I woke up again, it was back on and there was a fresh IV.

Happy Birthday to me.

But then I looked to my right and there on the window was a teddy bear with a birthday balloon attached to it.

It was the most birthday thing I had experienced yet and it made me feel like crying but I refused to cry today, even if I was connected to a bunch of tubes.

**Second...Beth.**

My eyes were drifting closed when I heard her voice. I couldn't really move but thankfully that wasn't necessary because Quinn came closer to the bed with the phone on speaker.

I hadn't even known she was there but it made my heart beat faster...the machines told me so.

_"She can't talk sweets but she's awake and she can hear you."_

_"Santana?"_ Her voice squeaked._ "I miss you so much. Did you see the teddy bear I picked out for you? I named him Wheezy."_ I looked at Quinn and could see the amusement on her face...hopefully it mirrored my own beneath the mask.

_"She's smiling, Sweets. I think she loves it." _

_"Good, now, I'm a pro at breathing problems. So if you ever feel dizzy or like your chest is on fire. Stop moving and breathe slow. Okay?"_

I was still smiling as I nodded my head...my eyes feeling heavy.

_"She nodded, Sweets...she's getting droopy so go ahead and say your goodbye."_

_"Oh, okay! Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Santana, I love you! Feel better. Mama, kiss her for me okay?"_

_"Okay, honey. Behave for uncle Jake and I'll see you in the morning."_

_"I love you, Mama!"_

_"Love you too."_

For the first time in days, I drifted off to sleep with happiness in my heart and a smile on my face.

Beth makes everything better.

* * *

I woke up to every single nerve ending in my body feeling like it was literally on fire and all I could do was moan in pain.

_"San? Babe, calm down...you're going to make yourself sicker."_ Quinn said, shuffling papers from her lap so that she could move closer to me.

My eyes were wide open and it felt like a pipe was down my throat.

I couldn't see her because moving my head proved impossible and it made me more agitated.

But then she came into my line of sight and her hands were on my face...cooling the burning in my cheeks.

_"I'm going to page the doctor...just breathe, baby."_ She said, her eyes full of concern.

The sound of the alarm for the nurse shoved metal spikes through my ears.

**Third...the doctors from hell unfortunately...I couldn't quite understand a thing!**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

One minute she was with me and the next she was having a seizure and I was rushed out of the room.

Maribel and Antonio were out with Beth having lunch at the chocolate restaurant in celebration of Santana's birthday, at Santana's request.

But now, that was going to have to change because while I had been allowed to stay with Santana at all hours of day or night, I still wasn't next of kin and so once I was in that hallway, they wouldn't talk to me about what was going on or let me back inside.

It was terrifying and eye opening, I didn't want to not be able to see her...help her or make decisions for her when she couldn't.

Although I had agreed to wait for her sober six months to make this official, I now wasn't sure how much longer I would want to wait to marry her.

Suddenly, her needing to be married to Brittany seemingly out of no where, made sense to me.

When you know...you know and in that moment, I knew that beyond the shadow of a doubt, I wanted to make her my wife sooner rather than later.

And with that revelation in mind, I called Antonio, feeling slightly calmer than I had been a moment before.

_"Quinn? Is everything alright?"_

_"I need you to get back here as soon as you can. She just...I think it was seizure."_

_"I'm on my way. Stay there, okay?"_

_"I plan on it. Hurry back."_

* * *

The doctors kept going into the room and then coming out and walking right by me.

I could hear her machines blaring every few minutes or so and they'd go running back in there but not once did anyone stop to tell me a fucking thing.

It was ridiculous and unfair.

But once Antonio showed up, he kissed my head, told me that Maribel stayed with Beth and then grabbed my hand, pulling me right into that room with him.

The doctors didn't even flinch the moment that we entered, they just continued their work to stabilize Santana.

Santana's bed was sitting up, her eyes wide as she stared around the room, not really focusing on one thing.

She looked surprised as she looked at the doctors, no doubt feeling uncertain of just what was going on and seeing her like that made me feel helpless and unhinged.

_"Make them talk...what the hell is going on."_ I growled...probably louder than I should have but it seemed to do the trick because now, she was looking right at me, looking satisfied that I asked what she wanted to ask.

The mask was obscuring her face but her eyes said more than any words could in that moment.

She was scared.

It was her birthday and here she was, in a hospital instead of celebrating.

_"Have a seat, mi'ja. No need to have you both end up in here."_ Antonio said with a reassuring pat to my shoulder before walking over to the doctors.

It was like night and day, the way the doctors opened up to him.

She had a Non-cardiogenic Pulmonary edema.

One of her lungs had nearly collapsed and the other was full of fluid.

If she hadn't come in after collapsing on the court, she would have died in a matter of hours.

And just thinking of a world without Santana in it, broke my heart.

* * *

**NOVEMBER**

* * *

**~~~Right About Thanksgiving~~~**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

I was livid.

My first week back in classes and everyone was treating me with kid gloves.

Professors were talking to me nicer, making my class work optional and my home assignments easier.

And none of them wanted to tell me what the hell was going on.

So I had gone to Carla about it and she told me that the only person that could sway my professors into going easy on me was my student adviser and so I stormed into her office the first moment that there was a break in my day.

_"Who the hell do you think you are speaking on my behalf?"_ I asked her as I pushed her office door open, allowing it to slam on the wall behind it.

She sat there doe eyed and then gestured to a chair in front of her desk.

_"Santana! So good to see you. You have some things on your mind, I see. Close the door, come sit down.. Let's talk."_

_"Fine."_ I slammed her door closed and slid into the seat, glaring._ "Talk."_

_"You missed two weeks of classes due to being in the hospital and I took the lead and spoke to your professors so you wouldn't come back overwhelmed."_

_"Without talking to me first?"_

_"Yes and you'll find that you are also excused from your midterms."_

_"I don't want to be excused from my fucking midterms!" _I snarled and she just kept her face calm...obviously used to this behavior from people. Her face was so punchable right then.

My student adviser, Melissa, is new to Drexel and because I transferred in mid year last year, I was assigned to her roster because she was the only one with openings.

I think she's out of her league and shouldn't be advising anyone to do anything but alas, I'm stuck with her because I hadn't thought to request a new one before the semester started.

_"I'm not going to skip my tests. I only have three academic classes and the other four are all music or production related. So I only have to sit three tests and I'm going to take them."_

_"That's your prerogative but know that most students would just take the boon that is offered to them Santana, nobody's asking you to prove that you belong here."_

_"Well I'm not most students. I don't care about proving myself to other people. I'm doing this for me. If I fail the tests then I will deal with the consequences but that's my decision to make and if I feel like fucking proving myself, whether it be personal or otherwise, that's my business." _I snapped.

I felt a twinge of pain in my chest and sat back, taking deep breaths and told myself to relax, passing out in front of this woman was not going to help my case.

My lungs were still healing, I was just out of the danger zone and here I was getting myself worked up.

Over bullshit.

_"Okay, Ms. Lopez, I will inform your professors to disregard my note to excuse you from midterms...will that be all?"_

_"Thank you. Is there anything else you did that I need to clean up?"_

She shook her head and I nodded to her, smiling my nicest smile and left.

* * *

Despite the patronizing behavior from my professors and everyone else that knew about my getting sick, I passed my midterms with flying colors.

And I made sure that my test was the same one that they gave to everyone else, because fuck them for thinking I needed a break.

Thankfully, I only caught one trying to cut me a break and I chewed him out as he handed me the real exam.

Yes, I had been in the hospital, Yes, I had nearly died but I didn't want to feel like an invalid.

I was after all, no ordinary student.

Most of the kids in my classes are straight out of high school, looking to slack off any chance that they could but I was a grown woman,

I'd been divorced, on and off drugs, and had sung on motherfucking Broadway...there was nothing I couldn't handle.

So far.

* * *

I was taking a nap in my dorm room when my father's ringtone sounded on my phone, waking me from a much needed rest before my shift at the radio station.

_"Yes? Bendicion. I'm sleeping."_ I mumbled into the phone, with the blanket over my head and my eyes still closed.

_"Dios te bendiga, Tata. How are you feeling?"_

_"I'm okay, Papi."_

_"Are you taking it easy?"_

I chuckled dryly but didn't dare lie to him because somehow he'd know.

_"Not a chance. I'll rest when I come home for Thanksgiving...in the meantime, I am making sure that I don't fall behind."_

_"And when will you be coming home?"_

_"Quinn's driving to Maryland right now to go get Vanessa and Rachel should be getting here any minute, then we will get on the road obscenely early tomorrow morning."_

_"So tomorrow night, sometime?"_

_"Yup."_

_"Good. How are you doing on your medicine?"_

_"Okay. I'll let you give me the full check up when I get there. Promise."_

_"Good. So I have to ask you something important."_

_"Now?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Okay...shoot."_

_"I'd like your blessing...I want to propose to your mother...today."_

My eyes shot open and I sat up, my roommate yelped, probably because I looked like a mummy but I was too focused on Papi to apologize for scaring her.

_"You're serious?"_

_"Absolutely, I'm looking at the ring right this second."_

_"Send me a picture."_

_"Now?"_

_"Yes."_ I put the phone to my chest and smiled at Gina._ "Sorry for scaring you, my dad is proposing to my mom and is about to send me a pic."_

She just smiled and rushed over. _"I wanna see."_

The picture came through and I just stared at it for a long time. Gina did too. _"Wow."_

I put the phone on speaker. _"Papi, where did you even find a ring like that in Lima?"_

_"I had it made by a jeweler friend in New York and it arrived this morning. So...what do you say? Can I propose?"_

_"Hell yes! There's no way she would say no, Mr. Lopez."_ Gina said to my father before going back to her side of the room.

He was chuckling. _"Thanks Gina."_

_"Well, You heard the roommate, Papi. Go get yourself a wife!"_

We both laughed as we ended the call and I went right back to sleep, feeling way happier and more hopeful than I had all day long.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

_"Where's Santana?"_ Rachel asked as we walked to Beth's school, having left a heavily pregnant Vanessa back at my apartment to continue the nap she started in the car because even though she was eight months pregnant, she'd been putting her all into school.

_"She should be just getting to work, we won't see her until morning. She gets off around 2 or 3 and will probably just go back to her dorm and sleep until we pick her up."_

_"Oh. I was hoping to see her sooner. Why didn't she just take off? I'm sure they would have agreed given that she's only been out of the hospital for a week."_

_"Get that kind of talk out of your system right now, Rachel. Santana is feeling very sensitive about the whole thing and doesn't want any one to think that she can't be the same determined, pain in the ass that she's always been."_

_"Why haven't you stepped in, surely you of all people could convince her to take it easy?"_

I couldn't help but laugh at that one.

_"Rachel, second to maybe you...sometimes, Santana is the most ambitious person that I know and what she wants, she gets. There is no way I'm stepping in front of that moving train. I think that so far...she's going as fast as she can without breaking down but her lungs giving out like that has scared her just enough to make her more aware."_

_"You're sure about that?"_

_"I am and don't you worry, the moment that we are back in Lima, her parents are going to do everything they can to make sure she is coddled and safe. So right now, she needs this."_

_"If you say so."_

_"I do say so...I'm asking you, please, don't even suggest that she take it easy."_

_"I give you my word."_

* * *

Despite being endlessly tired, Vanessa insisted on going to the Nar-Anon meeting with us and I was pleasantly surprised to see Rachel get up and talk to the group about Finn._  
_

She talked about seeing him go from being chubby, shy, and very much aloof to becoming ambitious, smarter, and very frail.

And how these meetings had helped her to stop blaming herself for his addiction, she spoke from a place of hope and understanding.

It made me respect her more than ever and it made Beth cry.

_"Finn died from drugs?"_ She said once we were outside. _"That's sad...Mama and I want to keep Santana alive."_

Rachel looked at me in surprise that Beth even knew who Finn was.

_"Shelby played all of our old videos for her, so she kind of knows the whole glee club even if she's never met them and as you know Finn was unquestionably the lead singer way too many times."_

Rachel rolled her eyes and then wrapped an arm around Beth.

_"We'll save her...don't worry okay. I think now that we know the signs...Santana will live a very long life."_

_"I know. She promised me that she would fix things and make everything right."_

* * *

Late that night, after dinner and lots of girl talk, I was curled up on the edge of the bed while Beth took over most of the other side and the middle...somehow at the same time.

My head was full of worries, mainly among them was how valid Rachel's words about Santana needing to slow down just might be.

I've barely seen her for more than a few hours since she's been back on her feet and I've been giving her space to do what she feels is necessary but I was incredibly grateful that now she was being forced to take a break.

And she wasn't alone in working too hard. I had one semester left until graduation, I was teaching two classes and I had a full course load, on top of being a single parent.

My cup was running over and I was about to become a parent double time in a matter of months...this trip back home was probably the last respite that I would get for quite some time.

So I really couldn't be the one to tell Santana to slow down when I wasn't even close to taking that advice myself.

My bedroom door cracked open and I just laid there, waiting for Vanessa or Rachel to_ "wake me up"._

But the door closed and then keys and a phone were laid on the nightstand across from me and there she was.

Her hair hanging loose and her face looking worn.

_"You're awake?"_ She said once she saw me staring, her face lighting up with that killer smile.

_"Who could sleep?_" I said, gesturing towards Beth. _"The kid takes up a time zone all on her own."_

She smiled even bigger when she pulled the sheet back to see that Beth had indeed taken up most of the bed.

_"I got this."_ She whispered with all the confidence in the world and a sly grin on her face.

* * *

Santana is way too smooth and knows how to play the fact that she is Beth's literal best friend to her advantage very well because she just leaned over and whispered in her ear...and when Beth opened her bleary eyes for half a second to see Santana, she moved to the middle of the bed, leaving just enough room for Santana before passing out again.

_"That's a gift!"_ I said, as I moved in closer to Beth and away from the edge._ "You deserve an reward for that."_

_"This is my reward, being here with you two is all that I need. I didn't even go to work...I just finished up my online midterm and came straight here. Is that okay?"_ She asked once she was settled under the covers.

Beth sighed happily and casually threw an arm over Santana's waist.

Santana returned the gesture and then kissed Beth's head.

It made me feel like we were starting to become a real family...Santana was the missing piece and soon enough I would make her completely mine.

_"That's more than okay. I wish that you were here like this every day, forever and always."_

_"Honestly, Q...I think that I'm finally ready to be here with you, forever."_

_"Move in with us then." _I said, taking a bold move...a move that I had tried to make happen year before and failed miserably at.

She smiled softly at me and then whispered in Beth's ear again.

Beth raised her head, looked at me and then back at Santana.

_"Are you going to move in?" _She asked Santana, her eyes barely open.

_"Yeah kiddo...I think am."_

_"Goody...now go to sleep already."_ She mumbled before dropping her head back down and continuing to snore.

_"Well that settles it then, welcome home."_

* * *

_**A/N: Seeing the light at the end...it's coming...soon...soon...JoJo...I tried. This was as light as I could fucking go. Chicas review...I need some encouragement to make it to the end. Errors later. **  
_


	54. Chapter 54:Honesty

**A/N: I'm really hoping the chapter isn't too disjointed and if it is, I hope you'll find it in your hearts to forgive me. Enjoy!**

* * *

**Honesty (Billy Joel)**

* * *

**NOVEMBER**

**THANKSGIVING MORNING**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

I'd barely slept, even though I really wanted to.

Even though my eyes were closed and my breathing slowed, I was in that state of sleep that is more of hovering than dreaming.

I was hyper aware of Quinn's every movement, even with Beth laying between us.

And then there was the little body that decided to wedge itself against my side and not move for the rest of the night.

My mind was thinking over what came next and it was terrifying.

Just being able to be in that bed with the two most beautiful girls in the world, was a blessing...let alone moving in here and becoming a more permanent part of their lives.

But what if I fucked up again?

I am an addict.

That won't change because addicts fail.

Relapse is ALWAYS possible and its one thing for Quinn to kick me out after a fuck up and I have some place to go but if I LIVE HERE...there is nowhere else to go.

And that is terrifying.

We've been dancing around this relationship for years now and moving in would make it REAL.

Tangible and that was really fucking with me.

* * *

I was still lingering just outside of sleep when the body dislodged itself from my side and disappeared, given me the opportunity to flop onto my stomach so that I could at least be more comfortable.

My face was turned towards Quinn and I thought, since I couldn't sleep anymore...at least I could look at something beautiful.

And it seems that she was thinking the same thing, because when I finally opened my eyes...hers were looking right back at me and a soft smile was on her lips.

Even after all this time, she still takes my fucking breath away.

_"Hey."_ She whispered...her soft smile, spreading into a smile. _"You look like shit."_

_"Thanks...you don't."_ I said...feeling my eyebrows cinch up and my scowl take over my face...because...RUDE.

_"Don't get upset, you just look tired. You couldn't sleep?"_

_"Not really."_

She scooted closer to me until she was able to touch me better. Her hand dipped under my shirt and began to trace up and down my back.

I closed my eyes and fought the urge to moan because Beth would be back from the bathroom any minute.

_"The last time we were in this bed together...you soaked my sheets...right in this very spot."_ She growled lowly and this time the low moan that escaped my lips wasn't something I could hold back.

How did she go from literal ray of sunshine one minute to teasing vixen the next?

I opened my eyes and she had her eyebrow raised and was biting her bottom lip...waiting for...something...

Only...I wasn't sure what that was and so instead I blurted out the very first thing that came to mind.

_"I can't move in with you."_

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

I had gotten my hopes up...way, way up and in six little words...she snatched me back down to Earth.

_"Oh."_

She looked ready to explain but she wasn't given the chance to wreck my heart even further.

Beth came running out of the bathroom with a big grin._ "YOU'RE AWAKE!" _She chirped, way happier than her usual grumpy morning face...which snatched my low and made me fall lower.

_"You want to tell her or should I?"_ I said, looking at Santana and her eyes went wide with the realization that my hopes weren't the only ones she had to break today.

Beth jumped up on the bed, throwing herself over Santana's back so that she could kiss my cheek before then kissing Santana's.

_"Tell me what?"_ Beth looked at me skeptically and then at her new pillow. _"Did Santana change her mind?"_

Beth looked disappointed but it seemed she was holding back from saying so out loud.

_"She did, Sweets."_

_"Oh. Well, that's okay. As long as you don't disappear again."_ She said, becoming chipper again before bouncing off of Santana and sliding from the bed._ "I'm going to go get cereal and get dressed."_

And just like that, she left the room, like this wasn't a big deal to her.

* * *

The look on Santana's face seemed content as she sat up and watched Beth leave. I got up from the bed and tried my best to swallow the attitude that I felt brewing because, I know Beth better...I know that she needed to get away, lick her wounds because she's very much ME and I would have to deal with the fallout of this, by myself, like always.

I needed to separate myself from Santana right then before I said something harsh but before I could shut myself into the bathroom she stopped me dead in my tracks.

_"You didn't have to speak for me, Q. You made an uncomfortable conversation, worse."_ She said, sounding just aggravated as I felt.

And so instead of letting this burn off in the shower and addressing it when I wasn't so upset, I responded...

_"It had to be said and I didn't want you to string her along, since that's what you're so good at."_

_"I wouldn't dare string her along and fuck you, for thinking that I would!"_ She snapped back at me, standing up from the bed now and glaring at me and I should have been angry...I should have snapped back but it was all too much.

_"I wish you would fuck me then maybe you'd remember just what you're giving up by not moving in."_ I growled at her and then spun around like a diva and stormed into the bathroom, slamming the door.

I rested back against it and tried to push down the urge to scream...this for me really did boil down to wanting to be closer to her and feeling her pulling away.

I felt a thump against the door and then her whispering.

_"I want to fuck you, Q...you have no idea how much."_

And that's how I ended up with my hand sliding down into my panties and asking,

_"Oh yeah? Prove it." _

_"Prove it?"_ She squeaked.

_"Tell me how you'd fuck me."_

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

_"I want to taste you on my lips, Q."_

_"Yea?" _She grunted.

_"I want to spread your legs wide and taste every drop of you until the only thing you can manage to call me is God." _

_"Fuck. I want you so bad...so...fucking bad...shit!" _Her head thudded against the door and I could only imagine her fingers dancing in the wetness that I wouldn't get to taste or touch for a very long time yet. It was torture, knowing what she was doing and not being able to take over. I hadn't earned that kind of reward just yet...it hadn't even been six months yet.

_"Me too, Q." _I knew that my tone was half-hearted but with the sounds she was making, I don't think she even noticed.

My face was pressed against the door as I listened to her panting and fought the need to rub one out right along with her.

I was even denying myself THAT luxury, that's how serious I was about no sex...this though...was out of my hands, literally.

_"What cha doing?"_ Came a voice from just behind me.

I froze as I pulled away from the door and turned towards Beth.

Her hair was brushed and she was dressed, with Vanessa and Rachel in the doorway just behind her.

_"I heard a door slam, is everything alright?"_ Rachel said, her eyes wide as she looked past me to the bathroom door.

_"Are you two fighting because I can go back to sleep."_ Vanessa chimed in.

_"Why'd you have your face to the door like that? Is Mama okay?"_ Beth asked, coming closer.

Just as I was about to say something, I heard the shower go on and felt relieved...no need to lie to a kid...or nosy ass Rachel.

_"We were talking, she's in the shower now so, no going back to sleep. Rachel, could you make sure all the windows are locked and Vanessa, pee. We are going to try to not stop as soon as we get on the road."_

After effectively distracting the three of them with directions to be everywhere but here in this room, I shut the bedroom door and threw caution to the wind.

I knew she was feeling some type of way that I'd said I wasn't moving in and I didn't want that to become something bigger than it actually was.

* * *

Quinn had left the bathroom door open and I was endlessly grateful, as I stripped off my clothes and lingered for a moment outside of the shower and listened to her singing to herself...the rasp in her voice seeming even more enticing.

I hadn't even tried to be quiet as I made my way under the hot spray of water but with the way she was plastered to the back of the shower, her hand moving rapidly between her legs as her head rested back against the wall and her eyes remained closed tightly.

The humming was more of a chant now that I was only a few inches away from her.

_"Fuck, fuck, fuck...shit...fuck...San..."_ She kept moaning over and over...looking like a fallen angel.

I moved in closer, putting my hands on her cheeks and waiting for her eyes to spring open...the green had gold starbursts in them...she was so beautiful.

_"Don't stop."_ I whispered before leaning in further and capturing her lips as she continued to touch herself. I could feel her chest against mine, our passion boiling over as her knuckles grazed the wetness that was dripping between my own legs. I pulled my hips back but kept kissing her.

She pulled back and her eyes were searching mine, hers looking big and vulnerable and so I smiled at her.

_"This is why...I need more time because if I have to live with you being so hot and sexy every moment of every day...I won't last."_ I whispered between the kisses that I was now trailing down her lip and against her shoulder.

_"I know, love...I know...fuck!"_ She groaned as I nibbled on her neck.

Her hand came around my head as I kissed her, her hand still moving as she stopped chanting and began panting as she got closer and closer to her release.

My fingers were gliding up and down her sides...moving from her hips to the sides of her breasts and back down again.

I could tell that she was using the frustration that I was building up and increasing the speed of her motions.

_"Are you close?"_ I whispered against her ear, moving my hands over her hips again, holding her steady. _"Open your eyes."_ I asked as her body began to shake.

She looked at me, her eyes full of so many emotions as her mouth hung open in a loose smile as she reached ecstasy.

_"Fuck."_ She whispered as her hand slowed to a stop.

My thumbs massaged her hips and she gave me a soft smile, her hands coming up to my face before she pulled me closer until our bodies were molded together and our lips were fighting for dominance.

We were lost in the moment, too caught up in each other to remember the world outside that bathroom.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

There was a banging on the door for only a moment before I heard the lock being picked.

_"I'm coming in!"_ Vanessa shouted before the lock popped open.

_"Are you fucking kidding me?"_ Santana groaned as she continued to keep me pressed against the wall.

_"Rachel took Beth to the store for snacks...I need you two to get the fuck out the shower and get dressed, please. I know you are both grown and sexy but can you not have hot sex marathons right now? I'd really like to get on the road already or I'm going back to bed!"_

_"Sorry V."_ I mumbled and then the curtain opened and Santana shrieked before burying her face in my neck.

_"What the fuck?!"_ She yelled this time and Vanessa started laughing.

_"Woot woot...look at you two."_ Vanessa catcalled, winking at me before leaning in and smacking Santana's ass._ "Did I ruin the mood now?"_

Santana was glaring as she lifted her head and looked at me.

_"She's so lucky she's pregnant."_

_"Right...you know you're not the slightest bit intimidating when you're ass has my red hand print on it. Now...I'm giving you two five minutes before I storm back in here and the next time...I'm bringing my phone with one of your mother's on it!"_ Vanessa said before turning around and storming out of the bathroom, leaving the door and the shower curtain wide open.

* * *

I had the first shift on the road, Santana sat next to me, refusing to be in the back seat of her own car but I knew that would change once Rachel was driving.

She kept shifting in her seat and it wasn't until the first rest stop two hours in that she admitted that Vanessa's slap had hurt more than she had let on.

_"Aww...you poor thing, do you want me to rub it for you?"_ I teased as she got in the car after pumping gas. Vanessa and Rachel were inside using the bathroom, leaving me to have a moment to actually talk to Santana about things.

_"No."_ She grumbled as she scrolled through her phone.

_"Will you ever want to live with me?"_ I asked as I pulled up in front of the Rest Stop building.

She put her phone down and looked at me with a smirk.

_"Of course. At some point."_

And that's when a light bulb went off.

_"So...crazy question, say we got married before your two years was up...would we have to wait to have our honeymoon?"_

She rolled her eyes at me and shrugged.

_"I guess...if we got married...I'd consider shortening my vow of celibacy but since I'm not proposing anytime soon...you should just get that idea out of your head now. Besides right about now...after the way my last marriage ended, I'd like to take my time before you and I even think about marriage. I need to live my best life...I need to be sober and healthy...I need to graduate. We don't need to be married to be together."_

_"So you don't want to marry me?"_

She wasn't looking at me anymore...her eyes were back on her phone as she said the words that I DID NOT want to hear, especially after this morning.

_"Not anytime soon, shit, look at my parents. It's taken them twenty plus years to get to this point. I need time. I thought you understood that?"_

It was a blow to my ego but I just nodded and chose not to say another word about it.

Obviously we weren't on the same page.

Good to know, I guess.

_"I do."_ I laughed dryly at the irony of my words...but she didn't even acknowledge it.

Which said more than to me than she ever could.

* * *

**DECEMBER**

**THE FRIDAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

It was insane to me that just a few days ago I had been in Philly, going to classes...working and living my new life just like I had been for months on end...happily and now...I'm back in Queens.

Back in my apartment complex but two floors up in a three bedroom apartment with an even better view and mostly brand new furniture.

My parents had just about purchased this apartment and were expecting to spend an eventful Christmas here and I was supposed to be here when they got here to explain just how my relationship with Quinn had completely in the four weeks since I had seen them last.

But I honestly, wasn't even sure what to say.

From the moment that I told her that I wasn't moving in, she'd had up a wall between us that only seemed to go higher as the road trip to Lima went on and then she went and decided that she and Beth wouldn't be riding back home with us...leaving me to ride back to Philly with a hormonal pregnant woman who couldn't fly and Rachel fucking Berry.

After that, she avoided me when she could and when she couldn't...like when I came to hang out with Beth, she spent the entire time buried in her work and barely spoke to me.

It seemed that she was taking my stand against cohabiting as a personal insult and wasn't over it yet.

So much so, that she was on a plane to Texas with Beth, instead of spending Christmas in New York like we had planned.

How she got Beth to go against the tradition of being in New York, like Shelby had started, I've yet to understand but she has and there is nothing I can do about it.

And so now...I was sitting on the cold patio, staring at the freezing ocean, resisting every single urge to find some other thing...some specific thing to keep me occupied.

It felt like I was fighting a losing battle but it seemed that God had another plan.

* * *

I was headed back inside the apartment, my fingers feeling numb and my entire body aching for just a small hit.

The darkness was slowly swallowing me whole and I was insanely close to falling off the wagon and not even the idea of my parents showing up the next morning and finding me strung out was stopping me from making my way out of that apartment.

As I was locking the door, my phone rang and just on instinct I answered it.

_"Santana?!"_ A frantic voice bellowed into my ear.

_"Uh...yeah?"_ I said, pulling the phone away to actually look at the caller id...but the number wasn't in my phone. _"Who is this?"_

_"Vanessa. I need...I'm in labor. Where's Quinn?_" She said, swallowing back a moan.

_"Uh...what? You're not due for another month!"_ I said...standing frozen outside the apartment door, my cravings taking a backseat to my panic.

_"Where's Quinn?"_ She snapped at me and I realized that she'd called me because Quinn wasn't answering.

_"She's on a plane...headed to Texas, I'm in New York._" I sputtered.

_"Great! Can you come? My parents don't want to go with me, they don't want to get attached to the baby. Please?"_

_"Where are you? In Jersey?"_

_"...fuck...YES!" _

_"Contraction?"_

_"Yes. I'm on my way to the hospital in an uber. I'll text the address...please?"_

_"Okay, just breathe...I'm on my way!"_

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

After she had shut me down about marriage...essentially making me feel like after Brittany, marriage wasn't something to walk in lightly...as if all we've been through is something to be taken lightly..._  
_

I essentially backed off and then to make matters worse, she mooned over her parents when they got engaged as if it was the best thing in the world.

You'd think if the next person on the street proposed right then she would have said yes but then she went along and didn't fight me on staying in Lima longer.

In fact, she seemed happy to be rid of me and every time I've backed away...she's never chased me.

Never fought me on it and so the wall between us was just getting bigger and I hated it so much.

So much, in fact, that I had Vincent and Lydia help me to convince Beth to spend Christmas in Laredo, instead of New York and it didn't really even take much convincing but then I had the layover in Dallas and fifteen calls from Santana.

Each one followed by a voicemail.

And I chose not to run for the next flight so that I could check the messages...because I KNEW that it had to be an emergency.

I'd been a bitch, why would she want to talk to me otherwise, we'd made such a big deal about her six months sober and I was intentionally missing it.

But she had called...endlessly and I was terrified to call her back but that wasn't going to be a problem because call eighteen came just as we made it to the terminal for our connecting flight.

Beth was walking beside me, people watching and squeezing my hand when she saw someone interesting and in Dallas...there was an overload of interesting.

* * *

_"San?"_ I answered immediately.

_"Where are you?"_

_"Dallas, about to catch my connecting flight. What's wrong?"_

_"I'm in Saddle River...Vanessa had the baby."_

_"Wait...what?"_ I said, dropping Beth's hand and falling down into the closest seat.

Beth was eyeing me, waiting for whatever news I had just gotten. She looked worried and I wondered if this was the look on her face when Shelby died.

_"She called me when she couldn't get in contact with you, I rushed here but she'd already begun to push...I made it just in time to hold her hand...frankly, it's a miracle they even let me in the room."_

_"You were there?"_ I whispered and now Beth was hovering even closer to me. _"Is everything okay...is the baby okay?"_

And then Beth was waving wildly at me.

_"The baby?"_ She whimpered...afraid of what this could be and I had to put her out of her misery._ "Mama?"_

_"He's here, Sweets. Your brother."_ I said, feeling the overwhelming sadness of not being around for the birth of my son...all because I was being spiteful.

_"We have to go back!"_ Beth said, looking frantic.

_"Is he okay, Santana?"_

_"They have him in an incubator under the lights...but he's fine."_

_"And Vanessa?"_

_"She's okay...she was a bit shaken up but once I got her some food, she seemed okay. She wants you to get here as soon as possible...and so do I."_

_"You do?"_

_"Seeing him born...holding him, Quinn what are we doing? Why are we wasting time like this because if I'm being honest, I don't want to wait anymore. I want this family, I want you forever. Get here so we can stop fucking around, get here so you can meet our son."_

_"Our son..."_ I whispered...thinking of how right that sounded. _"Tell me you won't change your mind by the time I get there?"_

_"I'll be here, waiting for you, just as sure that I want you to be my wife, so get here."_

_"Okay."_

_"Okay. I love you, Luce."_

_"I love you too."_

* * *

_**A/N: This has been the hardest bit of time for me and so keep sending that encouragement because the closer I get to the end...the harder its getting. I missed you chicas! How are you? How was the chapter? Terrible? Good? Review and tell me so. Also...errors later.**  
_


	55. Chapter 55:Joy Inside My Tears

**Joy Inside My Tears (Stevie Wonder)**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV  
**

* * *

**_***Flashback...cuz this is the good stuff but we need to keep this thing moving ;)***_**

* * *

_I was pacing the waiting room near the neonatal unit...having worn out my welcome in Vanessa's room because she was feeling way too much at once and we weren't close like that. **  
**_

_Quinn was going to be here any millisecond and I needed to be there...I needed to see her right away before I lost the nerve._

_I was planning on proposing the first moment that I could, even if it was with no ring and no plan of the after but even still, it felt right and so I tried to ignore that this was the second time that I was proposing and the second girl that I was proposing to in under two years. _

_Brittany had asked me to wait a year after our divorce was finalized but here I was less than six months later, ready to completely scrap the promise I had made to her, because...this was Quinn._

_That was all the reason that I needed. _

_The love of my life...not my first but definitely my last...she hung my moon and stars._

_Lucy Quinn Fabray._

_And that's when she stepped into the waiting room, looking sleep deprived but with a smile on her face. _

_Beth came flying past her and wrapped herself around my legs, tightly...squealing with everything she was worth. _

_I rubbed her back and she looked up at me with a huge grin and then looked back at her Mama and so did I._

_Only she wasn't standing anymore._

_She was on one knee...holding something that looked way too similar to my mother's first engagement ring from my father._

_And I was...speechless._

_"Say something." She said and then Beth repeated her. "Say something, Santana...like YES." She squealed again, jumping up and down with her arms still around me, jostling me out of my stupor._

_"How did you get that? When?" _

_Quinn looked at the ring and then held it out further and rocked a bit in place._

_She was in one of her classic long skirts and boots...but it seemed that didn't matter because she wanted to be the one to do this and I felt a million emotions...all centering around relief._

_"I don't want to wait, Santana. I don't want to go back and forth. I want to sign that birth certificate...with you...knowing that he will be my son just as much as yours. Marry me?"_

_And who could say no to that?_

_"Yes...okay." I said and she smiled so sweetly and Beth was cheering...this time loud enough to make a nurse poke her head in to remind us that there were babies sleeping across the hall._

* * *

_*****Those are the basics...lots of fluff...make it as mentally stimulating as you want. Moving on. ;)*****  
_

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

**_***Okay fine...one more flashback but that's it! I swear!***_  
**

* * *

_"Are you sure that you don't even want to hold him for a little bit?" I asked Vanessa who had been moved to a regular recovery room far away from all the new mothers. _

_"Absolutely. You and Santana should be the ones to bond with him and maybe after a few months...after he stops being so breakable and I can separate him from being mine, then I will hold him but right now. I want to go home and focus on school and my life, more than anything."_

_"The doctor already told you that you had to spend a night at least." I argued and she rolled her eyes._

_"And I did, he was born at noon and I slept here last night. Why can't that be enough?"_

_"Wait a few hours, maybe see how you feel after lunch. Let yourself be taken care of while you still can be."_

_"I know...It's just, I don't want to be here anymore. I'm ready to go spend some time with my parents before I go back to Maryland."_

_"You'll be out of here before you know it, in the mean time, let people help you."_

_"I'm going to be a nurse, Q, you don't think I can take care of myself? "_

_"No. Not really. Besides...we need to get all the paperwork squared away and the lawyer can't make it until tomorrow."_

_"Why not today?" She groaned._

_"Because it's Christmas." I countered. "Have a heart."  
_

_"I'm a Jehovah's Witness. We don't make a big deal out of things like you heathens do." She said with a straight face and when I glared, she burst into giggles. _

_And then the baby gave a start against my chest and began to cry._

_Very, very softly, his cries similar to a lamb's. _

_Everything about him was perfection and I was hopelessly attached to him already. _

_I'd been in Vanessa's spot before, signing over the child you had carried for nine (in her case seven and a half) months. _

_But she was adamant about keeping him at a distance and try as I might, it was hard for me to understand her detachment to him because I was never able to do that with Beth._

_"Okay that's enough," She said when his cries began to die down. "Please, take him away, his cries make my boobs hurt." She complained and even though the idea of her dismissal stung a bit, once I was just outside of her room, I could hear her let out a sob._

_And, honestly, it made me feel better, that she wasn't as heartless as she seemed. _

* * *

_I was back in the NICU, the baby still on my chest when Santana and Beth came back from getting us a change of clothes from the apartment.  
_

_And to my surprise, Santana had the adoption lawyer right behind her._

_"Did you seriously interrupt her holiday? Joanne, I am SO SORRY, Santana can be a bit...forceful."_

_"No bother, I'm Jewish...I was at home with my Chinese food and Netflix. This is way more important."_

_"See, Q, no harm, no foul. Joanne gets it. Vanessa already signed everything and so...now you just need to fill stuff out...like his birth certificate."_

_I hadn't even begun to think of a name for the baby, I had just been calling him babylove but I guess, that can't be his official name._

_His dark black hair was sticking up in every direction as I kissed his sweet little face before handing him over to the nurse._

_Santana smiled at him and then looked over at me with a tear in her eye._

_"He's so beautiful."_

_"He is." The nurse was so gentle with him as she changed him and talked to him softly. He was tiny, just under five pounds but gorgeous nonetheless and I was so happy to be his mother. "I'll be back. Take care of him, okay?"  
_

_She nodded._

_"Of course and you come back with a name." She winked and I nodded._

_"You got it."_

* * *

_*****OKAY...enough of that. Moving on! :) Seriously.*****_

* * *

**JANUARY 25, 2017**

**A.K.A.**

**QUINN'S 23rd BIRTHDAY**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV  
**

* * *

_"Where does she think you are?"_ Judy asked me as we put the finishing touches on the room.

_"A meeting."_ I said...feeling ashamed for a brief second that I had to lie to Quinn about where I was going but she was so tired these days from spending hours at the hospital with the baby that it didn't take much convincing at all.

My parents strolled across the room, hand in hand with that loving look in their eyes that I admired so much.

This was the first time they were visiting Philly since before the baby was born and I had gotten engaged...so I knew that they were going to call me out. It had been an hour and Judy hadn't noticed the ring on my finger but I knew that was about to change.

_"Mi'ja! Let me see the ring!"_ Mami said, the moment she was in earshot.

Judy froze next to me and grabbed my hand, her eyes on the rock on my finger and then back on me.

_"My daughter gave you this?"_ She said, in shock.

_"It was mine, I gave it to her when she came for Thanksgiving...well...more like forced it on her. I just never thought she'd propose so soon."_

_"Oh Tata, this time its going to stick. She's the one. I know it."_ Papi said, putting an arm around me.

_"When did she do it? How?"_ Judy asked and Mami joined in with a grin.

_"Yes! Tell her! I can't believe you haven't yet!" _

_"I called you two...Quinn was supposed to call you Judy, the baby is still in the hospital so she's been super busy and extremely distracted, don't take it personally...okay, I'm sure she just forgot."_ I explained for Quinn even though I knew that it was more than that.

Quinn had been distant from Judy for years for reasons that she's never really explained to me and I wasn't going to push her on it.

But seeing the sadness in Judy's eyes, made me think that I should probably start doing that. Include her when my parents are included.

It's only fair.

* * *

The plan was that Beth and Quinn would meet me at Max Brenner's (a.k.a the best restaurant on Earth) for Quinn's birthday dinner and then we would all go see the baby for his bedtime story, just like we had been doing every night since he was transferred from the hospital in Jersey.

And because this was all part of Beth's master plan to make her Mama smile, I had pulled out all the stops to make it happen...including enlisting the financial help of my parents to book the entire restaurant for a few hours.

The place was packed with people who loved my fiance.

My family, her family, Vincent and Lydia with their baby and even Vanessa had found a way to get away from classes for the day and make her way here.

The only people missing were probably most of the Glee nerds and her father and sister.

Shit...even Puck was supposed to be showing up at some point, despite him being a bit of a dud as a father these last few years.

I just hoped that he didn't show up at the wrong moment and ruin the surprise because that would REALLY suck because not even Beth knew he was showing up.

Only me and Jake, who was in charge of getting him here.

Last year, I had been strung out on her birthday and it had gone forgotten...her being a martyr, she just let it go and pretended to not care but I knew that she did.

Which is why this morning, I woke her up with breakfast and sent flowers to her job, I showed up at lunch with her favorite bacon Pad Thai and Beth with a present, just to throw her off a bit.

There was no way she was expecting this.

So NO ONE better ruin it.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

I couldn't stop crying.

Beth was holding my hand tight as we rode from the church to dinner with Santana.

A dinner that I did NOT want to attend because I was just so tired.

In fact, if it hadn't been for Beth's urging, I'd be on my way to the hospital to be with the baby because he needs me more than Santana or Beth at this moment...as bad as it may sound, finding out he needs yet another surgery in the morning just moments after finding out Beth's school friend's mother died of an overdose last night...was just too much.

_"Mama...please don't cry."_ Beth urged as we rode down Chestnut street...further and further away from the baby.

_"I'm sorry, Sweets."_ I hiccuped. Wiping a fresh set of tears from my eyes.

_"It's your birthday and you should be happy. That's why I didn't tell you about that lady dying."_

_"You knew already?"_ I asked, momentarily distracted from my sadness.

_"At school, they made the announcement and we made cards in art class."_

_"Aren't you sad?"_ I asked, my breaths slowing down.

_"Not really. I didn't know her. I'm just happy it's not Santana or you."_ She said, a small smile on her face as she leaned against me. _"Its sad but I feel, okay...well I did. Now, I'm worried about you."_

And somehow, that statement was enough for me to pull myself together a bit as we pulled up outside the restaurant.

_"Don't be worried. I'm going to be okay."_

_"And after dinner we can go straight to see the Babe" _her nickname for him that always made me smile. _"but right now, let us make you smile."_ She said with way too much wisdom for her years.

_"Okay, just this once."_ I teased, managing a real smile.

* * *

I was distracted by the sheer effort it took to swallow my emotions as we made our way into the restaurant...Beth leading me excitedly.

And just as I felt like I could manage a smile, there were a bunch of flashes and then from every direction.

_"Surprise!"_ Was yelled out and the tears returned in full force as I covered my mouth and sought out Santana.

She stood tentatively in front of us, Mother on her left and Noah on her right.

_"Daddy?"_ Beth exclaimed and let go of my hand and ran full force towards Puck.

I stood there looking around...feeling like an island surrounded by the paparazzi until Santana stepped forward, her cool hands touching my burning my cheeks and kissed me.

There was cheering and catcalls but with her lips on mine and her comforting touch...all the noise seemed to drown out.

When she pulled back, she was looking all over my face in concern and brushing away my tears with her thumbs.

_"Too much?"_ She whispered.

I shrugged.

_"A little."_

_"I take it that you got the call about his surgery? Which sucks since I begged the nurses to wait but I guess I can't control everything." _

_"He's so small...I just...he needs us there and I haven't seen him today, how will he know he's safe if I'm not there?"_ I said...and new tears came. I buried my face against her neck and she just rocked me, rubbing her hands up and down my back.

_"Okay, shows over...eat, drink, be merry...and stay away from the bacon! Beth...you're in charge!"_

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV_  
_**

* * *

So that didn't pan out just right but I had the restaurant rented out for the night and so people just needed to enjoy free food and entertainment while I made sure that Quinn didn't break apart at the seams._  
_

And I knew that she would not be able to enjoy her birthday until she was able to see our son.

The party could wait.

_"I love you."_ She said as we stood side-by-side on the elevator up to the pediatric unit.

_"I love you more."_ I said, bringing her hand up to my lips and kissing it.

_"I love you the most." _She said back and I leaned in and kissed her in response just as the elevator dinged.

_"Not possible." _I said as I pulled back and pulled her along._ "Now lets go see the best gift you'll have all day." _

_"Definitely." _

We made our way down to the NICU.

A nurse was standing over the baby, talking to him as she wiped him down.

I could see him smiling through the glass and Quinn burst into fresh tears.

God give me strength.

* * *

Quinn's tears were coming down without any sign of stopping as she watched and I knew that I had to get her to calm down before she got the baby riled up.

I rubbed her arm and she looked over at me, her eyes wide.

_"What's wrong?" _She squeaked.

_"You need to go wash your face and get yourself together. He needs us to be calm. Okay?"_

_"But...I don't want to, I can just wash my hands and go in. I'll be okay." _She hastily wiped at her face and tried to give me a smile but still the tears came, as she stole a glance back through the glass before looking at me.

I put my hands on her arms and tried to give her my smile but...I just found it hard after a while...being overly emotional gets exhausting and I really wanted her to be okay and enjoy her day so I had to be a bit harsh.

_"Listen up, Fabray...you need to get your shit together. He's got this surgery tomorrow morning and the last thing he needs is to pick up on our stress. Right now he's fine and we need to do our best to keep him calm, so we cannot bring this overload of emotion in that room. Okay?"_

She nodded and swallowed hard.

_"Okay."_

_"So go get cleaned up and I'll wait for you right here."_

_"Okay."_

_"I love you and so does the Babe. We need to be strong for him."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

_"Better?" _She asked me once I was in the rocker with a very alert baby in my arms.

I looked down at him and his dark eyes looked back at me, taking in as much of me as he was able to.

_"Much better." _I sighed.

She leaned over us and slid her pinky into his little fist.

_"She's going to spoil you rotten, hijo. Just you wait, once you are out of this place, you're going to be able to get whatever you want."_

_"No you won't."_ I cooed and got a smile from him...even if the nurses say it's gas._ "Your Mami is full of it, she's the softy. Beth has her wrapped around her finger."_

_"Oh please!" _Santana chuckled as she caressed my shoulder._ "We all know, it's your finger that I'm wrapped around."_

I looked up at her and could see the love in her eyes, there was no shame in my game.

_"You're right." _I looked back at the baby and the smile hadn't gone away._ "No worries, Gabriel, I think there's plenty of her to wrap around all of our fingers. I think if you try hard enough, you'll get a convertible for your sixteenth birthday."_

_"Not before I have one. Come on now, I do have limits."_

_"Not likely."_

* * *

We stayed at the hospital for close to an hour before we had to hand the baby back which was definitely something I hated having to do.

Every time I had to hand him over, it was like I was getting post traumatic flashbacks of handing over Beth and I was NOT thrilled but this was better than the alternative.

He was going to eventually come home with us and that made all the difference.

When we got back to the party, everyone was eating and shouting stories to each other, so wrapped up in their food that they just gave us a glance and then went back to their restaurant wide conversation.

It was a MUCH better way to come into the restaurant.

No sensory overload, no center of attention...just a very big dinner with the people dearest to me.

_"Thank you for this. You outdid yourself."_ I said to Santana as I watched everyone intermingling.

More than anything...it brought a smile to my face to see Beth giving Puck a stern talking to half a table away.

It was a long time coming but I'm glad she got the opportunity to talk to him.

And when my mother handed me her phone and my sister was on the other end, wishing me a tearful congratulations on the baby and the engagement, it brought on a whole new onslaught of tears.

Santana rolled her eyes but still rubbed my back as I gave into the overwhelming emotions that were taking over me.

I knew she wasn't going to let me live this down and honestly, I was glad that she was around to give me shit about it.

Because the idea of losing her this late in the game...is enough to make me drown us all in my tears.

The amount of joy that I feel when I look at her and Beth and little Gabriel, speaks volumes about just how much God has been listening to me all of this time.

* * *

**_A/N: All of those reviews yesterday, inspired me to give you more today, so thank yourselves for this! ;) Also...go ahead and thank me in the reviews. Mwhahaha._ **


	56. Chapter 56:Giving You The Best I Got

_**A/N: It was an April Fools joke...but you guys...you got so upset...I'm sorry if I gave you trauma from the hurts of the past! :/ I thought it was hilarious though...so at least one of us was laughing! ;)**_

* * *

**Giving You The Best That I Got (Anita Baker)**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV  
**

* * *

We were halfway through dinner, Santana's hand on my thigh as she talked to her mom across the table and I talked to mine when Beth stood up from next to Puck and hit her spoon against a glass and the room got silent.

I looked at Santana and could see that she was blushing as she gave her full attention to Beth.

So I did too...not sure what could possibly top the surprise party to top all surprise parties.

And then my daughter looked over at me.

_"Mama, you have been a blessing to me. You saved my life. You scare away my monsters and chase away darkness with your smile. Today is a big day. Do you know why?"_

I smiled.

"Because I was born?" I asked...feeling like a spotlight was on my face.

_"Duh...but not just that. Guess again."_

_"Um...I don't know, Sweets...why?"_

_"Because today you're getting married and I get to give you away."_ And then the room when nuts with cheers and applause...my face had the biggest grin but I was so thrown off.

I turned to Santana and she held up a key.

_"I'm so confused."_ I said, leaning into her.

_"In the backroom, there's a whole set up...a dress that our mother's picked out and WOULD NOT let me see. No bad luck...I've learned my lesson about seeing the bride before the wedding." _She grimaced and told me way more than I wanted to know about her first wedding in one statement but I wasn't going to sweat it because...shit...this was HAPPENING.

_"You're sure?" _I asked and she nodded.

_"I've never been more sure about anything and our family is here, our friends...and you'll never ignore your birthday again."_ She winked at me and then pressed the key into my palm.

_"Go get dressed...Beth will come get you when it's time."_

* * *

I followed my mom into the dressing room and there stood Rachel and Frannie, both smiling really big. _  
_

_"Is this real?" _I asked the room and they all nodded.

_"It was Beth's idea." _Rachel said,_ "And Santana agreed immediately...so here we are."_

_"I'm getting married." _I said as I turned to look at my mother and she was holding the most beautiful vintage dress._ One that I've been talking about all of my life...a very close replica to Grace Kelly's...classic...lace...beautiful._

_"I searched high and low until I found it."_

I covered my face with my hands and tried to hold back tears as it hit me.

Santana had made all of this happen...we were getting married...TODAY!

And I almost cancelled...wow.

_"So what do you think, mi'ja? Judy had me running all over Ohio with her for weeks."_ Maribel said as she squeezed into the room, her face glowing and reminding me of the woman that I was about MARRY.

Weeks?

I was beginning to panic a bit...but not in the cold feet kind of way...more like the, HOLY SHIT, I'M GETTING MARRIED kind of way.

_"It's beautiful." _I finally said...stepping forward and checking my hands for chocolate before I reached out to touch it.

There was a knock on the door just as my hand grazed the lace.

_"Quinn?"_ It was Santana and I froze.

_"Umm...yea?" _I stuttered out.

_"I know that you're probably freaking out and so I just want to let you know, that I have no doubts about us and I hope that you will allow me to show you just how much I love you until the day that I die." _

All the women in the room were staring at me, with googly eyes and I couldn't help but roll mine.

I put my hand on my chest and tried to breathe past the minor panic attack because in all my panic, all I was thinking was how two years ago, she was saying all these sorts of things to Brittany...and look at them now.

_"There's no one else?" _I asked her through the door.

And without hesitation.

_"No one. I want to be yours, I want to give you everything that I've got. The best of me and lets be honest,"_ she chuckled,_ "you bring out the best in me, so there shouldn't be any bad things. Te amo, Luce."_

_"I love you too. Let's do this."_

_"Sweet. Hurry up and get out here so we can start our lives together. Okay?"  
_

_"Okay."_

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV_  
_**

* * *

I wanted things to be different this time around.

Last time, Brittany basically planned everything, right down to our guest list...all I got to pick out was my dress and so this time...I wanted to have full control. I wanted to feel like I had a choice in all of this.

She proposed but I wanted to set up the wedding.

And it was different from the start.

I was wearing a white tux and the best fuck me pumps I could find, which I was going to stand at the top of the aisle in because, I'd be damned if I walked down the aisle with anyone other than my wife.

God, I love the sound of that...Quinn Fabray...my wife.

Yes!

Feeling like I'm winning for the first time since I made the decision to give my own happiness a shot.

I could feel tears coming...and since the last thing I wanted was to ruin my makeup...I turned my face into a scowl and looked straight ahead, past the rows of people and towards the aisle that they created.

Beth changed into her own little tuxedo and was practically strutting up the aisle towards me with a huge grin on her face and I couldn't help but to smile back because in just a few minutes, I'd officially be able to call myself her Mami. It was an honor...I'd come so far from hating Quinn and thinking she'd have a lizard baby.

I'd recently told Beth that story and so when she changes her smile and sticks out her tongue and curls up her fingers into claws, I can't help but laugh out loud.

And it made her smile even bigger.

_"Good. Mama doesn't need to see your angry eyebrows."_ Beth teased and I couldn't help but let the tears fall.

The music started to play, nothing dramatic...just something I had cooked up in the studio but...God help me...the music was starting, which meant that Quinn was really on her way...

It's happening.

All of my covert planning with Beth and my parents is coming down to this moment...

* * *

The chime of the wedding march began...with a little bit of a remix that I threw in...of course and everyone stood up.

My heart began to race and when I saw that first glimpse of white lace...my mouth went dry.

Sweet Lord, she was...my breath was gone and I stood there, tears soaking my face...my makeup probably gone to shit but I didn't even care because she was looking right at me and smiling so beautifully.

I bit my bottom lip and felt a hand slide into mine.

Beth squeezed my hand and mumbled something that I didn't quite catch because I was too busy being awestruck.

When Quinn finally made it a few feet away, Beth let go of my hand and walked to her Mama with her hand out.

Flashes went off as Beth escorted her mother up to the makeshift altar.

_"Who gives this woman away?"_ Papi said from just behind me.

_"I do!"_ Beth said, confidently, tears in her eyes.

We were just a family of saps.

Great!

* * *

**BETH'S POV!**

* * *

Mama looked like an angel and Santana looked like a big old baby!

She's supposed to be the tough one but she's crying worse than the Babe.

But when Mama looks at her, it's like Santana hung her moon and I'm okay with sharing that honor.

They look like the little people on top of a cake, only they are so much prettier.

And now, she will be my Mami and move in with us.

I won't have to miss her because she will ALWAYS be there.

She promised to fix what she broke with Mama and I'm so proud of her.

My eyes were so watery that I could barely pay attention as my soon to be Abuelo talked to them about what marriage meant.

_"Marriage is a commitment. It is not something to enter in lightly because of a energy exchange."_

_"Santana."_ Some people coughed into their hands and she looked around with a glare.

And I couldn't help but laugh...but she didn't glare at me, instead she stuck out her tongue and winked.

_"Now, given that this was a surprise wedding, Santana has said that she wanted you two to just be honest about your intentions before the official vows, So who would like to start?"_

_"I will."_ Mama said, surprising Santana but I wasn't surprised, no matter what, Mama is always ready prepared.

_"Okay, Quinn...go for it."_

* * *

_"Santana, there is never a day that goes by that I am not surprised by your spirit, your love, and your loyalty. There isn't another person alive...other than Beth...that matches my flawlessness, like you can. You step up where I falter and call me out when I'm wrong. I am vowing to always give you the best that I have, the best that I am, and to do nothing but hold your hand through it all. I love you, today, tomorrow, and always."_

Mama was crying now but she was still smiling as she waited for Santana to talk.

But instead she held her hand out to me and I thought she needed one of the tissues she'd asked me to hold.

So I pulled a tissue from my pocket and tried to hand it to her but she shook her head.

_"Your hand...can I have it?"_

So I stepped closer and took her hand, it was sweaty but I didn't make a big deal.

She was nervous.

And then she knelt down and looked at me, a smile on her face.

_"Hey kiddo."_

_"Hey."_ My voice squeaked because, what was she doing? This wasn't what we planned.

_"I'm not just marrying your Mama but I'm also hoping that I can be your Mami too...so I wanted to let you know that I promise to love you, your brother and your Mama with my everything. I promise to always be honest with you and to never forget that in everything you come first. I promise to stay sober and present, so that you and I can keep having amazing adventures and so that your Mama never has to worry about anything. I promise to be your best friend, no matter what. I love you. Okay?"_

I couldn't talk, there was a rock in my throat as I nodded and then, even though everyone was watching I threw my arms around her and kissed her cheek.

This was so crazy, so perfect.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

When she knelt down, I looked over at Antonio and he shrugged, so I turned my attention to her looking straight into Beth's eyes and make her vows to my daughter...our daughter.

She still held onto my hand as she talked to Beth and with every promise she gave my hand a little squeeze.

When she finally stood up and was looking at me, I wanted to kiss her so bad but I just smiled instead.

_"How was that for flawless?"_ She said, her eyes bright and playful.

I lifted my hand and cupped her cheek.

_"Perfectly flawless."_

_"Good."_

Antonio cleared his throat while Maribel and Mother sniffled from just behind me.

_"Rings?"_ He said and Beth dug into her pocket and pulled out two shiny bands, looked inside them and then handed one to Santana and one to me.

_"Quinn, take Santana's left hand and repeat after me."_

_"I, Quinn, take you Santana, to be my __lawfully wedded wife, to love, honor, and respect from this day forward."  
_

_"I, Quinn, take you, Santana to be my lawfully wedded wife, to love, honor, and respect flawlessly from this day forward...no matter what."_ I added as I slid the diamond band onto her finger.

_"And Tata,"_ She glared and he snickered, using the moment to wipe a stray tear away. _"Repeat after me, ___I, Santana, take you Quinn, to be my __lawfully wedded wife, to love, honor, and respect from this day forward_ "_

_"___I, Santana, take you Quinn, to be my __lawfully wedded wife, to love, honor, and respect from this day forward, flawlessly._" _She winked, a slight shake in her voice.

_"Great...so uh..."_ Antonio looked at the two of us as we held hands and then said,_ "Do you take each other to have and hold, richer or poorer, sickness and in health?"_

_"I do."_ I said.

_"Absolutely, I do." _Santana said, squeezing my hands.

_"Then by the power vested in me, by God and the internet, I now pronounce you flawless wives. Go ahead and kiss but keep it PG...there's a kid watching." _He joked but Santana, my WIFE, didn't seem to hear him as she pulled my face close and crashed her lips against mine._  
_

**BEST. BIRTHDAY. EVER.**

* * *

Beth wrapped her arms around our legs in a big hug.

I rubbed her back as I looked into the eyes of my wife.

_"I love you for this."_ I whispered.

_"This was because I love you."_ She said back.

Antonio leaned in and cleared his throat.

_"So what's the deal with last names?" _

_"I'm going to become a Lopez since you guys have accepted me from the beginning. I want no part of Russell."_

_"Welcome to the family, mi'ja."_ He said before standing up and saying loudly, _"Introducing, the Mrs. Santana and Quinn Lopez!"_

The whole restaurant erupted in cheers and applause as the three of us walked down the aisle as a family.

It was perfect.

When everything was said and done, Puck escorted Beth and the parents back to the apartment...while Santana, ushered me into a black SUV, with no explanation other than.

_"The celibacy vow ends tonight."_

And frankly, after months of waiting...I didn't need to hear more than that.

* * *

**_A/N: Stopping right here. How was that Beth POV? Do you forgive me yet or is it going to take that sexy chapter coming up to make you love me again?_ **


	57. Chapter 57:Slow and Steady

**Slow and Steady (Of Monsters and Men)**

* * *

**...2 WEEKS LATER...**

**FEBRUARY**

* * *

**QUINN'S** **POV**_**  
**_

* * *

_"It still doesn't feel real but maybe that is because nothing has really changed. Gabriel is still in the hospital, Santana is STILL living on campus until the school year ends and I am still running myself into the ground trying to play super woman but don't misunderstand me, Pop, I'm happy."_

_"Are you sure, mi'ja?"_

_"I'm trying to be happy."_

_"Have you talked to Santana about how you feel?"_

_"She's...lately...this week anyway, has been impossible to talk to. She quit the radio station, did she tell you?"_

_"No, she didn't. Why?"_

_"Because they were about to fire her."_

_"And why were they going to fire her?"_

_"It was stupid really, she got tired of waiting for them to play the cover she made of that song last year and so on a slow day...one where NO one is listening to college radio, she played it."_

_"Without permission?"_

_"Yes, you know her, actions first...thinking later. She took a risk and for the record, the song was a hit, of course but it still did NOT go over well."_

_"So she quit, just like that?"_

_"Just like that." _

_"She's way too impulsive sometimes, just like her father."_ He chuckled as he poked fun at himself. _"So were you calling to tell on her?"_

_"No...actually, I called for a different reason."_

_"And what's that?"_

_"Advice."_

_"About?"_

_"Life. You know, two years later and a psych degree within my grasp but it's not enough."_

_"You want to go to med school, still?"_

_"I do. It seemed like things just weren't meant to happen two years ago and I know that now, I've got a baby, on top of having Beth and now a wife but I feel like if I keep finding excuses, it's never going to happen. I just...how did you do it?"_

_"Sacrifice, Maribel's mother stepped up in a major way, as did Maribel. I have no doubt in my mind that, Santana would be the same way. Have you told her about it?"_

_"Of course not, this is still so new, the feeling of sharing my life with someone else. We went from kind of dating, to being engaged, to marriage in less than three months...even though we have been friends for years...this is just different."_

_"Circumstances have changed but underneath everything, you are still just Quinn and Santana...right?"_

_"Right."_

_"So don't push this away. Talk to her and if you want this then do it."_

_"You make it sound so easy."_

_"Because it is and Santana will show you that if you trust her, you two just need to communicate better."_

_"Are you attempting to shrink me?"_

_"Hey, I've been in a relationship with a Psychiatrist all of my life."_

_"Touché."_

_"Talk to her and let her be your wife."_

_"Okay. Thanks, Pop."_

* * *

_"Like this, Mama?"_ Beth asked as she spread the red frosting over the chocolate cake that she made all by herself. She was getting so big and so much smarter than I was at her age. I couldn't help but smile when I watched her face get screwed up in determination when she was trying to figure something out. _  
_

She was my perfect thing.

_"You've got it, baby girl. What time is it?" _I called over to her as I finished setting the table.

_"Six." _She called out.

I took a step back and admired my handy work, roses and Apple cider to toast with...red and black confetti everywhere and a jewelry box on top of a shoe box.

Our first married Valentine's Day was in motion and all that was needed was my wife...who was running late, which I had been counting on.

_"She should be here soon, go get cleaned up, while I check on dinner."  
_

_"Okay!"_ Beth said, wiping her red stained hands on her jeans and because I was in a good mood and trying to be more laid back these days...I tried to not scold her about that but I'm a neat freak_. "Don't touch anything else until you wash your hands." _I teased, lightly pinching her cheek before stepping around her to check the food in the oven.

She looked down at her jeans and then back at me, guilty.

_"Whoops."_

I shrugged_. "No big deal, Sweets."_

_"Are you okay?" _She said as she washed her hands, her eyebrow raising._ "Are you sick?"_

_"I'm trying to be chill...don't push it." _

I caught her rolling her eyes and started to say something but just then I heard the door open.

_"Honeys I'm home!" _Santana sang and Beth's eyes went wide before she darted out of the kitchen to greet Santana and avoid my wrath.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

_"Truth is, you've been distracted, flighty, and you have missed five assignments that add up to about 45% of your final grade in three of your five classes. The drop period is nearly over and I would seriously urge you to consider dropping those classes."_

_"No. I feel like I can still pass and those are the only classes this year that aren't gen ed."_

_"And then there is the matter of you quitting your required internship, one that I personally worked hard to get you."_

_"I'm sorry about that, really, I am." _I stressed to her but she just sighed and nodded sadly.

_"Santana, do you know why this meeting was escalated to me instead of your advisor?"_

Carla looked disappointed as she flipped through my file, barely giving me the eye contact that she normally excels at giving.

_"No, why?"_

She sighed and closed the file, her back getting a little straighter and her glare becoming more stone like as she crossed her hands on top of her desk.

_"You were sent to me because it is now my decision whether or not we still have a spot in our program for you."_

My heart stopped.

I'd been taking it all for granted, skating through classes, putting in minimal effort because school was HARD and I had zero motivation to do anything.

But that doesn't mean that I don't care about this degree or becoming something more than I have been up to this point.

How had I missed the signs that I was heading towards the gauntlet?

_"Carla, please?" _

_"Please, what?"_ She said, looking like she'd punch me in the face if she could.

_"Don't give up on me."_

She scoffed and then rubbed her fingers at her temples before swallowing hard.

_"Do you know that I have done NOTHING but advocate for you from the very moment my father sent you my way? They made an exception for you to be in this program. You flew past kids that had been on the wait list for a year and each time there was an issue, most times before you ever knew about it, I handled it. I have had your back and look how you've repaid me!"_

I hadn't seen Carla mad before, in fact, I thought it was impossible that Carlo was her father until this moment.

_"I can do better."_

She stood up and pressed her palms against the desk, hovering over me with a snarl on her face, one that Quinn would have been proud of.

_"No you WILL do better. From now until the end of the term, you are on Academic Probation. Your advisor has asked me to step in to see you through this process, which means that you will begin to meet with me once a week to talk about your progress. Friday morning, you, me and your advisor will need to develop a written academic plan and establish GPA goals, to get you to the 2.8 academic average required to stay in the program. If you do not meet the standards of the plan or cannot meet what is required of you, then I will have no choice but to have you dismissed. Do you understand?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Make sure because here I am...once again sticking my neck out for you...don't fuck it up."_

* * *

I was still trying to shake of my meeting with Carla, still trying to figure out how I would tell Quinn, the genius and her amazing progeny that I am a failure.

Valentine's Day was my anniversary with Britt...I've hated the day since our marriage went south but when you've got a kid like Beth, who wants to infuse every moment with joy because she's six years old, you celebrate holidays.

So I went back to my dorm, my face looking like shit since I cried the whole way, and I showered away the ache.

Or at least, I tried to.

In that moment, I was glad that I hadn't given up my dorm room because while I LOVE being married to Quinn, I still need this kind of space.

It's not fair, I know...but shit, Quinn is the same way at work...she has an office and I know for a fact that even when she isn't scheduled, there have been days when she's had Jake pick up Beth and she's just locked herself in that office just to get away.

There isn't enough space in that apartment to get some alone time and so she hasn't fought me on staying on campus...just like I haven't pointed out her hiding out in her office. Thank God.

I rushed through getting dressed and was doing my makeup when my phone chimed.

_**Happy ex-anniversary, IMU. Make it special, she deserves it. Took steps on my own today. Thank you.-B**_

More tears.

God only knows why...it's not like I missed Brittany...it was more like...I just needed to cry and today there was no time for it and Brittany is going to walk again and that's amazing...even if she's done evil things, she is still my first best friend...my first love...and fuck my heart, but that means something, I guess.

_**Just keep swimming, B, so proud of you. Happy Valentine's.-Santana**_

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**_**  
**_

* * *

I could see it all over her face when she rounded the counter and met me at the threshold of the kitchen with flowers in her hand.

_"Hey you."_ She said, her eyes looking bloodshot and her smile faltering a bit. Had she messed up?

Why must my mind go there?

Shit, why wouldn't it?

_"Hi love."_

She held the flowers out.

_"For you."_ She said, her voice scratchy.

_"Are you..."_ I began to ask but Beth peaked from around her, a giant grin on her face as she held out an opened box of chocolate with a few missing pieces already.

_"Look, Mama! Do you want one?"_

I glared at Santana and then down at Beth.

_"Not before dinner...and you should already know that candy for dinner isn't allowed."_ I said and she gave me those sad eyes and that bottom lip.

_"Go easy on her, it's a holiday."_ Santana cut in, leaning in, crushing the flowers between us, all to kiss my face and completely distract me from my scolding. I froze in place as her lips pulled away from mine.

She looked down at Beth who was watching us with a tiny smirk.

_"Hand over the chocolate until after dinner."_ I said holding out my hand.

Santana kissed me again and then whispered._"Go, Kid, save yourself and no more chocolate...go, go."_

* * *

Once Beth had run off, I took the flowers from Santana and turned towards the sink...not sure what to think about how she looked.

Something was off and I was concerned.

I was filling a vase with water when her hands met my waist and her head plopped down onto my shoulder.

_"It was a bad day."_

I turned off the water and began to put the flowers in the water, my hands suddenly shaky.

_"How bad?" _I finally sighed, not wanting to sound accusatory.

_"Not as bad as you're thinking but shitty nonetheless. I'm on academic probation." _

_"Oh." _I said, suddenly feeling relief. _"How bad is it?"_ I asked, turning around so that I could look up into her eyes, knowing that the bloodshot thing wasn't because of drugs but tears...and that was way easier to deal with than a possible relapse.

She gave me a tiny smile, enough that I knew that she knew just what I had been so worried about. _"If I don't get my act together, I'm out of the program, maybe even school."_

_"Oh...all the extra time with me and the kids probably doesn't help, right?" _I asked, shifting from one foot to the other as I tried not to be so annoyed that I hadn't given any credence to the fact that school wasn't the same for her as it was for me. I had zero distractions at Yale and Penn is easy in comparison to finishing college in three years. Santana...my sweet love had a million distractions all the time. I put my hands on her face and gave her my best smile..._"I will do whatever you need me to do...just name it."_

She threw her head back, looking up at the ceiling, her chin quivering as she tried to hold back the tears.

_"What's wrong?" _Beth said as she came into the kitchen on a sugar high.

_"Nothing, Kid...just being sappy." _She gave me a short glance, her eyes full of tears and mouthed.._."Put a pin in it." _and then she put on her biggest smile, the best she could muster_."So, I heard you made a cake...let me see." _Santana said, pulling away from me and taking a moment to wipe her tears away before turning her full attention on Beth.

And in that moment it dawned on me that she probably had a lot of moments just like this one...putting on a brave face for me and Beth, hiding what she was truly feeling...Antonio had been right...we needed to communicate better.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

_"Thanks for dinner."_ I said to Quinn as we curled up in bed, Netflix playing more for background noise than anything else, as I held her in my arms.

She pushed her ass back against me and pulled my arms even tighter around her and let out a breathy moan.

_"PMS sucks...I'm sorry I couldn't give you any of the good stuff."_ She mumbled and I couldn't help but laugh.

_"Oh yeah, is that what you're calling the vag now...the good stuff?"_

She turned her head just enough to give me a side eye and then nodded._ "Am I wrong to call it that?"_

_"No, Q...it is the good stuff and I'm very sad that I won't get to be all up in it."_

_"I could always love you up."_

_"Nah, after today, I really just wanted this, right here. Sex is awesome but it's not everything."_

_"Ha! Santana Lopez from Lima Heights would attempt to kick your ass for saying that."_

_"Yeah well, Santana from Lima Heights adjacent was a bitch ass."_

_"Yeah she was." _Quinn chuckled._ "Not that I've ever minded the view."_

_"Touché."_

* * *

_"So what do you need from me?"_

_"I wish I knew. So much hinges on what you want to do after you graduate because there is NO point to move us closer to school if you plan to move to London or something."_

_"First off, eww, way too rainy there, if I'm moving for good it's going to at least be to a much warmer place."_

_"Noted."_

_"You said US by the way."_

_"Hmm?"_

_"You said move us...if I move closer to school, does that mean you'd be moving in?"_

_"I think that would make the most sense. Less distractions, besides Gabe is coming home soon and you're going to need my help. I thought maybe we could rent a townhouse...that way there is more privacy and space."_

She stared at the television screen for a long moment and then nodded.

_"Done. I'll look into it first thing tomorrow."_

_"Just like that?"_

She picked up the remote and turned off the tv, before turning in my arms.

Her hazel eyes shined right along with her smile.

_"Just like that."_

* * *

_**A/N: I needed something a little less sweet. I hope you don't mind? I'll be back soon. In the meantime...review this sucker. Errors later...gym now. Toodles.**  
_


	58. Chapter 58:Ink

**Ink. (Coldplay)**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

I slapped the alarm and reached out for Santana but my hand hit a cold sheet.

She was gone.

_"San?"_ I mumbled as I sat up and turned on the light hoping that she was still in the room but she wasn't here. The bathroom door was open and the light was off...my heart ached knowing that she left in the middle of the night without saying anything.

I grabbed my phone, my eyes still kind of blurry as I saw that she'd texted me about two hours ago.

_**Sorry I left. I couldn't sleep, so I decided to come back to campus and get some work done. I love you!-Santana**_

I get insecure and so of course my mind is on her telling me that she wanted to move in and that we'd talk about it this morning.

Maybe it was just a passing thought that she'd voiced too soon and now she was going to avoid it.

And if that's the case...it just sucks.

This can't be married life, there's got to be more to it.

More to us.

* * *

_"Mama, are you okay?"_ Beth asked as we trudged down the sidewalk, trying our best not to step in slush puddles. Our gloved hand gripped mine tight as we got to the intersection across from her school.

I was ready to make up and excuse for why I was grumpy but then I saw her...standing there, across the the street in front of Beth's school with two cups of coffee.

My face hurt from the intensity of the smile that followed and thankfully, I wouldn't have to lie.

_"I just missed waking up to Santana...I want so bad for us to see each other every morning. Don't you?"_ I asked as we made our way across the road.

_"I do. She makes the best waffles and today, I wanted one, super bad!" _

_"Super bad?_" I asked.

_"Yea, like this morning when you wanted Santana super bad!"_ She chuckled as we stepped up onto the sidewalk.

_"You have no idea."_ I murmured as I followed her as she embraced Santana's legs.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

I'd fucked up last night.

Bad.

And now, I'm going to work like hell to make it better.

Because my family...my loves...they deserve better and when I got to the school, my face feeling frozen as I stood there holding tight to two hot cups.

Beth saw me first and smiled softly as she talked to her mother who was scowling right up until she looked towards where Beth was staring and then she was smiling.

Smiling so much that it hurt.

_"Thank God you're here, she's been miserable ALL MORNING!"_ Beth grumbled as she hugged my legs.

_"Is that right?"_ I said, as I dangled the cup in front of her. _"Hot chocolate for you, kiddo."_

Her eyes lit up as she took the cup.

_"Really?"_ She asked excitedly, she took a tentative sip but then began to gulp greedily.

_"Slow down, Sweets, you'll be sick."_ Quinn said as she stepped into our little bubble of happiness.

I handed her the second cup and her smile got impossibly bigger.

_"Thank you."_

The warning bell rang and Beth handed the cup back and then wiped her lip.

_"I gotta go, they won't let me have this inside, finish it for me?"_ She asked.

_"How about I take it back home and put it in the fridge for you, for after school?"_ I asked and she threw her arms around my legs around me.

_"You're the best!"_

The second bell rang and her eyes went wide, Quinn dropped a kiss on her head and then shooed her towards the front gate.

_"See you later, Sweets." _

_"Bye Kiddo, Learn something!"_ I called after her, just like I did every morning.

_"Duh!"_ She said over her shoulder before disappearing through the gate.

* * *

_"Walk with me?"_ I asked Quinn, holding my hand out to her and she hesitated for a moment, because old prudish habits of holding a girl's hand in public, still bothered her sometimes but she took my hand anyway.

_"You told Beth that you were going back to the house...don't you have class?" _

_"Actually...I don't think I'm going to finish school."_

We were half a block away from Beth's school, strolling amicably until I dropped that bomb on her.

She stopped short and pulled my hand so that I was pressed up against her.

_"You're giving up, just like that?" _

_"Keep walking, Q...it took all of my courage to show up here this morning, so if we stop here, on this sidewalk to argue...I might not say what I need to say and things will only get worse...please?"_

She had her Queen Bitch glare on her face but she nodded and tugged my hand into her pocket.

Just like old times and the knife that I felt lingering on the skin of my chest pushed down a bit.

_"What else do you need to say?"_ She asked as we made our way back towards the house. _"That you're not moving in, that you've decided to go back to New York and go back to drugs and the bar...to living off of your parents and ignoring my existence?"  
_

Her tone was bordering on hysterical but I did my best to stay calm because right now wasn't the moment to be sarcastic with her.

_"I'm not moving into that apartment but I do want us to live together because we're married and we should be living like it." _

She let out a shaky sigh.

_"Okay, so you still want to look for a place...right?"_

She was staring at the ground as we walked, her hand gripping mine inside of her pocket, so tightly that I felt like my fingers were going to break but I didn't fight it because in a matter of moments, she may never hold my hand again.

_"Yes...of course, Q. That hasn't changed."_

Dramatic...I know but with us, drama is never spared.

We do things the hard way or not at all.

We're special that way, I guess.

Really FUCKING special.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

I didn't want her to tell me if she'd fucked up...I think that's why I was starting to lose it and I held so tight to her hand, because for a long time now, from the moment we consummated our marriage and she tossed away her celibacy pledge, I've felt her slipping away.

Only, I didn't think she'd go far enough to use again...and if she did, God, I just wanted to not know for a moment.

But I felt it coming, like a heavy, black cloud hovering over my head.

And I wasn't ready, so I blurted out my own confession as a distraction because I'm childish and selfish sometimes.

_"I applied to Med school."_

This time she stopped walking and pulled her hand away.

_"Don't do this, Q. Just because you don't want to hear what I have to say, doesn't mean you get to make this moment about you, especially with news that isn't really FUCKING news."_

I was taken back by just how upset as she looked at me with sad eyes.

_"San...I."_

_"No! It's so like you to make this situation even harder! Medical school is supposed to be something amazing we toast over, not something wrapped up in my bullshit."_ She growled and even though we were all alone on the sidewalk, I still felt like people were staring.

_"Okay...calm down. I'm sorry...just..."_ I stepped closer and she stepped back.

_"Don't. Okay. Last night I left you and I went looking for coke...the only thing that stopped me was the fact that I left my wallet at the apartment. I walked around all night long, feeling shitty. Feeling depressed about school and I haven't slept. It took EVERYTHING that I had to come here this morning and be honest with you instead of finding some other way of getting high and you KNEW that I needed to tell you. YOU KNEW that I needed to get it off my chest and you drop Med school on me?"_

She was crying.

Right there in the middle of a Center City sidewalk, she stood crying in front of me, her hand still clutching Beth's hot chocolate like it was precious, as she begged me to see that she was hurting...to acknowledge it and I couldn't let her down...Beth would never forgive me for it.

_"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I...it was selfish and I'm sorry. How about I skip classes today and we go check on Gabriel...have lunch...maybe see a movie. Just you and me. Please?"_

_"I don't know if I can see him when I feel like this."_

_"Please Santana...you need me and I'm here. Let me help you."_

_"Fine but no more sidestepping things because you're uncomfortable. You married a drug addict, Q."_

I cringed when she said those words because she was so much more than that.

_"Don't say it like that."_

_"It's the truth...the stupid, naive teenager I used to be is long gone."_

_"I know."_

_"If you want out...we can find a way to raise the kids...you've got so much going for you and now Med school, I can step back...if you need me to."_

* * *

It was a standoff...because my first instinct was to pacify her but instead I actually took it into consideration...cutting my loses...even if the only thing I lost was her.

And I had fought hard to have her...did everything I could to draw her out of her darkness and I am not a quitter.

Even if she always has been.

It would be easy to walk away but we weren't beyond repair.

She wasn't beyond my help and there was no way that I was going to let the first thing that I've quit on in the last few years, to be her.

No. I had married her with every intention on being by her side in a rocking chair on a porch staring out at the ocean when we are ninety.

Me looking shriveled and her still looking just as fine as she's always been.

And I wasn't going to renege on that intention.

Not yesterday, not today, and not tomorrow either.

I could steer the tides in the right direction...and so I would because I was stronger than her...braver...and way more stubborn.

_"Well?"_ She croaked, her voice sounding strained as she stepped closer to me and waited for my decision.

_"I'm in...all the way. Are you?"_

She looked relieved as she stepped even closer and held out her hand for me to take back.

_"I am."_

_"I love you, Santana."_ I said as I pulled her hand back into my pocket and squeezed it._ "So much that it hurts sometimes but I love you all the same."_

_"Touché, Luce...tou-fucking-ché."  
_

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**_  
_

* * *

The last thing that I had wanted was to lose my shit in front of her and the dude in the breakfast cart across the street and the old man walking his dog...

They stared and I just continued to fall apart...then I decided to give her an out and she considered it.

Actually, fucking considered it and I felt like I was on the precipice of Everest as I waited for her to say something.

For long, agonizing moments, the world stood still and all that proved our existence was the steam of our breaths as she pondered our next step.

I wasn't sure that I could handle the out that I had given her.

We'd worked way too hard for this.

I'd broken my own heart to be with her...over and over again.

The knife was digging down deeper...nearly reaching my heart as I waited...tears freezing on my cheeks...praying silently that she wouldn't let me go...because this wasn't bottom...but I was pretty sure I could hit it with minimal effort.

And so when she decided she was IN...

God...I have never felt more agonizing joy in my life.

I wanted to throw myself into her arms and kiss her like the madwoman I felt like but instead, I gave her my hand back...and promised myself that I'd stay honest.

She was my lifeline and while it's not good to put your anchor in a person...right now...today...that was going to have to do.

Because Quinn and Beth and Gabe are it...they are my reasons for being.

They are etched into my skin...my soul and I don't want to let them go.

Ever.

* * *

_"You need sleep my love...lets go home and while you nap...I'll make some calls to cancel my classes and make you breakfast."_

_"Okay."_

_"No fight?"_ She asked, amusement back in her tone.

_"I don't have energy...also...I don't trust my own judgment at the moment and so I'm relying solely on yours. Is that okay?"_

_"More than okay."_

_"Thank you."_

She took a much needed sip of my lukewarm coffee and I squeezed her hand, overly content when I immediately felt her hand respond.

_"No, my love...thank you."_

_"For what?"_

_"Calling me out...being honest...and for staying clean instead of finding other ways to pay for drugs...thank you for coming to me."_

_"Have we always been this sappy?" _I asked, not wanting to think about the things I could have done...and have done in the past for drugs.

_"Deep...deep down. I think the longer we are away from McKinley and Sue...the easier it's getting to be who we've always been."_

_"She'd be so disgusted."_ I said, chuckling as I imagined our old coach looking enraged at the thought of how sappy we had become.

_"Utterly."_

_"But I like us like this."_

_"Indeed."_

* * *

_**A/N: Whisper sweet nothings my loves, so that I feel inclined to whisper them back.  
**_


	59. Chapter 59:Thank You

**Thank You (LED ZEPPELIN)**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

The cold wind and dampness from the snow had soaked into my bones, so bad that the heat of the apartment didn't do much to warm me up. Santana was no better as she delivered Beth's coveted hot chocolate to the fridge before heading for the couch but before she could make it there, I presented a better option.

_"Hot shower?"_ I asked as I peeled off my coat and dropped it and my book bag onto the coffee table.

_"YES!"_ She said, shivering as she smiled and nodded her head.

_"Last one to the shower is a rotten egg."_ I challenged, as I began to make my way to the room, stripping along the way and I'm happy to note that seeing the spark of competition in her eyes, made me feel like the old Santana was still in there.

And of course, with my head start...she was faster.

I was in the tightest jeans in the world and knee high boots while she was in sneakers and sweatpants...I should have known better.

Her clothes seemed to melt off of her body as she kicked off her shoes with minimal effort, add that to the distraction of that ass swaying as she walked towards the bathroom as I bent over to unzip my boots and there is no doubt in my mind, that I was finished before I started.

But hey, at least I was able to enjoy the view.

* * *

She'd wasted no time getting into the shower and I wasted no time following her.

I stood mesmerized as she lingered under the spray of water, her eyes closed and her mouth slightly open.

My hormones were raging but I have way too much self control for my own good.

But she...has none.

_"Come here."_ Her lips said and my feet moved before I even had time to think.

I rested my cool hands on her warm hips as I stepped under the water with her.

Her eyes opened and she smiled at me.

_"You're beautiful."_ She said and I felt the hot blush on my face.

_"You're not so bad yourself."_ I said, my face hurting from the intensity of my smile.

I had thought with all the heaviness of the morning, that she wouldn't even attempt to start something but the feel of her fingers plucking at my breasts and that devilish look in her eyes tells me that Santana Lopez is compartmentalizing the shit out of this morning...like a regular old Fabray.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

Sex calms me.

That's the whole story, really.

My nerves mixed with exhaustion have me feeling way too fragile for my liking.

So I gave into those primal urges of mine, the ones that have never led me astray...that I can think of anyway.

With Quinn...other than that first time...it has never been about fucking or climaxing, even though we never have a problem in that department.

My hands have learned her body, the dips and grooves of her, so I let my fingers pinch and scratch at every inch of her breasts without even looking, instead, I stared straight into her eyes and found strength in the love that was there.

I waited for her mouth to fall open before sliding my hand down into her heat...her clit swollen under my fingers as I began the slow pace that she loves so much.

_"Mmm...yes." _She whispered as I brought my other hand down and entered her with achingly still fingers...fingers that haven't been completely still for at least two days._  
_

But like I said...sex...in all forms, calms me.

* * *

I was going slower than normal, drawing out her orgasm as I slowly moved us until she was pressed back against the wall...her head thrown back and her arms on my shoulders...nails digging into my hair.

She was growling now...frustrated that I was drawing this out but I couldn't help it.

I was feeling scared...feeling too much of everything and I was trying like hell to be calm.

And soak in the moment.

_"Look at me."_ I croaked, my throat feeling tight.

It took a moment but her eyes found mine...even if they were hooded and filled with lust.

_"What are you doing, my love?"_ She groaned.

_"Loving you."_

_"Faster baby...please?"_ She begged and I couldn't deny her to so I sped up...just a little. _"Seriously?!"_

I laughed as I stilled my hands and her eyes went wide with regret.

_"Relax...I just...we aren't getting clean and I really want to take my time...do you think we could move it to the bed?"_ I asked and she immediately nodded.

_"Will you go faster?"_ She groaned as I took my hands away and out of her.

_"Of course."_

* * *

**QUINN'S POV_  
_**

* * *

I clung to her as she moved above me, her hands going faster than I thought possible. _  
_

She was breathing heavy as the world started to go bright.

_"Are you close?"_ She grunted and I just threw my head back...my throat shredding with the pitch of the moan I let out as I came...twice in a row...back to back.

_"Fuckkkk..."_ I whispered as I relaxed into the bed, my arms wrapping around her as she fell into me, spent with the effort of having to start me up again and make me come because fuck her for being so slow before!

_"I love you."_ She whispered as she caught her breath...the top of her head coming just beneath my chin as I held her there.

_"I love you too." _

_"Are you okay?"_

_"I'm fabulous. That was amazing."_

_"Good."_

_"You alright?"_ I asked as I rubbed her back.

_"Tired."_

_"Then sleep."_

_"Sing to me?"_ She asked, her voice cracking a bit...reminding me of Beth when she thinks I'm going to deny her something.

_"What do you want to hear?"_

_"Take my breath away."_ She chuckled and so did I.

And then I began to sing softly to her, my hands still rubbing her back as she pulled the sheet around us before cuddling deeper against me.

* * *

It didn't take long for her to fall asleep but I at least sang the whole song before rolling her onto the bed and covering her up.

From there...I took the worlds quickest shower and then went on a wild search for my phone, once I realized that I had missed two classes without getting coverage.

And it took me calling in every favor that I could think of to get coverage for the two afternoon classes that I was supposed to teach but I got it done.

From there, I found myself writing a list of things out on the giant chalkboard in the dining room.

And on there...I listed talking about Med school because it was important and I had failed to talk to her about it when I should have.

We have to lay everything out there...yet again...hopefully this time will teach us something because God, how tired am I, of having to constantly backtrack to all the things we failed to say to each other.

If I could get a dollar for every time over the years...I'd be able to buy a really nice car.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

I don't remember the last time that I woke up on my own, without the stress of having to run from one place or another and sweet Lord, how I have missed it.

And honestly, I took a moment to just savor it because I wasn't sure when I'd get it again.

_"Do you feel any better?"_

I turned my head and there sat Quinn, glasses perched on her nose as she looked at me, putting aside whatever book she was reading.

_"How long was I out?"_

_"About four hours, it's almost noon."_

It felt good to smile and it seemed that she felt good seeing me smile which made me feel even better.

_"Come here."_ I said and she didn't even hesitate as she crawled towards me...reminding me of that first night we had together.

Her lips crashed against mine as she wrapped herself around me.

And then her lips moved from my mouth to my face and then my neck as she climbed on top of me and did everything I could to just enjoy this time with her.

_"We don't do this enough."_ I whispered as I ran my fingers up her back until they were gripping her hair. She nibbled my collarbone and hummed her response. _"What are you doing?"_ I asked as she continued her decent...kissing my nipples quickly before kissing my stomach.

She looked up at me, the gold in her eyes sparkling as she smiled.

_"I'm thirsty."_ She said and then her hands were spreading my thighs and I threw my head back as her tongue made quick work of the heat between my thighs.

_"Shit...fuck...that feels good. ayyyyyy!"_

Both of my hands rested on her head as she worked me closer and closer to the edge, giving me barely enough time to breathe as she worked me over...her tongue moving faster and her lips sucking me dry.

My God.

* * *

We blew threw another hour as we loved each other into sweaty mounds of flesh.

_"So, you really want to quit school?"_ She asked as we lay staring into each others eyes.

_"I really want to make music and I am starting to question whether I need the stress of school to do it."_

To be honest, I thought she'd immediately give me reasons why I was wrong but she just looked at me with a soft smile and sighed softly.

_"If school is keeping you from following your dream, then I agree that you should leave."_

I was shocked.

_"Seriously? You love school Q...how could you be a book nerd and still encourage me to be a two time college dropout?"_

_"I loved Yale. Sure there were a lot of snobs but learning from elite professors and being among my peers felt amazing. The sorority saved my life on more than one occasion. I had a great time. At Penn...I've drifted. I'm not as happy in this program because being a doctor was my dream and I veered in a differ net direction. I don't want to be a psychologist...I want to a doctor. I want to be a surgeon. It's my passion. It's what got me through Yale in three years, the excitement of being a doctor...I get the need to do what your heart dreams of."_

_"So med school?"_

_"Yes. I am going to follow my dream and so should you."_

_"What about the kids. We owe it to them to be around. I had two working parents and I spent way too much time with Abuela. Gabe has been at the hospital more than he's been with us and when he comes home...he should be WITH us."_

_"If it were up to me...I'd tell you to finish out the year. You're so close. We could find a place near whatever school I go to and you could use the money from your trust fund...provided Antonio agrees to build a little home studio...you could stay home with Gabe, take Beth to school and record...does that sound good to you?"_

I cupped her face and leaned in until our nose just barely touched.

_"It sounds like heaven."_ I whispered against her lips before kissing them.

If finishing this school year was all that it took before I could stay home and do what I loved, while taking care of those I loved...I absolutely was willing to do it.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

_"You've been skipping meetings, haven't you?"_ I asked her as we showered...both a little too sore to start anything more.

_"School has been my number one priority when I'm not running to the hospital and picking up Beth from school on your late nights."_ She actually looked guilty admitting that but she shouldn't.

_"I want you to keep going, let me worry about Beth's coverage for awhile. It's important that you take care of yourself first and if I have to sit Beth in my classes with me or in my office while she does her homework...then that's what I'll do. It's temporary."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Definitely."_

_"Okay...then I'll go." _

_"Promise me that you'll tell me if it's not enough...promise me that you'll tell me if you are at your limit?"_

_"I promise to try as hard as I can."_

_"Good."  
_

* * *

As we climbed out of the shower, squeaky clean and full of resolutions...the call we had been waiting for came.

Gabe was going to be ready to come home tomorrow.

With so much going on, school, work...Beth and time commitments, working on Gabe's room had hit a wall.

The crib was set up but we had NO diapers, NO formula, and NO clothes other than things our parents had sent back when he was just a newborn.

We stood in the room and stared at the boring white walls and the lone piece of furniture...an unfurnished crib.

_"It looks like we need to go shopping. Is there gas in the car?" _She asked me as I took in the wide eyed look of surprise on her face.

_"Yea...I filled it up a few days ago."_

_"We should pick up the kid early from school, she'll want to shop for him."_

_"Let me give the school a call... you make a list."_

She nodded slowly as she took in my words._ "Shit...yea...go call I'll make a list and text the parents."_

_"And Vanessa, she wanted to know when he came home!" _

_"Right. Parents and Vanessa." _I slapped her cheek lightly and she fell out of her daze._ "This is happening?"_

_"It is."_

_"I think I need to stop school now, Q...I think now is the time."_

Before I hadn't hesitated...if she wanted to follow her dream...cool...just don't quit school but now...I was hesitating.

_"Two months, Santana. There has got to be a better way."_

_"I'll call Carla then too...see if there's a way."_

_"And you're moving in. Today."_

_"Yea, okay...then we will go by the dorm. Okay."_

_"We can't panic. This is what we wanted, right? For him to be home."_

_"I know."_

_"I started to believe it wasn't going to happen any time soon but now, we are going to get our little boy!"_ I was crying like a lunatic now._ "But we're never home!" _

**FUCKING ****Sobbing.**

_"We can't panic, Q...I'm just going to have to call your mom and she'll come help. She offered and she's home all day...She can fill the gaps...it's only for a few months. Okay?"_

_"I don't want to burden her!" _

_"Judy will be thrilled...so relax. No panicking. It's time to celebrate. So go call the school and I will text everyone...then we will shop and buy Judy a plane ticket...we'll go pack up my dorm room and move me in, grab some dinner from the chocolate place and maybe take tomorrow off to get him settled, no worries love...it's going to be okay. I promise."_

_"Okay...right. We've got this."_ I wiped at my face and pulled out my phone. _"Okay, alright...let's do it. Let's get ready for our boy."_

_"Te amo." _She said,_ "I'm so glad I married you, Q. Thank you for being...my everything."_

_"I love you too and the pleasure is all mine."_

* * *

_**A/N: I'm doing my best to finish...to give you more fluff...I feel like it's shit. If it's not shit...feel free to tell me so because I see no merit in it. Good news though...Gabe is coming home...I'm skipping a few months next chapter. We have got to speed this motherfucker up. Quick and dirty. ;) **  
_


	60. Chapter 60:As

_**A/N: I love Stevie Wonder. He makes my heart happy, almost as much as your votes of confidence. What makes your hearts happy?**_

* * *

**As (Stevie Wonder)**

* * *

**MAY**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

Beth and Judy sat on either side of me, each squeezing my hands at differing degrees as we waited for our girl to walk across that stage. I heard a gurgle and checked under the blanket that covered the sleeping baby that was in the carrier that was strapped to me.

Gabe rested peacefully in the noisy room, so used to the constant music and noise in the apartment that this graduation has been nothing out of the ordinary for him.

And then it happened...

_"L. Quinn Lopez, MS, Clinical Psychology. Magna Cum Laude." _Quinn actually cringed...it was barely perceptible to anyone who didn't know her fake smile but of course I noticed and when I glanced at Judy, I could tell that she had noticed too.

But we still hooted and hollered, clapping until she stepped back off the staged and returned to her row.

She glanced back at us and winked, I winked back and she grinned for real this time, before turning back around.

It was a beautiful moment quickly broken by a smell and then a whimper.

_"Peeewwwweewww!"_ Beth said, waving her hand in front of her nose dramatically._ "I think he got excited too!"_ She said, taking her dramatic hand and pinching her nose with it.

I guess that's my cue then! I said as I reached for the diaper bag but Judy took it from my hands.

_"I'll take him, I wanted to be here for the stage cross but the rest is a snooze. I'd rather spend time with Mr. Handsome."_

And so off Gabe went with the savior of our sanity.

Judy put Mary Poppins to shame.

It was only because of her that both Quinn and I had been able to finish school with top marks...granted, even though she was disappointed, Quinn's near perfect grade point average was a bit higher than mine...I didn't do too bad myself.

Pulling a B average had been something only in my wildest dreams back in February but now...it's a very real reality.

I haven't felt this proud of myself since deciding to put myself through rehab.

Things were looking up and knowing that Quinn's in my corner has made everything much more exciting.

* * *

**JUNE**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

_"Do you have the list?"_ Santana asked me as she cradled Gabriel in her arms, her feet up on the coffee table as she fed him.

I patted my pockets and pulled out a very detailed list that had been written by Beth before she left for the summer.

There were five items (only because I limited her), listed in order of importance, that were definite must haves for buying our new house in L.A.

**ABSOLUTE MUST HAVE'S FOR OUR DREAM HOUSE**

**1\. FOUR BEDROOMS SO WE CAN MAKE ONE A LIBRARY**

**2\. GREAT SCHOOL**

**3\. A YARD FOR THE BABE TO PLAY IN WITH GOOD TREES FOR A TREE HOUSE.**

**4\. KIDS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD**

**5\. A POOL**

_"I don't know, Love...I don't think we are going to be able to afford a house that has all of the things on this list."_

_"Papi already told me to not let you back out of buying a great house."_

_"I just don't like taking money from them. With Russell...there was always a catch, it's hard to imagine that they just WANT to do this."_

_"Now that they have sold the house in Lima and they've released my trust fund completely, I think we'll be okay, Q."_

_"I was serious about paying him back...once I finish residency and I am making some money. He can expect a large amount of money."_ Santana chuckled and shook her head as she made silly faces at Gabriel who was giggling at her. _"Why are you laughing?"_

_"Because, it would just serve us better to make sure they are taken care of in retirement, send them on trips, they'll appreciate that much more. Any money that you try to give them will always be returned. Trust me."_

_"Ugh, seriously?"_

_"Just give in, Q. You're fighting a losing battle."_

_"No." _I grumbled and she laughed even harder and Gabriel mimicked her.

_"Mama is a big old grumbly pants, isn't she?"_ She cooed and it seemed that our son was in agreement. _"Send the list to the realtor, she's already waiting and Papi has already been in contact with her."_

_"Are you kidding me?"_ I said, looking over at her shocked

_"Nope, if it's any consolation, we still have to furnish the place all on our own."_

I looked around at my furniture and rolled my eyes.

_"We have furniture."_

_"Enough to fill up the house that Beth is describing?"_

_"Ugh...fine. I'll text the realtor but just promise me that even if they are bankrolling it that WE will be the ones to make the final decision on which house we choose?"_

_"Done."_

_"Thank you!" _

_"Anything for you, sugar tits."_

I glared at her and she winked suggestively.

_"Seriously?"_

_"The babe will be asleep any minute and then you and me are going to bed too."_

_"It's four in the afternoon."_

_"And our flight leaves at ten, so we've got plenty of time to take a nap." _She waggled her eyebrows and I just threw my hands up.

_"Fine...I'm not going to argue...just know that you'll be doing all the work." _

_"Oh baby, that's just how I like it." _

* * *

**JULY**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

_"How do I look?"_ Beth asked as she twirled in her frilly white dress, her long hair pinned back allowing her curls to flow down her back.

_"You look beautiful, Kiddo. What about me?"_ I asked, as I did a little spin in my dress, still feeling a little salty that my mother asked that I not wear heals so that she didn't look so short next to me.

_"Mas Linda."_ Beth said with a smirk.

_"You've been practicing, I see." _

_"Titi has been talking to me in Spanish all summer so far."_

_"Then you've definitely been practicing."_

The door creaked open and in came Abuela, her face lit up when she saw us.

_"Look how beautiful you two are!" _

_"You look beautiful too Abuela!"_ Beth said.

_"Why thank you, I think you are going to make a great flower girl. Are you ready?"_

Beth nodded and Abuela held her hand out for her before looking over at me.

_"Go see your mother, she's nervously waiting for you and I'll go get the show started."_

* * *

_"I can't believe that I ever went through life without dancing with a girl." _Quinn whispered to me as we glided across the dance floor.._  
_

_"Do you still love it?" _

_"I do, especially when it's with you." _She pulled back and I smiled at her...she was still as beautiful as she's always been.

_"I love you." _

_"Oh love, you have no idea how much I am head over heels for you."_

_"Yea?"_

_"Always."_

_"So...tomorrow...it's kind of a big day for me and since Beth will be around for a few hours before her flight back to Texas...do you think we could celebrate by getting waffles and being silly...having fun?"  
_

_"It's your day, one year sober and we will celebrate however you want."_

_"Can we show her the house?"_

_"If you want, we haven't closed yet but who cares about luck?"_

_"Not us, nothing we have has come the easy way but you know what," _I pulled back so that I could look into her eyes, which looked a little misty.

_"What?"_

_"I rather do hard with you than easy with someone else." _

_"Wanky."_ She smirked and I tried to glare but instead I leaned forward and up...damn her being taller than me and in heels...our lips connected and I heard glasses clinking around us...which meant that my parents were kissing a few feet away.

I pulled away and we looked over to the main table and there they were, Mr. &amp; Mrs. Lopez, making out.

Gross and slightly cute...I guess.

* * *

**AUGUST**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

Beth had turned down our offer to show her pictures of the new house because she wanted to be surprised and so now, here we were, pulling up to the new house...a blindfold around her eyes...straight from the airport.

Santana put the car in park and we all climbed out of the car, while Santana got Gabriel, I knelt down in front of Beth and made sure her blindfold hadn't moved.

_"Are you ready, Sweets?"_

_"Yes! I like the way it smells already."_

_"Smells?"_ I asked and she nodded.

_"Yup, it smells like grass and home."_

Santana's hand dangled beside me to help me up, her face was just as full of excitement as Beth's. It seemed that I was the only one who despised surprises but I was going to play along. This was our first real home together and it was something to be excited about.

_"Do you have the list?"_ I asked Santana and she pulled it out of Gabriel's shirt pocket and handed it to me. I couldn't get over just how happy the baby looked as he sat perched on her hip, with sunglasses on and the cutest drool on his chin, looking like Mr. Cool.

_"Great. Okay, Sweets are you ready?"_

_"YES!"_

I looked over at Santana and she multi tasked like a pro as she held her phone, taking video to no doubt share with the family.

_"Take off the blindfold."_

The house was way more than I would have ever been able to afford on my own, more than I would ever be able to pay back but we had found it. A house that ticked off each and every one of Beth's must haves.

_"Wow!"_ She sighed and then looked up at me with a grin._ "This is...does it have four bedrooms?"_

_"Four and library."_ Her eyes went wide.

_"So what will you do with the extra room?"_ She asked.

And I looked over at Santana.

_"For now, kiddo it will my studio." _

_"Yea? That's so awesome!" _

_"Want to go inside?"_ I asked her and she jumped up and down.

_"You bet I do! What are we waiting for?!"_

* * *

**SEPTEMBER**_  
_

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**_  
_

* * *

_"Are you ready for your first day of school?"_ I asked Beth as we walked threw the neighborhood, towards what we be the beginning of the school that would hopefully give public schools a good name because one of the sacrifices of convincing Quinn to move to such an expensive neighborhood was the concession that this school would be just as good as the private school Beth was at in Philly.

Or at least that she would be just as happy.

_"Becky goes to a private school like I used to. Why can't I go there?" _Beth grumbled...upset that her new best friend that she had spent the last month hanging out with wouldn't be in school with her.

_"We talked about this, Kiddo, you promised me and Mama that you would give this place a chance."_

_"You said it scored a 9 out of 10?"_

_"Yes."_

_"My old school was 10."_

_"I know, Kiddo."_

_"Do you know what Becky's school is?"_

_"I don't." _

_"Well it's probably a 10 and it's bilingual...I thought you wanted me to learn everything I could?"_

I stopped the stroller and Beth who had been holding onto it as I pushed nearly stumbled. She glared at me...for the first time, really ever.

Not long ago, I was her best friend but apparently that had changed.

It stung but I was tougher than her.

Even if her and her mother had the very same glare that could turn fire to ice.

_"Beth, you promised that you would give this school a real shot. By the time we moved here, it was too late to put you in private school, so even if you don't like this place, you still would have to stay until next year. I need you to keep your promises just like I have been keeping mine. Your Mama is going to be under a lot of stress and I don't want her to worry about you being upset. You are an amazing kid, your smart, and your funny. This school could use a kid like you."_

_"Fine."_ She said, crossing her arms over her chest.

_"Besides, our high school in Lima was barely a 5 and look at your Mama, she's graduated from the two of the best schools in the country and now she's going to be a surgeon."_

Beth looked impressed and then the scowl went away and finally, I had my girl back as she grinned.

_"Okay, fine, I'll give a chance. I'll keep my promise."_

_"That a girl. Now let's not make too much of fashionably late entrance...okay? You'd never get into a private school with bad attendance and late arrivals."_

Beth rolled her eyes and began to push the stroller herself, completely ignoring my snickering.

Quinn and I had bad attitudes in school, we'd carried frustrations from home into the classroom and I'd be damned if I allowed Beth to be the same.

The kid was a survivor, not a quitter (like me), she had way too much going for her to follow behind some other kid.

Especially not someone who's first name was Becky...girl bye.

* * *

**OCTOBER**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

Whoever came up with the concept that Ivy League schools were harder than a "regular" school, were idiots. I am TIRED.

School is hard and thrilling, so much more exciting than Penn...than psychology, although some of the things I learned in my Masters have definitely helped me deal with the quirky people that I'm surrounded by.

California is definitely, different than the East Coast.

People don't seem to have a sense of urgency here and while it's a little frustrating, after going toe to toe with the snobs at Yale and the sharks at Penn, it's good to slow down a bit.

And since my father-in-law bought our house and transferred the rest of Santana's trust fund over to me, I am doing my best to do him proud.

But more than anything, I am so focused on school that I've worked ahead...just enough to celebrate Santana's birthday in style.

We've been here three months and have only seen one or two people that we know.

But tonight, I've got a baby sitter and I am taking Santana out...to sing.

Because even though she stopped school to put more focus on her music career, she has yet to sit her ass in that pseudo studio that we put together, to record anything.

I get that she loves being a housewife and mom but I need her to follow her other dream.

Music. Her self-proclaimed mistress.

So, thanks to Mercedes and Sam offering to throw a party at their house, disguised as a quiet dinner which is really code for karaoke and dinner...with Mercedes manager (masked as just a friend) and few other people she knows because my super talented wife needs the exposure and for her birthday and a belated one year sober, I'm going to give that to her.

And even though I hate surprises, I'm not so bad at giving them.

* * *

We were an half an hour late leaving the house because Santana had to go over the emergency call list with the babysitter about fifteen times.

It took Mercedes calling and yelling at her to get her to finally give in leave the house.

And I thought she'd be worried over the kids the whole time but the moment we left, the heaviness left her shoulders and she gave me a smile.

_"So where are you taking me, Fabray?"_

_"Lopez."_ I corrected.

_"Is it another museum or art gallery because to be honest, you and the kid enjoy that way more than me, Fabray."_

_"Lopez."_ I corrected again as I pulled onto Mercedes street.

_"Fine. Don't tell me."_

I pulled into the driveway and parked.

_"We are going to stay in...because you hate the clubs...dinner with Sam and Mercedes. Just like I told you."_

_"And that's it?"_ She asked, skeptically.

_"That's it."_

_"Why don't I believe you?"_ She asked as we walked towards the door, my hand thrown casually around her waist.

_"Because she's lying to you."_ Mercedes cackled from the front door, behind her there was music and laughing. Santana's eyes went wide but Mercedes just opened her arms wide._ "Come hug me and don't worry, we won't yell surprise. I just want you to have a good night among friends."_

Santana squinted her eyes as she hugged Mercedes before stepping back and continuing her interrogation.

_"Friends?"_

_"Yes, girl, my friends and hopefully, soon to be yours. They are all itching to meet you, they've all seen the old glee videos."_

_"Oh God...really?"_ Santana was blushing but I couldn't stop smiling because she deserved this.

She'd earned it.

_"Happy birthday, love."_ I whispered to her, kissing her cheek before patting her ass. _"Now get in there. You promised to follow your dreams and it's time to fly out the nest." _

_"I hate you so much right now."_ She smirked.

_"No you don't."_

_"I know."_

_"Enough with the sappy...lets get going."_ Sam called from the doorway before calling back over his shoulder. _"Get the mic ready, the diva has arrived!"_

Santana fixed her short dress that just covered that amazing ass of hers and then ruffled her hair and handing me her purse.

_"I guess there's no back down now."_

_"That's my girl."_ I chuckled and she winked at me...oh I was definitely getting some tonight. ;)

* * *

_**A/N: Six months for the big 60! :D. A big as time jump to come...five chapters to go my chickadees...you ready?**_


	61. Chapter 61:Never Let You Down

_**A/N: I skipped ALL 4 years of med school because every incarnation of the chapters between were depressing as fuck...they involved cheating and Cancer...and Brittany and I figured that after EVERYTHING that I've put you through that you deserved better. Some of that stuff may have happened still but if they did, I'll address it in flashbacks only. I've learned from the whole April Fools Day Incident, hopefully. Enjoy!  
**_

* * *

**Never Let You Down (Frankie Beverly &amp; Maze).**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

**FOUR YEARS LATER**

**MAY 31, 2021**

* * *

Leave it to Russell Fabray to make a dramatic fucking EXIT!

Unbeknownst to my wife, he had been dealing with terminal cancer and a shortened life span. Knowing he was on borrowed time, he went about his life in his usual way, while secretly planning his funeral for months, without telling a soul.

To top it off, he chose doctor assisted suicide so that he could chose the day he was buried and what day did he pick?

Only one of the busiest travel weekends of the year.

And he picked Memorial Day so that nobody had an excuse to flake due to work.

And if you had a pre-paid family vacation to Aruba...that was going to coincide with school and work breaks...like we did...well screw that.

Russell left the world in the same manner that he lived.

With two middle fingers raised to the motherfucking sky.

I had to give it to him...that is a really dramatic way to go.

The kicker of it all was that the man recorded his final moments and then had his mistress/lawyer mail it to his ex-wife and his two daughters.

What an ASSHOLE.

* * *

Quinn hadn't spoken to her father in over a decade, there was no love lost between them.

But she still got us all packed and dressed to the nines, so that when we walked into that church...we would shine.

And SHINE, we did, heads turned, eyes widened and in that moment, my wife wrapped her arm around my waist and drew me closer.

Which brings us to right now.

My parents picked up the kids straight after the mass, leaving me alone with Q for the ride to the cemetery.

She hasn't spoken at all today and I haven't really pushed her to because I know how much she doesn't want to break down in front of the kids or anyone else in the family.

It was the last thing she needed but now it was just us.

_"He was a bastard."_ I said.

_"I know."_

_"He disowned you without a second thought."_

She let out a dry chuckle and nodded.

_"Sure did."_

_"He beat you guys whenever he felt pissed off."_

_"I've got the scars to prove it."_

_"It's okay to still be sad, Q. It's okay to allow yourself feel this."_ I said, as I reached out and took her hand in mine.

_"That's just it, there's nothing to feel. He was dead to me a long time ago."_

_"Are you sure about that?"_

She went silent and when I glanced over I saw that her face was red from the sheer concentration it was taking not to break down.

* * *

_"I don't know. Right now, I'm numb and I thought maybe when I saw him lying there in the church, I hoped to feel something but seeing him didn't change a thing. The only thing I'm sure of is that, I'm so much better than he was. I'm a better parent, I'm a better Christian, I'm a better spouse, and I'm a damn sure smarter person than he ever was. "_

_"That's right baby, own it!" _

_"Can you do something for me, love?" _She asked me as we pulled up to the same cemetery that housed the remains of my brother.

The same place that I had been coming to just about every August for most of my life.

_"Anything."_ I let go of her hand so that I could park properly and then turned the car off, giving her my full attention.

Her hair was long again, hanging in golden ringlets under her wide brim black hat...because my wife (like her father, not that I'll say that out loud) is a drama queen.

She was infinitely beautiful as always, I looked into those beautiful eyes and knew that I'd do anything for her.

_"If I ever get too in my head and get so cold that I start to become like him...even if it's just a little bit..." _She trailed off as she watched people walk up towards the funeral plot...a plot that sat on the highest hill of the cemetery, overlooking everyone else including my brother who was just in the valley of the high point.

Which I'm sure Russel knew when selecting it because now, every August, I would have to look at his grave as I walked toward Anthony's.

Bastard.

I shook off my loathing and looked at my wife...wanting like hell to make light of this situation._ "You want me to hide the hair dye and black clothes?"_

She rolled her eyes and flashed me that one of a kind smile.

_"NO. Just promise me that you'll catch me before I fall."_

I reached up to cup her face and she smiled even bigger.

_"After everything you've done to save me, there is NOTHING, not anger, regret, or even God forbid divorce...that could keep me from catching you. I promise you that."_

And then, in that moment she began to cry, her mascara running down her face in dark streaks.

_"Is my makeup ruined?" _She asked, the smile still there.

I nodded and went to wipe it clean but she pushed my hand away.

_"No, leave it, this way Fran and Mother won't be on my case about being heartless."_

_"You sly devil, you!"_ I said and she laughed and then scowled.

_"No, don't make me laugh it'll ruin it." _She teased and I nodded.

_"Let's go then, so we can get some time alone before my parents are done spoiling the kids."_

_"Good idea, I'm going to need to repay you for being so perfectly sappy at the right moment."_

_"So, we'll go watch him be put into the ground, say a Hail Mary and leave before anyone accosts you. If we're lucky we might be able to get it in more than twice. I want to love every inch of you Fabray." _

More tears came and she bit her lip before saying in that low sexy growl.

_"It's still Lopez, love and that sounds like a plan because I'm definitely counting on more than twice. Tick, tock." _She winked and then, (like her father) dramatically exited the car.

* * *

_**A few hours later...**_

* * *

My legs were shaking as I gripped the headboard and allowed my knees to dig into the mattress as I tried to steady myself. I hovered over her lips as she continued to work her tongue in achingly slow circles around my clit.

_"Fuck!"_ I growled when after an eternity of slow circles she pushed, what felt like her entire hand into me and sped up her tongue, spelling out what she always did.

**M-I-N-E.**

_"Yesssss, Q, I'm all fucking yourssss. SHIT."_

I came hard but she continued her circles until I was a quaking, quivering mess or at least until her hand and tongue were tired.

Either way, I barely knew my own name as I collapsed down onto the bed.

She sat up, her beautiful curls frayed around her head as she picked up her trusty water bottle and began to drink slowly as I watched.

I lay across from her, looking up at her from the edge of the bed with the blanket draped around me and she smirked.

_"Talk about de'ja vu."_

_"Except, I know for a fact there is going to be more sex once I can move my legs."_

_"And the fact that you are no longer an experiment." _

_"Yup."_ I said, popping my lips.

She opened her mouth to say something but then her phone went off, it was Beth's ringer and so I knew our time was almost up.

I watched as she answered the phone and felt an aftershock shake me, as her voice was low and raspy.

Her timbre was so distracting that I could barely understand the words she was forming, especially with her eyes watching me, a devilish grin crossed her face as she traced her lips with her tongue, listening patiently to Beth blather on and on.

And then, FINALLY, she hung up.

_"She wanted to know if she could stay the night over there."_

_"Which you said yes to."_

_"Which I said yes to."_

_"Gre-"_ I began to speak but she was on me in less than five seconds and I was putty in her hands.

I could be tough for the world but when it comes to her, my God, I will play the pillow princess over and over if it means I get to have such amazing sex.

Who knew that I would go from hating her being on top, to just about throwing myself at her feet every chance I got?

I bet she knew.

And as if she could hear my thoughts, she bit down on my neck as her fingers found their way back between my legs and I once again allowed her to take me as her own...for as many times as she felt the need to declare it.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

Where I was rough with her, she was so gentle with me as she ran her hands up the sides of my body, kissing me as she went.

Heat was left behind every kiss as I melted under her ministrations.

Dear Lord, HOW does she do this to me?

I dug my fingers into her hair as she moved between my legs finally, her hands parting my thighs as she began to kiss me in every place with the exception of my clit, drawing out the inevitable in just the way that I liked.

_"I love you."_ I said and she looked up at me, holding my gaze for an agonizingly long moment before her lips touched the most intimate part of me._ "Please, love...please. I need you."_ And to add affect to the weight of my words, I gave into the tears that I was holding back all day long.

Her eyes melted and FINALLY she sucked my clit between her lips and I pushed my hips up towards her face, attempting to ride her from beneath but her hands, like iron weights held down my hips.

So I went still and gave myself over to her.

Four years of marriage, med school in my rear view and her album finally finished...with arguments...fights...a brief stint in rehab when she felt those dark feelings creeping in a few years back but through it all...

HERE we are...in the same place we first connected.

And I couldn't ask for anything more in that moment.

Just me and her.

Loving and fucking to our hearts' content.

It was all that I needed and wanted in that moment...HER.

* * *

_**A/N: I missed you guys. Tell me it's mutual? Review, if you please.  
**_


	62. Chapter 62:Sure Thing

**_A/N: Every couple has a moment like this...especially after years together. I've been with my wife for ten years...I know these things. ;)_**

* * *

**Sure Thing (Miguel)**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV  
**

* * *

_*****ONE &amp; A HALF MONTHS PRIOR***  
**_

_**FLASHBACK**_

* * *

_"We can't have this argument again love, I can't be there on THAT day. I don't understand why you can't move it!" _

_"Because I didn't set the date!" _

_"Why not, it's YOUR album! Just drop it!" _

_"I'm not Beyonce! This is my first project, Q. My first baby and I need you there! Please?" She said, as she gripped the edge of the bed that I was currently inhabiting with every medical book that I owned. _

_"My boards are the next day! Passing means I become a doctor and that the last FOUR years haven't been for nothing!" I tried to stress it to her. "There will be other albums!" _

_"I don't think you understand just how important this night is, Q. Even Brittany is coming for Christ's sake!" _

_"Don't use the Lord's name in vain and since when is she coming?" I said, dropping my highlighter and giving her my full attention._

_She slammed her hand against the bed and then hesitated a long moment before finally speaking._

_"That's what you care about?"_

_"Yes. Why wouldn't I care about your ex-wife being there?"_

_"Sam invited her. He helped produce my album, she's his WIFE now. So yes, she'll be there."_

_I tried to not roll my eyes but I'm sure I did it anyway._

_"Look, how about a compromise, I'll help you get ready...I will even keep my phone on just in case you need to call and you can take Beth with you. She'll love that."_

_"It's a school night and she's heard the album."_

_"So you DO get that it's just an album, that I've also HEARD and LOVED...and that it's a school night! How about we have our own family album release party instead...like a pregame." _

_"You know what, fuck it...fine, we can do that." She said, a smile on her face, her eyes not even showing her disappointment. _

_My wife was too good at hiding her emotions and because I was tired and stressed, I didn't push it. _

_I just smiled and nodded. "Great, it's settled." I picked up my highlighter and scanned the page to find where I had stopped. She lingered and so I looked up, my lips tucked in my mouth. "Was there anything else, love?"_

_She stared at me hard, smile still in place and then shook her head._

_"Nope...study hard. I'm going to get the kids ready for bed."_

_"Okay. Grab me some water on your way back?" I asked, no longer looking her way._

_"Yup." She mumbled before shutting the door softly. _

_The water was delivered by Beth moments later and even then I didn't allow myself to get upset._

_I just didn't have time._

* * *

_**HALF A MONTH LATER...**_

* * *

_Boards were over and classes were done, everyone I knew was lining up internships for the following year and while I had offers from my top three hospitals...CHOP in Philly, Mass Gen in Boston, and Johns Hopkins in Baltimore...I had yet to make a decision because it was a decision I didn't want to make without Santana._

_But then SHE showed up back in our lives fresh from physical rehab in Boston, with a fucking Master's degree from M.I.T., with the ability to walk again and I've been feeling rage._

_Unadulterated RAGE, not because of what happened between us and how violated it made me feel but more because, it seemed she and Santana were fast becoming friends again._

_They'd connected at the album party._

_Posted infinite pictures on social media and spent the night on Snapchat...I know because I watched...and re watched everything._

_And that has me wanting badly to scratch Mass Gen from my list._

_Even if it's my number two._

_They knew her there. _

_And there was no way that I wanted to walk the same halls that had housed her for four years._

_No fucking thank you._

_And now that I've got nothing to do, while Gabriel and Beth are in school...nothing but ponder everything I had missed these past few years...I realized just how open I had left our marriage._

_We'd barely had sex...and when we did...it was mechanical._

_I was cold, distracted and I knew it._

_But I made myself believe that it was all good._

_That I had time to fix it but Brittany showing up, even if she IS married...means that there is room for her to sneak in and disrupt things._

_Every day, Santana comes home from the studio happier and shinier, leaving me questioning whether or not Brittany was there cheering her on._

_I had to step my game up._

_Be better...especially now that I had time._

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**_  
_

**JUNE 7th  
**

* * *

_"I hate that you're moving again."_ Brittany whined as she helped me clear out my side of the closet._  
_

_"I know, B but this is what I signed up for. She's almost there, you know. It's her dream to be a pediatric neurologist and she got into the best program in the country. Do you know how amazing that is?"_

She rolled her eyes at me as she folded a sweater that I had tossed in the donation pile.

_"Actually I do." _

_"Right, M.I.T. Duh!" _I chuckled as I watched her put the sweater next to her bag._ "Are you stealing my sweater?"_

_"No, I'm reclaiming it. Don't you remember me giving it to you?" _She asked, looking hurt._ "It was the day after prom and I took you to Breadstix."_

_"No...sorry, B." _I said, before going right back to tossing clothes from the closet_. "It was so long ago...thanks for letting me borrow it."_

_"Sure." _

_"So, have you told Sam about the baby yet?"_ I asked, hoping to change the subject.

Her eyes brightened as she sat up straighter on the bed and began to combing through my toss pile, probably looking for other trinkets of our relationship that I had done away with.

_"I'm not sure I'm keeping it, San, he's got two kids already...that's more than enough. I don't want to have a baby, so why would I tell him." _

_"Wait...what?"_ I said, looking at her in shock.

_"You heard me. My body has been through hell. Me and Sam are happy. Just the two of us and Lady Tubbington...why would I want to ruin that?"_

_"I uh..." _I pushed aside the new pile she was creating and sat down, taking her hand in mine_. "B, you've always wanted kids." _And right then, her blue eyes captured mine and I knew what she'd say before she was going to say it. Just like old times._ "Don't say..." _I started to say but she had to get the words out.

_"I always wanted kids with YOU. He will never be you and she will NEVER be me."_

* * *

We were stuck like that in a trance for a solid five minutes before the spell was broken by a presence in the doorway._  
_

_"What's going on?"_ Beth said, her school bag dangling from her fingers as she held tight to Gabe's hand. _"My mom is parking on the street because there's a car blocking the driveway."_ She said looking right at Brittany.

I dropped Brittany's hand and turned towards my daughter, not bothering to smile or sugarcoat this_._

Quinn had known Brittany would be here, we weren't sneaking around and Beth needed to chill before she made this a bigger than it needed to be.

_"Brittany's going through something. I was just cheering her up." _I said, getting up from the bed and holding my arms out to Gabe.

He was innocent, unassuming and so he ran past Beth and jumped right into my arms but Beth was still glaring.

_"On that note, I think I should go." _Brittany stood up but I shook my head.

_"No. Any minute Quinn is going to walk in the door and if you go running out of here, she'll think we were up to something."_

_"You were holding hands." _Beth growled and stomped her foot.

I heard the front door open and shut downstairs and glared right back at Beth.

_"That's enough out of you. Nothing happened, I love your Mama, end of story."_

_"You used to love Brittany too." _She said, her eyebrow raising, resembling high school Quinn a little too much.

Quinn's steps were getting closer as she climbed the stairs, humming to herself.

Brittany was busying herself by stuffing that stupid sweater in her shoulder bag when Quinn showed up just behind Beth with a peaceful smile on her face...or at least it was peaceful until Beth said to her...without taking her eyes off of me._  
_

_"They were holding hands and sitting way too close together, Mama."_

Quinn looked from Brittany to me and then her eyebrow raised.

_"Is that right?"_

_"It's not big deal."_ I reiterated. _"Right, B?"_ I said, hoping she'd back me up. Gabe clung to me, his body getting heavier as he fell asleep in my arms.

_"I'm going to head out, I've got...um...I will see you later. Congrats on the move, Quinn. Thanks, Sanny." _She murmured before brushing past Beth and her mother, leaving me with two inquisitive blondes.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

In my heart I knew, just from the look on Santana's face that nothing had happened and if this had happened out of Beth's sight, I wouldn't have let it phase me.

Only, Beth HAD seen them holding hands and Brittany looked way too guilty for me to be rational.

I put a hand on Beth's shoulder and whispered to her.

_"Take your brother and get him changed for dinner. We have reservations in an hour."_

_"Okay."_ She said, holding her arms out for Gabriel but Santana shook her head.

_"He's asleep. Let him be."_

Beth looked back at me but I just nodded.

I knew Santana's game...keep our son in the room so that we didn't yell.

And because a part of me knew there was no issue, I didn't fight her on it.

Right then, I was choosing which battle I wanted to fight.

_"Leave him, Sweets. Go change and start your homework, just because its the last week of school, doesn't mean you can slack off."_

She groaned and pouted but I just stepped to the side so she could move past me.

_"Happy birthday to me."_ She mumbled as she headed to her room.

_"Almost."_

_"I can't wait to go to Texas."_ She threw back.

_"I bet."_

* * *

Santana laid Gabe down on the bed and surrounded him with pillows...even though he's nearly four and it's unnecessary, I know that she can't quite help herself.

He's still her baby.

I get it.

_"Before you explain what it is she saw, I just need you to know that I trust you."_ I said to her as she looked at me without a shred of guilt only indignation.

_"Nothing happened."_

_"Let me be the judge of that."_

There was a huff and an exaggerated eye roll but she was calm when she spoke.

_"She's pregnant and wants to get rid of it without even telling Sam." _She said, a spark of anger back in her voice.

_"Well that's her decision." _I said, not really sure why Santana was SO bent out of shape about it.

_"I thought you were Pro-Life. How can you say it's her choice, did you not bully Vanessa into keeping Gabe?"_

I looked over at our son, his sweet face smushed, as he drooled on my pillow. Convincing Vanessa to keep him had been the best decision of my life.

_"I'm Pro-Choice and with Vanessa it was different."_

She chuckled and dropped down onto the edge of the bed, her arms crossed over her chest as she glared at me.

_"Explain to me just how it's different, don't tell me it's because this is Brittany."_

_"Actually, yes. She's a damaged person, there's no telling what affect she'll have on a kid."_

_"And YOU aren't damaged?"_ She stammered out, her hands thrown in front of her.

We were on the edge of a screaming match...I could feel it and on the eve of Beth's eleventh birthday, no less.

This was not how things should be...we were supposed to be happy.

So I chose to not let this fight get any worse.

It was stupid and getting us nowhere.

_"Let's just drop it. What she does is none of our business. No need to throw barbs."_

_"Sure whatever."_

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

**JULY**

* * *

She wouldn't argue with me.

In fact, her cold shoulder only gets colder the more I try to talk to her.

We put on happy faces for Beth's birthday.

And even happily took her to the airport a few days later.

The sex...my God...the sex has been phenomenal but the talking...well there has been NONE of that.

Nothing of substance anyway.

As far Brittany was concerned, I hadn't heard anything either way and maybe that was for the best.

Maybe it was better to get out of L.A. our first house in contract to be sold for nearly double what Papi paid for it.

Soon enough, we'd be back east...far away from Brittany's doctorate program at USC and Sam's production company.

We've probably been spending too much time together anyway.

And so nearly a MONTH after this silent battle started...I decided to be real with my wife.

* * *

_"Thanks for doing this, 'Cedes."_ I said, as I ruffled Gabe's hair.

_"Can I go play, now, Mami?"_ He asked me as he looked towards Mercedes and Sam's two gorgeous sons playing a few feet away.

_"Sure mi'jo, go play."_

From that moment on, I was invisible to him...which was more than okay with me.

_"I'll call you if anything, go have fun."_ Mercedes said, hugging me tighter than I had hoped.

_"My God, woman, I can't breathe!"_ I groaned.

_"If you're talking, you're breathing. Now shoo, don't keep her waiting. I want details!"_ She called after me.

_"You sure about that?"_ I cackled.

_"Yes! Wait...not all of them."_ She called back.

_"I thought so."_

I couldn't stop smiling as I headed to the car, hoping to set my plan in motion now that Gabe was set for the night.

Now, all I needed was the right words to say.

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

It was my last day of work in L.A. and I was exhausted!

On top of that, this thing with Santana was still going on, even though I was SO over it at this point.

We'd reached a stalemate...both of us waiting for the other to bow out and I think I was winning but it sure didn't feel like it.

I pulled up to the house and expected every light to be on...a part of her war against my constant bitching about the high electricity bill, was to leave every single one on.

But tonight, only the downstairs lights were on and from what I could see it wasn't even all of them.

Was this the break?

Dear Lord, I sure hope so.

When I walked inside, the whole place smelled like Maribel's rice and beans...there were candles going and the stereo on low.

Classic R&amp;B...my favorite.

_"Santana?"_ I called out to her.

_"Kitchen."_ She called back...sounding happy...for once.

I rounded the living room and there she was, in a skimpy dress and very, very high stilettos.

She looked like sex personified...plus her was hair up...showing off those ears that I love so fucking much.

* * *

_"Hey."_ I said...feeling breathless and kind of grungy in my scrubs, even if she always teases that it's easy access.

When she turned around, she held open her arms.

_"Come here."_

And so I did.

Her body against mine was different than it had been lately.

Looser, more like HOME.

_"What is the word you trace against my clit...every time?"_

I pulled back from the hug and looked up into her eyes...expecting a smirk but she was serious.

_"Mine."_

_"Why?"_

_"Uh...what do you mean?"_

_"Is it a reminder or is it a declaration?"_

_"It's...a declaration. That your mine...and in return, that I'm yours."_ I said, suddenly feeling dumb for letting this thing go on.

_"We are a sure thing, Q. Right?"_

I nodded.

_"Of course."_

_"And you trust me?"_

_"Without a doubt."_

_"It's just...she's Brittany."_

She nodded and then reached into her bra pulling out a chip and holding it out to me.

It was her five year sobriety chip.

Somehow, I'd almost forgotten.

_"That chip, is a reminder that loving her nearly killed me. It's a reminder that you saved me without me asking you to. It's a reminder that even with every thing that she put YOU through because of me, that you are still here. I have faith in us plain and simple, Q. Tell me that you do too?"_

* * *

_"YES!" _I screamed out as she fucked me, loved me, kissed me on the counter. I was a shaking mess as I rested my head against her shoulder._ "MY GOD, SANTANA! FUCK ME!"  
_

_"I love you...do you hear me, I love you, Quinn. So fucking much."_

_"Yes...yessss...yesssss." _My ankles locked around her back as she continued stroking into me...how she hid a strap-on under that dress without me knowing is beyond me but I was NOT complaining.

_"We're forever, do you understand, me? I don't want anyone but you, para siempre. Forever, Q...entiendes?"_

_"YESSS! Fuck...yes!" _

_"I'm yours."_

_"Mine." _

_"Fuck...yes." _She said, slamming into me so hard, that I lifted off the counter and she wrapped her arms tight around me...pulling me against her as she kept stroking like that thing was a part of her, in heels no less.

_"I love you."_ I choked out as I fell apart in her arms.

My orgasm rendering me breathless as I came back to back.

To back.

* * *

She stayed inside of me as she rested me back down onto the counter and put her sweaty forehead against mine.

_"I want to have your baby." _She said to me, sounding breathless and vulnerable.

My heart leapt...her having our baby was something I always wanted but never voiced...her career was taking off and a pregnancy could get in the way but semantics didn't matter.

_"Yeah?" _I said, pulling back and looking into her eyes...my muscles clenching against the piece of her still buried inside of me. My body quaked again and she smirked.

_"Yeah."_

_"Okay. Lets have a baby." _

Her hands gripped my waist as she pulled out almost all the way and then slammed back into me.

_"FUCK!" _I groaned.

She stilled and looked at me.

_"More?"_

I nodded.

_"Don't stop."_

_"I don't plan on it." _She said, slamming in again.

_"Loving me, Santana...don't stop."_

She chuckled.

_"Like I said, Luce, I don't plan on it. It's you, my love. Always."_

_"Mine." _I said as I nibbled on her ear.

She groaned and slammed harder, sending me over the edge.

_"Yours."_ She shuddered, her hips still moving.

_"Couch." _I groaned as she stroked slower.

_"Bed." _She countered...stilling for a moment.

_"Shower." _I compromised.

_"Even better." _She said, pulling me as close as she could and kicking off one heel, then the other before holding me tight as she carried me down the hall.

Never again would I EVER second guess her.

Ever.

That night, she did and said everything she felt simple and plain.

While she may have given in first, she was definitely the one winning.

My sweet Lord, did she win and by association, so did I.

* * *

_**A/N: I shouldn't have to say this...but I will. This was not about CONTROL. ;) Review.**  
_


	63. Chapter 63:Kindly Calm Me Down

**Kindly Calm Me Down (Meghan Trainor)**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

_"I almost cheated on you."_ I blurted out as we sat in our empty new house in Philly.

We'd been here for less than a day...and were halfway through a bottle of sparkling wine as we waited for our furniture delivery, catching up on everything that we had missed about each other over the last few years.

Turns out that I know way less about her and our kids than I would like, while she has managed to keep up with just about everything about me, right down to my grades.

It was a shitty feeling, I just wanted to crawl under a rock...the whole conversation had been leaning towards me being negligent, absent, and down right isolated...Santana was in the middle of trying to trump up my ego with encouragement when the words left my lips and now, well now she is staring at me like I have three heads.

_"Come again?"_ She finally said...her eyes squinted and her lips pursed.

_"We had been so hot and cold in LA...then well you know Brittany showed up in our lives."_

_"And so you ALMOST cheated on your wife?"_ She asked, liking her lips and nodding, as she swirled my words around her mind. She lifted up her hands and looked around the living room. _"Why not tell me before we left our old house, why bring that shit here?" _

_"I just...I don't know, I wanted to be honest about something for once."_

_"For once?!"_ Her voice got higher and she put the paper cup down, pushed her hands through her hair and gripped it in her fists and took a deep breath before plastering on a smile and looking at me with a level of softness that seemed a little too genuine. _"You know what, you want to make this moment into something honest and real. Fine. We can do that. Best to get it out now and deal with it before the kids are here."_ She sighed, her hands falling from her hair to her lap.

* * *

_"I don't like how defeated you sound."_ I admitted.

_"Well, I can't help that, Q. I'm tired. I've been raising kids...your kids...our kids for four years practically by myself. I'm SO tired."_

_"I'm sorry." _

_"No...don't, I love them. I wouldn't trade my time with them for anything. I just need you to know that while you are chasing your dream and ALMOST cheating, I'm here. A little dejected, very neglected but here."_ She said, pointing her finger into the floor. _"So even though I know that this next few years are going to be even worse, when it comes to you being around...I am going into it with eyes open and asking you, to please open yourself. Don't spend whatever time you have at home shutting us down."_

_"I won't. Especially not with you wanting to get pregnant."_

She looked long and hard at me...then down at her stomach.

_"No. You know what..."_ She looked into my eyes and shook her head. _"We aren't doing that. Now that I've given it some thought...I want to wait."_

I tried not to be hurt.

_"Because of me?"_ I asked.

_"Of fucking course! I'm nuts to think that I can handle a third kid, by myself."_ She said and it stung.

_"San..."_ I began but she just smiled again.

_"No. Look...it's stressful and I'm a recover addict. I can't risk being so depressed that I spiral, not when I am the anchor for those kids. I wanted a baby to fix us...draw you back to me but I was delusional."_

_"No...you're not. I'm here!" _

_"You ALMOST cheated and now you are preparing to sign your life away to this new job. Don't get me wrong, I'm so FUCKING proud of you for it, so much that I want you to focus on that and our kids. Maybe in a few years, after you've settled into it...gotten through a fellowship, then maybe."_

What could I say...I mean this baby was just as important to me in bringing us back together as it had been for her.

It was something we had agreed on, even if it had been unspoken.

But she was right.

_"I stopped it before it went too far." _I blurted out and she just shook her head and stood up.

_"Stop. Just, stop bringing the conversation back there. I'm going to call and check on the delivery. Just...try not to find something else to drive the knife into my back...okay?"_ She snapped at me before walking away from me...leaving me sitting on our shiny wood floors all by my stupid self.

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

_"I need you to calm me down."_ I said frantically into the phone, while trying to breathe.

_"You told me to my face that it wasn't my job to take of you, San. It's been two days, what happened?"  
_

I pressed my palm to my forehead and let the tears come as I paced on the porch and tried not to break down.

_"Nothing, you're right. I just feel like I'm losing my fucking mind. I'm just so tired of building my life around her and the kids. Am I a bad person for saying that?"_

_"No. At least I don't think so but what do I know? I couldn't keep you happy either and I just got my second abortion in a year, I'm pretty sure that I'm last person to give you advice. All I can say is that you chose her and you decided that they were worth it. So now you need to square the fuck up, get our yourself and actually honor the worse in better or worse. Just like you told me to do when I wanted to divorce Sam."  
_

_"Well shit." I sighed and she chuckled.  
_

_"Look, I need to go, I've got class. I hope you get over it and take your own advice. She loves you. Whatever is going on, you two are lobsters. I hate to admit it but it's true. So go...be a good wife...a better wife than I was to you."_

_"Thanks, B."_

_"Yeah. Sure. Bye San."_

_"Bye."_

* * *

I wiped my eyes and called the furniture place, like I said that I would before forcing myself to go back inside.

Quinn was sitting right where I had left her, scribbling furiously on a note pad.

_"How's Brittany?" _She said, without looking up.

_"Annoyed with me. She literally said that I needed to square the fuck up and get over myself." _I huffed as I sat down across from my wife.

She looked up at me in puzzlement and I shrugged.

_"Sounds like something you would say."_

_"It was almost word for word the advice I gave her."_

She nodded and then took a deep breath.

_"Gotcha."_

Her hand smoothed over the notepad and she looked at me with a soft smile...her cheeks were flushed, giving away the fact that she had been crying.

_"What's that?" _I asked, trying my best to peek at her list.

_"I opened a can of worms but I don't regret telling you the truth. So I made a list of the things that I have lied about. At least the big things. I hope that after I read this to you...we can really deal with the gap between us."_

_"Oh God...what else is there, Q? Did you kill someone?"_

She grimaced and then rolled her eyes.

_"No but my professors assure me that as a doctor, I will kill someone eventually."_

_"Sheesh...dark much?"_

_"It's a fact. Anyway. There aren't many things I have lied or kept from you but all of the things I haven't told you, are the kinds of things that can divide us even more."_

_"Fine...I guess I can tell you some things that you might want to know then too." _I admitted, not sure that any of it really mattered after all this time.

I watched her face drop and wanted to cackle.

_"Why did you cheat because that would make me feel SO much better."_

I shook my head._ "Nope...sorry kid. You're in that boat all by yourself."_

_"Damn."_

* * *

**QUINN'S POV_  
_**

* * *

She crawled over to me and laid her head on my lap, so that she was looking up at me.

I could tell that she was trying to be playful, trying her best to deal with this with some level of humor and she was right, I hadn't killed anyone but I knew that what I had to say would hurt her.

And while I'd rather just keep shit to myself, the wall that it created wasn't doing us any good.

I draped my arm over her and leaned down to kiss her forehead...she purred and it made me feel a little braver.

_"The night of your album release party, when I told you I was gonna study at the library, I ended up at a bar with a few of my school friends getting a plastered. I spent the next morning throwing up while you slept...that was the night I watched you and Brittany on Snapchat and I ended up going home with some girl in WeHo...I passed out on her couch. I left the moment I woke up."_

_"Wow...well that's all kinds of fucked up, Q, not to mention, really dangerous."_ She said, her face screwed up a bit.

_"Yeah, I know. I got out of there before the sun was up...you were already in bed when I got there. Proving just how easy it would have been to be by your side that night. I hate myself for it. I still feel terrible about missing that night."_

_"Yeah well, obviously whether you were there or not, the album tanked. I was trying to hard to prove myself. While we're being honest, that night Brittany saved me from drunkenly accepting coke after the party. She watched that I had no more drinks after that and then drove me home, tucked me in, paid the sitter and made the kids lunches for school the next day."_

I felt like an idiot as I mindlessly brushed my fingers through her hair and looked down into her eyes, in disbelief.

_"Seriously?"_

_"Yeah. We got in so late that I slept right through you getting home and leaving again. I'm glad you didn't cheat, can I ask though...what stopped you?"_

_"She did honestly, I was apparently angrily raging about you and Brittany all night...she set me up on the couch and turned me down for more than that until was sober."_

_"But then you left."_

_"Yeah...I tossed and turned for a bit, then stalked you and Britt on Snapchat until my phone died...at that point I tried to sleep but after another hour of tossing around...I gave up and came home. Are you mad?"_

She shrugged and began to play with her nails, I'm sure, longing for a nail file.

_"No. I'm okay actually. You left. Had you stayed and waited there for the morning...then I'd be pissed but you got up and left."_

_"Not even a little?"_

_"It's annoying but no. Q, we've been through worse. Right in this very city. Is that the worst of it?" _She asked, her eyes squinting as she tried to imagine what else I'd done.

_"There was my standing appointment to get my hair trimmed and my nails done every Monday at noon, when I was supposed to be in class and the monthly dinners with Mercedes when I said I had to work."_

_"Oh I knew about those. You're not as sneaky as you think." _She said, with an eye roll.

_"Did you?"_

_"Oh absolutely. In fact, I've been getting Beth out of school early once a month, to just go out and have a spa afternoon."_

_"Wait, when she's supposed to be in school?"_

_"Well, the first day of her period is always the worst...so I take her for ice cream and pampering."_

_"Wait...what do you mean her period?"_ I said, feeling my heart drop._ "She doesn't have a period, she's a kid!" _

* * *

I was in literal tears as Santana sat up and cupped my face in her hands._  
_

_"Aww, Luce, she's been getting her period for the last year, I thought you knew?" _She said to me, with sad eyes.

_"No! How would I have known?"_

She shrugged as she brushed my tears away.

I'd missed my Beth's big moment...I felt robbed and cheated.

_"It's okay, relax. I was here for it and now that you know, you can step in from time to time if you are able. She'd like that."_

_"I'm a bad mom." _I whined and she nodded...which made me break down even more.

_"You have had your moments but my love, so have I. So have my parents...no one is a perfect parent. NOBODY."_

_"I just...I wanted her back...I got her back and I've missed so, so much!" _I said through my tears.

_"You see it now, so make it a point to be there when you can. In the meantime, I'm here and they have everything they could possibly need."_

_"But me."_

_"Q...they have you...even if it's just glimpses. They know you are here and that you love them"_

_"Do they?" _I blubbered and she nodded with a huge smile.

_"They know and Beth, she's a freaking genius, just like you and so she gets the sacrifice you are making to be a good doctor."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Yes."_

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

I hovered over her in our new bed and kissed her face.

Her face was so pale and drawn after her crying session earlier but she was still the most beautiful woman in my eyes.

_"Let's renew our vows, Q. Now that we know everything that we didn't before. Marry again."_ I whispered to her as I traced my fingers over nipple.

She looked at me with a small smile nodded.

_"You'd still want to marry me?"_

_"Absolutely."_ I said, meaning it way more than I thought I would.

_"Okay...yes. Let's renew them but can make a request?"_

_"Anything."_

_"No surprises, no extra people. Just us and the kids, I've got four days before I have to start work. Let's dip into the savings and fly somewhere...just the four us."_

_"You're kidding?"_ I said, thinking of the logistics of getting Gabriel from Vanessa's in Maryland early and somehow changing Beth's flight early.

_"No, I'm not. Beth can fly from Texas and we can fly out of Baltimore."_

_"Where do you want to go?"_

She smiled at me and rolled her eyes.

_"Puerto Rico...duh!" _

_"Okay. Let's do it."_

_"We're doing this."_

_"Shit...yes. We are."_

_"We should celebrate."_ She said, her voice dropping an octave as she licked her lips.

_"Huh?"_ I was distracted and she caught me off guard as she flipped us.

* * *

I rested my hands on her head as she took her time tracing my clit with her tongue.

My teeth bit into the flesh of my lip as she pushed her fingers into me.

_"Yessss."_ I hissed.

Over the years, our rushed fucking had calmed into a more sensually slow pace.

She was savoring me and I was losing my mind!

I gripped her hair as she nibbled and when I came, with stars in front of my eyes, she persisted, edging me closer to another orgasm and I let her, even though I was sure she'd have a bald spot on the top of her head if she kept going.

_"Fuck! Yes! Right there...oh...yessssss...LUCEEEEEEEEEE!"_ I screamed as I came again.

She released my clit with a pop and then slowly made her way up my body, her fingers still pumping, slow and steady.

_"I missed you."_ She whispered to me and I nodded.

_"Te...te...shit! Te extrañooooo!"_ I groaned as she began to nibble at my collar bone.

_"Mmm."_ I scratched down her back and then smacked her ass. She jerked and slipped another finger in.

_"Oh God!" _

_"More?"_ She whispered.

_"More."_

_"Can you take it?"_ She asked.

_"Yes! I can...yesssss."_ I hissed as she kept going until her hand was close to pushing all the way.

_"Ayyyy...fuck!" _

_"You sure?"_ She asked.

_"Don't fucking stop...Quinn...fuck!" _

* * *

**BETH'S POV**_  
_

* * *

My mother's are insane.

One second they are fighting, the next I'm on a plane by myself to an island I've never been to, for a quick vacation?

Seriously, what is with them?

I stepped into baggage claim and there they were, looking happy...just like they used to be.

Maybe that's what Philly does to them.

Mami always says how she hates Los Angeles and if this is they way they are away from that place, then good riddance.

_"Sweets!" _

It's astounding how long it's been since I've heard my mother refer to me by that name.

For years, it's been Beth or honey or doll...I even got a Babe once but Sweets, that is like spotting Big Foot and the Tooth Fairy on a date at Nobu.

_"Hi." _

_"Should we tell her?" _She said to Mami, looking all giddy and crap.

_"Go ahead."_

_"We are going down to the beach and you are going to marry us again...then we are going to lay on the beach celebrate just the four us."_

_"You're kidding?" _I looked to Mami for some clarification and she looked just as lovestruck.

_"Seriously."_

_"So you two aren't getting a divorce, I was sure that's what this move across the county was about." _I said, probably raining on their sunshine but they both kept right on grinning.

_"No. Sweets, one day when you fall in love, for real...when it gets hard, you don't run. You fight."_

_"I think you two have fought enough."_

_"Exactly, now its time to have fun again. All of us!"_

She put her arm around me and I felt my body go stiff.

Her smile dropped a little and I calmed myself rested my head against her shoulder and gave her a side hug before pulling away.

It was going to take me a little time to get adjusted to this new version of her but I would try.

* * *

Gabe was right beside me that evening as I stood there and read off the marriage instructions off my phone.

My moms were staring at each other with stars in their eyes and I was reminded of all those years ago when they did this the first time.

If it's possible, they look even happier now and that calms me more than any assurances they can give me.

The love was lost before, Brittany played a big part in that and no matter how much Mami says she's just a friend, I know better. I know that she was tempted, even if she promised me she would never hurt Mama like that...she loved Brittany enough to marry her at some point, that doesn't just go away.

But now, seeing them like this, I'm praying that things will be different once we are in Philly again.

_"Did you want to say your own vows?"_ I asked them and Mami nodded.

_"Yes."_

_"Okay, then you go first."_

_"Quinn, I'm here with you for as long as you'll have me. I promise to be everything that I've set out to be and more. I promise you my continued sobriety and commitment to being a good Mami to those two brats over there. I promise to be open and honest and to be faithful to you, today and always. I promise to love our kids, even at their worst and smelliest...I'm looking at you mi'jo."_

Gabe giggled and I laughed, like a really deep belly laugh at that because well, I've been nothing but a terror from the moment Brittany showed up and she's loved me still. Gabe is no better, he has tried her patience by refusing to wash his stinky butt until he got seconds for dessert.

Mami smiled at us and then looked at Mama again, whispering something I didn't quite catch but Mama sure did since she was blushing now.

Water licked at my feet, which meant the tide was rising.

_"Uh...can we speed this up...it's getting late and I don't want us to drown."_ I snarked and Mama raised her eyebrow at me, so I raised mine right back.

_"Okay, fine...sheesh. Is this what you're teaching her?"_ She asked Mami.

_"That's 100 percent you, Q. Don't fake the funk. You know it just as well as me...now hurry up so we can go have cake!"_

_"YAY...CAKE!"_ Gabe yelled and we all laughed.

_"Santana, Beth, Gabriel...I have sucked at being good to you guys. I've been busy and a little mean." _I bit back a comment and Mami looked proud that I did._ "And I am going to be honest, I'm about to be even more busy but I promise to make time for all of you. To spend time with all of you and to stop being mean...I saw that look, Sweets. I love you and I promise to show it. Always. Also, to be faithful to only you guys...to love you guys before everything else. Forever more."_

_"Okay, then by the powers given to me by Jesus...I guess. You two are married again...yay?"_ I said and they rushed me and Gabe with hugs and kisses both screaming out like they were kids again.

I could get used to this.

They better not screw it up!

* * *

_**A/N: I'll be back to edit it eventually. Just be happy I gave you this. An epilogue...maybe? We shall see. I missed you guys.** _


	64. Chapter 64:Higher and Higher

**(Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher &amp; Higher (Jackie Wilson)**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

I'm not quite sure that my original vows meant as much to me as the ones that I took on the beach that day with just my kids and my love. Something about that trip changed something in me.

Years ago, when I thought I had lost Santana to Brittany and I was prepared to settle with Noah, I could never have dreamed of the life that I have now. She lifts a part of my soul that should have died ages ago.

_"You know there is such a thing as stirring too much, right?"_

A warmth filled me as I looked into those green eyes and my original nose that still looks better on Beth than it ever did on me. I must have stared too long because she rolled her eyes at me and eased the bowl away from me. I watched as she scooped the batter into the cupcake pan with that crease between her eyebrows that I used to be corrected for by my mother.

_"So Mami confessed to me that she's been taking you on spa days and checking you out of school."_ I leaned my hip against the counter and watched in amusement as she froze for a split second of panic before shrugging her shoulders and continuing her task.

_"Yeah...so?"_ She said, her eyebrow lifting.

_"Look at me, Sweets."_ I said nudging her shoulder.

She huffed and turned towards me, her arms crossing her chest in a Santana move...definitely. I'll take credit for the cold shoulder, eye rolls, and lifted eyebrows but the arm thing is all Santana.

_"Am I in trouble?"_ She asked her face a stone cold mask.

_"No. I only brought up because if you'd let me, I'd like to be the one that takes you out on a spa day."_

She nodded and as if I barely said anything worth mentioning, she turned right back to her scooping.

_"Well as nice as that sounds, Mama, that's my thing with Mami, just because you feel guilty now doesn't mean you get to ruin my life. I barely get her to myself anymore with Gabe to contend with, so I'm going to pass on that offer." _

_"Oh."_ I sucked in a breath and took the rejection on the chin, I deserved it. I fought to get her back and then had pawned her off on Santana, of course she doesn't want to have to spend extra time with me. _"Well the offer stands if you change your mind."_ I said as I made to walk out of the kitchen, unfortunately, I didn't leave in enough time to hear what she said under her breath.

_"Don't count on it."_ I stopped in my tracks, my hackles raised, prepared to read her when a colder voice cut in.

* * *

_"What shouldn't Mama count on?"_ Santana said as she closed the door to the garage and stepped fully into the kitchen.

The change in Beth was immediate.

Where there was attitude five seconds ago, there was now true panic.

_"Nothing, Mami."_ She said with a shrug.

_"What did I say about attitude and shrugging at me?"_ Santana wasn't even looking towards me for any say, she was on edge.

Beth finished her scooping and let out a heavy sigh.

_"I don't know."_ She said, attitude back in effect.

_"You want to look at me when you are being disrespectful?"_

Beth turned to look at her, arms at her sides, head kind of bowed as she looked at Santana.

_"She wants-"_ Beth began to say but was stopped by Santana.

_"She who?" _

_"Mama."_

_"Oh, so you do know her name then?"_

_"I'm sorry Mama."_ She said to me._ "Mama wants to take our spa days away, so I can spend time with her...Mama I mean."_

I opened my mouth to explain but Santana shook her head.

_"Which was my suggestion because unlike you, I am willing to share my time with the people I love."_

_"So am I!"_

_"Do you not love your mother?"_

_"Which one?"_ She sassed and it was knife in my heart.

_"Quinn, the woman who gave birth to you. Do you love her?"_

_"Of course I do."_ She sighed.

_"So you were rude for no reason then, which means, you can stay your ass at school everyday until you learn some respect."_

_"What?! No! Mami please, I was protecting us!"_ She said, slamming her foot down.

_"I don't need you to protect me from your mother! In fact, what I need is for you to stop showing your ass!"_

_"You first!" She yelled._

_"Oh yeah? Well now you've got yourself grounded for a two weeks, I want your phone, laptop and tablet on this counter in five minutes or else. Go!" _

_"But..."_

_"Do NOT make me repeat myself." _

_"Fine."_ She said, glaring at me the whole way out of the kitchen.

_"Don't think I didn't see that! You just got yourself another week!"_ Santana called after her and the growl that followed nearly had her leaping out of her skin.

_"A month! Keep pushing me Beth...come on...do something else!"_ There was silence and Santana seemed satisfied with herself. _"That's what I thought."_

* * *

_"Want to tell me what's wrong?" _I asked her as she slammed her keys down onto the table and then covered her face with her hands.

_"I swear to you Q, she's barely like that! I don't know what's gotten into her!" _Santana said through her hands_. _

_"No...this is bigger than Beth, I know it. Don't get me wrong, she deserved it but I know you, love." _

I pulled her hands from her face and looked into her bloodshot eyes, she'd been crying hard at some point...even though her eyes were completely dry.

_"I don't want to talk about it right now because I won't be able to keep it together when she comes back down here." _

_"Fine."_ I sighed, moving to put the cupcakes into the oven. _"Just know, that I'm extremely proud of you for the way you handled her just now, I don't think I could have done it. I feel too guilty for missing so much."_

_"And she knows that, don't let her get over on you, Q...she can be just as manipulative as we were at that age."_

_"She's barely a teenager, how is that possible?" _I chuckled, shutting the oven and then walking back over to her.

She pursed her lips and I leaned into her, absorbing her kisses and feeling the slight shaking in her body. She looked at me desperately, tears rimming her eyes but did not drop a single tear.

The door to the kitchen swung open and without a word, I heard Beth putting her things on the counter and then she cleared her throat.

_"Excuse me, Mama...Mami?"_ She said, the attitude out of her voice.

I stepped back and watched as Santana became Mami again, strong and steady

_"Yes?" _

_"I'm sorry for how I acted. This move...that **school.**_" She said through gritted teeth, _"it's all so different from L.A. I don't have friends and I barely have you guys, with both of you working and having to make sure that Gabe is okay after school. I just...I'm sorry." _She said, tears in her eyes and all I wanted to do was hug her but Santana put her arm out and stopped me.

_"Don't." _She growled._ "I don't believe you for a second, Beth." _

And just like that, Beth wiped her tears and rolled her eyes...shit...she's worse than me.

_"Fine. I just hate not having you to myself."_

_"Two months, Beth and no winter formal." _I said, finally cutting in.

Both of them looked at me in shock but I wasn't going to let her play me_. _

_"Seriously?!" Beth groaned, this sucks. _

_"You want to make it three?" _Santana said, seemingly empowered by my parenting.

_"NO!" _

* * *

Beth was as quiet as a church mouse as she sat at the dining room table doing her homework, it was two hours into her three months sentence and not a single trace of attitude was there. At least nothing I could see.

Santana though sat in the living room, a bottle of water in hand as she looked past the movie I had put on at Beth.

_"I can't believe you did that." _She said, not bothering to keep her voice down._ "She needed to hear you say that...to hear you be tough. She's been going for too long, playing us against each other." _

_"She can hear you."_

_"I know she can." _

_"San..."_

_"No, you don't understand, Beth is reminding me of pink haired Quinn Fabray and as cute as you were...there is NO way I'm letting her become that." _Hearing Santana say that brought me back to her comment about which mother...it wasn't a throw away comment...maybe Beth didn't even know what her problem was but I had some idea.

_"But, what you need to see is...I was like that for a reason...and while I don't like how she behaved. I can understand what is liked to be pulled away from everything you know."_

_"Q...she can hear you."_

_"Good, Beth...come over here...we need to talk."_

Beth turned from her place at the table, where her pencil had long been still as she listened to us talk about her.

My sweet girl sat next to me on the couch and I turned towards her...my heart open and honest.

_"It's time we talked about when I got with you." _

Santana sucked in a breath but stayed silent while Beth, dropped her innocent look and cocked her eyebrow.

_"I know the story, you were irresponsible, got drunk and slept with Puck...got knocked up...gave me away...moved on...Mom died and you got me back. What's there to know?"_

_"That's just it, Sweets...you know when I first knew I was pregnant, I prayed it wasn't true but I refused to get rid of you. Your grandfather...he was abusive to me and Aunt Frannie and your grandmother. He beat us anytime we stepped out of line and I knew that the moment he knew you existed...he'd hurt me or worse. When he did find out, I was kicked out...but he never touched me again. I became less than the lowest person to him. I loved him so much even when he hurt me, he was never around...he was mean...a selfish bully."_

_"Oh." _She said...still trying to figure out where I was going.

_"I have always been like my father. Cold, disconnected, and selfish. I didn't think I was worthy of being your mother and Puck...well, you can see why I didn't want him." _

She chuckled and nodded because it had been ages since she'd seen her father_. "I know that's right." _She whispered.

_"Your Auntie Mercedes took me in, her family loved me and fed me. They took me to appointments, introduced me to the wonders of cocoa butter on stretch marks, taught me to cook and how to truly pray...not the scripted Hail Mary's but an open communication with God. They also taught me that you could hear me. That you could feel me. I never stopped talking to you. Loving you...wanting to keep you but knowing that I couldn't give you a life that you deserved."_

_"And so you gave me up?"_

_"Oh baby, I handed you over 24 hours after you were born with shaking hands and a bleeding heart. My body still had milk for you, still felt you even after you were gone. I regretted giving you up but I knew it was for the best. Shelby loved you." _

And that's when the dam broke. I watched as Beth's eyes welled up over a mother that she barely remembered.

_"I miss her."_ She whispered._ "Every day. I'm sorry."_ The pain in her eyes was genuine, I could see the difference that Santana saw now.

I scooted forward and put a hand on her cheek.

_"You don't ever have to be sorry about missing your mom. Shelby will always be your mom. Just like, I will always be your Mama and she will always be your Mami...together we have more love for you than ever. You don't have to feel like you are betraying your Mami if you spend time with me. Just like you don't have to give up your memories of Shelby to love us."_

_"You missed me?"_

_"Every day. In fact, after I had you, I tried to go back to normal...I tried to move on but I never could. I even dyed my hair pink...got a tattoo...started smoking and doing things that were not good for me and not going to bring you back, I never stopped loving you and I never will." _

_"Promise?" _She asked me and I wrapped her up in my arms.

_"I promise." _

* * *

Later as we lay in bed, Santana laying on back as I spooned against her, long fingers dancing up and down my spine...I could tell that her mind was a million miles away._  
_

_"Love?" _I called.

_"Hmm?"_

_"Do you want to tell me what's bothering you?"_

_"I guess." _Her hand stopped tracing my back as she gripped me tighter.

_"Is it bad?"_

She shrugged.

_"One of my old sober buddies, died today. She was my inspiration you know, she'd been sober for ten years...had two kids and then just like that, she went missing. They found her in a crack house, she'd overdosed, they found her with a needle sticking out of her arm. I just saw her last week...we had coffee...she was so good...so clean. I just...what if I slip up, Q? Our marriage is just getting back on even footing, Beth is melodramatic and Gabe...he's been really attached to Vanessa since summer...he tells me he wants to live with her as I'm dropping him off with her parents. I just...what if I can't hold it together when you're pulling 48 hour shifts?" _She said, her voice full of pain as she kept throwing all of her weight on me.

I snuggled up closer to her, until my nose was against her neck.

_"Babylove, just because she slipped doesn't mean you will. I'm here. I'm not going to let you fall. I'll do whatever it takes. You know that. We are strong together, Santana and believe me, there is NOTHING short of a miracle that's going to tear this family apart. You hear me?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Are you sure? Do we need to find a meeting?"_

_"I um...when I dropped Gabe off, I went to one. I needed to be around addicts like me. I needed the hope."_

_"Good. I'm proud of you." _

_"Thanks babe."_

_"I'm proud of you too."_

* * *

_**A/N: Hola chicas, I have been through hell and back lately...I came to finish what I started...it won't be much longer. I promise. Let me know if you're still around and if there is anything we need to see before this is all said and done. Love you guys!**  
_


	65. Chapter 65:Better Than I Used to Be

_**A/N: I've been back and forth for weeks now on what to write to finish this thing off. During that time I lost both my grandparents a month apart so realistically I was ready to kill everyone in this story and now...well now I want to just finish this thing...here goes nothing. With these chapters, as I finish out will be a bit shorter than you're used to but that means I might write more in a shorter time span.  
**_

* * *

**Better Than I Used to Be (Tim McGraw)**

* * *

_**Four Years Later**_

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

It was deafening the way that her eyes watered as she spoke to us so crassly after dinner and while I feel numb, I can still see it all so clearly.

Santana was cuddled on one couch with the baby curled up against her while she watched Gabe do his homework at the coffee table. I was in the middle of texting my mother about our holiday plans when Beth came storming into the room.

_"I'm pregnant." _She said, matter of fact and unapologetic._ "I'm pregnant and I am not getting rid of it, I'm not putting it up for adoption and if it's a boy or a girl, I'm naming it Shelby." _She said...her voice breaking off at the end.

There were popping noises in my head, my fifteen year old daughter was about to live out my history. I knew on a base level that I could respond a few different ways. I knew that I was angry, hurt, and shocked but I would not be like my parents_._

_"Well that is quite an entrance, Kid." _Santana said as she bounced her little look alike on her knee.

At just one years old, our baby was about to be an auntie_. _

_"And the father?" _I asked her, trying to school my features.

_"He's gay...I um...helped him figure it out." _She said, a blush covering her face as she glanced over at her brother who was looking up at her in awe.

_"Now you're embarrassed?" _Santana said and without looking she continued._ "Gabriel, take your sister upstairs while we talk to Beth...now." _Her voice was stern and our normally argumentative son did not even hesitate.

_"Yes, Mami." _He said as he picked up the baby and headed straight for the stairs.

All was quiet while we waited for Gabriel's door to close and then there was a growl in Santana's voice as she looked up at Beth with fire in her eyes.

_"You had no business involving your brother in this situation, he's ten and does not need to hear what you've been up to." _Santana glared at Beth while I sat there, still feeling numb...still shell shocked.

_"You're right, Mami, I'm sorry. I guess, I was just so anxious to get it all out that I didn't even think." _

_"That's not the only time that you weren't thinking."_ I said dryly as I got up to pour myself some wine.

_"Don't, Quinn. We need to all sit down, soberly and talk this out." _Santana said and I froze in place and looked over at my very serious wife._ "And Beth, you call whoever this boy is and you tell him to get his ass over here WITH his parents. You want to do adult things, you don't storm into a room and drop bombs...you act like an adult."_

_"Yes, Mami." _Beth said, lingering a moment.

_"Don't just stand there...we're waiting." _

And then Beth was on her way up the stairs in search of her phone.

* * *

I checked out of the conversation with the boy's parents pretty early, I did a lot of nodding and staring while Santana handled the fuck out of the situation.

By the time that everything was said and done, there seemed to be a mutual understanding about expectations of good grades and part time jobs. There was now a plan in place that I had no hand in crafting because I was about to become a grandmother in my early 30s, this can't be life!

I hated how well Santana was handling things and how badly I was, Beth kept looking at me, kept waiting for me to say something but I could barely look her in the eye.

I had failed her.

She should have been learning from my example but I had checked out of this parenting thing as soon as being a doctor was a possibility.

I felt like a piece of shit and there was no way to get around it.

That night as I crawled into bed, Santana was stewing as she paced back and forth.

_"I can't believe she was this irresponsible! I mean she knows about protecting herself, she KNOWS that if she needed condoms I would have made sure she had them."_

I stared at her in disbelief and suddenly my voice was back.

_"Seriously, Santana?"_

_"What? You don't think that a fifteen year old having condoms is responsible? YOU of all people, Quinn?"_

_"She's too young." _

_"Need I remind you that at this same age you were dating Finn and sleeping with his best friend, my boyfriend? That you were encouraging girls to be bulimic and beating up freshman?"_

_"That's different." _

_"How so?"_ Her voice was getting louder as she stared me down, her glare no less angry.

_"She's my baby, love. I just have a hard time seeing her as a young woman having sex."_

_"Well wake the hell up, sweetheart because you're about to be a grandma."_

_"You don't need to talk to me like that."_ I said as calmly as I could.

_"Stop this!" _She said, her eyes pleading with me as she held her hand out to me._ "I need you to stop being calm. Stop being so checked out. I've dealt with you being checked out of this marriage for years but seriously, Quinn...tonight I fucking needed you to be checked in, to be Beth's mother for fucking once but instead you just sat there."_

* * *

I didn't think she'd get so mad. I had no words for her after her barbs and it only made things worse. I stormed away from her and jumped into the shower, hoping that the physical space between us would help me get my mind together.

And for me, it did, I came out of the shower and was able to get my mind to where it needed to be but I came back to a room that was empty and a note on the bed.

**_Q-_**

**_I need a break from you. If things keep going like this, I'm going to either end up filing for divorce and custody or getting high. _**

**_I don't want either of those things, so just give me time. Give me the space that I need. _**

**_-Santana_**

I sat on the edge of the bed wrapped in my towel, staring down at the tear stained piece of paper.

She'd left me.

And if I'm honest with myself, which I am generally not these days, I can't say that I'm surprised.

This was just her tipping point.

Knowing though, that she had no desire to get high did give me some peace.

_"Mom?"_ I gripped at my towel and looked up at Beth's bloodshot eyes.

_"Yeah, Sweets?"_

_"Mami left." _

_"Yeah."_

_"Because of me?"_

I patted the bed next to me and gave her my best smile.

_"Sit."_

Beth hands hovered over her flat stomach as she sat next to me.

_"I know that I shouldn't have just dropped the bomb on you like that but I thought I'd lose my nerve. I'm sure Mami feels like she deserved more respect than that."_

_"It was definitely hard to hear but I've been in your shoes. It took a lot of courage. I do wish you had thought of your brother being in the room. You definitely didn't do it with thought to that."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Me too."_

_"Where did she go?"_

_"I don't know but I think this was more about me. This was more about me not being the most into talking tonight. I've kind of checked out of being a good wife."_

_"You...yeah."_ She said, looking away.

_"What?"_

_"It's...I don't know...seems that you haven't been into being around us in a long time."_

_"I don't want it to be that way."_

_"But it is."_

_"I'm working so hard to be the best because I want you to have that example. I want you, Gabriel, and Sasha to see what you can accomplish if you put your mind to it."_

_"That's not what it feels like, Mama. To us...to me, it feels like you got me back only to let someone else raise me. All these years later and I don't feel like I know you. I don't feel like you and I connect the way that me and Mami do. Sasha's still too little to feel it but me and Gabe sure do."_

_"I'm sorry, sweets. I can be better, I will be."_

Beth stood up, sighing as she flattened out her pajamas before putting her hands back on her stomach.

_"Did you know that this is the most we have talked in years, just me and you? I can't imagine what was important enough for you to miss out on all that bonding with your kids but you've sure taught me to be a better mom to my kid. Good night, Mama."_

* * *

And with that parting shot, she left me sitting there, still in my towel, feeling like the shittiest parent in the world.

Only, I wasn't going to wallow in it. I didn't have that luxury.

I had a lot of making up to do with my kids and my wife.

Now that I'm a third year resident at the hospital, I don't have to work so hard to prove myself. I don't need to work insane hours like when I was an intern.

Which means that I have no excuse to keep on being detached.

I'd had those kind of parents...detached, oblivious. How could I become them?

I wasn't a drunk...I wasn't abusive and I thought that was enough to separate me from them...but I guess not.

It's time to win my family back. Time to be the person that I've set out to be.

* * *

**_A/N: A lot happened in this short chapter. It's my first in awhile. I hope it's not too bad._ **


	66. Chapter 66:Heart of Life

**Heart of Life (John Mayer)**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

_"So you think that this all started because of your daughter?"_

_"Sasha." _

_"Right. How old is she now?"_

_"Fourteen months."_

_"And why do you think this started because of her?"_

_"Well like I told you before, getting pregnant was something that Quinn wanted to do way back in L.A. It had been my idea but once we got back to Philly and I found out about her "nearly" cheating."_ I used air quotes as I said that because I don't think I really believed that she had been faithful in LA. I had just gone along with it, tried to make it work but I think it was making me bitter.

_"If you say that you forgave her, then you need to stick to it and really do it, Santana. That was almost five years ago."_

_"I know, okay. Don't you think I know that? I'm just tired of all the bullshit. I get no credit for all the work I put in with those kids and keeping a home. I gave up my dreams to be a stay at home mom. Then when Beth ends up pregnant, Quinn left ME to do all the talking and shit as if I gave birth to Beth and not her!"_

_"Did she say anything?"_

_"She asked about the father and then checked out for the rest of the night. I had to get out of there. It hurts to leave Gabe and Sasha but I am no good for them right now...not like this."_

_"How long have you been clean now?"_

_"Ten years, seven days. I just got my chip last week and after tonight I was ready to throw it all away."_

_"But you called me."_

_"Yeah."_

_"Do you remember when we first met, Santana?"_

I couldn't help my smile.

_"A pair of red bottom heels comes to mind."_

_"Right, I still have those. Do you remember our conversation about your potential and my faith in you even after everything my father told me about you?"_

_"Vaguely."_

_"I wanted you to graduate so badly. I wanted you to be a success story but you followed Quinn, you gave it all up. Released that album."_

_"Oh God, don't even mention that album." _I hid my face behind my hands, petrified at my drop and then flop album.

_"Through it all, you stayed clean. The things that you've been through is enough to send any addict spiraling...it would have definitely taken me down."_

_"What's your point?"_

_"You've spent ten years...maybe more giving your life up for Quinn and the kids. When is it time for you to live? You're 31, Santana. You're still a kid."_

_"Shit, a kid who is about to become a grandmother." _

_"How terrifying is that?"_

_"For me, it's more than terrifying, I'm so fucking disappointed in that kid. I told her how much I'd support her in whatever she decides but is it wrong that I think she should give it up?"_

_"No. It's not wrong, you just want to protect her from herself and you want Quinn to show some concern."  
_

_"It's why I need to get away from her. I might even take Sasha. She's not in school, like the other two. Is that nuts?"_

_"Maybe talk to your wife before you go taking Sasha to the great unknown."_

_"To be honest, I'd probably just go home...spend sometime with my parents."_

_"And stay sober?"_

_"Definitely. I think having Sasha with me will keep me level headed."_

_"Well you know what you have to do then."_

* * *

When I got home, only the light in our bedroom was on. It was the middle of the night but Quinn didn't have a normal sleep schedule anymore.

I was banking on that.

I pushed the door open and found her cuddling with a sleeping Sasha, watching Netflix, while playing on her phone.

_"Waiting for a call?"_ I asked, my voice scratchy to my own ears.

She looked at me with her same old cool expression but didn't move a muscle.

_"Where did you go?"_

_"Out."_

_"With who?"_ I hated her accusatory tone but I wasn't going to fight over it...not now, Sasha was such a light sleeper.

_"Carla. I needed to talk through some things before I snapped at you or the kids."_

_"You're leaving me." _

_"Quinn...it's more than that."_

Her eyebrow arched. _"Divorce?"_

_"Separation. I need some time and I'm taking Sasha with me."_

She sat up slowly, her eyes never leaving my face.

_"Like hell you are."_

_"You didn't even want her. I went through IVF by myself. I picked the donor. I stabbed myself in the ass. I gave birth alone in our bathroom. There was nothing about her life that you were involved in. I'm leaving and I'm taking MY daughter with me. Shit, I'd take Gabe too, since he's more mine than yours but I know how obsessed he is with perfect attendance but that baby, is coming with me."_

_"Don't do this."_ She said, her hand, now rubbing small circles on Sasha's back.

_"You've left me no choice. I don't want to end things. I love you still, Luce. That hasn't changed but I can't live like this anymore. I need you to feel something. Feel this situation. Your 15 year old daughter is pregnant, history is repeating itself. No one can relate to her like you can and you have checked out."_

_"I know."_

_"You know but you haven't done anything about it. I could understand if you were in love with someone else or if I had cheated or gotten high but that's not the case, is it?"_

_"No."_

_"Do you love me?"_

Her eyes were rimmed with tears now, the first real emotion that I've seen from her in two years.

_"I love you."_

_"Are you in love with me?"_

She looked at me hard and hesitated before nodding. _"I think so."_

It was a stab to my heart but I needed to hear it.

_"I need more than that, Luce. You're about to have your hands full with navigating all the shit that happens around here. Gabe and Beth will be a great help to you while we're gone. Don't worry. I'm just going back to Ohio. Maybe there, with some distance...you'll remember why we ended up together. And maybe, just maybe you'll realize how much I've sacrificed for YOUR career and YOUR dreams."_

_"Can I ask one thing?"_

_"Fine."_

_"Wait until tomorrow...our kids already hate me, if you leave without talking to them...without both of us talking to them, I'll spend the whole time that you're gone being punished by them."_

_"That's what you deserve to be honest. You have no idea how many times I have had to deal with broken promises that you've made to them for nearly seven years." _Her tears were moving down her cheeks now and because I don't hate her, not yet...I relented._ "I'll stay just until tomorrow."_

_"Thank you."_

* * *

I spent the entire night sitting up watching Quinn sleep, afraid that somehow she'd steal the kids away in the middle of the night. I was overly paranoid, so much so, that I used the time to pack properly for both me and Sasha. So that by the time the sun was coming up, two suitcases sat by the door and our plane tickets were bought.

Our flight left at five in the evening and there was nothing in my mind that could keep me from getting on it.

Since they were little kids, I have tried to make sure that Beth and Gabe had a routine on weekends. I have found that it is easier for them to transition back to school on Monday if they are still on a schedule on the weekends.

So Saturdays it's usually an early breakfast, usually picked up by me and these days, me and Sasha. After that we clean the house top to bottom and then the kids go their own way until dinner. We always sit down on Saturday nights and break bread together.

And Sunday, we go to church. Even though Quinn hasn't attended in longer than I can remember, I still get the kids up early and we go to St. Peter's for morning mass. After that we brunch and then the kids work on school work or hang out with friends.

Today is Sunday and for the first time in nearly a month, Quinn is home for it. Normally she will just sleep through our church outing and meet us for brunch but I knew today would be different.

I was already up with the sun, so getting dressed for church was a quiet affair, it gave me time to really take stock in what I was about to do. It was somewhat impulsive, somewhat premeditated.

For over a year, I had wanted to leave her...I wanted to teach her a lesson.

And now, on a beautiful Sunday in September, I was about to do just that.

I was about to walk away...but first, the kids.

* * *

Sasha smiled up at me as I strapped her into the stroller, the birds were chirping and the sun was shining. It was a picture perfect morning...in theory.

Just as I checked my watch, prepared to call the kids from their caves, I heard footsteps.

I stood at the door, taking in every moment because fuck, I was going to miss this.

Quinn stepped into the foyer dressed in one of her old sundresses and a hat. The moment took me back to the girl that I had never allowed myself to fall in love with. She took my breath away...still.

_"Good morning, love."_ She said to me, her smile genuine instead of cold as if the night before hadn't happened.

_"Good morning."_

_"The kids are coming."_

_"They better be, we need to go!" _I yelled out, which quickly was followed up by thundering steps down the stairs.

_"Beth won't come out of the bathroom. I don't know what's wrong with her...I think she was crying." _

_"We really don't have time for the theatrics." _I grumbled and Quinn nodded once before moving towards the stairs.

_"Sweets, lets go, please!" _

I rolled my eyes because I could have called her from the bottom of the stairs.

_"Gabe hold this."_ I handed off the diaper bag and stormed past Quinn and up the stairs.

I didn't bother knocking as I pushed the bathroom door open.

When I saw Beth sitting on the toilet crying, my attitude vanished.

_"Beth...what is it?" _

_"You're leaving us with the ice queen...I couldn't...I took whatever I could find." _She said, looking at me glassy eyed and pale. That's when I saw the open medicine cabinet._ "I read that certain drugs could trigger a miscarriage but it's not working...it just hurts so bad!" _She gripped at her stomach and at that moment I remembered that Quinn was a doctor.

_"QUINN!"_

* * *

I sat in the waiting room with Sasha asleep against me, Gabe was playing on my phone but the look on his face was haunted.

And Quinn, well she had been put out of the triage unit because they couldn't help Beth with her hovering...she was pacing looking less like the ice queen that Beth saw her as and more like her actual mother. It was a welcome sight.

_"Dr. Lopez?"_

She froze and walked over to Beth's doctor.

_"Give it to me straight, Ish."_ She said, not even looking back at me.

They put their heads closer as he showed her something on an iPad.

Finally Quinn looked at me and all that coldness was gone. She looked scared.

I stood up and walked over to them...hearing my heart thudding in my ears.

_"What is it?"_

Quinn turned to me with tears, full blown tears and shoved the iPad at me.

_"The list of drugs in her system...they...she says they're yours. Why are you taking methotrexate?"_

_"Is the baby okay?"_ I asked, dodging her question.

_"No, Santana. The baby's gone."_ There was a whimper to her voice where I would have expected an edge.

_"Can I see her?"_ I asked the doctor and he looked to Quinn for confirmation.

_"Give her what she wants, Ish. She's her mother."_

Dr. Ish looked confused but he gestured towards Sasha.

_"You might want to leave her."_ He said and without hesitation I handed Quinn my sleeping baby.

_"Don't think I'm letting this go, Santana."_ She said as I walked away and I just kept walking but not before tossing a response over my shoulder.

_"Wouldn't dream of it, Fabray."_

_"It's Dr. Lopez." _Her candor made me smile...we still had our spark. It felt good to know that even divided, we were still a unit. It was good for her to remember it.

To feel it, especially now.

* * *

_"Before you say anything," _I held up my hand when Beth saw me, her lips ready to explain her stupidity. _"What you did was reckless and irresponsible. Not to mention the fact that just yesterday you were adamant about keeping this baby, shit, you'd even named it after your mother. There's got to be more than me leaving your Mom at play here and for you to take the medicine...THAT medicine was just...there are no fucking words Beth. I thought that we were closer than this."_

_"We are."_

_"Why did you do this?"_

_"He's gay, you know. We both are. I wanted to be normal...we both did. I thought if we got pregnant, it would solidify our heterosexuality. It's stupid...I made a mistake and if my genetics are anything to go by, I would be a terrible mother anyway, just like Judy and Quinn."_

_"So you killed your baby?" _

_"It's my body, my choice."_

_"I don't even know who you are right now, Beth."_

_"You won't have to leave now...right?"_

I hugged my arms around myself and stared hard at her.

_"I'm still leaving, Beth. I need to take care of myself...I need to be able to get...better."_

_"So it's true then?"_

_"What?"_

_"I know that your sick...I know that the pills I took are for treating certain cancers and that you have been really trying to hold it together for us."_

_"I'm fine."_

_"No you're not. You don't think I've noticed your hair getting thinner, the way you color in your eyebrows...or that you spend a lot more time at the doctors? I've kept that secret for months...I've cleaned more, I've taken up cooking. I change diapers, I help Gabe with his homework. I've been doing everything that I could to help you without being obvious. You're not fine, Mami. I got pregnant before I knew and now, you won't have to worry anymore. Just...let me help?"_

_"This is none of your business."_

_"It is! I take care of YOU, Mami. ME. If you leave, how will I know that you're alright? How will I know that you're not on your deathbed? How do I know that you going away isn't your attempt at getting me and Gabe used to being alone with Mama?"_

I heard a familiar gurgle and pulled back the curtain behind me. Quinn stood there stone faced and pale.

_"Luce..."_

_"Don't...I don't have any time for fighting. Tell me what we are dealing with."_

_"No."_

_"Tell me, Santana. For God's sake, do NOT do this to us. We deserve more. The kids...me...we deserve the truth, please? What is it?"_

_"Breast cancer...stage 2." _

* * *

_** A/N: I am not killing anyone. Quinntana is endgame. Couples go through dips...10 years is a long time. I will be back...very very soon! I promise!**_


	67. Chapter 67:Cold

_**Cold (Crossfade)**_

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

I froze after the words left her lips and she rolled her eyes.

_"Great talk, Quinn."_ She muttered before pulling the curtain closed again so that she could talk to Beth privately.

I yanked the curtain back and stopped short of being rude when I saw Santana crumpled over onto our daughter's lap, silently sobbing. Beth rubbed at her back and looked up at me with the same cold glare that I had perfected.

_"Are they discharging me or what?"_ She said with an edge in her voice that shouldn't be there. Had I done this to her?

Normally Santana would have scolded her for speaking to me like that but she didn't move a muscle.

_"I'll go check."_

_"Thanks, close the curtain when you go."_ And with that she was murmuring to Santana as if I was nothing to her, I had patients that were nicer than her and she's my flesh and blood.

How had it gone this far?

Shit, how had anything turned out like this?

* * *

I walked out into the hallway and Ish stood there with the iPad in his hands, trying to look busy.

_"We need to talk, NOW."_ I practically growled at him as I passed him and he immediately jerked his head up to look at me.

_"With her here?"_ He whispered as we made our way into an empty exam room...one with a door that I promptly closed before laying Sasha down on the bed.

_"Yes, maybe then you'll keep your hands to yourself. Is my son still in the waiting room?"_

_"Yeah, Debbie's keeping an eye on him."_

_"Good."_

_"So that's the wife?"_

_"Yeah, that's her."_

_"She's hot."_

_"Yeah, I'm aware of how hot my wife is, Ishmael...don't be brash."_

_"It's just not right that two hot chicks chose each other...well at least she did."_

_"That's enough, I'm not here for games."_

_"Fine, What is it then?"_

_"Two things."_

He stepped closer, taking my hand in his and I snatched it back.

_"Come on, Lucy Lu don't be cold with me."_

_"I need you to put my daughter on a 72 hour hold."_

_"Suicide watch? She clearly wasn't trying to kill herself, sweetheart."_

_"No, just her baby, on purpose. I need to know that she's okay that she won't resort to pills in the future."_

_"Fine, I'll get a psych consult down here. What else?"_

_"This thing we have, it's over."_

He looked dumbfounded but then let out a harsh laugh.

_"No it's not, you tried that after your vow renewal, you lasted a week. This isn't over, Lucy Lu and you know it."_

_"Ish...I fucked up, a lot but I love her...so fucking much. It sucks that her getting cancer was the thing that flipped the switch but I can't devote myself to her and do this thing with you. I choose her, Ish. Every time."_

_"And what we had..."_

_"Means nothing in comparison."_

_"I followed you from LA because you gave me hope that we had something real! I had an offer from the Mayo Clinic and I turned it down for you."_

_"I didn't ask you to do that."_

_"But you didn't tell me not to."_

_"It's done, Ish."_

He surged forward, cupping my chin and kissed me hard.

I gripped at his white coat and whimpered as he pressed down at a bruising pace but I still pulled away.

_"You love me. Tell me you don't and I'll walk away."_

_"I..."_

And then there was a whine from the bed and I jumped away from him.

Fuck, how did I turn into Russell?

I picked up Sasha before she had a full out tantrum and stormed towards the door. I hesitated as I slid it open.

_"I don't love you, Ish. It's done."_ I said, as firmly as I could and then pulled the door open the rest of the way.

_"What's done?" _I looked into a searching pair of brown eyes and she looked at my lips for a moment and then behind me before nodding with her lips pursed. _"Give me my daughter, Quinn. NOW!" _

* * *

Ish pushed out of the room and didn't say another word to me after Santana practically ripped Sasha from my arms.

I wanted to collapse onto the floor but I was technically at work. Frankly, I had already made a fool of myself.

Lucky for me, I've perfected my mask and so I steeled my expression and walked back towards the triage unit.

Beth was sitting up in bed with Gabriel at her side.

_"Hey."_ I said as I got closer and Beth's glare was vicious.

_"Mami's gone. She said she's going to get her bags and she's leaving. She looked heartbroken, what did you do?"_ She growled.

_"Who do you think you're talking to like that?"_ I snapped back...the nurses in earshot were watching in awe as I went toe to toe with my daughter.

_"You. She was going to stay, she promised that she'd stay a little longer, until Thanksgiving maybe and then she goes to find you, the next thing I know she's leaving. You did something, I know it!"_

_"Dr. Lopez."_ Ish came up behind me and I stilled as he stepped to the edge of the bed so he could meet my eyes.

_"Yeah?"_ My voice was strained but there's no way she'd figure out why.

_"Psych agrees, your daughter's free to go. I'll have her discharge papers at reception."_

_"Great. Thanks."_

_"And Quinn, if you need anything let me know."_ He said before turning and walking away.

I turned back to Beth and she was gaping at me.

_"Tell me that I was just seeing things, Mama."_

_"What are you talking about?"_

_"You look at him like you used to look at Mami."_ Gabe squeaked before turning red and looking down at his shoes.

_"See, even Gabe sees it. How can you deny it? Is that it? Did she catch you?"_

_"You're out of line, Beth."_

_"Like hell I am. She's sick, how could you do this to her, especially now? I didn't think you were this heartless."_

_"Enough! I don't have to explain myself to you. You are the child! I am the adult. So get your shit and let's go. NOW!"_

* * *

I was humiliated. How could I return to work tomorrow when the whole trauma unit just witnessed me lose it. I've kept my composure for four years here and all that is gone. I might as well uproot us and go fix things.

What's stopping me now?

Gabriel sat between us as we silently fumed in the cab.

How had a relaxing Sunday turned into chaos like this?

A miscarriage and what was a separation is probably turning into a divorce...plus cancer.

I felt like God was punishing me and frankly, I deserved it.

_"How long is Mami going to be gone?"_ Gabe asked after five minutes of silence.

_"I don't know."_ I said.

_"Probably forever."_ Beth grumbled.

_"It's your fault. Mami was just trying to get us out the door for church and you made yourself sick instead."_ Gabe grumbled.

_"My fault? No kid, it's the ice queen's fault."_

I don't know what came over me but before I knew it, my hand was flying and the back of it came perfectly in contact with her mouth.

_"Ow!"_ She whined and I didn't even bother looking at the damage I had done, instead I looked out the window.

After that silence reigned once again.

I felt like shit, it seemed with every action I was becoming more like my father but this time, I didn't feel so bad about it.

She was mad, that was one thing but the utter disrespect was not something I was going to tolerate.

If she thinks I was an ice queen before, she's got no idea how cold I can get!

_"Hello?"_ She mumbled, _"We are on our way back home...where are you? Still? Yeah, two minutes."_

_"Is she home?"_ I asked but was given no response.

_"I love you too, see you soon."_

_"I guess that's my answer."_ I said again to silence.

* * *

When we pulled up outside the house, Santana stood on the curb waiting.

She leaned in and paid for the cab before pulling my door open, probably because I was on the side of the curb.

I stepped out and she looked right past me. She smiled at Gabriel and then her eyes got wide when she looked at Beth.

_"What happened?"_ She said, looking from Beth to me.

_"She slapped me."_ I glared at Beth and then felt bad when I saw that I had in fact, split her lip.

_"What did you do?"_ She asked Beth as the cab pulled away and immediately that bravado she had was gone.

_"Nothing."_

_"She called Mama the ice queen."_ Gabe offered.

_"Is that right?"_

_"She cheated on you and made you leave."_

_"No. She didn't and if she did that's between me and your mother."_

_"Don't try to cover for her, Mami."_

_"You want another fucked up lip?"_

_"Seriously! Have I not been through enough today?"_

_"Who's fault it that?" _Gabe yelled and I couldn't let it go on.

They were beginning to get loud on the sidewalk and if I was stuck being embarrassed at work, I wasn't going to have the same feeling when I looked at the neighbors.

_"Enough, inside please. So we can talk as a family."_ I said, speaking up instead of abstaining for once.

Santana looked at me in shock but just gave a curt not. _"Let's go."_ She said before turning and heading up to the porch.

* * *

Sasha sat in her high chair with cereal as she stared fixated on Elmo.

I headed straight for the dinning room thinking that we were going to start talking right away but I felt her grip on my arm as she steered me past the table and into our study.

_"We need to talk to the kids."_ I tried to stall but she shut the door and gestured to the couch.

_"Not yet, right now, we need to talk about what I saw today, I need answers, Quinn. Right now."_ Her voice was calm and when it came to Santana, the calmer that she seemed the worse her anger was.

_"Fine. What do you want to know?"_

_"You're sleeping with him?"_

_"I have, yes."_

_"How often, Quinn, because after the last six months without sex, I thought you just returned to being a prude."_

_"I don't know."_

_"Is that because it's too many times to count?"_

_"Santana, please, I ended it. That should be enough."_

_"No! You don't get to tell me what's enough. How long has this been going on?"_

_"Six years."_

I watched the air leave her lungs as she lunged forward and her hand connected with my cheek.

She hadn't slapped me in years...since before we were together and the force of it made my head snap to the side.

_"Since LA. Before we renewed our vows. We talked, I gave you the chance to tell me and you lied!" _

_"I know."_

_"Do you love him?"_

I shook my head immediately. _"I don't."_

She balled up her fists and I lifted my chin, daring her to do her worst, as if her beating me would make us even but I knew she wouldn't give me the satisfaction.

_"You know," _She chuckled to herself as she began to pace. _"Brittany was convinced you were cheating on me. Told me that you have always been a cheater and I knew she was right. Deep down, I knew because I have seen it first hand but I thought it'd be different between us. I thought you loved me enough to be faithful or at least be fucking honest." _

_"I didn't mean for it to go on so long."_

_"So long, Quinn you shouldn't have fucking done it at ALL!" _

_"I know."_

She began to look pale and was beginning to sweat and while I should have been trying to save my marriage, the doctor in me jumped up and caught her before she could stumble.

She shoved at me with a sudden burst of strength and I felt the sharp pain in my back as I collided with the bookshelf.

I tried to ignore the ache as I stood there looking into her pained face.

_"I'm sorry for the terrible person I am. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry that you're the one that's sick. It should be me." _I stood there sobbing as I apologized and she just gripped at the desk behind her and glared at me. _"I want to fix it. I ended things because I love you, Santana, I'm IN love with you. He means nothing to me...please...just...we can't end like this."_

* * *

I was pleading with her and she just glared at me, gathering her words. I could see the concern in her eyes as she looked me over but I knew her pride kept her from checking on me. She was too angry.

She glared so long that I had to give in and sit down as my legs went numb from pain.

_"I didn't go to the airport because I thought we could save this. I thought it was just a one time thing...maybe two but six years, Quinn. That's a relationship. Did you think about us at all? The kids, me?"_

_"I always came home to you!"_

_"No you didn't. Quinn, you haven't been HERE, with us in a long time. In fact, about seven years ago, you started acting funny...is that when you met?"_

_"Yes."_

_"But it's only been six years of sex?"_

_"I brushed him off until Brittany was back in the picture."_

_"Don't put this on me and Brittany. She hurt you but I didn't."_

Now I was enraged and on my feet again._ "NO? You don't think it fucking hurt me to have her in my house, to have her at functions...you don't think it hurt me that she practically attached herself to your asshole?!"_

_"If you wanted me to stop talking to her, you should have just-" _

_"Let me stop you there, Santana, she assaulted me. You stayed with her. She RAPED me and you stayed with her! Finally, after she nearly blew her brain out, you left her, even though you still financially supported her and then when you got addicted to coke, I picked you up off the ground. I SAVED YOU. That should have been enough. I supported you through getting clean and school, I offered to stay in Philly to go to med school and YOU said LA. You said the experience was worth it and then when we get there, you become fucking besties with my RAPIST. And you think an ultimatum would have made us okay? That you would have agreed to it without being bitter? She raped me with a gun to my head, YOUR gun and you became best friends with her again. HOW was I supposed to be okay with that, Santana? HOW?"_

She looked at me with wide eyes and no words because what could she possibly say?

* * *

We sat in silence for a long while after that, both hurt, both defensive.

The silence went on until the door creaked open and Beth stepped in.

Her face was flushed with tears as she looked between us.

And then she looked at me and I could immediately see that it was different than I had ever seen and that's how I knew that she heard us, heard me.

I broke and bit back a sob...this is not how I wanted her to see me. Like some fucking victim. I was not a victim, I was a survivor.

_"I sent Gabe across the street to Jonathan's...um...Sasha is...uh...still watching her show."_ I hated that she'd heard all that but maybe it was necessary.

_"How much did you hear?"_ Santana asked and Beth looked over at me.

_"Everything."_

_"I thought so. How much did Gabe hear?"_

_"Not too much, he had his headphones on and was on the porch...you two got really loud and I sent him away before he could hear about Brittany."_

_"Thank you, kiddo." _

_"Mama...are you okay?" _

I looked at her for a long moment before I nodded. _"I hope so."_

_"Your mom and I both did some hurtful things. I don't condone the cheating...I don't think I can forgive that right away...but I guess I can understand how it started."_

_"It should have ended in LA. I shouldn't have let it go on. It took me away from my family, from being the kind of mother and wife I vowed to be."_

_"Twice." _Beth interjected and I shot Santana a glance and for a moment we remembered our two time thing ages ago.

She gave a small smirk and then repeated Beth._ "Yeah, twice."_

_"So what, are you leaving, is a divorce coming?" _Beth asked and I looked at Santana for that answer because I didn't have a leg to stand on...quite literally.

_"No. For better or worse. I stayed with Brittany because I'm Catholic, divorce is not supposed to be an option. I don't want to be divorced twice before I'm 35. I don't want to be divorced ever again but there's no way I can stay here and know you are going back to him every day. I can't live like that."_

_"And Lima?" _I asked.

_"You can stay and I'll go, I can't promise that things will be okay between us but if you quit and come to Lima...truly leave that fucker behind, I think we can fix this. What do you say?"_

_"Are you giving me the ultimatum that I couldn't give you."_

_"I am." _She said, looking me straight in the eye.

_"I choose you, Santana. Without a doubt, I choose you. Consider it done."_

* * *

After my declaration, Santana's sharp expression eased and she opened her arms for me and when I stepped into them she squeezed me so tight.

_"Get over here."_ She mumbled and I immediately felt Beth's arms wrap around us.

_"I'm sorry I called you the ice queen."_ She said and Santana chuckled.

_"Oh, kid, you weren't the first and you surely won't be the last." _

_"But it was disrespectful and I shouldn't have hit you so hard, I'm sorry about your lip."_ I added.

_"I deserved it."_

_"Okay, I'm getting lightheaded from the sudden sappiness."_ Santana said and we both immediately jumped back.

_"See! This is why I wasn't telling you guys about the cancer, I didn't want you treating me like I'm going to break."_

_"I almost forgot."_ Beth said as she looked at Santana's boobs._ "How bad is stage 2?"_

I stayed in front of Santana, our bodies only a few inches apart. I wanted to inspect her, to see all the things that I had been missing.

_"My survival rate is pretty high and with chemo and radiation they think they can cure it but I've already decided on a double mastectomy."_

_"Wait...like chopping your boobs off...both of them?"_ Beth said, her jaw dropping.

I was sad, I loved her breasts but I couldn't force her to keep them. I'd love her still.

She looked at me for some sort of reaction and instead of checking out like I had been, I spoke up.

_"If that's what you want, then that's what we're doing. Sickness and in health, I'm there."_

She pulled me into another hug and buried her face into my hair.

_"Thank you." _She said, as she rubbed at my lower back and I melted further against her._  
_

_"I'm sorry."_ I whispered.

_"Me too. I'm sorry, I should have seen how much it affected you."_

_"I won't do it again."_

_"Neither will I. She's not worth it."_

_"Neither is he."_

* * *

_**A/N: Woowee. That was a heck of a ride! I've been putting off talking about the cheating for a LONG time but it was always there in the background...I consulted my wife about how I should approach this and she told me in all sappiness that for better or for worse, we'd stick it out...fix things. Make it work and so that's what's going to happen. I love how much love you've given me, it's made all the hurt of the last few months ease a bit. Thank you, chicas! See you soon.**  
_


	68. Chapter 68:Sedated

**Sedated (Hozier)**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV  
**

* * *

I looked into her eyes and noticed the jump in her pupils...like she was craving something but that's crazy. That couldn't be the answer to all this nonsense, could it? I mean sure, she had a little pill addiction in high school and a little relapse before she got Beth back but from then on, my wife didn't even like taking aspirin.

But then again, the recklessness...coldness...and emotional absence of the woman I love could all be because of something I wasn't even thinking I needed to pay attention too.

_"Are you okay?"_ I asked her as I continued to rub at her back and she gave me a small smile, she looked trapped, something wasn't right.

Call me paranoid but now I was questioning just how much of this was because she was back on pills.

I mean, she has way more access to drugs than ever before, it makes sense.

_"Yeah, I just need to sit down, love."_

_"Want to go talk in the living room, it's way more comfortable out there?"_

_"Okay, I need to change first though."_

_"Me too."_

_"How about I take Sasha over to Cassidy's and leave you two to talk?"_ Beth asked, reminding me that she was still there.

I was about to speak but Quinn beat me too it.

She pulled from my arms and wrapped her arms around Beth, which was an unusual sight these days.

_"I love you, Sweets. I'll come get you when we're done."_

_"Are you still leaving, Mami?"_

I looked at my watch and saw that it was just after 4, I'd need to practically fly to the airport to get there on time.

_"Not today, kiddo. Go see your friend and make sure you grab the diaper bag."_

_"Okay. I love you guys."_

_"We love you too."_ Quinn said and then Beth was gone.

_"Let's go change."_ I said and Quinn gave me a tight smile.

_"Yup."_

* * *

Its been months since we've had sex, Quinn could have a full body tattoo and I wouldn't know...our marriage was definitely lacking and I couldn't blame it solely on her.

Not if she was using again...I'd dealt with drugs first hand, there was no way you could be yourself and be hooked.

You become cold, a zombie and even if you manage to be functioning, like she clearly was, your entire personality changes.

I followed her to the stairs and she hesitated.

_"You go up, I need to grab my purse and my phone."_

_"I'll wait."_

And she didn't smile that time as she looked at me...which meant she was hiding something, which meant the harsh remark was coming, in 4, 3, 2...

_"I'm not going to call him. I told you it was done, that he means nothing to me...you don't have to hover for fuck's sake."_ She grumbled.

_"I just want to help you up the stairs, Q, don't be a bitch about it."_

_"I'm fine."_

_"You're not fine, in fact I know a craving when I see one. What are you on, Q?"_

She was a deer in the headlights and went to reach for her purse that was thrown on the couch but I was faster.

I snatched it up and she immediately put her balled up fists on her hips.

_"I can't believe that you're treating me like this!"_

_"Tell me you're sober, Quinn. That you're not jumping inside to get what's in this bag."_

_"You pushed me against a bookshelf! I hurt my back, simple as that. I just...give me my purse."_

_"No."_

She attempted to lunge and groaned as she grabbed her back.

_"Please? Don't do this to me."_

All of her emotions today, her lack of control over her tears in just the last hour explained it. She was coming down hard.

I opened the purse and was greeted by two bottles.

Her eyes widened when I pulled them out and threw her purse back where I found it.

The bottles were nearly empty but for a few pills in each. One was Xanax and the other Oxycontin, they were both prescribed to Ishmael Herrera.

* * *

I didn't expect for her to dissolve into a fit of tears and fall to her knees before me but that's exactly what she did.

_"Just one...please?"_

_"Is this why you keep him around...are you trading sex for drugs, Q?"_

_"You make me sound like an addict." _She growled, looking indignant.

_"Look at you, Q...you are on the floor begging for drugs, begging to be numb again. You're and addict."_

_"Please, Santana, I'll do anything."_

_"Apparently, even screw up your marriage by fucking some dude. Get up."_ I demanded reaching a hand out to her but she just stayed there on her knees crying into her hands. _"I swear on Abuela's and my brother's graves that if you don't get the fuck up, I'm filing for divorce and reporting you to the medical board first thing in the morning, get the fuck up Quinn, NOW."_

I watched as she reached for my legs and then used them to pull herself back up to a standing position.

She looked like shit as her eyes kept flickering to the bottles in my hand.

_"I gotta say, love that knowing you weren't just fucking around for no reason, makes me feel better. I can deal with addiction...I've done some fucked up things for cocaine, so in some twisted fucking way, I get this. I can make sense of this. Your timing is shit but NOW it's fixable."_

_"Does that mean, you'll let me have one...please?"_

_"If it were me begging for coke, would you give it to me?"_

She looked at me in bewilderment, fighting her instinct to say no because she didn't want me to respond in kind but she couldn't lie to me, not now.

_"No."_

_"There's your answer, Q. If I were you, I'd get the phone and call your boss or whoever and take a leave of absence."_

_"Just like that, potentially throw it my career away?" _

_"You don't think a mistake is coming, you're a surgeon for babies. Tell me you haven't operated high on this shit and I'll give you one."_

Her eyes went wide and tears formed.

_"I can't."_

I pulled my phone from my pocket and handed it to her.

_"Make the call."_

* * *

After she spent thirty minutes getting reamed out by her residency director she was suspended pending review.

She didn't tell them she had a drug problem and she was a liability to them, like I would have because she's Quinn and self-preservation is in her DNA.

When she gave the phone back she groaned and curled into the couch.

_"It burns." _She gasped._ "Please, just one?"_

A part of me was tempted to help but I couldn't give in.

I knew that this pain was unbearable because her nerves had forgotten how to deal on their own.

I spent my extra time working at drug abuse clinics, coming down from pills in some cases was worse than coke.

_"Has it been four years or six?"_ I asked her as she sat on the couch rubbing at her arms.

_"Four. All the standing, the running around wore me down." _

_"You've got a problem, Q. I should have seen it. It's my job to know."_

_"I'm never home. How could you know?"_

_"You were getting high when Sasha was born, weren't you?"_

_"Yeah." _She smiled, remembering her high._ "It was the first time I snorted anything, I get why you loved it so much. The high is so much better, so much faster."_

I was sitting there alone with her, as a former addict who until this point barely remembered the feeling of getting so stoned that it makes you smile to remember the rush.

_"I need to be honest with you, Q. My cancer is showing signs of advancing, it's aggressive and I'm afraid that I'll die. I need you to be here." _I said putting a finger to her temple and then to her heart. _"I need you to be sober for me and for the kids because if I die, you are all they have and you don't know them."_

_"I know. I want to stop. I need to." _She muttered as she gritted her teeth._ "Just one...please...it hurts so bad. Please?" _She begged and I felt so divided.

_"It's not going to help you."_

_"Santana you work with addicts...you know how withdrawal can kill you if you stop cold turkey after years...please...it hurts. Please?"_

I wish Carla was here to tell me what to do, or my parents.

Anyone but me.

* * *

I didn't give in even after two hours, when she began to vomit and sweat profusely.

The crying also, was gut-wrenching. It was like every tear she hadn't shed in the last four years was coming to the surface.

And I was doing my best not to cry with her.

She needed real treatment, I knew that but I was leaving soon and leaving her to find her own sobriety was not something I was willing to do.

We have a kids and I have to think of them first.

Which is why, while she was hunched over the toilet emptying her stomach I grabbed one pill and brought it to her.

_"One...if you'll agree to rehab."_

She froze, vomit drool on her chin and nodded.

_"Okay, whatever you want, just...please?"_

I held out the pill and she snatched it so quickly that I barely felt her fingers touch my palm.

She put the pill between her teeth and smashed it.

The bitterness of it didn't even seem to bother her.

I'm sure if I had crushed, it she would have done back flips for me.

* * *

I spent the next hour getting her into the shower and into bed before calling my old rehab center to see if they had a place for her.

And after that, I made a call that was just for me.

_"Hey, hot stuff."_ She said with her usual flirting tone.

_"I need you to talk me off a ledge."_

Immediately her serious, sponsor hat was back on.

_"What happened?"_

_"I feel like I'm spinning out inside."_

_"Do you need a meeting?"_

_"It's Quinn."_

_"Is she okay?"_

_"I don't know. So much happened today, Carla. Can you come over?"_

_"Yeah, just let me wrap things up here and I'll be there in thirty...that good?"_

_"Thank you!"_

_"Anytime, hot stuff." _

* * *

And then I called Beth.

_"Mami, is everything alright?"_

_"Are you alone?" _

I had to give it to Beth straight, she deserves it at this point.

_"I can be, hold on a sec."_ After some shuffling and a closed door, she was back. _"Okay, what's wrong?"_

_"You know how she's been cold and unfeeling for as long as we've been back?"_

_"Yeah, so?"_

_"She's been popping pills, kiddo. I think it's been going on since we got here. That idiot." _

_"Her fuck buddy."_ She said and I groaned.

_"I'm still your Mami, no matter how grown you get, respect."_

_"Sorry."_

_"Well, he's been writing out prescriptions for her."_

_"That asshole...crap...sorry. Respect, I'm sorry."_

_"I'll let that one go because there's no other word, I can think of right now."_

_"So what now?"_

_"What would you say about a move to Lima?"_

_"As in where you grew up?"_

_"Yes, the place you were born."_

_"Will she go to rehab?"_

_"She agreed to it, yes."_

_"That means she'll be herself again, right?"_

_"I hope so. I called ahead they have a bed for her...it's a ninety day program. I just have to get her there."_

_"That's three months...that's Thanksgiving, Christmas...her birthday, Mami. Wow...how will we explain that to Gabe?"_

_"You let me handle it, I just needed to know that you were in my corner, there will be times that I won't be able to move or cook, or do anything."_

_"I got you, Mami. No worries."_

_"One more thing."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"You can come home in an hour or two. If they offered to let you stay for dinner, stay."_

_"Okay, they did and so I'll see you in two hours."_

_"Okay, I love you, Kiddo."_

_"I love you too."_

* * *

I brushed her hair from her face as she slept, happy that in my quick thinking I'd given her one of my sleeping pills instead of what she was really craving.

Her body needed to shut off and so I helped with that.

She looked so damned peaceful and so when her phone rang, I was at ease until I saw the name.

**ISH**

_"Lucy Lu, you quit the program?"_

_"It's her wife, asshole...she's done with you and your fucking scripts."_

_"And if I report her to the board?"_

_"If you do that I will make sure that you go down too, genius."_

_"I love her, she may not love me but I love her."_

_"Good for you but she is MY wife."_

_"Always of course unless she was under me. You don't think I know her marital status, I've been banging her left, right and center, right under your noise, in your bed even for years."_

_"She's an addict, using you for what you could do for her. How pathetic are you that you need to keep a married woman blitzed out of her mind just to be with you."_

_"How pathetic are you to not notice? Look, you know now, which is a relief honestly, she was starting to be reckless. She's your problem now."_

_"Don't call her again."_

_"Noted." _And then he hung up.

_"What a cocky motherfucker" _I grumbled_._

* * *

_"I guess she has type."_

I turned around and there stood Carla with Chinese food and a smile.

_"How much of that did you hear?"_

_"All of it...from what I gather, Quinn's back on pills and is trading sex for them."_

_"She's been sleeping around on me for six years, four of which she was taking Oxy and Xanax...maybe more."_

_"Wow." _

_"She started to come down for the first time in however long, it was bad."_

_"Where is she?"_

_"I gave her a sleeping pill, she's passed out."_

_"Off of one pill, you sure she didn't sneak anything?"_

_"I took the bottles from her purse."_

Carla rolled her eyes and put the bag down on the coffee table.

_"Ten years sober and you forgot the mind of an addict. There is always more than one stash, Santana, come on...there is no way that a pill head is knocked out on one sleeping pill. Get with it, boo."_

_"This is exactly why I needed you here, I didn't even think...shit."_

_"Plus she's a doctor, chick knows her pills."_

_"Fuck."_

* * *

It took all of five minutes to find more pills in more places, including her nightstand.

Once Quinn had gotten in bed, I had gone off to call the rehab, Carla and then Beth, that was plenty of time for her to take something else.

I checked her breathing and she seemed just fine, thankfully.

_"You have got to get her help. If she's been going for four years, she's got some damage going on mentally, emotionally, and I'm willing to bet internally."_

_"I called my rehab, there's a bed waiting for her."_

_"And she agreed to rehab."_

_"She did."_

_"You going to let her fly sober?"_

_"I don't know, what do I do...I mean I want her to be clean but at the same time, I can't have the kids seeing her spazzing on a plane. Shit, I don't want to see that. Gives me flashbacks."_

_"How about you leave Beth and Gabriel with me until you get her settled, let them finish out the week here at least although I am more than willing to keep them until Thanksgiving. You take Sasha, and focus on your treatment until you are ready for them."_

_"This week is a definite but let me talk to them about staying longer, they are old enough to weigh in on that kind of decision."_

_"Okay, the offer stands, I love your kids and they love me. I live a block from their school, so you wouldn't have much to worry about."_

_"Thank you so much! You just made this process so much easier."_

_"Give her a real pill for the plane...whatever she normally takes to be functioning, let her have it until you get to the rehab center. We don't know what damage she has done to herself and I'd rather her withdrawal in treatment than on a plane or in car...or in front of your kids."_

_"You're right."_

_"Just make sure that you're the one in charge of the pills."_

_"I'll do my best."_

_"Try not to let her out of your sight for too long."_

* * *

I had just wanted a normal Sunday, something easy and fun before I left for Lima but things happen the way that they need to.

Had I gone, she would have kept on popping those pills and probably hurt someone...maybe even killed them. I'm surprised she hasn't yet.

But she's been functioning, they are her new normal, so even though it goes against every instinct...I'll let her be high just a little longer.

Just until I can get her some real help.

* * *

_**A/N: This chapter was insanely hard to write. I've dealt with drug addicts up close, I've seen people die because of drugs. Quinn never loved Ish, she loved what he could do for her. I need that to be simple and plain. Drugs change you and make you someone other than who you are. The moral of the story kids is Drugs are bad. Love you to pieces. I wrote this in one go so errors later. I'm off to write a fluffy chapter for 30 Hours...see you soon!** _


	69. Chapter 69:Heart's on Fire

_**A/N: There's a dreaming flashback scene, it's completely italicized. Heads up. This chapter was a labor of love and this song...it brought all the sappy into play. I was asked why my stories were sad...I think they just might be too real for some. I won't apologize for that. I give you chicas my heart. It's all love.**_

* * *

**Heart's on Fire (Passenger)**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

I snatched that sleeping pill from her hand, looking for any relief to the burning and itching that was under my skin. She was looking at me with her eyes big and searching, waiting for me to level out and even though I just wanted to die right then, it was the love in her eyes that made me focus.

She climbed in the shower with me, her touch soothing the burning as she washed me from head to toe.

It was the most intimate touch that I'd had in way too long.

With Ish, it was always rushed, clothed and carnal.

I hated how it made me feel and if I can get clean, maybe her touches will be all that I'll have to worry about again.

As I came down, this time with the gentle hum of whatever pill she gave me, I was starting to see through some of the fog, even if the stabbing pains hadn't subsided.

_"You should rest."_ She whispered to me as she toweled me dry.

I nodded and gave her my sweetest smile because with the way she was looking at me, past the concern, with all the love in the world, how could I not give her what she wanted?

Through everything, I loved her still.

So I let her lead me to the bed and when she gave me one of her oversized shirts, it gave me hope.

I hated that she was worrying about me right now when she was the sick one but I savored the ability to see through the fog.

The steady stream of Oxy and Xanax, as scheduled as I could make them, had kept a wall between us. It had stopped me from feeling all of the anxieties of being overworked and overtired but it had also tamped down on the emotions that I would have liked to show.

But I couldn't stop, not after all this time and risk getting sick and revealing myself as some kind of junkie.

I'd lose everything and everyone.

Screw Ish, get a script, fill it, take all of it, screw Ish, get a script, fill it, take all of it...my status quo. It was all that mattered and I hated how I was feeling it.

The tears came as she pulled the shirt over my head and then she leaned in and kissed my face, I choked back a sob and thanked her.

She waited until I was under the covers and I had my eyes closed before she left the room.

And I waited.

I resisted until her conversation passed the doorway.

Rehab in Ohio.

I panicked as the pain rolled on.

Just for now, I needed something to really help me sleep.

I pulled open my night stand and there was a nearly empty bottle of Oxy, staring up at me.

Four pills are all that remained and so I took two of them, hoping like hell that the sleeping pill she gave me wasn't too strong.

I closed my eyes as I swallowed the pills dry.

_"Dear Father, I haven't been faithful or good. I've been an adulterer and a liar. I want to get better for them, for her. Please don't let me die before I can. I love you, Jesus. Amen."_

* * *

When I curled into the covers, sleep took me so quickly that I thought my heart stopped._  
_

Only my memory was on a loop...reminding me of why I needed to fight this.

_The first night I laid under him, I cried and he rolled his eyes at me. He was equal parts Russell and Puck, with a dash of Finn thrown in. I just wanted him to love me and I didn't know why. _

_Maybe it was a delayed reaction to my father's death even sleeping with him. We'd been messing around for a year, touches, grinding, and drunken kisses after study sessions but it wasn't until my father died that I gave into his advances. _

_Santana and I were so happy, I was about to be a doctor, we were getting away from Brittany but then I came home to them holding hands._

_I came home to Beth seeing them holding hands and I couldn't control my anger. _

_It was seething. _

_So I went to him every single day that I could between then and when we left._

_He was rough, it was about him getting off and I was just his vehicle to get off._

_All of it played on a loop, the way he'd fuck me into oblivion and then the pain would allow me to cry. _

_For hours it seemed._

_"Tell me you love me" He'd say and it would make my stomach hurt with how much I hated myself for what I was doing._

_That was the beginning of the panic attacks...or at least the continuation of them._

_He gave me my first Xanax and my second, and then a whole bottle. _

_Those pills got me through the move, through the vows renewal._

_I was mad at her for staying with me, I was angry that she looked at me with so much love and couldn't see I was drowning right in front of her._

_And I was livid that she was pregnant without even talking to me about it._

_It hurt and so I drowned the pain...I drowned my love as much as I could because the more I loved, the more pain I had and the more drugs I took. _

Over and over, my mind harped on all the ways I had been unfaithful.

I hated who I had become and I hated that she still wanted to fix things because I wasn't fixable.

* * *

The pain was back and sleep left me all at once.

My chest ached as I tried to breathe.

It was like breathing through a straw and I was freaking out over it.

_"Quinn, I'm here, just try to breathe."_

Her voice was hovering over me and then there were hands pulling me into a sitting position.

I was weak as I rested back against her and tried to take deep breaths but they hurt so bad.

_"It hurts."_ I whispered as the stabbing pains in my lungs continued.

_"Don't talk, just breathe. That's it, nice and slow." _

I closed my eyes and tried to focus on each inhale and each exhale.

_"Thank you."_ I said as I came down from the panic attack.

_"What did you take when I left the room?"_ She asked and guilt plagued me, that's new.

I hadn't felt truly guilty in awhile.

_"Two Oxy...what pill did you give me?"_

_"Tylenol with codeine." _

_"I shouldn't be breathing."_ I said as I took a shuddering breath.

_"I'm pretty sure that you shouldn't be functioning but your tolerance is really high."_

I nodded and then rested further against her, my face was pressed against her neck and she just continued to hold me.

_"I missed this."_

Her body stiffened.

_"Me too."_

_"I need help."_

_"Do you really want it?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Carla is going to look after Beth and Gabe when we leave."_

_"Are they okay with that?"_

_"They are. I was honest with them this morning. I know you would have wanted to be there but Beth already knew and Gabe understands. They know you going away will means that you will get better."_

I was crying against her neck, feeling a bit unhinged and thankfully she didn't loosen her grip on me.

_"I'm scared, love." _

_"They will ease you off the pills, it's for ninety days. If I get you there tomorrow, you'll be out in time for Christmas."_

_"Gabriel's eleventh birthday."_

_"Yup."_

_"When do we leave?"_

_"Tonight after we drop the kids off and then tomorrow morning, we will go to the center."_

_"Did you tell anyone else?"_

_"No."_

I brought my shaking hand up to her face and kissed her neck.

_"Thank you."_

* * *

After I showered, she gave me an Oxy...just one and I thanked her instead of telling her that usually I needed two to function.

It had to be enough.

The tremors were evident but I just put on a big sweatshirt and kept my hands balled into the sleeves.

I hadn't been home during a weekday in an eternity, I felt a little lost in the silence of the house.

Santana tried to not be obvious that she was watching me as she helped Sasha eat her breakfast.

I took a moment to admire those big green eyes on a face that was a miniature version of my wife.

She was over a year old and I wasn't sure I ever noticed how much her eyes looked like mine.

_"She has my eyes."_ I said as I sat across from them.

_"I picked a donor with super green eyes and prayed like hell that my recessive genes kicked in. My grandfather had green eyes and my brother too." _

_"That's kind of amazing how it worked out."_

She smiled at Sasha and then looked over at me.

_"I know this is hard but it's going to feel so good to be among the living again."_

_"I hope so."_

_"Are you hungry?"_ She asked and I shook my head.

_"The nausea is nonstop."_

_"In a little while, I'll give you another pill. Just...try to be patient."_

_"Okay."_ I said, resisting the urge to go find another stash. I wanted to be healthy, I wanted to be a mom again and a wife, a lover again.

I needed to just accept the boon she was giving me.

It had to be enough.

_"I love you, Santana. I'm in love with you and I'm sorry. I don't deserve you and I'm so sorry I didn't see it."_ I said, feeling like a ball of mush.

She reached across the table and put her hand over my sweater covered fists.

_"I love you too. You're a fighter, Luce. Don't forget that."_

I didn't feel like one but I nodded and then put my head down on my arms and watched as she went back to feeding Sasha.

This was what I needed to be here for, to be sober for.

It was breaking my heart how much I had missed.

And now three months without any of it,

Three months to focus on all the shit I've been carrying around for years, I was terrified.

But then Sasha giggled and Santana laughed right back.

I couldn't help but smile, the burning in my chest felt like literal ice melting from around my heart.

Right then, that steel will of mine decided to make an appearance.

I'd fight for my life, for them...for everything we should have been and for everything we will be.

* * *

I got two whole pills for the flight and I was soaring again.

All of the buzzing and burning turned all the way down but so did my emotions.

I slept against the window for most of the flight, oblivious to the world and happy to feel that way.

This was a temporary thing, I knew it but that didn't mean I couldn't enjoy it.

When we touched down in Dayton, my in-laws waited for us outside of baggage claim.

I saw them through the glass window as I held Sasha on my hip.

Santana grabbed our bags and stood beside me for a moment.

_"They don't know anything, Q. Not even about the cancer."_

I looked at her in disbelief. Her father was a doctor, one of the best, how had she not told him?

_"No way?"_

_"You've got no room to judge me, it's going to be a long night of talking...you up for it?"_

_"Don't tell them about the cancer tonight."_

She looked confused but I shook my head.

_"One thing at a time. Get me off to rehab, let them support us in that and then when I'm gone, tell them."_

_"You sure that's a good idea?"_

_"It's going to break their hearts, they'll be thinking about how they already lost a kid to cancer. It will be a lot for them. So tonight we fill them in on why I'm here. On what I need to do and then you tell them, over a meal or something. They're older now, Santana. One thing at a time."_

_"You're right. Let's go before they get worried."_

* * *

We hadn't been home since the auditorium dedication four years ago.

Even still, nothing had really changed.

Lima seemed to be in a constant bubble and where I resented it as a kid, right now, I appreciated it.

What I also appreciated was that my mother lived in California and I didn't have to run the chance of seeing her before tomorrow.

I sat in the back seat and wished that I had more pills to get me through until morning but Santana didn't make it known whether or not she had anything else on her.

My hope was that there was something in the house that could help me get through the night.

I felt a grip on my hand and I looked at my wife who was eyeing me again.

_"Bedtime."_ She said and somehow that was enough to calm me down.

I'd sleep tonight, thanks to her.

In one day she had taken all the importance of Ish out of my mind and had become my supplier.

This was hard for her, I could see how much she hated when the drugs took over but I was grateful that she was still doing it.

She knew I needed it until I got to rehab.

And when I come back home, I'd make it known to her that this love I had for her wasn't about the drugs.

It was because she was putting aside how she felt, yet again, to help me through this.

Not only was she being a good wife, she was being my best friend.

* * *

Sasha was in bed for the night when we sat down to a late dinner.

I pushed my food around my plate and avoided all eye contact.

_"So, ladies, do you want to tell us what brings you back to Lima on a Monday in September."_

_"During the school year."_ Maribel threw in.

Santana nudged me and I lifted my head to see that all eyes were on me.

_"I'm here for treatment."_ I said, looking down again.

_"What she means is that-"_ Santana started to say but her father was persistent.

_"No, Tata...let her speak...Quinn?"_

I looked up into those caring eyes and found myself trapped in them.

_"OxyContin and Xanax, for four years."_

_"I see." _

_"Well that's unfortunate that you find yourself here after all this time, mi'ja."_ I looked over at my mother-in-law and saw the tears in her eyes and I looked down at my food again.

_"I um...we might be headed for divorce for all I know because that's not all I did." _

_"Quinn, it's fine, you don't-"_ Santana began and this time her mom shut her down.

_"Let her speak, Santana. This is good for her, to get it out."_

I was crying now, my fork back on the table as I looked into their eyes, prepared to admit that after the vows I had taken, I had betrayed their daughter and by extension, them.

_"I've been having an affair since LA, he followed me to Philly and has been writing my scripts for me. I uh...it started out as jealousy and became this dependent relationship."_

It was the first time I acknowledged that what I had with Ish was a relationship and the intake of air next to me from Santana told me that it hurt her.

_"Okay, mi'ja, now you can talk." _

_"I don't have much to say. I can only focus on the addiction part right now. I can help with that but the two years before the drugs...I don't know how we'll get through it."_

_"But you're willing?"_

_"Ay, Mami, this is not the time to shrink me."_

_"This is a good dialogue to have, Tata. Respect your mother."_ Her father said, cutting off her rudeness.

Santana turned towards me and took my hand.

_"If after three months sober, you still want this marriage, we will do everything, therapy even. If you're willing, then so am I."_

I nodded and threw myself into her arms, weeping openly.

Fuck it. I was exposed...that's what was about to happen on the daily anyway.

She still loved me and I'd prove to her just how much I loved her too.

* * *

I barely slept, even with drugs in my system.

Rehab loomed over me and I sat up for most of the night thinking about how my life was about to be out of my control.

How I hated to feel like that.

And so around three, I shook her awake, instead of just following my instinct to leave into the night all on my alone.

She was startled as she looked at me.

_"What's wrong?"_

_"I need you to drive me somewhere. Please?"_

_"Okay. Sasha's out cold for the night. I'll leave a note. Let me put some shoes on."_

She was disoriented but she wasn't hesitating even a little bit.

And so twenty minutes later we found ourselves at McKinley on the field that was named after former president Sue Sylvester.

There had been some major upgrades, including a bigger fence surrounding the field.

But even in our thirties, me and Santana found our way over that fence like we did it every day.

_"So, what now?"_ She asked as we made our way onto the track.

I turned to her and pulled her jacket until our lips were inches apart.

_"I always wanted to kiss you, out on the open, right on this track."_ I said before I crashed my lips against hers.

She kissed me back fervently and I felt like a teenager again.

When we pulled back to catch our breaths, she had a cheesy grin.

_"Was it everything you dreamed of?"_

_"Definitely."_

* * *

We walked the track for awhile, in silence, holding hands.

Everything had changed, including us.

We'd come a long way since this field was life.

As we rounded the end-zone, I saw a tree and paused...was this it?

_"Is that Finn's tree?"_ I asked, remembering yet another moment that I didn't come back for.

_"It is. It's big, oafish and jolly green like him. Go figure."_

I shot her a look and she scrunched her nose at me.

_"It was an overdose you know, to think of the amount of shit our glee club went through and three drug addicts to boot."_

_"But I'm a surgeon, Rachel's got a Tony, Tina is killing it on Broadway, Sam's a producer, Mercedes is outpacing Beyonce, Artie's a tech billionaire, Puck is fighting overseas, even Brittany has a PhD and you are still extremely hot, the hottest milf in the game."_

She glared at me.

_"And I'm still finding myself."_

_"That's still okay, my love. Maybe after this surgery, you'll figure it out. I've seen kids go into surgery terrified and come out of it so strong and so determined to live. You'll see. I'm just sad I won't be here for it."_

_"You'd be so anxious and freaking me out, this is probably for the best."_

_"Maybe it is...but I still wish I could be there, you know my stitches are impeccable."_

_"Oh no, you would not be doing that. I still want to be sexy to you and that is not sexy."_

I stopped us near the bleachers that housed the beginning of my pill popping back in my skank days.

_"Santana Lopez, You will always be the sexist person on the planet. Nothing can change that."_

_"Six years, Q...it's going to take awhile for me not to feel rejected."_

_"I know and I hate myself for it. I do. You could have anyone but you stay with me."_

_"It's because you're a hot surgeon who financially supports my finding myself...duh." _She joked and I rolled my eyes.

_"Of course, how silly of me. I'm your McDreamy."_

_"Definitely."_

More kisses, more love and the beginning of a reconciliation.

It was just the hope I needed to look forward to once I was stuck in rehab.

* * *

I sat in the front seat of the car as she drove us out to the rehab center.

Sasha had stayed behind with Maribel while Antonio sat in the backseat, reading the paper.

_"So, do you remember back in school when you took up photography?"_

_"Yeah."_ I said, trying to focus on her, while one Xanax did nothing to quell my nerves.

_"I packed your digital camera and a few memory cards. I also gave you a journal and picture of the kids."_

_"Honestly, love, I couldn't have asked for more."_ I said, as I squeezed her thigh.

_"Hey now, Papi's in the back."_ She joked.

_"You wish."_ I teased.

She shot a wink at me and I felt the heat in my chest again.

It was like I was remembering how much I loved her in each moment.

She was worth all of this...three months and an eternity of redemption.

We'd been through hell, I had been through hell from the moment I gave away Beth and started the downward spiral, the silent battle of making it through everything on my own by any means necessary.

I'd suppressed the best I could, just how I had been taught to do and it only made things implode.

My father lived in me and I was going to do what he never had the balls to do, get help, become a true parent, a true spouse.

For her, I'd do it all.

* * *

**_A/N: I can see the end coming...so very soon. :)_**


	70. Chapter 70:Can't Let Go

**Can't Let Go (Adele)**

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

Her eyes have always captivated me, from the first moment that we met, I found myself staring into them and losing myself.

Something about them gave me peace and solace.

Right then, though, as I looked into them in the early morning darkness of that parking lot, no peace found me.

Even though I really wanted it too and so, I didn't look away as I pulled my rings off of my finger and then held out my palm.

_"Put yours there too."_ I said to her and she looked so broken as she looked back at me.

_"Love, please...don't do this." _

_"These rings mean nothing, Quinn. Not after six years. If you come out of this, better and we somehow manage to salvage our relationship...these rings will just remind me of the marriage that you threw away. This ring was on your finger for six years while you let another person touch you, the way that only I should have been. So, I'm asking you to help me end what was already broken."_

I had a lump in my throat as I watched her pull off the simple band she wore and gingerly place it in my palm.

_"I'm sorry." _She said, tears in her eyes and her body shaking._  
_

_"So you've said. Look, you should get in there, I don't want you to lose your bed." _

_"You're not coming inside with me?"_

I shook my head as I gripped the rings in my fist and tucked it in my pocket.

_"This is as far as I go until you're sober for good."_

_"Don't be cold...please."_ She begged and I just stared into those eyes, praying like hell to feel something.

Only, I didn't feel anything.

Not even anger...which felt worse than feeling anything at all.

_"Work the steps, Luce. Come back as the mother that our kids deserve."_

_"And the wife you need...right?"_ She was pleading with those eyes and the tears she was so openly showing me should have stirred something but still...nothing.

_"We'll see." _

_"Okay, I'll just go then...can I just have...one last kiss, please?"_

There was the feeling, the heat of anger filled me because she had the nerve to need me still.

But I let go of the rings into the recesses of my pocket and slid my hand into her hair, pulling her face close.

_"I need you to tell me something first."_ I whispered as I gripped her hair at the root, the anger still swirling as I stared into those eyes.

_"Anything." _

_"Did you bring him into our home? Into our bed?"_

Her response was immediate.

_"Never."_ She looked surprised but not in the 'you caught me way', so I wasn't sure if I could believe her and I almost said as much but she continued. _"He was never good enough, worthy enough to bring into our home or around our kids, let alone our bed. I wouldn't cross that line, Santana. I know you might not believe me and I shouldn't expect it but know, that he has never step foot into any of our homes. I will do everything that I can to give you everything that I never gave you before. The truth is at the top of that list."_

I wanted to believe her and before I could overthink it, I pressed my lips against hers and she responded in kind.

The kiss was slow and different, like she was someone else entirely.

And I wished to God that I hadn't kissed her because the coldness returned.

Instead of looking into those eyes, I turned away from her and didn't bother looking back.

It wouldn't do either of us any good.

* * *

Papi looked at me with sad eyes as I climbed into the car and avoided looking back towards the front of the building.

_"Did she go inside?"_ I asked him and he nodded.

_"You couldn't bring yourself to check in with her?"_

I dropped my head and focused on buckling into the passenger seat of the car, a place that Quinn had just vacated.

_"No. I can't save her anymore, she's got to do this on her own." _

_"She's sick, Tata."_ He said, as he started up the car.

The anger boiled over.

_"No. She is NOT sick. I'm sick!"_ I said looking at the side of his face with all the hurt that should have shown up a few minutes prior.

_"I thought so."_ He said, calmly.

_"Thought what?"_ I asked, confused by what he was talking about.

_"That you're sick. I could see it all over you last night. I just wasn't sure if it was just the reality of Quinn's infidelities and addiction, or if it was something more."_

_"This isn't how I was going to talk to you...about...this."_ I said, looking ahead at the road.

The ride back to Lima was going to take nearly two hours and now I was going to have to deal with talking about something I was trying to ignore.

_"It's too late for that, should I pull over?"_ He asked as we neared the highway.

_"Maybe."_

* * *

We sat in a park, watching kids play while their mother's watched from not too far off.

Papi had his arm around me and didn't say a word, waiting instead for me to break his heart.

_"I have breast cancer. It's aggressive but as of now, it's stage 2."_

He let out a shaky breath and then covered his face with his hands.

My Papi is a mountain of a man, who has rarely cried in front of me but just then, everything changed.

I rubbed at his back and he cried harder, I didn't know what to do.

After a few minutes of him trying to get it together and me just staring in awe as he broke down, he finally looked at me, eyes bloodshot and face a bit swollen.

_"Can I assume that you have a plan for your treatment?"_ He asked, putting on the mask of a doctor but his eyes weren't fooling me.

This hurt him deep but he's a facts man, so I didn't hesitate to answer.

_"After a lot of thought and undergoing months of chemo and radiation, I want a mastectomy. I may choose reconstruction but I'm not sure yet. I was going to sit Quinn down and talk about it, have her help me with this decision as a doctor and my wife but then everything went to shit."_

_"Do the kids know?"_

_"Beth does, she knows everything."_

_"Do you want me and your Mami to come back to Philadelphia with you, help you take care of the kids while you undergo everything?"_

_"No."_ I shook my head and he looked hurt.

_"Oh okay. I understand."_

_"No, Papi, you don't, I'm staying in Lima with you and Mami. I'm going to send for the kids and we are going to start fresh."_

_"So you're done in the city, then?"_

_"I hate who I've become and I hate who she has become. We need a reset and there's no better place than where it all started."_

_"And your treatment?"_

_"I was hoping that you'd be with me through everything. Talk to the doctors, oversee my care and if I'm unable to make decisions, I'd like you to be the one to do that."_

_"I'm more than happy too but Quinn is still your wife."_

_"I know and when the time comes, she'll understand."_

_"This is going to break your mother's heart, after losing your Abuela earlier this year and now this, she's going to take this very hard."_

_"Will you help me talk to her?"_

_"Without question. You're shivering, lets get home."_

_"I love you, Papi."_

_"I love you, Santana."_ He said, pulling me into his tight embrace.

And finally, after a morning of feeling much of nothing, I felt the dam break and I cried so hard against him.

A few kids were looking at us strangely but no one bothered us.

It felt good to fully feel again, this space from Quinn was going to be good for me.

* * *

_**30 Days Later...**_

* * *

_"Do you have everything that you need?"_ I asked Beth as I sat alone in my bedroom, after a full day of chemo. The nausea hadn't hit yet and so when Beth called, I answered while I still had the chance.

_"Yes Mami, I went down your check list thrice. Our school records should already be there and our bags are in the car."_

_"How's Gabe?"_

_"He's okay, this has been so hard on him but I think once he gets to see you in person, he'll get over this little bratty thing he's been doing for the last month. Two fights and a in-school suspension is just not like him."_

_"He'll get it together. Is there anything else that I need to know?"_

Beth got quiet and so did I as the pounding headache that usually preceded the vomiting began.

_"There's one thing."_

_"What?"_

_"Did she call you, too?"_

It took me a moment to understand what she was talking about.

_"Who, your mother?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"No. She called you?"_

_"While I was in class, she left a voicemail. She sounded...different."_

_"What did she say?"_

_"It was short. She said that today was the first day that she was allowed to talk to anyone. That she just wanted to hear my voice. She said that she was allowed to make calls two days a week, in front of her counselor."_

_"Yeah, sounds about right."_

_"I'm surprised that she hasn't called you."_

_"She probably doesn't think I want her too."_

_"Why? You said that you two left things in a good place."_

I felt embarrassed to admit it but she had to know the truth.

_"I took her ring back."_

_"What?! Mami, why?"_

_"You know why, kiddo."_

_"That's...wow. Yeah, she is probably afraid to call you."_

My stomach started rolling.

_"Kiddo, I gotta...I'm...I gotta go. Gonna be sick."_

_"Okay, go handle that, Mami. Call me later."_

_"Yeah."_ I hung up and quickly grabbed the bucket by my bed.

And that's how Papi found me.

* * *

I wanted to be the one to meet my kids at the airport the next morning but I hadn't stopped throwing up and walking was a daunting task.

So Mami and Sasha went, leaving Papi to look over me as I slept.

I hated this.

He wanted me to try to beat this without the mastectomy.

And so I was trying like hell but it just didn't seem to be working.

Not fast enough, anyway.

I was sweating as I laid there staring up at the ceiling, remembering how many times I had laid in that same spot, commiserating over something stupid.

Life is so pointless until you're fighting to stay alive.

Every good thing you get to experience becomes a gift.

Including being strong enough to hold your baby, which I hadn't been able to do in way too long.

And for the first time, I missed my wife.

For the first time in a month, I craved her touch and her voice.

The tears came in one of those moments when Papi had left me alone to rest, only I was sobbing instead.

My cries were weak and strangled as I sobbed for her.

And then, a day after she'd called Beth, my phone rang.

I answered but didn't have the voice to speak.

_"Santana?"_ She said, sounding meek and worried. _"Are you there?"_

I finally found my voice.

_"Yeah?"_

_"Is this okay, me calling?"_

_"Yes."_ I said, louder, the cry in my voice evident.

_"Are you okay?"_

_"Yes."_ I whispered as more tears came. _"How's it there?"_

_"Hard but good. I've been back in my wheelchair for a few weeks now. My body is still adjusting to pain and uh...my back took it the worst."_

I remembered how insecure she'd been in that chair and how hard not walking had been, more tears came then.

_"I'm sorry.I shouldn't have pushed you."_ I whined.

_"That was an accident, Love, why are you crying? Talk to me. Please?"_

_"I just...chemo is hard and I miss you."_ I admitted, not caring how stupid and desperate I sounded.

_"Oh baby, I wish I was there with you. I wish I was the one taking care of you."_

_"Me too."_ I squeaked.

_"But I'm here, praying everyday for you. Longing for you and hoping that in fifty nine more days, I'll be able to hold you again."_

_"The kids will be here today."_

_"Oh good, at least you'll have Beth and she's basically me, so you'll have something to hold you over."_

_"Did you get my letter?"_ I asked and she got quiet.

_"Yes but I've been afraid to open it until today. Did you mean it?"_

_"Every word."_

_"I love you, Santana."_

_"I love you too."_

_"I'm working the steps, I'm writing, I'm taking pictures...I'm finding myself again."_

_"Good."_ I felt a warmth in my chest as her voice calmed the frayed parts of my soul.

_"Someday soon, when you're well enough, I'd like it if you visited me...and if you're willing, you'll bring the kids?"_

_"I'd like that."_

_"I'm reaching my time for today, know that I'm here, love. You are a fighter, it's what I love about you. Don't give in, you keep fighting okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_"Talk to you soon, love."_

_"Bye, Luce."_

_"Bye, babylove."_

* * *

I fell into a restful sleep after the call ended, feeling a happiness in my soul that had left me.

Time away from her and being deathly sick put some things into perspective.

Our lives had been tainted by so many things but we LOVED each other still.

Beth was right, she did sound different...she sounded like that girl that came and pulled me out of that bar.

She sounded like the Quinn I fell in love with.

I couldn't let this be the end of us.

We'd fought so hard to be together and to give up like this, well, I couldn't.

I mean, it would take time to trust her again but the love was still solid.

Marriage was nothing without trust and so maybe we just didn't get remarried.

Maybe we worked on fixing what was broken, instead of breaking it to fix it again.

It felt like the sucker's way out but I didn't care.

* * *

When I jerked awake, awhile later, it was nearly dark out and I found myself surrounded.

Beth's arms were wrapped around my waist and curled against my chest was Gabriel...both of them were sleeping.

Comforting me.

How blessed was I?

Our kids couldn't break up with Quinn, they couldn't ignore her being their mother and so it shouldn't be easy for me to just forget that she is my wife like she had.

For them, I needed to fight.

They needed the example of fighting for your relationship instead of giving up when things got hard.

I loved her. That was all that mattered.

What would change though, if I made it through this thing, would be our dynamic.

It was time for her to save us, to hold us together...in the meantime, I can't just let go.

Not yet.

* * *

_**A/N: I'm having one of those heavy, dark, soul sucking days. They hit me more often after the grandparents...so if this is heavy and dark, please just bear with me. Light is on the other side. :)**  
_


	71. Chapter 71:Run To You

**Run To You (Lea Michele)**

* * *

**QUINN'S POV**

* * *

I didn't crave the drugs for the high anymore, just for the constant pain.

For years, I had neglected my back as if I didn't have a rod holding everything together.

And now, all the falls and nights spent on my feet at work and that last hard hit against the bookshelf were coming back full force.

I was now at the point where I couldn't get out of bed on my own.

They had called in a nurse to help me each day, like I was some sort of invalid and it was making me feel like shit.

But Santana was fighting cancer.

Anytime I got down on myself, I reminded myself that at least I was alive to feel pain while my wife was fighting any pain just to live, all while raising our kids and worrying about me.

With that in mind, I push past the pain and stay in my chair all day, rather than asking to go back to bed and allowing myself to sink into a deep depression.

And when I feel like I could pass out from the strain of it all, I ask for help.

I ask for the relief only drugs can bring and even though the doses of medicine they give me are only a quarter of what I had been on before, they were starting to give me some semblance of relief.

Thankfully.

* * *

I waited anxiously for my next time slot for a phone call for seven days, all the time wanting nothing more than to find out just how Santana and the kids were.

There was this deep foreboding in my chest and I didn't like how angry and on edge it put me.

So when that time finally came, I rolled my ass down the hallway to my counselor, Doug's office and waited for him to open the door.

He stood above me with a small smile but I didn't even bother returning it.

_"You have your first visitors today."_

_"Is it my wife?"_

_"No."_

_"Then send them home, I just want to talk to her."_

_"Quinn they came all this way for you, see your visitors first, then your phone call after."_

_"Fine."_ I grumbled, backing up so he could lead the way to the meeting room.

He walked beside me instead of pushing me because he knew how much I hated that.

I brushed my fingers through my hair and smoothed out my clothes before moving through the door he was holding open.

_"Wait for me."_ He said as he closed the door and so I did.

Once we were inside the second hallway, he crouched down so we were eye to eye.

_"What now?"_

_"Just like the phone calls, I will be in the room and unless you need me, I will just be quietly observing."_

_"Yeah, I wouldn't expect anything less. Can we go in now and get this over with?"_

_"Lead the way." _

I knew I was being bitchy but the pills were wearing off and I just wanted to talk to her.

This extra waiting didn't seem fair.

* * *

I moved into the room with Doug hovering behind me and felt immediate shame, something that I hadn't felt at any point in this process.

Rachel and Beth sat on a couch, both looking surprised to see me in the chair.

Santana had obviously not spoken about our phone call.

We had told Beth about my accident once she got her driver's permit and let it be a life lesson about texting and driving.

But I hadn't shown her pictures of me during that time in my life, she'd only known about the chair but had never seen me in one.

_"Hi."_ I said, not quite sure what else to say.

_"Oh Mama."_ Beth said, coming over to me and putting her hands on my shoulders._ "You look beautiful."_

I reached a hand up to her cheek as she leaned closer.

_"Not as gorgeous as you, I missed you, Sweets."_

_"Can I hug you?"_ She asked and I tried not to feel hurt by her need to ask.

_"Of course."_

She looked confused on how to hug me but I held my arms out and she just draped herself over me, her chin coming to rest on my shoulder.

_"How is she?"_ I asked and she immediately stiffened._ "Don't lie to me, Beth."_ I said, tightening the hug so she couldn't pull away.

_"Not good, she wanted to be here but she's in the hospital."_

_"How long?"_

_"She's been there for two days."_

When she pulled back she lingered, taking a moment to wipe at the tears that had come without my realizing it.

_"I'm sorry. I'm a mess."_ I said, wiping at my face and then looking at Rachel._ "No hug?"_ I asked and she was on her feet at once.

It'd been years since we had last seen each other and while the years had me strung out, marriage and life had been kind to her.

She wrapped me in a tight hug and didn't say a word.

* * *

Doug sat in the corner with his notepad, taking notes as I managed to move myself to the couch next to Beth...with Rachel's help of course.

She was watching me like a hawk, still not speaking and I knew if she didn't say something soon, I'd snap at her too.

_"What brings you here, Rachel?"_

_"I'm home for a bit, thought I'd check in at the school and with the few people who are still here."_

_"Jesse wanted to come home, didn't he?"_ I asked, chuckling.

_"Yeah, Vocal Adrenaline reunion."_

_"Which you skipped."_

_"Absolutely, I love him but I'm still team New Directions."_

_"Oh, Rach, you never change._

_"That's a good thing. So, Mercedes called me and told me Santana was sick and she knew I was home and wanted me to check on her. So I went to visit, got a reluctant smile from your wife and when Beth wanted to get here to see you, I offered to drive her. Santana's parents are preoccupied with the kids and watching over her so it was really no problem. I missed you anyway."_

_"Still rambling, huh?"_

_"Only in front of my high school friends, I revert. Sorry."_

_"No."_ I put a hand on her thigh and smiled._ "I'm grateful that you came and that you brought Beth."_

Rachel smiled and opened her arms for another hug and I leaned into it.

Surprisingly.

* * *

_"So tell me everything, Sweets...the good, the bad, the ugly."_ I said to Beth and watched a million emotions play on her face.

_"Sasha is talking way more these days and in one month has mastered potty training."_ Beth smiled.

_"That's so great, I bet that was your Abuela's doing?"_

_"Yup, she was tired of changing diapers."_

_"I bet. What about Gabriel?"_

_"He um...he's not himself. Before we left the city he got in trouble, some fights and now here he's being a bit of bully. Abuelo tries to set him straight but I don't think anyone can get through to him like you or Mami and she's way too sick to bother about it."_

_"Ugh...the next time you bring him to me. Okay?"_

_"Are you sure?"_ She asked, surprised.

_"Absolutely. I'll talk to him."_

_"Okay."_

_"What about you, have you been dealing with the miscarriage, alright?"_

Rachel gasped and looked over at Beth in shock.

_"Seriously, a two hour ride and you didn't think to mention that tidbit?" _

_"Because I'm over it, seriously. I'm okay. Mami told Abuela and she has made sure to check in with me at least every other day."_

_"And school?"_

_"Way easier than Philly. Mami wanted me at McKinley but I am so not interested in that place. I chose Catholic school, it's what I know and they are pretty much the same anywhere."_

_"I'm surprised, you like singing."_

_"Yeah, but not in front of people. I know I have a good voice but I want to keep it to myself for now."_

_"That's perfectly fine, Sweets."_

_"Not according to Rachel." _She huffed.

I looked at Rachel and she shrugged.

_"Like you said, I don't change. She's got a beautiful voice, I had to try."_

_"I don't blame you." _I said and Rachel smiled.

Beth threw her hands up,_ "Maybe sometime in the future but right now, I am going through way too much to even bother. I just want to keep my grades up. Yale won't care how beautiful my voice is if my grades suck."_

_"That's my girl." _I said taking her hand and holding it in my lap.

She was beaming after that.

I was dedicated to being the mom she deserved and that meant more smiles, more affection.

And sooner rather than later, I had about three years left before she was off on her own, I had a lot to make up for.

* * *

_"So...Mami, then...that's the bad and the ugly."_

I took a deep breath, looked over at Doug and he gave me that head tilt that he usually did when it seemed like I was going to break apart.

_"Do you need to stop?"_ He asked.

_"No. I need to know everything."_

He nodded and gestured for Beth to continue.

_"They found a new lump in her other breast, Abuelo had convinced her to wait on the mastectomy and once they found the lump she decided that she was having the surgery. Only she currently has pneumonia, so they put it on hold."_

_"Why has no one run this stuff by me?"_

Beth shrugged. _"You're here. She's there. It would be really hard to wait on everything until you were available."_

I turned towards Doug.

_"You hear that, she needs me."_

_"And in two months you'll be able to go to her."_

_"Wait...what's today's date?" _I asked looking over at Beth.

_"October 23rd."_

_"Come on Doug, it's her birthday in a few days. Maybe I can go for a week or so and come right back."_

He looked at me for a long moment and then down at his notepad.

_"You signed up for 90 days, knowing you'd miss her birthday and thanksgiving. What kind of example does that set if I let you leave early?"_

_"Not early, take a break. Besides, have a heart, my wife has cancer, Doug, my kid is acting out and the only person that can hold my family together is me. I know it's unorthodox to break but I'm begging here."_

_"Fine, one week but I expect to hear from you every day, and I'll be making random calls. While you're there, you can get your spine checked out that will be your official reason for taking a break in treatment...I will call ahead and inform the doctors that you are to have absolutely NO narcotics or painkillers other than aspirin. If you can agree to that, I'll sign you out for seven days."_

_"Deal."_

_"Will you be taking her home?" _He asked Rachel who looked nerve racked.

_"Um...yes. I don't know how Santana is going to feel about it but I will take her."_

_"Well then we should get you out of here before dinner and everyone starts swarming the halls."_

_"Thank you, Doug, seriously." _I said, finally returning his smile and that seemed to make him calm down a bit after this I HAD to be nicer to him.

* * *

I sat in the front seat of Rachel's car with my fingers clenched,

Santana would be pissed, I had left rehab after 35 days but I needed to see her.

I needed to BE with her.

Whether she liked it or not, I needed to see for myself what was going on and help wherever I could.

_"Should I give the Abuelos the head's up?"_

_"No. Don't say anything, Sweets, not yet."_

_"Okay, Gabe is going to freak. I hope you can fix him, I'm actually starting to miss my sweet little brother."_

_"I'll do my best."_

_"Do you think you'll be in that chair for a lot longer?" _She asked.

_"I hope not. I mean I can walk it just feels like I'm walking on knives when I do."_

_"Ouch."_

_"Exactly."_

_"Did you want me to take you straight to the hospital?" _

_"Yes, Rachel and don't worry, she won't bite your head off, I'll put it all on me." _

_"Yeah, Rachel, if Mami is going to blame anyone it will be me for letting Mama leave that place."_

_"True, see, Rach, you have nothing to worry about."_

_"Let's hope so." _

* * *

We pulled up to the front of the hospital and Rachel rushed to get the wheelchair out of the trunk, leaving me alone with Beth finally._  
_

_"I need a favor, Sweets."_

_"Okay?"_

_"When we get upstairs, I need you to leave me alone with your Mami."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yes and I may ask you to help me into her bed...okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_"And then and only then, can you tell your grandparents...if by chance they aren't there already."_

_"Got it."_

Rachel yanked the door open and looked at me with nervous eyes as she put the wheelchair as close as possible.

_"Would you be okay with me leaving you guys here?"_

I smiled at her, she didn't want to deal with an angry Santana and I didn't blame her.

_"That's fine, can you hold the chair steady?"_

_"Right! Sorry." _

Beth stood by anxiously as I got settled in the chair, my overnight bag was thrown over her shoulder and her phone was clutched in her hands.

_"Do you want me to push you?"_ She asked once Rachel got back in her car and sped off.

_"Actually, yes. That would be great."_

* * *

Beth hummed as we came out on the ICU floor.

_"Just a heads up, she is even more skinny than before and her hair is just about gone, she refuses to not wear a scarf on her head and have her eyebrows penciled in, I've been doing that for her."_

_"I'm sure it's fabulous. Her hair fell out fast though, how harsh is her treatment."_

_"I thought the same thing but she reminded me that she had been going through treatment for a few months before we got here."_

_"Yeah. I should have seen it, instead I was wasting time on stupid things and people."_

_"Don't beat yourself up now, you came home to help her fight and fix Gabe, you don't have time to be a martyr or be sad. Save that for rehab. She needs good vibes only." _

I looked up at my mature girl and as she looked at me sternly with her eyebrow raised, I couldn't help but appreciate the woman that Santana had raised her to become.

_"Right, sorry. _

_"It's fine. Just...good vibes, okay. We're here." _

We stopped outside a glass room with the blinds drawn.

Beth peeked through a gap and smiled.

_"You're in luck, she's alone. I'll get you in there and then stand out here for when Abuelo shows up."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

After sanitizing our hands, Beth pushed me into the room and right up to the bed.

Santana looked impossibly tiny as she slept. The doctor in me hadn't disappeared because I was looking at her vitals and then was looking towards her chart.

_"Hand me that."_ I whispered to Beth and she grabbed the chart at the bottom of the bed.

_"Am I helping you into the bed?"_

_"Only if she wants me up there, now let me see the chart?" _

Beth handed it over and then walked to the other side of the bed and took Santana's hand in hers.

_"Mami?" _She whispered and I repressed the urge to glare because I wasn't ready to deal with Santana yet.

I looked at the chart and saw that her stats were improving, although she still had a ways to go before any kind of surgery.

_"Hmm."_ She grunted, her eyes still closed.

_"Open your eyes."_

_"Why? Just fell asleep."_

Beth stared at me and raised her eyebrow.

I reached over and took Santana's other hand, bringing it to my lips and kissing her soft skin.

Santana's eyes shot open and she looked at me, her eyes taking me in, chair and all.

_"Now?" _Beth asked.

_"Yeah, now's good." _

_"Be nice, Mami."_

_"I'll do what I want." _

Beth didn't bother following up her comment she just came around and pushed me closer to the bed before leaving us alone.

* * *

Santana's eyes were looking me over and her lips were quivering a bit.

She was holding back tears and so was I.

_"Don't be mad. I had to see you, I'm going back in 7 days but right now, I needed to be here." _I said, squeezing her hand for emphasis.

I expected her to be angry but she smiled softly.

_"Thank you." _

_"You're not mad at me?"_

_"No."_

_"Good. I hear Gabriel needs a talking to and I also need to get my back checked out, maybe get a more comfortable chair in the meantime."_

_"Okay."_

_"You want me to come up there?"_ I asked and she nodded.

And so without calling Beth, I pulled myself to my feet.

The pain was so immense that I thought I might pass out but I knew it was temporary.

I climbed up onto the bed and squeezed in next to my wife who was way too small these days.

She curled against my chest and let out a sigh.

_"I'm scared." _She whispered.

_"I know, love, so am I."_

_"No one has been brave enough to admit that except Papi."_

_"I promised you honesty."_

_"Thank you." _

_"I love you and I'm here." _I said and she snuggled deeper.

_"I love you too."_

* * *

Pop showed up a little while later when Santana had drifted back to sleep.

When our eyes met he smiled.

_"You came." _

_"I did."_

_"She needed you, I could see the fight going away...like she is ready to just give in."_

_"I saw it too." _I admitted.

He looked around for her chart and I pointed to my chair.

_"I couldn't help myself." _

He chuckled.

_"Me either." _

_"I have to go back next Sunday, would you mind taking me back?"_

_"Of course not, mi'ja. I'm glad you are going back."_

_"I needed to be here just as much as I needed to be there. I've wasted too much time putting her on the back burner."_

_"I'm glad you realize that."_

_"I don't think I'll forget it either."_

_"Beth tells me that you're in a lot of pain." _He said as he sat in the chair next to my wheelchair.

_"I'm managing okay."_ I said, as I pulled the blanket up over Santana, who was beginning to shiver as she burrowed deeper against my side.

_"You just flinched." _He whispered.

_"It's fine."_

_"No it's not, you ignore the pain, you'll be back on drugs." _Santana grumbled as her hand found my lower back under my sweater._ "You can admit it hurts...honesty remember." _

She kept her eyes closed as she gently rubbed my back, the coolness of her hand soothing the burning ache.

I looked down at her face and then back at Pop.

_"I need a CT and maybe an MRI." _

_"I'll make it happen as soon as possible."_

_"Thank you." _

* * *

Not long after that, Maribel showed up all smiles even if she was glaring a bit._  
_

_"Should you be in that bed?" _She scolded.

_"Yes, she should." _Santana said, eyes still closed as she held onto me, her arm thrown over my waist._ "Don't argue with the sick one." _

_"Don't be a brat." _I said and she actually cracked a smile.

_"I'll do what I want." _

The door cracked open and a nurse popped in.

_"Dr. Lopez." _She said and in unison, my inlaws and myself all responded.

_"Yes?"_

She looked a bit thrown off but then actually looked at me.

_"Quinn Lopez."_

_"Yes."_

_"Dr. Adams called and had tests scheduled. If you'd like we can get you down to CT right now."_

I wanted to turn her down because I had JUST gotten here but I knew that Santana wasn't going to allow that.

_"Go but come right back." _She said, finally opening her eyes to look at me.

There was a yellow tint to them and I looked over to her father because I hadn't seen any issues with her liver.

_"I'll go but you should have a workup done, just to see how everything is going." _

I didn't want to panic her but from the look that her father and I shared, he knew I saw something.

And so he nodded and then came over and held out his arm.

_"Let me help you back down."_

_"Thank you."_ I sighed, having no issue with any help being offered.

It was one thing to let Doug touch me, after Ish, I didn't want any man to touch me but this was Pop...essentially my father, he could do what he wanted, with him I would always be safe and I thanked God for him.

Who was I to argue?

* * *

Four hours of testing later, they wanted to admit me and I was pissed about it because I knew that there was no way they would let me be in the ICU with Santana.

I waged a protest and because my last name carried weight at this hospital that had a whole wing named after Alma courtesy of Antonio, they decided to call the board.

Luckily for me, my father-in-law was on the board.

So after a half hour of fighting, I was wheeled back to her room.

Santana was sitting up eating pudding while a nurse changed her IV, looking more alert and content than earlier.

_"Hey sugarbear."_ She said to me cheerfully.

_"Hey love."_

_"All better?"_

I looked at the nurse and she smiled.

_"She's on morphine for the pain."_

I nodded and then sat parked at the end of her bed while they got my bed set up.

Santana looked to the other side of the room and then at me.

_"You staying?"_

_"Apparently, I need surgery, love."_

_"Oh." _Santana's eyes were comically large and thankfully not as yellow as before.

_"What pain is it she was feeling?"_ I asked the nurse and she took a beat, not sure who I was.

_"I'm her wife, it's fine if you tell me."_

Santana looked at the nurse and nodded.

_"That's my wife, she's hot right and get this, a doctor! A surgeon, so hot, right?"_

_"Oh, you're the other Dr. Lopez, the last nurse was telling me that there are three." _

_"That's me." _

_"Well then, we had to drain her lung, it was swelling to the point of fracturing a rib. She's better now as you can see. It was a strange side effect to one of her medications...it was also affecting her liver. So Dr. Lopez had us switch it and she is making a full recovery just like that."_

_"Wow. That's great news."_

_"I'm amazed actually, I haven't seen her like this since she got here."_

I didn't want to take credit for this turn around...at least out loud.

_"It's because my wife is here."_ Santana said, nonchalantly as she cleaned her cup. _"MMMM, can I have another one, I'm starving." _

_"Of course, I'll go get that, Dr. Lopez it was a pleasure meeting you."_

She winked at me and I just smiled before turning my attention to my wife.

_"Did you see that?"_ I asked.

She nodded.

_"She was flirting because you're hot. I'm not jealous, you don't like blondes anyway." _

_"Sure don't." _

_"I missed you. Can you come back to bed, now?"_

_"In a little bit love, I need to sit here for awhile."_ I admitted, my back was currently numb and I wanted to enjoy that for as long as possible.

* * *

I sat by her bedside while she ate dinner and when it was time for her to rest and she could only lay flat on her back, I held her hand because laying with her wasn't allowed for a few days.

Seeing her like this, so fragile, killed me but I was so happy to be there.

Just before visiting hours were over, Pop showed up with a hand on Gabriel's shoulder.

The first thing I noticed was the fresh black eye he was sporting and then the bruising on his knuckles.

_"A fight."_ I said and he looked at me with hard eyes until I raised an eyebrow.

_"He started it."_

I patted my lap.

_"Come sit."_

That's when he noticed the chair and all that false bravado went away.

Just like Santana, when confronted with reality, straight cinnamon roll.

_"Are you okay?"_ He asked as he hesitantly climbed on my lap.

_"I will be, what about you? Do you like having your beautiful face messed up?"_

He shook his head.

_"No but he had it coming."_

_"How so?"_

_"He called me a dirty nig-"_ He began to say and I shook my head.

_"I get it...why didn't tell an adult." _

_"I did and they didn't believe me. I hate it here, I just want to go home!"_

I looked at Pop and he looked livid.

_"Gabriel, what he said was wrong. It was racist and unfortunately that's how this town is. It's not right and it's not fair that no one listened to you. What I will say is that maybe your teachers are tired of the trouble you have been causing and thought this was just another trouble making thing. It's not acceptable and I'll have a talk with them but in the meantime, you need to be on your best behavior. I know I'm not here and I know your Mami is sick but the last thing we need is you to stop being the amazing kid you've always been."_

_"Okay."_

_"Gabe."_ Santana rasped, her head turned towards him.

_"Yes, Mami?"_

_"I've been there, I've been called so many names in this town I could fill book. They want you to fight them, it's what they expect, you hear me...they think you're an animal and if you act like one you are just proving them right."_

He was crying at that point and nodding.

_"I'm sorry. It's just hard not to fight."_

_"Trust me, I know, Papito but you have to go high when they go low."_

_"It's not fair."_

_"No, Gabe, it's not."_

_"I just want things back to how they used to be."_

_"Me too." _I said, brushing his tears off of his cheeks._ "Soon enough, your Mami will feel much better and I'll be done with my program and then hopefully, we can go home."_

I caught Antonio shooting Santana a look and then a silent conversation seemed to happen but I chose to ignore it just then.

_"But Mami said we were never going back, Beth too."_

I looked at Santana and for the first time, her happiness towards me hardened and I remembered why Philly was now a sore spot.

Because of me.

* * *

I gave my son a generic answer and soon enough visiting hours were over and I was being ushered to my bed.

Santana hadn't said a word, she just stared at the ceiling with a scowl on her face.

It wasn't until the lights were out that she spoke.

The need for morphine long gone.

_"Did you really tell him we'd never go back without talking it over with me first?"_

_"Yes because at that moment I was sure we were getting divorced."_

_"And now?"_

_"Now I'm not so sure."_

_"If not going back to Philly is what you need for us to start fresh, even if it means uprooting our family again, then that's we'll do."_

_"I might die, Quinn and the last thing I want is you going back there and falling in love with him and together you forget about me and he ends up raising our kids."_

I sighed. The idea of such a thing sounding preposterous.

_"You're not going to die. You are going to have that surgery and continue treatment until you're in remission. Then, we will pick a place to live, I can be a doctor anywhere. No one will ever raise your kids for you but me especially not him."_

_"How can you be so sure?"_

_"Because I don't want anyone else."_

She laughed, it wasn't joyful but harsh and mean.

_"Right." _

_"He symbolizes drugs for me, not love. Any longing stares or rushed conversations were about my need to be high. That two years before...really one year because sex didn't just happen between us...it was the worst mistake of my life next to giving up my child and getting on that fucking Ferris Wheel. I will never be worthy of you because of it. I know that. You know that and even the kids know that but I'm never going to stop trying. I'm never walking away...or rolling. You are IT for me, Santana."_

_"So you don't love him?"_

_"No."_

_"So if we went back to Philly...you wouldn't fall back into old habits?"_

_"I don't see that happening either. I thought I'd hate being sober...because you were right, I don't know the kids like I should, I don't know you like I should, not anymore and I thought it was easier to just coast but now, I want everything. I want to be apart of all the stories and I want to know what the right thing to say is. I want us to be the kind of parents they look back on when they are raising their kids and say that they had the greatest example."_

_"That's admirable."_

_"It is but I think it's also achievable, at least with Gabriel and Sasha."_

_"And Beth too, she's growing up way too fast but she still looks at you like a God, Quinn. I'm her Mami, her best friend but you are her idol and you have failed to see that for so long."_

I felt the coolness of tears slide off my face.

_"I want to be better." _

_"I think you're already on your way there, Luce. I think if you stay on the right path we can have the best marriage ever."_

_"Nothing would make me happier...except maybe a working back."_

_"And no cancer."_

_"Yes and no cancer."_

_"I think we have a shot, Q."_

_"You and me both, babylove. Now get some rest...some of us have surgery in the morning." _I said, not too happy that it was me instead of her. My surgery could have waited but hers needed to happen as soon as possible and I may have won my fight to be in her room now but once I am fresh out of back surgery, there was no way.

She was snoring a few minutes later, her breathing lulling me closer to sleep.

My mind was moving a mile a second until I drifted off, dreaming about our plans, our dreams, and everything that the future held.

* * *

_**A/N: My loves, that was not foreshadowing. I promise. Lots of words, a surprisingly amazing chapter song courtesy of Lea Michele...and a bigger glimpse of light. All in all...I think I did well. Review and tell me, what is something we NEED to see before it's all said and done? Love ya lots!** _


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